Weird situation

[Marrek]

Ok, long time reader of the wonderful TFP, and this is probably the first time I've posted in over a year or so. I've kind of got a weird situation I'm in involving me and my buddy's girlfriend, and I was looking for any kind of insight or advice on the situation and what I should do, if anything, so here goes.

One of my best friends Nathan, and his girlfriend Jessica, have been dating for a little over a year now. I've known Nathan for probably six or seven years now, and Jessica for around two. When I first met Jessica, it was through Nathan's then-girlfriend Katie. We all hung out and always had a great time. Jessica and I flirted a lot and life was good.

Well, Nathan and Katie decided to break up, and even though Jessica and I were interested in each other, she and Nathan ended up getting together. They have a pretty strong relationship. They've had some problems in the past when it comes to Nathan playing video games and whatnot over spending time with her, and this where I come in.

I don't know if she just wanted the attention, or was pissed off at him, or what the deal was. But I would go to Nathan's apartment, and while he was there playing video games, Jessica and I would mess around in another room. Nothing major, just kind of feeling each other up. Like, over the shirt/pants stuff. This started going on about three months ago.

Nathan has been changing his ways, and pays more attention to her. However, atleast once a week (it seems) when both Jessica and I are at his place, we will end up fooling around. It usually happens when Nathan goes to work (graveyard shift) and we're there alone. Also it tends to happen more after we have smoked a little weed. I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I figured I'd toss it out there.

The actions been getting progressivly better (or worse, depending on who you are) each time it happens. Two nights ago I had her bra off and she was giving me a kind of pseudo-foot job. I know that's not some big thing, but it's a lot farther than we've gone before with each other. I tried getting into her pants but she stopped me there. Anything else I do she openly encourages, though.

When Nathan is around, she doesn't do anything to make it seem like she's interested in me. Once Nathan walks out of the room though she gives me this look that just has "I want you" written all over it. If Nathan's not paying attention she'll slap my ass, pull my hair, grab my nipples etc. I'm kind of into the pain and being dominated thing, and she knows that. So I assume she's doing that to turn me on, or atleast show interest.

Now being the sexually deprived, 20 year old male that I am, I'm obviously not going to be turning this action down. It's just that it happens once during the week, and I get really anxious about trying to make/have it happen again, to the point where I get pissed if it doesn't. Considering she's not my girlfriend, and I'm going behind one of my best friend's backs to do this, it DOES kind of bother me. But at the same time, I really really like this girl, and I do think she is genuinely interested in me.

I'm not going along with it solely because I'm just horny. I really do care for this girl and given the chance would date her in a second. That's just kind of out of reach due to that whole "never date a friend's ex" rule, plus her and Nathan aren't even broken up.

So I guess what I'm asking is, should I talk to her about it and see how she feels? And if so, what exactly should I say? ANY insight or advice on this would be greatly appreciated, as I am really bothered by the situation as a whole.

[NoSoup]

Hmm... I hate to be harsh - but I feel I must say what needs to be said.

You're an asshole.

Like this girl or not, if she is one of your "Best Friend's" woman - stay the hell away from her. What in the world makes you think that messing around with your friends girlfriend qualifies you as his best friend? More like an enemy, in my opinion.

Of course, you are not the only one to blame, as obviously the girl is a moron as well. The worst part about this situation is that it is all taking place behind his back in his house.

If I were you, I would seriously re-evaluate what you consider a friend, and if you were to decide that you still are "friends" with your mate, tell him that you've been messing around with his chick and let the chips fall where they may. If I were in his shoes, you wouldn't be around for long - but that's just me.

[Averett]

What NoSoup said. You're an asshole, she's a two timing bitch. Straight up. Stop screwing with her, and stop hanging out with Nathan. You're not his friend. She's not your girlfriend. Remove yourself from the situation.


And its not a weird situation, it's a fucked up situation.

