Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community (https://thetfp.com/tfp/)
-   Tilted Sexuality (https://thetfp.com/tfp/tilted-sexuality/)
-   -   How would you handle this? (I saw my bf phone logs) (https://thetfp.com/tfp/tilted-sexuality/155972-how-would-you-handle-i-saw-my-bf-phone-logs.html)

chelle21689 10-02-2010 02:07 PM

How would you handle this? (I saw my bf phone logs)
 
I've been with my bf for 5 years but 2 years long distance. Things have been really good between us and I felt absolutely loved. No stress, nothing. Anyways, a couple days ago he gave me the password to his cell phone account online to manage things. He didn't realize it gave out detailed information.

I've had a bad habit of snooping in the past...very badly. So preventing history repeating itself, I told him immediately to change his password or I'll look through it. He told me he'll change it later. He didn't change it immediately so I looked through it all...

Phone calls were mostly me, minutes used were mostly to me. Nothing really. Then I looked at the text messages. For about 2-3 days he texted his (Army) female friend for several hours non stop. I know her number so I recognized it...I then saw that he texted another person for several hours non stop...someone across the country far away. I figured maybe it was an Army friend since they're scattered everywhere.

I confronted him why he texted these people so much. He said that texts are short and they accumulate and that they weren't like intimate deep conversations. It just bothers me because they were for several hours like every minute.

I looked up the other number I didn't recognize and paid money. It belonged to someone named Michael Lewis but I don't think that was the person he was texting but probably the person that pays the bills...I have a feeling it's a girl. I haven't asked my bf who it was yet. He texed others but not as much.. these days was when he was bored with no job before he left for training

Anyways, I'm trying to think if this is wrong. There have been times I've made male friends and could talk to for hours online without me having feelings or it being inappropriate. So I don't know if it's a different situation with texting.

I don't know what to do, I just want to know if these people he's been texting are involved with him romantically or what.

Borla 10-02-2010 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827608)

Anyways, I'm trying to think if this is wrong. There have been times I've made male friends and could talk to for hours online without me having feelings or it being inappropriate. So I don't know if it's a different situation with texting.

Read that part again. You've done the essentially the same thing. Were you wrong in doing so?

There is your answer.



The key breakdown in almost every relationship is communication. Be up front and honest with him, tell him about your concerns involving the other person he texted. But before you do that, ask yourself if you trust him and love him. If the answer is yes, then do it. Trust his answer and move on. And then stop snooping. If you are looking for a reason to be suspicious, you WILL find one, even if it's not reasonable, legitimate, or real.

noodle 10-02-2010 02:26 PM

Leave it alone.
He trusted you.
Don't dig or you'll have to face the consequences.
On many, many levels.

Craven Morehead 10-02-2010 02:28 PM

You told him to change his password or you would snoop. He didn't change it and you snooped. Ever stop to think he didn't change it because he didn't have anything to hide?

The_Jazz 10-02-2010 02:55 PM

Wow, he really needs to break up with you and find someone more mature.

Shauk 10-02-2010 02:58 PM

I need to buy your boyfriend this shirt.

http://cdn2.dailybooth.com/4/picture...c6_8702127.jpg

that said, this thread is reason #25155663 I don't do LD.

Baraka_Guru 10-02-2010 03:04 PM

I would handle this by looking into how to get over your insecurities. This often involves building self-esteem.

I think you snooped because of low self-esteem. Don't take this the wrong way. Many people have self-esteem issues.

You need to figure yourself out if you want to maintain a strong relationship with him.

Martian 10-02-2010 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Jazz (Post 2827619)
Wow, he really needs to break up with you and find someone more mature.

Beat me to it.

How many of these threads are you going to do? It's the same thing all over again. Either you trust him or you don't. Clearly he's not bothered by any of this, which means it's still you're problem and you still need to just get over it.

You paid money to check up on the number he was calling, didn't like what you found and then proceeded to make up something that fit your little persecutory fantasy.

If he breaks up with you (and honestly, if it were me I would've already) you'll have no one to blame but yourself, though I'm sure you'll be convinced it was his fault.

eribrav 10-02-2010 03:06 PM

You're lucky he hasn't dropped you like a hot rock, because that's what I would do.

LordEden 10-02-2010 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Jazz (Post 2827619)
Wow, he really needs to break up with you and find someone more mature.

Glad someone said it. That is pure "QFT" material there.

Based on the two threads you have started on here, you might as well break up because your insecurities are going to kill whatever relationship you two have.

There are a few things that jumped out at me.

