Too many partners??
 

i recently got a call from an ex boyfriend of mine who proceeded to bad mouth me and call me every name in the book and he couldnt believe he had sex with me and couldnt believe he didnt catch anything.. and said that he wished i had a sign on my head that said how many people i had been with to warn other guys and girls... so my question is how many is too many... i dont want to be labeled a slut in the board so i wont reveal how many people i have been with... i am very safe... i get tested regularly... i dont go home with a different guy every night... i just enjoy sex... so i guess how many is too many?

nobody on this board would post you were a slut no matter what the number was. If you posted something saying that you'd had sex with hundreds/thousands of people and did it unprotected etc...they might say something about your sanity...

Im 36 I've had around 250 different people (men and women) 99 percent of that number was from the age of 17 to 22 and it wasnt always intercourse (I count oral sex in those numbers as well)

he's an ex, who cares what he thinks....as long as you're being careful...getting tested and not knowingly going around passing out diseases...your number is YOUR number and fuck what he thinks

a lot of guys have no problem being "studly" but you let them find out a female enjoys the same thing and they are automatically a slut...ooo that pisses me off

If you're careful and you're certain you're clean and your partners are, I don't really see a problem. I have to admit, I used to be one of the guys who would care about a girls history but you grow up and if you don't you end up like jillian's ex. I think if you're an adult or you're mature enough you can look past those things. your ex is just a fool in my eyes. I'm not exactly well experienced and I still have this view. Including oral i've only been with 6 people.

thats what i thought... the sex with this guy was great... he loved it and so did i.... once he found out how many ppl i had been with we split up... he loved the sexc he loved how kinky and fun i was what did he expect?? i was a virgin and knew all of this by just waking up one day??... he had only been with 5 or 6 girls and thought he was a stud with the ladies... we got in a lot of arguments about my past partners and i think he was just uncomfortable with a woman who enjoyed sex that much... i mean ill admit it... i love sex... i personally wouldnt care if my number was 100 times what it is as long as im safe and smart about it... i dont cheat on guys or girls im seeing i just love sex... but lately ive kind of given up on guys so its been alot of solo pleasure for me

well i dont count my oral sessions because if i did then mynumber would be way to high... the only reason why it bothers me because the last couple guys ive met or talked to or tried to hook up with didnt like how many ppl i was with... and i wasnt even telling them how many i was with... i rounded way down and they still... suddenly "lost interest"

the only question you need to ask yourself is if YOU think the number is too high.....unless they are really into bragging...I have found most people are shamed into rounding the number down because of the way society is going to view it.

I count each one of the people I was with as an education in the wonderful mysterious ways of sex...while there were a lot I'd never do again...I still learned something from them on how to relate to another human being on a sexual level and I wouldnt trade that for anything

What your number is, is entirely your business, if the number was 1, you might get written off for not having enough experience, if that number is 251 you get written off for being too promiscuous. That number is not their business, and they really have no right to ask. If they are concerned about anything, then they should use protection, but STDs can be transmitted if you had 1 partner, 4 partners, or 1000 partners.

That double-standard that Shani mentions is really troublesome.. why should't women be able to enjoy sex the same way men do/

Basically Jillian, that number is not their concern, and your ex was out of line for saying what he said.

It depends on what the ex was looking for in your relationship. If someone heads into a relationship with the thought that the person they are dating might just be the one, and they find out that they are just one of many (apart from bruising the ego somewhat), it might suggest that you see sex as something apart, or different from, a meaningful relationship. Sometimes sex and relationships become entwined, it's not always easy to separate one from the other.

If you were both together for a good time, then great, but if he wanted to think that you might settle down and consider him as a possible 'one' then it's bound to put him off.

It's not a double standard, just different ways of looking at and understanding sex.

I can't speak for the ex, or the guys who consider a girl a slut if she likes to sleep around. For me, I don't really mind how many guys she has had (as long as she is careful). In fact, I've found sex to be much better when the girl has some notches on her lip stick case. Girls who have had multiple partners tend to do more of the interesting stuff.

What bothers me is how many people she is sleeping with when she is sleeping with me.

IMO - Who does it hurt if you have sound sexual health practices and maintain a healthy self esteem/personal image. Enjoy yourself, life is short.

Sounds like you've been meeting the wrong kind of "men".

I've determined a lot of guys number of too many is if the girl has had as many or more partners than they have. One of my friends...not a bad guy at all. Very respectful and all...but when he found out his current girl had sex with roughly the same number he had bedded...dropped her like a hot potato.

But hey there's somebody for everybody. If a guy drops you because you have had too many partners...well wasn't ever meant to be. I know a couple of guys that won't even bother to date a girl they know that are virgins because in their eyes she's not worth the effort or would be closed minded. I know others that won't mess with a girl that has had sexual relations with more than just a couple of folks.

My own personal rule...3 per year of sexual maturity starting at 14. For example if a potential mate was 24 30 different partners would be reasonable. Reason being I personally do not believe in one night stands. Never had one never will have one because I think sex should be part of a package and not just a cheap act. In my own mind if a woman had significantly more than that it would make me wonder about her stability relationship wise. I really don't want to be treated as a piece of meat as I wouldn't ever treat her like that. My number at least would give a reasonable expectation that a woman was at least TRYING to have a relationship with the people she was sleeping with and not just out on the prowl constantly. I mean even the most flighty people would only average maybe 3-4 decent length relationships a year.