[fhqwhgads]

I've been there. I had a friend's girl show up on my doorstep wearing nothing but an overcoat because she was pissed at him. I ended up turning her down, but only after a lot of kissing and a ton of regret. I let it go farther than it should have, and for that I was an asshole...

Still am.

[Marrek]

Fucked up, weird. Whatever. I'm calling it how I see it, since I'm the one in the situation.

Aside from that though, thanks for the replies. I was hoping that being called an asshole would take a while, but apparently not. However, that's probably exactly what I needed to hear.

EDIT: Thanks fhqwhgads, that's the kind of reply I was looking for. Someone who's been in a similar situation. Is it bad that I don't feel any remorse for doing it? I know I'm being an asshole by doing this, but something is driving me to keep doing it, and I feel no regret at all. Maybe I am just really horny...

[runtuff]

Don't be an asshole, read the posts above. Be a real man, and do the right thing. Keep reading the above posts until you get it. If you don't like being called an asshole in print just wait and see what might happen in person!

[StephenSa]

Hey, let it progress. Maybe you'll eventually get laid. You'll then start to feel awkward around your friend. She won't fool around with you anymore but WILL eventually tell your friend and he'll drop you like a bad habit because you betrayed him showing a complete lack of honor. She then won't have anything to do with you because the excitement is gone. You'll be alone. Problem solved.

[stonegrody]

It would probably be best to get out of the situation entirely. First of all, it's your best friend's girl. You just don't mess with that, even if you care about her and she seems to care about you. I've been similar situations and it never turns out well. If you value your friendship, you would walk away. Even if you did end up with her, who's to say she wouldn't do that shit behind YOUR back? You probably wouldn't like that too much. As cliche as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I say let this one go.

[tooth]

Your're both being a dick to your friend, and she's playing games with you. Go find someone else to hang out with 'till they break up. Then start hanging out with Nathan again, and forget about the prick-tease.

[astrahl]

You are not an asshole. You want attention and it seems like your friend is taking what he has for granted.
She, on the other hand, is using you as an outlet and you shouldn't stand for it. As a female I have seen the opposite situation with friends where the guy is teasing around.
You deserve a person to have for yourself...you don't have to take the leavings of another person. Let her know exactly that. You are important enough to deserve a full-fledged relationship. And if she can't give that to you, you are finding it somewhere else.
Don't let her use you as an outlet or a revenge plan or whatever...and don't take the chance of breaking a friendship that is more important than a cockteasing chick.

[fhqwhgads]

Originally Posted by Marrek

EDIT: Thanks fhqwhgads, that's the kind of reply I was looking for. Someone who's been in a similar situation. Is it bad that I don't feel any remorse for doing it? I know I'm being an asshole by doing this, but something is driving me to keep doing it, and I feel no regret at all. Maybe I am just really horny...

Yes, you are thinking with entirely the wrong head. It took me a well deserved punch in the face before I really regretted doing what I did. At the time, the lower of my two brains was doing all the thinking, and all he was thinking is "hot. naked. chick." There's nothing unnatural about being horny and seeing a hot girl who's interested in you and being flattered and turned on and all that jazz... but when she's off limits, she's gotta be off limits. Think of her like a crazy sister who's all hopped up on meth. Ok, maybe I went too far.

[Marrek]

Originally Posted by fhqwhgads

Yes, you are thinking with entirely the wrong head. It took me a well deserved punch in the face before I really regretted doing what I did. At the time, the lower of my two brains was doing all the thinking, and all he was thinking is "hot. naked. chick." There's nothing unnatural about being horny and seeing a hot girl who's interested in you and being flattered and turned on and all that jazz... but when she's off limits, she's gotta be off limits. Think of her like a crazy sister who's all hopped up on meth. Ok, maybe I went too far.

The more I think about it the more I realize that's what my exact problem is. I konw I'm being a complete dick to my friend here, and considering I lost my former best friend in a car accident a few months back, I really don't want to lose this one over a girl. I'm just too damned horny to see how utterly moronic what I'm doing is.

