Disabilities in Relationships
 

I'm here asking for everybody's honest opinion on this:


When you are considering entering a relationship with someone, have you chosen or would you choose not to enter a relationship with someone who had a disability?


I was talking with a few guys I know last week, and they commented that they would deliberately choose not to have a relationship with someone who had a severe disability, such as deafness, blindness, or some other physical impairment. I was shocked to hear this, as this was from a group of guys who I had, up to this point, deemed to be extremely intelligent, good hearted, unbiased guys. Their reasoning for their choice was the relationship would require more work, and they didn't want the other person to become dependent on them.


I'm really curious the choice other people would make in this decision - please share!

If I were attracted to the person enough to consider a relationship in the first place, no, the disability would not preclude my attempting a relationship with them. I think the tougher question would be: if your S.O. became disabled DURING your relationship, would you leave/stay/etc. Of course, that question is completely unanswerable until it happens, but I'd definitely say it's a tougher one.

edit: Never mind.

I dated a chick that only had one hand (does that count?) for a while, it didn't work out because she was a control freak.

I wouldn't say it's much different than dating based on looks either. I wouldn't knock someone who wouldn't date someone with a disablility if they couldn't handle the dependancy as it would be better in the long run for both parties to be in a relationship they would be completly happy with rather than someone who can admit they can't handle it putting up a front for those who would look down on them for not doing so.
As far as leaving somone for a disability come upon during a relationship, In marriage the lines "in sickness or in health" are said and anyone breaking that bond is pretty fucked up.

It would depend on the nature and severity of the disability. Personally, if my SO became disabled in any way, I'd stay. It's what's inside that counts.

I think your friends probably meant to say that this is their rational decision, if they were not involved with the disabled person in question. I think that if you are in the position to get to know someone with a disability profoundly, then you can change your mind, and the disability would no longer be a factor. Because you fall in love with a person's personality at that moment, the physicality is only a secondary issue, though it helps of course, this is undeniable. But you can't choose to not love someone because of your rational ideas on relationships. Of course a disability can be very central if it is a very serious one, but I don't think it's impossible to overcome this superficial aspect of a person. I happen to know a lady who is now 80, she became deaf at a very young age through meningitis. She is a lovely lady, and was a real beauty as a young woman, and yet she has told me she never married because all the men who dated her eventually backed out because her disability was too daunting for them. Hopefully times have changed now, it really saddens me to think that she was cast aside that way.

To lighten the issue, and give a simple example, I could tell myself over and over that I don't want to date a guy who smokes, but lo and behold I go out with such a man! It's not something you choose, at least not for me. It really just happens. My boyfriend will kill me if he reads this heh. ;)

With a physical disability if I was attracted to them and their personality i'd give it a go just like any other relationship. I think the hardest part in that might be more with how the disabled personal has accepted their situation and doesn't think you're trying to pitty them etc but actually interested. I knew a really sweet girl once with one leg but she so angry still about her lot in life she was unapproachable even as a friend.

Can I please have their names and numbers and set them on the path to enlightenment.

[Begin Rant]
I am sure there are cases where people with disabilities do become dependent on their partner, but there are just as many people who are not disabled that also become dependent on their partner. It's the person that makes that happen, not the disability. To not want to get involved with someone for fear of having them become dependent on them... they might as well go move to a cave... cause that big boobed blonde brain surgeon could be just as dependent...

As long as you can communicate with that person, and like that person, what ability/disability they have or don't have doesn't mean a hill of beans difference.

Its very sad that your friends would refuse a relationship with someone based on their own insecurities or their interpretation of the other persons inabilities. You never know where a friendship or relationship will go if you don't try. One of those people who are blind, deaf, missing a limb, etc could be their match. I would be curious to know if your friends think that they wouldn't be worth dating if one of them were to become disabled. How would they feel if by being blind, they were now thought to be unworthy of love and attention? Sad, very sad.

I don't know honestly. I would have to be in that situation to know for sure. Depends on my feelings for the person.

On the other hand would you leave someone you were dating becasue they BECAME disabled?

I would have no issue being in a relationship with someone who was disabled, assuming of course there is a spark of attraction/etc

I personally enjoy how people automatically assume that someone is "insecure" if someone answers with "no".

It all comes down to preference.

That's like asking, "Would you date a fat man/woman?" Just because someone says no doesn't always mean they're insecure or anything, it's just not something that interests them.

I like to think that it wouldn't be an issue to me. The only reason I could see it not working would be my lack of knowledge (such as me not knowing sign language). But if it was somebody who I cared about, I would definately at least give it a try.

I think that the relationship would definitely have more obstacles, but I wouldn't completely rule it out. As for being with someone and having them become disabled, I would work through it no matter what. If I'm commited to them, I'm there to stay the duration.

One of the biggest biases disabled folks face is the desexualization of them by the opposite sex. I have two very good friends who are both disabled with cerebral palsy. Both of them have a very hard time getting the opposite sex to notice them as anything but a friend. I hope, though, that some day someone will take the time to look beyond their physical disability and see that they are two of the brightest, funniest, kindest people I have ever met.

That said, I've been attracted to disabled people in the past, including a deaf guy who had to flirt with me via a translator (which was hilarious--well, he was hilarious) and a paraplegic who's just so cute you don't notice the wheels. So if a person is attractive--be it personality, looks, whatever--enough, the disability doesn't matter. If I met someone who was disabled and fell in love with them, it wouldn't bother me. Love is a powerful, powerful thing.

refusing a relationship because of the others 'disabilities' is at least honest, although denotes alot of selfishness in the individual, at least IMHO.

