My love, but his love too.

[-Anders]

A sad story, i think so anyway.

One time, while doing my last year in public school (10th grade)
One of my friends and myself desided we would have a bit of fun in the weekend, so we went back to his place (no this is not some homosexual thing, so it's safe to read on if you're a homofobic) and found a few girls on the internet he had been talking with a bit, they were at them time a year or so younger than we were (they were 15, and we were 16 and 17, me being the older one)
We arranged for us to take them to the movies (We saw 'What woman want' rather funny movie actually, starring mel gibson).
We met them later that night at the trainyard, at first my friend said to me that we should call it off - he told me that he felt they looked a tad young, i told him that it would be rather mean to the girls, beside - you're only one year older than they are, kiddo.
We went over to them and talked with a bit, and went to the movies, we saw the flick and went our sepperate ways. (They had to go home, oh the joy of being young - hehe).
we talked later the next day over the internet (IRC actually, if anyone here's familiar with that, you may know it as mIRC)
After a while the one girl (Sandie, main character of this story) told me that she was interested in my frind (Jonas, insignificant for the further story)
But nothing ever came from that, and she started to dislike him after getting to know him better. (He has that effect on girls, its a shame really).
Then nothing happened for a few years or so, i'm not quite certain of the timeline here.

But about a year ago (late summer 2002) I started talking with her (Sandie) again over the internet, this time alot as it were from my home where i now had access to a private computer and had internet acces.
We talked about everything, about how life were, how she felt about her downs.
She had those a lot, living with her boyfriend(note this) and having no job herself and him going to school everyday she was bored, and very unhappy with how things were.
As we got to be closer and closer friends we started talking about more intimate things, her love life, ex boyfriends (For her case, i can't say that ive had any girlfriends that were worth mentioning, but we did talk about them a bit)
We had long chats lasting several hours, from time to time even over the night. She did complain a bit about me robbing her of all her sleep, hehe. It's all in a good fun.
We talked about sex, (well, her sex actually, i am a virgin so i dont exactly have a lot of expierience on that field)
About desires, what i had tryed, her expieriences - favorite positions and so on. We both got a bit turned on by this, as she said 'I have to bite my finger if i want it to stay uphere'.
That night when i went to bed i thought to myself 'i wonder if we are getting a bit to serious with all this, after all – she does have a boyfriend.'
Even tho' i did like her alot, i felt bad about talking about so serious thing when she were with her boyfriend (They have been together for over 2 years now).
But i kept quiet about it for some time.
But one night after i had been drinking by my self (I did that some time ago, finishing a bottle of white wine over the evening, just to catch a little buzz) and went to bed i recieved a sms from her (We communicated that way when her boyfriend fell asleep).
It read something along the lines of 'You know Anders, your person really turn me on'
Being a tad drunk i had some difficoulties answering in an orderly manner, but i did manage to tell her that i felt the same way, even moreso i was really starting to like her alot.
But trying to be the gentleman i thought i were (note this) i told her that it was proberly not a good idea if we spoke more of this, as she were deeply involved with her boyfriend.
We managed to be friends for some time, and not talk about that or anything like that.
And not speaking about love and relationships, lust, desires and those things.
After a while she told me that she was not happy with living together with her boyfriend, she needed time alone and wanted to move back in with her parents.
After a few months or so, and alot of discussing this, both with me and with her boyfriend ofcourse, she went for it and moved back to her parents.
Now things really started to pick up, we talked almost non stop when we were both at home (Wich we were alot).
I kept getting more and more in to her, basicly having a huge crush on her, but i didnt think i could tell her, i felt ashamed for feeling that way about a girl that were already 'spoken for'.
More time passed, we talked and talked.
I started calling her up on the phone alot, talking in the evenings (Spending alot of cash that way, i didnt have much left after the phone bill, hehe.).
One day, after letting her know that i were going down to grab some dinner i came back to the message left on irc 'This isn't funny anymore Anders, i think i'm falling in love with you'.
Being quite shoked by that message i send her yet another sms, asking if she would come back to the computer so we could talk about this, she did (Thank god).
She told me that she had felt this way for some time, and really wanted to tell me.
I Told her that i had felt the same way about her for quite some time, but never had the courrage to tell her, and feeling bad about it too – i never did before she told me.
I now understood that this could get serious, alot more serious than anyting i've ever tryed before. (Not that it's alot).
We talked alot about how we both felt that night over the phone. (Perhaps i should let you know that she lives quite some way from me? I just did now).
We talked a lot more the following days, and now i'm really head over heels for her, yet failing to udnerstand how she could feel anything for me
