She cheated, she says she's sorry. I still love her
 

I have been with my fiancé for almost three years now, right now we live far from each other. I proposed to her this January and we were due to get married in August. I had recently found inconsistencies in her behaviour and tried talking to her. She always said all is fine. I suspected one of her lecturers (she's a vocational student), but had no proof so I kept my peace. 4 days ago I intercepted a facebook message between her and this lecturer guy. It was really horrible.
I confronted her and asked her about the guy, she said she had nothing with him. I then told her I knew and she broke down crying. She said she was sorry, that she's been too mean to me. She said it happened way back in Aug. last year and that it's over. That she's been wanting to tell me, but was afraid of my reaction. She said she planned to tell me when I return in July. She really seems sorry, I still love her. The thought of another guy touching her makes me sick. I'm really confused. Forgive her (but call of the marriage) and fix the relationship OR just dump her.

i'm of the "i put up with zero bullshit" school of thought when it comes to unfaithful SOs. dump her, dont risk having it happen again

If she was truly sorry, she wouldn't have needed to be caught to come clean. If you're asking this random dude on the internet who you'll likely never meet, you deserve someone you can trust and she deserves real consequences for her deplorable actions. Dump her.

Thanks for your kind replies. The thing is I was really looking forward to living with her. I know it sounds weak, but I really want to avoid a scenario whereby I dump her. We were really good together. May be true love is also about forgiveness, because no one is perfect.

no one is perfect, but this was a conscious choice that she made to cheat on you. its not like you're contemplating dumping her for something she can't help. she did this on purpose and nobody deserves to be cheated on. get rid of her

Could not agree with this statement more.

For me the hardest part of the end of a relationship is letting go of all the little dreams, hopes and plans that we had together.

No one is talking about perfection, just a basic level of respect and honesty.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind to stay, so good luck.

I agree with waitforsugar. Ending it seems like the wrong thing to do, because of the dreams we have for the future. I haven't made up my mind yet, I'm hoping to get as many opinions as possible...

just curious how old you are athom2003. you sound like this is your first love.

what does she want to do? and how can you guarantee that she wont do it again?

I'm 25 and she's 23. I have had 4 or 5 girlfriends since my high school days. She's not my first love, she's the one I've been longest with so far . . .

This post is coming from a bitter bastard that thinks the whole world is fucked and nothing good comes out of it.

People cheat, especially when you are younger (pre-30's) and they do it a lot. Since the first time I got cheated on, I just expect it. People will break your trust in a heartbeat if it means advancing their own personal pleasure.

She cheated on you and only admitted it after she got caught a year later. Yeah, she doesn't give a rat's ass about you or your furture dreams. This whole "it was a one time thing" is as big a pile of bullshit as "we can still be friends". She didn't have the respect/willpower to not cheat the first time, who says it only happened once. She could be still slobbin' the knob on this dude, you don't know. She cheated and got away with it for a year. She will do it again.

I don't know you or this chick, but I know one thing. People cheat and if they get away with it, it will happen again. Do a search on this forum, there are hundreds of tales of cheaters and how they did it over and over again.

Do yourself a favor. Delete her from your life. Kill all contact and forget about her (and your now broken dreams). If you take her back you are saying, "you cheated, got caught, and I forgave you... Now go do it again, just don't get caught".

Granted, you are going to go back to her because "she is different from those other cheating whores". Yeah, sure... She is different. She might not cheat again, but I will tell you this. Your mind will be fucked. Every male she talks to and everytine she goes out without you, you will think, "is this the time she trips and lands on some other guys dick".

Keep that one in mind, jealousy is a bitch.

I think I wasn't clear enough. I would end it immediately, I just understand that it is hard.

In your second post it sounded like you were staying no matter what anyone said so I figured a good luck was in order.

People can only surprise you once with their behavior. After that, you have to take responsibility for the knowledge that you already have.

The key to me would be how honest she's been

The easiest and first defence when caught in a lie is to offer a partial truth.

(ie - ok, but it only happened once, and I regretted it...)

I am not saying that this is the case here, but I think to move on, you have to be sure you can still trust her. Thats what it comes down to, and when someone breaks your trust, its not always easy to give it to them again.

If you get back together but from now on youre always suspicious and jealous, it will bring you both down.

You shouldnt throw away something you really want based on some macho ideals of "nobody ever cheats on me"... but at the same time, you do have to ask yourself (and she has to ask herself) why wont this happen again?

---------- Post added at 06:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:32 PM ----------

THIS I do not agree with at all.

"Coming clean" has undermined the relationship to the point of probable failure.

*if* it is something that happens once, will never happen again, if you know for sure you still love the guy... why would you throw it all away simply to allow yourself the luxery of clean conscience? I call that the most pure self centredness.

_

I should say that this is a general point, not related to the OP.

