Best Friend stole my GF!

[TickTock]

My best friend that ive known forever started talking to my girlfriend. now she has broken up with me because she has "lost romatic feelings for me" He likes her and he actively got her to like him. not saying he used tricked her but he still got her to like him. what kind of best friend goes behind your back like that? And you know whats worse? the weekend before we broke up he got my gf to invite both of us over to watch a movie. then, while i was sitting there on the couch with her on my lap sideways my friend was sitting on the other side of the coutch with pillows everywhere. i find out now that he was rubbing her feet and niether of them said anything. i mean i sensed that something was up but i didnt want to believe that my best friend would do something like that to me. i was wrong. Also a little more background info, my friend a few weeks before had just gotten dumped from a relationship of like 6 months. he never really showed any feelings of sadness or heartbrokenness. he did tell his mom he wanted to go back to therapy and she blew him off. so could this be his way of dealing with the problem of his other relationship? could it be that he was jealous of my relationship and did what he could to f**k me over? and if the problem is that he needs therapy does that change anything? he still backstabbed me. i dont know what to do.

now my questions to all of you is,

Do you think i should forgive either of them?

Should i try to work things out with the guy that was my friend?

how can i get him the help he needs?

i dont know what to do. any comments would help.

[Mephex]

how can i get him the help he needs?

Wow, you have a big heart. Very commendable.

Though, if this was my friend, I'd have to hit him in the face just once, to let him know that I didn't appreciate it. Then and only then could the forgiveness begin.

It may sound rude, but you shouldn't let girls come between a good friendship. For girls come and go, but great friends are there forever. Or, at least, they should be. But you know, now that I think about that, I realize I've lost touch with all my old good friends, so I don't see much truth to that anymore.

I think you should let them do their thing and move on with your life. Though, you seem to care a great deal for your friend, so maybe that won't work for you.

Good luck with whatever you do, I'm sure it'll be the right thing regardless.

[bparker805]

I celbrated a birthday with an ex and a room mate. Only to find out that the two of them were involved with each other behind my back. We broke up with eachother and ended up getting back together with each other(d'oh!). Sure enough, one year later, gotta go through the same old shiate! I know its pretty painful right now. But look on the bright side, this situation has killed two birds with one stone. You now know that these two people are not to be trusted and do not deserve to be in your life.

[Strange Famous]

That guy doesnt sound like much of a friend to me.

[sigma1042]

Originally posted by TickTock
what kind of best friend goes behind your back like that?

the kind with a larger penis


i'm glad i don't have friends like that, actually just forget about them, thats gotta be one of the worst things to do to a friend, worse than f'ing your mom but not as bad as killing her

[Journeyman]

As far as forgiving them, you can't hold a grudge for 10 years and feel good about it, so maybe just stay away from them for a couple months to cool off.

But you should know that at least you found out your friend would do this with your gf instead of 5 years down the road with someone who's your wife, and you found out your gf would do this rather than being 5 years down the road with her AS your wife. Sorta like firefighters going around burning dead brush to keep the forest from igniting.

[Cynthetiq]

IMHO if you can separate your feelings and be happy for them, then great. Otherwise, learn the lesson and move on.

[skysooner]

You guys are too nice. This happened to me in college. I was dating this girl pretty seriously. We were living together but having a few communication issues. We were close to getting engaged when I left to go back home for the summer. A couple of weeks passes, and I go down there for the weekend. She broke up with me at the start of the weekend and wouldn't really give me a reason why. I find out later that a friend of mine (not best friend but a friend) had been "talking" to her for a few weeks prior to me leaving. They apparently started screwing a couple of days after I left.

Now I suppose I could have thanked him for taking this girl who obviously wasn't right for me off of my hands. I could have also forgiven her. What I did was kick the shit out of him and blow her off when she wanted to get back together a few months later.

Would I do that today? I can't honestly say what I would do. I can still vaguely recall the pain that whole situation caused me.

[AlCap0wn]

Kick her to the curb, and him in the balls.

