relationship advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

pappymojo · 09-12-2003, 12:25 PM

OK. So I have had a crush on this girl that I work with for about a year now. At the time, she was going out with this guy that I thought was an asshole. I got to know her, and became her friend and then started to realize how beautiful she is.

Right around New Years she broke up with the guy she was going out with. I waited until February (Valentines Day) to tell her how wonderful she was and then to ask her out. I took her out for drinks a couple of times. We really had a lot of fun together. She was laughing and playing with her hair, but at other times she seemed kind of timid.

I didn't want to be pushy. So after the second time out, I only kind of half assed kissed her. She was timid, and I could kind of feel her pulling back.

So, anyways, at that point I told that I really dug her and thought she was amazing. She told me that she was not ready for a relationship. OK.

I tried to move on, but really couldn't. We still traded emails, and she confessed that she is pretty self conscious and that she has not had too many boyfriends. Those she has had have been jerks in one way or another. She is a petite girl. In the meantime, I have hooked up with girls that were hotter than her, but I cant think of anyone that I would consider to be more beautiful.

This girl and I, we really get along well. She has a poor self image, which I think that I have helped her to overcome. I've told her about a half a million times how beautiful that I thought that she was. She's really funny with amazing long hair and sweet legs and a cute butt.

We've been out drinking in groups together where I have rubbed her knee or held her hand when talking to her or even snuck a kiss when she wasn't expecting it. I've never gotten over her, and I think about her a lot.

OK, so recently I asked her out for drinks one final time and she said yes, but then due to schedule problems (equally my fault and hers) we've been putting it off. It looks like it is finally going to happen and that we are going to get together. She did include the following message in her last email though:

I guess I feel like I should warn you that I'm not looking for anything and I’m just looking to go out and have a good time and a good talk, etc. Does that make sense?

Now, I am a fairly good looking guy. I'm 6 feet tall and 190 pounds. I've been working out consistantly since New Years and I'm in good shape. I'm funny and gentle and patient (and I almost have a six pack from doing a million sit ups).

I want this girl to think of me as more than just a friend.

I think that part of the problem is that all of the guys she has been with have been jerks. I don't think she's used to a nice boy.

Also, the last time we went out for drinks, I don't know if I was aggressive enough.

So, we are getting together for drinks. How do I approach it? I would like to hear from girls and boys. I want to respect her feelings, but I also want her to understand how good it could be. How do I play it?

Thanks!

yournamehere · 09-12-2003, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pappymojo
She did include the following message in her last email though:
I guess I feel like I should warn you that I'm not looking for anything and I’m just looking to go out and have a good time and a good talk, etc. Does that make sense?

Quote:

Originally posted by pappymojo
I want to respect her feelings . . . How do I play it?

I think you already answered your question.

Nothing hurts quite like unrequited love.
We've all been there.

If you can - be a good friend for her.
If that's asking too much (and there's no shame in that), then you need to start distancing yourself from her (which is tough when you work together - I know).

Of course - she could just be testing you - maybe it wouldn't hurt to go for it this one last time.

Good luck - it sounds like you really care for this girl.

Tirian · 09-12-2003, 01:31 PM

"I didn't want to be pushy. So after the second time out, I only kind of half assed kissed her. She was timid, and I could kind of feel her pulling back. "

My opinion on this is YES I think you were agressive enough, as you put it. You exceeded her limits at the time.

The quote from her e-mail, ("I guess I feel like I should warn you that I'm not looking for anything") seems pretty clear and not too hard to understand.

Sounds like she is probably not going to be interested in a relationship until she knows a fellow really well. Not to mention she may be getting over previous rel. still etc.

Cynthetiq · 09-12-2003, 01:42 PM

*moved to tilted sexuality*
check out the HOW TO USE THE FORUM at the top...

be a gentleman, be her friend.

Thraeryn · 09-12-2003, 01:47 PM

This is a sucky situation. I advise you to do one of two things:
1) Give up and find someone else. This is a lot of work to go through.
2) Push and push and push and push, in very little, very small ways until she caves in.

Hell, it only took Jinya six years.

collide · 09-13-2003, 02:49 AM

Some of the best relationships start as close friendships. If you're willing to invest time on her to reach that level of intimacy, then I'd give it some time until she caves in (as Thraeryn said) and realizes what you already know.

Sometimes it really does take years to go from "hanging out" to "dating" status, so be patient, and just let her get to know you and vice versa.

arhat · 09-13-2003, 03:32 PM

Honesty, Honesty, Honesty.

