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02-12-2004, 02:25 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: In The Deep, Deep South...
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Should I Pursue?
A while ago I met a woman who, for lack of a better word, takes my breath away. Everything about her is perfect. We talk for hours on time, we laugh together, share each others pains together, encourage each other etc. I mean, I can honestly say that I love her and mean it. We have talked about marriage but I have yet to propose to her because there is a problem. Well, a couple of problems.
The first is that she's close to 6 years older than I am (me 20, her 26). Usually that would pose no problem but my family feels that 6 years is too big of an age difference. I'm also scared that our agendas, as we get older, might not be the same due to the age difference. The second problem is that she has two kids from a previous relationship. Now, I mean I love her kids don't get me wrong, but she is already struggling to support them (since their biological father wants nothing to do with them) and I know that, right now, I could do no better either. I mean, as it is now, I do little things to help her out, but I don't think that I could afford to fully support her. I know that might sound odd, but I have no better way to explain it. So, what I'm wondering is, should I go ahead and ask her to marry me. I love her so much, but I also want to provide for her. I don't care what anyone else thinks, it's just that I don't think I could support a family right now. In some ways, I think I just answered my question but I know that if I let her get away, I'll never be able to forgive myself... Any suggestions? Last edited by X_789_X; 03-06-2004 at 02:27 PM.. |
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02-12-2004, 05:40 AM
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#3 (permalink) |
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Darth Papa
Location: Yonder
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Does it really have to be all or nothing? I mean, are you dating her right now? If not, that's what you should do. You're under no obligation to help her support her family if you're just seeing each other. She probably wouldn't want that support in that case.
You mentioned not being able to do better than the kids' father.... Look at it like this: you might not be able to do better for her or her kids financially, but I daresay you can do better for them emotionally. If you can't give with your wallet, you can give with your heart. THAT'S support you know she'd be glad for. Age is all made up. lurkette is a year and a half older than me. Means nothing. And if you're thinking marriage, I promise you your agendas aren't as far apart as you think. |
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02-12-2004, 05:57 AM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Grand Rapids
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as one who had spent the majority of my life ignoring what my heart desired (but now am listening to/with my heart more often)
i second sillygirls suggestion
__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin I Wish You Well. 
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02-12-2004, 07:51 AM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Psycho
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It seems to me, that you really do care what other people think. If you didn't, would you have mentioned that your family thinks 6 years is too much of a gap ? How long have you known each other ?
If I was in your situation, I'd take your concerns to her. Be honest, and tell her what's on your mind. Communication is a huge part of any relationship, and you may be able to see things more clearly with her thoughts and feelings in mind. In my opinion, you have to think of the kids too. Should the two of you decide to marry, then what happens if things don't work out ? What happens if you begin to resent the kids for not being your own ? I don't have the full picture here, but I'm just throwing some things out. It would be wonderful if this did work out, and you were able to become a family, but it seems you have a lot of soul searching to do before you get too involved. |
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02-12-2004, 07:53 AM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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Loser
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Re: Should I Pursue?
Quote:
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02-12-2004, 08:55 AM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Nothing
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This isn't a rehersal.
If you love her, and she you, then go for it and dont hold back.
__________________
"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}-- |
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02-12-2004, 09:44 AM
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#9 (permalink) |
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bAck iN aCtiOn!
Location: in my imagination
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if you really love her, and vice versa, go for it....
my parents for most of their lives were broke....and none of that mattered because they loved each other and their kids.... they always managed....
__________________
I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call. ~Vash, Trigun >'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~ |
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02-12-2004, 11:13 AM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Location: Oklahoma
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If you do go forward with it, just discuss it with her. I can't emphasize how much important it is to have these discussions before you start down the aisle. You need to know about finances, her expectations for you as a step-father, etc. Most marital problems occur from not discussing little things before they become big things. 6 years difference is no big deal. I have dated women 10 years older than me and up to 12 years younger. My manager is about to marry a woman 16 years his junior and they are very happy. If she makes you happy, go for it.
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02-12-2004, 02:19 PM
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#11 (permalink) |
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Addict
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Regarding the age difference, I think you will find that the gap will narrow as you get older, not widen. It is maturity that matters most in that regard, and it seems like you have that covered.
As far as the kids. Well, if the fact that she has kids doesn't bother you, then you are way ahead of the game. When it comes to financial support, you make do with what you have. I would not let money make your decision like this. Unless she is irresponsible, and her irresponsibility is getting her into deep debt. The main thing is that you can put food in your mouths and a roof over your head, and clothes on your back. It doesn't have to be Filet Mignon, in a palace, wearing designer clothes. Evaluate what is most important to you (personally AND as a couple). If this is someone you love, trust, and can communicate with, then you can deal with the rest. Enjoy life, don't dread it. |
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02-13-2004, 03:51 PM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Tilted
Location: San Francisco
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Is there a rush to get married?
If you think because you two have love for one another that you must run off and make it a legal arrangement, by all means do so, as it sounds like you care a great deal for her and about her children. If there isn't a rush, take your time, love her the best you're able, and try to enjoy it- without worrying about what your folks think, or what society thinks. I think you're a very brave man
__________________
Cute, but useless. |
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02-13-2004, 04:48 PM
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#13 (permalink) | |
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Guest
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Quote:
6 yrs is not that big of a difference. That is a trend in my family and they/we are happily married. Age has nothing to do with love. IMHO, if you are questioning it, you are probably not ready. Give it time. Like teriaki said, what is the rush? |
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