[Bill O'Rights]

I dunno man, in the end it's your call, but I gotta tell you that anger and hate are two of the most counterproductive emotions there are. What's the point. You could try to take the high road, and be openly happy for them. That's pretty painful though, I know. Although the whole thing just sucks ass, the part that gets me is him rubbing her feet while she was on your lap. I gotta tell ya. I've got a problem with that part. They already knew they were interested in each other, but couldn't break it to you. I'm not a lotta help, I know. I would recommend that you at least try to forgive them, and be happy for them. But, I'd still branch out for other friends, if I were you. This wound may take a long time to heal.

[lurkette]

Originally posted by TickTock
now my questions to all of you is,

Do you think i should forgive either of them?

Yes, eventually, and for yourself, not for them. Hanging onto bitterness only makes you, well, bitter. You sound like a big-hearted person, and I don't doubt that you'll find it in yourself to forgive them both when the time is right. But for now, just hurt and be upset till you're ready to move on.

Should i try to work things out with the guy that was my friend?

If you feel like the friendship is worth it, yes. If he's a basically good guy and this is an anomaly, then maybe it's worth saving a friendship, and you'd get major major karma points. But if this is the latest (and worst) in a string of signals, it might be time to cut ties and find a new best friend.

how can i get him the help he needs?

Clearly he wants help, but for some reason can't get it (finances - is he still dependent on his family?). If you feel like doing some research, you can find him some free support groups or a therapist who works on a sliding fee scale.

You sound like a very kind person, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can grow from it and find someone who's worthy of you.

[illesturban]

Originally posted by Mephex
It may sound rude, but you shouldn't let girls come between a good friendship. For girls come and go, but great friends are there forever. Or, at least, they should be. But you know, now that I think about that, I realize I've lost touch with all my old good friends, so I don't see much truth to that anymore.

I agree completely. Not saying that you should be all accepting of this because quite frankly it is FUCKED UP that your best friend would do that to you but at the same time, what kind of GIRLFRIEND would come between two long-time friends? If anything, it's her you should be mad at because she should've been able to resist the temptations of getting with your friend.

Chew the friend out and yeah be mad at him or whatever, but basically I don't think girls should ever come between two really good friends especially if they've been your "best friend" for a while like you said. If you feel so inclined, I'd just say forget the chick since she obviously wasn't worth it if she'd leave you for your best friend.

Whatever you choose I know it'll be a tough decision so good luck man.

[mr sticky]

CHAUVINISM ALERT!!!!!



Wow you guys are way more self-actualized than I am.

Your buddy screwed you over. In guy code, the jump on a grenade for your buddy code, girlfriends are off limits! You may NEVER date or be romantic with any chick a buddy has loved. Now, this doesn't include one-night-stands and the like (unless said buddy dug her massively and SHE put the brakes on it). But any girl he's said I love you to is forever off your radar. Period!

Now as far as I'm concerned, you could forgive and forget, but you were betrayed! I personally would never have anything of substance with him again.

As for the GF, it's really not about her to me...if your buddy had your back, then the break up may or may not have happened. But if he was a true buddy, then even if she dumped you, he would be taking you out for a night of drunken commiseration and telling you everything that he hated about her, and how she didn't deserve someone as cool as you. Not consoling her before your body was cold.

I know this is a bit neanderthal in approach, but all my close friends and I live by a certain buddy code. It's not written, never spoken, it's just known.

And guys, before you start razzing me on my low-brow approach, picture self as the betrayer, think about your best friend...could you...would you do that to him with a clean conscience?

HELLL NOOOO!!

Forgive the knee jerk approach... but I swear it's how I really feel. I never have...I never will...fuck over a buddy.

Remember, your friends are the family that you pick!

[theusername]

Why do they always blame the guy? Someone realize that the girl also made a conscious decision to allow this to occur. I say fuck both of them they deserve each other.

I disagree about "guy code." But if its a current GF then just WOW. This guy is not your friend and this girl is not girlfriend material. Take it as a lesson learned and be thankful you learned it now and not years down the road as others said.