I just need to put my foot down and tell myself that she isn't mine.

[amonkie]

Originally Posted by Marrek

I just need to put my foot down and tell myself that she isn't mine.

The easiest ay to do that is to tell him - and he'll convince you.

[Jim Kata]

Originally Posted by StephenSa

Hey, let it progress. Maybe you'll eventually get laid. You'll then start to feel awkward around your friend. She won't fool around with you anymore but WILL eventually tell your friend and he'll drop you like a bad habit because you betrayed him showing a complete lack of honor. She then won't have anything to do with you because the excitement is gone. You'll be alone. Problem solved.

AMEN!

If I were you, I would either stop hanging out with your "friend" when she is around or I would probably tell him, because he needs to know what kind of a bitch she is. I wouldn't try talking to her about it, because who knows how she will react. She may be like "Marrek made a move on me." to her boyfriend and then you will look like more of an asshole than you really are (cause you are being one).

[NoSoup]

In regards to my earlier post - I hated to sound so harsh, and I think it would be a different situation if you weren't his friend, not to mention "Best" friend, but since you know her boyfriend, it is a definate no-no.

Had it just been some random girl with a boyfriend, the responsiblity still falls on her not to cheat - not that I am in any way, shape, or form condoning helping someone cheat - but it would be a lot less severe than the situation you are currently in.

In your original post, you said that she and Nathan had a strong relationship, which obviously is not the case.

I would talk to Nathan and come clean - he needs to know what a bitch his girlfriend is and what an ass you were being. I would hope though, if you guys really are good friends, that you could explain the situation to him and you two could work through it and still remain friends. Either way though - if you were his friend, you would tell him if you knew his girlfriend is cheating on him - with you or another guy.

[bookerV]

If I were Nathan I would drop you like a bad habit, after giving you a well deserved beating. No real friend would do that to his friends. I would never EVER touch a girl my friends were with, no matter how much I liked her. I have no respect at all for your situation. You put yourself there with your actions.

The only respectable thing you can do at this point is to tell him what has been going on, so that he can get rid of her, and maybe, just maybe after a while you two can salvage your friendship.

[Marrek]

No you didn't sound harsh NoSoup, don't worry. I was expecting numerous replies along the same lines of yours.

I'm probably going to end up talking to her about it before him. I'm going to ask her exactly how she feels about messing around with me, and her feelings towards Nathan and I both. After that I will certainly be explaining myself and my actions to him.

Losing him as a friend isn't something I want to do, but considering what I've been doing to him I can certainly see it happening. I don't want those to be the consequences of my actions, but I'm afraid that's what is going to happen.

I'm honestly more concerned about how he'll deal with the news of her doing it though. His last relationship ended pretty badly, due to the girl being the biggest liar I've ever witnessed (worse than Bush! /duck). About a week ago I stumbled upon a blog he writes in and came to find out (AFTER Jessica and I started messing around, mind you, I can't stress that enough) that this relationship means the world to him, and he's, quote "Not sure what kind of action I would take upon myself if this relationship ended up being a waste of my time." I've talked him through a suicide attempt before, and I honestly fear that he'd do it if I came clean to him about this. Obviously if I had known any of that before hand I wouldn't have even dreamed of messing around with her.

[NoSoup]

Hmm... I'm not so sure I would discuss it with her first.

The reason I say this is because as far as I see, nothing good can come from it. Let's say she likes you more than she likes Nathan. Then you get the girl, and your former friend will hate you for the rest of eternity. Another option is that she likes you but you flat out refuse to date her for Nathan's sake. In that case, you will harbor resentment for Nathan, even though he has done nothing wrong in this situation.

If you talk to her and tell her you are going to tell Nathan - or if she feels you might - she might try to give the story her own spin, and there is no telling what she might say. It may or may not be the truth, but if your mate is going to find out that you have been messing around with his girlfriend, it's best it comes from you.