Wow, I'm WAAAAAAAAAAAY behind! Let's see, I'm 39, almost 40, so by your math I should have 72 notches in my penis. I'm not even in double-digits! LOTS of catch-up needed.

A lot of people think that being a slut means having sex with a lot of people. When in fact, you can be a slut and only have sex with one person. All it takes is for you to lie about it to your SO, and for the person you have sex with to be someone other than your SO. That I would call a slut. But a person who just has lots and lots of sex? I'd say that's someone who really enjoys her sexuality.

Im 26 and Ive had sex with 2 people

I've had a similar situation, where i was asking this girl how many people she had slept with...she replied, "8, including this one girl.." She was only 17 at the time.

Alot of guys like it alot more, if we are made to feel special, perhaps, "chosen?" A girl who has slept around so much most likely has emotional issues, or is completely unstable. We like girls who have at least some sense of discretion.

Furthermore, i think this has to do alot with how the guy views the girl, and if her sex history is consistent. If i met a nice girl, who was very womanly, and seemed pretty innocent, and then found out she slept w/ 20 guys it would be weird. If another girl who is outwardly promiscuous, who has slept with 20 guys probably won't be that big of a deal.

You're kidding me right? Women that have a lot of partners have emotional issues and are unstable?

Ok....what about guys that have a lot of partners....you ARE gonna say the same about them RIGHT?

I don't think it's insane to be concerned about how many partners someone has had. Regardless of how "safe" your practices are, it increases the chances that you have caught something. Tests aren't 100% (and for all we know there are new diseases they don't catch). For that matter, I might not be 100% comfortable taking your word on the tests (people do lie sometimes).

That's not to say there is some magic number. But as the number goes northwards I would probably hesitate, were I dating right now.

Moreover, the more partners you've had, the smaller the chance that you and I will hook up permanently (after all, none of your other SO's lasted), so if I were looking for something permanent, I might well decide you weren't for me. Many guys would like to be special to their SO's, and it may be harder to have that feeling if you have had a ton of partners. (For that matter, your greater sexual sophistication alone is going to scare off plenty of guys.)

Laugh I wonder what he would say about my female married friend who is into gang bangs.

Sounds like typical male jealousy, its hard to fight.

based on some of the responses here Im sure glad my guy enjoyed the hell out of my experience and NEVER ONCE looked down on me for it. When I found my first husband (which was back when I was enjoying sex a LOT) I completely stopped and he was the ONLY man I was with while our relationship lasted which was 11 years. When I met Dave I once again went into "single partner" mode and have not been with another person in over a year.

Many partners doesnt necessarily signify that a woman cant commit....it signifies that she hasnt found one she WANTS to commit to.

Again I ask...how are we as women supposed to feel about guys that have more experience? Are we supposed to tell them that oops sorry you've had several partners so that means I'll never be special to you?

I think people should just leave the subject alone. What reason, if any, is there for knowing the number of people someone has slept with? You'd have to be horribly insecure or immature to give a shit as far as I can tell.

It's like Chasing Amy. Great movie. Though it shouldn't matter I have to agree with above stated, a lot of guys are uncomfortable if the number is higher than their own number, myself included. Maybe it's just immaturity but the fact is that it is a problem.

It's a pretty silly thing to be worried about.

Men tend to have this virgin/whore thing going on about women. We want them to to be wanton sluts for us. But they should also be pure and chaste. :rolleyes:

How about if people are just people? People have histories. Guess what: those histories mean precisely zero about those people's present or future.

Our societal taboos regarding sex are a big problem. People need to lighten up and realize that enjoying sex isn't a bad thing. If you're out having a lot of unprotected sex with strangers, there are probably some emotional issues (I think we decided a while back that a slut is someone who uses sex to boost or replace self-esteem,) but as long as you're smart about it, and you get tested regularly and use protection to keep yourself clean, there's nothing wrong with having a lot of sex because you enjoy it.

Yea, i probably will. Guys who sleep around too much are probably making up for something too...

I'm not saying that sleeping around is completely wrong, i just don't condone it.

I neither condone or approve, but I will say that I don't like the thought that my girlfriend has had multitudes of partners - thats an honest opinion and one that I know will be echoed by many guys, I don't know why it should bother me and if I think about it rationally I know it shouldn't for all the equality arguments listed above, but i can't help the way i feel, accept a lot of partners yeah sure I can do that, but i'm not going to pretend I feel fantastic about it.

That's not true at all. A person personal history has a great deal to do with what they are like now and what they have the potential to do in the future. Does it mean you should completely downgrade people on what they've done in the past? No. But you'd be a fool not to at least consider it in a portion of your judgement of the person especially if you are attempting to make a long term relationship with that person. I mean if you are dating somebody and they did something horrible in the past, BUT they have no signs pointing to that they would repeat the habit forgive past sins so to speak.

For example I wouldn't likely date somebody that had an extended problem with drugs or had a history of mental instability or stalking her ex boyfriends.
Just like I would hope none of the women I know would date a guy who had problems with domestic abuse or had a habit of getting a woman pregnant and then skipping out on them. No offense but ignoring a person's past totally is a good way of getting yourself screwed over.

Jillian, any guy that gives you crap about the number of partners you've had is only trying to cover up for his own insecurity. point blank. Laugh it off, they aren't worth it.

