Help me help my dad

[Harshaw]

My mom has been dead for almost 5 years now. My dad took it pretty hard and kind of hid himself away.
He is getting a lot better and I think he is looking for someone to share his time with.
He asked me what I thought about match.com the other day, I haven't heard anything bad about it, but have never tried it. I am wondering if anyone here has any stories they could share about how they "hooked up" with someone after they had been in a marrage or VERY long relationship. He is 53, I am wondering if there are any good places for him to look.

I'm not really into the idea of trying to set my dad up. But if I could give him a push in the right direction, that would rock.

Thanks

[31Friction]

I would not recommend using anything online as first choice. I think the best idea would be to go out and look for someone and maybe look online as a secondary option.

[JStrider]

yah... it would prolly be better for him to get out there and meet people...

kinda makes me think hes using the online to still hideaway... but look for someone new at the same time..

[Litespeed]

My cousin Fae is 60 and I live with her now. She was older when she married her second husband, Larry. Got out of an abusive relationship. They were both older, met at church from what I've gathered. They had a sweet relationship but unfortunately he died from cancer about a year after they were married.

I recommend getting out and being with people. I agree with JStrider about internet being a hideaway. I don't know if your dad is the church-going type or not, but in any case there have to be community events you could encourage him to attend where he might run into some older singles.

GET HIM OUT! He will thank you for it later. I know you'll do all right. Good luck.

[Mr. Creosote]

I agree that getting out is best, but I'll also defend match.com or the other mainstream sites. My mother-in-law has been divorced and unmarried for almost 20 years and finally gave online dating a shot. She hasn't had any long-term relationships come out of it, but at least its gotten her back in the game and meeting people with similar interests. Give it a whirl. What's to lose?

[analog]

I think that's about the worst thing he can do. All it's going to do is allow him to keep himself more and more secluded, away from friends and loved ones. Bring him out to places where people of his age group congregate. If he's religious, church is an excellent place. I'm sure you or he has a neighbor who knows SOMEONE nice looking for a little companionship.

Please keep in mind that the psychological scarring and turmoil of losing a spouse is way different and vastly more profound than anything else a person can deal with- not the death of a parent, sibling, or even child can measure up. He may start hanging out with some women, and then back down for a bit. If he does, be supportive of his temporary hiatuses- those are his mental brakes being applied. In his mind, he's grappling with the fact that he's "replacing" his beloved, even though HE KNOWS that's not really what's going on. It will fuck with him constantly. You seem like a loving son. Be there for him and, no matter what, it will all work out in the end. If he seems apprehensive about someone very promising, be honest with him. Tell him to just go and have a good time. That he's just doing it to meet someone nice, to share good time with.

Good luck, let us know...

[skysooner]

I'll defend Internet or personals dating as that is how I met my wife. However I think the Internet does provide a certain degree of "distance" in one's approach to meeting people that makes it very easy to not and try to really get to know them when you meet them. I found this to be the case with personal ads dating although my wife was a real exception. We almost didn't go out a 2nd time just due to misunderstandings that occur on a date (and the fact we didn't have any sort of meeting history prior to that). Meeting someone face-to-face is preferable. I would recommend he gives it 6 months to a year in dating normally before turning to the Internet. This will allow him to at least have something to gauge it against.

[Averett]

I don't think the match.com thing is a horrible idea. He could meet a lot of women this way, maybe make some new friends if anything. But yeah, actually going out would be good as well.


I'm glad your dad is ready to find somebody to share some time with again.

[Jim Kata]

Why not just do both? Go out and meet people, and stay home and and do the same on the net.

[Dale Kemp]

Harshaw,

I met my second wife on the internet. I used a singles site oriented to my church, so I was only seeing single woment there who shared a lot of what motivates me.

Sociologists say that emotional recovery from a loss of one's spouse takes 1 year for every five years you were together. Not to heal enough to date, but to heal enough to be ready to bond with someone new. Most women give themselves that long , and sometimes longer. Many man, even most men, to stop their hurting rush into some new relationship. Some new warm body in bed. But they don't get their loss processed emotionally by this, they just wall it off. That's not really healthy.

Encourage your dad to start slowly and be cautious about taking girlfriends to bed. He should give himself the 1 year for every 5 he was married, in order to heal. He'll make a much better choice of a second wife, if he does. And the chances of his second marriage being as good or better than his first will improve greatly.

But I know that when you're lonely and hurting, my sweet Lord, how good those ladies look. You could just eat them! MMMmmm, mmmmm.