My wife cheats on me...
 

So my wife's been cheating on me ever since we've been married. We've been married almost 2 years now. I've always been suspicious that she's been hooking up with other men, but have wanted to ignore this in some way I guess.

We have one of those circumstantional marriages where we hooked up, had a lot of sex, got pregnant within 3 months of being with each other. Having a child was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and I both were heavy partiers, liked to drink, smoke, and "eat" whatever. When we found out we were about to be parents, our life turned upside down, of course. I immediately cleaned up, finished school, got my college degree, and started a career to provide for my family. Life was good for a time. We got married a year after our son was born and, I thought, we were both comfortable. Turns out that wasn't the case.

Just 3-4 months ago, a year and a half into our marriage, I find out she's been sleeping with other men. The only reason I even found out is because a friend of hers confronted her while we were out one nite and her friend was pissed at her because my wife made out with her brother. My wife's friend was yelling loud enough for me to hear so my wife had no choice but to come clean with me. My wife tried to downplay as much of it as possible and I truly wanted to believe her at the time. I've been as calm and coolheaded as can be with what I was finding out but it was getting worse by the week. I had soon come to find out she had slept with a friend of mine who had gotten a divorce from his wife right before my wife and I were married. This so-called friend was there when my child was born and was always a good friend to my wife and I. My wife and he were always hanging out and she was staying out late and with him often. She finally told me she had sex with him. I practically had to manipulate her into telling me whom she's hooked up with just for my piece of mind because I wanted to give her every chance to come clean with me to see if we can start over. The story goes on and she's continued to stay out late many nites and I'm absolutely paranoid she's hooking up with more men.

At the initial time of me finding out she was with other men, I gave her an ultimatum, either we get a divorce, or she seek counseling. She continues to claim she loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, though she cannot help herself hooking up with other men. It's an addiction she has, and I want to help her though it by seeking professional help. She's been seeing a counselor for a couple months now, but not much change. There's a new man in her life that she hangs out with and always swore that she wasn't hooking up with him. Of cousre, I played the fool and was wanting to trust her as much as possible, but it turns out she was hooking up with him too. I found out about this one because the guy sent her an e-mail with a pic attached of my wife and him kissing!!! I happened to be sitting next to her when she checked her e-mail.....it was one of the most painful things I have ever seen.

We are now at the point where we are living in the same house but taking a "break". She still claims she wants to make the marriage work and I can't help but respect that. I care deeply for my child and want him to have a mother and father around. The sad thing about all this is my wife and I get along great, we hardly ever fight, in fact we never had a fight until I found out she was cheating on me, and even then, we just discussed what was happening, it was barely a fight. I am at the point where I do want to divorce her, in fact, I'd prefer to get an annulment considering she's been cheating and lying to me the whole marriage. I feel as if my life has fallen apart and I really don't know what to do, deep down I want to make it work but I don't know that I ever want to be with my wife again, physically and emotionally. I'm so absolutely confused at the fact the she still claims to love me dearly and wants to be with me.

Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and thanks in advance if you read through this whole story, though I feel as if this is really half of the story, it's just a start.

Man, that sucks. I haven't been in your shoes but I'd leave her. Your child will be better off with 2 parents who live apart than growing up in a home where his mother is with different men and his father isn't happy. And if you're going to split it's better to do it when the child is young. Absolutely do not wait until the child is old enough to be really self aware and can imagine that your splitting would be his fault. And never ever talk bad about your wife in front of him in the future. That accomplishes nothing. I know people who've stayed together "for the kids' sake" and it didn't work out at all. Everyone was miserable. I wish you the best of luck.

This is awful. Just awful. The crux of this is that she is treating you like shit. She is riding rough-shod over your feelings for her to satisfy this 'addiction'. Even if that's true, and it is a genuine problem she has (which I somehow doubt), it really doesn't look like she's very interested in solving it. If she feels guilty about it when you find out, why doesn't she feel guilty about it when she's doing it?

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what she says about wanting to make it work out, wanting to stay with you. Judge her by her actions. What do they tell you? I'm outside the situation, but this is how I see it. If she really loved you, she wouldn't be opening her legs for every dude who happens to roam past. Bottom line.

Surely she knows how much this cuts you up? I would be devastated in your shoes, I know that much. So why would she keep doing it if she cared about you? It doesn't matter what she says, it's what she does that counts.

If I were you, I'd snatch up your kid and bail. Tell her she needs to get her fidelity issues handled before you'll let the kid spend time with her. The last thing he needs is a series of 'uncles'.

First off, sorry to hear about this. It's a terrible thing to go through.

I can't for the life of me imagine staying with someone who cheated on me. I had a girlfriend of four years I thought was cheating on me & finally found out through a friend it was true. At that point I called off the whole thing, & have never spoken to her again. Lots of yelling & screaming during that whole episode, but aside from that we got along great. My wife had basically the same thing happen to her with an old boyfriend. We have an understanding...if you want to cheat, no problem. Pack your bags as soon as you get home. No ifs, ands, or buts...I watch folks on the Dr Phil show & hear these guys & gals considering sticking around with cheating mates and shake my head. Maybe I was raised differently, but if you're going elsewhere for sex, how can you have a happy marriage?

I'm no shrink & probably have no place to give advice on the subject, other than the fact that I've been there & done that (I guess been there, got it done to me would be more applicable). The bit about your wife being addicted to cheating is BS as far as I'm concerned.

I say get the divorce, no amount of counseling will change things. You'll always have memories of her cheating, every time you're alone together it will be on your mind. Find someone else, your children will be happier with two happy parents rather than one miserable one. You can try & hide it, but as they get older they'll know. You've got a tough road to go down, but time does heal all wounds...good luck to you, you have a tough decision.

GET CUSTODY OF THE CHILD!

