No sex with wife in a year. Having an affair.
 

My wife who in every other way is a good wife. She is a good mother and I do love her. The problem is that the longer we have been married the longer are the times between sex. I just celebrated my birthday and it has been a year since we had sex. I've started having an affair with a coworker who is OK with just having sex with no commitment. She is the most incredible partner I've ever had but I would do anything to have with my wife what I have with my lover. Why is it some women loose interest in sex? Before we stopped having sex we never had any problems.

Have your wife's looks deteriorated since you got married? The reason I ask is, a while back my wife gained a bit of weight and our sex life sort of went in the shitter for a while. She wasn't happy with how she looked and didn't feel sexy. Nothing I could do or say could convince her that I still found her attractive and wanted to be with her. Since then my wife has slimmed back down and everything is fine.

I'm sure there could be a million other reasons, but there's my little bit of experience. At any rate, good luck and I hope you are able to work through it.

Have you talked to your wife?

Has anything changed with you? Have you talked with your wife? Have you had kids? Has anything changed with your wife's career? Have you talked with your wife?

I'm hate to preach, but, I'm gonna anyhow, I have to say that having an affair with a co-worker is playing with fire.

Does not compute.
I don't mean to judge you but, "in sickness and in health," man. Now not only have you cheated on her, but if you love her, you have to tell her about it. How do you think THAT will affect your sex life with her? I know life is hard, and a marriage isn't all cut'n'paste and tracing the lines. But you accepted the challenge of the marriage when you said, "I do." That means it is your responsibility, obligation even, to be upfront and honest with your wife at all times.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have to know that you have wronged your wife. If you love her, you know what to do. If not, at least divorce the poor woman so she's not living a lie.

City of Angels is right IMO. I understand that people can cheat and "love" at the same time, because I've been on your wife's end of things.

The other thing is that the coworker affair is very, very risky, and I've seen some lives get destroyed from infidelity that gets outed and leads to divorce. If you want to get your life back with your wife, you gotta put some work into it.

One possibility is that your wife kind of knows about the other woman with some kind of 6th sense shit, just judging by how you're acting. A lot of times women will stay with a guy out of loneliness, kids or whatever even if they have that nagging feeling that they're getting screwed.

I know it's got to be depressing as hell to be with someone who's not interested sexually. But if you're not willing to dump the affair for moral reasons, end it for practical reasons - it could potentially fuck your whole life that you'd worked on through the marriage.

I may get some shit for this, but after a year, I say sow your oats where you can. However, I would have told her about how I was feeling, that is, I'm looking at, and I'm interested in other women. I would have allowed her to attempt to rescue your sex life. If she balked, I would have been brazen enough to ask for gas money to get over to the other woman's house! She may deserve this stepping out, but she doesn't deserve being lied to.

I don't know the full story, so take that with a grain o' salt!

Cheating for any reason is one of the lowest things you can do to another person and there is no amount of reasoning that makes it logical or ok. That is the ultimate violation in trust and IMO respect.

You seriously need to talk to your wife about this situation and find out where her head is at. In fact I'd suggest some marital counseling post haste because odds are it's not just her deciding she's tired of sex all of a sudden. There is something emotional that is causing this and like others have said it could be something as "simple" as her not feeling sexy anymore or something much more damaging.

The next thing you need to do is break this affair off. I can't think of anything worse than getting into an affair with your co-worker. It's bad enough if you are two single people dating on the side. Most companies even have policies against such things. This is doublely dangerous as your mistress right now might only see it as sex but she just as easily could start getting more serious feelings and intentions towards you and she might not like it when you eventually spurn her. If you get out now you might just lose a friend. If you wait until the inevitable to occur you just might lose your wife you say you love, your job because your boss might not look to kindly on an intraoffice affair going on that if exposed will likely start all kinds of crap in the office, and worse yet your children.

That's something I don't think most adulterers think about their kids. And about how this could damage their lives not only now as a child but in the future as an adult.
When you look in your child's eyes today think about how badly it would hurt them when they hear about mommy and daddy breaking up. Think how much it will hurt them in the future when they eventually find out about WHY mommy and daddy broke up and how resentful they likely will feel towards you. Some cheap sex with some office skank isn't worth blowing your life up for it never is.

At least try to work this thing out every marriage deserves the same amount of effort to save it than it does to destroy it(and cheating and not getting caught is going to take a lot of work). Then after you've given it your all and it still isn't working divorce her but you at least owe her the respect of not cheating on and lying to her.

Dude, cheating is never the answer. If she(your wife) finds out, think about her. She will kick you out, not let you see your kids, etc. Is cheating worth it? Think about that. My wife goes on stints where she doesn't want sex, but I've never cheated on her, and we've been together 14 years. Not that I'm judging you, but you have to think about your family first.

Hmmm... maybe she's been cheating on him? No sex in a year? That's a red flag for all sorts of things! You better talk to her ASAP! You know the old song... who's making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?

If you have talked to her and she still hasn't tried to fix things between you, then you just need to be up front with her that you're getting sex on the side. She really shouldn't have a problem with it if she's not interested in you like that anyway. I don't think that's much of a marriage but if you guys can separate it out like that, then go for it. Whatever works for you.

