Asking the ex out for coffee?
 

We mutaully broke up little over a year ago. Just recently I thought about asking her out for coffee. I can't seem to make up my mind about it. Most of my friends say it's a bad idea but it's up to me. I feel like like if I don't I'm just going to keep thinking about it. What do you guys think?

What do you expect to get out of this coffee thing? Are you looking to get back together? Or perhaps become friends?

I would ask if you were over her, but if you are thinking of asking her out again, doesn't sound like you are... Have you had any contact with her over the past year? Would she be receptive to it or has she moved on?

Talk to her to see if she has these same feels because people do change their minds over time. Rather than waiting till she does have a boyfriend and regreting it just ask how she feels.

If your reason for asking her is because you keep thinking about her, then you should be honest with yourself as to what you are trying to do. How much have you two talked in the last year? Why "coffee"? Are you seeing this as a sort of half-date, or are you truly wanting to reconnect as only friends?

Just be clear what is going on in your head, and be honest with her about it. My ex and I got together as "friends" after not speaking for a year, and before I knew it we were together again. It was not what I wanted or intended, and I just ended up screwing up any chance of a friendship with her because I wasn't clear with myself and it is amazing how quickly you fall right back into the old habits of a relationship. Breaking things off the second time are twice as bad - trust me!

Good luck with it...

EDIT: I should have figured that by the time I sent this I would just be repeating the sage advice of a faster typist... Curses Maleficent and drakers!

I don't want to get back with her. She has a boyfriend now anyway. I haven't talked to her in a year. I just want to see what she's up to. I'm concerned about her that's all. She lives with her parents and works at a bookstore. She doesn't seem like she's going to do anything with her life, but it's probably none of my business anymore. I dunno. I just want her to do better.

Yeah.. I've been there before, watching people go nowhere with their lives. I'd say go have coffee, but don't expect her to change because you think she should be doing better. The only motivation that will ultimately work is the motivation from within herself. If anyone pushes her, she will probably only do something for as long as she is being pushed. After that, it's back to whatever her nature is.

I am sure she would like to hear from you - you may want to hold off on the critical advice until you two have gotten past the awkward stage of becoming friends again. If you haven't talked to her in a year, you should at least know everything going on with her before tossing around opinions about her life, doncha' think? Friends should be supportive 95% of the time, and very careful about the other 5%!

Also - you need to be ready to play second banana to her boyfriend, and deal with whatever jealousy springs up with you calling out of the blue. It's tricky sometimes...

Why not... Who said you couldn't be friends?

I'm not sure that "coffee" is really nescesary. A long phone call should be fine. And if things go well, try lunch or dinner. But then again, I don't drink coffee :)

this entirely depends. what kind of a mutual breakup was it? are you over her? do you think she's over you? are you really interested in being friends or are you just trying to compare lives?

There's nothing wrong with getting together to chat. I believe that friendship can last beyond a breakup. I get along with my old gf; we see each other and talk on the phone frequently. If you got along while you were dating, you should still get along now that you're not.

Ten years after breaking up with a girl we bumped into each other. We ended up as fuck buddies for a few months, then I found a girlfriend. It's ten years now since the fuck buddy thing ended and I still see her - and her boyfriend - regularily. Just friends now, but good ones.
Jesus Pimp, if you're lucky you might have a friend for life.

You can never have enough true friends in this world. Follow your heart and you will be fine. :)

Update: So I emailed her and she's up for it. Any advice like what I should expect and not expect, advoid etc.. when we meet up? This is my first ex-gf that I've actually met up with after we broke up.

Depends what you want to get out of the relationship. Are you just looking for something physical, then sure go for it. If you're looking for a lasting LTR, then the odds are way stacked against you.

Just want to be friends.

I suppose there is the chance that while you just want to be friends, she could be feeling what a lot of the replies here are referring to. Instead of you wanting more, maybe she does and that is why she agreed to go. I know you said she has a boyfriend, but she may interested to see if there is still a spark there, so you may want to prepare for that. Just make sure you are sure of yourself going into it and try to convey the reasons for the meeting clearly.

I don't mean come out and say that this meeting is just as friends right away since that would be weird and ruin the whole thing. However, there are plenty of ways of letting people know your intentions without being so up front (body language, how you look at her, don't ask a bunch of questions about her bf, etc.).

Anyway, that's my advice. However, this is just one case. She might have the exact same mindset as you on this and only be looking for friendship and then that should become obvious quickly and I would suspect there would be no awkwardness at all.

Let us know how it goes.

Play it by ear. It will either seem natural or it won't. If you guys got along well while you were together, chances are it will go well. Best of luck to you!

Dude....

As one of the people who were around a year ago when you broke up, I've got to say: be DAMN careful. You remember what it was like? You had your whole identity wrapped up in that thing, and when it ended it was the end of the world.

Here's my advice: be darn sure about EVERYTHING there is still going for you about the relationship, the breakup, and everything after that. If you drag even a hint of that into the meeting with her, it'll just reactivate everything you went through a year ago, and you'll have to deal with it all over again. This is not to say that you have to get over anything you're not over yet, but you just need to be clear exactly what there IS that you're not over.

And don't tell me you're over her and it's done and gone. I don't buy for a minute that it's really over for you. If it were, you wouldn't need advice about seeing her again.

Edit: note my signature! :thumbsup:

Hey guys thanks! Ratbastid, your memory never seizes to amaze me. I'm not really sure what I'm not over. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. Everything just kind of ended abruptly. Maybe I just need some kind of definite closure. After I emailed her though a big chip seemed to have been lifted off my shoulders that has been eating me for a while. So we'll see.

If I were you I'd leave my balls at home - metaphorically speaking, of course - and just have a coffee and a talk. Like Val_1 said "Play it by ear". Just make sure the both of you are playing the same tune.

Well I emailed her and she's up for it. We're meeting in NYC tomorrow. I also found out she broke up with her boyfriend. I'm still love her and wouldn't mind getting back together with her, but I think I want to start out being friends and just have a good time.

I can't see anything good coming out of this, especially if you still have feelings for her. If you have spent a year getting over this girl, why throw yourself back into the fire here? Most times when people seek "closure", they're not happy that things ended, not how things ended. She seems to have moved on quite well; she's had another relationship and hadn't contacted you in a year. As the old expression goes, "let sleeping dogs lie". I hate to be the pessimist, but you've got to think of your emotional well being.

Danger! Danger!

You actually wrote "I'm still love her". That's awfully close to "I'm still in love with her". Tell the truth now: did you write it that way first, then reconsider and half-fix it? First thoughts never lie, my friend.

Look, bringing all your upset and hurt to the table would be more healthy than this BS. You're still raw and bleeding about it, even after a year, and now you're going to be all hopeful and expectant. Trust a guy who's been there: this is a bad idea. I'm not saying you should be emotionally unavailable and cold to her, but you've got to start telling the truth to yourself about how you feel, or your emotions will be running you.

Go for it.


What is she gonna say? No? You lose nothing.

hey, i hope everything goes well and it works out, whatever it is that needs worked out. One thing i know for sure, If you still think about her and you think about the times you spend with her. Then make up for it, take back that year that you missed. but be careful and watch what you say dont got to fast and to go to slow. good luck and i hope it's better than mine.

We met up today. It went really well. We had a good time. I took her out for lunch and shopping. She was really happy to see me and wants to keep in touch. So we're friends again. She wants to stay single so she can work on getting her shit together.

Glad to hear it went well. Good for you. It's always best to be at least on speaking terms, if you can.

I have to agree with your signature :thumbsup:

EDIT: I didn't read the fact that you guys spoke. Been...awake...too...long. Grats though!