Husband: The Project

[Prince]

Having been married for about a year now, I've the distinct feeling that I am being worked on, molded, operated, changed, and turned into something slightly different. A better, improved version of myself, perhaps?

I find myself being taught new things on pretty much daily basis. Or, being taught the same things repeatedly, since I am yet to fully grasp the superior excellence of doing things differently. As a result of this, I don't feel comfortable to do so much as fold and put the clean laundry away, as I know the end result will not be to my better half's explicit liking.

I've heard it being said that a woman will want her man to change but he won't, whereas a man will want the woman to not change, and she will. Is it inconceivable to let a man just be himself?

I'm not looking for advice as such, just your thoughts and own experiences, if any.

[gduventree]

I've been married about a year myself, too. I've changed some of my ways at the request of my wife, but she has also done the same for me.

I figure it's just what has to happen in order for two people to live together. As long as the changes don't cause a build-up of resentment over the long-term, then everything is good.

I've also noticed other changes in myself, but these have been self-initiated. These changes include being more responsible with my finances, long-term planning, etc. Everything that comes with starting your own family.

[billwood]

Just say YES DEAR and keep doin what your doin.
We all chang over time just remember...Happy Wife....Happy Life

[jay-g]

I think guys should always be open to some change. As long as, its a positive one. Now that mullet of yours, well, i know she wants it gone. But you look damn good in it. Keep it bro....

[Prince]

Originally posted by jay-g
Now the mullet you have, well, i know she wants it gone. But you look damn good in it. Keep it bro....

ROFL

Took me a while, but I got it.

[moonstrucksoul]

Originally posted by jay-g
I think guys should always be open to some change. As long as, its a positive one.

everyone should be open to positive change.

naturally, after four years of marriage i feel like a different person, and of course my wife helped mold me into that person but, it goes both ways.

[sigma1042]

don't give in too much
then you'll just become a pussywhipped male-like being

but certain things should be done for yourself

Be yourself. Stand your ground. No one can change you but you.

Be strong. Marriage is not about changing for the other person, but being yourself and sharing your world with them.

[sixate]

Originally posted by Prince
Is it inconceivable to let a man just be himself?

Unfortunately, 95% of women just can't let their guy be themselves. That's why relationships never last for me. Because when a girl starts to try to change everything about me, I'm gone. Let's face a fact. She wouldn't try changing you if she really liked/loved you for who you are, and that includes the good with the bad.

Luckily, my current girlie likes me for who I am. She isn't the type to try to change me, and that's one of many reasons why I'm so crazy about her. I'm sure there are a few things she'd like me to change about myself, but she'd rather I be the one who wants to change.

[ratbastid]

Having been married now for eight-going-on-nine years, I can say for certain that I'm not at all the person I was on my wedding day. I hardly even recognize that guy.

Now, being married certainly isn't the only contributing factor there. I've grown up enormously since then. I've participated in some amazing education that's made a huge difference in my life, I've become a professional and an entrepeneur, and yes, I'm a husband. I'm a whole person, is my point, and ALL whole people change. It's nothing to be afraid of. Definitely nothing to resist.

[txlovely]

Originally posted by gduventree
I've been married about a year myself, too. I've changed some of my ways at the request of my wife, but she has also done the same for me.

I figure it's just what has to happen in order for two people to live together. As long as the changes don't cause a build-up of resentment over the long-term, then everything is good.

I've also noticed other changes in myself, but these have been self-initiated. These changes include being more responsible with my finances, long-term planning, etc. Everything that comes with starting your own family.

Everyone has things about them that can be improved upon and I think gduventree is hitting on the right points - it has to work both ways. Marriage is about growing together.

[skysooner]

Sure, I have changed in 13 years and all for the better. My wife has built upon what I had and made me much more socially aware which is a good thing.

[iamnormal]

Sounds like a Succubus to me.

[Rodney]

Originally posted by Prince

I find myself being taught new things on pretty much daily basis. Or, being taught the same things repeatedly, since I am yet to fully grasp the superior excellence of doing things differently. As a result of this, I don't feel comfortable to do so much as fold and put the clean laundry away, as I know the end result will not be to my better half's explicit liking.