[Astrocloud]

I've lived this experience. It sucks so listen to sad music and move on.

My Best Friend's Girl
( The Cars )

You're always dancing down the street
With your suede blue eyes
And every new boy that you meet
He doesn't know the real surprise

Here she comes again
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky
She'll make you flip (Here she comes again)
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky
You kinda like the way she dips

She's my best friend's girl
She's my best friend's girl
And she used to be mine
She's so fine

You've got your nuclear boots
And your drip dry gloves
And when you bite your lip
It's some reaction to love, the love, a love

Here she comes again
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky
She'll make you flip (Here she comes again)
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky (Here she comes again)
You kinda like the way she dips

She's my best friend's girl
She's my best friend's girl
And she used to be mine
She's so fine

You're always dancing down the street
With your suede blue eyes
And every new boy that you meet
He doesn't know the real surprise

Here she comes again
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky
She'll make you flip (Here she comes again)
When she's dancing 'neath the starry sky (Here she comes again)
You kinda like the way she dips

She's my best friend's girl
She's my best friend's girl
And she used to be mine
She's so fine

My best friend's girl friend
My best friend's girl friend (she used to be mine)
My best friend's girl friend (she's so fine)
My best friend's girl friend
My best friend's girl friend
My best friend's girl friend

[kurty[B]]

Me personally, I live by the don't fuck a friend's girlfriend, wife, or any girl you can tell he loves (talking about love, not lust here). This is just to avoid any emotional bullshit between a friend and his mate and I.

Now, I expect this from my friends, but eventually I'd forgive them. That said, I imagine the first few weeks/months of such a situation if I truly loved the girl would be extremely awkward and I'd detach myself from both as much as possible.

[taylorspl]

I'd have sex with his mom.

[sixate]

Originally posted by mr sticky
CHAUVINISM ALERT!!!!!



Wow you guys are way more self-actualized than I am.

Your buddy screwed you over. In guy code, the jump on a grenade for your buddy code, girlfriends are off limits! You may NEVER date or be romantic with any chick a buddy has loved. Now, this doesn't include one-night-stands and the like (unless said buddy dug her massively and SHE put the brakes on it). But any girl he's said I love you to is forever off your radar. Period!

Now as far as I'm concerned, you could forgive and forget, but you were betrayed! I personally would never have anything of substance with him again.

As for the GF, it's really not about her to me...if your buddy had your back, then the break up may or may not have happened. But if he was a true buddy, then even if she dumped you, he would be taking you out for a night of drunken commiseration and telling you everything that he hated about her, and how she didn't deserve someone as cool as you. Not consoling her before your body was cold.

I know this is a bit neanderthal in approach, but all my close friends and I live by a certain buddy code. It's not written, never spoken, it's just known.

And guys, before you start razzing me on my low-brow approach, picture self as the betrayer, think about your best friend...could you...would you do that to him with a clean conscience?

HELLL NOOOO!!

Forgive the knee jerk approach... but I swear it's how I really feel. I never have...I never will...fuck over a buddy.

Remember, your friends are the family that you pick!

Couldn't agree more. Fuck them both.

[Jesus Pimp]

Cut off his balls.

[asudevil83]

Originally posted by mr sticky
CHAUVINISM ALERT!!!!!



Wow you guys are way more self-actualized than I am.

Your buddy screwed you over. In guy code, the jump on a grenade for your buddy code, girlfriends are off limits! You may NEVER date or be romantic with any chick a buddy has loved. Now, this doesn't include one-night-stands and the like (unless said buddy dug her massively and SHE put the brakes on it). But any girl he's said I love you to is forever off your radar. Period!

Now as far as I'm concerned, you could forgive and forget, but you were betrayed! I personally would never have anything of substance with him again.

As for the GF, it's really not about her to me...if your buddy had your back, then the break up may or may not have happened. But if he was a true buddy, then even if she dumped you, he would be taking you out for a night of drunken commiseration and telling you everything that he hated about her, and how she didn't deserve someone as cool as you. Not consoling her before your body was cold.

