Open Marriages: Some Q's need answering
 

I've never understood open marriages, but instead of looking down upon them, I'd rather try to get an understanding of what makes an open marriage, and why to people prefer them.

So if you're in an open marriage, I have some questions for you:
1) Do you love your spouse?
2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person?
3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage?
4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with?
5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever?
6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't?
7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse?
8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with?
9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage?
10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense.

Of course you don't have to answer all of these questions (although I'd prefer it), but if you answer only one, please make sure you answer #10.

Thank you to all who participate in my quest for understanding!

I could never imagen having an "open marriage". I am pretty conservative when it comes to marriage, though. I love my husband and I can only picture myself with him (sexually or not) for the rest of my life.

That's just me, though. :)

From conversations with many people in such relationships, here is what I think they'd answer:
1) Yes
2) No
3) Yes
4) No, because conventional relationships usually sound fairly silly to people who have accepted open relationships
5) Yes
6) Some of the people I've talked to aren't married. Some are, but entered in the relationship as a monogamous couple, only to discover the joys of an open relationship. Either way, at least in the USA, it pays to be married.
7) I wouldn't assume so. All the emotion is reserved for the spouse. So, while some partners may have all the talent, the spouse is the real heart of pleasure.
8) Yes
9) Yes, it's imperative that communication lines are always wide open and transmitting.
10) I'm not in a relationship like this, so i can't answer.

I'm not married but I am in an open relationship so...

1) Do you love your spouse? More than anything!

2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person? Only the first time

4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with? no way. I'll stick to Loverboy :D

5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever? I don't want anyone else but Loverboy and I'll keep it open as long as it's working.

6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't? my realtionship gives me comfort, safety and love. Dating does not.

7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse? Nope. Loverboy is a Sex God :thumbsup:

8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with? Of course! If we're not honest about this it'll never work out

9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage? Of course. If he feels like he has to hide something from me I'll get distrustful and then it'll never work out. Trust and honesty are the keywords in an open relationship.

10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense / 3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage? Yes I most definitely prefer it like this! It gives me freesom to explore and allows me to outlive my sexual urges. An open relationship allows multiple partners and thresomes. One's sexual life is bound to never be boring or trivial which is the killer of many marriages/relationships.

Ours is not exactly an open marriage, but we are for all intents and purposes non-monogamous. So here goes...

1) Do you love your spouse? Absolutely. Rule #1 is that OUR relationship, our marriage, comes first. We find it fulfilling to express our love for each other by sharing each other and letting each other express love with other people.

2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. If I'm feeling insecure, yes. Otherwise, no.

3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage? You bet. It makes our relationship that much more exciting, and it's fun to scope out girls with my husband :) Seriously, there's something to be said for defining the boundaries yourselves and not just following convention. It's challenging, but infinitely rewarding.

4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with? Do you mean instead of with ratbastid? No. Do you mean polyamory? Maybe.

5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever? We intend to be married till death do us part. As far as whether the marriage is open or not forever, it's really a day-by-day evolution.

6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't? Commitment, a promise in front of our community and families to be together and take care of each other, a mutual understanding that we are devoted to each other no matter what.

7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse? It's not like that - it's not better than, just different than.

8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with? Absofuckinglutely. Raw honesty and constant communication are key to making things work.

9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage? To my knowledge that hasn't happened, but it would make a difference. See the answer to #8, above.

10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense. To me, what we have is not necessarily an open marriage where either partner has permanent permission to sleep with anyone. Right now we're focused on one other couple, and we give each other permission on a case-by-case basis to do stuff or not do stuff with these other people. If ratbastid met a woman he was really attracted to, he'd probably either bring her home to share with me, or he'd ask if he could do something with her on their own. I'd say yes or no depending on how comfortable I was at that time. Basically, what our situation means to me is that we've taken the lid off marriage. The core of our commitment to each other is there, but the exclusive nature of monogamy isn't necessary for us to be completely devoted to each other.

My wife and I have been married 7 years, and are soft swingers. Halx pretty much nailed every answer, see his. 'Open marriage' is pretty vague term, lots of room for different definitions. Speaking as a swinger, your partner is always included in the fun...thats the turn-on..so alot of those questions really don't relate to the lifestyle.
Open marriage to us is sharing our fantasies, desires and partners with each other.

This'll be interesting. My answers are close-but-not-quite exactly lurkette's...