It may not be about you doing things better. It may be about control. she tells you you can't "do it right" (and you accept it), then she's the authority. She owns the laundry, and all other chores. Why would anybody in their right mind want to own the laundry chores? Good question. They wouldn't. But I think there's an agenda being played out here -- maybe one inherited from her mother, maybe not. She's going to own the house, you're going to do things there her way. Is it partnership? No. Is it going to bring you closer together? Probably not. But it _is_ all about her controlling you by pitching a bitch every time you try to assert yourself around the house. You may want to think about this, where it's going, and why.

Do spouses change each other in good ways? Absolutely. But what about this seems good, or even reasonable?

[doncalypso]

From what I've observed, it seems that women in western cultures are always out to change and "improve" their men rather than work on the relationship.

[Charlatan]

A big part of the whole equation is that it is two people growing old and interacting on a daily basis...

Mutual change is inevitable.

[MSD]

I'm constantly changing myself. I barely recognize the old me, whether it's a year ago or ten years ago. Without any relationship, nevermind marriage, I improve myself. I take advice from others, but I won' tmake a change unless I honestly believe that it will make me a better person.

Originally posted by doncalypso
From what I've observed, it seems that women in western cultures are always out to change and "improve" their men rather than work on the relationship.

That's because of the misconception that everything is a man's fault.

[qtpye4u84]

yup happy wife happy wife is true!!!!!!! I mean when i ask my hubby to wash his dish he says no some one else can do it and he could of said yes dear or i will do it later, I clean my own dish why cant he do his, If he were to ask me i would say yes but he cant just put it in the sink and hope it will get wasjed by him mom my relationship is fine well it was
now sex is hard for me to get from him cause hes to lazy
he was brought up with no emotion so hes not romantic any more Its like for are relationship to last i have to make him say things i wanna hear or ask him or hint arounf untll he says what
i want him to like "your sexy" "i like your hair" I just want him to make me feel like he thinks im pretty and special

[i8one2]

The day galaxygirl said yes Sir, things changed. she has her direction(s) and I have mine. The very first thing we worked on and work toward, everyday, is COMMUNICATION. We both started our relationship wanting, needing, building to embrace change in our character, and an outlook of what it would take to bring forth these positive changes. In ding so, our sexual, emotions and daily lives has completely turned around and all for the better.

Through her hard work and mine, she now is the proud keeper of my collar and I am the leader of it. This works very, very well for us. CHANGING and molding her, was her dream and my is my mantra daily now. By making her better, I become so as well. Added with some strong discipline, our household functions with joy, love, respect and goodwill.

[st33lr4t]

the SO and I have been living together for 6 months now and i think she has finally reached the "just let him be a man" stage. praise the lord the fighting has ended and life is good once again. why must you women try and change us into this better person. damnit we are men, is there really anything better?

[doncalypso]

I'm not married and I have no plans on getting married anytime soon, so I guess my two cents on this subject won't count for much at all.

All I can say is that today I'm not the same man I was two and a half years ago when I first started dating my girlfriend. However this has nothing to do with her changing me or molding me into her ideal image of a boyfriend---I changed because I wanted to change.

For the last ten years or so I have perpetually strived to improve myself, and to this day I continually try to make myself a better man that I am now. But in no way would I let anyone--especially someone I'm in a relation with--try to mold me into their idea of the perfect boyfriend/husband.

The day I let a woman change me into something I'm not is the day I'll put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.

[raeanna74]

Hubby and I will be married 5 years next week. I have pushed hubby to change but I don't think it's been too much and I really wish I hadn't pushed. (You'll have to ask him if that's true). He says I've changed in many ways. I'm not as much of a nag either as I was to begin with. One reason I nagged so much is because I felt neglected. It was a rough time for us. We got married, moved, I got pregnant, and was working full time teaching as well as part time in day care after school. Hubby was only working part time and didn't do much around home. I felt a lot of resentment and nagged as a result. We've come to a happy medium in a way. He helps more (Actually a lot more) and I nag much less. Sometimes when I want something done I'll just put it on his desk and he'll find it. I'm not vocally bugging him to do it - I think of it as helping him remember to do it. When he does do things for me I try my hardest to thank him. Also if there is anything I'm not satisfied with about the job he did I will try not to say anything and if I "fix" it I wait until he's not there. I want him to feel satisfied about his job at helping me and not as you sound - like you're helping won't be appreciated anyway so why help.