I agree that cheating is horrid... but come on a year without sex with him not doing anything (seemingly wrong) is just as horrid.

If she stops putting out she can not expect you just to beat off all time. I blame her for your straying.

Its horrid but it's not uncommon.

And Redgirl I kind of don't think that would really fix or make the situation better if he just told her he's planning on getting some on the side if she doesn't start putting out. While she might not be interested in him like that(can't imagine her just losing interest without any sort of reason) but that shouldn't give him carte blanche to violate his marriage vows. If he talks to her and she doesn't come around they need to get a divorce. The outside sex is only going to cause resentment amongst somebody. If she doesn't resent him for actually going out and having sex with another woman I wouldn't doubt that eventually his mistress starting to feel resentment about doing all the wifely duties so to speak but not getting any of the benefits.
I've seen it happen too many times. Guy gets a girl on the side because his woman isn't satisfying his "needs", girl on the side claims she is ok with just sex, thing go fine for 6 months to a year, girl on the side gets tired of being the girl on the side and wants something more. Girl on the side start presuring the guy to break it off with his main woman. He doesn't and things get nasty from there. And that was just with the dating couples I know. I won't even get into the married couple that I know that had something like this happen and how nasty that got.

I dunno man, maybe try TALKING to her about it, find out why. Cheating does no good, doesn't fix the problem.

Zim

So if his wife started cheating on him because his equipment was inadequate for her or he didn't listen enough would he be to blame for her infidelity?

This affair may feel good but it's completely irresponsible behavior. Not only will you get no sympathy here I'm tempted to go off on you in a very vitriolic manner.

Cut it off with this bit on the side. Talk to your wife. Do it soon. You can come here and put this post out on the web where for some reason maybe it's made you feel better to admit what you've done. Talk to your wife about it or risk losing her and your children.

Why does someone else have to be blamed? His choice to cheat... There's so much he hasn't said, and it's honestly not my bid'ness, but - if someone cheats, the blame (if that's the word you want to use) falls squarely on their shoulders.

They made the decision to get married, for better or worse... Not for better or until the wife won't put out any more...

Yeah, the wife is not to blame for the actual cheating. That would be blaming someone else for your problems, which is convenient and stubborn. Maybe she's to blame for what led to the cheating, but she's not to blame for a lack of free will. I'm not trying to knock danbiles, I'm just knocking the philosophy of blaming other people.

Be a man and stay true to yourself and others. Decide divorce and move on or work it out with your wife. Quit making excuses.

I'm just saying there are unconventional relationships out there and not everyone has to stick with the one-on-one thing if it isn't working. But she would have to agree to it, he shouldn't be sneaking around and doing it- I'm not advocating that at all. I just think if they truly have no other issues, she just isn't interested in sex with him anymore, then she might be willing to open their relationship for him because he obviously can't go on with no sex anymore.

Looks like the blame here is a two way street, her's for not putting out and his for cheating. Both parties have broken their wedding vows and the blame should be shouldered equally.

I just think it's an afront to her to say she should be ok with him stepping out since she hasn't put out in a year. Even if she isn't feeling sexual towards him anymore I don't think that's really the right thing to say that she should be ok with that type of thing. See what I'm saying?

Where in the wedding vows does it say thou must puteth out on demand....th. :) I must make sure I get that in my vows if so. lol

It's interesting that you didn't mention having tried to talk to your wife about it.

Woah wait... Where exactly in the wedding vows does it say that she needs to put out?

Oh, Lockjaw already said this. High five, Lockjaw :D

It doesn't say in any vows that either party needs to put out. But come on.....it has been a year and there are needs in a relationship that need to be met. I don't condone the cheating, but if I was married and my wife stopped putting out and kept me at bay for that long, I would probably have that discussion and let her know it is seriously causing me to consider divorce and find someone who will make me happy.

danbiles, I don't agree with you for your decision to cheat, but that's your business. If you are not man enough to have a discussion with your wife about your sex life together, you are not man enough to be married. Would it be easier to talk to your wife about spicing up the sex life a bit or would it be easier to tell your wife you have been fucking someone else?

danbiles, you need to talk about this, and be frank and honest. You both need to get to the bottom of your complaints, and then decide if there is a compromise that both of you will be happy with. If not, it's time to put an end to the relationship. This will be hard for all involved, including (and especially) the children, but it will likely be less harmful than continuing on in a situation that makes everyone miserable.

And cheating is not an option. You want to fuck other women, you clear it with you wife first.

It is a wife's duty to have sex with her husband, and vice-versa, if thats what they want. Who is he supposed to have sex with if not his wife?

I'm wondering what the wife is thinking. I mean, after a year of no sex she must be wondering how he is coping and getting off. If you're married then you should know your SO pretty well, especially their sexual habits and needs. She either suspects that he is getting take-out, or she is also dining out and doesn't care. Need more info about that...

Yeah, sleeping with co-workers is a very dangerous game. I would definitely put the brakes on that immediately.

