Should I admit to my bf I have been in a porno?
 

Okay, here is my problem, Before I met this totally excellent guy, I did a ameutuer porno for extra money, which is now on the internet. I have never done another one, because it made me too uncomfortable and wasn't really my thing. I'm not sure if I should let sleeping dogs lie or tell him. He always seems all turned on by porn stars and all that stuff, so I wonder if telling him this would turn him on or just make him think I'm slutty. It bothers me because I don't like keeping secrets from him. What do you guys think?

...damn, thats a good question.

Maybe you should tell him before he finds out through someone else. I think he would be more upset if one of his friends came up to him and said hey I found this on the internet. Is this your girlfriend???

I would tell him. Either

1. he'll be totally impressed and your slave for life

or

2. he'll get over it

or

3. he's not the guy for you.

Definitely tell him before he finds out himself - nothing like a little "surprise" to shake his trust.

lurkette hit it spot-on... if you can be up-front about your past and assure him, not only through words, but concious actions that you are beyond that, then things will be fine. if he freaks, then chances are he'll be overly self-concious about it for the rest of the time you're with him up until you can't stand it anymore and dump him. get it out of the way now, and we are all hoping for the best.

Tell him....

Cause he will find out!

Good luck :)

This is like asking someone how many times they've had sex before you. Do you REALLY want them to tell you?

Making an amatuer porno is nothing. It's not a big deal, don't make it one. I WORK in the industry... thousands of girls go through with this. Unless you're sure he would be interested in knowing, it's not a big friggin' deal.

Make sure he's comfortable with YOU, not your past, because unless you've got some ingering STD from your porno scene, it dont mean shit.

I'm thinking he'll find out one way or another, it may as well be on your terms, right?

Then again, if he is not in the habit of looking at porn (It could happen!) it may not come up. Unless his friends find it of course. I had something like this happen to me, but it was a look-alike and not my girlfriend.

wow...I can honestly say this is the first time I've seen this question here.

I'd say tell him. Like Hal said - it's your PAST. What he needs to be comfortable with is who you are NOW. And, like others have said, it's far better than him finding out on accident through some other means (although, to be honest, if it's only ONE video and amateur, chances are he'll never see it).

I tend to lean more with lurkette...there IS a difference
between discreet sexual history and something that is public.

Bring it up as a hypothetical question...see his reaction,
then if it's not negative...just let it out slowly.

I personally would prefer the truth to finding out by surprise.

he or one of his friends will find it some time, he should know about it befor hand, maybe get him a copy as a gag gift but this is a sensitive subject. it all depends on what kind of porn it is. if it is just a soft core thing i dont see him having a problem, but if it is some thing hard core, bsm or something work into it.

unless you told him you were a virgin it shouldn't be that big a deal... it might even turn him on.

Either way it's a part of your past, and you could either ignore until it comes back to haunt you, or you could face it and be honest with him. The truth might hurt but finding out one has been ignorant of the truth hurts even more.

If you dig this guy, and actually care about him and think you'll have some sort of future together, go ahead and tell him. He will probably get turned on by it. There is a chance he could care less about the porn you were in, or he will get upset about it. If this is just a temporary "fling", I wouldn't bother with telling him, unless you're just a totally honest person.

I would say if it comes up be honest about it, otherwise the less said the better. In other words don't lie about it, but don't force the subject.

I think what Halx said was a little harsh. To someone in the industry it is not a big deal but to normal everyday people it might be a HUGE deal.

I would wait and tell him further down the line. See where the realtionship goes. If you are getting to the point where you are going to be marrying the guy that is a whole different story then if he is just a boyfriend.

i'd tell him about it but not show it to him. he'd probably get turned on by you being a former porn star but might have second thoghts watching another guy have sex with you. If it was lesbian porn i don't see a problem at all unless he pops the question of threesome.

It might depend on what type.

I mean,, if you were doing Japanese Scat with midgets,, it'd probably be best to keep that one silent. If it were just naked pics of you or you with one other guy, it would be best to let him know.

Who knows, maybe he'll want to make some more with you?

I would suggest telling him
 

I too have done work in the industry and it's a part of me, some I regret, some I relish, some that embarass the hell out of me and some that I am proud of.

But I would approach the situation with hypothetical question, gage his reaction then go from there. If he's worth it to you then there shouldn't be a secret, besides you'll only fret over it.

You mentioned that he might get turned on by it, well then it probably won't be a problem.

