The dreaded "Going On A Break", need some guidance (female translator requested)
 

Alright so 6 years ago a cute girl moves in next door, we were fourteen the day we met. Flash forward to today, we've been going out for three years (almost to a day) and I find myself in an extremely confusing purgatory. We were the perfect pair of obsessive daters in highschool. When college came, she was getting ready to go to an Ivy in the northeast and I was heading south. Everyone told us it was unhealthy to try to keep our relationship together, you need to live in college, meet people.

We didnt listen, and we suffered. She was also miserable in her school. So transfer time....It comes down to my school and another of comparable quality, she chooses my school. So people are on our case again (naturally). It’s not healthy to transfer schools for a relationship! Well she hated her school, liked mine, can I say that me being there wasnt a factor? No, but I wasnt the only reason she came to my school.

So now were going to the same college and were almost in the present. We spend a ton of time with each other. Not to say she doesnt join a sorority and make her own click. So spring comes this year, and I notice her pull away from me a little bit right before exams. Exam week blows by, and we part ways for half a month while shes on her family vacation. She came back in the beginning of june, and she runs right to her highschool friends. I dont see her for about two weeks, and then I get her to sit down and talk to me (last night):

She wants space and time
She is terrified of us breaking up permanantly
She loves me
She wants to get back together before school
She thinks "lots of people do this"
She thinks our relationship is not healthy, and a break is
She wants "Her time", which she hasn't had for years
She is not attracted to other guys
She thinks not having the option to get with other guys
would make her resentful when shes studying abroad
at the end of the summer
She got extremely uncomfortable when i suggested we
make a no sex with other people rule
She would hate the girl, but not me if I got with someone
else
She'd rather not know about it
She wants independence

Currently I'm a mess. I'm starting to realize that she may be on to something when she suggested that we are fairly dependent right now. What should I expect? How do I handle my jealously? I have trouble letting go of jealously even when I know rationally my feelings are wrong. I love this girl; she loves me, buttttt where do other guys factor into this? How am I going to feel if I get with some slut? Wont that still feel like cheating? What if I have a fling she doesn’t, vice versa? If she’s not attracted to other guys (she said this with particular emphasis), why does she want the option? Is 1 month apart enough for her to regen the independence she wants? Does she need longer?

I could go on for ages, please just lend me some advice if you’ve been in a similar situation, or you think you can decode my situation. I asked her at the end of our conversation where do you see yourself in 5 years? She said with you…then she started bawling. :(

err by the way I'll understand if this post gets moved, really wasnt sure where to put it.

I think in the situation you have presented above, a break could be a good thing for both of you. I know it's not going to be pleasant for either of you, you two are all you've ever known by the sounds of it. Not that I would call it unhealthy, but it definately has it's downside.

I had a situation with my SO a few years ago. I needed to make a break from him and explore other aspects of myself as my own person. This took me about two years. It was an upsetting time but it was great in the fact that we have since come back together in a deeper way... because I am more solid within myself.

I would try not to dwell on the details of the 'break'... just keep in touch occasionally (if possible), and let it take it's course. The hardest thing you can give to someone you love is freedom, but that would be the ultimate gift eh?

She wants a break so she can bang other guys. ;)
IMHO anyone who wants a break should just split up, period.

I would have to say she will need longer than 1 month.. I would even say you may need to just let her have her time until she is ready to come back, but do not live your life expecting them to come back...

things will fall as they will, each relationship is different, but I can definatley say that I have been in a relationship very similar to yours (well at the end point... never did do the date someone from high school->college).

people are really different in high school than they are in college. It sounds to me like she's still liking the idea of being with you because she's been with you for so long and it's comforting, but she's grown up and realized that she wants to do different stuff.