My condolances. Honestly if you've given her an ultimatum then you need stand by it. Otherwise it was no good. You do need to get angry about this too. I don't mean just lash out but show her that it hurts you by yelling or doing something out of character. If you just react by simple conversation then there's nothing for her to fear. Not that she should fear you but she should fear cheating on you for some reason. Making you angry, alienating you, hurting you, or you filing for divorce. No matter what this action of her's, whether she's addicted or not, says that she doesn't love you as much as she should. Your reaction of not wanting to be with her sexually is normal and good for you. Investing sexually in your relationship when she's daily betraying you would not be healthy for you.

Do you have any concrete evidence or any witnesses who would testify that she's been cheating on you? As the man it can be sometimes difficult to gain the custody of the child if you have no evidence of the other person being untrustworthy. I'm guessing you would want the custody of your child. If you collect some evidence that you can use in the divorce proceedings to preserve your custody of the child then you will be better off and so will your child. I personally think it would be harmful for you to allow your child to be exposed to her lifestyle.

I and my hubby are swingers, meaning we meet other couples to play sexually. We do this in an open atmosphere where there is a lot of communication and trust. We do not betray one another and if either one of us is uncomfortable with anything that happens we listen to them and stop what is happening or whatever we are doing immediately. Your wife's behavior is deceitful, even though she's come clean. It is hurting you and she knows it yet continues. That is selfish of her and wrong.

Please don't tolerate it any longer. You need to get to a lawyer soon, give them evidence of the affairs, get custody of the child, and get her out of the house. IF she can prove to you that even while you are apart she can learn restraint then go ahead get back together IF you feel comfortable with it. If she hasn't spent SOME time apart from you and away from other men the whole time then don't trust her. Not just for your sake but for your child's. If she's out late often then I'm guessing you are being the parent. She's not being a responsible, loving parent then.

This is hard, painful, and scary but you can get through it. You have my prayers, and thoughts. Good Luck.

As a lawyer, listen to me when I say this: Hire the toughest domestic lawyer in town and put in to place a game plan by which you can get custody of the child. Your kid will be completely screwed up if he or she is raised by this self-absorbed and reckless individual. They will also have real issues re. how you treat members of the opposite sex and otherwise handle relationships. Do not hire a nice or cerebral attorney. Get someone who is known as a TOUGH lawyer. The best way to find a good lawyer is to ask attorneys who do not practice in the area of domestic relations for a referral. Not to stereotype, but I've found that most of the tough and mean domestic lawyers are women. Good luck.

Nothing new to add, get a lawer take the kid and get out. As it stainds she has it all a good man taking care of the home and all the play she wants. She has to know that it is one or the other as long as you are there she has it all.

My heart hurts after reading this.

I feel so badly for you, and wish there were some words of consolation I could offer. I don't know that I can offer up much, except for you to keep your chin up - it won't kill you - and your friends will rally around you to support you, this online community included. I have been where you are, a similar situation. I chose to remain in the relationship and know that I am loved, but living with the low grade suspicion that surfaces and the occassional twinge of pain when memories come back. Somedays it sucks.

While some couples come back from things like this, your situation seems a bit more extreme. You have to think about how much more you are willing to put yourself, and YOUR CHILD through. And always plan for the worst. Consult an attorney. Make the necessary steps to do what is best for the baby. Soemtimes that is completely different from what we think we want.

Just find a hot chickie to hook up with and make sure there's someone there to take a picture to send back to your wife...

(A good idea in theory, but maybe not a good idea for the divorce trial)

Wow, that unbelieveably sucks. If you're thinking about the divorce, make sure you arm yourself appropriately with knowledge and lawyers. Try http://www.divorcenet.com to find out the particulars about your state. And find a good support group of friends and family. They'll help you keep your sanity when things start getting ugly.

Good luck.

First step is to get rid of all the people that you know she was fucking. Tell them to get the fuck out of your life and never come back. Friends don't fuck their friend's wife behind their backs.

After that, get a lawyer and wage war. Once the dust settles, you'll have full custody and she'll be paying you child support. Then you can start your revenge by fucking all of her friends.

Honestly, I don't think this should even be a question. If she's addicted to hooking up with other guys, I don't see how you could be happy in a relationship with her. If I were you, I'd leave her; but I know it's easy for me to say that when I'm not actually in your situation.

Thanks everyone so far for the words of encouragment and vengeance. Deep down, I still want to make this marriage work, but don't want to chance another situation of feeling f*ed over. I want her to be as much a part of our child's life as I am.

My wife and I just had a talk and I actually told her I confided to you all the story of our marriage so far on this forum. I almost want her to see this, but is that wrong, or do you all think it would help?? I feel as if I've explained my perspective of what I'm feeling to her over and over, and would like for her to see other peoples perspective of what has happened. Please advise any thoughts on this matter.

The only thing I can say is that I understand your situation and I don't think that you want for yourself to resolve this situation, you want to resolve this for your kid. Its a great parental instinct to have but for some situations it just doesn't work. It seems like you grew up and accepted the responsibility of being a parent and an adult and your wife isn't coming to that understanding. Its been my experience, having been cheated on numerous times that once you give them that assurance that its okay even after they've cheated once they know you're not going to have the gall to stand up for yourself and stop this from happening. As others have said you need to take the kid, but not for revenge, revenge shouldn't ever cross your mind. your wife doesn't seem to have her priorities in line, you seem to have known for a long time that your kid is #1 priority while hers is the big O. Sorry to hear this has happened to you, hopefully someone's advice is helpful for you.

This gave me a chuckle. I'm sorry I read it under these circumstances, but still... :thumbsup:

I don't see how that would hurt. Maybe if she sees that many others are on your side it'll help her to realize that what she's doing to you is wrong? Just a thought.