Good luck!

If you're embarrassed about it, don't tell him. Odds are good that he's not some TFP porno superfreak, and since it sounds like a one time deal (from your use of the singular tense) it makes better sense to just wait until the comfort level is there with the guy.

The chances of him ever seeing it are probably nil, but once again the most important thing in a relationship is honesty so if you believe it is something that he would want to know you have to tell him.

By the way was this some softcore stuff or hardcore stuff.

i agree with rogue 49

I agree... if the relationship you have with him currently isn't strong enough to deal with this then you should end it now.

I concur with most of the previous posters:

Tell him. It's better to find out now than for him to discover it on his own some other time.

He shouldn't have to big a problem with it...If he does, he probably isn't meant to be with you.

If you tell him, he will tell his friends. And his friends will spend the next nine months trying to find you on the Net.

But that's only if he's an asshole and if he's and asshole you shouldn't be with him in the first place.

It is the past - but it is still an important piece.

Its already been said that he needs to be comfortable with you as you are. if he can't handle that, then the relationship is questionable.
For more details, read lurkette's post above, because she knows everything...

Exactly. I'm a big believer in full disclosure. If he can't handle it, he can't handle it. Maybe one day you'll find one who can- but if you keep this to yourself, it'll eat you up inside OR one day he'll stumble on it, and THEN you're truly fucked.

Start simple. "We've both had sex before, right?" Yes.
"Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?" Yes/No.
"I have, once. I'm telling you now because you mean a lot to me and I want to be honest with you. It was a one-time thing. I didn't like it- hated it, in fact, which is why I only did it the once. Yes, it was a porn. (you may as well go right into it because as soon as you say it was a one-time thing, his mind will most likely immediately jump to porn.)"

Just something like that. It might eat him up, and if it does, you'll lose him. But that's still better than allowing yourself to live a lie for the rest of your time with him. Because then you'll always know your relationship- his love- everything... was based on a lie.

EDIT: Also, were you with a guy or another girl, both? Might make a difference in his mind if you weren't with a guy in the vid.

I agree that you should tell him.
The shock of hearing it from you is nothing compared to the shock of discovering it on his own.
It's part of your past, it's part of you, and he should accept all of you.
Probably not something you want to mention on your first date, but if you feel like your relationship is going somewhere, you should tell him.

Thank you for all your input! It helps me put things into perspective. I wouldn't show him or anybody I personally know for that matter, the video because I was even too shy to watch it! Thanks for the help!

jerseyboy nailed it.

I have pretty much bared my soul to my wife when it comes to things I have done in the past. She just says that whatever happened before we were married has no effect on us. The only issue is whether they might think this makes you a bad person. Sounding them out on the issue is a good idea, but sometimes it is hard to be subtle in a situation like that since the answer is going to be very important to you. On the other hand, guys can be pretty dense and you can hit them with a Mack truck and they might not notice.

I think unless it's realy bothering YOU, you should leave it alone. Like they have said, the chances are slim to none he will ever see it and even if he does, there's a good chance he won't even know it was you. However, I believe you'll probably do what you feel is right regardless of what we say so i wish you good luck. let us know how it turns out

If this is a new relationship, then tell him NOW. Besides the reasons already given ie. he's a jerk if he can't take it, it's going to hurt YOU more if you wait until you are deeply involved emotionally with him.

I believe in airing all the dirty laundry that may hurt a relationship BEFORE it truly becomes one. Won't you be more comfortable around him if he knows and is ok with it? If he can't take it, you can move on more easily.

I one hundred percent agree with all those who said to tell him. Honesty and trust are key factors in a relationship.
I am sure he would rather hear it directly from you rather than to be "surprised" one day and find out by accident.

I think you should tell him because as you stated:
If it bothers you and you don't tell him then it is only going to cause other problems in the relationship. I think you are the only one who can answer on how he would take the news, but it really doesn't matter because it sounds to me that you need to tell him to make you happy!

Tell him!

And for cripes sake, please PM me the link to the video!

I think you should tell him. I'd much rather find out from the source than see it on the internet..

I totally agree with lurkette.

That said, *I* would be totally impressed! :D

[edit to make my post more useful:]
Okay, just to add to my knee-jerk reaction... this question is (to me) the same thing as if I found out my girlfriend wasn't a virgin. What she did before she met me means very little as far as how loyal I view her.

Let the past be just that.