Go on a break, leave it alone. If she's for you, she's for you, and if not, you'll find someone else even better. What all have you been missing out in college because you've been dating her? Probably a lot.

i think it all depends on if you want to be patient. she's going to take her space, no matter what it seems... it just depends on how much you agree to go along with this.

frankly, her rules about fidelity don't make a lot of sense...i don't suggest excessive discussion of this, lest it seem like this is the sticking point for you. she has all but declared that part of her time apart from you will include being "with" someone else. What with means may be up for debate....but it seems clear that she wants some kind of connection with someone on her trip.

two suggestions for this. the less you think about sex as a commodity, or limited good the better. her having sex with someone else (holding hands, whatever) does not mean that there is less sex (holding hands, whatever) for you. her body doesn't get dilluted in value. her having intimacy with someone else may mean less intimacy with you. make sense?

she needs to be thinking this way too. if she would hate the girl you got with during this time of being in "open" relationship, then she doesn't have it figured out.

There was an enormous shift, both mentally and emotionall for me when I started college. The fact that my boyfriend at the time was attending the school influenced my decision, but luckily I had enough of my own interests to keep me afloat when we ended it about 2 months into the first school semester for me.

From what you are saying of your girlfriend, I think she may be realizing just HOW MUCH you are both changing right now. Looking back, I'm glad I was single because I then had the freedom to explore things myself, and learn about ME without having thoughts and issues fed to me from the SO.

It sounds like this may be the root of her issue - the other things seem to be ways to allow you to stay together but still give her the room she needs. She will be the one who will need to make the ultimate choice about what is best for her, but if you can support her, whatever she decides, then you will help her do the right thing. It is a sign of love to do as much as you can to help both people grow, and holding and stifling someone will only cause resentment and a rift to develop between you two.

Not the first time I've quoted this on here, but it's appropriate, so:

"If you love someone, let em go,
If they come back to you they're yours
If they don't, they never were...."

I definitely agree with what’s stated in the above comment: “If you love someone, let ‘em go, If they come back to you they're yours, If they don't, they never were...."

I’ve definitely been through something similar. I was with someone through our senior year in high school, I moved away for a year to live with my dad, and then applied to a college near him so we could both be together. After being away from one another for a year, it definitely caused our relationship to change. He eventually asked for a break, and I agreed, because that was what he wanted. I was really scared that it was going to be the end of him and I (it eventually was, but I didn‘t want it to be at the time). I think we went through every single break possible to try and make it work… “friends with benefits,” “just friends, but not single,” “two weeks being single and not talking,” etc, etc…. Going on a break is definitely stepping on dangerous ground. She says she would only hate the girl if you were with someone else during this break, but I can tell you right now if either one of you are with anyone else during the break, and try to have a relationship together, it is a good possibility the relationship won’t ever be the same with the same foundation of trust that you both had before. During the “two weeks being single and not talking” break that I went through, I had sort-of a “fling” with someone else, and when my boyfriend and I tried to work things out, he hadn’t changed anything, and could not feel anything except a grudge against the guy I had a fling with…. and me. He literally hated me after that, and there was no way to get our relationship back to where it was or make it even better.

The fact is, breaks are scary. But if this is what she wants, then giving that to her is the only thing you can really do right now. In my experience, I also asked my boyfriend at the time what he though was going to happen after he “grew up” or stopped treating me the way he was. He told me he still wanted to be with me. The words forever even came out of his mouth, and I believed him. A lot can change in a year, and especially five years. In my opinion, it might be best to just see what happens, try and enjoy your college experience, and let her figure out what she wants. You may even be the one to change your opinion about the relationship.

I'd have to go with the "let her go" thing.

It'd be insane hubris for any of us to think that there is only one perfect match, and that if there is, you find her by moving in next door.

If she goes away and meets other guys, so what? Maybe she'll realise that you were great and want to come home.

Maybe she'll learn the ping-pong ball trick.

maybe you'll meet a supermodel and fall totally in love.

we cannot know the future, we can only strive to shape it with dignity and compassion.

My girlfriend also just asked for a break. We've been together for a year and 4 months, and I just got back from China.

She says I am never happy, and I will agree that alot of times I'm not happy, because she'd do things that she knew pissed me off (despite the fact that I told her exactly what she did to make me angry, and she'd continue to do it soon after), and because I felt I was putting 90% of the energy into the relationship. It was very unequal, we interacted 97% of the time at my apartment, never at her dorm room, I was never invited over, she never invited me to come home with her and I invited her home every time I went.

