Some needed perspective - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Quints · 01-04-2004, 03:56 PM

I am quite the young one so be prepared to deal with my immature, nervous ranting. Now before I go on this huge tangent I want to warn you all that this is nothing but typical high school drama and I am well aware it will most likely mean very little in the long run. This thing also isn't sexual but this is the only place I felt it was appropriate. If you people could give me some advice and guidance on this whole thing it would be greatly appreciated; I think some advice from outsiders that aren't in high school would help me.
Ok, so in middle school I met this girl. Throughout 7th and 8th grade we pretty much dated without the titles(and by dated I don't mean we actually went anywhere it was just the typical naive youth relationship). She was different than any girl I had ever liked, she was outgoing, she spoke her mind, she was beautiful, and she was the first girl I talked to that wasn't shy to talk to me. Most girls at the time chose to girl at you from 20 feet away while surrounded by their friends as opposed to just coming up and saying "hey, I like you". Anyway, I was scared to ask her out so at the end of 7th grade I learned she was going out with this 8th grader. I was crushed, it was the first, and to date, only time I ever cried over a girl. During that summer we continued to talk and it seemed nothing had changed. They broke up at the beginning of 8th grade and we continued our little fling, and once again I didn't ask her out. In mid 8th grade year she once again went out with the same older guy. That was too much for me to handle. I am aware that it was partly my fault for not commiting but I felt hurt that she had expressed(in my opinion) these feelings for me and then turned around and went out with another guy. I stopped talking to her, looking at her, I pretended she didn't exist; it was my way of dealing with it at the time. So for two years, 9th and 10th grade, I didn't speak to her. Then, last summer, I came in from hanging out with my friends and there was a note by the phone that read "(Girl) called for you", and I about lost it. You see, despite my attempts to get over her by ignoring her, the truth was I was in love with her, and had been for the past 3 years. So the next day I try to call the number 3 times and got nothing. I'm on AIM that night(isn't IM a great way to puss out of expressing your feelings in person) and I see she's on, so I go up to her and tell her I tried to call her and I asked what she wanted. It turns out that she never called and someone had pranked me(I've told a few people how I felt about her and we don't stand on the best terms so it isn't that unlikely) So I'm a bit down but we started talking again, and we did so all summer. I told her how I had felt the past 4 years and my reasonign for being an asshole among other things that had long been in need of discussion.
So 11th grade year starts and we're still talking. After classes she comes to my locker and we talk for a few minutes, but since she's not in any of my classes that's all the face time I get with her. So I've brought up the idea of hanging out on the weekend sometime a number of different times(something that is out of character for me as I am relatively shy) and each time she seems into it, and I have told her many times that I want her to be honest with me about everything so she shouldn't hesitate to just say "you know, I don't really want to". Each time the approximate date has come around things get fucked up and we never end up doing anything. The latest has been over Christmas break and she unexpectedly had to work. Now I am not mad that she had to work, I am upset that each time I try to get together with her it seems like she doesn't want to but she wont tell me. I don;t want to turn into "that annoying guy" that won't leave her alone. I also am I bit freaked out because I have very slight feelings for another girl that I met this year, which is strange because I couldnt get over the original girl for 2 years and then when I actually get a second chance my heart decides it's ready. Now I put these other feelings down because I have a feelings, while this girl is cool, she's just a flirt. So I decided a few weeks ago to focus on the original girl and put all other possible feelings out. I felt really guilty about just the chance of liking someone else when earlier that year I had told the original girl how much I liked, and do like, her. The problem is, while there are many things that this girl does to indicate she likes me too, her putting off getting together has me questioning my judgement. I never woud have asked if I felt the girl didn't like me too, that's not my style. So I just need some perspective on this whole mess to try and set my heart(and mind) straight. Sorry about the length, I'll be amazed if anyone actually reads all my whiney bullshit, but thanks to those who do.

lurkette · 01-04-2004, 04:08 PM

I read it!

My advice: don't date either of the girls exclusively. Meet lots of people, and have fun while you're young. You're going to move on soon - college, work, whatever, and go through a lot of mental and emotional maturation. Don't waste so much time now mooning over whether this girl likes you or not. Go have fun with the flirt, or new girls, or whatever.

slimcr · 01-04-2004, 04:11 PM

Perspective? Let me see, youve liked a girl for years now and pretty much have done nothing about it? It is time to pick up the phone and set up a date, ask her out, plain and simple. Dont want to look like the annoying guy? You're probably it by now if thats what she thinks about you. If she does like you, then it might be time to bat now or hand off the bat to someone else. You decide. I can fully understand how you feel because I like evryone else have been there before. You decide what you want in life, if she is what you want then go for it, ask her out, try to get something going. Do make it a date and see what happens. If something again happens where you dont end up seeing each other, perhaps its time to call it quits and not spend the rest of your life thinking about one girl when there are literally millions out there.