As far as the girl goes, obviously she's a bitch. If she's willing to cheat on your best friend, what makes you think that she wouldn't cheat on you? Why would you want to date her - from your post, it doesn't seem like she has that many wonderful qualities nor morals....

Then again, we didn't much delve into what she's like, it just seems to me that a woman that cheats on her boyfriend with his best friend, in her boyfriends house, repeatedly... even when their relationship is "strong" and he is trying to fix any issues she may have had with him... wouldn't be a good gal to date.

[Ramallah]

Originally Posted by NoSoup

As far as the girl goes, obviously she's a bitch. If she's willing to cheat on your best friend, what makes you think that she wouldn't cheat on you? Why would you want to date her - from your post, it doesn't seem like she has that many wonderful qualities nor morals....

Then again, we didn't much delve into what she's like, it just seems to me that a woman that cheats on her boyfriend with his best friend, in her boyfriends house, repeatedly... even when their relationship is "strong" and he is trying to fix any issues she may have had with him... wouldn't be a good gal to date.

Exactly. Who cares if she's interested in you; she's not girlfriend material. Now, if they broke up and she wanted to fool around with no relationship, that could be a different story... but a best friend is more important than a piece of ass. Bros before hoes.

[avhg1]

Can't believe you would even begin to call yourself a friend! Any feeling up should have been stopped immediately. If you were a friend you wound tell him about what his girl is doing. You are running the risk of him kicking both of you to the curb. Honestly, you both deserve it!

[mikey4fingaz]

Sorry to be corny but like almost everyone else said dont do it man.
Bros before hoes(not ment to offend any ladies out there)....

[sapiens]

Originally Posted by avhg1

Can't believe you would even begin to call yourself a friend! Any feeling up should have been stopped immediately. If you were a friend you wound tell him about what his girl is doing. You are running the risk of him kicking both of you to the curb. Honestly, you both deserve it!

I agree except that it isn't just "what his girl is doing". It is also what Marrek is doing. This guy is one of your "best friends"? How do you treat your enemies?

[analog]

Stop everything, come clean to your friend (don't tell the girl anything) and hope he doesn't beat the fuck out of you (I would, no offense). Hope to save your friendship, which has now changed pretty much permanently.

[pig]

I was in something like this when I was about 19...hooked up with my best friend's girlfriend one night when we were all drunk. Didn't tell him about it for a long time, and felt so guilty afterwards that I had trouble being around him/them for about six years. Now they're married, and we're all really good friends. That said.

I got lucky. I had a friend who was a much better friend to me than I was to him, and it still blows my mind. I can guarantee you - it is not worth it. I would suggest telling your friend about it, and letting the ball be in his court. If you don't, it will just be super awkward for a long, long, long time between all of y'all. Trust me. And at some point, he'll start to pick up it.

I don't know what to tell you about his suicidal tendencies. You might want to ensure that someone can be around for him, in the event that he might not feel like hanging out with you for a while...

[1010011010]

I have no sympathy for any of the players involved.

Tell Nathan. Don't tell the girl. Let things work themselves out as they may.

Or ask them how they feel about a threesome... with two guys.

[ShaniFaye]

Cant add much more than what the others have said....but damn....she's gonna end up getting mad at him and SHES gonna tell him.....I think you've screwed yourself out of a friendship....

[pants]

Merrek man...run like hell outta there man...quit school if you have to.......she sounds to me as one 'bitch' hell bent on bringing chaos to your life and relationship.
Yeh you are so right..steer clear of your best friends Ex's man...These are NO GO areas for us guys...
what are you man..a knobhead or what...there are 'Millions'...no no...'Zillions' of women out there that you can choose from..but NO you wanna be a dickhead and go for this bitch
Man you need medical help....Take it now from us..its free, think of us as your virtual pals...Keep Clear from her...otherwise you are gonna regret it, Whatever happens there are gonna be 3 fucked up people at the end of all of this...whatever happens !!!

