Wife wants to be submissive

[byesman]

I did a search, and didn't see anything like this. Anyway, after 14 years of marriage, and after about 5 years of a lousy sex life, my wife and I sat down and discussed the problem for about the 600th time. She finally said she likes it when she has to do what I tell her. That gets her excited. (My wife is very conservative when it comes to sex, she was a virgin when we met, I have been her only lover, and I literally had to teach her how to masterbate, which she only does when I ask her to so I can watch.) Anyway, She wants me to be dominant, not to the B&D or S&M type, but just telling her what to do and how to do it. I have always been an guy who concentrates on her, and I'm not sure how to go about this. Any suggestions? I have the start of my evening planned for her, but after that, nada. Thanks.

[ShaniFaye]

I dont understand how you want to be dominant but you dont want it to include BDSM....by the very nature you will be, becaue the D and S stand for dominant and submissive. Are you saying she wants to be submissive, but not have to suffer the consequences if she doesnt do what you tell her? Please remember there is a big difference in her being a submissive and you just being controlling..... I need a little more info here before I can offer any advice

[wolf]

OK, I think I know what you mean here. You want to play the Dom. Sub roles, just not to the point of wearing leather masks and whips, chains and handcuffs stuff. Well it all kind of depends on your tastes and how far she is willing to take it. First thing first, you have to understand that this is all an illusion, all d&s stuff is. The illusion is that the dominant party is in control, when actually in all D&S play there is a code word when once said everything stops. That word is spoken by the submissive party when they have had enough, so actually they are in control since they can stop it whenever they want. It would be a good idea to discuss a code word.

It is hard to tell you anything about what you should plan with out letting us know what kind of stuff you both are into. We know that you like to watch her masturbate. OK, well have you thought about purchasing vibrators or a dildo? I know I know you probably don't want to be see going into the local sex shop or your wife won't go into one.

Here is a great site

http://www.distinctivetoys.net

They are very discreet and they won't contact you. It is run by Sue Johansen who has a sex show on sunday nights on the oxygen channel.

Give us some more info and we may be able to offer further suggestions.

[f6twister]

Go ahead and be controlling/dominating and see how it goes. It can range from you ordering her into different positions to a "rape" scenario. It all depends on what you agree on. However, I think you should agree to take turns. One night you take control but the next she has to control you. I can see her submissiveness becoming a regular thing and you will become frustrated with having to do all of the work. Unless you want to be in the control position all of the time, I think she needs to start branching out and help to keep things interesting.

[minyn]

Its fun. Try it, but let her know she needs to say something if boundaries are overstepped. And make her be dominating as well, you can learn by what she does cuz she will most likely exude what she wants you to do.

this could be the start of what f6twister is talking about, and from there, you think up the next thing to incorporate into your relationship!

[la petite moi]

Shanifaye, BDSM also includes "sado-masochism" in there. Maybe she just likes being bossed around. Dominant does not ALWAYS mean the D/s sense. Dominant can also just means being in control (and you don't always have to punish to be in control).

Byesman, she basically just doesn't want to initiate- if this is okay with you, do it. Otherwise, compromise- tell her you'll be dominant in some situations, but would like her to initiate sex sometimes too.

[ShaniFaye]

thats why I needed clarification on punishment...which doesnt always include pain.... Being in the lifestyle as long as I have I AM aware of all the different ways to go about it. I just wanted to know whether this was about consequences or not.

ie....whats the point in being dominant if she decides she doesnt like something? If there are no consequences its ill fated from the start

[Dingo2879]

It sounds to me that she needs to find herself sexually.. No offense, but I don't think just you telling her what to do is going to do it.. If she can't even masturbate by herself, it seems she might not be comfortable with her own body. I would recommend her taking some kind of adult sexual enlightening courses that can help her find out about herself and explore her sexuality.

[sillygirl]

Maybe it's just something she likes. There doesn't have to be something wrong with a person just because they don't want to masturbate. Sounds to me like she just doesn't know where to take it from here, as in, she knows the sex life sucks, and she brought up something she likes to see if it'll add some spice. If the sex has been pretty damn vanilla up til now, and you're her first, she doesn't have any other ideas other than what she knows already.