Wow. every day i seem to lose more and more faith in people. that's really horrible, i wish i could say i've been there, but i havn't... not exactly anyway.

i agree with coppertop and bcd though - separate before your kids get dragged into it.

i HAVE had experiences with being cheated on though (just a girlfriend though, i suppose a spouse is significantly worse more than i can imagine) and no matter how many chances you give someone - they don't change. i'm sorry man

If you really really want to try to work through this, there MUST be a change in heart, a change in HER heart. If she loves you, and loves your kid, then maybe there is hope. I would suggest finding a very good marriage/family therpy person to talk to. It will take a very very long time for you to regain your trust in her, but if this is what you want, you should try it.

She will have to change for this to work.


For what it is worth to you, my prayers will go out to you.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. But I agree with what people have said: for the child's sake, separate and get custody. No child deserves to be brought up by someone with little respect for their spouse. That is just not an appropriate learning and living environment. Kids have it hard enough as it is....dysfunctional parents will just make it tougher on them. It is better to be removed from an unhealthy environment than to try to endure it.

that a really tough spot to be in - i know, i've been there (or near there at least :).

i don't have much to offer over what others already have, other than my sympathy and well wishes.

in my case, i tried to work it out for a long time but in the end it was no good. i was never able to really trust her, and she was never able to stop cheating. in retrospect, i wish i would have cut my losses a lot sooner.

good luck.

If you want your child to be raised with a mother and a father you had better start looking for the mother. She's not it. Sorry man, sounds like its not going to be pleasant for you.

Ditch the wife and seek sole custody of the kid, my friend... that's your best bet.

When I was reading the first post I was thinking there might be a "I found rust on my car, should I fix it myself" line at the end, and I'm not sure whether I'd be relieved to see that this is all a joke or if I'd be horrified that someone would go to such great lengths for a prank.

That said, Mzm, everyone at the TFP is behind you on this. I'm going to try not to repeat what others have said since it's all fantastic advice.

I think you can show this thread to your wife if you want but in my opinion I don't see what would come out of it. I think she would just do a 180 degree turn and promise to never be unfaithful again, and she would make all the promises all over again, and again, and again. I have very few problems with the 'Once a cheat, always a cheater' claim, but I have to say that I don't believe there are any exceptions to the 'So-far-always a cheater, always a cheater' claim (even though I obviously just made that up!).

What I'm saying is that she is too far gone, and has given you absolutely no reason to trust that her promises will ring true in the future. People make mistakes and should be forgiven, but when it's consistent it turns from a mistake to a problem, and in this case an addiction, or a lack of morality, self-control, respect for you and herself and her child, a lack of decency.

She's got absolutely nothing going for her, you've got self-dignity and respect, a solid foudnation of fairness and forgiveness it seems, but most of all you've got a child to look out for. At this stage you're wanting what's best for your little son, and even though he's not supposed to be here, I'll bet that you love him with all your heart because he's your son! Do what's best for him, and that is to break it off with your wife and give him a stable home.

I'm no lawyer but from what people are saying here you are going to have absolutely no problems winning this battle. Take charge of it, don't give her a new ultimatum, just stand by your old one.

No prank Rlyss, it's the story of my current life. I can honestly say I've had worse things happen and that's why I've tolerated this for so long. I can only hope at this point I can explain to her what is about to happen and hope she gets better for her son or she may not be seeing him too often. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I want to do is deprive her of seeing her son. If anything, I want joint custody but to have primary custody of him. I can't say she's a bad mother, she's not, she's a good mother to him, but the 'lifestyle' just doesn't fit. I'm going to attempt to get the divorce without a lawyer, honestly thinking she may agree with all my demands. Probably easier said then done, and many of you may disagree with this, but I would like to try.

Sad story. Sounds like she has issues she needs to work out. Good luck and try to protect your kids as much as possible.

I'm going to repeat what's already been said because it's so important. Go and see a lawyer! Just speak to one, even if you want to give the relationship another go. Get the lawyer's advice so you can be sure (as sure as you can be) that if the relationship doesn't work out, you get custody of the kid! Even if you want her to be in your kid's life, if you have full custody you have the control over how much she sees her.

Good luck to ya mate.. I really hope everything works out.

Horrible news, sir. My advice is this:

Get a good lawyer, custody of the child and your ass out of there.

She is only hurting you, not to mention the role model she is for your child (children?).

Fortunam Bonam!

I'm a little drunk so I can't bear to finish reading your story. She doesn't respect you as a man, as a husband. Leave her. Your marriage was a sham to start with. She never wanted it. I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you can learn to live on. You're life is not hers.

Agree with Whoot? Get the hell out of there, and focus on the kid. Your lot in life now is being a great Dad. I have a 20 year old whom I made #1 in my life 18 years ago, and I can tell you that that was the best decision I have every made in my life.

Get the hell out of there, and be a real Dad. Get a girl who likes your kid, and loves you.

You MUST think of your child FIRST. Your wife's behavior is extremely bad for your kid. Your wife probably grew up in a very chaotic situation. Your child will be like your wife without some kind of intervention. You need to get your child away from her until she can get herself under control. Her addiction is as serious and just as destructive to relationships as alcoholism.

How many guys has she had sex with since you got married? It sounds like she's a real sex addict. Ask her to go to Sexaholics Anonymous.

Ditto. You both deserve so much better... You do.

Why is it that you want to do this without a lawyer?? You can get a mediating Lawyer - meaning that they don't exactly take one side or the other. They just advise both and do the paperwork. No matter what a divorce usually takes aroun 3-6 month's minimum to complete. There's a lot of filing with the state and paperwork that has to be done. A lawyer will take care of that. I'm not sure what the "going" retainer is for a divorce lawyer but you can find them. There are some who will do this "pro-bono" and are listed with the state as doing this kind of thing. If money is the issue ask your local Social Services Department if they can hook you up with the listing of Pro-bono Lawyers who will deal with this. You have to qualify sometimes by income or by situation but you but in an application and they'll make the offer to help you. Now if you're trying to stay away from making this situation get ugly - I suggest a lawyer would keep things more civil. She is showing a lack of respect for you and a disregard for consequences. You need to get your case together, see a lawyer, and FILE before you let her know what's going on. I would be afraid of her running with one of her lovers and YOUR kid. If she leaves to another state with your kid it could be nigh impossible to get the kid back even if you are given legal custody. Can you imagine how ugly that would get? I know I'm thinking in terms of the worst case scenerio but in this situation I think you need to. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Filing for divorce without a lawyer is NOT being prepared for the worst. If you don't get a lawyer she could manipulate things and make promises and you might miss getting it ALL in writing. Then it could be impossible to hold her to her word. Also once she gets custody of the kid it will be almost impossible for you to get the kid back. You need your evidence NOW. I'm not saying that you should be vengeful or bitter. You simply need to be armed just in case she gets vengeful or dirty. Don't underestimate her. Please, please don't do this without a lawyer.

