My friend is gay- how do i support her?
 

Recently, a friend of mine decided to confide in me that she is gay. She's 17, still in high school, still living at home, but will be going to college in the fall. I told her that I was happy to be there for her, as she has not "come out" to anyone else. I told her that her sexuality is something to enjoy and be happy with, no matter what it is. I said that she shouldn't be worried about coming out to other people until she feels ready to, and then only tell people she really cares about, because it's the sort of thing that's special. I said that she's an awesome chick (which she is) and that she should focus on herself and knowing who she is inside before she starts dealing with something (telling other people) that could cause a lot of outer turmoil. I'm definietely not saying that she shouldn't tell other people, just that in her high school and in her family situation it would produce a LOT of stress, so I said to wait until she felt confident within herself to handle any situation cooly.

So, I'm coming to you awexome guys to ask: what would you say to her? Is there any litature/websites I should recommend that would help her in this situation? I felt I gave her good advice: that there's nothing wrong with her, that sexuality is good and healthy, that she's a great chick- but I wanna know what y'all think there is else to say, good advice wise! Help a young girl out!

:D

I think you did good already. Just give her an understanding shoulder to cry on and remind her that she is an awesome chick whenever you can. Good job!

hrc.org has lots of good lit on coming out, etc.

i read them a lot before i started coming out. other than that...you did a good job being an ally. :thumbsup: Keep her confidences, and remind her that she's awesome when she needs it.

She's lucky to have a friend like you. When I came out as bi to my friends, one of them decided to inform the rest of the school. :(

Just let her know that it means a lot for her to confide in you and be there for her if she ever needs you. Other than that, you've done a wonderful job already. :)

She'll probably find it a lot easier to be gay once she gets to college. Most colleges have some sort of LGBT support organization. Going away to school is an opportunity to re-create yourself anyway; she'll have a great opportunity to discover who she really is, and create that for herself in a totally new environment.

For you, PFLAG is an absolutely amazing resource. They will help you support your friend in the best way you can, and give you resources to help her.

For her, there are a thousand organizations for GLBT folks. Pridelinks is one of my favorites, a megasite of links to many GLBT resources on the web. Also, LesbiaNation is a great resource for Lesbians.

I'm bi, and a flame dame, I'm active in the GLBT community here where I live and on the 'net. You're already supporting her in the best way possible, by accepting her as who she is with no reservations. That first "coming out" experience can make or break a young gay person trying to find their way in the world. Even if her later attempts to come out to family/friends aren't all that great, she always has her first experience, which will carry her through.

It sounds like you're already supporting her pretty well. You can go with her to a PFLAG meeting, send her to some of the excellent resources people have suggested, and just continue to be her awesome friend. She's likely to face some confusion about who to come out to and when, and she's likely to face some ignorance and bigotry. So just be there for her to talk to and lean on.

Best way to support her: lift from the legs. HAHAHA sorry.

A lot of universities have gay students societies (not sure about colleges), so you could help her with researching that aspect of it. Also, just listen to her, et cetera.

If you keep being the same friend that you have been and keep being supportive. That will be all you can do. Unfortunately this world has yet to be very open and supportive of gay people. Everyone thinks it is a choice or a disease. She will have to make her way through this world and this best thing you can do is be there and listen. Many gay people don't have that.

You did wonderfully in your initial reponse! I could have used more people like you when i came out bi, although i was lucky to have had a couple great friends, how refreshing, what a good friend you are! I applaud you!

Just remember to be kind and always accepting . . . Give her an opportunity to talk her feelings out, she will probably be going through alot of changes as she enters college . . . And even if you don't understand some of the things she will share with you . . . just give her a sounding board to let her emotions out, it can be a little bit of Turmoil when one first comes out . . .

Your friend is so lucky to have you. :thumbsup:

Sweetpea :)

Well, everyone has already said it, so I'll hop on the bandwagon too, just continue being the friend you are and continue to be supportive. Also be ready to help her through some tough times, because there are lots of people out there who would rather hate than understand or accept.

Oh, and wolf - not everyone thinks its a choice or disease, I'm not gay and I understand that while for some it is a choice, for others it's just the way they are, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Ive recently been dealing with a good friend of mine who just came out.

Youve done pretty well so far. The only other thing I would add would be this--dont treat her differently. Nothing has changed between you two. She is friends with you as you are; treating her differently now that she is gay may pull that apart. The only thing different now is her choice of partners, and that doesnt affect your friendship with her. Theres nothing wrong with being gay, and she needs to know that--if you suddenly start treating her differently, it makes it feel like there is something wrong with it.

Obviously little things are going to change--you are probably going to have to be there for her more as she deals with this and how to let others know, and gay jokes might not be appropriate ;) But in all honesty, the best thing you can probably do for her, other than being there for her, is be her friend. And that means treating her like you always did.