It sounds like you have lost interest in having sex with your wife. Ok, she doesn't give it up but if you wanted it you wouldn't have strayed, you would be romancing her trying to put her in the mood again, to re-ignite the flame. The passion has died, and that's why you're "eating out" because it's new and exciting. That's what I think.

And this, kiddies, is one of many reasons not to marry. Ever. ;)

I knew this was comin' the second I hit "submit reply" :lol: Seriously though, isn't sex part of love? I'm not advocating that anyone should put out "on demand", however a little courtesy call every few months shouldn't be to much to ask from one's SO. I do agree this is a sign of much deeper problems, probably deeper than will ever be solved here. If someone loves someone then "putting out" shouldn't be to much to ask even if it has become the chore from hell haha. Are you advocating that someone should go for years without sex even though their partner has lost interest? I know your answer to this will be he should have discussed this with her before he went out and screwed around, and I agree. By the same token she should have discussed her problems with him. How long does she think he will go without before some serious slip? He also should be worried about her obvious dislike of sex with him. This is why I feel they should both shoulder the blame, obviously a lack of communication both ways.

Somehow I feel I'm getting much further into this than I really wanted ......
kinda like diggin' yer own grave ...... :D

I think we've probably theorized enough until danbiles decides to come back and answer.

Go and buy "The proper care and feeding of husbands" and have her read it."

There is an excellent web site devoted to helping couples rebuild marriages that have suffered through infidelity.

Here's a link to the opening of that discussion. It's a good read for those interested enough in understanding why it happens and how you might actually overcome it.

For those seeking more elightenment there is also a substantial amount of information on how to make your marriage affair proof. Tool around the site...if this helps even one person/couple here then it was worth me posting it.

Marriage Builders

I don't get how it's cheating when he doesn't have a sex partner to cheat on.

Harsh judgement shouldn't be passed without more info. That being said, I've been in a relationship where she lost all desire for sex because of mental problems, stress, prescription drug abuse, eating disorder, depression...as her list of issues got longer the frequency of sex dropped and dropped, till I just gave up trying. I finally decided it wasn't worth it and ended it. We weren't married, but it was like a divorce almost because we lived together and had been together for 5 years ever since high school. It was tough but I decided I was done being miserable and frustrated with a partner who refused to face her problems and get better.

That said, there were no kids involved, and that adds a whole new list of problems to deal with.

Women love sex just as much as men do, but men can have all sorts of things wrong and still want it. I think its different for women, if they lose their desire its a symptom of something else that's wrong. Could be stress, kids, depression, drugs, etc. But I guarantee you she just didn't decide she doesn't like sex anymore, something else is wrong. My wife and I both work full time and have a baby, lots of stress, and never enough $$$ to go around. This week has been pretty bad because I hurt my back on top of everything else, but this morning she told me she's going to rape me tonight no matter what, because she hasn't had it in 5 days and its driving her crazy.

For your kids sake you should try and work it out, but for all I know you have and she's still unresponsive. Ultimately life is too short to be miserable. That said splitting up may not be the answer, maybe you could discuss having an open marriage?

last time I checked marriage vows they didnt say you can do anything you want if your partner isnt having sex with you

He is cheating on a commitment he made to his wife to put her before all others....looks like he's put her at the back of the bus just cause he isnt getting any nookie

you dont lie and sneak around on someone you love....so Im questioning how he can say he still loves her

danbiles, it would be nice if you could answer some of these questions and perhaps give comment on these posts...

There are a host of reasons for why she may not be interested and some are not so obvious. My wife and I have had issues just like this for a while are trying to work through them. A women's sex drive is effected by many things and is often messed up by drugs she may be taking (birth control pills killed my wife's sex drive, go figure). She may also have some form of chemical imbalance that a doctor could figure out with proper testing.

Then there is your actions within the marriage. If she does not feel like you find her attractive or you are not showing her enough affection or talking to her enough. Thousands of things are possible here.

Our pre-martial counselor told us that if I (the guy) was not getting enough sex then I was not doing the right things to put her in the mood. He made it all my fault. While I no longer believe this to be true 100% of the time, I have done enough research on the subject to know it is the case more often than not. So I examine my actions first when this issue shows back up. When was the last time she got flowers from me? a card? some lingerie? we went on a real honest to god date? etc...

Just some thoughts for you.

However, I would seriously consider the medical side of it and I would talk with her about it. Maybe she knows what the deal is. Maybe she does not know it bothers you. Suggest she ask her GYN about it.

Good luck. This is no fun and I understand where you are with it.

I think I could deal with my wife sleeping with someone once if she let me know soon after. In that case, I'd be willing to work things out (although I'd probably "get even" first). If she had a long term affair I'd be through with her. There's no way I'd put up with that shit.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i5033a_qa.html
No offense to people who have been there, but this kind of shit happens to people and they allow it to continue.

i'm not sure that "putting out" is part of traditional wedding vows and to say so is extremely nearsighted and borderline ignorant. she's done her part, from what i hear, and it's downright irresponsible to cheat on her. "good mother" sticks out to me a great deal. i know, that your children do not deserve to have their family split apart (which will definitely happen somewhere down the line) because you can't go without sex.

sex with your "business partner" might very well be the best sex you've ever had, but it also might very well be the sheer timing of it. you can't go thinking that just because you can sleep with a co-worker without her committing, that you can make the same decision. your situation is with you, you have responsibilities as a father, as a husband, and as a friend.

i don't mean to villianize you in any way, but i think that what you're doing is wrong and that, if you want your marriage to keep working then you need to do the right thing. an affair is always a quick fix, but the problem lies deeper and until you sit down and talk about everything (yes, everything) with your wife, nothing will ever get better. you made a vow to love and to cherish, don't come to us, go to her in good times and otherwise.