If you can't pay the retainer for one now then borrow the money from a friend, or start stashing away some mad money. Not in a savings account because that's marital property if created after marriage and she can swipe it. Put it in a well hidden place or at your parents house or someone you could trust with your life (let alone trust not to cheat with your wife). Save up until you got what you need and stay quiet about it until you get your lawyer and file for custody AND divorce at the same time.

I'm so sorry to hear this happen to you. I admire your lack of bitterness or vengefulness. It is a good role model for your child. Just be careful not to model being a doormat. ;) I have the tendency to do this myself so I understand the mentality. Take care and I wish the best for you and your child.

I'd be banging my head up against a thick wall.
I would agree about getting your kid into your custody, as soon as possible. When my parents divorced I was still young and luckily had minimal questions/feelings towards it. I can imagine it being alot tougher for people who were older than I. Like a few people have mentioned here, concentrate on your daughter, shes what your life is about. While your at it, Get out a bit and relax. The next couple of months are going to be rough.
Good Luck, we're all here for you.

I just had a 4 year relationship end with my fiance. I helped pay her way through school, was up at 4am helping her with her college schoolwork, went through a ton of hard problems cleanly over the years... Now she is out and working full time and migrated into acting as a fun hobby. While I work my ass off making 4 times her income to provide for a good life for the two of us and travelling for work, she turned out to be dating a cast member from a play of hers. Upon my return she wanted a break. After a few weeks of daily conversations to figure out the true story, I find out it wasn't a "break" but a death to our relationship. Looking back at our time together, I just feel used. Now I've told her I am glad we weren't married with kids and 5 years from now, divorced.

Look to the future and like it's been said, focus on your daughter and your future. Appreciate the good times and realize all those moments that justify this decision to move forward.

Unfortunately for me, I love my ex enough to worry about her future and her existence that I showed her how to open a checking account, pay rent, buy groceries, budget her money and move on with her life. I advise her on her dealings with work, with people and with her new man. And she still lives with me ("rent"goes to me and barely covers the food she eats) since she has nowhere else to go. Don't get trapped like me. ;)

Good luck.

That's a bad situation to be in. It looks like she's playing you though. As a relatively impartial outsider, I say get a divorce now. Don't consult her about it, except when you're giving her the papers to sign. It seems that you're more than willing to be taken in by what she says, and that's not healthy for you. Whether she genuinely wants things to change or not, it's pretty obvious that they're not going to.

Respect the fact that she's manipulating you? That's what she's doing when she says that.
I hate to say it, but she's lying.
There is no love in that relationship no matter how you slice it. If she truly loved you, she would stop. She is making a CONSCIOUS choice to sleep, and flirt with other men. Do not fall into a trap.

It's painful, I can imagine. But if you want to keep your sanity, you need to kick her to the curb.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I really feel for you Mzm, and I really want to reiterate what a lot of people are saying here now, and that is don't consult your wife on anything from now on. It's easy to say that we don't really know what's going on, and that she feels this way or that way, but you really, really need to look out for your son in all of this, whether you like it or not, and whether he was an unwelcome surprise or not. He's the one you should be thinking about and like someone else said, a single happy parents is MUCH better than two unhappy parents. Please don't think for a second that two unhappy parents are better than you alone. Now is the time to act.

Don't ask what she thinks from now on, just get <b>your</b> money together, consult a lawyer and provide a happy life from here on with your son. Your wife is history, you should not, should not, should not take her feelings into consideration any more.

1. Get your money in order.
2. Consult a lawyer.
3. Provide a happy and healthy life for you and your son.

In my opinion, You need to get out of the relationship. There is little hope of changing her, and even if you did.....the trust is gone. I would , at this time, consider what is best for your son in the long run. You are in an extremely unhealthy relationship, which is , unfortunately, only going to get worse.

It is Time to take care of #1......Your Son.

This is just wrong -- you should kick her out immediately. She is using you.

I agree. How screwed up can this be: she lives off you while she's screwing the guy she had an affair with while you were traveling and working to pay for her lifestyle? So does the rat come over to you place and f__ her while you're away? (I assume you still travel.)

Hey, count yourself lucky: thank God you weren't married, especially with kids.

What does her actor man get? He gets a woman who cheats on her man. Plain and simple. They deserve each other.

Anyway, I think affairs start when a couple isn't in touch with each other. Sounds like you two weren't keeping up with each other, and actor boy comes along to fill a need she thought you weren't.

Most likely a-b will be a transitional lover, the classic "exit affair." She'll boot him, sit around, then get some long term guy to marry her.

Boot her out, go get individuall counseling to see how to do it better next time, and then start to get into activities that will connect you with people (including women) who do the same things you like to do.

If you meet a woman at a bar, you get a woman who meets men in bars. Go to church, meet a woman there, then that's what you get.

What are the personal activities that you like doing, that would produce contacts with women who like to do the things you like?

Good luck!

Dude, what is happening to you now is what was happening to me up until about a year ago. Lots of parallels. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for about a half year when I broke up with her because she was giving me indications she was the wandering type. We got back together about a week later. Found out later that right before we broke up she was pregnant. So, we did what we thought was the right thing and got married several months later... not only becasue of the baby, but we loved each other.