As far as I am concerned, what someone did before they met me is inadmissable in how I feel about them.

This is too a point, but its a pretty hard line to cross. Porno, other guys, other girls, any of this is just stuff done at another point in their life.

This part kind of concerns me, if I put myself in your boyfriend's shoes. Assuming he is cool with the fact that you were in a porno, there's a good chance he'll want to see it. Knowing that it exists, but that he can't see it, may gnaw at him inside.

Well it was with another guy and that's why I wouldn't want him to see it. With another girl or solo wouldn't bother me. But if the situation was reversed I know I would be jealous watching him with another girl. I just don't want to worsen the situation, I don't particular plan on telling him who I was with, since that person obviously didn't matter at all to me. But thanks for the post helps me to see what else could come up!

If he's going to find out - he should find out from you. Unless you are virtually certain he won't find out - I believe you must tell him. Although he doesn't want to hear it, he will respect the fact you told him before you are married. The aftermath will be uncertain for a long time. I would suggest that once you tell him, at some time appropriate, you watch it together. Let him ask questions, let him get it all off his chest so he can come to grips with it. The issue is multi-faceted and thus it will, no doubt take time to deal with. Be prepared for an unsettled future for a while. He will need to accept is is in your past and that it is there. You are the same person he loves, with or without his knowledge of the film. Hopefully he will accept this.

I disagree with those that say that if he can't accept it, he is not the right guy for you. You may not be the right girl for him. I don't mean this to be harsh whatsoever, indeed, I applaud your depth and foresight in raising this issue. I hope he can accept you for who you are, and like it or not, we are all the current version of our past. Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.

I think the question is more about you and your needs than his,

do you need to tell him for your own comfort? Will not telling him effect your capacity to feel confident in your relationship? If it will then I would suggest that you tell him on that basis and that basis alone.

I say tell him....some people say the past is the past...but some stuff you should know about the person you're getting involved with.

On a lighter note...maybe hes already seen it before he met you, and hes going out with you because you're a girl from a porn. Wouldnt that be a weird twist to everything.

I agree with lurkette

Dont ever let him watch porn again. EVER.

Now youre safe!

If he finds out on his own, he wont like it, no matter what. Coz you kept a secret.

If it was 'tastefully' done, i would go further in explaining it, testing his values to see if he would be ok with it..

tell him! I think you'll find he'll be turned on by the fact, and his ego will certainly get a bost. How many men can actually claim they're dating a porn star. He might not say it to his friends, but he'll say it to himself, and proly be grinning all the way.

Okay folks,

Since you wanted to know how it went, I told him, when we were alone and explained how I'm never gonna do it again and how it was one of those things I regret doing! He said it was okay, as long it was in the past and I wasn't doing it anymore. I was glad he was so accepting and it didn't bother him too much
(hopefully!) Now I'm without any skeletons in the closet!

I'd so want to see it if my girlfriend was in a porn. It'd be my new secret kitten killing device.

Just to let you know he might want to see it and get turned on by it...

Gariig

Glad things turned out all right.

yeah, did he even want to see it?

Ah, glad to hear he's ok with it!

since it really shouldn't be a big deal (again referring to Hal, it's the past), you should tell him to simply be open about it. indeed, it did happen, but he shouldn't react poorly to it if you're relaxed and honest when you tell him.

No he doesn't want to see it! Besides he knows that he gets the real deal! I told him the only porn I would do now is with him and no camera!

wow, great boyfreind

great business opportunity! heheh

That would be such a turn-on.

Good for you!

And, I bet he asks to see it sometime soon!!!

maybe you could suggest doing one with your bf.. just for your private pleasure of course.... :)

Good line...

Pure Awesomeness.

What i'm curious about though, is why does everyone think he would have found out? When I look at a girl of all the thoughts racing through my mind, "Did she do porn?" is NOT one of them. I personally don't think I'd ever find out. Although telling was the right think, simply because if the relationship lasts, you don't want a little secret like that to end a very deep, trusting, and loving relationship, It was best to get out of the way now, and since it worked out so well.. the trust between you can only have grown from that.

Describe what you did in the porn. Doggystyle? Hot Karl?

I have the solution. Break up with your bf and come have coffee with me.

