Killing the pain without killing me??

[IowaEric]

Ok, time to put on your advice-giving hats ...

First, let me give you the story. I've been dating a wonderful woman for about 8 months now, one who I am completely and totally in love with. If it were not for my pitiful financial situation, I'd have already bought the ring. (It's good that I didn't, however) About a week ago, we had the tiniest spat I've ever had with a woman, and it ended up with her not talking to me for about a week. Finally, last Friday, we got to talking about whatever the hell was going on (at this point, I'm literally clueless) and she pretty much says she wants to be alone. I still cannot pinpoint exactly why, and if she has a specific reason, she's not really privvy to sharing it with me I guess. I made my last-ditch effort to try and fix things Sunday, and after a good talk, I ended up still with no reason but clarification that it was pretty much over.

Anyways, what can I say, I'm completely devestated. I've never treated anyone so well in my life and I have no idea what went wrong. My friends are all convinced she's seeing someone else, while I myself am not. (She's not really the type) They're doing what they can to be supportive, but admittedly, it's not much. So basically, I'm completely heartbroken and have been spending way too much time alone lately.

Those of you that know me from my more active days around here may recall that I have a bit of a problem in the area of drinking. (I originally posted this on a different forum I was active on, but since there's a lot of cool people around here I figured I'd cross-post it) Matter of fact, I have no license, no vehicle, and practically no cash as a result of being laid off all winter, most of these circumstances directly related to drinking. I feel I've done a great job of getting over that hump in the road, but I'm falling back into that trap in a big way. Honestly, it's the only thing that takes my mind off things, even if for only a short time. Unfortunately, I don't consider it much of a solution and I don't really want to fall back on everything I've gained by getting my drinking under control.

So, I guess my question to all of you is, can anyone point me in a good direction to try and get over this shit without falling into the bottom of a bottle every time? The fact that I can't go anywhere without begging for a ride, and don't have the money to do anything anyways, is probably seriously compounding the absolute shit state I'm mentally in right now. I'm trapped in an apartment with this woman until the end of the month (I've got another place lined up) and being here has to be the worst thing in the world for me right now. So, guys and gals, please offer me what you can for advice. I could really use it right now.

[Seaver]

I find that when I'm depressed or pissed off exercise is my best friend.

When I found out my girlfriend cheated on me in HS, I put on my shoes and just RAN. I ran 12 miles by the time I cooled down (at the time 3 was my max). The great thing about exercising when you're depressed or pissed, is that it gets those emotions out of you, releases dopomine (feel good feeling), AND gets you in better shape for the next girl.

Lets face it, when you can hardly breath it's hard to think about things.

[Glory's Sun]

hmm the things that help me the most are writing and music. Learn an instrument (if you don't know one already) write some songs or poetry. I love to drink and yeah I'm guilty of drinking when I'm depressed but you have to control it. Just take a step back and find that hobby or niche that helps you cope. Sometimes when a girl doesn't give you a reason..it's because they may not really be sure themselves. It doesn't always mean there is a different guy. It could mean she just wasn't as ready as she thought she was. (I'm going through that now)

[ironmaiden7o7]

I am so sorry. I read your post and felt so helpless, I felt that no matter how much I type, you will still feel the way you do. It would be so great if you stay away from the alcohol, you are not working as a result of the alcohol, all that you have done so far really helped you to be strong and if you fall back into that pit, you are only going to get yourself more depressed. My best advice would be for you to go job hunting, any job, just as long as you can get money. Engage yourself in activities, do things like exercise like Seaver said, try to take your mind away from the obvious.

I am sure she has her reasons why she did what she did. Since she didn't give you much of an explanation why she wants to be alone, it seems to be that she is indeed seeing someone and doesn't want to tell you. You don't need to hurt yourself because of this and please understand that you do not need another person in your life to make you happy. Happiness comes from within, and if you rely on someone else to make you happy and stable, then that's the bad way to turn because should that person leaves you one day, you will be at ground zero again. Think about this, be strong. I am very proud of you that you were able to fight the alcohol problem, and remember if you do it again, you will only be hurting yourself. There is really solution in drinking to ease the pain. If you need someone to talk to, I am here, please feel free to PM me. Good luck with this.