At any rate, she wants to take a break until school starts again, and she is also going to Europe for a month. We have both promised not to kiss or interact sexually with anyone else though. I'm confused because if we're not doing anything with anyone else, and shes not attempting to start a relationship with anyone else, and we're not interacting together, how is that going to help her? She has space, shes currently at home for the summer about 4 hours away.

To me it just seems like she wants to take the easy way out, and feel like I'm still an option once she returns, but without feeling like she needed to keep the relationship alive. She also basically walked away from all of the problems we had instead of trying to fix them, which turns me off of the idea of a future with her.

Its been my belief for the longest time that breaks only end in break ups, and their sole purpose is to have the ability to bang someone else without cheating. Have any of you had a break and then gone on to continue the relationship for 5 or more years?

The one shining light that has come from this is that she finally agreed to go off of the pill, which I believe has changed her alot.

Can anyone explain their motivation for returning to a partner who wanted a break? Doesn't it feel slightly pathetic, that you're willing to get back with someone who didn't love you enough to fix any problems they had in an adult manner, and instead chose to hurt you with reckless disregard?

Edit:
Does anyone who gets back with the partner whom initiated the break feel like they owe you somehow, or that they should somehow be more into the relationship than you? It just seems to me that if I got back together with my girlfriend, she'd have to be more into me than I was her, at least initially. She couldn't be half ass about it, ya know?

I would allow the break, and use the time to grow yourself as well. If indeed , as time passes you both find each other again, excellent. But understand going in that this may not come to pass and expect the pain of loss. In this way should the relationship become stronger, as is quite possible, you will be pleasantly suprised. Be honest in the communications between you during this time, simply because these back and forth exchanges will be what defines for you both what the relationship evolves into.

From what you wrote above.....I dont see you have much choice in this matter, so fighting it would be counter-productive, and likely lead to a complete failure of the relationship.

Allow the break, because if you dont' you'll ruin the relationship for sure. While on break however do not sit on your laurels. Do not just assume that shes doing nothing so you should be doing nothing. She is using this time to find her self more and to explore other options no matter what she tells you. You should do the same. Do not sit and pine for her, go out have a good time and meet some women. I am not saying go out and start a string of one night stands, or even look for another girlfriend but put yourself on the market. Go out and flirt, get back in the 'game.' Enjoy the hell out of yourself because she will be doing the same.

Shes looking for something 'better' or 'different'. Treat it as a break up, actively try to find a new girl friend. Maybe she will realize she wants to be with you, maybe she won't, but don't 'wait' for her. It will most likely break your heart and if in the end you get together again you won't feel wronged because she was out maybe banging away while you were being faithful and waiting.

The fact she doesn't want to rule out sex with other people seals it.

I personally think this taking a break thing is crap and an excuse for 99% of the women who seem to need to take this break. What they are really saying is they want to explore their options, and see if you are worth it, and instead of breaking up which would be the honest thing to do they string you along just incase it turns out you ARE the best option. If I sound bitter I'm not, this never happened to me but I saw it happen to MANY people.

Hell if you treat it like its over, thats the BEST way to get her to come back. A little competition, and self confidence does a lot to impress.

I wouldn't expect her to come back. This is not meant to be negative, but if you wait for her to come back to you. You could be waiting a very long time. She has to go to grow and people outgrow each other.

I wouldn't take it personaly.

Ustwo, I think this is quite a harsh way to put it, but I can see where you are coming from.

I just want to add to my initial post, because Ustwo did bring up a good point. I didn't ask for a break. I straight out told my SO that I didn't love him anymore... it was over for me.

The reason we are back together is because we did have occasional contact throughout our break. We always remained friends, even though it hurt for us both dreadfully at times.

Granted, there are those who deal with things as Ustwo mentioned above, but I think tecoyah said it best...
I think this is what makes the difference if there is ever a chance to rekindle the relationship later, and if that is what you both want.

I'm of two minds on this one...

On the one hand, if my girlfriend wanted to take a break, is okay with me seeing other women, says she won't care if I have sex with them and offers to absolve me of the blame, well....woo. hoo, sir. woo. hoo.