I know this is a bit neanderthal in approach, but all my close friends and I live by a certain buddy code. It's not written, never spoken, it's just known.

And guys, before you start razzing me on my low-brow approach, picture self as the betrayer, think about your best friend...could you...would you do that to him with a clean conscience?

HELLL NOOOO!!

Forgive the knee jerk approach... but I swear it's how I really feel. I never have...I never will...fuck over a buddy.

Remember, your friends are the family that you pick!

yup, the "code" was definately broken. actually, it was totally disregarded, cuzz this guy not only is hooking up with a best friend's ex, he was the cause of the breakup.

i personally would beat his ass. just to make it known that he fuck up was total bullshit. first explain to him that what he did was dick, then beat the shit out of him, shake his hand, and tell him that he WON'T do it again. shake his hand, forgive him, and depending on how good of friends you are, you can either pretend it never happened or just move on.

what he did was wrong but what you did was worse, if your dating someone who isn't sticking with you, you are the one to blame. Eventually, someone else will always come along if you can't keep the energy in a relationship going (which can be challenging in a long term relationship) Nobody steals someones girlfreind, they are just able to excite/entertain/charm them more then you could.

[jbrooks544]

I would tell him that what he did was not cool and that it was a violation of your trust and friendship. I would say "this is not what friends (or best friends) do to each other". I would tell him that you are upset about what he did. I would say that if he was up front about things that it wouldn't be as bad. He should have told you how he felt about her and how she felt about him. He should have asked you how you felt about it - or something, at least showed you some respect. It is hard to define a person that does this to yo as a "friend".

As for the girl, well, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else - so better sooner than later maybe... If she were more mature then she would have handled things better and made sure your friend talked to you - or something at least.

You should talk to your good friends and be sure that you all agree on basic codes of ethics, etc. and what it "means" to be friends. Maybe you friend didn't know that this wasn't what friends do...

Let him know how you feel. Be honest. Don't worry about his therapy, etc. You won't score any points trying to be his mother. Don't let a girl come between you and a good friend. It isn't worth it. Good riddance to the girl and let her go. Your friend is more important - perhaps for a lifetime. DOn't let this wreck that. Tell your friend this too - that no girl should ever come between you.

It could be (always a chance of this) that he is showing his true colors and he doesn't have it in him to be a "true friend". If this is true then that is tough, but better to know for sure. This isn't all that likely though - I would guess.

[skysooner]

This thread is located in 2 spots.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=47729

**Thanks for spotting it, now it's one. -analog**

[kutulu]

Fuck him. A good friend would never do that to a friend. I wouldn't be looking for vengance, but I'd quit hanging out with him immediately. Cut off all contact.

As for the girl, fuck her too. If you have any "embarrasing" pics of her, you should post them all over the net.

[mystmarimatt]

Originally posted by Jesus Pimp
Cut off his balls.

Hahahahaha...sad.

I had a near experience as well, my best friend made out with a girl I REALLY liked in high school, while I was in my house and they were out in the car.

Nothing came about, because they both felt it would have been wrong. I only found out about it this past year, when my best friend finally admitted to it, because he felt awful.

By this time I was over her anyway, and he's engaged and she's already married. So while it stung pretty badly, he let me punch his arm a bunch until i got it out of my system, and I forgave him, and her, and they're still very close friends of mine.

Look, It may be bad, but in the end, you might just try to forgive them and move on, holding a grudge won't really do you any good. But you should also take a good close look at both relationships to see if they're really worth leaving, or even worth salvaging.

[VitaminH]

I was put in a extremely similar situation. Dated the girl for a long time. A "friend" of mine slowly worked his way in. She almost went for it once, then had a huge revalation and pushed him away and confessed to me. I tried to dump, but didn't have the balls. I forgave and forgot. She claimed she hated him for what he did to our relationship and was never going to speak to him again. A few months passed and I got a long email one day about how she had been talking to him again for the past few weeks. I 'sploded and just got a bunch of "You don't know him like i do, no one knows him like I do" crap. I HATE hearing that from girls. There is a reason "no one knows him like you do." It is because he is being a FAKE TO GET IN YOUR PANTS.