[Sweetpea]

Did she give you any ideas on what she would like you to ask her to do?

Does she have a partiuclar fantasy in mind and is too conservative to ask to explore it?
Try to get her to open up about what exactly she wants to do . . . give her ideas and choices and then say "which one do you want me to make you do tonight?" That way, she can participate in creating the fantasy and might get really turned on . . .

before you do anything, just make sure you set boundries that both you and she are comfortable with . . .

peace,

Sweetpea

[Sweetpea]

Originally Posted by Dingo2879

It sounds to me that she needs to find herself sexually.. No offense, but I don't think just you telling her what to do is going to do it.. If she can't even masturbate by herself, it seems she might not be comfortable with her own body. I would recommend her taking some kind of adult sexual enlightening courses that can help her find out about herself and explore her sexuality.

You make a good point here Dingo . . . But while that might be the case with some woman . . .
In THIS case . . . her hubby has indicated knows she just plain loves to be submissive and it gets her going as it does many people, including myself from time to time . . .

thanks,

Sweetpea

[Spicy McHaggis]

It sounds like she's just lazy. She doesn't want to have to put too much effort into the sex so she wants you to do all the work and tell her what to do.

You said she is pretty limited in her experience... this is probably a way for her to feel less guilty about having sex. That you're making her do it and she doesn't have to think about sex too much.

If she really wanted to be a sub she'd want to be tied up and have you drip wax and stuff on her

[Seaver]

Jesus whats all these attacks on his wife?

I have not met ANY girl who didnt like to play the submissive role. I'm not talking whips and chains, but lighter types.

Women (from my experience, ladies back me up if it's true) LOVE when guys take control. Anything from just bending her over a chair and going at it (I LOVE showing up at her place and just starting out that way, and have only had girls ask why I dont do it more often) to telling her to dance for you. Tell her to take her cloths off, but be sexy about it. Tell her to fix a bath and you'll be in there to warm things up.

Ladies love the animal monkey sex as much as guys do. Just there is a stigma in their minds about it so they want the guy to start it.

I think it's great that she is saying she wants to be submissive. It takes a lot for someone to say that.

[Sweetpea]

Originally Posted by Seaver

Jesus whats all these attacks on his wife?

I have not met ANY girl who didnt like to play the submissive role. I'm not talking whips and chains, but lighter types.

I agree Seaver . . . he is posting to ask for advice on the sub role . . . not people's perceptions of his wife . . . please, let's keep that in mind people

Sweetpea

[ratbastid]

Some of the hottest sex lurkette and I have ever had have been mock rape scenerios. We'd turn it around, but there's just no way she could convincingly overpower me, whereas it's fairly simple for me to pin her and fuck her while she squirms and tries to escape.

A stop word is VERY VERY important. Decide on one before you start anything. We actually have two; one that means "take it easy" and another that means "stop right now".

I agree with the last few posters... It doesnt mean that she's lazy, or that she's trying to not feel guilty about sex...
I am perfectly capable and willing to initiate sex, but sometimes I love to just be controlled, or have it be a little rough. People can have preferences that dont "mean" anything.

For advice, byesman, I have to echo ratbastid. Stop words are very important. Also, start with baby steps... I wouldn't try anything too harsh right out of the gate. Kind of work your way up to it...

[xxSquirtxx]

Originally Posted by Seaver

Jesus whats all these attacks on his wife?

I also must agree. He said right up front:

She finally said she likes it when she has to do what I tell her. That gets her excited.

So, she IS opening up and telling him what she likes.

Time to explore, huh?

[Dingo2879]

Originally Posted by Seaver

Jesus whats all these attacks on his wife?

I want to apologize, I did not want my suggestion to be viewed as an attack on this man's wife. The situation he described sounded to me, like she was uncomfortable with her sexuality, and that maybe their sex problems was a result of that. This is not an uncommon problem for either the males or femals in a relationship. I was not categorizing it as a fault. He had asked opinions, and I offered an alternative solution other than creating a dominant/submissive role.