Think about it. If all your girlfriends had broken your heart in one way or another, you'd be a little apprehensive about dating. Especially someone that you might like...or worse yet...fall in love with, only to be hurt again.

Suck it up, tell her that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever met inside and out-and mean it. Talk about why you feel this way about her. Here's the trick though. You have to do all this without coming on too strong.

Love is a tough thing. I think if you really put yourself out there, take a chance-so that she can see it-it'll work out.

Try reading Leo Bascaglia's book "Love." ( I know this sounds fruity, but try it. ) After you have read it, try to live by it, then, discuss it with this woman. (Kind of "metrosexual", so don't tell your friends about it.)

Finally, try to put yourself in her shoes. Think about how you feel when an attractive, interesting and generally cool woman tells you how great you are. It feels good, but if you'd been burned almost everytime you had dated, you'd be scared as hell. Make sure that you want this girl though. No one deserves a relationship with someone that is luke warm about them. It's just too much work. You gotta be stupidly in love with them, because that'll get you through all the times that you want to leave them.

Best of luck.

pappymojo · 09-15-2003, 04:34 AM

I appreciate it.

My biggest worry is that because as she admits she hasn't had a lot of success with boys, that she doesn't appreciate a gentle, patient boy who actually cares for her. I worry that she is steretyping me into a friend role just because of her own inexperience, when all of the traits that make me such a good friend would also make me a wonderful boyfriend or lover.

I am a nice boy though, and I do care for her. So I am going to take it easy and I am going to be her friend.

Patience. It's so hard sometimes.

meff · 09-15-2003, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pappymojo
OK. So I have had a crush on this girl that I work with for about a year now.

Whoa! Stop right there.. I think that's all I need to know.

Work relationships usually never work, or could even get you fired!

Be careful..

Johnny Rotten · 09-15-2003, 11:12 PM

Everyone has a different window in which they will respond positively to an advance. If you've already been working out with her for a year, you're pushing the extent of most windows. That's probably why you've met this resistance.

Harshaw · 09-16-2003, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Johnny Rotten
Everyone has a different window in which they will respond positively to an advance. If you've already been working out with her for a year, you're pushing the extent of most windows. That's probably why you've met this resistance.

Truer words are hard to find. It is possible, but you should probably stop stalling. You are going to need to take it slow, and realize that you may need to lose her as a friend (for a short time) to gain her as a girlfriend. I was best friends with my GF for 2 years before we started dating. I only asked her out because it was too painful not to anymore. Depending on how close you are, she may be afraid that she will lose you as a friend if the relationship goes sour. You may want to suggest a trial period or a few trial dates after which if nothing happens you promise to go back to being just friends.

daydream · 09-16-2003, 01:50 PM

I think the best thing you can do right now is to just be her friend... keep going out with her and having a good time like you always do....

She told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship so don't push it... or you will just push her away.

If you are who you say you are then In time I think she will definitely realize that you are a great guy and that you care about her... you just have to let her find that out for herself. And since she's had bad experiences with guys b4 you just have to show her over time that you are different..... Let her know through your actions that you are trustworthy and that you truly care about her. When she feels comfortable enough with you and knows that you are genuine she might just change her mind about only being friends.

wherearemypants · 09-17-2003, 11:03 AM

I've gotta agree with the consensus so far.
I've been in that situation, and it's hell, definitely, but it very well may come down to being her friend or being nothing. There's no "right" answer to what to do there, just what you think you should.

bobmsmythe · 09-17-2003, 11:33 AM

Listen:

Why the hell is it that every time a girl doesn't like a guy it's because of self-esteem issues or that she only likes jerks or whatever? She's told you that she doesn't want to sleep with you. So, whatever. You can go on thinking she's the most beautiful girl in the whole universe and nothing will ever amount to a strand of her hair or something, or you can do like grown-ups do and move on. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I remember when I was like this and ultimately you need to get over yourself. You're not in a movie.

Bob

pappymojo · 09-17-2003, 12:17 PM

back off, bob. she has told me that she has self esteem issues and she has confessed that the boys she has been with in the past havent treated her right (and that this causes a lot of her self esteem issues). She hasnt said that she doesnt want to sleep with me. She said that she wasnt ready for a relationship.

I don't get the thing about not being in a movie.

Robblee · 09-17-2003, 02:25 PM

Some good advise above. good luck with it big felllaaaa!!

bobmsmythe · 09-18-2003, 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by pappymojo
back off, bob. she has told me that she has self esteem issues and she has confessed that the boys she has been with in the past havent treated her right (and that this causes a lot of her self esteem issues). She hasnt said that she doesnt want to sleep with me. She said that she wasnt ready for a relationship.