Maybe she's just looking for a bit of space to make sure she's making the right decision. I mean, I like Cheerios just fine, but if I had eaten Cheerios all my life, how could I have known the greatness that is Frosted Shredded Mini-Wheat? If you can find a way to be okay with it, there's a good chance she'll come back with all of it out of her system (you should do the same, I imagine...) and life will move on. I imagine, considerably smoother without all the "what if's" clogging the course.

On the other hand, I agree with Ustwo. She wants to see if there's anything better out there while leaving a foot in your door. She wants to be sure there are no attachments so when she meets the dreamy, unusually well grounded prince who's just looking for a regular girl who loves him for him while she's studying abroad...well, it'll be easier to push you out of the way to make room for the dreamy rich guy with the down to earth personality and uncommonly good looks if she's already got you half way out the door.

I guess it all boils down on where you can stand safely and still respect yourself. Personally, I'd have to know which one it was. The break-up is going to happen, she's already decided and there's nothing you can say to change that. If it was just about sex with new people, I don't think I would have a problem with that. I hate to keep using food analogies, but there all I have right now. Sometimes you get the urge for flavors of ice cream that the local shop just don't have available. You still dig the store and the owner is a fantastic gal, but doesn't stock what you want to buy. If I was being held in the closet as a safety net, I'd have to tell her hit the road. She's not looking to sample new flavors, she wants to knock the whole damn store down and replace it with something better if it can be found. I respect myself a bit too much to put myself in that position.

So, I guess the question is...how much of your self respect are you willing to trade away?

Well, what are your real options? Are you going to marry her? Force her to be with you? Let her go. Enjoy yourself. Get to know some other girls, but don't get into any deep relationship again right away. Travel. If she comes back, she's really into you. If she doesn't, it would have not worked anyway. But watever you do, don't even think about chasing her, calling her or emailing. Let her decide to come to you by herself.

Ever since this began my rational mind has been at war with my instincts. Do I believe my girlfriend when I look into her eyes and ask her if she’s attracted to other guys? Of course, so when she told me that she isn’t attracted to other men, I began to rationalize. Maybe she just wants to be free in everyway for a little while, but would never really betray me. Yeah…after reading your advice it seems like an overwhelming consensus is in; a consensus consistent with my instinctive reaction. Whether she is attracted to other guys right now or not, she wants to be! She’s reaching for the sample spoon (/nod guthmund). And of course, if we are on a break it isn’t true betrayal (or something).

So I guess I better hoist the Jolly Roger and hope I can find some peace in the sea of bachelordom. I have some serious issues to work out before I can really even begin. For instance, I cant remember the last time I had a sex dream with another girl, where I haven’t either backed out at the last moment, or been woken up by my surging guilt. Monogamy has penetrated the deepest recesses of my mind. Its gonna take time (or -OH) before I can bring myself to be with another girl. The amazing thing is over the last 3 years of my life ive created a lot of sexual tension with other women. Do I cash in? I dunno, once again that would feel like cheating to me (it shouldn’t have been there in the first place). I’m woefully unprepared.

Am I a safety net? Do I respect myself? Off hand Id love to say no, and yes. But honestly I don’t know. I’ll tell you in a few months. My identity is so tied up in this whole thing. Three years ago I was a great highschool athlete with a beautiful loving girlfriend. Now I’m a pre med with 2x surgerized limb. Maybe I should go goth?

I’ll check in later with an update. I treasure all of your advice, brutal or otherwise.

edit: missing words here and there

When my girlfriend (now wife :) ) and I first went to college we had a similar thing. Mainly, all I knew was her and I was unsure if I was missing something. We did talk about a break. Quite a bit. but when it came down to it, neither of us REALLY wanted it. Make sure you talk about it a lot before the decision is made. If she is serious though, you have to try the break. You don't really have a choice then. Either you try it and hopefully she can work things out, or she will resent you for holding her down and eventually you will break up for good...or at least be dreadfully unhappy.

