Asking someone out that you know has a boyfriend
 

Good idea, bad idea. Thoughts, concerns..

Just posing a question, not looking for advice.

The responsiblity is fully hers to be faithful to her boyfriend because she is the one with the commitment to him. but on the other hand, do you really want to be that asshole?

If a woman has a boyfriend I wouldn't even allow myself to think of asking her out or fooling around with her.

Hell.... if she is willing to cheat on her man with me, who says she won't cheat on me with another guy 0nce she gets with me?

Agreed.

It is her responsibility to stay faithful to her boyfriend, but if the situation was reversed and some guy was debating asking your girlfriend out, I'd assume that you'd rather he didn't.

no

Bad idea.

ok, so bad idea if your lookin for something long term. What if your like 90% of the rest of the population and are just lookin to get hooked up for a night.

(90% may be a bit of a stretch but you know where i'm going with the question)

Still bad idea. Don't be that asshole.

Put yourself in the girls boyfriends shoes. How would you feel?

Well, her boyfriend should feel betrayed by his girlfriend. If she's gonna sleep with some random guy, she's gonna sleep with him no matter what. If it's not this guy, it'll be the next one.

Very bad idea. If you are just looking to get hooked up for the night go find some other girl who is single.

Agreed, but shouldnt people just stay the fuck away from people who are otherwise involved?

A guy did that to me once.

Don't do it. If the boyfriend hears about it he'll probably kick your ass and you'd be entirely deserving of it.

people who cheat will continue to cheat throughout thier lives.. dont contribute

Precisely.

But see, I'm not the one who would be cheating, she would.

On top of this thought... What if you only think the girl has a boyfriend, what if she really doesn't and is playing the game of making you think she has a boyfriend to weed out the guys that are non-agressive? or something like that?

i wouldn't even trust a guy who would try to do that.
and i wouldn't trust a girl who would agree either.

You've probably had a girlfriend. How would you feel if some guy was hitting on her?
If you do hook up, you deserve whatever you get.

Well said! My little clique just went through this as one of the male members (and close friend of mine) just tried to kiss another's wife while drunk. Needless to say it did not go well!

lol. Yes I've had many girlfriends. To be honest I have no problem with other guys hitting on my girl. The second she goes out with the guy then the trust has been broken and the relationship over. Till then it's funny to watch other guys try.


question to all: Would you distinguish between hooking up with a friends girlfriend/ex-girlfriend and some strangers gf/ex?

Well, if it was the friends g/f slash ex g/f, then that makes it much much worse to ask her out rather than just some stranger. In either case, hitting on someones girl is kinda wrong..but it happens.

and that's really where it boils down. if you just want to grab a few shags and move on with your life, then by all means, go ahead. if you're trying to develop a meaningful relationship, remember this one thing: she cheated on him. what's going to stop her from doing the same thing to you when she gets bored?

this is all supposing that she actually does leave her boyfriend for you, of course.

Sounds like overly wishful thinking to me. 1) No girl would "weed out" non-aggressive guys by telling them she has a boyfriend to see if they continue to pursue. That is, of course, unless she's looking to hook up with disrespectful assholes. 2) If a girl says she has a boyfriend, then she's probably not trying to weed "non-aggressive" guys out (see above). More likely, she either really has a boyfriend, or she's trying to politely tell you to fuck off.

Either way, the point is, asking a girl out who you know is in a relationship with another guy makes you the asshole.

Wrong. She might be trying to weed out the non aggressive guys. It is a very real possibility.

There are three likelihoods when a girl says she has a boyfriend.

1- She actually does, and she has no intentions to cheat on him. You struck out. If she wanted to cheat on him with you, she would bring it up much later... say , after a couple of dates. Happened to me once.

2 - She actually doesn't, but is politely saying fuck off. I'd say this is the most common "Kiss of Death" as it is the easiest.

3 - She actually doesn't, and is giving you a "shit test" to weed out the beta males. This occurs far more often than one would think. You stand no chance with this girl if you aren't an asshole.

I know more than one of my female friends have used this tactic before, whether they would admit to it or not. It seems like a subconcious thing for most girls, as are all 'tests'.

It is in no way the 'askers' fault the girl cheats. He gives her the oppurtunity, but she makes the decision. You read that? HERS. Unless it is a case of rape, then that is a wholly different issue.

But, if you can't trust her, that is an issue between you and her, not between you and some guy that neither one of you know. She has to have accountability for her actions. She would be the one "cheating" in the scenario.

If the jealous boyfriend, who can't even trust his girlfriend, takes his insecurity out on you, then HE deserves to get the ass kicking. Not you.

In fact, if he threatens you, just call the cops, get him in jail and then do his ex girlfriend. But don't trust her.