Good luck if you decide to ask her out and if you do hook up, best of luck.

The world is there to take, not to think about what could be.

Silvy · 01-04-2004, 04:13 PM

Be amazed

Seriously though, it seems like you have made an unconscious commitment to the first girl. While I can't decide if she's playing you or not, she is in fact blocking you in discovering your own feelings. You seem too fixed on her and what her feelings for you are.

My advice is to let it go (just a little) and look around. There are probably some things that are unjustly put aside because of your plans with her. Try easing up on the love feelings and enjoy the companionship of other people. Perhaps you could spend some (casual) time with the second girl or your other friends. It doesn't need to mean anything, but you won't find out until you do. Hanging in a limbo because girl one is unavailable is not such a good idea.

Easing up a little has the added benefit of preventing you from becoming 'that annoying guy'.
I'm sure you'll figure out your true feelings if you take a breath and look around. It could very well be that you are truly meant for girl one, but setting your mind solely one her is not a good way to find out.

Quints · 01-04-2004, 04:15 PM

Wow, Im impressed, haha. The problem with just having fun with lots of girls is I've always been kind of exclusive to one girl. I never felt it was very fair to share emotions with multiple girls which is something that freaks me out about this whole thing to begin with. For as long as I can remember I've liked one girl and one girl only at a time. Maybe you're right though, maybe I just need to relax and enjoy life...easier said than done.

Silvy · 01-04-2004, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Quints
Wow, Im impressed, haha. The problem with just having fun with lots of girls is I've always been kind of exclusive to one girl.

I guess we're saying: Enjoy the friendship of other people without being blocked too much by a friendship that won't develop.

Quote:

Originally posted by Quints

I never felt it was very fair to share emotions with multiple girls which is something that freaks me out about this whole thing to begin with. For as long as I can remember I've liked one girl and one girl only at a time. Maybe you're right though, maybe I just need to relax and enjoy life...easier said than done.

Sharing emotions is generally done amongst people you trust. And, generally speaking, it doesn't matter what gender they are, or how many trusted friends you have. If you like a girl hang out with her (you don't have to marry her the same day!) enjoy yourself!
You don't even have to make it a date, just hang out. But be sure not to keep yourself from meeting/hangin out with/liking other people because you have feelings for someone.
Also, don't misinterpret "liking" and "friendship" for "love"...
And you said it right: relax, enjoy yourself!

wilbjammin · 01-04-2004, 05:22 PM

This is all an exercise. A modern day courtly love. The abstraction of a real person into the ultimate perfect woman. You don't really know her, and she's flaking out on you consistently. I've been in your situation before... you need to just get away from abstraction and move towards action.

I have a feeling this attachment is a safety net for you. As long as you're devoted to this girl that you don't really have to face the real danger of having a real relationship with real intimacy. Get outside of your box, and reach out to someone. But do not let any of this limit you in moving on with your life out when you get out of high school. It just isn't worth it.

Quints · 01-04-2004, 05:56 PM

You people are seriously amazing, you're voicing things that I've been questioning myself about, especially you wilbjammin. The main one is if the girl I like is the girl I'm actually talking to. I've found that I can't tell with the few real conversations I've had with her if it's a memory I'm liking, or the reality. Thanks to everyone who's replied, all of you have helped alot. Tomorrow is the first day back from Winter break so I'll try and take all of your advice and just relax and enjoy the company of anyone I am digging as well as not limiting myself by whatever fanciful memories or hopes I am trying to play out.

wry1 · 01-05-2004, 12:45 AM

Quints: you haven't been exclusive to one girl....you've been blinded to all the others! There is a difference, I assure you....

I agree with lurkette (as I usually wind up doing) that you need to get out there and live a little. Don't worry about dating - that'll happen if and when things are right - but be more interested in meeting as many new people as possible.

This is a trait which, once learned, will help you immeasurably once you hit college. By building the largest possible group of friends and acquaintances, you're much more likely to meet a girl that you'll have a good bit of stuff in common with, and just wait and see how things go from there!

But as for the one you've been fixated on for all these years? Let her slip on by.

Quints · 01-05-2004, 01:57 PM

So today was my first day back and I took all of your advice and enjoyed the company of the other girl without worrying about the other stuff. The original girl came to my locker though, like usual, and now that I've kind of cleared up on things, I am starting to notice some stuff. Our "conversations" don't flow at all, that may just be because we don't see one another enough or long enough to really discuss anything. It usually consists of "hey" and then just worthless small talk. The other girl however is in two of my current classes and...it almost feels like what I used to have with the original one. We are at ease around one another and I really enjoy just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. The problem is I can't bring myself to just give up on the original one, I still like her and I still want to try and get to know her, the way she is now, before giving up. For now though, I promise, I'll do my best to just relax and not worry aobut one specific girl or getting into something serious. Thanks everybody. And wry1? That thing you said: "you haven't been exclusive to one girl....you've been blinded to all the others!", I can see how true that is now. I honestly feel better now than I have for weeks, thanks everyone.