(Imean, how could someone that smart beautiful and sweet feel anything for someone like me, you know – the usual jabber)
(IIWe kept talking, falling more and more in love with each other.
It culminated (Is that an english word at all? Insert 'happened' if it's not) with mee going to the town she lives in (Copenhagen, Denmark) to visit one of my friends and i told her that i would -really- like to see her.
We arranged to meet at the local mall and walked around a bit talking about this and that.
She told me that i should stop looking at her all the time, and i suppose i did do that, heh.
We walked around a bit, she joked about noone likeing her, i told her no but she insisted.
I then put my hand on her sholder and stopped her, eaned in and gave her a little peck on her mouth. I told her 'I like you, see?' Heheh. That wasnt all to clever, but she didnt mind to much, she just told me that i were crazy.
We sat down at a bench and talked a bit, she was a bit nervous that anyone she knew should see us, but that didnt happen.
We talked some more, and she leaned back and put her hands on the bench. (It's the type without a back, basicly just a small table if you know what kind i am reffering to)
After i had gathered all of my courage i put my hand on top of hers, and looked her in the eyes.
We both leaned tords eachother and kissed.
Softly, quitly – it was perfect. Her tender lips touching mine, our tounges softly caressing eachother.
I was in heaven. She asked me if i were nervous, because my lips were trembling.
I admitted that i were, she told me that she found it cute that i were that nervous over her.
I smiled and didnt know what to say. We looked at eachother a bit, and decided to move on, we got up still holding hands and started walking.
She let go of my hand and told me that she was afraid that we would be seen together, and asked if i felt bad about that.
I told her that i wasnt to happy with it, but it was her choise.
We walked over to the supermarket to buy some soda and chips for something i were doing later that evening. (No significance).
We walked out to my car and loaded it in the trunk.
She then told me that she had to go home soon.
I felt terrible, she was leaving me. I gave her a hug. But i couldnt let go, i just stood there holding here, telling her that i didnt want her to go.
I wanted this to last forever. She asked me if she could come closer to me, and i let her. We stood like that for atleast 10 minutes, she kept telling me that she had to go, but she didn't let go of me either.
After quite some time i finally let go of her, and she started walking away.
I took two quick steps up to her and wrapped my arm around her again, i couldnt let her go yet.
I told her that i loved her (I did, i may have been just 18 years of age, but then it's puppy love or whatever, i do know what i felt).
She couldnt get herself to say it, she is very shy by nature. She only told me over the phone.
After some time of silence, she told me that the last bus was going in 5 minutes and she had to leave now.
I let her go, it was painfull – but i had to. I watched her walk all the way over to the busstop and saw her dissapear from my sight.
I were as sad as sad comes.
I got in my car a few minutes later, after hoping for her to return.
She didnt ofcourse, so i drove back to my friend, i wasn't exactly in the best mood that night.
Life went on, we talked and talked and nothing really changed for some time.
But after some time, she told me that we needed to cool things down, this couldnt go on forever.
I told her that this isnt what i wanted, but i respect her wishes and tryed to back off a bit, it never really happened, but we did slow things down.
Not talking as sweet as we used to do, not talking on the phone all the time.
I got to be a bit depressed, my weekly highlight was when i got to talk with her on the phone.
After one night we talked about things like we used to, all sweet and perfect i recieved an sms from her at school where she told me that she had told her boyfriend about the two of us.
I was in chock. She actually told him about us?
I asked how he took it, and she told me that he was a bit sad but he managed it and told her that it was just something that they should both forget about.
I didn't really understand this, how could he be so cool about it?
Some days passed and i got her on the phone again and asked her about it, she said that she only told him about us meeting and me kissing her.
Nothing about the emotions involved, nothing about the fact that she willingly kissed me.
Ofcourse now i understood it better, that wasn't all that bad, so i guess he could forgive her.
I left the IRC network that they were both residing on, i couldnt let him face me with it, i would be torn apart.
We talked casually the next week or so, and she told me that she would be going with him on holiday for 7 or 8 weeks, and i told her that then we couldnt talk to eachother then.
She left last week, and we didnt speak with eachother at all.
Untill yesterday, se sms'ed me and asked how i was doing, and we chit-chatted a bit about nothing at all.
As i got home she told me to turn on my webcam so she could see me, i did and we talked a bit over icq while her boyfriend was at school.
I started feeling sadder and sadder about it, and ran out of there and layed down on the couch and thought about a lot of things concerning the both of us, and finally fell a sleep.
I woke up a couple of hours later, and went back tot he computer, there was a goodbye message there, and she was offline.
I Felt bad for leaving her like that, but it was too late to do anything about that now. That was the last i heard from her, but i hope she gets some time to talk with me again later, and i hope i'm not going to be such a jackass the next time.