I personally don't look at it as male or female, there is no double standard. I've stated before that I'm a little possesive of my wife and don't really care to think about it with regards to her, but I know how many people she has been with and she knows how many people I've been with. Her past is exactly that past. The only thing that matters to me is from here out.

Whats that dear? you say you've slept over a hundred men... oh. no no why should I mind that a hundred men have shared you the intimate way i find so special between us.
and given oral to twice the amount.. excellent I must say I'm impressed by your liberal attitude towards carnal satisfaction and that you've taken our societies pressure to find happiness in meaningless sexual encounters with so many men to heart. and now you've mentioned it Im sure that as a thouroghly modern guy in control of his insecurities I'll never think about it again after all it wouldn't other you the amount of intimate encounters I've had would it?

Haha, funny, the first thing I thought of was a Kevin Smith movie as well, except Clerks instead for me. The point is, and Dante after being a dumbass eventually realizes, that none of that stuff matters beyond a childish initial response. I had never thought about the way both Clerks and Chasing Amy had that idea in common.

It really doesn't matter how many people you've been with in my view as a guy. The only thing I can see for myself would be a little bit of intimidation, as I've only slept with one girl so experience on my part might lack in comparison. But again thats just a stupid knee-jerk reaction because something must be right if you're going to shag anyway. Hell, experience can teach experience and i'd always be up for learning. After all, isn't learning why I'm in college?

But yeah, ex-boyfriend saying all that stuff is just typical male jealousy/machoism in my mind. He's not trying to belittle you, but trying to belittle all the other people you've been with and trying to make himself feel like he's above all them. By saying he's suprised he had sex with you, he's trying to feel better than what he sees as the competition who had sex with you and apparently had no problem with it. Its just bullshit trying to make himself feel better, so ignore it and realize whatever happened to make you two 'ex-es' obviously was a good thing in the end to get away from someone like that.

Kudos on getting tested regularly and being able to enjoy yourself however you see fit. Don't let people stigmatize you for doing something you enjoy and do safely.

I think any guy who has a problem with his girl's "number" being too high has more issues with himself than he does with her.

Personally I wouldn't give a shit if the number was six figures long (although there may have to be certain laws of biology, maybe even physics, broken to achieve that).

oh well, wish I was as "right on" as all the guys proclaiming that it doesn't matter how many men have had sex with their girlfriends, If I'm honest with myself I know I like to think of sex as special shared act not something to do every weekend with different people because I can (generalisation I know), I disagree with the way sex is treated and used in media and society itself and think we are being sold short on the whole liberal attitude thing

Why?

I don't understand this point of view.

elydian dont try to understand it....this is the attitude of guys she needs to stay away from...you wont understand why they feel that way anymore than they understand how a guy DOESNT mind an experienced woman

Yeh, I think the problem with views like that one is they confuse their "can"s and "should"s.

One of the great things about sex is there's many things it "can" be, but it's important to realise that there is no one way or thing it "should" be (other than mind-numbingly good :cool: ).

call me old fashioned... but i think if you're intimate enough w/a person to have sex with them, there shouldn't have anything like "your business" and "my business" between you. sex should be the apex of human relationships... the final intimate act that is only done when all other trust and intimacy levels have been cemented.

the number of partners a person has had seems to be besides the point, i just don't see how anything is outside the limits of communication when you're involved with someone in such intimate ways.

Jillian to be honest with ya that guy was just jelous that you have had more partners than him. Personaly I don't see a problem with what your doing as long as your safe about it. I look at it this if a girls has been with more people than me maybee she can show me something I did't know it all boils down to maturity to be truthful some guys just can't handle the fact that girls like sex to.

Understandable or not it is an issue with a lot of guys. Me, I have to admit it would bother me if I knew the number of men my wife had been with before me. I live in a "don't ask don't tell" world. I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'd still love her and basically nothing would change but if it was a high number then every time I met one of her guy friends or aquaintances I'd wonder if she had slept with him in the past. This would lead to an unseemly picture in my head and I just don't need that aggravation. She had a life before me and is into sex more than I am so I imagine she has had her share and thats fine. I don't know the details or the numbers and wrong or not, it helps me sleep easier. This guy has a problem with this issue and thats his right. It is not his right to call you names and make you feel bad about yourself. Any person that does that isn't worth your time. You are better off without him. As for how many is too many, there is no answer. Each person decides that for themself. I say as long as you are comfortable with it and safe what you do is your business and you can feel good about that. Some people wait until they are married and never have another partner, some get it twice a day. No ones wrong, no ones right, just different.

To echo what many other people have already said - as long as you're enjoying yourself and being smart, there's nothing wrong with having been with a lot of people. Don't let your ex get to you, he's in the wrong here, not you. :)

And all you ladies who have mentioned how you've been with girls as well as guys, how did you manage? Cause I can't seem to find a single one. :p

onodrim....sure you have...you've found several of us right here :lol:

its what you're comfortable with. Fuck him and people like him. I love sex and want to end up with someone with the same mindset. If someone is turned off by the number of people that I have slept with then they are not that person.

My thoughts on the subject.

Sex is something sacred and special, but shoudn't necessarily be saved for a select few. Life is too short. Why should we limit the amount of pleasure we have in our lifetimes because society dictates how much is enough or not enough sex? I am single. I will have as much sex, as often, and with as many beautiful women I can before I get married and settle into one relationship. I have no qualms about it. I will be safe. I will stay clean. I will get checked regularly. I will always use protection.