[Bryndian_Dhai]

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

ie....whats the point in being dominant if she decides she doesnt like something? If there are no consequences its ill fated from the start

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Unfortunately ShaniFaye, I've found that's how most of the people out there who are not in the lifestyle view D/s... *sighs* In the 15 years I've been active and public in BDSM, I've seen lots and lots of misunderstanding about the differences in the roles and natures of the lifestyle.

To byesman:

As far as I'm concerned, this is just play. I don't mean this as a dig at your wife, but maybe she's just afraid to take risks.... On the other hand, if she gets really turned on and excited when you take a dominant role, then maybe the two of you should supplement your exploration with some research into BDSM.... its <i><b>not</b></i> about whips and chains and leather and what you see on television and in the movies. (Unless, of course, you want it to be. )

If you're interested, PM me and I can give you some resources. There may even be a local gateway group in your area.

[Sweetpea]

Originally Posted by Dingo2879

I want to apologize, I did not want my suggestion to be viewed as an attack on this man's wife. The situation he described sounded to me, like she was uncomfortable with her sexuality, and that maybe their sex problems was a result of that. This is not an uncommon problem for either the males or femals in a relationship. I was not categorizing it as a fault. He had asked opinions, and I offered an alternative solution other than creating a dominant/submissive role.

It's okay to offer alternative views here to all situations . . . It's appreciated and needed . . .
I don't think those comments were directed at you Dingo no worries . . .



sweetpea

[Seaver]

Mind if I redirect this back to the origin of the post? Since the arguments about his wife are put aside, lets give him suggestions on what to do.

As I said, one of my fav. things is showing up unexpectedly at her place, and bending her over the couch and going straight at it.

Another thing I suggest is buy her a nice silk scarf. It's still cold most places so get her to wear it one night. Take her out, wisper sexy thoughts you've had of her all night long (think of this as foreplay). When you get home light candles, take a hot bath together, bathe her (but no sex). Dry her off, take her to bed and lay her down, and then you pull out the scarf. Now you can do MANY things at this point. I love blindfolding her. And you spend the next 30min teasing her, touching in random parts of the body. Also you can tie her up, being silk she can escape if she wants, so no freaking out... also feels MUCH better than plastic or metal.

When you kiss in the morning or at any random time, grab her close and wisper something in her ear "I want you NOW" is always a simple and effective one.

Those are my bag of tricks. Many of my female friends also love when a guy pulls her hair (harder than you'd expect) when the sex starts getting hot.

[Sweetpea]

What about furry handcuffs? they are quite soft and lovley fun That can be very exciting . . . And you could order her to put them on herself?

How about ordering her to strip for you? Would that turn her on?

I got more ideas . . . just let me know the direction you would like to take with her . . .

Sweetpea

[Sweetpea]

Originally Posted by Seaver

When you kiss in the morning or at any random time, grab her close and wisper something in her ear "I want you NOW" is always a simple and effective one.

Those are my bag of tricks. Many of my female friends also love when a guy pulls her hair (harder than you'd expect) when the sex starts getting hot.

Wow Seaver . . . some fine suggestions there. Will ya wisper in my ear sometime?

Ditto on the hair pulling . . . esp. with long hair . . . lesser known fact that it is quite the erotic sensation and many woman i know LOVE it . . .

[Seaver]

Wow Seaver . . . some fine suggestions there. Will ya wisper in my ear sometime?

I just know what I like, and I talk to women constantly to get to know what they like. It's amazing how much the two actually intersect once you take the time and get to know a persons fantasies.

It's always nice though to hear that I'm on the right track . Anyways byesman, I hope a few of my suggestions helped. I would like some female input on things they like men to do to get some added suggestions or even teach the rest of us some new things.

[byesman]

Thanks, everyone for the suggestions. I apologize for not making it clearer, but I was typing in a hurry. Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to try the suggestions. I went home friday early with that intestional flu, and she was home not long after I was with it. Today, Sunday, is the first day I've been online since then, and after 3 days of illness, neither of us feels much like trying out the suggestions. I know about stopwords and safe words and key words. I had a life before I met her.