When he first asked her what was going on, that was the time to come clean.

To me, lying is worse than cheating. I could forgive someone who wasnt faithful (in fact I have) but I couldnt forgive someone who systematic lied to me in things they knew were important

(obviously the kind of "its the biggest I've ever seen, I'm nervous it will be too much for me..." / "no, you look fantastic" etc type of lies are completely fine)

I've cheated on two guys ever, once when I was 16, once when I was 18 (and the 18 one, I realize, doesn't really count because I wasn't in a declared relationship-- only just casually dating a man who would eventually become my boyfriend, so it depends on your definition and boundaries of cheating).

The 16 was a long-distance thing, I was head-over-heels, etc.

As soon as it happened, as soon as I got my head together and realized what I had done, I immediately called my boyfriend and confessed. We split up-- it wasn't working out (he had cheated as well)-- shortly thereafter.

Haven't cheated since.

So, from the point of view of a person who has cheated in a long-distance relationship... she should have told you immediately. She should have called and said, "I just did x,y,z with this person and this is a problem and these are why the behaviors occurred and are you willing to stay with me and work on this or is this too much for you?"

That she hid it from you... not so good. Where's the trust now? Are you ever going to be able to trust her again, knowing that she might be hiding other indiscretions or future indiscretions from you? I certainly wouldn't be able to. I'd end the relationship on that alone.

Also, just think how much worse it would be if you do get married, move in together, and then discover you can't trust her. That you're jealous of every man, suspect infidelity constantly. You fight, you isolate her (if she lets you) and then you finally divorce.

Divorce isn't pretty, or so I've been led to believe. And you have to move, or at least she has to move and you remain in a house that you have all these memories of her in. Factor in potential kids. Factor in living in the same city and occasionally bumping into her. Factor in alimony or child-support. Factor in being a divorcee before thirty. Factor in the head aches and telling your friends and family that things didn't work out and you're splitting after all the time and energy and emotion they invested into you, your wedding, the gifts, the christmas dinners, etc. (Well, if family is a factor for you-- it certainly is for me.) Factor in the emotional damage and trust issues created for future relationships. Factor in rebuilding your life two (or whatever) years from now.

If she is unable to put the necessary effort into communication now, will she be equipped to express all that she must when the relationship moves to another level? Distance relationships are nothing but communication. There is no touch or physicality, only a meeting of the minds which is able to form a lasting base for a strong future.

Affairs only arise when deeper issues are present. Her cheating is not the puzzle piece that requires attention at present. You must deal with those hidden underlying problems before you can work through the infidelity.

If you want to continue with this woman, you can. It's possible. It could even work out wonderfully, better than your dreams. But it will not be the easier path. You've just been offered a front-row seat on what can go wrong in a relationship. From personal experience, I'll let you know that cheaters deserve a second chance at love. But that chance doesn't need to be at your expense. Let her walk away with her mistakes and make the changes she needs in her life. Her healing will be more complete with fewer interactions from the man she hurt. Now you need to decide for yourself what will be your next move.

People deserve a second chance even if it means they might do it again. If you can live with it and you survive this episode, it might turn out to be a better relationship than before.

people dont deserve anything. you get what you earn and there is nothing that says people are entitled to anything ever, including a second chance. She's a grown woman, she knew the consequences, get rid of her (not in the Pulp Fiction sense of course)
/cynicism

Thank you all for offering your thoughts on this one. I have come up with a proposal. I will try to balance it according to the opinions received.

1.) Have honest discussion in which I give her a last chance to say the truth.
2.) I Forgive her.
3.) The marriage is off.
4.) We're still engaged, but we need time (may be 2 or 3 years) to learn to trust each other again and see how things turn out. We'll need counselling here. May be live together and see how it works.
5.) If after this period we're both satisfied with our lives, then we'll think marriage.
6.) If she messes up during step 4, then I'll forget about her.

What do you think?

I couldn't agree more. Someone already posted this but the worst thing about all of this is the lying. I've always told my wife that if she was going to cheat on me I want to know before hand. She can walk away whenever she likes but don't lie to me. Lying is the worst thing you can do in a relationship because it undermines everything that a relationship is supposed to be about.

The red flag that I read in this situation is that she lied to you and didn't bother breaking down until after she knew she was caught. To me it say the cheating didn't bother her as much as the getting caught did.

If you treated her right you deserve better. If this was me I would dump her because I couldn't trust her anymore. But it's not about how I feel, it's how you feel. You need to look deep down in yourself because if you have any reservations about her at all, it will get a lot worse when you're actually married.

Good luck with whatever choice you decide.

