My wife's libido
 

Question.... We have been married for almost 12 years and she has never had a good sex drive. what can i do to increase it? she will be 30 in april and i am 30 now. seems as if she could care less about sex. sometimes i feel like she does it just because i want to. about 70% of the time i feel like she enjoys it. and it has been that way the entire time. suggestions?

Does she feel like there is a problem with her sex drive?

That is going to be the biggest question to answer. If she feels perfectly alright, it will definitely be harder to find aways to rev things up for her if she doesn't the current state of affairs as satisfactory.

That being said - Exercise releases HUGE amounts of endorphins. Maybe work on finding an activity together you enjoy and see if that exercise translates into the bedroom at all.

she will tell me that she has no desire to have sex. she says she could live with it or without it. she says she feels fine. we really dont exersize due to the face that we dont have time (excuse) with a 3 year old ( we could find time) she is like most women she dont like her body she says shes fat. i dont believe she is. she isnt small she is a little big but not really overweight. i on the other hand am a fat ass. i have expressed to her that i think she dont want to cause of the way i am (fat) but she insists thats not it (maybe to make me feel better who knows). some peopel are sexual people, i am one of them, but she's not

I had the same (brief) experience with an ex-girlfriend. She just didn't care about sex that much. She enjoyed it for a while, but couldn't believe anyone would want to have sex for more than (say) 20-30 minutes. We would cuddle a lot though, and she loved that.

Quite a contrast with another ex-girlfriend; we'd be at it for hours... But that relationship was a bit *too* sexual. :)

So yes, some people simply don't care for the whole intercourse thing (including foreplay and such). I don't know if it's psychological or fysiological; I suppose that depends on the individual.

Nothing, really. So long as she's happy with her (seemingly non-existent) sex drive and the frequency of your encounters then this isn't so much her problem as it is a matter of your dissatisfaction. Have you two discussed how important all of this is to you? Communication, compromise, etc.

yes we have and im ok with it and she is as well. i just get aggervated sometimes when she shoots me down and sometimes i just dont even say a word. we have great communication. i guess i was wondering if i was the only one or something i could do. i have assured her that even if we never had sex that i would still love her and NEVER leave her.

Well you certainly don't have to wonder about being the only one. I've been there plenty of times and all of this attraction and repulsion stuff is a hard-wired and unavoidable aspect of relationships.

You'll never escape a certain amount of drama and tension but I'm thinking that so long as you guys talk it out and attempt a compromise then there's no real reason why you two can't get over these issues and onto each other.

Never ever having sex and never leaving her sounds like crazy talk to me. Certainly you want more out of life and love than that. Some occasional ass, whenever the mood strikes, isn't an unreasonable expectation. Aren't you forgetting that she should want to have sex with you?

Undoubtedly, this is a lot to unpack and consider before one can ever begin to articulate it coherently to another person but having been in a similar place, I'd start by listening to myself.

I hope this post isn't too far off the mark.

my wife has almost no libido anymore. before she moved out i was lucky to get head every two weeks.

it could be worse... idk. just let her know you have needs. if you do things for her that you don't want to do but do it to make her happy then she should too.

don't be dumb and try food or chemicals. that will just piss her off.

i believe that you're right. i beliece that it is hard wired. and it is unavoidable. that is what makes it so hard...

---------- Post added at 06:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:35 AM ----------


Atleast you got head. my wife dosent do that. (and im ok with that). she knows i have needs and we've had that discussion. seems like i get it once a week or maybe twice a week if she's feeling froggy. sometimes it's once a month. Chemicals just kinda scare me a little. not sure why

I've been married for 14 years, and there were some stretches when we wouldn't have sex for months. I translated this into "she doesn't want to" or "she's not attracted to me."

Then I just started initiating it more and came to realize that she did enjoy it, but just never initiated it. Now our sex life is as good as it's ever been, but it only happened because I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started going for what I wanted.

BTW, that was just a personal anecdote, not a response to the TC

i guess thats what im gonna have to start doing it initating it more and see what happens. and if i crash and burn then not be like "OH I'M SORRY. MY FAULT". and just see what happens. now that i think about it she never initates it. like i can read her mine. lol

hate to be the bearer or bad news, but did you ever think of the possibility that she may be getting it elsewhere?

it crossed my mind but with our schedule thats not possible espically with a 3 year old. but she's been that way for 12 years

what kind of birth control is she on? is she on anti-depressants? there are many things that kill female libido

New poster here... To me, once a week was liveable. But when it gradually died down to once a month (getting shot down when I initiated got old), that was the beginning of the end. Sex isn't the ONLY reason to be married, but the intimacy is definitely one of the reasons I didn't just get a room-mate to share the expenses.