As for the Mrs., let me say one thing. When I do get her going, she is incredible. Her sexual performances leave me exhausted. It's getting her to that point where she feels comfortable enough to release her inhibitions is what I need. And that's the key, getting her to that point. One problem is that we both are in control in our workplaces. I run a nonprofit agency, she is a teacher. So we both order people around. I think she just wants to relax, be told what to do, and enjoy herself.

ehh, she's not reading this, I'd probably be divorced if she did, so let me say that I really didn't see them as attacks on her. People don't know her, and if I was gonna be offended, posting a sex advice question online is a surefire place to get offended.

Okay, as for the suggestions Lets take'm in order:

Wolf, you are right in regards to whips and handcuffs. But the toys are a possibility.

f6twister and la petite moi, that is it exactly. She doesn't want to initiate, and I just need to figure out how to keep it going. Actually in talking about it a few minutes ago, we came to the agreement that she would initiate occasionally, even though she would prefer not to.

Dingo, you hit the nail on the head. She is not comfortable with her own body. She is gorgeous, and I mean that, not just because she is my wife. 39 years old, looks 25, and turns guys heads when we go out. People look at us like "WTF is she doing with him?" I just grin and enjoy it. Unfortunately, we live in rural SE Ohio, The nearest sexuality course would be miles away. And she would never take the course, but thanks for the suggestion.

sillygirl, the sex has been vanilla, and that's why I'm trying to get ideas. But you nailed it as well. (Ha! I said nailed it.)

sweetpea, we talked about fantasies tonight. She said she'd think about it and get tell me if she can come up with one we can do.

Spicy, she could be a bit lazy, but one thing I did not mention is that she in on an anti-depressant that reduces her sexual drive. In addition to the mental aspect of her lack of sexuality, I have to deal with the psychological aspect. Ain't it fun. Her family has a history of depression, and she hit bottom when her mom died unexpected 6 years ago. SHe is better, but needs the meds to keep her regulated.

As for the rest, shani faye, I didn't forget you. It's just that handcuffs are out, as is being tied up. That was something she first nixed. Seaver, she does have longer hair, and her favorite position is from behind. THAT may work. She wants to be bossed around, turned over my knee and spanked, and told what to do sexually. While I would love to bend her over the kitchen table for a quicky in the AM before work, it might disturb the 8 year old eating her breakfast before school.

But really, this was not an easy thing for me to ask. I've always been successful, and it's just gotten away from us. I am thinking about a weekend in a small inn about an hour away, with a garden tub jacuzzi and a lot of fun memories for us. But I don't want for our sex life to be built around a bunch of motel rooms. You folks have given me some great ideas, and I will discuss them with her in the next few days. Thank you again. Asking for sex advice was something that took me a while to do, but this was easier than I thought. When I got online tonight, I worried about the lack of responses. You folks have really helped out. Keep'em coming, and I'll keep trying them out. When we find something that works, you WON'T hear from me. At least for a day or three.

Mike

[Seaver]

While I would love to bend her over the kitchen table for a quicky in the AM before work, it might disturb the 8 year old eating her breakfast before school.

Heh, looking back I now realize there were many reasons my parents encouraged us to join Scouts and go camping at least once a month. Besides that, you could get a system down with your neighbors on trading kids every other weekend or so. Kind of a free babysitting service, no reason to feel awkward about it, all involved would be doing it for the same reasons.

[byesman]

Actually, Seaver, we have the time. The young one is involved in a lot, so we have the time, it's just that I needed some ideas for the time we do have.

[ShaniFaye]

byesman....hope ya'll are feeling 100% soon!!

Im still curious though.....how are ya'll gonna go about handling the "what if she doesnt do what you order her to do". I realize that the "pain" aspect isnt what you're looking for, but like I said earlier...dominance without consequences of some sort isnt a good plan....if you tell her to do something and she decides to rebel.....what will be your plan of action?

When I rebel, which I do just because its my nature since Im a VERY dominant person, and Im what's classified as a "bratty submissive" Dave has different ways of "punishing" me and none of them involve restraining me or flogging me in any way (because I enjoy it to much )

[byesman]

Shani, give me some suggestions.

