Sexual Orientation: Should you tell those close to you?
 

Hello guys and gals . . .


So here is the basic question of anyone who has a different sexual orientation than the 'mainstream' . . . (although it seems like more and more gals are embracing being bisexual)

Should you tell your family and friends?

Is it important to share your sexual preferance with those close to you??

I have felt an urge to tell my family and friends about being bisexual, I know that my family will Not be cool with it . . . but i feel like i am hiding a huge part of myself and my life by pretending . . .I just feel like i can't be myself around those who are close to me anymore . . . I am 23, consider myself a mature individual but I feel like i am hiding a huge part of my life . . .

I am bisexual gal and married/committed to a man, who is totally accepting of my being bi, having the common interest in woman is an interesting thing in a marriage . . . :lol: (And i know where alot of people's minds are going . . . and yes, i think a MFF threesome would be great!) :)

I don't want to pretend to be someone i am not . . . but would also face some strained times ahead until everyone may or may not accept me . . .

How important is it for those close to you to know "the real you?"

What is everyone's take on this? Any stories or advice on coming out?

sweetpea :)

I do not run around telling people I am straight all the time. I do not see why being something else would require such announcements.

I would never tell people I am close to that I like it when girls pretend I am the evil troll king come to rape and pillage their land. Nor do you need to tell them that you are into open relationships, bi, or MFF threesomes.

Now if you want to, then you have already decided, so go ahead.

I appreciate your candor and i respect your opinion and it's obvious how you judge this situation . . . Obviously, in your life you do not have to tell people you are straight . . . everyone Assumes you are . . . and i assume you have never had to HIDE a relationship from your family and friends or hide someone who was important to you because of fear of judgement???

I am not out to announce anything . . . I don't go around ramdonly telling people about my sexuality . . . except on this forum, where i thought it was okay to speak openly . . .

Look at it from that perspective please . . . and put yourself in my shoes . . . if you DID have to hide who you were dating . . . WOULD you then not tell your friends and family you had met someone really special??

*nods

i've walked a similar line...i'm out as bi to a most of my close friends, with a few exceptions for folks who i know to be more conservative. i'm always torn about it, tho.

i want to give people the chance to be good about it, and so far i've had a lot of positive support. it's not a huge deal for them to know, but i like being open and sharing my life. as a bi, i think there's some imperative to make a public stand with the queer community, so that we don't get misunderstood.

but...if it's going to cause more problems than it solves, don't feel obligated. i'm lucky to be in a place where there's good support...a dozen or so of us gather weekly for Bisexuality discussion group, and that fufils most of my need for honest communication.

in the end, this is up to you...i wish you all the best as you decide.

I am what you would call "sexually ambiguous"--you can read what you want into that. Most people try and fit me into a slot of heterosexuality or bisexuality but that, to me, is not what sexuality is about--it's about freedom of expression.

That said, you have the right to tell people if you so desire to. I've only broached the topic of my own sexuality with my parents when the topic came up. I've pointed out to them a couple of times that I don't think you fall in love with body parts. They're very accepting of my attitude. So I think if it falls naturally into the path of the conversation, say it. You'll feel better about it, even if the reaction isn't the one you want. :)

Dont pretend.
tell who you want/need for your own reasons, no one else's.
its who you are, that should never be compromised

"I am bisexual gal and married/committed to a man” makes this seems less a “should I come out of the closet” thing and more like “Should I tell how freaky I am” thing.

To me, telling them you sometimes see a girl on the side, or sometimes bring one into you and your husbands bedroom equates to “Mom I like 12” black dildos.”

It's only important to tell them if you believe it's important to tell them. It's your own damn business, and it is your business whether or not you want to share it with them. I don't think you have to "hide" an alternate sexuality around people though. The only time sexual orientation comes up at all with people I know is if someone decides to make a gay joke or something. It's not like being bisexual or gay suddenly turns you into a Queer Eye stereotype.

I see how it may look to you and that i presented it in a lighthearted manner by adding in the MFF thing, which i have actually never done . . . And although i presented it in a lighthearted manner . . . The basic question is should i really hide who i am just to please other people and avoid their judegement about what is a integral part of who i am . . . I hope that makes sense. again Vincentt . . . i thank you for your input and respect you for sharing your opinion, please continue to do so . . . this forum is about gaining different perspectives, so i appreciate your candor . . .

sweetpea

thank you minyn for your input. That is my basic question . . . when to compromise, when to be myself? :)

Thank you onesnowyow for your input. Yes, that is how i feel . . . love/sexuality isn't about gender, you can let a person into your life and share and learn. That is lovely to hear that they are so accepting . . . I hope that my family/friends can be as open minded . . . But i certainly feel a pull to tell them something i have been hiding my whole life. . . .
thank you again . . .

sweetpea

I think that often individuals who are bisexual are not really understood, especially among more conservative communities such as mine . . . I would dearly love to be open about my life to those that i care about and share with them what is going on in my life . . . It feels very closed in to have kept a whole part of myself hidden from everyone i care about my entire life . . . I just would like to be free to be honest with them for once. I think it is wonderful you have friends that you can be open with . . . i am truly envious :) That is wonderful that you have a place where you feel accept to share discussions with each week . . perhaps i should look into that . . .