Is your wife on birth control? One of the ways that seems to be the most effective is the reduction in a woman's libido... :)

C

yes she is on birthcontrol. but even when we were trying top get pregnant and she wasnt on it it was the same way. i understand that birth control can kill the libido.

I recommend BDSM and toys. Some people are closet BDSMers and don't realize it. Start with some light spanking and a dildo (get two, put the smaller one in her ass if she'll let you).

That should shape things up.

Either that or she's having an affair and is about to break up with you. just kidding...

My advice comes at you from this gem hidden in one of your posts. My take is that you should start exercising, for yourself, not her. Whether or not her libido is actually "broken" is up for debate, but if you describe yourself as a fatass then there is something you should be doing regardless. Whether or not she's lying to you when she says your weight doesn't matter, good health is worth the shot. And in the event that she IS lying, well.. you're in healthier shape and you've "fixed" her libido as a side-effect.

Virility and confidence come from good health, and I think women find all three very attractive. Likewise, improving yourself for the sake of self-improvement is something men and women alike adore.

thats the thing, my confindence is great its just my self esteem cause im a BIG BIG man. but you are right, being better fit is one way to help myself. and that is what i think i need to do. that is the hardest thing in the world to do, is loose weight

---------- Post added at 03:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:57 PM ----------

:DHey look that was my 100th post. yeah me

Somewhat of a dichotomy, n'est ce pas? "Feel safe having sex, but don't worry, you won't want to anyway." "Side effects may include.............!"

Sorry, but it just struck me as funny.

[QUOTE

Sorry, but it just struck me as funny.[/QUOTE]

kinda of a catch 22

You should make sure that communication between you is clear, open, and honest. Be sure that she really does have no desire, and that she is not merely lacking physical attraction to you (I say that with compassion, since I have been on the unpleasant receiving end of that conversation, myself).

But if your communication is open and honest, and what you've said is accurate, then I think you need to be clear with her that this is a major issue for you, and you'd like for you both to see a sex therapist together. There may be psychological reasons for her lack of desire, or even possibly physical reasons, and either of those might be overcome.

I have thought about that before (seeing a therapist) but 2 things. 1 i dont know if we can afford that cause i dont know how much that cost and im not sure if its covered by my insurance. (i guess i should call and see how much it will cost per session and to see if it is covered) 2. i guess im just scared (just being honest)

I went through this for 13 years, my ex had almost no desire for sexual encounters of any kind. That is until we brought another girl into our bed and she realized *why* neither I nor any of the other guys in her life really did it for her. I am much happier now with my randy bisexual girlfriend ;)

it's crossed my mind but not sure how to go about approaching her with that??

ralphie250,

I really, really, hate to break it to you, but there is some really idiotic advice in here. "Just shove a plastic cock up her ass." "Just bring a lesbian home." Really???

These...ahem...solutions would be the extremely rare exception. Why don't we tackle the rule. Frankly, it sounds to me like you are being lazy in life, health, and relationship.

I'm going out on a limb here, so you can correct me if I am wrong. Get off the couch and engage in life with your wife and child. Play with them, relive being a 3-year-old with your 3-year-old. Get in the kitchen and cook with your wife. Fold clothes together. Don't do these things as a means to an end (sex). Do them to lessen her burden, so she isn't tired all of the time. Do them because it will naturally create channels of communication where, after weeks of light banter and good hard work, a conduit is opened up to discuss more difficult subjects. Do them because you owe it to her to be the best husband possible. She picked you out 3 billion. Yes, you owe it to her.

You will find that when you focus your energy on creative ways to give to your relationship rather than creative ways to receive - virtually everything falls into place. And how about dropping 50 lbs by Christmas? Bet you can't, you chicken shit! :)

SSRIs, exercise, oral sex, and roleplay/costumes. Maybe toys.

For the record, I'm not the asshole that told you the truth, ralphie250, I'm just the asshole that quoted the truth in its entirity as written by someone much smarter than me.

All of that makes perfect since. and since starting this post i have started doing those things (except for exersizing) and it seems to have drawn us closer togeather as s couple. and its kinda fun being a 3 year old at times. the hardest thing for me is losing the weight.

Go for a walk around the block with the kid. That's exercise.

Ralphie,

How many 20oz Cokes do you drink a day? Each one is 240 calories. Let's say it's 4. If you switch to Diet Coke, you drop 1000 calories a day from your diet. You only changed one thing. That's what I did, here's the corner of my office taken 2 minutes ago:

As for playing with your three year old: Do you know how your three year old's clothes look when they come in from playing? If yours don't look the same, you aren't doing it right. Go back outside and don't come back in without grass stains, lots of them.

i drink coke zero or caffene free diet coke

I guess what I meant was, just change one thing, get used to the change and see what happens. Then, change one more thing. I don't care what the thing is. Park furthest away from the door everywhere you drive. That's only one thing.