[BuDDaH]

She just wants her man to be more dominant, so don't break out the S&M kit yet, Shani..
Byesman, just step up your game a bit, you two work so much that when you finally get home, you two are too tired to make a real concerted effort to have sex. You just have "releases".

Hmmm... Sounds like you are having #2 of what I call the "TW'S"

1) When you finally meet the person of your life, you have sex TRI-WEEKLY.
2) Not saying you are getting old and boring, but after a while, you settle in the runt of work, home, kids, bills, yadda,yadda.. so you TRY-WEEKLY to have sex..
3)Before you know it, you gotten too old to get it up, so you TRY-WEAKLY, to maintain some part of your former self and cave in to Viagra....

(Sounds farmiliar?)

In straight talk, while you want to make LOVE and she wants you to ride her like in a rodeo, fella.......
My suggestion: Break those thin lines on what we put to ourselves on : Making love, sex and fucking.

What she wants from you is to be a man; her MAN..
TRY TO BREAK IT OFF IN HER and OWN that PUSSY!!

[ShaniFaye]

guys.....seriously Im NOT trying to talk him INTO that kind of thing.....like I have said a few times dominance without consequences of SOME kind isnt being dominant. Byesman you asked for a suggestion....lots of times what Dave will do to me (or me to him since we switch) is the person "misbehaving" isnt allowed to get off.....they must continue to perform for the other person...ie oral but all stimulation of the misbehaving person stops.

I think I just need to leave this one alone now since I cant seem to communicate that I wasnt necessarily talking about whips and chains etc, evidently Im not making that as clear as I thought I was.

I will let the non bdsm people help him with it so as not to confuse anyone anymore

[byesman]

Hey guys, if I'd have known this would be so much fun, I would have posted 6 weeks ago, before we figured out the problem...

BuDDaH, It's not me taking her that's the problem, it's me taking her the way SHE wants me to, so she can get into it. I'm not having any problems, I want to make HER experience the best it can be. And she wants me to order her around, tell her what to do.

Shani, I understand what you are saying. I am not going to break out the whips and chains, because that doesn't excite her. But if we are role-playing, and she wants to be submissive, then what happens if I order and she refuses? is what you are saying. There are some things she says she doesn't like to do, masturbation for one, that always manages to get her going. She says she doesn't like it, but those fingers get awfully wet. I think she likes the fact that I make her do it. So if I want something, and she refuses, that's one option. I like yours about not allowing her to get off. I've done that in the past, tease her up to the point of orgasm, then stop, let her relax a little and start again. When she does orgasm, wow. But to use it as a form of punishment, I like.

[Bryndian_Dhai]

Its been a loooooooooooooong time since I was in a position where I was the lesser experienced partner, and I've never had a problem with inhibitions, lol..... But I dated a girl once a while back who had some issues opening up and letting her inhibitions go. The fantasies discussion helped a LOT.... As did a discussion about what she didn't "like" to do but "would" do if I really wanted her to.

She was pretty good about intimacy.... a kiss or a caress or whatever. But as far as initiating sex and telling me what she wanted, as soon as things got even remotely sexual, she'd clam up and it was frustrating to try to figure out exactly what she wanted. Once the passion kicked in, it was pretty easy to follow through, but sometimes it just seemed like nothing I did was "just" right. So we had a box, with all those things she said she wanted to try written down on slips of paper. All she had to do was pull a slip out and tell me that's what she wanted.... That way we had some variety, and she learned to articulate what she wanted me to do. Sometimes, she'd give me the paper and I'd get to make her do what was on the slip. It pretty much depended on what was written... there were some things she really just wanted me to "make" her do.

I like those spinner sex games, too. *grins* Those can be seriously fun.

It sounds like you've gotten some great ideas here, good luck!

[byesman]

Bryndian, Thats a great idea, the paper and written love games. Thanks

[Disco Stu]

Originally Posted by byesman

But I don't want for our sex life to be built around a bunch of motel rooms.