[william]

I don't understand the conundrum. You want to fool around with your best-friends (?) girl? Boil it down for yourself - is he your bestfriend, or do you want her? You've already gone too far in my book. You call yourself a "bestfriend"? Get the fuck out of here. Do all three of you honest, and tell him what's been going on. Sure, he'll probably get pissed, but she'll be yours to have. By the wayside - what she did to him (or still does) she'll do to you.

[Ishmal]

well i've neva heard the expression "bros before hoes" ... but me and my mates have discussed often that friends are forever and chicks come and go... i reckon if your friendship is strong you and nathan will pull through... after he drops Jessica.



Whats The Hardest Ship To Sink??

Freindship!



sounds silly i know... ... ... but its true.

[*Nikki*]

Hmmm. I have been that girl before. That girls wants all the boys in the room to want her. Odviously it is working.

Don't think your special because I assure you she does this to more then just you.

[Suave]

I suggest you either break it off with her, or break off your friendship with your friend (whichever is more important to you). However, it is your call, and you should go with whatever you feel is the best thing to do. Just because strangers think you're an asshole doesn't mean you personally would feel better doing either thing, and it all comes down to how you feel about it, whether we like it or not.

By the way, I thought we were supposed to refrain from personal attacks. Especially in a sensitive forum like sexuality.

[MSD]

Come clean to your friend, get him away from her, if you don't have the balls to just admit that you've been messing around with his girl, then you can go teh ball-less way and hide behind the "I was high at the time," excuse. If he's been suicidal before, you need to mvoe slowly and not overwhelm him. Right now, it sounds llike he can relapse into suicidal depression if things don't go well, and if you're any kind of friend you'll focus on that before anything else. It's better to risk losing him as a friend by coming clean and talking than to risk him finding out suddenly and snapping, possibly hurting others along with himself.

Basically, you can't hide from the fact that you fucked up, and you need to do everything you can to set things right again.

[Ananas]

Sit down and ask yourself (and answer honestly) just how would you feel if the roles were reversed, and it was your girl and Nathan who were playing footsie behind your back?

Feels like shit, doesn't it?

Please stop trying to justify or explain your backstabbing and betraying a friend with your actions because they are despicable in any light.

Do the right thing for yourself and for your friend.

[Samalie]

I have to agree. You're being the asshole, and it needs to stop. Or at least you need to come clean

[macmanmike6100]

bail, bail, bail. if nathan's really your friend, come clean with him and hope for the best. although if i were nathan, i'd choose to be done with you *and* her, so you might get her after all.

in the future, seriously think about what you're doing. i'm sure you could get much more action without going behind a friend's back.

good luck, and do let us know how it goes.

[Marrek]

My judgement in the whole situation was seriously clouded by my lack of any sexual action lately. I was horny/desperate enough for attention that I'd accept it from a friend's girlfriend. Reading these replies and talking to some other people about it has seriously changed my views about all this.

For some reason I thought I could find a way to justify what I was doing, but it's pretty obvious that I'm a moron for thinking that. I'm going to come clean to him later today, as he asked me to join him on an hourish long road trip for work he has to do. I just pray he doesn't get pissed and leave me there....

[Zeraph]

Youre not a moron or an asshole, you changed your ways. Now if you kept doing it..

[NoSoup]

Originally Posted by Marrek

My judgement in the whole situation was seriously clouded by my lack of any sexual action lately. I was horny/desperate enough for attention that I'd accept it from a friend's girlfriend. Reading these replies and talking to some other people about it has seriously changed my views about all this.

For some reason I thought I could find a way to justify what I was doing, but it's pretty obvious that I'm a moron for thinking that. I'm going to come clean to him later today, as he asked me to join him on an hourish long road trip for work he has to do. I just pray he doesn't get pissed and leave me there....

Good decision - keep us updated!

(you may want to tell him on the way back)