Ralphie, your wife may no longer be willing to put out for a myriad of reasons, some if not all if which may be entirely your fault, but as her partner you are deserving of an explanation at the very least. Continue with all of the personal changes you've started as they will undoubtedly improve your relationship. However, as intimacy and communication are integral to any successful relationship, you can't just internalize everything that's broken here and seriously expect to fare any better the next time things get rough.

Thanks for all the support. last night after i got home we had dinner played with my littke girl, i gave her a bath and did a few things around the house to help my wife out so that she could rest, and not have to do things. i did this because i love her and wanted to help out, not in anticipation of sex. after some conversation (communication) we headed off to bed and low and behold she wanted to have sex. WOW. There was no better way to end my day than talking with my wife and making love to her.
Now i just have to work on loosing some weight...

I've been reading this thread quitely until this post.

Buddy, you couldn't be more wrong in my humble opinion.

He OWES her nothing. I'm going to go on the assumption that he's a normal decent guy who more or less does the right things and plays by the rules.

If you think that by pampering this woman she's suddenly going to turn into a sexual being - I have both a bridge for sale in Brooklyn and some land for sale in Florida I'd like you to take a look at.

Here's the simple hard mother fucking truth - she is not going to change. Ever. This is who she is, or who she is with him. He could kiss her ass every day and thank her on his hands and knees, she won't get all hot and bothered for him.

To the original poster - you are with a woman who is not into sex. She will never change. A buddy of mine was married to a good Anglican girl who was raised to keep a dime between her knees at all times. She was very conflicted about pre-marital sex. In short, their sex life was lousy. She agonized about putting out before marriage, but she assured him that once they were married, it would all be better. Guess what? It was the same. It never got any better. She just wasn't into it. Oh, she was a "good wife" (whatever that is) and a good mother, but she just wasnt into sex. He finally threw in the towel and left her and found a complete slut who loves cock and has this smoldering look in her eye when he comes home and she loves sex. He's never been happier.

To the OP, here are your options:

1. Accept her low sex drive and get your head around it.

2. Leave her while you're still young and find youself a horny woman and be happy in life.

3. Stay with her, but engage the services of prostitutes to relieve your stress.

My personal choice would be Door Number 2.

It's your call, it's your life, but she's been this way for 12 freaking years and she is not about to change any time soon.

3.

So what if it's true? It's basically the reason why I broke up with the girl I was dating my first year in the military. She was a intelligent, physically fit and passionate woman (great set of tits, too)... but just not sexual outside of missionary in the dark). No amount of those other three factors were going to turn into kinky sex regardless of how hard I tried to steer her to trying new things. You can't change people; they have to want to change.

OP, you should carefully consider what JTK said. It's how it's gonna be for you, bro.

Having a 3 yr old means she's exhausted all the time, most likely, so things aimed at alleviating that stress could mean a change.

I had a weight issue and decided to do something about it. Once you decide, it's easy. You don't go on "a diet", you change your dietary habits. There are things that are part of the typical American diet that are just never going to be healthy on a day-in, day-out basis.... those things (fatty foods, processed grain products) need to be minimized, and become once-in-a-while things. Then you need to get some exercise. Not mindlessly crazy amounts - typically if you are heavy it's easy to get progress rolling in the right direction if you make some small changes that are consistent. Agree with Cim, incremental change is key and can really work.

Good luck, mate. One thing's for sure, there's no lack of opinions shared here. :D

you all have great ideas.
james t kirk, sorry man but i have no intentions of leaving my wife. i love her too much given the facts. not going to get a hooker cause i dont want a disease or to go to jail. (just one want to take the chances)

i have started trying to eat better and watch how much i eat. even if not for sex but for myself and my daughter.

if we have a vanilla sex life then thats what it is. it could be worse.

chumley, you're right her chasing a 3 year old all day can be exhausting. i have done it on many occasions. and youre right, "There's no lack of options shared here". :)

For the record, I agree with James T Kirk, under a certain circumstance. If one views the primary function of their mate to be satisfying their sexual needs, then by all means, work his list of options. If one views their mate as a partner in all aspects of life, then one probably will not find a mate who is perfect in every respect and one might make sacrifices in one area to have a great mate in others. Ralphie, it really sounds like you are a standup guy who wants to improve all areas of his life by starting where it has the greatest effect - with himself.

For the record, JTK, Ralphie didn't ask how to turn his wife into a nympho, he asked how to improve her sex drive. The number one reason women list for not feeling like having sex is.............exhaustion. So, my suggestions were to address the rule - as I said.