I know you were asking more for suggestions on dominance and you probably have already thought about this, but how about instead of taking her to that hotel with all those great memories, go some where different and make some new hot memories. Maybe go out camping and get naked and feel one with nature.. Maybe a private spa of some sort? Maybe a change of setting can help her/you get into your Dom. Sub roles.

I know this is a bit off topic but I just wanted to share a thought I had while reading through this thread. Hope this doesn't upset anyone.

[byesman]

Disco Stu, We actually go to several different hotels. We live in Ohio and we go to Columbus for shopping and the arts/concerts/visiting/ etc. Plus I serve on a couple of statewide boards, and we have weekend meetings, so we get to go to different hotels. The one I mentioned was one I was thinking about just for fun. As for camping out, the wife thinks roughing it is taking off her socks and shoes when she is in the yard.

I have thought about the spa idea, just not sure where a good one would be here in SE Ohio. And I'm not upset about the fact it is off-topic, but not really off topic. Any suggestions can open a wealth of ideas. Thanks.

[bad jane]

don't make this more difficult on yourself. she wants you to tell her what to do--so tell her what you want her to do.

one thing i think some people don't realize (or maybe just forget) is that for those of us who really enjoy being submissive, few things are hotter than fulfilling your partners every desire. what better way to do that than to have your partner tell you exactly what they want?

my bf struggled with this idea when i first put it to him--almost like there was something i wanted him to tell me to do, but just wouldn't say what it was. that wasn't the case at all! my request was as simple as i could make it--tell me, step-by-step, what you want--be 100% selfish because it turns me on to give that to you. granted, we don't have sex like this all the time but it makes for some really great sex when we do!

for example...dance for me. take off your top. touch your breasts. now pull on your nipples. slide your hands up and down your body. pull down your panties. hold your arms up and turn slowly so i can look at you. turn slower. come here. kiss me. unzip my pants, but don't take them off. suck me. look at me while you do it. lay back and masturbate for me but don't climax. spread your legs wider so i can see.

she may enjoy you talking her through it entirely, doing nothing until you tell her to. try giving her verbal encouragement, comment on what you love about her body and how much you enjoy watching her do whatever it is you are telling her to do. she might enjoy you asking her questions and pushing her to talk dirty (do you want me in you? yes! tell me that you want me inside you. i want you inside me! you want me in your pussy? yes! say it then. i want you in my pussy! tell me what you want in your pussy.....you get the idea). no clue if she enjoys some dirty talk or not--and some like it dirtier than others. i don't suggest calling her your whore unless you know she'll enjoy it, go for a softer word like "toy" if you want to test the waters without asking.

now, getting into what shanifaye was talking about (which is very important imo), you need to ask her before you start all this exactly what type of consequences, if any, she wants. ask her what happens if you tell her to do something and she doesn't do it--does she want you to force her? how does she want you to go about that? maybe this won't turn into an issue for you--if she's feeling very submissive she may not refuse you at all.

this type of sex play can be a lot of work while you sort out all the details, but it is soooo worth the effort!

[byesman]

Hi folks, i'm back. My stomach virus mutated into pneumonia, and playing boss to the wife was the last thing on my mind. Trying to breathe and get enough strength to get out of bed topped my priorities for the past week and a half. But bad jane, I did what you said this afternoon without even reading your post. The child was not home, I looked at the wife, told her what I wanted, she dropped down and did as I told her, and she really got into it. I told her what I wanted, she was happy, and she made me happy. (I don't know any more smilies than that one...) Then I made her happy. That was exactly what she wanted. I'm onto something here... Thanks everyone for your advice and consultations.

[ruggerp11]

remember that vanilla sex can be associated with the place as well as the act. I know you go to hotels but instead call her during the day (if you can) and tell her that she has to meet you at a hotel. Then be there when she gets there and dont' say hello or anything, just start telling her what to do. Or do it randomly. When the kid is out of town and she is cooking dinner have her stop and start dancing for you. I think its important for you both to start thinking sexually on a daily basis. Flirt with her. Send her saucy texts or tell her things like that on the phone when you call. Just keep her thinking about it and it can't go wrong.

[insidious_machinae]

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