she never initiates
 

Hey,

I have a great sex life, but the problem is, I am always the first one to make a move. I am the one to caress her, or initiate kissing. Now, once we start she's kinky and very horny, and we do EVERYTHING. It's just it bothers me that she never initiates sex..makes me feel she doesnt want it as bad as me, and is not as horny as me. We have discussed this repeatedly, and she said that she has no answer, but that I should not read into it.

Since our discussion, she initiated the very next day, and that made me feel weird, because I knew it was not natural.

We are getting married, I know she loves me, and we do have sex 5-6 times per week, and I know she enjoys it. Do many other guys find themselves initiating a lot ?

Any advice ?

HMM Well.. I think that in most cases, at least in my experiences Guys tend to want it a little more than women do. I would be happy that I'm getting that often, and probably would leave it at that. However, communiation is important. Maybe she is uncomfortable with initiating it. Maybe explain that when its initiated by her is a real turn on. ( but only when she really wants it) 5-6times per week is great.. maybe you just beat her to the initiation all the time? What would happen if you didnt initiate it.. would you go without sex ???

sounds familiar to me danny-boy, but only after we were married.

Hey,

I have tried the non-initiation thing, and yes she does initiate when I do that. She knows how big of a turn on it is for me. She also said that majority of the time I beat her to it.

Now though, as I said, when she does initiate I second guess her, because we have discussed it, and Im wondering if she is horny, and therefore initiating, or if she is doing it for me.

We still live apart (traditional parents..no moving in together before marriage) so it is not like we can just have sex whenever. She says after we get married and have our own place, where we can have sex at any hour of the day, it will be different.

I am a pessimist by nature, and very cynical. Like once we were making out, and in the middle she just stopped and started staring at me, and then just put her head on my chest and fell asleep. Yes, that's romantic, and in hindsight, I loved it....but at the time, I was thinking....she just doesnt like sex....

Unless there is someting more to it.. enjoy getting it 5 times a week and leave it at that...

Yah, 5 times a week!!! Wait till your married. You will get to a point in your life, when sex is not the most important part a your relationship, and it happens less frequently..enjoy

Perhaps this has something to do with the issues already being discussed in your other thread.

good catch did'nt notice that...

I dont think so...

I have always been a cynical pessimist..long before I visited prostitutes. Even growing up, if my friend didnt call me to hang out, I would think they didnt like me...I felt as if I was always the one calling them.

My other friends who were not like that experienced the same thing with certain people, and even brought it up with them. They simply said they are just lazy..and we are all still best friends.

My older issue has no relevance there.

Were you abused as a child? Have issues with your mom???

Never abused, great upbringing, basically functional family...

I have always had low confidence and self esteem.

For g-d sakes, I was valedictorian of my high school, and univ class, played varsity basketball, and currently in one of the top grad schools in the world..

I still worry about everything...i go into every test fearing failure..everything bothers me....What I do remember about high school is being afraid to approach girls...which is what lead to the prostitute thing...it was just so easy.

I get worried when I'm always the one calling people...And I HATE inviting myself along to do things, cause i was always taught that it's one of the most impolite things you can do. And yet, it seems like no one ever actually invites anyone to do anything. They just mention they're going to do it, and then you're supposed to jump in and ask if you can go. Not cool, people. If you want someone to do something with you, ask them to go. If not, don't even mention it, cause then they may feel left out.

And I definitely have issues with my mom... :p

in some cultures its taboo for a woman to initiate sex... maybe she's got a cultural background your not familiar with? its not something they are taught, just a sub concious thing.

I'm the one who always initiates in my sexual relationship.

I understand that he's too shy to do it. So I take matters into my own hands.

The key is communication--talk to her about it. I know exactly why my guy doesn't initiate, and I'm okay with it. You need to find out for yourself why she acts the way she does, and the best way to do that is to ask her yourself.

I feel your pain on this one. I have the same problem, i have tried talking about this before but she just turns it around and the next thing you know it is all my fault. so that was it for talking about it. good luck

Hey,

Nope, not a cultural issue...

We always discuss it...and I think its just in my head....I mean, I always want sex...so I always initiate. who ever knew being a hornball could cause such mental anguish..
Thanks for all the advice

Sounds to me like you should stop thinking about it before you take the shovel of your mind and dig yourself into a deep pit of suspicion. There's nothing strange going on here, she just doesn't naturally initiate.

Ha, my b/f and I were the other way around. He would seldom initiate. Although there were some tiny clues he would give me.
But he would wait for me to really start anything. I think it was more out of respect for me or shyness than a lack of desire. :D

hey thats is the opposite of me and my bf he NEVER initates it and i know what you mean it kinda bugs because i think that maybe he does not have sex but i guess that i am just more hornier than him but then again maybe she likes when you initate it, it might make her feel wanted i would love for my bf to always initate it!!!

Never forget that women do not handle rejection as well as men. Yes, she may know you want sex everyday, but maybe she is worried that there is that one small chance she'll initiate and you won't want to have sex. Just a thought. Or maybe she doesn't want to be like the prostitutes you've been with. Maybe to her, initiating sex is "slutty," like how a prostitute might act, and she wishes to be different from them.