Oh, she had a son from a previous relationship, so in addition to our daughter I also found myself responsible for a new stepson.

Things were really good for a while, but she started to totally shirk all her parental responsibilities... like she didn't want to accept growing up (she was barely 19 when we met). She ended up going out nearly every night, leaving me with the kids, not to mention I had to go to bed before she came home every night becasue I had a morning job. She had no job, I'd come home from work and the house would be a mess anyway.

Okay, I digress, this is to respond to your post, not rehash my old problems. Long story short... she cheated on me I don't know how many times... nothing she has admitted, but I found evidence to support it, without a doubt.

We ended up splitting up, and she had no qualms about me taking custody of our daughter. My stepson is currently living at his real dad's home. My ex and I get along great, as you guys do, no fights really, intense discussions more like it.

She has mentioned to me that she would like to get back together, but I am not going to. It hurts a lot, because I still love her, and it sometimes feels like I'll never be able to find anyone who could replace her (I really thought the marriage would last forever when it started, how naive). However, dignity and self-respect to me are important things to me. I really doubt she could change... most people I think cannot change in such a drastic manner when their adverse behavior is so very much integrated into themselves. If I got back with her, I would bet $ that things would be good for a while, then the same things would happen again.

As far as revenge... I am angry that she split the family apart (divorce was my decision, but a result of her behavior), but I think the best revenge will be to simply live my life as best as I can, so as time goes by she will see what she has lost due to her selfishness.

Good luck. Things are difficult initially, but will get easier.

anleja, thanks for sharing about your situation. Focus on the baby. You know, since she had one from before, the kids are one half siblings. Are you making the effort to get them together? You'd be such a prince for them if you did.

I'm truly sorry for you. One of the likely outcomes of being a partier is that you wind up with another partier for a spouse, and then stuff like this follows.

I'm much more sorry for your child.

The stereotype that men can't make commitment, and that women just want to tie a man down is laughable in view of this poor man's dilema. This wife is unable to deal with commitment.

Odds are that the woman will get full custody of the child, and then poor sap will pay about 1/3 of his income in child support from now until the kid is 18 or more. Our society is sexist, but in family matters, it is very much in favor of the women/mothers. So the guy who impregnates a bad woman not only gets laid, he most sincerely get screwed as well. And the poor children are the biggest loosers of the deal.

If you feel that you love her, you'll have to accept that she isn't capable of commitment or faithfulness. You set the conditions you'll be agreeable to and stand by them no matter what she does. Something like: I'll be here, and take care of our child. You can be here with us, or go party. But you can't come home drunk. You can't treat our child as someone who you can drop off when you want some free time. And so forth. Then stick to it.

Such structure, and knowing that you know she's failing to meet your needs, or your child's needs, but that you're rising above that and meeting your child's needs without her, may help her reflect on what she fears from acting grown up, and help her to grow up, or straighten up.

And since she's being such a little girl, emotionally, you might consider treating her like a little girl, and telling her that each time she stays out late, either partying or playing around, she will have to submit to a spanking when she gets back home. Putting her ass over your lap and paddling it will likely help her feel repented of her sins, and may help her feel sorry for what she's done wrong. And it may help you act out your anger and frustration in a somewhat socially acceptable way. Knowing she deserves a good spanking will help you feel right about administering it. And putting her into that bare bottom up position and then holding her there while you redden her cheeks and watch them bounce when smacked, may help you forgive enough to want her sexually again. And I get right turned on just thinking about spanking my lover, with her lovely ass up on my lap. A good spanking, some remorse, and some hot sex will help you transition back into a couple again after she wanders.

Mzm, do not, I repeat, do not, attempt a divorce without a lawyer. Even if you are amicable at the time of the split, time can make people change (trust me I have been there and done that). Especially when a child is involved, and you are the man. Friend of the Court is not a pro-man agency, no matter what anyone says. I attempted my divorce without a lawyer, with my wife and I agreeing that I would not pay child support (quick aside, she inherited approximately $12 million from her parents' estate, me on the other hand, I make low 6 figures). We agreed that each person would be better served having the money to provide for the kids apiece.

Great idea in theory, until I met my current wife who is 15 years younger than her. She gets pissed and calls Friend of the Court who proceeds to sue me for not only current child support but for back child support.

Now, you are probably wondering why a millionaire would get child support. Well, let's just say that she had a creative financial advisor who took all of that money and invested it in growth stocks. When she needs money, she sells something that is currently running at a loss (thus generating capital loss on the tax returns), and guess what Friend of the Court looks at when determining child support payments. Yep, tax returns. So we have mine showing earnings in the six figures, and we have hers showing net losses. End story: I pay her 15$ thousand a year in child support.

I am currently locked in combat in court to try to right this injustice. And before I have anyone here saying child support is my responsibility, try saying that with a straight face to my ex-wife, who now lives on a lake, just built an indoor pool, has two (yes 2) boats, and is on her 9th vehicle since the divorce.

Moral of the story: Get a lawyer and have them handle the divorce. Feelings change

Definitely get YOUR OWN bloodsucker... err.. lawyer. Sue for full custody so that she is the one making child support payments.

"The sad thing about all this is my wife and I get along great, we hardly ever fight, in fact we never had a fight until I found out she was cheating on me, and even then, we just discussed what was happening, it was barely a fight."

Good rule of thumb, if you NEVER fight, someone is doing something wrong.

Ditto to what Locs said. She doesn't want you to get upset and realize what is really going on. As long as she keeps you under control, she can go on with her... lifestyle... and not have to worry about you doing the right thing.

On the upside... there is the perfect person out there for everyone. After you get this all take care of, and put behind you, go find them, and enjoy life!

-BD

get a lawyer NOW...
and get EVERYTHING in writing!
EVERYTHING every little agreement you two make...including who get's the fricken sponge!
you have no idea what problems can be created from verbal agreements.