Had I refused a relationship because of the others disability or illness then I wouldn't have the family I have now.

Yes, my wife has a debilitating conditition (Lupus) and it makes life extremely difficult at times but I wouldn't have it any other way without her.

Bright, funny, and kind do not sexually attractive make. :) I see what you're getting at though.

I would go for a disabled chick with a trust fund.

I think that dating someone with a disability is no big deal.. If I know them and have a good relationship with them anyway, then why would a disability be a problem?

I guess everyone is entitled to their ideas, but for them to say that a disability would make a relationship "hard"??? I don't know.. It just sets funny with me.

*cliche alert* It's not what's on the outside that counts. It's on the inside that matters, and if they can't see past the outer shell, then it's their loss, because they are probably missing one of the nicest, most intelligent people they'll ever meet.

Baffles my mind.

Dude, look at miss USA a couple years ago, she was deaf but most certainly one of THE hottest women to make it into the public eye in the last ten years. She was smart, seemed to be not too stuck up and was drool over beautiful. Deep down I think that personality is the most important long term but an ugly duckling doesn't have much chance with me (not that any chick does since I am firmly committed to my wife of nearly 5 years =) If she's not a dog and has a nice personality I don't think it would matter that much to me. Hell I had girlfriends that had pretty severe mental problems due to rape and similar and that was never that much of a problem to me so I don't see how something as small as a physical handicap would disuade me from seeing the potential in a great woman.

I can offer a different view on this matter. I AM a disabled person, I have cerebral palsy.

It's...well, it's frustrating. And not just in the sense of, "No girl will ever love me, blah blah blah," I've grown used to those feelings. The deeper, almost more paainful side of it is the attitude of my female friends. I love my female friends, I do, I think they're great, wonderful women, and in all honesty, I could see myself dating any of them, but what's constantly the issue, is that their attitude is always "aww, matt, i love you, you're so wonderful, and some girl will absolutely love you some day!" which is nice, but the underlying theme in everything they say is "but not with me." And i don't mention it to them, but it hurts.

Granted, that is a situation I've put myself in, but right from the start, I'm identified as this really awesome, really smart, cool, sweet and caring friend. and nothing more. And it's sad, because I think I'd make a really awesome boyfriend.

I hear that. I really do, having been in that position myself for most of my life. All I can say is, I really hope you meet the woman who sees you as that awesome boyfriend rather than the guy who'll make someone else happy one day. I did, and I've never felt more appreciated in my life. It makes it all worthwhile. At the end of the day though, Matt, you know you're a catch, and the best thing is, you don't seem to hold any bitterness towards women as a result of your female friends' blindness to your attributes. That's a pure heart.

People who are umming and ahhing over whether they would date someone with a disability... you can reframe the question in terms of 'would you date someone if they were flat-chested?'

Not that flat-chestedness is a disability, but it says precisely the same amount about the reason you fall in love with someone. It's about who they are, the kindness, the sweetness, the generosity of spirit that they exhibit by their actions. What if you dismissed someone potentially very special because they didn't swell out in the right places? You would have thrown away a chance at happiness over something inconsequential. You might think you could never love a flat-chested woman. I guess maybe I'm in a minority of people who know - not think, but know - that what you look like is probably the least important thing in a loving relationship. If you're in love, she could look like the elephant man, and you would still be sexually attracted to her, because you would want to please her and show her you loved her.

If you don't think you could love someone with a disability, then you're just as superficial as the guy who won't look at a woman unless she's a D cup.

Blindness, CP, deafness, arthritis, disfigurement, anything... it's all the same. Superficial and inconsequential in comparison to love.

Go get the song "Todd" by the band I Voted for Kodos.

It's damn well the best nice boy angst anthem ever.

on the issue...i think it would be a challenge...but i've never known a single relationship/friendship/connection that was worth it and that was easy.

I once dated a blind girl. She was very nice, and wanted our relationship to grow, but I backed away becuase I found that I liked her dependence on me in an unnatural way. So I felt it was unhealthy of me to enjoy her as I did. She married a nice guy about 2 years later. Incidentally, he was also blind.

I sure am glad I don't - to my knowledge - have friends of such small-minded caliber. I knew we men can be real assholes, but that puts a new spin on it. Not wanting to put in the extra effort says a lot about how committed they are to having a meaningful relationship.

I wouldn't have a problem having a relationship with someone with a disiblity. If they were deaf, communication would be a bit of a problem till I got proficient in sign language but if I like them enough that I would consider dating them, why would I care if they couldn't hear me or see me?

havent a disability and in a wheelchair i can tell you first hand how hard it is. people i meet just see the wheelchair but once they get to know me they figure out i'm pretty normal. its hard sometimes

I hate it when people automatically pull away if they find out someone has a "disability." Its just a person, they might be a little different, but thats not an excuse to treat them differently than anyone else.

Funny story...

I used to date a really sweet girl who was almost completely deaf. Her and I went out with a friend of mine and his SO on a double date to a slightly noisy restaurant. He talks kind of fast, so she kept asking him to repeat himself. After about the fifth time, he snapped at her, "What are you, deaf?" She grinned, winked at me, and pulled her hearing aids out and set them on the table.

I've never seen someone turn red so fast. I thought he was going to pass out he was so emberassed. I think he apologized 500 times that night, she just thought it was hilarious.

I met this Beautiful deaf woman once, and was smitten from first meeting. She was classy, attractive, strong and sexual. We dated for 6 months, but I just couldn't seem to make it work. I think it was because she just didn't listen to me.

Joking, but if the "magic" is there who cares if she has 3 breasts or a 70 IQ.