Ahem. sorry. So in short she dumped me for him, came crawling back about a month later. I said not a chance and walked away, haven't spoken to either since. It was arguably the best thing that's ever happened to me. I didn't realise how much of a leash I was on with her, nor how much my life with her sucked until I was free.

So, I'd take at least a bit of cooldown time, but essentially you have to realize things will never be the same. Something as earth shattering as that doesn't happen between friends and then just return to normal.

[bigbad]

Happened to me not once, but twice :\ She started going out with him while still with me, when I found out I raged and stuff, cut both of them out of my life and tried to move on. Year or so later she wanted to get back together, and like a chump I did. Couple months go by and I find out she's with another of my friends, and had been set up with him by my best friend. Needless to say I get pretty pissed again, and at that point I decide she's costing me too many friends and swear her off for good. As a result of all the he said/she said crap our whole group of friends splintered, and I'm just now starting to rekindle friendships with some of the people I haven't talked to in years. I still want nothing to do with any of the 3 or her though, while I've pretty well forgiven them all for what they did, I still want nothing to do with them as if they were indeed true friends they wouldn't have pulled that shit in the first place.

[agball]

He is not your friend to do somthing like that. Tell him that if he dumps her than you will be open to frendship. This way she ends up with nobody & you 2 can still remain friends. If he is not willing to dump her, than walk away you dont need them.

[Fallon]

Originally posted by kurty
Me personally, I live by the don't fuck a friend's girlfriend, wife, or any girl you can tell he loves (talking about love, not lust here). This is just to avoid any emotional bullshit between a friend and his mate and I.

This is what I used to live by while I was single. There were two girls that I wouldn't have minded to go out with, but because my best friend had gone out with them, I wouldn't touch them. Apparently though, he didn't feel the same way because he went after on of my x's that I still cared for, and he tried gettin my fiancee to screw him on the side, took over a year for me to even start talking to him again and we're still on shakey ground.

He's probably one of the reasons I don't really trust people much anymore...*shrugs*

[Seer666]

I had one friend pull a stunt like that on me. I sat on it till Christmas, where I gave him a bag with 30 silver pieces. Pretty much said it all. Haven't talked to him sense. Friendship is the most important thing in this world to me, but betrayal is just not something I can forgive. Walk away man. He's done it once, he'll probably do it again. DOn't give hima chance or a reason.

[motdakasha]

Forgive them, so you can move on in life. Dwelling on something so small (at least, that's how I see it) is physically and mentally stressing, unnecessarily so.

I think you should try to work things out with your friend because:
a) Friends should take priority over the people you date. I say friends first because friendship is especially important, at least for me.
b) It is unfair to hate either of them because they decided they had something going on. Other people's feelings, physically based or not, are something that are out of your control (but not necessarily out of your influence). i.e. you can't force them to stop liking each other.

Whatever he was seeing a therapist for, it would probably be beneficial if he did start it up again. If he goes to college, most offer therapy/counseling (not just academic). Although, because of the budget cutbacks (in California) the hours have been significantly reduced, so you should look into the hours and such. I think it sounds like he is displacing his anger about his mother denying him therapy onto you. There are also usually teen helplines that you can call, or suggest he call. I just googled for "teen helpline" and came across this link: http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

[water_boy1999]

Sorry to hear of your situation. I was in a similar situation myself back in college. It is a tough moral dilema for you because you have your own pride at stake here. I wish I took the time to heal and forgive her for what she did, but I let my pride take control and I held in the bitterness for years. Be a better person than them. If he is that important of a friend to keep in your life, then hold onto it. If this is a pattern of disrespect for your feelings, then perhaps you might want to move on. As for her, drop her like a bad habit. Good luck to whatever you do.