I don't know - just some random things to ponder.

My wife is the same way. From time to time she initiates, but I'm the one doing it most of the time. I'm also very dense and tend to miss lots of hints, so sometimes when she is giving me "that look" I miss it. I always tell her follow it up with "that grab" and I'll definately notice that.

regardless of what happens, count ure lucky stars ure getting it 6 out of 7 days. thats a whopping 85% (excluding any doubles on certain days).

just give us a rundown on ure tally 6 months after ure married lol :D bet u dont sustain the 85% rate. but let us know :)

Hey...

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, they really helped. I agree though, communication is the key, I'd be in a terrible situation if I could not voice any of this to her.

There are some pills that do increase female libido. My girlfriend was taking Sentia and I can say that these pills had turned her to nympho.

Come on! He's getting laid five times a week for crying out loud. :rolleyes:

*making me blush*

Yeah, I have advice. From what you write (what I edited in the above paste) you just described how I dreamed my sex life would turn out. You don't even realize what you've got. So you have to initiate. Boo-fucking-whoo. My advice is to shut up and don't ruin what is a great, great thing.

LOL And there you have it. Good point, I'd say.

I hear lots of men complain they only get sex once a week, or once every two weeks...or longer. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, danny.

Let's see if I have this right...you initiate sex & you get it. If you wait, she initiates sex and you get it. On average, this happens to you 5-6 times a week. I didn't read every post above word for word, it's Monday, about time to go home for the day, so maybe I'm a little foggy, but where the hell is the problem?

G-d? Are you jewish? Most of the good jew boys I meet feel inadequate or unloved to a certain degree because of the high standards they feel they must live up to. And the better you are, the harder it is to keep topping yourself!

Rest assured that your girl does like and want sex. If she needs to be prompted to become horny and kinky, then that's just how it is. I often don't become horny until after we actually begin having sex (all the way through foreplay I might just be going along for the ride) because the hormones don't start flowing until then. It's nothing to do with you; in fact, it means you are very good at sex if you get her so turned on!

Sex aside, I would go ahead and seek counseling to help your self-esteem. This is one of the issues counselors see a lot and they know exactly how to make you see the truth: that you are a sexy and valuable man.

99 times out of 100 i have to make the first several moves.

to me it sucks sometimes but if you have talked to her and she doesnt have an answer, dunno what to tell ya but keep talking about it and maybe she will initate once in awhile but hopefully not out of pity.

you have described my exact situation. word for word. it is really frustrating when i have to initiate almost every time. even when i know she wants to, I have to make the first move. even when we start to make out and get into foreplay it seems like i have to start everything. I like being in control, but i wish she would at least once on awhile.

The point about mentioning it to her is also dead on. I dont want to mention it because after that i would feel like she was only doing it because i mentioned it.

i am not sure what it is but it bothers me too.

You have to remember here that men wants it more than woman does, as long as she gets excited after you make the move, then you have nothing to worry about. If she still didn't get excited after you make the initial move, then, that would be a problem, don't worry about it, it doesn't seem serious to me atall.

You suffer from "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome, as do we all. Would you like to trade problems? My problem is that I haven't had sex in 4+ months now, and yours is that you're having sex 5-6 times a week (for the cost of having to initiate). What makes your problem even more concerning is that your girlfriend is willing to listen to you, and wiling to make the effort to keep you happy.

Reminds me of my situation where I tell my friend I haven't met anyone in 4+ months of being single, and he says, he hasn't met anyone in 3+ years. He wants to trade problems with me :) (and probably with you as well).

Enjoy your life, bro, you got it going quite good!

At least she responds to the advances now. Wait 'til you're married.

You'll see.

Im usally the one that initiates but then again so does she
I dont really care either way were both having fun

Like other people have said, try talking to her about it. I'm sure that if she really loves you then you guys can have a compromise of some sort

After reading this thread, danny-boy, you and I could be the same person, except that I'm only lucky enough to see my gf 2 or 3 times a week and usually only have sex twice per week. But I am always the initiator and it has bothered me too, but once I get things rolling she'll show no sign of backing down. I just wish every once in awhile she'd "surprise" me with something and then I wouldn't always feel like the complete pervert I do when I'm pulling her clothes off every time I see her.

My wife initiates sex 2-3 times a year. The problem with that is I start to wonder if she really wants it when I try and start something. I'm always thinking should I or shouldn't I and that distraction is often enough to mess things up. When we do have sex she seems interested. When I ask her why she doesn't start anything she just says she is always too tired. It gets frustrating.

Just like I said in the other thread, there must be something else going on, because time, or being tired (all the time) are not a valid long term excuse IMO. If some nights she's too tired...ok.. But def not as a long term excuse. Have you talked to her? Did she lose her drive? Does she think that he has to be a respectful mom and sex is on the line of disrespectful? I know some women that refuse to wear bikinis after they have children even when their body is still smokin hot, because "it's not motherly"