Disagree. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a happy, healthy marriage. One can be cute and relate 'putting out' sex to marriage vows, but don't underestimate the importance. Sexual frustration is a very dangerous, destructive type of energy to carry around.

nice title in your post. reads as: heading towards marriage collapse that about half of the marriages in this country went through. in my opinion, you gotta step up and do something about it. cut off the affair and handle the issues with the wife. try your best to fix them. and remember there is more to just sex in marriage and family. if things dont work out then handle it the right way before you start thinking with your dick

There was a ton of very good posts in this thread. The first thing you should of done was discuss the issues you were having with her instead of seeking relief from another woman. Redgirl had a good point about the open marriage.. but that would of required talking about everything first before deciding to open the marriage for yourself without informing your wife.

Talk to your wife, tell her what has transpired with the coworker. I think from there you'll find out what's gonna happen.. either she'll wanna work it out, or she'll want a divorce.. either way, you have to remember to do what's best for both of you and don't forget to let any children you have know that it isn't their fault.. they ARE NOT to blame. If she decides she wants to work things out but the sexual desire isn't there.. maybe bring up the open marriage thing, you can be the judge on whether it's something that should be discussed but PLEASE discuss things with her.

For someone to be sitting there, clueless to what's going on (having an idea but not totally sure is included as clueless to me), that's the most horrible feeling. The pain from finding out will hurt but atleast the wondering of whether your 6th sense is correct or not can eat a hole away in your soul/heart. :|

That's very true, however-- it is no excuse to cheat. Communication is essential in a relationship.

I can see how her lack of interest/sex drive put him in the crossroads of deciding to cheat or staying loyal/talking about it. Its so easy to talk about your feelings, IMO. I guess its not so simple for others.

I'm not so sure its no excuse. Its a pretty damn logical excuse if you ask me. Unwanted celibacy within the confines of a marriage is a cruel arrangement bordering on abusive neglect. I agree completely on the importance of communication at all points in a relationship.

While I agree that sexual relations are a major part of any healthy relationship, not getting any doesn't give you the excuse to cheat or have an affair, PERIOD. Doing so is a violation of the vows you gave to each other before God (or whatever diety you worship... or before the world, I suppose, if you're athiest.)

Abusive neglect? You've got to be kidding me. That's an excuse to do things behind your wife's back, like fucking another woman? And people wonder why the world is going down the tubes... The answer's pretty obvious to me. It's a complete lack of moral obligations by some parties. You don't go behind your partner's back and do things... you talk about the things and resolve to fix them however possible. You don't blame the other party for "abusive neglect" just because you're not getting a nut every now and then... and you don't use it as an excuse if you get caught.

Instead of spending time with another woman, why don't you try spending time with the one you committed your life to, and try to find out what is going on that makes her not want to have sex? If it's fixable, which it will be in 99% of situations, then you help fix it however you can. If not, you can then start looking into separation/divorce or an open marriage. Cheating, however, is the lazy and easy way out, and is not the thing a real man would do to a woman to which he's committed himself.

It's not logical. It's an excuse nothing more. LOGICALLY speaking he should have brought up the issue. LOGICALLY they should have seeked outside mediation. LOGICALLY if none of the above worked they should have divorced.
Screwing around on your partner is not logical.
Now as far as unwanted celibacy bordering on neglect...again I bring up the hypothetical of what if his wife started stepping out on him because she felt he was "emotionally distant" and unable or unwilling to fulfill her needs as a woman? I have a feeling if he came in here posted that as a reason and said his wife was cheating on him you likely wouldn't be so ready to accept that as being logical enough to warrant her nefarious behavior.

I think we scared danbiles away.
Anyways, I think we can all agree on one thing: Communication is your goal, and one of the most important things to implement into your marriage.
That means even if you're going to cheat, make sure she knows about it. That way SHE can make the choice to be with a cheater or not, NOT you. If you're tempted to cheat, make sure she knows about it. Maybe she'll take it as a wake-up call and it might open up the lines of communication between you two even more, letting her tell you WHY she hasn't desired sex in a year.

Whatever you do: Do NOT lie to her. Do NOT keep secrets from her. If you want to get nookie on the side, you might as well divorce her and become single again. Quit playing her for a fool.

And to those who say it's HER fault that he's cheating: * <-- Pretend that star is me flipping you off. I'm serious; how can SHE be to blame for HIS actions that she doesn't even know he's doing? If she knew about it and stayed with him anyways, then MAYBE that argument could develop some credibility. But until then, and I say this with all my heart and soul, quit talking out of your ass.