martinguerre, i thank you for your input.

peace,
Sweetpea :)

If you feel that you are hiding or not being honest then tell the world. If people dislike you for being different in that field then they are not liking you for who you are. but fro who they would like you to be. In other words if you can look yourself straight in the eye without feeling embarrassed why should they? If you feel right about it tell the world 9if you want), but don't be ashemed for who you are

The only people I've ever told are either A. people I have slept with or B. really close friends (~ 6 to date) or C. TFP members :lol:. Its something I see as a very personal thing. I am also male, so I don’t really fall into that stereotypical its ok to be a girl and bi.

For a long time I was ashamed of it, scared maybe. But part of growing up is learning to be comfortable with who you are. I'm happy with myself now, but I don’t think everyone needs to know what I do behind closed doors.

I have told a number of my close friends (and the rest have probably guessed/assumed by now), and I've told my mother and my sister. The one thing all the "in-the-know" people have in common is that I turn to them for advice, comfort, sharing happiness, etc., about nearly everything in my life, and hiding a piece of myself from them felt stifling. I think you're right that a lot of people don't understand bisexuality (or homosexuality, for that matter). It's not just about sex, it's about your identity, about who you are, not just who turns you on. I'm afraid I can't articulate it better.

It's completely okay to want to tell the people in your life, but it's also completely okay not to. My rule of thumb has been to tell people if I can't stand their not knowing, and if I'm ready to accept whatever reaction they give me.

ugh...that's the worst thing i've read all day. i don't mean to be rude...but that's just woefully uninformed.

Sexual orientation is not a perversion, or a kink.

Why is it anyone's business what your sexual preference is? Why do you need to tell them, unless you are trying to shock or be controversial.

I really don't care what sexual preferance my friends have, I like them for who they are, not who they shag... I honestly don't get why people try to label themselves, and want to tell the world that they have this label.

i'll use an anecdote that isn't quite the same but its similar:

my family is reasonably religious. i was raised on sunday school and such. but i'm agnostic. noone in my family knows about it, really. i don't pretend to be full of faith around them. i am who i am and its not important to me if they know about that part of me. if they'd ask, i'd tell them. they'd probably accept it and move on. if not, its their problem, not mine. i shouldn't have to put up a marquee keeping them informed of my fundamental belief structure.

what do you accomplish by telling them? if its something important to you, then by all means tell whoever you want. but to people who don't care about your sexual orientation, it would be meaningless or even pretentous. to people who do care, it might be infuriating.

I don't think anybody needs to announce their sexuality, like most have said here.

i don't understand this. through your posting here, which i'm not crititcising in any way shape or form,you've shared your relationship and that it's hetero.

I don't know how you self-identify, but just by sharing your everyday life, it implies a sexual orientation. you feel fine sharing those things because you know there are other people out there who are the same way. what if you thought you were the only hetero on earth?

being out isn't necessarily about confrontation, and it's a vital thing to do. queer teens have one of the highest suicide rates of any group, because of the shame they internalize. providing counter examples and being visable saves lives...

"Sexual orientation is not a perversion, or a kink."

I am not saying Sexual orientation is a kink. What I am saying is that seeing other people outside of marriage is a kink. Open relationships are kinky.

"I go to swing parties should I tell my friends and family?" I find equal to this question.

Now, if I ignore that you have a husband or that you are in a relationship, as a single bisexual girl, I think you should tell your friends and family.

However, here only if you would consider having very long-term relationships with females. Because if your bisexuality is only for sexual attraction/sex then it can be ranked with the kinky/does not need to be told pile.

Sweetpea. I don't have an opinion as to whether or not you should tell your friends and/or family. But I can share my own experience. I am a bisexual male. I had never told anyone since I first started to figure it out for myself. However, recently I told my girlfriend (of one year), who incidentally found it very sexy that I was - a big surprise. I felt such a relief to just share it with someone. Keep in mind that it's usually far less acceptable in most circles to be a bisexual male as opposed to being a bi female. So then I told a few ex girlfriends that I am still close to. They were completely cool with it and even found it pretty interesting.

I felt more relief in just kinda not feeling like I was hiding something. it's not a good feeling. I didn't realize how much I needed to just not hide a small part of myself to someone close to me. After I told the ex girlfriends, I started thinking, I can tell more people. Eventually, I came to figure that I really don't need to tell anyone else right now. I have not told any of my guy friends, that's another story altogether.

But I felt much better about myself and the relationships I have with my friends since I quit hiding that part of myself. I hope you figure out what's right in your situation. and good luck.

marco

Not anouncing is hiding, in my opinion, if a person wants that by choice (i.e none of the others bees wax) than fine. However as soon as someone is constrained by society (robbed of a choice) I feel it comes near intollerance. The question is not if people should be open about these matters, but if they can (without being judged). Personally I feel that everyone should be able to be open about their sexual preference, because I do not care. However there is a restriction, the person in question should want it.

