is it okay for a man to not come?
 

i'm looking for men and women's opinions on this.

some times when we have sex it's so hard for me to come that I just can't. I get too tired and we have to stop. She comes just fine, and that makes me feel good, so I don't really mind. Hell, it's even easier on the clean-up.

Guys: ever happen to you? do you feel bad/good/ok about it?

Women: ever have this happen to your man? do you mind? does it make you feel like you failed at all?

It has happened to me before, but not often...I am not sure if it is okay or not?

How much practice do you have with her? If it's still awkward it's very understandable. Also, if you are trying to do it multiple times per day, it could also be difficult to come every time.

It's difficult for guys if they always have to do all the work. Is it easier for you to come if she is on top? Have her share the load.

Bottom line, about 1 time in 10, my hubby doesn't get off from intercourse. Usually it's because he is too tired or we've done it too recently or he's having a hard time with getting me off or his mind just isn't on it.

In those cases, we do something else.

yeah, we've been together almost a year and we have sex about 1.5 times a day on average (some days none, some days lots and lots). We use a lot of positions, and we both love girl-on-top :) I have to tense my thighs and buttocks to come some times (esp. if we had sex recently), so if my legs get too tired I just can't come.

when we have sex frequently that's when it's hard for me to come.

i guess my opinion on the subject is "If I can get it up...I want sex!" I don't really care if I can come or not.

do you as a woman feel bad when your man can't come?

Are you circumsized or not? Not sure if there is any actual correlation, but the only times I've experienced a man not ejaculating was with uncut men. Perhaps there is a relation and perhaps not. Just thought I'd throw that out there, though.

When the guy doesn't come, for me, it's kind of disappointing in the sense that I don't get that extra messy treat at the end and/or because I feel like I'm not doing something good enough. If it were every now and then, it wouldn't be that bad, but with the guys I've experienced this with it was a habitual ongoing issue.

No if he's getting it 1.5 times a day (which is about what my husband gets if you include all forms of sex) and doesn't come sometimes, that's fine if he enjoys it. On the other hand, I can usually get inside his head and get to him that way.

BTW: Hubby's personal best for # of times getting off in 24 hours through intercourse is 4 with me alone and 6 with me and another woman in bed with him at the same time. If you're having trouble on the third or fourth time in 24 hours, give yourself a break. You're human.

usually have trouble after been at it a few times.. oh and tensing your legs should be a subconcious reaction to your orgasm.. happens to me that way.. don't force it you'll only reduce your stamina. After me and my girl have had a session and we want to go again it usually lasts alot longer which is good in a way.. ;)

If you're enjoying yourself, that's all that matters. Sure it feels bad not coming, but if you are both left feeling somewhat satisfied, I believe that's all that matters.
Yes, it has happened to me on a couple occassions. My fiancee and I have liked it a little more because we get the feelings of sex, but no cleanup which we both dislike.

But cleanup is one of the best parts!

Don't worry about not coming...
Worrying s THE best way of making orgasm less frequent.

If you have a steady partner and she's ok, and you don't feel 'cheated' then what's to worry?

Enjoy the sex, have fun!

This started happening later in life and mostly if either I had masturbated earlier in the day and/or had to wear a condom. I just run out of steam before I can make it happen...

It also happens when I get really close to the edge and pull back. I believe in this case I have actually climaxed but not ejaculated. I find it very difficult to get myself back up to full after this has happened. I find that I need the usual recovery time that I would need if I had actually ejaculated.

of course it's ok.

it's (in my mind at least..) ok for either partner to not come, regardless of gender.

regarding 'feeling like a failure' -
i've told my bf on several occasions when i've not orgasm'd during sex, that it has _nothing_ to do with either of our abilities or whatever. just sometimes doesn't happen, and i'd hate for him to feel like he did anything wrong..

...and so i believe it also wouldn't be fair for me to take it personally if he didn't orgasm.

now...regarding your situation etc...

if you feel like you're not going to be able to orgasm during intercourse (which is a perfectly normal occasional feeling)
then you can either get off another way, or just stop, do it some other time.

no big deal, really. :)

it is ok for you, but for me, to come is superior!

anti-depressants could be causing this as well. The one time I've been on them (about 2 years ago), it was nigh on impossible for me to come, from intercourse or masturbation.

At that point it becomes a question of weighing the lesser evil :)

I'd imagine some girls would like not being covered in goo afterwards :D

This is only happened a few times with my husband and I. And I do feel like I have failed when this happens. He is totally alright with it and says as long as I come he is fine with it. But I still feel like I have let him down. Just my personal opinion.

I did have a girl very dear to me be hurt because she couldn't get me to come via oral sex. She wouldn't accept that it wasn't her fault, and took it as a blow to her pride in her fellatic abilities.

It's fine. Happens to me a lot, actually. Takes me an epoch, an eon and a day to nut, and I'm usually too worn out to try after a while. It's not the high point of the act anyway, so why worry about it?

This happens to me, and it has been a source of frustration to my wife who can't understand that it just happens. Early on in our relationship, she couldn't get off on intercourse except on rare occasions. I got off every single time. This was helped by me mainly manipulating her in certain positions however the results were still less than spectacular. She had her best orgasms using the jet tub at home. I finally convinced her to show me how she did it, and I started getting her off with my hand. Now she has an orgasm or two almost every single time. However now that I am a little older I don't always come right away. Sometimes I get tired in the middle and lose my erection for a short bit. I rest up about 5 minutes and then we are back at it. Also, if I'm highly distracted going into sex (due to thinking about a problem at work, etc.), I find it very difficult to maintain an erection to completion. This happens about 1 in 8 or 9 times that we have sex (too tired or distracted). It isn't a big thing to me, but it can upset her. We try to not have sex now when we are tired or one or either of us is distracted. One way I found to help this is to really get mentally connected ahead of the event. We will sit on the bed and just talk and touch each other for 15 to 20 minutes. This is great foreplay and really gets you in the "zone".