[TheWalkinDude]

I'm going through exactly the same thing right now. The love of my life left me about a month ago and it intensified an already existing booze problem to the extent where my health was in very real danger.
About a week ago, I decided to do something about it. I poured all my remaining drink away, and went to see my doctor. He put me on prozac, which will hopefully start taking effect late next week.
The point is, I've been through the same as you and I'm starting to get better when I was pretty sure the only way was down. Sure I'm still lonely, I still miss my ex, and I still desperately want a drink, but it's become clear to me that it can't last forever. I've committed myself to practicing my musical instruments intensively, and I can tell you it really helps to find something like that to take your mind off things.
So my advice to you is: force yourself to get off the drink (Hard as hell, but worth it). Go see a doctor if you feel medication might help you cope with things. Find something to completely occupy your mind, be it music or exercise or work. And don't let yourself obsess over this girl. As soon as you get your new place erase your from your life as much as possible; I still see my ex laughing with her friends around the sixth form and it just dredges up all the painful feelings.
And, most importantly, remember that there are people here who know what you are going through and will be here if you need any support or advice.

[pig]

Sounds like you're getting some decent advice - one thing I'll add is this. I've been in some not-fun situations before, and I've perhaps crawled a bit inside the bottle at points to "cope" as well. (aside, I don't really like the term cope applied here, because you're not coping, you're struggling like hell...) One thing I found that helped me was to make a short list of resolutions / goals that I could carry with me. When I'd start to get that feeling like I was about to embark on a pattern of self-destructive behavior, I'd read the list. Didn't save me every time, but at least it forced me to think about what I was about to do - and reminded me of some other things I could be doing that would be more profitable uses of time.

Regardless, here's wishing you the best of luck...like many have said, a diversion can help and I'll strongly back ironmaiden's advice about job hunting.

[ratbastid]

Find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting near you. Go to ONE meeting, just to check it out. You don't have to commit to a lifetime of ANYTHING. Just go see if any of what they have to say there speaks to you.

I know lots of people who have been in circumstances similar to yours who have pulled themselves together by participating in AA. Even if you've got your drinking under control, there are practices and structures there to support you in having your whole life work.

[IowaEric]

I currently attend AA. I'm legally bound to do so as part of my second-offense OWI.

I can see that it defintely helps some people. My views on addiction are a little different, having been through it and defeated it twice, but I think you guys are looking at the drinking angle as more than it is. I *DID* have a problem drinking, I've controlled it quite well now, but I guess I'm finding it's the only thing making me not feel like shit and I'm trying to find ways to do this other than drinking that fit my pitiful criteria.

[Zeraph]

Learn to meditate.

[ratbastid]

Sounds to me like being "legally bound" to attend AA is in the way of you getting what you could get out of it. You think you have different views on addiction, but you haven't noticed that EVERY drunk says that. You think you've got it beat, but it's still there around your neck, waiting for you to be weak enough it can bring you down.

Go talk about this at your next meeting. It'll do you good to get it out in the open.

[pig]

as a follow up to some of that ratbastids comments,

Originally Posted by IowaEric

My views on addiction are a little different, having been through it and defeated it twice

sort of caught my eye. you don't beat alcoholism, you accept it and live with it, either by moderating or not drinking at all. the latter is easier than the former, from what i've been told. you certainly don't beat it twice - it's logically impossible.

your life is yours to live, but i would be careful about this. i don't think you fill the void you normally fill with alcohol by replacing it with something else and expect vastly different results, although it may help to break static patterns of behavior. i think you have to attack the root issues that drive you to drink. girlfriend problems are problems, but not having a job problems and having no money problems and not having enough other things in your life going on problems are problems you can solve without relying on anyone else. as someone else above said, once you get whole within yourself, you will attract others and girlfriend problems will go away if you want them to. you can do it. you just have to want to. trust me, i have been in your shoes, could very easy be in them again.

[IowaEric]

Rat, I totally get what you're saying, I really do. I beat heroin several years ago with no support whatsoever. My take on addiction pretty much goes along the lines of: if you're not to the point, in your own mind, where you realize something has to change, you will not beat addiction.