For all of you who don't think that his not getting sex for a year from his wife is such a big deal, you may want to do a little research. I would recommend starting with one of the best marriage and family books I have ever read titled His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-proof Marriage by William F. Harley, Jr. In it, you will discover that a man's #1 need from his marriage is Sexual Fulfillment. In fact, there is a whole chapter dedicated to this. It is not a little thing.

It is a proven fact that the #1 reason men cheat is that they are not getting taken care of at home. Period.

Rather than pointing fingers at him over having the affair, it would be better to look for the reasons that the sex has stopped in the first place. That fault could be his, hers or, the more likely answer, theirs together. Once that reason is addressed, the problem will likely go away.

Of course, then he or they will have to deal with the affair...

What if he has, to no avail?
What if they tried this already and it failed?[/QUOTE]

What if they have kids and don't want to break up the family?

I wouldn't blame her in the least. Why would her needs be any less important than his? I'm talking about basic human needs. If they aren't met within the marriage, then logically, they will be met outside the marriage.

I wouldn't limit this to only men.

Then they get what they deserve - that's not a reason to stay married and it makes for a lousy marriage. Kids aren't stupid, they'd see that mom and dad aren't happy together.

I find it pretty amusing that danbiles started this thread, and then some rather strong opinions were expressed, and he appears to have left down.

I don't know about that, depends on the age group I'd imagine. Some men, I've met a bunch, are trying to relive their youth, they're losing some hair, and go and find some sweet young thing to make them feel young again.

The real reason why people cheat, is BECAUSE THEY CAN.

Sorry I repeat what others have said, this thread got me thinking a lot of thoughts I wanted to get down before wading through all the other comments.

No sex for a year - no sex in a couple of weeks would probably warrant a semi serious conversation between my husband and I. Women need to feel that the relationship is good on all levels before they enter the sexual aspect of it. Communication is key, have you asked her why she is not interested? Dig deep, encourage her to talk.

I also wonder if it is possible she is depressed. This would explain a lot of things. Sometimes depression doesn't look like the steriotypical depression that we would expect (I had insomnia and a lot of permiscious sex when I was depressed). But lack of sex drive can definetly be a symptom.

I any case YOU HAVE TO TALK. It can be hard, it can be painfull, but without comminication any relationship is key.

And IMO there is never an excuse for an affair. There are plenty of ways to get yourself off and maybe you should be putting that energy into saving your relationship.

Im not saying kids are stupid and don't pick up on stuff, but I think there is something to be said for keeping a family together under less than perfect circumstances. Its the easiest thing in the world to just cut and run; its a copout. If there are no kids involved, ok fine get a divorce. But I think there's a responsibility for both parents to be there fulltime for the kids.

I know a woman who waited till her mid-60's to divorce her husband, for the sake of her children. She waited until they were educated and self-sufficient before she divorced their dad.

An unhappy marriage makes for unhappy kids; trust me, I would know.

A cheating dad followed by a nastier divorce makes for unhappy and very very BITTER kids... trust me, I would know.

I'm dealing with the fallout of my stepfather cheating on my mother, and the subsequent divorce. My brother and sister (both from the stepfather and mother's marriage) are both going to need therapy because of it.

Keeping a family together under less than perfect circumstances is perfectly acceptable. Keeping a family together and subjecting the kids to hearing mommy and daddy fight every night isn't.

I do not believe in staying married for the kids sake....no kid should have to spend years watching their parents be miserable, it doesnt teach them anything useful, ....its highly unfair to everyone involved...parents can still be there for their kids even if divorced

Divorced, both parents can be there full time for the kids, and each happy in their lives. If they stay together, dad's running around, not spending much time at home, mom's pissy because dad's off shagging the lasted sweet young thing... (Gawd, do I have an active imagination?) Naw, staying together, when both parties are miserable --is just wrong... It's a copout to stay together because it's easier -- and they don't have to deal with the issues

As a kid that gew up in a divorced marriage I can completely agree that it is possible to have a great upbringing without both parents being there all the time. I would prefer being with my mother and father alone at different time while they're HAPPY as apposed to them both being around but being miserable with each other. When you're a child and your mommy and daddy are fighting, you feel like you're doing something wrong or that you should be doing something to stop all of the bullshit. Kids are not stupid - they can tell when things are tense... you can try and hide it, but the sense of tension alone is enough to make growing up alot harder than it should be.

Note that I did not say it was the ONLY reason, just the top reason. There are other reasons too. Andno, I would not limit this reason to men either however, the top reason women have affairs is that they are looking for affection because they are not getting that at home anymore.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I applaud you for seeking to make yourself happy when your partner will not. In all reality, though, you've screwed up your marriage. While you can attempt to reconcile and make everything right again, unless your wife is of the belief that we are all animals and the 70 years on this earth is all we have for ourselves, you're done.

A year ? what person goes a year without sex ?

Ever consider the thought that wifey is getting some side action of her own, hence her disinterest in sex with you?

Well - -it's not been by choice... and it's been well over a year .. :(

Why assume the worst?

Has anyone ever heard of an "open marriage" really working? My wife and I have a very robust sex life. But I have a friend in the same boat as danbiles and I always ask myself what if that was me?