Tough break. I'm wondering what advice you, personally, would give to a woman who's been regularly and repeatedly abused by her husband... I say that because, frankly, I don't see this as any different. She's using a different method of abuse, but the net result is pretty much the same. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" and then it does... Like everyone else on the board here, I'm on your side, but I have to tell you, in the interest of "tough love" from me to you, FACE REALITY for what it really is. Stop trying to spin doctor and sugar coat the situation to YOURSELF. Follow the advice of the brutal "get a mean-ass family lawyer" suggestions. Does that mean that you HAVE to get a divorce? No. However, I'd reccomend that you ensure that her behavior is going to have consequences. At this time, there really have not been any.. a few tears, a bit of self loathing on her part, but the meal ticket and the kids are still there. She's TAKEN something from you, and with any contract, there really should be some sort of restitution, whatever that may be.

I think the more appropriate term would be Meat Market.

It does sound like you're getting a rough deal. I refrain from being so hard on your wife as we don't even know the half of your story together. It sounds like maybe she wasn't in your marriage all too seriously from the start. Maybe you grew to love her more and dedicated yourself because of your child. Perhaps you have wasted your time. Surely you have learnt a lot from this and it is a painful lesson. All I know is that no relationship is black and white and even though everyone has advised you to leave (and I imagine, in so far as I know here, that it is the right choice), don't make decisions on impulse, that's way too easy, and whatever you do, make your child feel loved. Good luck to you in what you choose, only you know what's right for you.

I agree with most of the other posts here about doing what's best for you and your son. If you still love her, before divorcing you might want to ask myself the following questions (if you haven't already):

Is it possible that this is a real addiction (like drug addiction)? If it is, is there any track record of people getting cured from this? If she did get cured, could you ever forgive her?

My initial reaction to your post is anger that someone could treat another person this way, but only you can know what is best for you. Unless you (and her) have reached the point of no return, you may want to consult a psychiatrist. Of course my gut reaction is to kick her out.

An Opinion
 

I had a boyfriend of two years that cheated on me about a month and a half into our relationship and I didn't find out about it until about year and a half later. It was probably the lowest point in my life. Drove me crazy. He lied to me about it multiple times, even when I asked him point blank. I only found out because his ex-girlfriend confessed the whole thing to me. We tried to make it work for a couple of months afterwards, but it was just impossible because there was absolutely no trust there. I was miserable after I broke up with him because I had come to love the security and comfort of the relationship. However, in the end it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I have a new boyfriend now that I love and trust pretty much completely and I'm the happiest I've ever been. While a divorce or an annulment may not seem like the best idea right now, in the long run it will be much healthier. You have to have trust in a relationship for it to work and it doesn't sound like your wife is very trustworthy. However, this is completely up to you. Eventually your kid could find out about his mother's infidelity and if so they would most likely understand why the divorce or annulment had to take place. Plus, it would be better to divorce/annul your marriage now while the kid is young and much less likely to be hurt by it.

you are a better man than I. I don't know how you've tolerated what you have. You should get out and get a lawyer. I have a quick question, based on her behaviour up to this point, are you absolutely sure that the child is yours?

Don't hate me for asking, but are you sure the child is yours? Legalize that first. Then send the legal eagles to prove she is the tramp you say she is. Both combined will give you custody, and a fight against support payments. The courts don't really play to the game that the husband always has to pay alimony. If she is the sleaze you say she is, you don't want to end up paying for someone elses child.

I was thinking that also. In the first post he says that before they were married they broke up because he thought she was sleeping around. They got back together and right afterwards she was pregnant. I'd find out for sure. She doesn't even have to know that you are having a paternity test done.

I'd do that BEFORE getting lawyers involved because that changes everything.

I've been reading all replies everyday, but I've been too depressed to comment to anyone, I apologize for that. I'm finally having a better day today.

There's no doubt the child is mine. He doesn't even look anything like my wife. My friends and co-workers call my kid "mini-me". He's almost 3 years old now and looks just like me.

I've consulted with a lawyer and explained my situation. He informed me to speak with my wife even though I'd want primary custody when we get the divorce. I've spoke to my wife and she's now scared shitless. Feels good in a way knowing she's scared because she knows she's about to lose all she has. I'm in a very diffucult position now because I still want her to be a part of my son's life just as much as I am, but there's no way she can even provide for herself, let alone her 3 year old son. I very much want to kick her out the door, but she really has no place to go. Her whole life has been an absolute mess.

I just want to get this over with, can't take the pain anymore. She's still seeing a counselour and I hope she gets better for our son's sake. I hope to have the divorce and get her out of my life by the end of the year. That's probably hoping too much considering the divorce and all the legalities that go along with it will take months.

Thanks everyone for all replies and prayers.

Mzm - I, like everyone, feel terrible for your situation. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I get the sense from your posts that you have a need to continue to play the role of parent and guardian to this adult woman, allowing her to behave like an undisciplined child. Please stop. She will not change, she will continue to see how much she can get away with in her relationship with you like a three year old does with a parent. Love your son enough for two parents, and quit being responsible for your wife and her actions.

She's got nowhere to go? She's a damn adult, people figure this stuff out every day. I know it feels good that she needs you, but your son needs you more, and this is already hurting him. He is watching you closely - show him it's ok to stand up for yourself and take control of the situation. Get it over with. It was her choice to compromise your relationship and trust, she ended the marriage then. You just have to be the one to get ink to paper. She would live off you for as long as you let her.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, voice of experience. Good luck!

Having grown up in a household where the parents stayed together for the childrens sake, I have to tell you: get out! Children are not stupid and know when their parents aren't happy. It makes their lives just as miserable as yours because they will feel it is their fault in some way. Keep us updated.

I agree with both medusa99 and chickentribs.
I have been in position to see a lot of familys with the "adult child."

There is always a suporter, a person giving money / house / food to the dead beat.
Just from hearing your story, I wouldn't be suprised if there were drugs involved.