I don't think that women should have the double standard placed on them either. I don't care if I sleep with someone who has had 100 partners. For what I am looking for, which is usually a few nights of passion, doesn't require the woman to have a limited number of partners. In fact, I like someone who has a history. This way I know she will be secure with her sexuality and most likely good in the sack.

Same here. I don't need to know or want to know. She hasn't told me and I haven't told her. I wouldn't lie if she asked but I am not going to volunteer the information either. We're happy with each other, and that's what's important.

I'll just second what most have said. No number is too high so long as you're not spreading disease, and it's not consuming the rest of your life. I've learned something from psychologoy, and that is that nothing is a disorder (ie bad, wrong) unless it disrupts youre life.

Sorry if this has been stated, but what's it matter really if you sleep with lots of guys? More power to you. I've had relations with girls who had more then twice, sometimes more then 3 times more partners then I. As long as you keep yourself clean and safe then it shouldn't matter and these guys need to get a grip. In fact, I'm trying to get my fiancee into puttin more notches in hers...=p

im only 21 and ill be the first to admit ive been with alot of people... do i regret any of them? yes and no.... i took something with me after eacxh one... whether it was a memory or an expirience that i will know to avoid in the future.... none of them were just a notch for my lipstick case... although alot were just to satisfy a craving... i consider myself a funa nd adventerous girl... ive tried almost everything... mainly just to see what i like... im not the type to not try something... because like they say... how do u know till u tried..... only problem isive liked just about everything ive tried... ill adnit it i love sex... there isnt a moment in the day that i dont think about it.... im not ashamed of the things ive done or the things i will do... i just know that there are guys who will think badly of me for these things... so i guess i should just be honest and upfront with them for the fact that if they cant handle it... i probably dont want to be with them anyway... now to find a guy or girl that loves a girl that knows how to have fun and isnt afraid of trying new things... and likes the fact that i have been with alot of people gaining valuable expirience

After quite a bit of deliberation about posting this, I decided to, even though this community is not nearly as open to conflicting ideas as they would like to believe. I'm gonna post this even though I believe I'll take a bunch of crap for it.

I think there is such a thing as too many partners, at least in my own opinion of how love and sex are related. I can't seperate sex and love, its one thing to me. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. Every person I've had sex with except one was someone I truly expected to spend the rest of my life with. That one was a stupid decision thats bothered me seriously ever since, and I regret it very much. In my opinion, sex is a sharing experience and its too special to just hand out to everyone. I know I'm in the minority here, but thats how I feel.

No, it doesn't necessarily signify that, but it's a warning signal. You have to weigh the odds and make a judgement. Having had some prior SO's for long periods of time would improve the odds, in my assessment.

As for how I would weigh things if I were a woman -- best I can guess is the same. "several" is one thing, but if a guy told me he'd had 100 prior partners he probably wouldn't be first on my list.

Then again, I'm risk averse; other people will decide things differently. My point was I don't think it's crazy to consider the number of partners.

That's facile but untrue. History is a pretty decent predictor of the future -- it's not destiny, no, but absent other forces it's a good guide as to what to expect. If you meet a guy with 3 divorces, odds are short that #4 will be the charm. Etcetera.

ok so I had a lot of partners before I got married....does that mean Im going to always be that way? I have spent most of the last 14 years monogamous with two men 11 years with one...NO sex for 2 years and then the last year with one man.

I wouldnt say my early sexual experiences were indicative of how I've lived my life from 1990 to now

:thumbsup:

...but wrong kind of men for yourself.

No it doesn't but you can't totally ignore a person's past. As has been said if one of your beaus told you he beat several of his past girlfriends you wouldn't be a LITTLE leary that it could happen to you? That's what I'm saying at least I don't know about others, but if a woman admitted to me that at say 24 years old she was approaching triple digits of sexual partners...I would have no REAL way of knowing how commited she would be able to be in a relationship. And I weigh things like that very heavily. I'm a creature of information. I won't even buy something as mundane as deoderant without at least a LITTLE bit of research first. So suffice to say if the history of my potential mate isn't up to my standards then I won't be bothering. I would expect no less from the other side because if a woman isn't judging me at least a little on what I've done and accomplished in the past I'm not sure if she would at all be serious about a relationship with me.

It is none of his business who you've been with before or after. The only valid argument I would see would be if there were other partners during your relationship without his knowledge, most guys want to be the only one you are with during a relationship. But again, the relationship is over, so its none of his business.

And it's ok to cloud the number of sexual partners if a guy asks. I don't neccesarily agree that lying of any kind is good for a relationship, but men have a deep seated fear of not being the best you've had, and with a greater number of partners, the greater the chance is that he's not.

How many is too many? That is a question no one should answer for you.

my stance on this has actually been much better writtenby willbjammin in "has sex lost it's meaning thread" my point of view on this subject is not one of judgement on any person for the amount of people they've slept with

however, just because I beleive that a persons sexual history and indeed their attitude toward sex are important does not mean I am some backward thinking male chauvenist, if I went around having multiple partners then expected my partners to virginial that would be hypocritical, but I don't I beleive that sex has more value as a special bond and have found one night stands hollow meaningless things.