Yes marriage is about accepting the other person as who they are. It's also about compromise. A LOT of it. Everyone needs help sometimes and tends to be lazy or irresponsible at times. That's when they need patience and forgiveness. But if one partner is ALWAY lazy and irresponsible but they just say "Well that's who I am so deal with it." They don't deserve to be married and they put all the responsibility and work on the other partner. The other partner is then forced to be the "caregiver" and they don't get to be "themselves". So who gets to be themselves? Both of the partners - you just take turns and compromise.

I do hope to continue to change to be a better person. I hope hubby wants to continue to change in the same way. I can MAKE him change. I don't want to MAKE him change. It would then be resented and useless really because the change wouldn't last.

We all need to change and improve. We need to help one another see our own flaws since we don't see ourselves as clearly as others do. "Oh the gift to give us. To see oneself as other's see us".

[Jedbeck]

I am getting Married on May 1st. I am now going to have to watch for these things as well. I may become a Stepford Husband or something.

[SecretMethod70]

Originally posted by MrSelfDestruct

That's because of the misconception that everything is a man's fault.

Let's be fair here, it's also because of a lot of "western men's" silent misconceptions and assumptions about what it is to be a man. I wouldn't say it's a significant majority, but it's a majority nonetheless.

[lurkette]

I know when I got married I didn't think "oh goodie, a project! Now I can change everything I don't like about him!" In the course of living together, we both noticed things about the other person that hadn't been issues before, because we hadn't been living in the same space 24/7 before. I'm one of those people who puts back boxes of cereal with only 1/2 a bowl left, rather than throw it out. Annoys the heck out of him (or did, before he started doing Atkins; now he couldn't care less about the cereal). He puts dishes on the counter rather than straight into the dishwasher. Drove me nuts. Some things we learned to change, some things we just learned to shrug off and not let bother us.

There are also just a lot of details that matter more in the female universe than they matter in the male universe (like what color socks you wear with what color shoes), and when you agree to merge those universes, there's some negotiation that has to go on about which of those details are worth fighting over. There's also a fair deal of power negotiation that goes on disguised as quibbling over these little details. My advice is to remember to argue about what you're arguing about (picking up socks) and not let it turn into camouflage for another issue (you're just like my mother you harpy bitch).

[Prince]

Originally posted by lurkette
you're just like my mother you harpy bitch

LOL!!

Yeah, excellent advice from each of you. I do admit I like some of the changes that are happening within me, ignited by living together and working on a mutual life. It's the involuntary changes that I somewhat detest to.

Like, we went to an Italian restaurant, because we had a good coupon for it, and I was looking at the menu and mentioned that I wanted a turkey sandwich, or something like that, because the sandwiches they made in this place looked really good. Well, my better half immediately advised me in a pissed off tone that this was an Italian restaurant and we didn't come here to eat a "sandwich", as I "could have one of those anytime anywhere", which isn't really true as we don't go out often.

Oh well. Instead of sticking up for myself and the fact that I really did want a sandwich, I just ordered some salad they made, which was good....but it was no turkey sandwich.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have been such a pussy about it, and should have just ordered the damn sandwich. But it does go to say a lot about a power struggle that seems to be going on here.... In this scenario, lurkette's phrase does come to mind.

[Yakk]

Rumour has it that lurkette said:
(like what color socks you wear with what color shoes)

There is a colour relationship between shoes and socks?

Damn. I mean, I rarely wear two socks the same colour, let alone coordinate them with my shoes!

I am so doomed.

=)

[Prince]

Hah, I know. My wife doesn't like it when I wear black socks with white tennis shoes and khaki (sp?) pants. I personally don't care, I just wear what feels right.

[james t kirk]

Originally posted by sixate

Luckily, my current girlie likes me for who I am. She isn't the type to try to change me,

You mean "yet"

[hunnychile]

>> My wife doesn't like it when I wear black socks with white tennis shoes and khaki (sp?) pants. I personally don't care, I just wear what feels right." YOU SAID THAT<<

That's Just Wrong, dude. = black socks with white tennis shoes! Yuck!

If she really loves you, she'll giggle and say you look like you're an old fart from the mid-west.

SOmetimes my man has to say, Whoa babe, that's Just Wrong! So I reply, "Damn I hate it when you're right!" It infuriates me in fact - which of course He LOVES. But, It can work both ways. I never knew that until I purposely stopped saying, "See, I told you so..." to my man. Smartest change I ever made.

Have fun....marriage is for fun & happiness, isn't it?