If you're reading this Sandie, i left out some details that docent concern anyone else.
This proberly dosent either, but i needed to get this out of my system, letting someone know.

And Kim (Sandie's real boyfriend). If you are reading this, then i am sory that you should find out more this way, and not from Sandie Herself.

Thank you if you read through all of this, i hope you will not batter me for this, but i dont think that you will, this community is so much better than anything else on the web.

Sorry about the poor use of english, it is not my native language.

Please make me aware of any misspellings and incorrect use of grammar and i will correct it.

Furthermore, i am sorry about the formatting, but i wrote this out pretty quick and didnt take much notice of where i placed my linebreaks.

Anders Kraneled.

[TheUnknownSaint]

I know -Anders in personally - and i also knew the thing about Sandie...

Anders is indeed a good mate - he also listen to me when i have problems with my girlfriend.

I was also shocked when i heard that Sandie had told her boyfriend about their "relationship" - when i saw them chat over IRC there was no sign of that so would tell it - sweet chat - i was almost jaloux because i have never chatted like that with my girlfriend...

I'll hope that Sandie and Anders atleast can be friends - they both disserve that!
I'll not say that I hope that Sandie and Kim will break up - unless their relationsship dont work - because it never nice when a couple breaks - myself i fear that my relationsship with my girlfriend soon will break.
But ill hope that if Sandie and Kims relationsship brakes then Sandie and Anders can be together, and that it will work...


My best hopes from
Mikkel Riber - TheUnknownSaint

[illdeviant]

hey man. sounds rough. i don't know, man. you seem like a great guy and everything, but makin a move especially in the mall when she was still w/her bf? i don't deem that too wise, but if your gonna take the chance, you also have to be open to the fact that you may get rejected. btw. im not saying you WERE rejected, but seeing how you reacted w/all the depression and such w/how she reacted, i dont' think that you'd take it too well. anyhow, women are mysterious in their ways. im 18, and i've had 3. 7mths longest so far (this is a current relationship) and 1 rejection. and i still don't understand them for the most part. the reason why i don't think that makin a move was good when she was still w/him was cause obviously, she was still .. uh. connected to him and there's never a clean break; its ALWAYS messy. it makes it all the more harder for her. let it go, man. it'd be great if you can become the great friends you were before u guys became open with your true feelings (personally, when i breached the friend barrier and tried to get closer, i could never revert back.) but if you can, great. otherwise, let it go,man. it just seems that you are losing MORE sleep than she is over the situation, and if she isnt as taken back w/the situation at all, i don't think she's worth it. this is just what i gained from your story w/my past experiences. hope i've been of help. best of luck,man.

[-Anders]

Yeah i know it wasn't the wisest of choices to make a move in the mall, but i really felt the need to, and i know she had the same desire, not anything sexual or anything.
Just knowing that we both mean it.
Unfortuantly she's more in love with her boyfriend than me, so i can't even give her an ultimatum, that would be cruel eitherway.
She's on vacation with him right now, and will be for atleast a month, proberly more.
Ii fear that she have lost interest in me when it's over, but then on the other hand - she tell's me that she gets tired of him after some time, and starts missing me.
I dont know if she actually means that, or just says so to be nice, but i trust her to tell me the truth.

She still havent told her boyfriend everything about us tho'.
Just the part about me kissing her, and she not wanting to hold hands as i walked her.
She dosent want to hurt him, wich is understandable - but she also want to be with him for a long time, perhaps even get married and have kids.
I figure it's never going to happen between the two of us, she even said so;
'If nothing suprising happens between kim and i, it's never going to be the two of us Anders - but if something does happen, you will be the first to know.'

On another note, i know the first post is very long, and poorly set up, i'm going to try and correct it now, or a little later so people will want to read it.. atleast i hope so.

[ganon]

man, that was beautiful, even with the broken english. I miss those days when feelings really ran deep, without being quite so jaded. Try to stay friends with her, because you never know. But also keep your heart open to love where you might find it.