To answer the original question how many is too many, that depends on who you ask and I'm entitled to my own opinion on the matter

What's the point of having a virgin? She's inexperienced, is probably messed up in the head or is waaaay too young. I want any woman I'm with to have a clue. Experience is good for that. Lots of former (emphasis on "former") partners is a Good Thing in that sense.

I didn't say I wanted virginial, I don't mind experienced - but you can be experienced and still have a low partner count.

"Low" is a relative thing. Consider Wilt Chamberlin. :D

My wife had many partners befor me. It never bothered me. I look at it this way she had the experence to know what she wanted and what she wants is me. The other nice thing is that she has expemented and knows what she likes and can tell me so the sex is grate.

exactly... the number of people i have been with lets me know what i like and how i like it and i am not afraid to tell him or her how or what to do to make it great for both of us (or the 3 of us....or 4 or.. nevermind)

All those who say it would bother you if your female partner had more "experience" than you need to really look hard at yourself and ask why? This bit of detail about your partner is beyond your control. This person that you care enough about to consider a sexual relationship is the same person before and after you became aware of the "number." It is your own weakness that makes it an issue, recognize it and reconcile it. Have more confidence in yourself and trust your partner as much as she trusted you when she told you the "number." Be the Man she beleived you would be when she trusted in you enough to tell you.

If I found out you lied, it would be over then and there.

Probably not; no risk assessment is perfect. And obviously the last decade or so would change the risk assessment (if the potential partner were aware of it).

This isn't a personal indictment; I'm not saying a girl who'd had a thousand partners couldn't be a wonderful, perfect lover. I'm saying there are rational reasons why she wouldn't be my first choice. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but in the larger population I think there are more guys who care than who don't. You are probably right that many guys hold a double standard; that's sad. But if I were a woman I'd be leery of guys with triple digit counts as well.

What reasons are there that wouldn't be dispelled with a simple STD screening? The only other reasons I can think of include some type of moral judgement of the behavior.

ahemm...umm ive been with 2 guys ..3 if you count "unwilling" sexual encounters...oh and oral 2 guys...and maybe 20 girls

i dont judge other people by how many people they have been with...

just its my preference to save sex for people i really love because its a very emotional thing for me...

now to be totally honest...when it comes to girls..i feel no emotional attachment..so i dont care at all how many people they have been with...but i would have problems having relationships with men who had had alot of sexual partners...because i would know they didnt share the same feelings about sex.

I meant to post something to this thread yesterday, but my browser barfed up my post. I think the original question posed by jillian has been answered in the thread, probably first by maleficient, but I'm not scrolling back to verify.

On the general discussion surrounding it, I think the only non-repeater I have to (somewhat add) is that in my experience, it *usually* works out best if both people are within a certain bracket of one another. I would put the brackets something like :

0
1-5
6-10
11-20
21-50
50-100
100+

Not that's sure thing, as others have testified from their own experiences, but in my experience - for committed relationship development - it usually happens that people who have similar attitudes towards sex will fall close to each other's bracket. It also depends on age difference, of course. And although sexual attitudes don't tell the full story of someone, it's an important component of a healthy relationship and *may* give some indication of a person's general perceptions of morality, ethics, religious committment, etc.

For example, asking one of my best friend's super-duper never-had-sex 24 year old virgin little sister to have a committed relationship with someone who was very sexually promiscuous would be like asking her to brush her teeth with slug shit, in her opinion.

Likely hood of the relationship being something more in the long run. Sorry but depending on the age if a person has had an inordinately high number of partners one would be hard pressed to assume that they would instantly be a ok with settling down. That's not being on some moral high horse that's being painfully honest and realistic about the situation. Now that does take into account a couple of things.
1) That person obtained those high numbers without cheating on their significant other. Needless to say if they obtained the numbers while they were supposedly in a commited relationship they aren't going to meet my standards, call it being overly moral(which is ludicrous), but I call it simply not wanting a person who has made infidelity a habit.

2) As an individual you have a different standard for sex i.e. done in a commited relationship and not just a whirlwind night of humping with an annonymous person. I've never viewed sex as the later and I would prefer my mate didn't as well. If they don't view sex as something special in a commited relationship that's fine, but I'm not that kind of guy. There are plenty who are, but it's not me. I don't think that's being narrowminded I think that's just having an honest idea of what you want and settling for something else only undermines the relationship from the get go.


Now if given both those things are true it would be hard to reason out WHY a person that had an "above average" number of sexual partners. As if they contended the sex was in a commited relationship but just had LOTS and LOTS of those relationships over the years, that would show a trend that I don't feel I should be wasting my time with. That one person just isn't who I'm looking for just as I'd imagine I wouldn't be who they were looking for if our beliefs on something that basic were so drastically different.

At least that's how I see it. He might have totally different reasoning behind his stance.

Lockjaw, on the issue of infidelity I totally agree with you. Although in this situation infidelity is an assumption you are making based on a high number. I disagree that they must go hand in hand and will therefore leave that right alone. Your second point is muddled with the first and again assumes infidelity so I'm not sure how that differs from the first.

I agree in principal with the "different standard" of sex. However, you are making a rather weighty decision based on assumptions that only have the number of sexual partners as a basis. I will say again, this person that you care enough about to consider a sexual relationship is the same person before and after you became aware of the "number." What attracted you to that person in the first place has not changed. These situations are not as easy as black and white; to treat it as such would be naive.