Best of luck in all this :thumbsup:

don't worry so much about it. My problem was, when I was released into the wild I just cared about getting with women. That didn't work...at all. The key is to just try and have a good time. Don't over analyize your interactions with girls (as impossible as that is even for myself), just have a good time and everything else will fall into place.

What Ustwo said. She asking herself the question, "Is this all there is?" Don't take it personally, but don't wait around, either.

Yeah, do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself. Then you'll be able to make the right decision, if she comes back.

At the risk of repeating some of the previous posts, MOST of which I read to completion...

A relationship is not a one sided thing. If she requests a "break", in reality you have no choice but to give it to her. (or to eventually wind up a psycho with a restraining order). By the same token, however, you always have the right to state your position on the matter. Be prepared for what consequences that may bring. I don't know what agreements you have, or do not have, but I am always one to clearly define terms. What, precisely, does a break mean? Is there a pre-determined time? Are you agreeable to the terms? If not, then you are not obligated to be available at the end of them. You do not, however, get to insist that she do something she is unwilling or unable to do. I hope this doesn't seem overly harsh, but warm fuzzies aren't my thing, reality is. There are many possible outcomes and like a chess game you can only move your own peices. She will do as she will. Hopefully the length of time you have been together has earned you the opportunity to point out to her that you will abide by her wishes, but that it hurts and confuses you, and that she, as well, should be prepared for whatever consequences arise as a result.

At 46 years old, I'm not sure I can say what I'd do at Reiii's age, but I can say what I'd do now:

Nothing.

You shouldn't say "Stay with me" and look needy.
You shouldn't say "I don't care" because you do.
You shouldn't start dating others just to be doing it, or to get revenge. It's not fair to those that are going out with you.
As hard as it is to accept, whether you're just dating or married, the other person has to want to be in the relationship. You don't WANT to agree to a "break"--then don't agree to it; a coerced agreement is not an agreement at all. But what else CAN you do?

Nothing.

'sample spoon'

Too good not to use. :D

i've been there, and know what you're going through. The conclusion I've come to is that everything happens for a reason. Whether you want it to happen or not, the decision to take a break is ultimately the decision of the person who wants the break in the first place. If that's what they want, I feel you have the right to do whatever the hell you want, as does your partner. Definitely keep the communication flowing, if you want to, definitely keep the door open, and most definitely keep your options open. Grow as a person, enjoy some time being single. Coming out of a relationship really sucks, but being single isn't all bad. You have the opportunity to learn who you are as a person and what your needs in a relationship are.

I'm sure you love her and all, and as harsh as this may sound, but if she is the one who wants to take a break, but is going to get way jealous if you start dating someone else, there's something kind of messed up with that picture. If she makes the choice, she can deal with the consequences. It's a free ticket (within your moral ranges) to do whatever you want to do, with whoever you want to do it with. If she's got a problem with it, that's her problem.

She wants to bang other guys, she has already found one, sorry.

I just do not know of any 'going on a break' that ever ended well.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. That is, she wants to screw this new guy, but she doesn't want to throw you out... when the new guy is done with her, she will come back looking for you.

I don't think it is good for you to just sit there and wait for her to be done playing around and take her back. If you want any chance of it working out after the 'break', you need to get another girl.

yeah... she is definitely trying to explore other options. in fact, i'd be very surprised if she didn't already have someone in mind.

don't play her game, but don't create one of your own.

your best bet is to be very honest and matter of fact about it. tell her that you still love her but you will, for all intents and purposes, be single from now on. the key part of this is that YOU MUST BE SINGLE within yourself. truly single people do not spend their days pining for an ex, calling to see if they pick up on saturday nights, or surprise them with gifts.

it is in YOUR best interest to move away as readily as she has. more times than not girls (guys too i guess) are hoping that something better/more exciting will come along. that's not to say that whatever guy she dates will be "better" than you, but you'll have a tough time proving that to her if you spend your time whining and arguing while she is getting ready for date.

consider her lost. mourn for a couple days, then get over it.

sidenote: just as she is probably trying to use you as her "comfort" guy while she does what she likes... be sure not to use some other girl to get back at her. you know what it is to have someone use you... don't perpetuate it.