Could I say to my wife, hey, I want to go out and sow the oats since you're not interested in that area? Even if she said "fine", the implications are huge. That would obviously mean that she could do the same, can you have sex without developing feelings for someone? I know I can't. So open wouldn't work for me.

The biggest thing about cheating is telling all those lies. Or getting lied to. I have told the missus, "if you get to the point where you need to move on from my bed, just be straight with me, spare me the lies and humiliation, and we'll find a solution the best we can" An open arrangement might solve that for some people (again, not me). But it sounds too late for ol' danbiles, eh?

I have been with the same woman for over 8 years now and I have to say that for a while we had sexual issues where we wouldn't have sex for a month at a time. I'm really young so this doesn't really go over well and we aren't married. However, I understand where the guy is coming from. Whether we want to agree or not sex is a huge part of a relationship and of marriage. A wife like a husband has certain obligations towards the other. She may not want to have sex but she should be looking at her husbands needs. I don't think cheating is morally right or wrong because I happen to have a different view on life then most people. I can emotionally seperate sex and love. I have never cheated, but if I were in his situation I would cheat, even if she had issues beyond me. I believe it is his wife's duty to let him know what's going on with her and she should be open enough to consider letting him have extra-marital affairs if shes not willing to exercise those spousal obligations.

Hit that shit man,

People can blame you all you want, how is it your problem that she doesnt wanna put effort into the relationship. Face it, Sex is a part of relationships. Healthy relationships have healthy sex. Unhealthy sex will lead to unhealthy relationships. Facts of life.


I say don't listen to people telling you "It's your commitment to her by marriage" Fuck that, she has a commitment too, her's is to keep you happy just as vice versa. You live one time man, make it happy for yourself and ta hell wit teh rest.

Wonder if that guy is ever comin back to this forum.

Ne ways. Cheating on your wife is wrong. Cheating is called cheating because it is the easy way out and a cowards way out IMO. When you get together with someone there is a agreement that says 'we are exclusive' as in our bodies are for each other and not for other people. If you are not happy, that sux but so the fuck what. Either you or her is messing shit up and from what I read you guys havent talked it out. Maybe saying 'gee honey you know what would be nice? my penis in your vagina' Just going out and bustin a nut in some other chick without even giving your wife a chance is like letting someone use your wifes stuff without asking. Just plain disrespectful and RUDE. good job :|

You know what the crazy thing about this is. I forget where I read this survey from, but majority of women who answered this question about cheating on husbands said they would divorce the man if the found out if she was cheating. Whereas the majority of husbands said they would take a wife back if she cheated.

So the moral of the story is women go and cheat!!!

All joking aside, it's a tough situation and I hope you can resolve it properly.

lol never replied to his own thread

I don't understand why women think that once they rope a guy into a relationship they can stop having sex. Being wanted is just as important for a guy as it is for a woman, but it seems like most women do this to guys.

Everything has been said already so..

Damn, no sex for a year. I'd talk to her about it. If there was still no sex even after talking, then I'd ask permission to have sex with someone else. If she had the nerve to say no while STILL not getting it on with the sex, then I'd leave her.

No sense in wasting your time with someone who doesn't care for or understand your needs.

hmmm according to his profile he hasnt even logged back in since he posted this

Wonder if he told his wife or she seen this thread and tossed him out on his arse ....... :lol:

OMG who cares, keep the good times rolling I say....if she is not putting out then why bother? lol no seriously though, there are probably reasons she doesn't want to talk about and you can either wait it out or continue doing what your doing...GL whatever the outcome is

I had the same problem with my girlfriend. The doctor proposed to her to try herbal supplement for increasing sexual desire. She was taking Sentia and her libido had turned to normal. We both are much happier now. Thanks to Sentia!

Okay, so that sounds kind of similar to where I"m at. Except in my case she hasn't dropped the weight...yet. I'm expecting she will eventually. It's frustrating for us guys in this situation because we can't do or say anything. THey totally have us by the balls. If we want to have sex, they don't because they look/feel fat. If we say "maybe you should lose that weight and then you'd feel better" we're not any closer to getting any poontang.
I know this isn't what the thread is about, but it's an offshoot... comments?

Relationships are such complex and interesting things. Not one follows the usual pattern (or our expectations) perfectly. But there are some common things that are usually true, once we dig down and find out the truth.

The first thing to slip silently away from a marriage is communication. Maybe the couple just relies on silent agreements and expectations to much, and when their partner doesn't behave the expected way, they kind of back off doing the things they used to do. Whatever, pretty soon they aren't sharing much but the house and bed.

The attraction, particularly for the woman, tends to go silently away, second. When she doesn't feel that her lover is communicating with her, she feels unloved. (To most women, that's the same thing.) So she looses interest in making love with this guy she doesn't feel loves her. With her lack of arousal, when they do have sex, she doesn't get aroused enough to get near orgasm, and so he feels less fulfilled by their attempts, much like she does. Pretty soon, they're going long periods without trying.

The lack of feeling loved causes them to withdraw emotionally from one another even more. A vicious cycle has begun that spins them apart by degrees.