Mzm - I agree with everyone here that you should get out, get custody of the child, and not let this woman walk all over your feelings any longer. It's obvious that you love her and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure she has very lovable qualities and there is a lot of good in her. However, she needs to grow up!

I have been in quite a few long-term relationships and want to share a little bit of my experience. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for 6 years because it was comfortable and safe, and I was afraid to break it off. I would never waste my time like that again! Mzm, do not waste your time any longer!!

One thing that happened in that relationship was that I cheated on my boyfriend with several other guys. In retrospect it would have been a lot better to break up with him rather than put him through that because he certainly knew, even though we never talked about it. I would guess that your wife likely has issues similar to mine, and she probably feels unable to stop her bahavior. Well, we are capable of a lot more than we think if we get uncomfortable enough. After years of being a cheating girlfriend (in that and other relationships) I was able to change, because I ended up hurting someone who I loved so much I couldn't stand his pain. Many people here have said that people don't change, but I am proof that they can change - however, it takes something earth-shaking to make it happen. She needs to feel the pain of what she has done, there's no way around that. Given her behavior, I would hazard a guess that there's a pretty good chance she may turn to drugs as a way of not feeling it, so the faster you ensure your child's safety the better.

I know you're concerned that she has nowhere to go, but she's capable of solving that problem for herself. She can get a job and rent a room, it's that simple. Maybe she will get motivated to develop some kind of career. Her survival is not in your hands. It sounds harsh (and it is) but you already have one child to raise - let her learn how to take care of herself.

Wow, I feel for ya man. I would get the divorce and move on, it will be hard but much better for you in the end

That totally sucks. Personally, I wouldn't have let it go on for two months, let alone two years. It's obvious that she has not intention of cleaning up her act and put forth an effort to try to make her marriage work. Her "addiction" to hocking up with guys is one pathetic fucking excuse if you ask me. She's a party girl and she always wants to be a party girl. I'd leave her ass before she brings a STD home and gives you a gift that'll keep on giving. As I'm sure you know, that'd be so much easier if you didn't have a child stuck in the middle of this whole mess. They best thing you can do is be there for your child because if I'm right, you're the responsible one, the one taking care of your child most of the time because she's busy being a party girl to care about her offspring.

File for divorce, hell, get that annulment, you have tons of proof that she's been unfaithful throughout the whole marriage. Talk to a lawyer.

Good luck to you.

Man,

I understand how you're feeling about this situation, and you obviously care for your wife quite a bit, as every post you've made continues to mention trying to work it out with HER.

You've already been given plenty of good advice, but the point I think you really, really need to understand is that, despite how you feel, you need to take a very aggressive approach in this. GET A LAWYER, DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER *NOT* GETTING A LAWYER. Despite what your wife says, her actions clearly show she does not give two shits about your feelings, and it's quite possible when she starts to realize this is real, she'll be the one taking this approach. It is very true that the woman almost always has the advantage in a divorce proceeding, so it's essential that you get a lawyer to even begin this on the right foot.

I know it's probably the hardest thing to do, but you have to get this woman out of your life and as soon as possible. Your child is #1, but don't consider letting yourself get stomped on a little more to try and maintain a mother-father relationship that does not even exist. I would seriously approach this with the mindset of getting full custody of the child and not considering visitations until substantial improvement has been made in your wife's "lifestyle".

I'm sorry if I come across as really harsh on this, but I'm an extremely firm believer that her cheating will never stop, at least in your relationship. Despite the pain and emotion, I don't believe for a minute in letting anyone affect me in this kind of way. I hope you find the strength to do the same.

Hey, i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am for you. And that you'll find another woman who will love you and only you, and will great for your child. Does your wife have any family near by? You wouldn't be putting her out on the street if she could go live with them. just a thought.

Well I would say at the very least you would have a great chance to have custody of your child, which sounds like he would be best with you. But I'm sorry her about all of your wife's cheating, it sounds like she can't admit to herself she has a serious problem.

1. Bail out. I'm sure you can be a good father without this millstone of a wife aroudn your neck.
2. Get an attorney and get the hell out of the house. Let him/her handle all of it.
3. Consult a tax attorney or CPA about any tax liability you might have come tax time.
4. Write it off as a life lesson and get away from that person.

Leave her man, there are plenty of good women out there, she has no respect for you and probably never will. shes cheating, Take the kid and sue her for support.

Hello everyone, the 'cheating' wife here, thought i'd add some of my own thoughts...
Read some of the posts, something i don't understand, because you only know his side of the story, and just what he's shared. fair? i think not. and there is always so much more to the relationship, in my opinion doesn't justify any of you in anyway to influence his thoughts. i understand he came here looking for support and needed to console in someone somehow... but as he did tell me about this, i expressed my dislike and advised him to seak professional help. He needs an unbiased opinion, someone who will help him make his own decisions and be there to just listen.
I am a very good mother and do not in anyway deserve to have my son taken from me i love my husband very much and although I have made unforgivable mistakes in our relationship, i am paying the pentalty. Yes i'm in therepy to help understand who i am and change, it is my constant goal to better myself.
The bottom line is that although we have a special bond between us, and always will, we shouldn't live together. My love for him is as the father of my child. No one can judge me or tell me how to be, there is only one true judge and that is myself.
Thanks for giving my husband advise but please keep in mind you don't know jack about us...
Us seperating has at least led me to 'growing up' and so i will never again stoop to 'cheating' but i won't get into that...
life is about personal growth and right now my top priority is being the person i know and want to be so that i can be the best mother possible to my son and do my part in preparing him for life, cause its a hard nasty road...
I want nothing but my husband and i to be able to be friends and raise our son together.
So please no more negative comments. We're doing fine, happily seperated and our son is happy, we're all happy doing it our way... conventional or not

Well I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when people hear the word "cheat" it is such a negative word, it brings out nasty comments. Most people I would hope wouldn't think your some slimey snake who is a wretched woman, but someone who made a mistake and hopefully she learns from them. Yes, their are circumstances with the right kind of person in them wil react a certain way by cheating, but hopefully that person understands in the long run of things that it was wrong to do. I do hope for both of you to solve "both" of your problems together so that your child will grow up with two parents, who may not live together, but who are civil to one another and are acting in the best interest of the child.