As a "female translator" I'd say she wants to have her college fling. She wants to get roaring drunk and blow someone in the public rest room and wake up in a strange house in a puddle of her own vomit and gain 15 pounds, without any reprisals from you. She also wants you to continue to be a straight-laced and loyal boyfriend but tries to pretend she is not a hypocritical double-standard by claiming she will "hate the girl but not you."

Depending on your opinion of the "college fling" you may or may not support this and call it healthy. Its certainly true that many people do this. However, I personally think it's a load of bull and did nothing of the sort, and I don't know anyone female who doesn't regret sleeping around. (Outside of this board, of course.)

Ive used this one more than once. She has met someone else and not sure what to do. She has feelings for both of you and she feels trapped. Now she wants to live her life and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Sorry to you its just a trick women use.

She is leading you on. The break thing is her way of keeping a safety net in place (namely you) if her gamble with the rest of the world does not pay off.

Irateplatypus said it best

Don't play her game man. She wants out but she wants a way back in. Telling you that she would hate the other guy but not you is total bullshit (put the shoe on the other foot and tell me you could feel anything but hateful jealousy toward her and yourself for agreeing to this). At this point she is already gone, that much is decided, the only part you need to figure out is if you are gone too.

Going back to the "if you love it set it free" thing, she has to set you free too, but calling this what it is, a breakup.

Yep, I have to say that in my experience, 90% of the time a girl breaks up with a guy, it's because she's found someone else she's interested in. I've also found that usually the guy breaks it off because he's scared of looming committment, but that's another story.

I agree, essentially, with what AVoiceOfReason said. She wants her break, and you have no choice. You're not really into the break, and you'll need time to figure things out. Don't do stupid things based on purely emotional reactions...I would suggest a little chill session, a little contemplation, then make your move. Which should be along the lines of hanging out for a while like most single people do, and maybe getting to know some other girls.

in my past experiences, a "break" is equivalent to "breaking up". she'll ignore you, go out with the girls, see other guys (or girls? maybe thats what she means by "not attracted to other guys"), et al.

you should do the same. try and take things as softly as you can. go on with your life. don't be clingy or whiney or vindictive. take this as you two breaking up and do your damned best to take it well. if you eventually find a nice girl that you click with, maybe strike something up, but don't go actively searching. this is one of few opportunities for personal growth. don't squander on it being a jealous ex (or whatever you want to call yourself while you two are on a "break").

if you both want to get back together if and when she wants to, have at it. but until that moment arrives, you can not know when it will happen. will it happen in a month? maybe 6 months? maybe several years from now? maybe never. there's no point in clinging onto false hope, anticipating something that may never happen. and that way, it'll be a potentially pleasant suprise whenever it happens.

I hate to be the voice of pessimism, but you're done for mate.

She wants to dump you but she cares too much for you to do it, she's trying to find a way to make it easier.

Man you guys already said everything I would have said so I guess im just gonna have to agree and say that to me a break is the same as a break-up. HEll just today my gf was like we need to go on a break, i dont feel happy because all we do is argue. So i ask her how long shes felt this way, seeing how our argument has lasted about 2 days about pretty much the same topic. And she says shes felt this way about a day, so im just like uhh why dont we talk about it and now its fine. But I told her if she wanted the break, it was going to be a break-up because as everyone has said, breaks just don't seem to work out.

Update:

I called to wish her a safe flight. She invited me over, because she needed to borrow something. I clarified our situation. She wants to make the assumption that we will get back together when she returns. We made plans to commute back to school together.

Shes been going out with people since shes been in 9th grade, with only months inbetween her relationships (some even overlapped a bit, heh). She needs some time to stretch her legs, and enjoy her independence (more euphemistic than Acetylene's description). I doubt shes found someone else, being that it would have been a drastically short fling before she flies to a new continent, only to return right before we go back to school.

Call me a bitch, but I'm happy with the situation. I can play single for a while, and maybe even enjoy myself while I'm at it. I plan on being careful because we arent on equal ground. Her actions will stay in europe while mine could potentially blow up in our faces. But yeah, I figure many long relationships end in a "break" but a break does not necessarily mean judgement day. I'll update after a few weeks, thanks again for your continued advice, predictions.