Awesome quote.

Dont be that guy. Thats all Ill say.

two golden rules to live by....

#1. dont persue a girl who's already taken.
#2. dont persue a mates sister.

end of story.

Like I said, *IF* a girl is actually testing someone in that way, they only want to date assholes. In which case, as phred said, if all you're looking for is someone to have meaningless sex with and an absolutely empty relationship, go for it. Almost all of my good friends are female, and none of them do that. I would not have respect for anyone that would.


You're right. It's her decision. And when a guy asked out my girlfriend at the time, she told him no, was DEEPLY offended, and told me about it for that very reason. I wasn't pissed out of jealousy, or out of lack of trust for my girlfriend, I was pissed because of the guy's display of blatent disrespect and social worth.

I'm not at all clear why it has to be "cheating" There's no harm in asking. You don't know what that relationship is like, and if it's not your friend, then you certainly have no obligation to the other male. If she says yes, I think I'd wait until I knew that she'd chosen to break it off with the other guy before I got in very deep. Fact is, just because she's been going out with someone for a while doesn't mean that she's committed or promised anything, and without that information, I'd have to say don't assume. Ask.

Then I apologize. Yes, it is reasonable to be pissed for some guy treating your girlfriend like trash, but does not justify an asskicking unless he persists. People, in general, are rude to strangers.

There are cases in which the guy honestly has no clue whether she has a boyfriend are not, and the boyfriend is jealous. There are cases where the guy will mention it once, and never again. It always isn't a clear cut case for anger.

I've seen the jealous boyfriend routine way too many times. More often than not, there really is nothing to worry about.

Sorry for a long post, but...

This goes hand in hand with my statement "People in general are rude, especially to strangers". You do have no obligation to the other male, unless he is your friend. She has no obligation to pay attention to you whatsoever.

again, people. if you're propositioning a girl and she's with someone, the simple fact that she would cheat/quickly break it off with him means that, in the future, it more than likely that she'll do the same to you. if you're willing to put up with that, then go for it. otherwise, don't be an ass and fuck up some other guy's relationship. if they aren't meant to be together, they'll eventually break up. let their relationship run its own course.

Isn't this basicly saying that your no better than the other guy and that just because the girl decides to go for you that she's just in it for sex or for something new then? Why couldn't the girl just be more interested in you than her current bf? Why couldn't she be faithful to you more so than the past?

Isn't it fairly unfair to assume something is going to happen based on past situations?

If you already know she has a boyfriend then you're just as guilty as she is if she cheats on him with you.

It's one thing if you're unaware that she's involved and she hooks up with you without bothering to let you know she already has a man. But if you know she's with someone and still decided to hook up with her then you deserve to get beaten to a bloody pulp by the boyfriend when he finds out.

I would never do it personally. I just think how it pisses me off when the same is done to me. I hate that, and I will not do it to another person.

MO.

I'm gonna be blunt sparky..

Yes Sparky, its true. You have a magical penis. Your penis is so spectacularly magical that it can make this girl forget about all other penises in the world. You have the power, Sparky. Steal her from her boyfriend. Now that shes with you and your magical penis she will never think about another one again. She will not eventually end up cheating on you, or resenting you for fucking up a relationship that was working.. no Sparky.. that will not happen because your penis is magical. It will be *different* with you (and your magical penis).

Its not really unfair at all. Its called observation. People tend to repeat their mistakes.

Your Beef Bus wants this girl and is screaming "Park me in Tuna Town!!". Your mind doesnt seem so sure its a good idea. Your going through an awful lot to try to justify to yourself that this whole scenario would be ok. Its really just a shitty thing to do. I would try listening to what your intuition is already telling ya: "Bad idea".

such sarcasim is great. If you read the original post then you would know I'm not reffering to myself, or anyone in particular. Just asking a question to the group. No need to bring my penis into the conversation (even tho it is magical and every women in the world wants it.) ok couldn't resist, had to add some sarcasim back.

Re: Asking someone out that you know has a boyfriend
 

Bad idea in 99.9% of circumstances.

Wow, mental image of Dr.Cox from Scrubs there...:crazy:

Bad idea. She has that boyfriend for a reason. Plus, you'll probably just be rejected, and I'm sure you wouldn't want that.

Who cares if your rejected. Rejection is part of life, you win some. you loose some. But just because one assumes a girl has a bf, do we not give her the chance to get to know us?

Girls don't get rejected, as they do not have to. They do the picking. They will pick whoever seems best, but will always have a reserve.

Most girls I know might be single for one whole month out of the year. The off-time between boyfriends is usually days if anything, and most of the time they already have found a new boy before breaking it off with the old one.