What our poor friend must do is start over with his wife. He has to court her like he did the gal at the office. He has to tune his mind in to what is happening for his wife, and ask her about her feelings, then ask her again, until she opens up to him little by little. This will bring her a feeling that he cares, and she will begin to feel loved. Then she'll be emotionally ready to feel aroused again.

The big problem is that, having cheated, and over a long period, and really enjoyed it, he will not be able to be emotionally open with his wife, unless he tells her. The odds are that she will dump him the moment he tells her. So when he thought he was having sex with the hottie at the office, he was really just screwing himself, his wife and any children they have.

That's why we call it cheating.

Technically, most vows talk as much about putting out as it does about cheating.

Random "traditional" vows:
Cheating is bad not because of marriage vows, but because of social expectations of monogomy. This doesn't make the betrayal any less, just a different kind.

Admittedly, some vows do go into the 'no adultry' part, but it isn't the most common feature.

Maybe it's just me, but is it at all possible that this thread was started to create an uproar. Previous discussions about infidelity have created quite the fire storms in this forum, ranging from "Kill the infidel swine" to "you need to communicate". It just seems kind of funny that he starts this off and then disappears. Frankly, someone that is having an affair and openly states it isn't going to be afraid or pushed away by your commentary. Rather, I would think they would enjoy the verbal swordfight that this had every opportunity to become.

Just a random thought...

It's not her fault he cheated.

It is BOTH of their faults that the relationship is going nowhere fast.

Divorce would have been the better solution in my opinion...that would have been the only way to avoid any blame.

My first thought is something like "quit banging some other woman and tell your wife you aren't happy with the way your life together has evolved."

My second thought is "your life is just that, your life. I have no place telling you what to do" as long as you are happy.

You deserve the best life you can possibly get. Do you work hard? Do you hold up your end in everything that you do? Do you take that extra step for people - friends or strangers? Then you deserve happiness.

Obviously you have asked for advice so you understand that you need some remedy to this situation. Take the lead and handle it. Whether that means you continue to have a wife and a lover and dwell in a passionless marriage or whether you decide to wake up your wife and rebuild your love-life with her is up to you.

If it makes you happy,
Then it can't be that bad.
If it makes you happy,
Then why the hell are you so sad.

-Sheryl Crow

I myself went for 3+ years w/o, and ended up divorcing because of it among other things.

So I am extremely sympathetic to your position, but you really need to work this out, one way or another, without the affair.

I have a question...if your wife suddenly came down with a medical condition, or was in an accident that made her unable to have sex....would you still be going out looking for some on the side?

What about your kids? Would they benefit from a divorce if it ever came down to it? In most cases divorce negatively affects children...even if the children are adults.

Sometimes you have to have the attitude...It's not just about me.

I agree 100% with everyone who said you need to discuss this openly. I'm not convinced that you have to tell her about the affair...that could be more damaging in the long run. Unforturnately you crossed the line before discussing it with anyone else...maybe you did and decided to go ahead anyways. The damage has been done, now it's just a matter of the extent.

Believe me, I understand your thought process...I've been in your shoes ... you can rationalize every decision. You have some tough choices ahead.

I wonder how the relationship with the wife is other than sex. There could be a multitude of reasons why she has lost interest in sex and they can range from psychological to physical. While this is as good of a boardas any to ask questions regarding this, nobody here is likely going to be able to give you a solution.

I'm fairly certain that fucking someone at work isn't going to be a fix either.

Look, it's both people's fault for this situation. Those that are acting like this woman is a saint are putting her on a pedistal. No, we dont know why she suddenly felt the need not to have sex. It's his fault for not bringing it up a week or two after it started. But it's her fault for putting herself above an obvious need of his partner.

Yes... putting herself above her partner. It's exactly what he did in return.

Is it a get out of jail free card? No.
Did it give him PLENTY of incentive to look outside the marriage? Yes.

For those that claim that sex isn't in the marriage vowes, "for love and to hold" or "to love and to cherish" are the two most common vowes. Hate to break it to you but those were thrown in as nice ways of saying "to have sex with". Not quite romantic, these christian vowes predate the romance period.

Blah blah communication, I know, but that's what makes relationships work.

I went 6 months in a relationship (girlfriend, so you know how long that is in non-marriage time) with her cutting me off. For 6 months I talked to her trying to figure it out, for 6 months I put up with it. I dumped her for that, and you know what? I felt great. So yes I feel for ya.

What I would like to know is, in all seriousness, how did Homo Sapiens become monogamous?

i see this situation just like having an old dog that you love and shooting it in the head just because he doesn't hunt as well anymore.

shame on you.

just my .02

two cents: Talk to your wife. No communication = no real relationship = stupid shit like cheating on one another and making the problems worse = hell for your kids if you, god forbid, have any...

Religion :crazy:

ummm almost.

It'd be more like leaving your old dog at home and going hunting with a younger dog that is willing to retreive game for you.

The key to good sex is washing the dishes.

The number one thing that gets in the way of me having sex with my wife is her being tired from working. Kids make that a lot worse. Whenever you can take over something to let her have a bubble bath or nap or whatever, it will help.