<b>1) Do you love your spouse?</b>
Absolutely 100% yes.

<b>2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person?</b>
Yep. That jealousy is outweighed by my desire for her to experience herself and her sexuality fully. But yes, there's usually at least a little jealousy there. Not a lot, in most cases, but some. I've gotten very good at dealing with it.

<b>3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage?</b>
Yes. In some ways it's harder, but it's also more rewarding and more exciting.

<b>4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with?</b>
No. That question implies (and I think it's a common misunderstanding of open relationships) that the openness of the relationship implies less committment and love than is present in a closed relationship. Like, I don't really love my partner all that much and so I can handle having it be an open relationship, but someday I'll meet somebody who I care about enough to keep all to myself. It's not like that at ALL (and, if I didn't know it was coming from a misunderstanding of the whole thing, I might be inclined to get a little offended at the question).

<b>5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever?</b>
Yes, and who the hell knows. Our relationship is an ongoing creation. There's NOTHING static about our relationship with each other or with the current object of our extra-marital affections. Quite the opposite--just the minute I think I know how things are, they're different from that. It makes every day an opportunity to learn from and about each other.

<b>6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't?</b>
A partner in life. Committment beyond the level of convenience.

<b>7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse?</b>
No. lurkette and I have honed our sexual compatibility over the course of the last 13 years, and it's not likely somebody's going to come along who just happens to be better with either of us than the other is. Now, there can be a bit of a "new toy" syndrome. But that's different.

<b>8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with?</b>
Yes. This wouldn't work very well if I weren't. We're not only honest about with whom we have sex, we're also honest about when we've had sex. Neither one of us has pre-ordained blanket permission for anything. The other day lurkette called me for permission, which I granted. She'd been with that person before several times before--so it's not like a "who" thing, it's a "this time" thing.

<b>9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage?</b>
Were completely honest with each other, but, hypothetically, yes, that would make a difference. If your question really is "Is it possible to cheat in the context of an open relationship," then the answer is, "It is in this one!"

<B>10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense.</b>
Wow. Well, one of the things it means is that (as I said above), marriage is an ongoing creation rather than a set of rules to stick to. It's also an opportunity to grow and deal with the pettiness and jealousness, the baser end of our natures. lurkette and I (and the couple we're playing with) have become vastly stronger human beings out of that opportunity. It means I have three people on this planet with whom I'm as intimate as it's possible for a person to be, rather than just one.

That's the point of this thread; to prevent any implications and/or assumptions. I am very sorry if you feel offended by anything I asked, though.

Thank you all for your responses! I am coming closer and closer to figuring out what makes an open marriage. Although there are still some holes in my understanding. If you don't mind, I might come back with some more questions, but right now I have to go do laundry. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask! :)

ratbastid & lurkette, I'm just curious and if you dont mind.. i have a question.

Did you start out with an open marriage or did you decide to do this a while after you were married?

We had been married for almost 9 years before we decided to give non-monogamy a try. Some close friends of ours - D&S, now our "umfriends" or lovers or whatever you want to call them - were non-monogamous, and we really admired and respected their marriage and saw how it might work for us.

I wasn't offended. I really only said that so you'd know you might be in touchy territory in any context other than "questions to understand".

Do you have kids over age 8 or so?
My parents had an open marriage and were nudists, I went to camps every weekend until I was 12 or so.

My point is this, do you care if your kids know? This stuff did not seem to harm me however your kids will know or find out.

My wife and I are heading down this road for the first time recently. I'll admit its one sided right now but there are things in our relationship that permit and since we communicate well, its something that might evolve for us....sooo..

1) Do you love your spouse?
Yes - she is defintely what you would call my soulmate - she udnerstands and fits me better than anyone. I can't bear the thought of not having her in my life - and she is my best friend.

2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person? We've not crossed that bridge yet, but in heading down this path I feel I could say NO as long as it is not in my face at first. Maybe a little longer down the path as it evolves I can honestly say no.

3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage?
I give it lots of thought for sure...I know I am happy in our marriage and don't think I need more than this - but the new dynamic this adds is exciting - not a replacement. I am hoping it becomes an addition for us.

4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with?
I suppose that chance always exists - but honestly I don't need more. If all we're tweaking is our sex life, than I don't need anyone else. I am happy with her and I think our marriage is conventional in all other aspects.

