how do you know ?

[bender]

how do you know if your in love with someone or if you just love someone ?

[Minx]

I would have thought that loving someone is the same as being in love.
You know you are in love when that person's happiness means more than your own. When you feel as if a part of you is missing when they aren't around. When you would rather be miserable with them rather than bumbling along just content without them. When you can picture yourself growing old with them and still having something to talk about after ten or twenty years of marriage. When you can say anything to them and be yourself and be cherished and treasured.
I have always said (to the chagrin of someone I know) that if you have to ask the question of "Am I in love" or "Am I happy" then you already have your answer - no.

[Cynthetiq]

Being in love is nothing like loving someone. Being in love fades away over time, it's best even described as infatuation.

Love.. doesn't wane.

[Leander]

Minx is pretty much right. If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer

[toxic515]

Oh dear lord in heaven, I'm afraid I am going to really upset some people here. First off, this is not intended as a flame job here to anyone. My opinion and thoughts on love are apparently VERY different from those presented. I too have been accused of being out of touch with my emotions. Fact is, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm going to paraphrase and copy some from an article by Gary Hull at the Ayn Rand institute.. because he says it so very very well.

Love, we are taught, consists of self-sacrifice. Love based on self-interest, we are told, is cheap and sordid. True love, it is said, is altruistic. But is it?

Imagine a Valentine's Day card which takes this premise seriously. Imagine receiving a card with the following message: "I get no pleasure from your existence. I obtain no personal enjoyment from the way you look, dress, move, act or think. Our relationship profits me not. You satisfy no sexual, emotional or intellectual needs of mine. You're a charity case, and I'm with you only out of pity. Love, XXX."
_______Needless to say, you would be indignant to learn that you are being "loved," not for anything positive you offer your lover, but?like any recipient of alms?for what you lack. Yet that is the perverse view of love entailed in the belief that it is self-sacrificial.
_______Genuine love is the exact opposite. It is the most selfish experience possible, in the true sense of the term: it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.
_______To love a person is selfish because it means that you value that particular person, that he or she makes your life better, that he or she is an intense source of joy?to you. A "disinterested" love is a contradiction in terms. One cannot be neutral to that which one values. The time, effort and money you spend on behalf of someone you love are not sacrifices, but actions taken because his or her happiness is crucially important to your own. Such actions would constitute sacrifices only if they were done for a stranger?or for an enemy. Those who argue that love demands self-denial must hold the bizarre belief that it makes no personal difference whether your loved one is healthy or sick, feels pleasure or pain, is alive or dead.
_______It is regularly asserted that love should be unconditional, and that we should "love everyone as a brother." We see this view advocated by the "non-judgmental" grade-school teacher who tells his class that whoever brings a Valentine's Day card for one student must bring cards for everyone. We see it in the appalling dictum of "Hate the sin, but love the sinner"?which would have us condemn death camps but send Hitler a box of Godiva chocolates. Most people would agree that having sex with a person one despises is debased. Yet somehow, when the same underlying idea is applied to love, people consider it noble.
_______Love is far too precious to be offered indiscriminately. Love represents an exalted exchange?a spiritual exchange?between two people, for the purpose of mutual benefit.
_______You love someone because he or she is a value?a selfish value to you, as determined by your standards?just as you are a value to him or her.
_______It is the view that you ought to be given love unconditionally?the view that you do not deserve it any more than some random bum, the view that it is not a response to anything particular in you, the view that it is causeless?which exemplifies the most ignoble conception of this sublime experience.
_______The nature of love places certain demands on those who wish to enjoy it. You must regard yourself as worthy of being loved. Those who expect to be loved, not because they offer some positive value, but because they don't?i.e., those who demand love as altruistic duty?are parasites. Someone who says "Love me just because I need it" seeks an unearned spiritual value?in the same way that a thief seeks unearned wealth.

um... sorry, I know that's a lot and some of it may not appear to apply, but if you give it all consideration, I think you'll find that the "IN" love vs love is a moot point. The IN love, is just the highest regard, the most important or special love that is shared. We certainly are capable of loving more than the one person. The vital part of picking a mate, is identifying the REAL values that we hold, and having the integrity to live those values, and value them in another.

[toxic515]

well the post did some weird things to my punctuation... hope you all will forgive me for that, I really can type..... sort of.

[Antagony]

toxic515, should those come to battle you on this topic, I shall be your ally.

I agree on all points you (or Gary Hull) make. I do have a bit I'd like to add ::

I think a big part of love is culture. Our (American) culture puts the emphasis on self-sacrifice. One way to clearly see this is in buying The Ring. (Not the movie, you dumbass). We're expected to spend at least a month or two's wages on a beautiful ring for our wives to be. While this may not quite be true in every relationship, it is pretty much the common belief that we are to sacrifice our all for our beloved.

But why?

Because in turn, the same is expected from the target of your affection. We're taught not to fall in love with those who are "out of our league" because our feelings won't likely be reciprocated.

See where I'm going? It's essentially symbiotic self-indulgence. "I love you, now love me back." This concept of love does have its benefits. You get to be the most important thing in the world to one person. And in turn, they are to be the most important thing in your world. For the average person, this experience is absolutely unattainable through any other means.

Ever think of it like that?