On topic: If you feel people will think less of you for being "different" to them, don't tell them if you want to keep the relationship. In the end it is (mostly) a small blip on the radar and will therefore not matter as such.

An interesting question.

It seems as if homosexuals and bisexuals and whathaveyous have a lifestyle - and plain old heterosexuals don't. You always hear about "alternative lifestyles", but not about "mainstream lifestyles".

Your question as presented assumes that we are somehow required to be of one or the other specific thing, group, class, or lifestyle, and that we should embrace this and try and get others to embrace it as well.

I don't really know why you feel like you should tell your family anything at all. If you decide to start dating a female, do so. And should you feel like introducing her to your family, go right ahead. Why should they be alerted to your "lifestyle" prior to that? Why should you make it a point to try and give them a clue as to who or what you like to share your bed with?

If you try too hard not to turn it into a big deal, that is precisely what it'll end up becoming.

All of my friends know I like woman as well, as for family, my sister knows but not my parents.....my mother is the typical "what did I do so wrong raising you that you turned out this way" mother and I dont tell them simply to avoid THAT guilt trip. If she were to ask, I wouldnt lie but Im not going to offer the information.

Its very difficult to be around me and NOT know that I like women as well. Dave on the other hand doesnt tell many people that he is bisexual, in fact his first sexual "experiences" were not with females, and Im perfectly fine with that...its nice to know he has NO sexual hang ups about anything, it leads to more fun for us. Right now our relationship isnt in a stage where we are involved with anyone but each other and we are both just fine with that, 1-2-3-4 years down the road who knows, you dont "plan" things like that, but its nice to know that should a "situation" arise we are both open to whatever opportunity may arise.

In the end to ME its only important that my partner know what I lean towards.

What is there to hide, or announce? Who you really are is not something defined by who you find attractive.
What topics of conversation do you want to open up with your friends and family that are closed at the moment?
If you brought your BF to a family dinner, does the topic of your sexual activities come up in conversation? If you brought your GF to the same dinner, would you expect your family to be interested in your shared intimacy?
Your family care for you because you are you, they are probably not as interested in what you like to do with the lights off as you might imagine.

I say tell people if you want them to know (and they appear not to know). I know I told my parents right before I got engaged. I sat down my parents, told them I had met someone wonderful and beautiful, that loved me as much as I loved that person. They accepted me totally (as I knew they would) and then I asked for this persons hand in marrige. This could be said of a straight couple or a gay couple. That's kinda the point, isn't it? It shouldn't be different going from one sexual orientation to the other. Whether it is or not for some people is a fact of reality, but if someone is gay, he or she should be able to live as comfortably as someone who is straight.

why assume that we're talking about sexual activities? i don't share that stuff, pretty no matter what. but as long as we're outsiders living in a heteronormative world...there's going to be stuff to talk about. i participate in a discussion group on bisexuality, and most of our talk isn't about "sex" but how to negotiate relationships, public perceptions, and how to live our lives the way we were made.

now, if you really don't think these things are worth talking about...why are you posting in a forum dedicated to these very questions?

everyone, i thank you very much for your comments and input. I truly appreciate the TFP community, all of you are thought-provoking and intelligent individuals . . .

I have come to the conclusion that it just doesn't matter and i am going to let it go . . . and if it were ever to come up in conversation, i won't hide it then but i am not going to bring it up at the next family dinner or anything . . . I am naturally open person . . . but i have come to the conclusion that telling my family would just cause more problems than it's worth at this point in my life . . . maybe sometime in the future it will come up and i will feel comfortable revealing such things . . .

In the end, i agree with Shani Faye . . . as long as i can be open with my partner . . . then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks . . .

thanks again everyone . . . i truly have appreciated your postings and enjoyed reading them . . .

thats where i think the hangup is between one side of this and the other. i believe that zen_tom hit the nail on the head in a very zenlike way.

why does one have to either announce their sexual orientation to everyone or hide it, telling noone? why can it not be something normal? something that isn't even a very big deal, nothing to sweat over? something talked about when it comes up but something that isn't a controvertial issue? the obvious answers would be that there are intolerant people. can't we ignore these people? if someone who is bi - or homosexual has to run their life in one of the two extremes above, isn't that what the intolerant people want? preventing someone who isn't the "default" choice from living a normal frickin life?

This is a difficult one. I realized and accepted that I was Bisexual when I hit puberty (there were signs before then, but I chalked it up to curiousity) and when I came out (I was 19) most didn't believe me. I seemed so "straight". Some, because of their beliefs, cut me out of their lives, altogether. I've not spoken to them since. It depends on the person, their beliefs and how much they are willing to look past. I will not change for others, I don't expect them to change for me. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have been more selective with who was made aware and who wasn't.

IMO I would just keep it between you and your husband. His opinion is the only one that should matter on this subject. And if he approves I believe thats all you need. Oh and for the obvious reasons of sparing yourself the family headache.