She should have told you, and given you the choice to forgive her as it was an accident she fell and impaled herself repeatedly on this chaps member. I am sure you would have had sympathy with her is she had told you she had got tipsy, and half cut suddenly found her knickers round her ankles - you seem the forgiving sort.
Me, I would be ticked off about the betrayal of shagging someone else, but keeping it secret meant lying to you - and that would bother me lots, as it means I would never trust their word again. This message on facebook, was that sent after they had presumably stopped shagging? Given the devastation the contents have wrought..... I take it the message was intimate enough for you to know who and where, but if they are no longer at it, why would they be sending such stuff back and forth. Surely they would have agreed it best they kept their relationship on a professional level. Her lecturer, by the way, had no buisness sleeping with her in the first place.
If I were your mum, I would be worried about where you are. I would probably be hoping you would meet someone honest - because when trust has gone, you will doubt every word as it may well be another lie. Certainly cancel the wedding whilst you have any doubt. At its basic level, it is a contract, and you would not sign any contract if you did not believe what was written surely. I feel you would like to be able to forgive her and trust her. I guess you know the dog best, the dog that has bitten once. It is a problem that must be dealt with, and maybe in dealing with the problem you will be able to decide if it is likely to bite again, and if yours is the most suitable home for such an animal, or if it and you would be better suited if it were re-homed. Trust is earnt - and easily thrown away by some.

This is brilliant. Well, she told me "I know I have made a big mistake in my life and I pray that you find it in your heart to forgive me". It is true that telling me over the phone was a bit difficult, I would rather prefer to hear this in person. About the facebook message, she swore he (lecturer) was blackmailing her. That she had to appear to be interested in the message because he's supervising their class work. He has since left their school, but they send stuff to him for correction and advice online. She assured me that's the truth. I know it may sound weak, but I think if what she said is true then she's cleared. If it's not true then I will find out, now I know what to look for.

Blackmail? If this is true then the man should be reported. If he asks another student for a blow job, if they decline, might it affect their grades? Ask her if she would like to make a complaint about him - say you will stand by her - because loyalty is important isnt it - see what she says. If it was blackmail, then she should have told you when he first started - myself, were I being sexualy harrassed in college or workplace, I would certainly discuss it with a partner - unless they were a sociopathic homicidal maniac - which you dont seem to be - but only you can be sure about.
We had a lecturor when I was at college. Eventually the female staff had enough and encouraged students to speak out and complain. Sadly, those that made allegations mostly made them up. The women who had been involved with him in affairs, they didnt want their open secrets publicised. He was removed - maybe ends justifying means - I wasnt involved.
What was he blackmailing her over? Was it over having slept with him already? If so he was blackmailing her for being a cheating whore - who was he threatening to expose her secret to?

Why must you decide what you'll do with the relationship this very second? Surely if you do intend to forgive her and be with her for the rest of your life then you'll both have time enough to respect the process entailed in forgiving after such a violation of trust. What's the rush and where does how you feel about all of this factor in?

Face it, the relationship you two had is over.
Whether you patch things up or not things will never be as they were before.
There's no going back from here - no undoing what's been done.

You two may be able to get through this but anger and revulsion (maybe even hatred) are pretty normal things to feel after being cheated on and you don't seem concerned at all with allowing yourself the space and time necessary to feel what's happened here and consciously consider what you'll do. Again, what's the rush? Slow down and get over getting things back to normal or else you'll cheat yourself and damn whatever future you two may have together.

Your self-esteem has had to have taken a serious blow in all of this and without it you can't do anything for yourself or anyone else you'd like to be with. Take the time to build yourself back up.

I think this is pretty reasonable and very mature of you. Give it a shot and see how it goes.

Listen, a few things. It's not easy to find someone to really love and so when you do, you might want to hold onto it. No-one is perfect. If you're really madly in love with her, imho, it is not worth packing in a relationship over an affair. Lots of people have affairs. I've heard as high as 70 percent. Whatever. Nothing in this world is black and white - especially the dos and don'ts of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Going to be(brutally) honest with you on this...she doesn't respect you otherwise she wouldnt have cheated on you. A man who has is womans respect would never cheat on him. IF you have(and demand) that, a woman will shut off other guys and wont let it get to the flirtation stage which ultimately leads to sex. Somehow she got bored and felt the need to go elsewhere to fulfill that need. I really feel bad for you but if it was me, I would have to call it quits. Once that respect is broken, in both cases, it will never come back. She is just at a stage of being afraid to lose you. Women are very competitive and sure as hell dont like being dumped. Be a man and tell her to fuck off and get your head straight. Go out do other things with other women and if your heart leads you back to her, then it MIGHT and only then it might work. Now, it will never work out. Cut your losses and move on. Lots of fish man.

She's lying.

^this^

Of course she is. He should call her bluff

Ditch her. Now. Rather than accept responsibility, she's giving you some BS story about blackmail.

If not, then you'll end up in your (potential) marriage as a doormat. Don't sink to that level.