[-Anders]

Thank you for the advise guys
I just needed to get this out of my system, cry on someones shoulders so to speak.
Theres not much i can do right now, but when we get the opertunity to talk again i will take a good deep look inside myself and see how i feel myself, and let her know it.
I know that i normally keep my emotions packed up nice and tight inside, and never really tell anyone how i feel, but i think this is a good time for doing so, and who knows. Perhaps I'll give her that ultimatum one day, and see who she loves the most, if at all.

That being said, i should say that she is very fragile and has been hurt alot by former boyfriends when she was younger, and still thinks alot about it, i doubt that she will ever break up with him because of that.
Every time she has broken up with a guy, they have gotten all mean on her, calling her slut, whore and who knows what other awfull things..
That's what i hate about little immature boys aged 13-17 or around there. (No offence to anyone of that age, i am sure you are a perfectly mature and intelligent being) but if you are an immature (here goes the language) little prick, who on earth would you behave like a complete bastard to the person youve loved?
.. Sorry about that, but that really ticked me off when she told me what they have done and called her.
Sorry again.

Anders

[clues_blues]

your english is actually extremely good - i certainly understood everything you tried to convey.

chicks are difficult, and you shouldn't feel ashamed for your feelings towards this girl - especially since she was definitely telling you that she held similar feelings as well. a previous poster said that you should try and maintain an amicable friendship with this girl, and I would agree. i would also say that you should probably try to let go of any attachment related to being with this girl. you don't have to stop loving her; love is a beautiful thing; but you should probably not actively pursue a romantic relationship with her for the time being.

being in love is really tough because people are so vulnerable when they fall in love, but, although it is cliche as hell, it IS better to have loved then to have never loved at all.

i also think that if you are capable of having really deep feelings for this girl that it is likely that you will fall in love again, hopefully with a girl who is located closer to you and who will treat you fairly...

best of luck.
c_b

[-Anders]

I love this board, people are so nice here
Thank you for the kind words and advice clues_blues, every last bit helps.

[Nisses]

People can write poetry about this? I'd say only change the style and it *is* poetry.

Straight from the heart and very moving. I feel for you, and I can understand you don't just want to cut things off between you and her. Hopefully things can work out later on, or you can get over this eventually.

Don't let her toy with you too long though. Like people said before: you deserve to be happy with somebody who is as devoted to you as you are to her.

Honestly: very moving post.

[Leviathan[NCV]]

I suppose there's not much for me to say here man, but good luck with the situation. It's most definately not an easy one.

[maynard0012]

I'm in a similar situation, which I won't go into, GL Anders.

[-Anders]

Well i hope for the best, but i doubt anything will happen as i stated earlyer - i will try to post here when i speak with her, and see what happens from there.

If i am able to tell her about it that is, i'm most likely going to just talk with her and be so happy that she speaks to me again that i wont bring it up in fear of it stopping.
I want to get straight with her, but i also don't want to ruin the feelings we have for each other.
Ah well, she proberly dosent feel anything for me when her vacation's over.
sigh.

[warmingup2prose]

-Anders, don't worry about your english--it's better than my local news can boast. you speak/write beautifully.
i've been in situations similar to this...i guess lots of people have. they're really hard to deal with, and i think you're quite strong to get through this far. don't forget how strong you are--no matter what she does, she can't take yourself away from you, you know? (that might sound cheesy, but it's true.) i've really hurt a person in a situation like this...i was the bad guy. but the person i hurt didn't deserve it at all, nomatter the circumstances, and he knows that. you should know it too. i hope things work out for the best for you, with or without sandie.

[-Anders]

Thank you for the kind words warmingup2prose..

I'ts a shame to hear that you have hurt someone, and i hope i never have to face a situation where i will have to do it.
I try my best to be the best to my friends, the people i know and care about. And i hope i never have to dissapoint, or hurt one of them.

But first of all, i don't want to hurt Sandie, and i dont want to get hurt by her, even though it is what's most likely going to happen.

[Sleepyjack]

a very heart wrenching story, its was very nice of you to share it
Although i think there are times that everyone couldn't get the "one" they want, at a given time. However, hopefully everything works out for you, as you seem very sincere, honest and not just thinking with your penis

good luck in the future, you know where you are with.