All I would like to say is that your husband must love you very much for forgiving your mistakes. Many Relationships have broken apart for much less.

Hi "Cheating Wife" I'm sure you've read most of these comments. You probably noticed the trend. This exact thing happens all the time. That's why so many of us have such strong opinions in this matter. It happened to me as a matter of fact. I went through the roller-coaster of "love me today, cheat on me tomorrow". It's Hell! Your husband and child do not deserve this. Stop playing games with him. He obviously loves you and you have seriously taken advantage of that. This is something that he will be reminded of the rest of his life. I'm not trying to be rude when I say this but please, get your shit together, for everyone's sake.

Making a mistake is one thing - but continuously cheating-lying-deceiving is something there is no excuse for. None. I don’t need to know both sides. I’m glad you’re separated, that was a healthy decision.

My wife cheated on me, we split up, and now we got along better than we did when we were married. While too much has happened for us to get back together again, we have worked through our problems enough that we are now able to be very good friends. I wish you both happiness in your futures, whether you are together or seperate.

I'm not going into too much detail over 'cheating wife's' post, because it wouldn't be too nice. Frankly, I feel that I don't need to know your side of the story. You were fucking around your husband’s back MUTIPLE times while he was being a responsible father and taking care of his son. That's all the information I need. Just be glad you aren't my wife because your ass literally would be out on the street, no doubt. As someone else said, he must still love you. I've seen the same pattern with so many women so many times. So I do happen to know "jack." Your "condition" in my opinion is total bullshit. Cheating on your husband once and the both of you going to therapy to work it out is one thing, but MUTIPLE times?? Come on. You knew exactly what you were doing. Your husband must want very much for the relationship to work out so his son can have a mother. That alone demands respect. Something you obviously don't want to give him. You two are both better off beig seperated. Just make sure your son is taken care of.

Now I'm not trying to deliberately be an asshole about it, I'm just calling this like I see it because I've seen this so many times and they all end up the same way. Disastrous. For your son's sake, I hope you get it together.

thats what i was going to say, 'cept a little meaner :lol:

no excuses. cheating is cheating, the situation that drove you to it doesn't matter. if things were *that* bad, why didn't you seek out a divorce or a separation or something. it makes it even worse that you have a kid. now you're not just screwing up your relationship, but you're possibly screwing up the future life of your kid. grow up.

You basically have two options.
1) You try the counseling thing. If she honestly will cheat once I firmly believe she'll probably do it again. Sadly I view everyone like that. There are very few circumstances in which I can think of that would make this justifible.

2) Divorce. Get custody of the child. If you're telling this story straight you shouldn't really have trouble winning such an argument if you can fully provide for the child. This may not save your relationship with her; however, it may clean her up enough to somewhat provide and care for your child well.


I believe in the aspect that is love and since I don't believe that she'll change, I'm saying go for option two.

Even if it doesn't come to divorce, you want to be prepared. Start the groundwork now to have custody of your child. Hopefully you won't need it, but still...

Look, it's not really the sex that's getting your goat here. It's the lies. You need to have a conversation with her about exactly what she's done and with whom. You need to be able to hear all that without blaming her or being (overly) upset. If you don't think you can handle hearing it all, don't start this conversation, but my recommendation is that you give her an opportunity to come 100% clean, and let her trust that you're coming from a commitment to restore the trust and the partnership. Getting the truth told is the first part of that.

It'll only work if she's really committed to your marriage and ending the lies. If she's not, get your divorce lawyer working ASAP.

I completely agree with BCD. Dude, I'm really really sorry to hear about this. You have already given it your all and she continues to lie to you, it's time to cut and run, but you HAVE to get custody of your child.

Dude, I just went through this. I asked the same question here a million times, and everyone always told me to leave, but I kept insisting that I think she would change, and ignored the advice. This past weekend, I bade farewell to my wife and moved out after finding out that she did not break off contact with her lover. So far, it has been the BEST thing that I've ever done, and I've got ZERO regrets. I would much rather live my life not worrying about where my wife is spending the night tonight, than sitting at home praying that she eventually comes home.

Past behaviors are a good prediction for future behaviors. What coppertop said is right, the sooner, the better. And it will make you happier in the long run knowing you won't be used.

i dont like her

Get rid of her before she completely sucks you into her miserable abyss. And take the kid.]

Save yourself a world of grief.

I am truly sorry to hear. If I were a man and were in your shoes, I would definitely leave. I know it's easier said than done, but there is no way on earth you should be with a person that sleeps around on you. She is your wife, not your girlfriend and you deserve respect. Maybe the whole marriage and motherhood thing isn't for her and she is still immature in a way, but you shouldn't suffer due to her lack of self respect. I am sorry that you have to deal with this but the best thing would be to move on and find someone who will respect you. Trust is one of the main factor in a relationship and if it isn't there, then there is always that doubt, and that doubt can drive a person mad. I understand that you are trying to get her help, but people like her doesn't change, 5, 10, 15, years from now, she will become comfortable again and will do it all over again. Please be strong and make the right decision here.

Let another fellow attorney weigh in on this, although I pretty much echo earlier advice. First, there is the legal side of things, and in the interests of your child you have no choice but to file asap. I'd do that at the same time as telling her that I am seeking custody...if you stress the importance of your desire that she needs to continue to be involved as a parent, there's a good chance that she'll go along with that (she has no responibility, and little guilt, if you present it correctly...she obviously doesn't want the responsibilty of primary custody). Part two is for you to get counselling, to get her behind you, and to begin looking for someone who is a match. You and she are obviously in way different places...that's the reality of it, and wishful thinking won't change it. Good luck.