foundation is key? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mandal · 11-04-2004, 12:04 AM

Sort of a poll, sort of not.

My question is how many of you there are in good healthy relationships that was built on a pile of dirt and chopsticks?

I'm asking because my gf and I have been going out for over 2 years and we're happy and everything, but the foundation is crap. I was with someone when we met, a whole mess of shit happened, and then another pile fell on top of that. Anyways, in the end of it all, we're happy and rarely fight. We've broken up a few times for a less than a few hours. I'm just wondering, how important is the foundation of the relationship?

Suave · 11-04-2004, 12:29 AM

I think of foundation as what it's based on; not how it started. A foundation of honesty, trust, yadda yadda, and so forth is important. Whether you were sexually molesting baby squirrels or writing lewd comments on parking meters when you met is not all that important. Well, it might say something about you as a person, but I digress.

Rlyss · 11-04-2004, 01:17 AM

I'm an example of the opposite of what I'm about to say. My relationships have all been based on shitty foundations. One had a boyfriend and she cheated on him with me, another other fucked someone else because she thought I wasn't interested, another dated three best friends one after the other before I came around, etc. etc.

But I believe that a shitty foundation can be overcome if you can acknowledge a few things, some of which might be the fact that the foundation was just a mix of unfortunate circumstances and that nobody knew what was around the corner. And if you can acknowledge that from a certain point, after you've met and fallen in love, that you can start a new life together and accept that those circumstances before were exceptional and out of the ordinary.

antisuck · 11-04-2004, 04:05 AM

I've gotta go with Suave on the definition of "foundation", but regarding the "circumstances surrounding getting together" my wife and I are another example of seemingly having the cards all stacked against us from the start:

- met on the internet (IRC to be precise)
- we were both in other relationships, and our respective partners dumped us (or cheated on us and got caught, depending on how you look at it) to get together with each other
- we only began talking in order to talk about that shared ugly experience, found we liked each other, fell in love, and the rest is history. Been an item for 6 years now, and today was our third wedding anniversary.

So no, I don't think rough beginnings necessarily doom a relationship to failure.

avhg1 · 11-04-2004, 05:34 AM

I have been happily married for 6 years now in a relationship that started on a crappy foundation. My first son had just died and was a few months from moving out of state to finish my degree. Because of all the troubles with my ex-fiancé, I swore off any type of serious relationship for a long time to come. I was having a really rough time with life in general and my brother being the nice guy he is, decided to set me up casually with a bit of a party girl. Just for some fun.

Well, she wasn’t at all what my brother thought she was. We hit it off great and against the wishes of all of my family we became serious pretty quickly. I think the only real part of the foundation that needs to be good is honesty.

st33lr4t · 11-04-2004, 09:09 AM

good foundation here. i picked her up at a bar one night. at first we both never thought anything was going to come from it since on the surface we are very different people. so we hung out once or twice a week for a couple of months. as the days passed and we learned more and more about each other it was becoming pretty obvious that we were gonna end up together. and here we are.

my other relationships all had some shady foundations which eventually had soemthing to do with it not working out.

mandal · 11-04-2004, 09:40 PM

Thanks for the advice guys. This relationship was definitely based on honesty, but i think most of the problems came from us not trusting each other or not believing in each other mainly caused by insecurities. Things are going great, I just want to see how everyone else's experience was. We have no current problems, but anytime there is something wrong it always leads back to the past, it's difficult, but I think it's just a matter of us maturing and not worrying about dumb things.

11-04-2004, 12:04 AM	#1 (permalink)
mandal Crazy	foundation is key? Sort of a poll, sort of not. My question is how many of you there are in good healthy relationships that was built on a pile of dirt and chopsticks? I'm asking because my gf and I have been going out for over 2 years and we're happy and everything, but the foundation is crap. I was with someone when we met, a whole mess of shit happened, and then another pile fell on top of that. Anyways, in the end of it all, we're happy and rarely fight. We've broken up a few times for a less than a few hours. I'm just wondering, how important is the foundation of the relationship?

11-04-2004, 12:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	I think of foundation as what it's based on; not how it started. A foundation of honesty, trust, yadda yadda, and so forth is important. Whether you were sexually molesting baby squirrels or writing lewd comments on parking meters when you met is not all that important. Well, it might say something about you as a person, but I digress.

11-04-2004, 01:17 AM	#3 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	I'm an example of the opposite of what I'm about to say. My relationships have all been based on shitty foundations. One had a boyfriend and she cheated on him with me, another other fucked someone else because she thought I wasn't interested, another dated three best friends one after the other before I came around, etc. etc. But I believe that a shitty foundation can be overcome if you can acknowledge a few things, some of which might be the fact that the foundation was just a mix of unfortunate circumstances and that nobody knew what was around the corner. And if you can acknowledge that from a certain point, after you've met and fallen in love, that you can start a new life together and accept that those circumstances before were exceptional and out of the ordinary.

11-04-2004, 04:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
antisuck Tilted Location: Tacoma, WA, USA, Earth	I've gotta go with Suave on the definition of "foundation", but regarding the "circumstances surrounding getting together" my wife and I are another example of seemingly having the cards all stacked against us from the start: - met on the internet (IRC to be precise) - we were both in other relationships, and our respective partners dumped us (or cheated on us and got caught, depending on how you look at it) to get together with each other - we only began talking in order to talk about that shared ugly experience, found we liked each other, fell in love, and the rest is history. Been an item for 6 years now, and today was our third wedding anniversary. So no, I don't think rough beginnings necessarily doom a relationship to failure.

11-04-2004, 05:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
avhg1 Insane Location: MD	I have been happily married for 6 years now in a relationship that started on a crappy foundation. My first son had just died and was a few months from moving out of state to finish my degree. Because of all the troubles with my ex-fiancé, I swore off any type of serious relationship for a long time to come. I was having a really rough time with life in general and my brother being the nice guy he is, decided to set me up casually with a bit of a party girl. Just for some fun. Well, she wasn’t at all what my brother thought she was. We hit it off great and against the wishes of all of my family we became serious pretty quickly. I think the only real part of the foundation that needs to be good is honesty.

11-04-2004, 09:09 AM	#6 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	good foundation here. i picked her up at a bar one night. at first we both never thought anything was going to come from it since on the surface we are very different people. so we hung out once or twice a week for a couple of months. as the days passed and we learned more and more about each other it was becoming pretty obvious that we were gonna end up together. and here we are. my other relationships all had some shady foundations which eventually had soemthing to do with it not working out.

11-04-2004, 09:40 PM	#7 (permalink)
mandal Crazy	Thanks for the advice guys. This relationship was definitely based on honesty, but i think most of the problems came from us not trusting each other or not believing in each other mainly caused by insecurities. Things are going great, I just want to see how everyone else's experience was. We have no current problems, but anytime there is something wrong it always leads back to the past, it's difficult, but I think it's just a matter of us maturing and not worrying about dumb things.