Here's another thought for those that consider a high number of partners to equal an experienced lover. Throughout my college life I had many partners. Many of you would classify it as a "high number." However, I grew more sexually when I was in one committed relationship after school for 4+ years than I ever did jumping from dorm to dorm in school. Therefore I believe that even someone who has had only one lover can be "experienced."

Personally, I feel that "how many " is really not the question to ask regarding "slutdom"
just because a woman enjoys sex should not cause her to be labeled negatively- in fact, I think that I and most of my male, (hell, the female ones too) friends would like to advocate strongly for sexual experimentation to be an expected part of any male or females early adult lives- the thing that makes a woman , or a man, a slut, imho, is whether she or he CHEATED on any of their partners- sorry, but cheating is something I cannot abide, and feel that if someone cheats, unless there is a MAJOR life changing event, they are always going to be damned untrustworthy and a major relationship risk......I have many friends that have had partners with high "numbers" and the deciding factor has not once been whether he or she had fucked a lot of people before- it has however often been whether he or she had fucked around on a previous partner....... those people, I have sadly found from personal experience, can in the words of shakespere "smile and smile, and still be a villian"

An important point to make, this is not about experience, this is about number of partners.

bigger number of partners does not equal more sex had
bigger number of partners does not equal more experience

in fact you would become more experienced taking a few partners and really exploring each other, which takes time, commitment and trust.

The second doesn't mix with infidelity at all. It's totally based upon me having a different opinion on sex than a person that's willing to have a one night stand. You can have tons of one night stands and not be in a relationship but a person willing to do that isn't the kind of person I'm looking for.
And as far as assuming the infidelity that would be determined by inquiring about how many long term relationships they had felt like they had been in.
If they told me 6-7 but then told me they had sex with like 50 people(and I'm basing this on somebody roughly my own age 24-26) then one of those two things I said above would have to be true. Simply no other way around that.

But considering the other conjoining factors it's not just based purely on number of partners. It's based upon how did you arrive at such high numbers. It's based upon were those numbers mitigated by long term relationships at some point. Before this gets confused I'm making this decision based fully on very reasonable criteria. As I said earlier in the thread I have my own scale of what I consider reasonable that being 3 a year starting at the age of sexual maturity of 14. I'm 26. My current girlfriend is 23. Under my system her magic number so to speak is 27 give or take a few. That's not a small number by any stretch. But it also is some what reasonable to expect a person to at least be able to maintain a relationships that average 4 months a piece per person they've slept with. A 4 month relationship is actually pretty dang short in my book.

And it's not just black and white but neither is it throwing things to complete abandon and not making a some what logic based choice BEFORE you are fully emotionally vested in the relationship. Now that being said this subject likely would come up before anything "serious" happened between me and a potential mate. And what attracted me to a person is generally entirely different from what makes me want to stay. A pretty smile a nice shape and a good attitude can attract me. But if she doesn't share the same basic outlook on life...well gotta go. More people need to think about that part of it. I can easily make myself stay based on the bubbles of the first few months and weeks of a relationship but if i can see it's not going to work why stay and prolong the grief?

Naive in my book would be to completely ignore past history even when it points to a great possibility that person not being right for you. When you view sex and relationships in the manner I view it, a person that routinely has one night stands, or a person that routinely has short relationships isn't right for me. And they likely would be happier overall with somebody with their views on sex as likely I probably wouldn't be giving it up soon enough for them to begin with.

just to point out something

People are not the same when they are 18/19 that they are when they are in their 30's and 40's....I know I would not do the same things I did back then....hopefully the people that look down on people with higher numbers will remember that things done in someone's teenage past doesnt necessarily mean anything as far as what they would do in the present

I want to make a point here...I'm not "looking down on people with higher numbers". Just stating they aren't right for me. Just as somebody that smokes isn't right for me. Just as if somebody who drank too much isn't right for me. Etc...
Well I'll reach that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully I won't have to be concerned about that at 35-40 as hopefully I would have been happily married a long time prior tot hat. But at this point in my life it's still definately recent enough to be pertinent in the decision making process.

Totally agree. People change, people grow (well, most of us ;) ). At some point most of us settle down.

Agreed, and I did in fact make the same point above in a later post.

What's in a number? That has never been a question I have asked. That is something that was part of her past, and is in mine. As long as it's not a question in the present, in a commited relationship, so what? What - you just KNEW how to do that? The main thing is that you have continued to be safe.

Sorry, had to throw that in...

You're talking about history in the macro sense of the word. A single person's sexual history means very little, especially the number of people they've slept with alone. You don't know why they slept with the number they have, you don't know how the other people felt about it, you don't have direct access to their thoughts or emotions, and therefore, judging them is a fucking stupid idea based on that. Then again, judging people period is pretty lame anyways.

This was covered in earlier posts. 1) STD screens are not perfect; even with them, more partners means more risk (albeit only by a small amount). However, unless I've actually seen the STD results first-hand, it's just hearsay. 2) Not everyone wants to be compared to a list of 100 prior lovers. 3) Having lots of partners is a warning sign about your ability to commit.

And come to think of it, 4) what is wrong with making moral judgements of behavior? You don't have to agree, but expecting no moral judgements to be made is silly.

All of these are just considerations, and no assessment of risk is perfect. But it's not crazy to consider the number of partners.

I flat out don't agree with you regarding how much it means. You are welcome to your opinions.