I don't get the thing about not being in a movie.

Listen, do what you want. But I'm speaking from experience.

Bob

sigma1042 · 09-18-2003, 06:55 AM

stop hanging out with her
let her know that you can't be friends with her
your feelings for something more are too strong
and that will lead to eventual hurt for both of you
and the best way to make her happiest is not to keep upsetting and confusing her
the best thing for you is to concentrate on finding someone else that is looking for a relationship

a few things can then happen
you take time away from her, find another girl, live happily ever after, she may come back into your life as a friend
you take time away (months), find a another girl or 2, this girl comes back into your life, now ready for something more with
you
she puts real thought into you willing to walk away just for her happiness and changes her mind

yeah, the first one worked for me

wry1 · 09-18-2003, 07:45 AM

First off....Bob's not speaking from experience, he's speaking from bitterness. Ignore his cynicism and pay attention to the basic truths as you know them. From what I've read, the are:

1. You are completely infatuated with this girl, and other girls don't take the edge off your (for wont of a better word) crush.

2. While she hasn't said "no" to you, she's definitely in a holding pattern where relationships in general are concerned.

3. You're definitely willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship with this girl work.

Okay, so how do you go about doing this? It's quite simple....but it'll take time (and probably cost a nice chunk of $$). I did something like this with a girl who was pretty much to me what this one is for you - the only difference being that I didn't work with her, but I still saw her daily. So here's what you do......

*** Tell her that you realize she's not ready for a romantic relationship, but that you really do enjoy spending time with her and would at least like to go out and about as friends - but make sure to imply that you'll both see how it goes from there.

*** Go to places which are fun yet casual. Have a great time but don't try kissing her (especially at first), just brush against her initially and work your way up - through several of these "dates" - to hand-holding. Don't do the whole "Dinner and a Movie" thing. It's an obvious date and she'll begin to get antsy again! The whole point is to get her comfortable with the concept of being around you in something other than a work situation. Likewise, try to avoid going clubbing. Ask yourself: would this be a "date" with any other woman? If so, don't do it. So you'll have to get creative.....Art galleries, museums, wine-tastings are all good ones, though!

*** Once she's relaxed and comfortable, kick it up a notch. In my case, I took the girl in question (Kim) to a traveling production of a Broadway play. She'd never been to anything like that, and had such a wonderful time that she wound up completely caught up in the romance of it all and let down her barriers.

But you've got to be patient! This will take quite a bit of time on your part, and the frustration level can run high - especially when you want nothing more than to lean in and kiss this girl.

Good luck, and let us all know how it goes!

09-12-2003, 12:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
pappymojo Tilted Location: boston	relationship advice OK. So I have had a crush on this girl that I work with for about a year now. At the time, she was going out with this guy that I thought was an asshole. I got to know her, and became her friend and then started to realize how beautiful she is. Right around New Years she broke up with the guy she was going out with. I waited until February (Valentines Day) to tell her how wonderful she was and then to ask her out. I took her out for drinks a couple of times. We really had a lot of fun together. She was laughing and playing with her hair, but at other times she seemed kind of timid. I didn't want to be pushy. So after the second time out, I only kind of half assed kissed her. She was timid, and I could kind of feel her pulling back. So, anyways, at that point I told that I really dug her and thought she was amazing. She told me that she was not ready for a relationship. OK. I tried to move on, but really couldn't. We still traded emails, and she confessed that she is pretty self conscious and that she has not had too many boyfriends. Those she has had have been jerks in one way or another. She is a petite girl. In the meantime, I have hooked up with girls that were hotter than her, but I cant think of anyone that I would consider to be more beautiful. This girl and I, we really get along well. She has a poor self image, which I think that I have helped her to overcome. I've told her about a half a million times how beautiful that I thought that she was. She's really funny with amazing long hair and sweet legs and a cute butt. We've been out drinking in groups together where I have rubbed her knee or held her hand when talking to her or even snuck a kiss when she wasn't expecting it. I've never gotten over her, and I think about her a lot. OK, so recently I asked her out for drinks one final time and she said yes, but then due to schedule problems (equally my fault and hers) we've been putting it off. It looks like it is finally going to happen and that we are going to get together. She did include the following message in her last email though: I guess I feel like I should warn you that I'm not looking for anything and I’m just looking to go out and have a good time and a good talk, etc. Does that make sense? Now, I am a fairly good looking guy. I'm 6 feet tall and 190 pounds. I've been working out consistantly since New Years and I'm in good shape. I'm funny and gentle and patient (and I almost have a six pack from doing a million sit ups). I want this girl to think of me as more than just a friend. I think that part of the problem is that all of the guys she has been with have been jerks. I don't think she's used to a nice boy. Also, the last time we went out for drinks, I don't know if I was aggressive enough. So, we are getting together for drinks. How do I approach it? I would like to hear from girls and boys. I want to respect her feelings, but I also want her to understand how good it could be. How do I play it? Thanks! Last edited by pappymojo; 09-15-2003 at 07:12 AM..