As for making marriage better, mine is 100x better than it was our first couple years together. I started telling her positive things about who she is and how she looks 15-30 times a day. I let her be herself. We always try to be open and honest and accepting, even when there's an argument as a result. When we argue we both started being more polite about it. I try to apologize, right or wrong. (I suck at it.) She started being really nice to me in bed. I started going out of my way to do nice things for her out of bed several times a week. She hates doing dishes so I do that. And when our marriage isn't going well or at least once a month I take her out for a romantic date. They're simple sometimes but always very personal and a little fun. No matter the cost, we get away from everything, just us, 2-3 times a year at least overnight. And every year we get some advice, a tape or book, from someone who has had a good marriage.

Marriage sex can be great. Women just see everything as part of everything else and have to have the emotional stuff squared away before they can get into the physical. As a man I need to get off, one way or another, but for me it's much better if I feel like she knows me really well and thinks I'm an incredible person.

I get the feeling she thought you were. Women are different like that. It happens to all of us married people. Just work on doing the romance and the dishes and the talking and once a week or so try to seduce her like you had never gotten to second base with her. When you do have sex it doesn't mean she's all better just that you're on the right track. Keep doing the dishes no matter what.

Harder than anything else, loving a woman is still worth it in my book.

I know many will disagree with me...

Well neglecting your spouse is just as freaking low. sickness and health huh.

not for nothing it also stems from the wife's selfishness.

She doesn t feel pretty well. She could at least suck him off or something.

Too many women say there vows have children or are raising children with a guy and get what they want, a child and then just kick the husband to the sexual curb.

Persoanly I think you should have gotten a divorce if you couldn t have worked it out but what she is doing to you is horrible and in my opinion is 10 times worse then cheating.

She is controlling you.

She is saying do not have sex, you can not have sex. you will only cum by your own hand.

This is not just physical abuse (neglect) and not just mental abuse. it is both.

The sad part in a divorce you are legally screwed. you should tell her if you love me you will let me go and rebuild your life.
remember 2 of the the main things you will do in this life is fuck and die.

I understand she is a good mom and that you love her dearly as a wife (she has other great points)

Sorry you have to go through this.
but a year is a year.
At this point you may just tell her flat out to her face that if she does not share that bond of intamacy that is formed by sex that you will have to go else where.

She will have to make a decision then and you know what after a year (if you already have truly tried talking with her and tried to help her in every way) the decision should be put on her shoulders.

First thing to do is talk about it. IF she's not going to make an effort, you have to decide if it's that important to you to end your marriage, unless she agrees to have an 'open' marriage, which sounds good and is great when it works, but needs a lot more effort than you think.
Second thing to do is end the affair. It's never a good thing to be unfaithful. Not a good base to have to rebuild on if you want to continue the marriage.
I also notice it's been awhile since the original post, an update of some sorts would be interesting.

MichaelFarker says it all. I am absolutely astonished how only one man in 1000 will realize that, if his woman is not having sex, it's because THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG and if he wants to have sex again, HE MUST FIX IT.

And sad but true, the number one thing that could be wrong is, household chores. If you wash the dishes, pick up healthy takeout, get the kids out to a babysitter, and actually take care of her, she will feel the difference.

Oops that was Acetylene on Kel's computer, sorry.

[QUOTE=Redgirl]Hmmm... maybe she's been cheating on him? No sex in a year? That's a red flag for all sorts of things!
I agree, take a look at all the possibilites. It wouldn't be the first time.

I agree, take a look at all the possibilites. It wouldn't be the first time.

MichaelFarker knows where it's at. He could definitely give some seminars to folks about how to stay married, not cheat, and actually keep falling in love over and over again... it really is about the dishes (or whatever chore needs to be done, cleaning up or whatever), and yeah, pretending like you're still in 7th grade and would die to just touch her, let alone score a home run. Nothing sexier for me when I'm tired. :D

Are you nuts?

NEVER EVER confess an affair.

No good will come of it. Even the experts agree on this on.

I disagree, most things are NOT fixable because people don't change

More than half of all marriages end. Of the half that stay together, I bet half of those are miserable.

Marriage problems, serious ones anyways, tend almost NEVER to be fixable.

You either live with it, or you get out.

Thank you for telling it like it is.

I really really really doubt that his wife is cheating on him.

Sounds to me that she has either lost her sex drive, or she never was really that sexual in the first place. Women who cheat still tend to fuck their husbands because they don't want to get caught and any sudden change tends to set off warning bells. I had a long term female partner cheat on me and we had the best sex of our lives when it was coming unglued.

No, it's her problem not his. I have seen lots of women who lose interest in sex once the kids come along. It's like the mothering gene kicks in and all they think about is the kids and they totally lose interest in the old man. Part of me thinks that on some level they think that they have accomplished all of their goals - marriage, followed by children, so now they no longer need to put out.

You can hem and haw all you want, but talk to married men and half of them will have this exact same story. What's the old joke, "What food can you use to decrease a woman's sex drive?" Answer, "Wedding Cake"

He's probably a more well known user using a 2'nd id for anonominity