Yeah, it's happened to me before... mainly after a night of drinking. Which is every night but that's another story.

I don't think there's a problem with it. As long as it doesn't start to hurt. Blue balls are a bitch.

Wow. I've been doing my husband this way for a long time and still can't get him off orally without help except on rare occasions.

This is just how it is for us.

Quote:

... One way I found to help this is to really get mentally connected ahead of the event. We will sit on the bed and just talk and touch each other for 15 to 20 minutes. This is great foreplay and really gets you in the "zone".

Yes. Conversation is a great turn on!

If you are having sex for a second, third, or fourth time in a short period, i think it's pretty normal to be able to go forever without cumming. I think the numbness, along with just loss of energy, and other things just makes it hard to go too many times in a short period.

The only time I got off from oral was with a professional when I was about 22). Even girls who said that guys came all the time with them doing it haven't been able to do it. I just think there are just guys that don't get off that easily from it.

I thought of this a bit later. The other night I couldn't come with sex for some reason (the feeling just wasn't right and I was getting tired), so I pulled out and she kissed my neck and rubbed me while I masturbated to completion. That was something new for us, and while I don't want to do it all the time it did the trick. Sometimes for me it just takes a certain amount of pressure on the right part of the penis to climax, and this is more easily achieved through masturbation.

as long as both people are happy and satisfied, what else matters

It has happenned to me, but only once or twice. I think it is perfectly ok if I don't come, so long as I pay attention to the needs of my partner.

I dont' think it would be ok if it were the norm though. But that would just be my dissatisfaction with not coming.

Maybe because I may be a little older, it has happened before and truthfully, it was ok to hear "honey I can't go any more: I'm too tired" from the wife.

This is a very normal thing for couples who have been together for a while. While she is laying next to you, she can also whisper things in your ear, or nibble on it.

I enjoy laying next to my husband while he dose it. I help out by touching him here and there and getting inside his head. It's really a lot of fun to feel him come and be able to just have fun watching and feeling it.

It is as ok with men as it is with women. Whatever you feel about one, you should feel about the other.

Think of all the times you came and she didn't, then just call it payback.

I had this problem one time when my ex was giving me head. I think she might just be bad at that, or I am not a fan of bjs.

I'm slowly teaching my wife about those kinds of things, Angela. In some ways I'm still learning them myself. I slept around a bunch in my younger days, but it was always about the physical and not the mental. Now that I'm a little older and wiser, I have found the mental part of the act to be much more stimulating. For several years, my wife felt completely inadequate at sex and nothing I could say would convince her otherwise. What finally changed was letting her know that it was okay to be a bit selfish in bed. Once she started to get regular orgasms (and knew that I REALLY wanted to do that for her), it has really opened things up.

Yeah, occasionally this happens..well, I think I have always come, but at times it took a while. But I figure, if there is no frequent problem (not for me) and you are committed to one girl (soon to be one year) then you may not get off one night, but you are sure to get it the next.

thanks for the opinions, everyone.

i appreciate hearing the advice and commiseration of you guys ;)

It happens to me occasionally. Don't think there is anything wrong with it - well, except that i have a severe case of blue balls.

Me and my girl were at it all night and i never came even once.
I think that could be affected by the alcohol that i had.
Or, sometimes, whenever my mind wanders off, thinking about other stuff, i never get there.

sooo..it happens, occasionally. nothing wrong with it i think.

it's pretty much impossible for me to come through oral. fellatic skills have really nothing to do with it.

i guess i could pull it off if i didn't beat off or had sex for a few months.

Its happened to me a few times, and actually those times are when I have the best sex, because my wood lasts forever, and my .. well ex now, but she has multiple orgasms. And staying in her while erect, while she had just had her orgasm, is just wonderful, how warm it is. But then it sucks, because she's tired and I'm still pretty horny after that. It is very, very, very difficult to sleep with an erection, especially with a really hot naked chick right next to you

I don't always come from sex, and when that happens she either finishes me off some other way, or we call it quits and cuddle.
Its nothing to get worked up about, unless it happens all the time.

I used to have a problem with this when I was on Prozac... I could not orgasm AT ALL. I could get hard and basically go on "for hours". She'd come several times, and I would not get off at all. She was happy... But my self-image took one in the gut.

Eventually I got off the meds and haven't had problems with that since...

I don't think it is unusual or something to be embarrassed about.

You know, the Asians (well some of them at least) think that its a good thing not to cum. They seem to be into a bit of "conserve bodily fluids" kick. The Ideal they recommend for a 40-60 year old is to come about once a week, but to have sex a lot. Its more or less the same Idea as tantra.

I know I personally played with that for a while, and it was a lot of fun. (I would still be working on it but I seem to have misplaced my woman) But perhaps the single greatest part about it is if you succeed in not coming its a feat, its something you and your SO feel good about, very good about. Its an achievement, and it also means that you won't be nearly as tired the next day, or even in a few hours. (I.E. more fun time)