Update on my earlier post-#12

My girlfriend dumped me, she said she didn't exactly know why she wanted to end it, she said that she enjoyed being alone, which I can totally believe. She views everything that she has to do as an obligation, and doesn't gain any sense of joy from doing it, and apparently I became her biggest and least "rewarding" obligation because we faught alot about me being treated like I was an obligation (my opinion).

We spent less and less time together, and when she'd wake up Saturday mornings, or Sunday Mornings, instead of hanging out with me, she'd go home and do homework. She never acted happy to see me, never did anything special for me, never went out of her way to make me happy. Shit, when my 21 birthday came around, she wanted to move out of the dorms and go home to start working for her dad instead of coming to my party, and wanted to celebrate the next weekend (SHE WANTED TO GO HOME AND WORK INSTEAD OF GOING TO MY BIRTHDAY! SHE COMPLAINED THAT SHE WOULD *WASTE* 3 DAYS IF SHE CAME TO SEE ME[Incidentally, she only worked 1 day for the next 2 weeks]).

I miss her because she was alot of firsts in my life(real college girlfriend, sex, first girl I brought home to meet my family, etc) and we had alot of similar interests, but I don't miss her insensitivity, self centeredness, and complete lack of sexuality.

Innovis: It's very healthy that you don't confuse these firsts with an irreplaceability, and that you can realize your ex's faults... Sometimes people get what I (crudely!) refer to as "first dick/first pussy syndrome," where they place more import on relationships that include firsts simply because they include firsts, totally whitewashing the bad parts of the relationship/partner.

reiii: I wish you the best, but it might be best if you braced yourself for the end of the relationship. Enjoy your summer, make the most our of this time alone.

I believe Tecoyah hit the nail on the head when it comes to communication, while Utswo cornered the girl's inner motiviations. Two of my friends went through the exact same situation during college: girlfriend going to Europe and requesting a "break". Who wouldn't want a chance at great, guilt-free European sex? This doesn't mean it'll happen, but the opportunity is there.

To be honest, I'd appreciate her honesty if she wasn't so roundabout towards the whole thing. Perhaps she wants to initiate a break-up, but only calls it a "break" so that you could complete the puzzle and add "up" at some point. Being the dumped instead of the dumper can sometimes feel less painful to some people, especially when there's no concrete, immediate problems in the relationship, but a desire to end it exists.

When she's gone and you mingle with the locals, be honest about it. When you talk to a girl and she asks if you have a girlfriend, tell her the truth. "No, I don't." I'm fairly certain she'll say the same thing when Paco Rabanne or Louis LeChasseur ask her if she has a boyfriend. Either that, or she'll be cryptic about it, just like she's being with you right now, in a misguided attempt to not make herself appear like a bad person or a liar. People need to be more honest. "I like you very much, but there's a chance I might be offered sex by Europeans in the very near future and I don't think I'll refuse it, because sex is, after all, a wholesome, perfectly natural thing that happens between two people. However, once my adventure is over, I might find myself missing what we had. So, it would be great if you could be available (re: single) upon my return. If you could abstain from sex with other girls, that would be great, too, since it would maintain my fantasy of having a guy on stand-by who has integrity and wouldn't dream of replacing me with somebody else. If you actually bed other women, do not tell me about it, since my fantasy would then be compromised."

When you meet other girls during her absence you could even go for a more verbose answer to the availability question: "A girlfriend? Well, I had one, but she decided to go to Europe to find herself and asked for a "break". While I love her and didn't want this sort of emotional distancing, I understand and respect her desire to experiment. Maybe she'll abstain from any relationship, maybe she'll nail an entire soccer team. It's not really my concern. The point is, we're both young and young people like to feel free. I'd be a real possessive asshole if I demanded that she limit herself at this point in her life, while living across an ocean. However, I told her exactly how I feel, and she still wanted a "break". I made it a "break up", to help her out with a little dose of reality. I'm gonna have a drink, do you want one?"