09-12-2003, 01:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	moved to tilted sexuality check out the HOW TO USE THE FORUM at the top... be a gentleman, be her friend. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

09-13-2003, 02:49 AM	#6 (permalink)
collide Turn off your TV. Location: ... .- -. ..-. .-. .- -. -.-. .. ... -.-. --- --..-- -.-. .-	Some of the best relationships start as close friendships. If you're willing to invest time on her to reach that level of intimacy, then I'd give it some time until she caves in (as Thraeryn said) and realizes what you already know. Sometimes it really does take years to go from "hanging out" to "dating" status, so be patient, and just let her get to know you and vice versa. __________________ "inhuman fiery goat worship" is an anagram for "information superhighway" -kingvolc

09-15-2003, 04:34 AM	#8 (permalink)
pappymojo Tilted Location: boston	thanks for your feedback I appreciate it. My biggest worry is that because as she admits she hasn't had a lot of success with boys, that she doesn't appreciate a gentle, patient boy who actually cares for her. I worry that she is steretyping me into a friend role just because of her own inexperience, when all of the traits that make me such a good friend would also make me a wonderful boyfriend or lover. I am a nice boy though, and I do care for her. So I am going to take it easy and I am going to be her friend. Patience. It's so hard sometimes.

09-15-2003, 11:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
Johnny Rotten lost and found Location: Berkeley	Everyone has a different window in which they will respond positively to an advance. If you've already been working out with her for a year, you're pushing the extent of most windows. That's probably why you've met this resistance. __________________ "The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

09-12-2003, 01:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
Tirian Addict Location: Canada	"I didn't want to be pushy. So after the second time out, I only kind of half assed kissed her. She was timid, and I could kind of feel her pulling back. " My opinion on this is YES I think you were agressive enough, as you put it. You exceeded her limits at the time. The quote from her e-mail, ("I guess I feel like I should warn you that I'm not looking for anything") seems pretty clear and not too hard to understand. Sounds like she is probably not going to be interested in a relationship until she knows a fellow really well. Not to mention she may be getting over previous rel. still etc.

09-12-2003, 01:47 PM	#5 (permalink)
Thraeryn Loser	This is a sucky situation. I advise you to do one of two things: 1) Give up and find someone else. This is a lot of work to go through. 2) Push and push and push and push, in very little, very small ways until she caves in. Hell, it only took Jinya six years.

09-13-2003, 03:32 PM	#7 (permalink)
arhat Upright Location: Santa Cruz. CA	Honesty, Honesty, Honesty. Think about it. If all your girlfriends had broken your heart in one way or another, you'd be a little apprehensive about dating. Especially someone that you might like...or worse yet...fall in love with, only to be hurt again. Suck it up, tell her that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever met inside and out-and mean it. Talk about why you feel this way about her. Here's the trick though. You have to do all this without coming on too strong. Love is a tough thing. I think if you really put yourself out there, take a chance-so that she can see it-it'll work out. Try reading Leo Bascaglia's book "Love." ( I know this sounds fruity, but try it. ) After you have read it, try to live by it, then, discuss it with this woman. (Kind of "metrosexual", so don't tell your friends about it.) Finally, try to put yourself in her shoes. Think about how you feel when an attractive, interesting and generally cool woman tells you how great you are. It feels good, but if you'd been burned almost everytime you had dated, you'd be scared as hell. Make sure that you want this girl though. No one deserves a relationship with someone that is luke warm about them. It's just too much work. You gotta be stupidly in love with them, because that'll get you through all the times that you want to leave them. Best of luck.