It is a fact of life. They may be serious with their boyfriend, they may not be serious, they may be this, they may be that, but you will never get a chance with them unless you try.

At least you have a decent attitude about the whole situation.

That's bullshit. I've been rejected many times. And I don't have a "reserve."

Interesting friends you have there.... I don't know any girls like that. At all. Are you hanging out with Jennifer Lopez??

You call THIS a decent attitude? Wow.

Very bad idea to ask someone out you know has a boyfriend. It is just asking for trouble. It definitely wouldn't be worth it if that dude came around looking for you...

Personally, if the guy doesn't know the girl has a boyfriend and fools around with her. Not her fault, I'd be mad at her 100% not him at all because he had no idea. However, if the guy DID know that she had a boyfriend, well then he would be in big big trouble with me. As would she. It's just not worth it IMO.

So, what is your point? A woman can go through life without ever asking anyone out. She may not get the perfect male, but she'll most likely still get one.

You may ask people out, but you don't have to. Unless you never actually have been asked out, which is definitely not the norm.

You may not have a reserve either, as you may actually be in a good relationship and don't need one. There are plenty of people like that. But some people aren't like that. All of America is not clones of you and your relationships.

No. I hang out with average, middle-class midwestern girls. Of course, they are aged 18-23 which makes them more likely to be asked out on a regular basis. They like to have boyfriends. They can get them easy. I don't see how this is a stretch by any means.

Honestly, yes.

In a country in which 50+% of marriages end up in divorces, the naivity of believing every person you come across is in a perfect relationship is silly.

There are many threads on this board where males and females admit that they HAVE to have someone around. Don't believe me?

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...0&pagenumber=1

And while they might have someone around, they aren't always going to be with the perfect person. And most people realize this. Of course, you are with the perfect person, therefore everyone else must be too, and that anyone who disagrees is a bitter minority.

:rolleyes:

It's kind of low to ask out a girl that has a boyfriend. With that being said it really matters how much you like her. You don't want to miss out on your soul mate because you didn't make a move.

It's all very well taking the analytical approach to human social interaction across genders, but put simply enough, life doesn't follow logic. You can say that women do have the power over men, which may be so in a few cases, but in most situations, the women think in exactly the same way as the men in terms of relationships, and chasing after them.
The human mind is not a well defined thing, and when you add anything to do with romance into the matter, the sheer number of possibilities that emerge is staggering, even in people who you'd expect to know everything.

Re: Asking someone out that you know has a boyfriend
 

I think a bad idea. I look at it this way. It's only ok for you to ask out someone's girlfriend if you fully accept someone else asking out yours....

In theory I guess you can guage it by that. But who's to say that what one person fully accepts is what society as a whole deems acceptable? For example, would we then also say it's ok for one to murder a person if one fully accepts someone else murdering them or their family member? Some people may have a sick outlook of the world in which it's ok for anyone to commit murder.

Point being, just because someone thinks it's acceptable behavior and, thus, would fully accept being the recipient of it as well, doesn't mean the other 99% of society would deem it acceptable. Look at this thread for example - there are really only 2 people posting who have any strong feelings towards it being acceptable.

my personal thoughts on this are that if the girl is with or has been with a buddy of mine within the last year, then the girl is off limits. End of story.

If she's with another guy whom I dont know, then I go for it. No harm in asking. The absolute worst that can happen is to be turned down. And if I'm not turned down, then it's party time. :)

And from what I've gathered from women on here and in real life, they are flattered by being asked out. Regardless of if they are with someone or not. So in this case really the worst that could happen is to make someone smile for being asked out. Unless of course you (whomever) can't handle rejection and take it out on others or something.

If you ask a girl out, fully knowing that she has a boyfriend, you deserve to have your ass beaten into a bloody pulp.

Are there not other single girls out there for you to fuck?

that seems a little extreme... just for asking? maybe if he continually comes on to her or calls her then more serious action needs to be taken, but why jump straight to beating the guy within an inch of death?

i think, as a general rule, it's okay to show interest in a girl who's in a relationship as long as you also show respect for that relationship. if you show interest and the girl comes to you, then that's fine. but don't try to pressure her or get her to choose between the two of you, that's beyond rude and maybe does deserve an ass-beating.

By knowing about the relationship and still trying to squeeze in, you're disrupting what the other two people have. You are disrespecting the relationship by asking the girl out in the first place.

Having no respect for other people = you should get your ass beat. The ass-kicking probably won't happen, but it would sure make some horny little prick think twice in the future.

I've had to deal with this situation in the past, and it fucking infuriated me. Don't do it unless you like being a worthless asshole.