The chances are fair that SOMEONE would see this and say, "Hey, isn't that ..." I think you did the right thing. Good for you! ... And I still don't have the link to the video. ;)

I agree fully with hal, its in your past, he has slept with women, its just that maybe some other people have seen you naked

also, yes i would let him watch it :) like RL said, it will eat him up inside if he dont get to see it, it might even become his fav porn movie, and maybe you could offer to record one between you and your bf :) a private one

I'm surprised so many people think he would find out about it. Are the chances really that high? I can't even comprehend how much porn there is out there. I'd have thought that the chances of seeing that one single porn movie, out of the gazillion porn movies out there, would be one in, well, a gazillion.

Glad it worked out for you Crazy/Beautiful :)

Edit: Oops, you already told him. Cool.


I think it depends greatly on how long you've been together and how far you see the relationship going. I think there will come a point in the relationship where you will want to let him know. I mean, have you been seeing him for a month or two? That's too soon. Are you guys talking marriage? I think then you have to think harder about it. If he finds out beforehand you can tell him the truth, that you didn't want tell him until you knew things were getting serious.

Ok, here's how I think you should tell him when you do: You guys just had a great night out. You come back to his/your place and start going at it. A few minutes into the foreplay you sit up and say "Hey, wanna try this thing I did in my porn scene?"

hehe, ok, I am just kidding on that one.

Seriously, there will be a time to do it. The relationship will dictate when it is right. You don't want to go around telling every guy you date that you did porno. You have to know he is a good one, and the right one.

You mentioned he thinks porn stars are cool. If you tell him, and he thinks you're slutty that makes him one of the biggest, most regressed hypocrites in the world. Personally, if he thought porn stars are cool unless you date them, I'd leave him right then and there.
------------

Glad to hear things went well!

Honesty is the best policy my man!

People dont have the right to know everything about your past just because your in a relationship with them. Tell him if you feel like or just dont bother. If he ever finds out just say well it was none of your business as you were not together then. Its not like you have been unfaithful.

Porn is cool!

My girlfriend was in a nude scene for a student film. Her ex-boyfriend has this ability to convince any girl to get naked, and he makes films. I don't think she knows I have a copy of it. She knows I have seen it before. I don't watch it that often, but it is nice to have for when I am missing her.

Not this matters much at this point, but I personally do believe that anything you put out there on the Internet can and quite possibly will come and bite you in the arse. At least if you spend a fair amount of time online, or at least have some sort of web presence. It may seem unlikely, what with how vast the Net is, but as far as I'm concerned, it isn't that unlikely.

Let me share this story with you. I used to download porn from p2p networks such as KaZaA. I wasn't an addict, just a clip now and then to satisfy my lonely batchelor nights. Anywho, I once downloaded this less than a minute long porno starring a cute college (?) girl, freshman at best. It was hot, but it wasn't something I'd watch more than a few times. About six to nine months go by, and I am wondering aimlessly through LiveJournals, looking for nothing in particular, choosing sites at random. And I come across this very same chick's LiveJournal. She didn't have any clips of her little porno on her LJ, but that little mole on her cheek and her eyes instantly made me think I'd seen her somewhere. I found the file online again and downloaded it - and yeah. Same broad.

Being the young mischevious fella I was, I posted a still from the porno side by side with her more recent picture from her LJ, ON her LJ, and just asked if this was her. Sure enough did my comment get erased and my arse was banned from her journal pronto.

She had a different boyfriend at the time than before, at least she had just began to go out with some guy she really seemed to have feelings for, and although the jerk that I was I pondered long and hard whether to post the same question in her boyfriend's journal, I decided against it. As much fun as it might have been for me, God knows I've done things in the past I'd care not to re-live, and there was really no reason or justification for me to mess with her relationship, other than for my personal misguided delight, so I dropped it.

The thing is, once you allow something of yourself to get out there, you have pretty much no control whatsoever over it. Be mindful of that, and be safe.

And do expect the boomerang to fly back, quicksmart.

tell him - because it might go over well - if he finds it on his own it will almost surely go over badly

Funny thing is, I know EXACTLY who you are talking about. She used to post at another forum I frequent. I saw that clip, and saw the picture she had in her profile. It was the same person.

I didn't confront her though...

Glad thing's seem to be working themselve's out for you. Of course, now you have to worry about your kid's finding the video on the internet 20 years from now.

How weird would that be.

"Hey, she's pretty hot... but she looks a little familiar. Wait a second....."

:crazy: :hmm:

he will think this is sexy situation and his member will grow in stiffness!

tell for sure if you are for love!