I'm all for support groups, I believe they help a lot of people, but they are not the "cure" to anyone's problems. And attending AA, I can tell you there are a lot of people in there who are not ready to quit in their own minds, and are looking for someone else to push them there. Maybe it helps them, I don't know, but it doesn't help me because those are my experiences and that's all I have to gauge off of. It's not at all that I don't participate and take an active role in the meetings, I just see things differently after the things I've been through and I can see fairly easily someone who is there to be TOLD how to quit because they don't know how themselves. Without sounding totally harsh, this to me is a person that will ultimately relapse, until they have convinced themselves, via inner conversation or whatever, that there is no choice but to abstain from their current lifestyle.

I hope that clarifies my point further without turning this into an AA debate.

[IowaEric]

To clarify, heroin was the main addiction that I beat. And also, I *DO* have a job, we are supposed to be going back full-time this week although that has not happened as of yet, but I did work throughout the winter and have been employed by the same person, it's just that I do construction work and winter is a normal off-season. Don't want to give the impression that I'm a deadbeat who sits on the couch with a case of beer all day, that's defintely not the scenario.

[pig]

IowaEric

thanks for the clarifications. first, I'm going to return to the notion that I don't think you don't beat addictions. I think it's a lot easier to fall back when you get cocky about having it beat. Second, I'm going to suggest you take some stock in yourself and eliminate the terminology like "that fit my pitiful criteria" and so forth. Your limits are what they are, accept them and move on to techniques to expand them. Such as...i would have to ask if you feel that, depsite your winter job, you have been under-employed? not that $$$ is everything, but you mention $$$ problems. I've found that getting my $$$ straight helps a lot of stress-related issues go away as it enables you to do shit and save for future, etc. aside from that, do what you like to do - ie. exercise if you can, play music if you've got the instrument, etc.

best of luck.

[IowaEric]

man i dont know what to tell you guys .. you've all given some great advice but there seems to be nothing I can do to kill this absolute fucking pain .. it just kills me to know it went bad without even knowing what did it. I don't know man, I've never loved anyone like this and the worst part is, there is no fixing it. Even if it was fixed, it would never be the same. I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with it, being so fresh and all.

For what it's worth, I'm usually a very confident, outgoing and hard-willed person. I wasn't underemployed, I work for a guy who's a friend from high school, started his own construction company and he pays me as best he can. It's not quite what I could be getting but I told him I'd be with him for a long time to come because I want to see him make it and I know when he does I'll be taken well care of. I play guitar, but it's not doing what it used to for me. It used to be a great remedy, but that seems to have changed. I guess the most shocking thing, aside from the obvious, is how helpless I feel despite the personality I normally have. Anyways, enough of my depressive ramblings.

[lindseylatch]

I'll give my trademark reply...therapy! It can help you, either, figure out what went wrong in the relationship, or come to grips with the fact that it's HER problem, not yours, that cause the breakup. If you can't see anything you did as causing it, then it's probably something SHE did.

[Kazic]

I had a similar situation happen with me just last year. There was more to it than just the 8months but regardless it ended pretty close to the same way. I tried therapy, I tried talking out my problems. in the end I found things that I could bring more of myself into the picture. I started pushing myself harder at the gym. It became more of a temple when I went there I was cleansing the hurt feelings and anger out. and when I left I could sleep much better. ( I was on perscription sleep aids to stop the anxiety)

I guess my point is. YOU can help YOU in this case. don't count yourself short. If you care about yourself and it sounds like you do. Try investing in you. with things that make you happy. If you like Snowboarding make it your priority to do it. If you like playing video games its no longer a guilty pleasure for your weekends! And if you feel like being alone with your thoughts its not so bad to walk through your mind and in the end see things clearer.

[pig]

Originally Posted by lindseylatch

or come to grips with the fact that it's HER problem, not yours, that cause the breakup.

Eric

1. I understand your situation with your friend - best of luck to both of you. That's an honorable approach to that particular situation.

2. In light of lindsey's comment above, the only other thing I can say is this:

You can not control the world. You can not change the world, until you've accepted the way it is. And after accepting the way things are, you can only control your reaction. Point being: it sounds to me like you're stuck in the place where you realize that you don't know what happened, but you really want to know. Facts are, you are in a position of limited knowledge, and it's probably going to stay that way, and it's beyond your control. Make up your mind to accept it, if you can. When thoughts about this girl enter your mind, don't fight them, but don't follow them. They will subside. You may not like my next advice, but any chance you know some attractive, sexually promiscuous womens? Because, well...that can serve as some pretty good therapy too. Not quite what lindsey had in mind, but....