5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever?
Yes I intend on being with her for as long as fate permits. I doubt we will keep it open forever....I suppose we see how things go first. (maybe I am naive, but this is new to us so we'll hope for the best.)

6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't?
As others said; love, trust, comfort, friendship, being with a partner. Dating/sex really doesn't have that same feel. My marriage has so many qualities that one does not get from just dating.

7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse?
Since we've not found out yet - I don't know. I love sex with my partner. Its infrequent but good. I think I will enjoy it whatever but its sex...really how different is it from person to person. Now I KNOW there are differences - but its still sex....and being in love with my partner is something I don't get elsewhere.

8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with?
Thus far yes. I don't wish to rub it in her face (since I am arranging something) but she knows who and what is happening. Perhaps I need to have more raw honesty as was mentioned, but I don't believe I am keeping secrets.

9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage?
I think I need to KNOW. Our honesty needs to be as bold as to be honest with what we're doing and possibly with who. I DON'T think I need to say "going out to screw so and so". The implication and the knowledge is there and that may be enough. As I said at the beginning this has not happened yet but of course there needs to be communication.

10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense.
Its having a marriage and a home where love and trust all come into play - a solid relationship that you share with your spouse where you know you love one another and can share knowing they still want you, but they are just being physically free. Sex does not always have to = love. So I can have my fun but my wife always comes first, my marriage and family is the most important thing, and its her I want to be with always....

Good luck! Hope this helps!

B>10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense.</b>
Wow. Well, one of the things it means is that (as I said above), marriage is an ongoing creation rather than a set of rules to stick to. It's also an opportunity to grow and deal with the pettiness and jealousness, the baser end of our natures. lurkette and I (and the couple we're playing with) have become vastly stronger human beings out of that opportunity. It means I have three people on this planet with whom I'm as intimate as it's possible for a person to be, rather than just one.[/QUOTE]

Wow - thats a great answer! I've never quite looked at it that way to be honest. It makes sense of course - but that does show a lot of trust and growth to be with another couple. Thanks for the thought provoking! :)

Well, All of the above answers pretty much keep me from having to write much at all. Refer to Ratbastid and or Halx. QUestion 10, I'll elect to elaborate on...
Marriage is a contract. There is a sort of "standard" socially accepted contract that specifies monogamy, but the fact is this contract, like any other can be changed to suit the parties involved. Ours happens to include extramarital sex, provided the other is aware and approves. Our relationship is of paramount importance, and should either of us feel uncomfortable, or just plain not want to be involved with it any longer, the issue will be immediately dropped. In the long run, it's all about US, and I suspect the same probably holds true for Rat and Lurkette.

1) Do you love your spouse?
Absolutely! With all my heart.
2) Do you get jealous at all when your spouse has sex with another person?
No, it's the circumstances surrounding the act that are important, ie. behaviour, inclusion, attitude. The "having sex with another person" part is a turn-on for me.
3) Do you prefer your current situation over a "conventional" marriage?
Yes, although it took a few tries to get it right and figure out what was best for us... some rocky times there. We're not officially married yet, but lived together for six years so I figured that counted :) I can't imagine not having the openness to explore all my desires, and wouldn't want to limit someone else to the same.
4) Do you think there is someone else out there that you might meet some day that you would prefer to have a "conventional" marriage with?
No, I think it's too engrained in who I am.
5) Do you intend to be in your current marriage forever? If so, do you intend to keep it open forever?
Yep and yep.
6) What does being married bring to you that "just dating" doesn't?
Same thing it brings anyone I suppose... closeness, sharing a life together... he's the only one I want to be with in a romantic relationship. The rest is just sex, or physical expression of close feelings, and so on.
7) Are there some people you prefer to have sex with rather than your spouse?
No, although being with another female is an entirely different experience... not to say that I prefer it, but it's so different that it's hard to compare, and it's important to me.
8) Are you always honest with your spouse about who you sleep with?
Yes, and it's not like we live the swingers lifestyle... we don't go to clubs and pick up people or anything. It's usually friends and stuff.
9) Does it make a difference if your spouse doesn't tell you who he/she sleeps with during your marriage?
In our situation, yes. We both agree that we want to know about it to at least share in the experience in some sense.
10) Please define what "open marriage" means to you in a personal sense.
It means being with someone other than your spouse in a sexual way. To me that includes threesomes/groups too, but I guess not everyone would consider that "open". It is being able to explore other situations and people while having the intense love and bond with your spouse.