[-Anders]

Well it appears that she dosent care to much of me anymore, or she's just afraid to talk with me or something.
I saw that she was online on ICQ the other day, i messaged her, and 30 seconds after she was offline.
I thought that well perhaps her computer crapped out or just didnt see it or whatever.
But then the next day she was online again, and i tryed again - same thing happened.
She wont respond to my sms'es anymore.

I am a bit bummed out by that, not to say alot.

Well, i guess i'll have to wait and see how things work out.

[raeanna74]

One thing I have learned about these types of relationships when one of the persons is already involved. The 3rd wheel often strengthens the first relationship. You in your situation may have given her the strength she needed to give her relationship with her boyfriend the boost it needed. Going into these types of relationships it helps to realize that. I don't know how that helps you but in future relationships it may be a help to know where things are going. Most "affairs" which is sortof what your relationship was with her end within only a few years. Those that don't will last until one or the other participant is discovered. If it's any consolation - you gave her a friend for all that time, someone to talk to, and someone to share love with. She needed those things if only for a short time from someone other than her boyfriend. You made her happy until she was able to go one alone. I'm sorry that it left you alone as well but if you learn from this relationship and remember that kind of tender love you felt I am sure you will be more successful in your own relationships in the future. In my opinion it is time for you to move on though. Even if she were to contact you there may be many problems that you will just be asking for if you get involved even in a friendship with her again. If she were to have left her boyfriend for you then in later years you would inevitably worry that she would do the same to you. Many times that is the case. Once you wander the temptation to do that again is too great. Be glad she is where she is and be thankful for the lessons you have learned. Good luck in finding your own woman to shower that same kind of love on.

[Duck2Day]

I've been following this thread for a while and just sort of watching without posting. I'm having girl problems too right now and this story, though it's different from mine, I felt I could relate too and has helped me out. I wish I could help you, I'm feeling pain right now too but for her to ignore you is not right. You could try and call her and try and set things on a leveled basis or sort things out, if she's not going to talk to you then you should either try talking to her one final time, or maybe just try and forget about what happened. I know it's hard but I have to do that too right now...

[vegeta0283]

wow i guess there is a few of us in the same boat.... just curious if you said before or not did you guys ever talk between 10th and summer 2002?

i feel for you man i really do, its the most painful thing ever, having to watch the person you love.... what i am probaly gonna do and you can take this advice if you like is tell her completley how you feel... love or whatever.... then let her make her decision dont put any pressure on her at all ive known her for 7 years been in love for about 5... man im a pussy

and your english is quite good as the others have said... plus feelings and emotions can cross language barriers

[KamikaziManiac]

I feel exactly the way that you do, but my situation is a little different. This girl ended up showing up at my work around october and I fell head over heels for her. Then, I find out that she has a boyfriend. She had been after him for a while, and she finally got to be with him and she was happy. We hung out a lot and became friends, and I loved her more and more every day we were together. I felt like she felt the same way, but I never made a move. I was affraid that either she would get hurt by having to choose me over her boyfriend, or that she would just reject me and that would be the end of our friendship. I haven't known her that long, but I know that I love her. I don't date people unless I think it'll go somewhere, and she's the first girl I have ever wanted to date. I think it's pretty much over between us. She's going to college, and she loves her boyfriend more than anything. I think she got over me, which hurts too. I still feel for her everyday, and i wish she were single. I never actually expressed my feelings to her, and i'm starting to wish I had. I'm going back to work soon, and I know it'll hurt alot without her. I think that your situation went better for you, at least you know that she loves you. I think I don't mean anything to her anymore, she won't even talk to me, and we were friends. I dunno, just thought i'd share and tell you that what your going through is happening to the best of us. I know how hard it is to deal with this kinda thing, my friends think I'm insane for loving this girl as much as I do. Just know that your not alone, and that people will always be there to back you up. I hope it works out between you two.

[Double D]

Originally posted by -Anders
That's what i hate about little immature boys aged 13-17 or around there. (No offence to anyone of that age, i am sure you are a perfectly mature and intelligent being)

Hey -Anders, I'm coming to your thread really late and in a very round 'about way--through reading your journal post--then checking out your new Exhib Pic, then clicking the link in your sig.
But in re: your reference to *boys* reading here, if any of them are reading this, they will soon be gone as this is an 18-years-old and older forum, as lots of 'em aren't *prefectly mature,* as many of us weren't at that age.

I think the people here have listened compassionately and tried to help in an honest way, so I'll not add anything now--there's much to read--but I'll get to it.

Best of luck,

--DD