01-04-2004, 03:56 PM	#1 (permalink)
Quints Upright	Some needed perspective I am quite the young one so be prepared to deal with my immature, nervous ranting. Now before I go on this huge tangent I want to warn you all that this is nothing but typical high school drama and I am well aware it will most likely mean very little in the long run. This thing also isn't sexual but this is the only place I felt it was appropriate. If you people could give me some advice and guidance on this whole thing it would be greatly appreciated; I think some advice from outsiders that aren't in high school would help me. Ok, so in middle school I met this girl. Throughout 7th and 8th grade we pretty much dated without the titles(and by dated I don't mean we actually went anywhere it was just the typical naive youth relationship). She was different than any girl I had ever liked, she was outgoing, she spoke her mind, she was beautiful, and she was the first girl I talked to that wasn't shy to talk to me. Most girls at the time chose to girl at you from 20 feet away while surrounded by their friends as opposed to just coming up and saying "hey, I like you". Anyway, I was scared to ask her out so at the end of 7th grade I learned she was going out with this 8th grader. I was crushed, it was the first, and to date, only time I ever cried over a girl. During that summer we continued to talk and it seemed nothing had changed. They broke up at the beginning of 8th grade and we continued our little fling, and once again I didn't ask her out. In mid 8th grade year she once again went out with the same older guy. That was too much for me to handle. I am aware that it was partly my fault for not commiting but I felt hurt that she had expressed(in my opinion) these feelings for me and then turned around and went out with another guy. I stopped talking to her, looking at her, I pretended she didn't exist; it was my way of dealing with it at the time. So for two years, 9th and 10th grade, I didn't speak to her. Then, last summer, I came in from hanging out with my friends and there was a note by the phone that read "(Girl) called for you", and I about lost it. You see, despite my attempts to get over her by ignoring her, the truth was I was in love with her, and had been for the past 3 years. So the next day I try to call the number 3 times and got nothing. I'm on AIM that night(isn't IM a great way to puss out of expressing your feelings in person) and I see she's on, so I go up to her and tell her I tried to call her and I asked what she wanted. It turns out that she never called and someone had pranked me(I've told a few people how I felt about her and we don't stand on the best terms so it isn't that unlikely) So I'm a bit down but we started talking again, and we did so all summer. I told her how I had felt the past 4 years and my reasonign for being an asshole among other things that had long been in need of discussion. So 11th grade year starts and we're still talking. After classes she comes to my locker and we talk for a few minutes, but since she's not in any of my classes that's all the face time I get with her. So I've brought up the idea of hanging out on the weekend sometime a number of different times(something that is out of character for me as I am relatively shy) and each time she seems into it, and I have told her many times that I want her to be honest with me about everything so she shouldn't hesitate to just say "you know, I don't really want to". Each time the approximate date has come around things get fucked up and we never end up doing anything. The latest has been over Christmas break and she unexpectedly had to work. Now I am not mad that she had to work, I am upset that each time I try to get together with her it seems like she doesn't want to but she wont tell me. I don;t want to turn into "that annoying guy" that won't leave her alone. I also am I bit freaked out because I have very slight feelings for another girl that I met this year, which is strange because I couldnt get over the original girl for 2 years and then when I actually get a second chance my heart decides it's ready. Now I put these other feelings down because I have a feelings, while this girl is cool, she's just a flirt. So I decided a few weeks ago to focus on the original girl and put all other possible feelings out. I felt really guilty about just the chance of liking someone else when earlier that year I had told the original girl how much I liked, and do like, her. The problem is, while there are many things that this girl does to indicate she likes me too, her putting off getting together has me questioning my judgement. I never woud have asked if I felt the girl didn't like me too, that's not my style. So I just need some perspective on this whole mess to try and set my heart(and mind) straight. Sorry about the length, I'll be amazed if anyone actually reads all my whiney bullshit, but thanks to those who do.