I don't think number of partners is important. If anything, i like the idea of a lady with more experience than me because it means that she could probably show me a thing or two. Besides, as long as someone is safe you really have nothing to worry about, unless your the kind of person who can always find something to worry about.

As for the relevance of history, it is only as relevant as you believe it is. I know plenty of people with chemdep problems who were defacto pieces of shit when they were using who seem now to be productive and functional people. People can change.

I was thinking about this on the way into work and thought of a test.

The number is never too high, as long as you can remember their names.

Or am I horribly old fasioned to think that sex ought to be with someone you know reasonably well?

(Ouch, thinking about it, I fail my own test, so maybe it's not so hot)

:lol: nice zen_tom ;)

Our society is so hooked on numbers. This is just another aspect of that. And each individual has their own standards.

Also, don't ask for your partners number if you're not ready for it. Cause it just might be 1 or 100.

too bad my wife would prolly mind or i would be willing to try :lol:

anyway...i am not sure if you have noticed yet but ppl on this board wont condem(sp?) you for in this case being with Lots of partners be it 3, 30 or 300...

yall have mentioned that ya take experiences with you after each partner you have been with...well my wife is the only one i have ever been with...so at times i wish i had even one additional partner, cause imo i only can experience things with someone that is just as lil experienced(actually kinda less experienced, in a way) as me...so in a way i am very jealous of ya jill and a great big :icare: to ya

I just posted something similar in another thread, and sorry if this has been said before here. I don't think anyone should divulge the numbers, especailly the older you get. No good ever comes out of that kind of conversation, someone walks aways feeling insecure, whether it be for being too dirty or too prudish.

I'm a 35 yr old single woman who's never been married. I'm not constantly in relationships, but I enjoy sex. I suppose you could call me a "serial monogamist". I'm not even sure how many guys I've been with at this point in time, not because I'm a dirty whore, but at some point it ceases to matter. What matters is how YOU view the hookups. If you're running around spreading your legs for everyone who asks..... yeah, that could be troublesome. But if you're dating a nice person, and your'e careful, and no harm done for either i.e. cheating, lying, etc........then why not?

The bigger question I guess would be............ what DOES make someone a slut? For men AND women? is it numbers, or is it the way they go about having sex with people? It's such a grey area, I'm sure that could be debated forever with no real defining conclusions. (shrug)

Good Lord, we're supposed to remember their names? I remember where I was... But names? Naw - I only remember the good ones... :D

DJLaurie, I think the problem with your question is that a lot of people are going to view a slut/man whore differently. I personally think someone who finds someone to fuck for the sport of it to be that way. For example, I know many college guys who go to parties just to find random girls to sleep with, and I think that's dirty and irresponsible and hence a slut. Or the women who don't care to have a relationship. There are girls I know too who will find guys and sleep with them but not be interested in anything more. A ONS is fine once in a while but people who are looking for that all the time, I think have problems and are capable of getting that tag: slut. I don't think people should go into sex essentially eliminating the possibility of a relationship with that person.

As long as you are clean, safe and are tested... don't ask and don't tell. Like most guys, I ask, but I just don't like knowing. We ask anyway, cuz we are STUPID and nosey. We want sex and want to think we are the ONE and awesome. Your having had 100's or 1000's ruins the illusion. Just say "a couple" in the future and both can rest at ease. Just don't slip and mention too many ex's. ;)

I've just learned that my SO had 10 or more one niters (she's 48) and It's bothering the hell out of me as well. and save the "double standard crap", I'm a guy, but I hold myself to the same level of sexual integrety as women and I have never had a one niter. Using the argument that some level of casual sex can be tolerated then any level should be OK. The right number should be age related as well as throwing in a few mistakes of life. I wish I could deal with this new found info from her but I can't stop thinking and feeling bad. I suddenly feel this cheapenss everything about her/me and us. I feel like just a number rather than the special person i am. This feeling I've got now is as strong and negitive as the love was as strong and as positive.

I'm writing because I want to come to terms with my feelings. I've even seen and am continuing counseling. I'm not sure if counceling can help me. Any feedback from this group would be GREATLY appreciated.

I wonder how some people would feel if they were asked the number of their partners and were rejected because the number was too low for the person asking

The people hung up on numbers really need to get a clue and look at the relationship as a whole.....what matters is if your partner is with you and you only (unless youre a swinging couple...but then swinging couples dont look down on numbers) who gives a flying turd what they did BEFORE THEY EVEN KNEW YOU.

If sexual integrity is "sacred" to you...then you need to find out what they did before they get to the level of "significant other" with you.

Why does knowing the number of people she's fucked change anything? Is she not the same person whose company you enjoyed before she dropped this little bomb on you? The only thing that has cheapened your relationship is the fact that you can't get past something like this. If the relationship had value to you, you would find a way to come to terms with this. I'm guessing that your relationship is more than a one night stand, so what makes you think that she doesn't think you're special? She's with you, right? I think you need to get over her sexual history, because there are a lot worse things a girlfriend can be than "formerly moderately promiscuous". If you can't deal with it than she is better off without you.

Jillian, I do not know how many people you've been with in the past nor is it my business to know... what you have done in your past is in your past (especially if it happened before you ever met and hooked up with that ex-boyfriend of yours to begin with).