09-16-2003, 01:50 PM	#12 (permalink)
daydream Crazy Location: Long Island, NY	I think the best thing you can do right now is to just be her friend... keep going out with her and having a good time like you always do.... She told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship so don't push it... or you will just push her away. If you are who you say you are then In time I think she will definitely realize that you are a great guy and that you care about her... you just have to let her find that out for herself. And since she's had bad experiences with guys b4 you just have to show her over time that you are different..... Let her know through your actions that you are trustworthy and that you truly care about her. When she feels comfortable enough with you and knows that you are genuine she might just change her mind about only being friends. __________________ "Can't help it if I space in a daze, my eyes tune out the other way... I may switch off and go in a daydream... in this head my thoughts are deep, Sometimes I can't even speak, would someone be and not pretend, I'm off again in my world"

09-17-2003, 11:03 AM	#13 (permalink)
wherearemypants Upright Location: The District of Columbia	I've gotta agree with the consensus so far. I've been in that situation, and it's hell, definitely, but it very well may come down to being her friend or being nothing. There's no "right" answer to what to do there, just what you think you should. __________________ And Shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee, power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patri et Fili Spiritu Sancte. -Boondock Saints

09-17-2003, 11:33 AM	#14 (permalink)
bobmsmythe Crazy Location: NYC	Listen: Why the hell is it that every time a girl doesn't like a guy it's because of self-esteem issues or that she only likes jerks or whatever? She's told you that she doesn't want to sleep with you. So, whatever. You can go on thinking she's the most beautiful girl in the whole universe and nothing will ever amount to a strand of her hair or something, or you can do like grown-ups do and move on. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I remember when I was like this and ultimately you need to get over yourself. You're not in a movie. Bob

09-17-2003, 12:17 PM	#15 (permalink)
pappymojo Tilted Location: boston	back off, bob. she has told me that she has self esteem issues and she has confessed that the boys she has been with in the past havent treated her right (and that this causes a lot of her self esteem issues). She hasnt said that she doesnt want to sleep with me. She said that she wasnt ready for a relationship. I don't get the thing about not being in a movie.

09-17-2003, 02:25 PM	#16 (permalink)
Robblee Tilted Location: Nova Scotia	Some good advise above. good luck with it big felllaaaa!!

09-18-2003, 06:55 AM	#18 (permalink)
sigma1042 Crazy	stop hanging out with her let her know that you can't be friends with her your feelings for something more are too strong and that will lead to eventual hurt for both of you and the best way to make her happiest is not to keep upsetting and confusing her the best thing for you is to concentrate on finding someone else that is looking for a relationship a few things can then happen you take time away from her, find another girl, live happily ever after, she may come back into your life as a friend you take time away (months), find a another girl or 2, this girl comes back into your life, now ready for something more with you she puts real thought into you willing to walk away just for her happiness and changes her mind yeah, the first one worked for me __________________ [Arthur] HA HA HA HA, It's a little joke![/Arthur] Last edited by sigma1042; 09-18-2003 at 06:58 AM..

09-18-2003, 07:45 AM	#19 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	First off....Bob's not speaking from experience, he's speaking from bitterness. Ignore his cynicism and pay attention to the basic truths as you know them. From what I've read, the are: 1. You are completely infatuated with this girl, and other girls don't take the edge off your (for wont of a better word) crush. 2. While she hasn't said "no" to you, she's definitely in a holding pattern where relationships in general are concerned. 3. You're definitely willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship with this girl work. Okay, so how do you go about doing this? It's quite simple....but it'll take time (and probably cost a nice chunk of $$). I did something like this with a girl who was pretty much to me what this one is for you - the only difference being that I didn't work with her, but I still saw her daily. So here's what you do...... * Tell her that you realize she's not ready for a romantic relationship, but that you really do enjoy spending time with her and would at least like to go out and about as friends - but make sure to imply that you'll both see how it goes from there. * Go to places which are fun yet casual. Have a great time but don't try kissing her (especially at first), just brush against her initially and work your way up - through several of these "dates" - to hand-holding. Don't do the whole "Dinner and a Movie" thing. It's an obvious date and she'll begin to get antsy again! The whole point is to get her comfortable with the concept of being around you in something other than a work situation. Likewise, try to avoid going clubbing. Ask yourself: would this be a "date" with any other woman? If so, don't do it. So you'll have to get creative.....Art galleries, museums, wine-tastings are all good ones, though! *** Once she's relaxed and comfortable, kick it up a notch. In my case, I took the girl in question (Kim) to a traveling production of a Broadway play. She'd never been to anything like that, and had such a wonderful time that she wound up completely caught up in the romance of it all and let down her barriers. But you've got to be patient! This will take quite a bit of time on your part, and the frustration level can run high - especially when you want nothing more than to lean in and kiss this girl. Good luck, and let us all know how it goes!