You did better than me. When one of my friends came out to me once, I was a fucking idiot. My only defence was, I was young and really stupid and ignorant. =/

I managed to repair my idiocy, and we are still friends.

She has to realize that people in high school are living in a really wierd world. Some of her friends will be idiots about it, like I was. Many of them will be just ignorant or shocked by the unexpected.

Here's what I did, and it seemed to work pretty well. After living with the same guy for a year and a half, he told me that we "needed to talk." He hemmed and hawed for a while, talked about our friendship then finally blurted out, "I'm gay."

I was so surprised, that my mouth fell open and his dick slipped out. No. Just kidding.

All the time he was leading up to his announcement, I was thinking "oh shit, he's going to tell me that I annoy him, or that I pissed him off, or that he doesn't want to live with me any more." I mean this guy was an AWESOME roommate -super kind, considerate, etc. and I'm annoying dickhead.

So when he got to the "gay" part of it, I was so fucking relieved, I truly did not give a shit. And that's what I said. Maybe this works better for guys than girls, but when I said, "I don't give a shit" he was pretty relieved too. Life went on as it had before.

Sexuality is just one small part of a person's overall whole. And unless you happen to be having sex with that person, it shouldn't matter to you in the least.

My point, if I can finally get to it, is this - maybe you ought to do nothing (unless asked). Just keep being her friend. Don't try to "help" because maybe the best thing you can do for her is show her that nothing has changed between you.

Just a thought.

Wow, I'd really like to applaud you for being a great ally.
:thumbsup:

Does her high school have a gay/straight alliance or other organization for GLBTA students? If not, she's most likely going to have to wait until the fall and college. Lots of campuses have resource centers for GLBT students and organizations that form around those resource centers. The Dean of Students' office will usually have leads as to what resources are available for a GLBT student on campus. Usually within the first couple of weeks of school an active organization will let students know of its existence. Looking for "Safe Zone" stickers is also a good idea if she's looking for other allies:

http://users.ipfw.edu/diclemej/SafeZone.jpg

This is just one example of the sticker; it has many incarnations.

Sounds like you've already done a fantastic and commendable job. :)

As most have said already, it really sounds like you're a great friend and that you've done what a great friend should. You support her and care about her and let her know she's a great person. I have many gay friends and that's really the best thing you can do for them.. just be there for her. You're doing great !

I would suggest for her to see a counsler. She may be gay, but she's at an extremely vulernable age where her emotions are playing tricks on her. Being there for her is great, but sometimes additional support may be necessary

Blech.

While you may be well intentioned, there is no harm inherient in a self-identification. So...assuming for the sake of arguement, that she is mistaken. So what? She'll find that out on her own.

This isn't a problem. I don't see why you'd treat it like one.

If she's having issues beyond the question of idenity, or it's cuasing her a lot of stress...then it make sense. But just because someone decided they're queer doesn't call for medical intervention.

Regret is a powerful thing, martin. I pray she finds out, but I hope that she takes her time in learning who she really is.

She would probably really appreciate if you were to pick up some current magazines for her that support the gay lifestyles, such as OUT, The Advocate, or Curve. A big issue for teens coming out is a feeling of isolation, and these magazines are intelligent, relevant, and will help her feel part of the gay community across the country. You are a good friend...

I have said much the same concerning all varieties of things...mostly sex, hetereo or otherwise. And that's actually what i regret the most. I bought into the production of shame and a lack of self-forgiveness that implies one mistake can ruin a life.

Yes, choosing sexual partners is something to be done with care. No, she shouldn't go out and randomly sleep with women for the hell of it.

But none of this was any different for this person under a hetero idenity. Maybe she finds a woman who really connects, maybe she tries and it doesn't quite feel right. That's life. And yes, you are perhaps liable to get a broken heart once in a while.

But to say regret is a powerful thing? She will feel as much shame, guilt, recrimination, and self-hate as she lets herself. I hope she's smarter than i was and figures it out a couple years sooner. If she didn't need pyschiatric help before, chances are she won't need it now. If her idenity or relationships or the stress of coming out troubles her...by all means. But Sage mentioned none of this, and i can't see cause to refer her to a counselor for no reason other than she came out. That pathologizes her queer idenity, and makes it more likely to be a place for guilt. It seems like you want that counselor to ask "Are you sure? Are you really sure? Women? Not men?" And that's just not appropriate.


PS to Chickentribs...With a slight revision, very good advice. You don't need to dump a pile of magazines on her...but you might ask sometime if she'd seen an article in one or something. Let her take the action in finding her resources. Unless she can't...it's good to let her keep standing on her own feet.