[2kids1headache]

I'd ask to meet with them for lunch or some something. If asked, tell them that no, you're not going to unload on them.

Go to the appointed place at the appropriate time. Calmly tell them both that this isn't the sort of thing that friends do. Having said that, calmly stand up and walk away. Never speak to either one of them again.

Throughout life, best friends slip to being friends, and friends fall to acquaintances. Sometimes acquaintances elevate themselves to being best friends. Your relationships with others change over time, no matter how strong they may be. Accept that these relationships have changed considerably and move on to other relationships.

[analog]

You're lucky if all that happened was a foot rub. I'd be shocked to findo ut she didn't also rub her feet in his crotch a while, too.

Fuck them both, that's SO against all forms of man code it's not even funny.

[telekinetic]

I had something almost exactly like this happen to me. Except I was the friend.

And the girl was married to my next-door neighbor.

I was in their wedding, and lost touch with them for about a year...then helped the wife (who i hadn't really met before) throw a birthday party at my house...that I helped plan.

They ignored eachother at the party and he was rude to her and paid attention to some old flame from high-school...so I started talking to her to see what was up...she kept pulling away from the group so I'd check on her.

I called them later that week to see if they wanted to hang out, and he was gonna be gone all day, but she said she wouldn't mind hanging out just the two of us. I ended up being a shoulder to cry on about how bad their marriage was going. As far as I could see, there was no relationship...it was dead...they were living in different parts of the house and trying not to talk to eachother.

We started hanging out, and then going out...she'd been so used to taking abuse and being ignored that any positive attention I gave her made her light up like i'd given her the moon.

Eventually she told her husband she wanted a divorce. I really hope that she already wanted one before we started going out, but I can't quite convince myself. I stayed with her for eight months, and then broke up with her because of other drama.

I don't feel like a bad guy...I convinced myself (true or not) that the relationship was dead before I got there, so I wasn't killing it or hurting him, I was just cheering her up.

Anyways, I'd like to patch it up with my ex-friend, and take my lumps if they're coming...just so I know i'm not gonna get jumped in an alley, if nothing else....but I'm not sure how to...I haven't talked to him in six months....he still lives next door to my parents.

Anyways, I realize this isn't the exact scenario in this thread, but I thought I'd contribute a different perspective....

feel free to flame me or cut my balls off

[Homey_V]

Forgive them, so you can move on in life. Dwelling on something so small (at least, that's how I see it) is physically and mentally stressing, unnecessarily so.

I dont see a friend stabbing you in the back as small...

You DO NOT fuck around with a buddy's girlfriend. Period, no exceptions. If she throws herself at you, you throw her off.

Screw the both of them. Friends do not do shit like that ever.

Personally, the second one of my friends did that, they stopped being my friend. I might be able to forgive them eventually, but not before a whole lot of apoligizing and even then I couldnt trust him completely.

Saying you forgive him only teaches him that he can get away with that kind of shit with you. Tell him why your pissed off and then tell him off.

This may seem a little harsh, but I firmly believe that if you cant rely on your friends, who can you rely on?

[Jack Ruby]

Remember, it's not just the guy's fault. If girls were so easy to just 'steal' away, they wouldn't be worth all this trouble.

[Litespeed]

er...

that's a very confused friend you have there.
and a confused/not loyal girl.

No matter what, have nothing to do with the girl again.

As for the guy...
how are the relations between his mom and you? Think you can talk her into sending him back to therapy?
Do what you can to help him.
Find a way to be there for him no matter how much it hurts.
Forgiveness is golden. It's a rebound relationship, it won't last.

But remember, no matter what, do not go back to that girl. She is poisin.

[tekaweni]

Yeah, maybe its just time for you to redefine 'best friend'...

[Sapper]

Anybody here who says "forgive and forget" is a pussy. Your so-called best-friend is a fuck head.

TRUE friends (the kind you meet in other walks of life) would take a bullet for you without hesitation and you would do the same for them. Perhaps your "friend" heard girlfriend instead of bullet?

I'd stomp his guts - but I'm violent that way