This being said, I have to say that despite how "liberated" society might be, and despite whatever advances the sexual revolution may have brought forward, the double standards still exist when it comes to male versus female sexuality.
Despite the fact that I disagree with the double standards myself, I must admit that I would find it hard to accept if I found out my girlfriend had been with a whole hell of a lot more people than I have. I am currently 22 years old, and thus far the total number of sexual partners I have had is somewhere between 10 and 13 (I have not kept count because I'd rather forget some of the circumstances under which I had sex when I was back in high school). My girlfriend is 21 years old, and if by this age she'd been with 30 or more people I would have had a hard time dealing with this despite my relatively high number of sex partners over the 8 years that I've been sexually active because I'd be afraid of not measuring up to those other guys she'd been with.

Honestly, I think that the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement failed miserably... Not that I agree with the persisting double-standard that women should remain sexless and "pure" before marriage while men should have free reign to have as much sex as they want as soon as they're capable of achieving an erection, but rather that the sexual revolution was a good concept turned bad--analogous to how Stalin perverted Trotsky's notions of progressist socialism and turned them into hardline totalitarian communism.
What women should have done during the sexual revolution would've been to demand that men adhere to the same rigorous standards that women were being held to. Women should have said "hey... if you want us to remain 'pure' and 'clean' then you should respect us by not going around being manwhores and having sex with so many women while expecting us to be sexless..." or something to that effect. Instead, the message that was sent was "...if men can go out and be pigs and whores why shouldn't we?" and that's where I think things went wrong. So now, both men and women are having random promiscuous sex and not caring for the consequences.

In all honesty, I think that if the number of people a person has slept with by the time they're in their 30s is over 50 or in the triple-digits range then it is just too damned much. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, and honestly I don't think I could ever have enough of it. But if I were to choose between having experienced a whole variety of different partners and sticking to earth-shaking good sex with one or two in the whole time I've been sexually active, I'd choose the latter.
I think that people would be much happier and that there would be much less spreading of STDs if they stuck to fewer sexual partners and really took the time to get to know each other (sexually speaking, that is) so that they'd enjoy good sex rather than hook up with a plethora of different people in a matter of a few years.


I realize that I've been running my proverbial mouth way too long already, so I guess I'll stop my rant now.

And Jillian... maybe you're right that if you posted the exact number of people you'd slept with throughout your sexually active life I would probably pass negative judgment on you (damned double standard again), but your ex-boyfriend had no right to call you names when he knew this information when you two were together and still chose to sleep with you.

Even though you're comfortable with your past you must accept the fact that you will meet men who could be the ideal person for you but will not get involved with you because they don't agree with how many people you've slept with. It is not fair, but that's the harsh reality of life.

Maybe the question should've been "why shouldn't men stick to the same high standards as women?"


Maybe if women refused to date and sleep with manwhores then the men would get a clue and stop sleeping around. I'm a man, and I believe the double standard is wrong... but I don't think the answer to it is for women to become as promiscuous (of not more) than men.

The answer is to stop enforcing the double standard.

OK
 

I can't tell you for sure why this bothers me but it's killing all my feelings toward this woman that I’ve had such a great time with. I also learned that she cheated in most if not all her relationships up till 1990. My own personal history is that I was cheated on in my marriage and could never get over it. Some of that may be the source as well as she may have had many more partners than that. In the 80's she also was quite the partier with cocaine. That seemed to have ended in 1988. So why am I wasting my time if I've so many doubts? I don't want to let go of this one if most of the problem is mine. She's also been single for 20 years after she cheated 3 months into her marriage. I’m trying to cope with this new knowledge, THAT’S WHY I’M WRIGHTING HERE! So save your fucking hostility’s!

hey tomin...have you been with her long? like a month, a year, 10 years??

I wouldn't feel bad at all because if they are rejecting me because of a low number then I'm pretty certain they likely wouldn't match up to my standards either so it's best things get cut off early. Besides it's you REALLY wanted that person it's a whole helluva lot easier to ADD to a number than go back in time and subtract from it.

Agreed that's why this should be asked early in the relationship as opposed to some folks saying don't worry about it. Ask and if it's too much for your ego...then beat feet before you get too attached.

Yowza...calm down there cowboy. :)
But what you should ask yourself and her how dedicated has she been in the relationships she's had SINCE then. If she hasn't had a prolonged relationship since 1990 I'd be more concerned if she was ready for a long term relationship more than about how many folks she's slept with. If she's had a few long term relationships and hasn't cheated in them then likely she has changed and the wild child she once was is gone so the 10 one nighters in the 14 years since she's been married probably isn't that big of a deal. However if she DID cheat during her relationship or if she hasn't had any long termers...then I'd wager it ain't out of her system yet and the ball is now in your court. Regardless though if you intend to stay with her you need to either get over it or move on.

Yet people here seem to be having a problem with folks who don't even have a double standard and just frown upon too much sexual activity in their opinion. That's not a double standard it's I want somebody that lives up to the standard I have set and am living up to it.

I've dated her 4 months, I just learned of her past. Her last LTR was from 90 to 95, 3 months into that relationship she took a vacation to Tahit and Fucked someone. That seems to be what she's done in every relationship she's had. (Vacation cheating) In her marrige she cheated from Just before their wedding day to 3 months after saying I do.I can't justify my reaction to what I've learned. At an Intelectual level I completely want to let go of this but theirs a pit in my stomach that won't leave. I have taken some time away from her to try and put closer on my attitude, but I'm worried that this break will be hard on her self estem and end her feelings toward me.