01-04-2004, 04:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I read it! My advice: don't date either of the girls exclusively. Meet lots of people, and have fun while you're young. You're going to move on soon - college, work, whatever, and go through a lot of mental and emotional maturation. Don't waste so much time now mooning over whether this girl likes you or not. Go have fun with the flirt, or new girls, or whatever. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

01-04-2004, 04:13 PM	#4 (permalink)
Silvy paranoid Location: The Netherlands	Be amazed Seriously though, it seems like you have made an unconscious commitment to the first girl. While I can't decide if she's playing you or not, she is in fact blocking you in discovering your own feelings. You seem too fixed on her and what her feelings for you are. My advice is to let it go (just a little) and look around. There are probably some things that are unjustly put aside because of your plans with her. Try easing up on the love feelings and enjoy the companionship of other people. Perhaps you could spend some (casual) time with the second girl or your other friends. It doesn't need to mean anything, but you won't find out until you do. Hanging in a limbo because girl one is unavailable is not such a good idea. Easing up a little has the added benefit of preventing you from becoming 'that annoying guy'. I'm sure you'll figure out your true feelings if you take a breath and look around. It could very well be that you are truly meant for girl one, but setting your mind solely one her is not a good way to find out. __________________ "Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. " - Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints)

01-04-2004, 05:22 PM	#7 (permalink)
wilbjammin * * *	This is all an exercise. A modern day courtly love. The abstraction of a real person into the ultimate perfect woman. You don't really know her, and she's flaking out on you consistently. I've been in your situation before... you need to just get away from abstraction and move towards action. I have a feeling this attachment is a safety net for you. As long as you're devoted to this girl that you don't really have to face the real danger of having a real relationship with real intimacy. Get outside of your box, and reach out to someone. But do not let any of this limit you in moving on with your life out when you get out of high school. It just isn't worth it. __________________ Innominate.

01-04-2004, 04:11 PM	#3 (permalink)
slimcr Insane	Perspective? Let me see, youve liked a girl for years now and pretty much have done nothing about it? It is time to pick up the phone and set up a date, ask her out, plain and simple. Dont want to look like the annoying guy? You're probably it by now if thats what she thinks about you. If she does like you, then it might be time to bat now or hand off the bat to someone else. You decide. I can fully understand how you feel because I like evryone else have been there before. You decide what you want in life, if she is what you want then go for it, ask her out, try to get something going. Do make it a date and see what happens. If something again happens where you dont end up seeing each other, perhaps its time to call it quits and not spend the rest of your life thinking about one girl when there are literally millions out there. Good luck if you decide to ask her out and if you do hook up, best of luck. The world is there to take, not to think about what could be.

01-04-2004, 04:15 PM	#5 (permalink)
Quints Upright	Wow, Im impressed, haha. The problem with just having fun with lots of girls is I've always been kind of exclusive to one girl. I never felt it was very fair to share emotions with multiple girls which is something that freaks me out about this whole thing to begin with. For as long as I can remember I've liked one girl and one girl only at a time. Maybe you're right though, maybe I just need to relax and enjoy life...easier said than done.

01-04-2004, 05:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
Quints Upright	You people are seriously amazing, you're voicing things that I've been questioning myself about, especially you wilbjammin. The main one is if the girl I like is the girl I'm actually talking to. I've found that I can't tell with the few real conversations I've had with her if it's a memory I'm liking, or the reality. Thanks to everyone who's replied, all of you have helped alot. Tomorrow is the first day back from Winter break so I'll try and take all of your advice and just relax and enjoy the company of anyone I am digging as well as not limiting myself by whatever fanciful memories or hopes I am trying to play out.

01-05-2004, 12:45 AM	#9 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	Quints: you haven't been exclusive to one girl....you've been blinded to all the others! There is a difference, I assure you.... I agree with lurkette (as I usually wind up doing) that you need to get out there and live a little. Don't worry about dating - that'll happen if and when things are right - but be more interested in meeting as many new people as possible. This is a trait which, once learned, will help you immeasurably once you hit college. By building the largest possible group of friends and acquaintances, you're much more likely to meet a girl that you'll have a good bit of stuff in common with, and just wait and see how things go from there! But as for the one you've been fixated on for all these years? Let her slip on by.

01-05-2004, 01:57 PM	#10 (permalink)
Quints Upright	So today was my first day back and I took all of your advice and enjoyed the company of the other girl without worrying about the other stuff. The original girl came to my locker though, like usual, and now that I've kind of cleared up on things, I am starting to notice some stuff. Our "conversations" don't flow at all, that may just be because we don't see one another enough or long enough to really discuss anything. It usually consists of "hey" and then just worthless small talk. The other girl however is in two of my current classes and...it almost feels like what I used to have with the original one. We are at ease around one another and I really enjoy just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. The problem is I can't bring myself to just give up on the original one, I still like her and I still want to try and get to know her, the way she is now, before giving up. For now though, I promise, I'll do my best to just relax and not worry aobut one specific girl or getting into something serious. Thanks everybody. And wry1? That thing you said: "you haven't been exclusive to one girl....you've been blinded to all the others!", I can see how true that is now. I honestly feel better now than I have for weeks, thanks everyone.