This is my thinking on the subject. Getting an "ass-beating" for asking a girl out that has a boyfriend is a little extreme. Now if the guy is being rude, or pressuring the girl in anyway fully knowing she has a boyfriend, then i'm all for an ass-beating. till then no harm in asking in my opinion.

timalkin, you sound like the typical over-jealous type of boyfriend. take a chill pill, relax. Just cause a guy asks a girl out doesn't mean that he's going to fuck her. i'd be more worried about your girl if she said yes to the date than if the guy asks..

I wouldn't say that I'm overjealous, but I can make a distinction between a possible hint and an outright action. Asking is an action that should not happen if you know the girl is in a relationship.

Why can't everyone be respectful towards others? If the girl is unhappy and wants to date you, I'm sure she can make her own decision without you saying anything.

take it from me... probably NOT a good idea.

OK I hope I can make this short in some way, but a situation like this recently came back to bite me in the ass in the biggest way possible and curse the day I moved in on this girl.

So anyways my roommate was going out w/ this girl who me and him had met at the same time. Basically he wasn't a good b/f and she supposedly started liking me. Well we became close and she broke up w/ him; shortly after we kinda began to develop a relationship. Turns out she's the whore of my college town. I had to leave to come back to Dallas for the summer, meanwhile she was back in Lubbock and fucked like 4 or 5 of my fraternity brothers.

I blame it on karma. If I had never gone after my roommate's girl, even though we weren't the best of friends, then my friendships and bonds within my brotherhood wouldn't be severed. I'm a strong believer in karma and I advise AGAINST IT! DEFINATELY! If a girl will leave her b/f for you, imagine what she would do to you! This is something I would have deeply thought about before getting involved with The Village Trollop as I now call her. (Can you sense some built up anger? LOL)

The general feeling I'm getting here from everyone is that by asking a girl out, your asking her to be your girlfriend, As such the statement of "if she leaves her current BF for you then she'll leave you for someone else." What if your just asking her out for the sake of going out? From what I've expierenced in life going out on a date is completly different then having a meaningful relationship with someone. Yes, generally one thing leads to another but thats something you can decide after a few dates or so.

Do it! No rings, no strings!

i can imagine the conversation:

'it's ok mate, i'm only taking her out for a nice meal, i'm not asking her out or anything'
"ahhh, well thats all fine and dandy then, heres the keys to my car, give her a nice night"

Anyone consider that possibly the guy the girl's going out with may possibly object to you asking her out, even for a meal?
I have no problem if the guys an ass hole, but if he's a nice bloke, then it's an invitation to a royal ass-kicking.

Say you asked her and she said yes and cheated on her boyfriend... if she did it once... what makes you think she won't do it again once you are with her.

In either situation it would leave a lot of unaswered questions. If it was me... I'd leave her alone or just wait it out.

I will stipulate that just because society may agree 99% with something that it is not a given that the 1% that doesn't agree is wrong. We have billions of people living on this planet and I suspect billions of subtle differences which make everyone an individual. However starting with social mores and accepted standards is what brought us into a civilized society governed by rules. These rules are laws, codes, mores, and accepted practices by the masses. If this man wants to ask out someone's girlfriend he has the ability to do so. Is there a law against it? No, but there is a social standard that looks down upon it. The reason for the social standard and more against dating someone else's GF is due to maintaining the family unit. It goes back thousands of years. I guess what I'm saying is that it is ok for him to be a 1%er who thinks it's ok to date others' SO and he can act on it with the expectation of some negative feedback. He can be an individual who acts on his own accord and will suffer the consequences just as anyone who makes a decision on a course of action. There are reactions and repercussions to every behavior. Those repercussions can be positive or negative. It may be unfair in certain circumstances but it is a nother check and balance which keeps our society structured and evolving.

Do what you want, just don't be surprised by the dramatic and possibly physical repercussions. Personally, I think poking a grizzly bear with a sharp stick is a really bad idea.

I would just leave it alone.

Ba-da-bing! Thanks BooRadley. This is EXACTLY my point, several times on this board. I don't understand how asking a question somehow incrimates you. SHE has to make the final decision to cheat. You're just giving her the opportunity.

What happens after she says "YES" is a whole 'nother issue. And of course, what she says "YES" to. Was it sex? Then it's a question of infidelity, or maybe they have an 'open' relationship and they swing. Hey, its a small possibility, but still a possibility. Maybe she doesn't like being alone and wants out of her current relationship by having a rebound guy.

What are the guy's motives? Sex? Maybe he's a dog, lots of men are. Relationship? Maybe he's wanted to tell her that he has really wanted to talk to her but has always been intimidated by her current boyfriend.

The fact is that we just dont know and asking a question is not enough to base a definitive answer.

[edited for misspelling and more thoughts to be added :-)]