Maybe you could get into threesome? You could blackmail him into being your gimp by threatening to expose his blackmail/sex predator stuff. So many people get blackmailed into sex - because they swear they wouldnt do anything to hurt their significant other - so its obviously blackmail. Camilla blackmailed charles on a regular basis. Niel morrisey blackmailed amanda holden on at least ten seperate occassions. Poor Wayne Rooney was blackmailed into paying an escort for sex. Berlusconi was regularly blackmailed by women he had promoted into having sex with them. Have you seen Noemi Letizia - what an ugly woman - no wonder she had to resort to blackmail to get sex. Its an underestimated and hidden crime. Under 18yr old minors made him go to parties with them by blackmailing him - they even prevented him going to his sons 18th. To try and escape their clutches, he offered to advance them career wise - in whatever field they wished to persue - even politics or show biz. He was even kind enough to let them stay at his villa sometimes, so they have a roof over their heads. Still the whores blackmailed him for sex.
You could perhaps, set a curfew - let her shag who she wants and already is - but tell her to be home by 6am or something.
Marry her, forgive her every time she cheats, and enjoy wedded bliss and bringing up someone elses kids. Simples.

Chinese Crested, I think I love you. Wanna get married so we can be blackmailed too?

Certainly not if it involves Berlisconi. Too late for us I think - take it you are over 17 too - we are past it as far as he is concerned.

Dammit. Now I'm going to have to redo my schedule for the week.

The fact that she lied when you asked her about it is a direct indicator that she isn't sorry, wasn't sorry, and will do it again. She also knows that a good cry will make you think she's truly sorry and deeply regrets what she has done but I can tell she has done it before, without regret. Her only regret is that she slipped up and allowed you to find out.

Just so you know, it's a very good possibility she is some type of sociopath. I'm not just telling you this out of my grasp of the human mind, it's out of direct experience with one of my close friends who was married to one.

She is sorry she got caught, and then came up with sorry excuses. During the course of my life I have been suprised by just how dumb men can be. Knew one girl who we called 'the eternal virgin'. I think she gave her virginity to 20 or so men over the course of time. They all believed it, they all, in their turn, treated her like some princess - which is of course, often a mistake. I look at some who believe they are princesses - and they have obviously been manipulative dogs - but they train the new men in their lives - guess the word man-ipulative fits. As a mum, I think glad my son didnt get tucked up with something like that. (I said to him once - why is he matey acting like a fool - big tats over his back of her name after a couple of weeks - nasty skank whore - I said why does he thin she is a princess? Son said 'that'll be because she takes it up the shitter' - I dont know, the older I get, the less I understand people) Of course there are men who behave in this way too. Its not a case of gender, its a case of people. I have known couples who have 'open marriage' - but myself, I dont see how that works, and have never been interested in knowing.
If you are both of the same ilk op, then you may be able to happily spend your lives together like this - but if you are in opposite corners on the subject of screwing other people, either one of you has to change their character and deny what they realy want and become something they are not - or you agree to disagree. At least you found out now. Okay, so they say Michael Douglas changed, is faithfull - but there was that pre nup to encourage him - and is a tad old and no-one wants to die alone - so who knows..... and thats assuming he changed his spots.
Poetry - when at college we had this conversation on where we expected to end up in life. I said I would end up as a mad cat lady - stinking of cat pee, things probably nesting in my hair and mad as a bucket of frogs. Funny because I love dogs - oh wow. Just realised how close I have come to achieving them - I have had the poorly bed wetters in with me in the past - touch wood none are dying at present and all kidney functions are presumably okay. My hair often looks like things could be nesting in it. Still got time to go though.

No, no... keep going.

Cheating is usually defined as having done something sexual. But where do you start drawing that line? What if she had gone out to dinner one on one with the lecturer, with no sexual intentions but finding him attractive and curious to find out more? Is that cheating?

What if she wanted to go to dinner with him, but felt guilty for it, so she let herself be convinced by him to go out with "him and his buddies" for some beer and dinner? Is that still cheating?

match000: the answer is simple. If you can't tell your SO about it, it's cheating.

I like that answer :)

However, not trying to play devil's advocate, but a valid excuse (that I've been recently made by my SO): "you are easily jealous (true nuff) so I didn't want to tell you since it was an innocuous group dinner and so you caught me in my white lie."

How about that? White lies to avoid confrontation or trouble because the other SO is the easily jealous type who over-thinks everything??

Hey,I think it's a really good idea to give her another chance,cuz confessing after a cheating in a relationship is so hard and you'll risk everything.so I understand why she couldn't say it.
I myself have confessed but it was SO risky.I may not do it again.
but just to make sure and for not regreting it aftrewards ,see if she has said the whole truth.
I hope the best for you.