One, you snooped. Snooping is bad. BAD. B. A. D. In other words, don't fucking do it. Search this forum for snooping and see how all the OP's relationships worked out after they snooped. You either trust him or you don't. Looks like you don't, which is going to kill your relationship.

Two, not only do you not trust him, but you paid MONEY for some hookey internet lookup service just to prove that he was cheating on you. What's next? Private investigator to follow him around? Pay someone on the army base to watch his ever move?

Three, I've had text message conversations that last 50+ messages just to figure out what restaurant we wanted to eat at. Isn't this the same girl that let's him crash on the couch (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's her parent's house too)? If he was going to have a "screw that girl I've been seeing forever, let's bone" conversation... wouldn't he have it face to face?

You really need to find some way to curve your raging insecurity, it's pretty much going to be a game breaker for every relationship you will ever have.

Then again, you most likely will ignore everyone's advice on here, seems like you didn't listen to anyone in the last thread.

Good luck on that.


******

Or what martian said if you tl;dr my post.

The_Jazz 10-02-2010 03:18 PM

Once upon a time, there was a young woman here at TFP. She posted a bunch of intimate details of her life, including that she had an STD and a MFM threesome, then she posted some intimate pictures.

Then one day she started a new relationship with what I can only assume is the male version of the OP. Given that the young lady in question wasn't the most mature herself, she freaked out when her new beau snooped and found out a bunch of stuff about her. And even more freaked out when he figured out that she wasn't a virgin.

Seems like this is a much shorter version of that episode. Only this one has less color, fewer naked pictures and is generally much less interesting.

Baraka_Guru 10-02-2010 03:29 PM

Wow, you guys are so fatalist.

She was looking for advice, not a sermon.

She has issues. She already said that. Why not move on to the next step already?

The title of the thread asks "How would you handle this?" not "What do you guys think of me? lol"

Martian 10-02-2010 03:53 PM

I've already offered advice. I offered advice in the other thread that's basically this with different window dressings.

The advice goes like this:

Your insecurities are destroying your relationship. Find a way to be okay with your boyfriend hanging out with other women before he gets tired of the accusations and drama and dumps your ass.

Everything else is just me amusing myself, since there's really nothing else to say on the subject.

Pearl Trade 10-02-2010 04:20 PM

Maybe half of his many messages were simple replies like "lol" or "awesome." Stop digging, you'll find something you don't like.

He obviously has nothing to hide or else he wouldn't have given you his passwords. I bet he thought about it before giving you the codes, "do I have anything self incriminating that she can find?" His answer was no, so he gave it to you. Relax, he's clean.

You have a serious problem with irrational fear, also known as a phobia. I don't know how you'd fix it, but when you do, let us know.

guy44 10-02-2010 08:51 PM

Holy crap, you did a lot of snooping. What really stood out to me is that you paid money to check who he was texting, discovered the phone belonged to a guy, and still think he must have been conversing with a woman.

That indicates to me that you have very deep-seated issues with trust and insecurity. I think you might want to look into therapy, if only to begin to identify the origin of these feelings. You're not necessarily a bad person for what you have done, but I think you might want to take some concrete steps towards self-improvement.

Plan9 10-02-2010 09:01 PM

Bitter irony from the male responses aside, I can almost see my former partners going through my stuff with the same type of estrogen-and-Cosmo-fueled mania.

G5_Todd 10-02-2010 09:05 PM

If I was him I would dump you, just like I dumped the last insecure girl that went on my cell phone and read a message out of context and confronted me on it...

I could never be with someone that has trust issues...if you like the guy you should apologize and try not to be so insecure...

dlish 10-02-2010 09:12 PM

you're asking for advice right?

grow the fuck up!


You'd be long gone if he was actually screwing someone else.

DR132 10-02-2010 09:52 PM

assuming the mutual feelings of love are present, trust and honesty are by far the most important ingredients to a strong relationship...without mutual trust and honesty you might as well be back in high school or be simple fuck buddies

genuinegirly 10-03-2010 05:00 AM

I wouldn't have looked in the first place. But, here's how to handle it now:
- step back and take a deep breath.
- think about whether you really love him or not.
- give yourself enough time to cool down before seeing him so you don't accidentally say something stupid.
- consider yourself lucky that you have a guy that shares his phone records with you - he has nothing to hide.
- become comfortable with the idea that he isn't out to hurt you.
- evaluate your actions and your approach to the relationship, change behaviors that might drive him away.
- find happiness in your relationship.

chelle21689 10-03-2010 08:42 AM

No, it's not the same girl. It's some other person. Like I said, I have a really hard time to not snoop and I even told him to change the password because I know that I would snoop. Honestly, I know everyone thinks its wrong but I don't see anything wrong if he looks into my account because I have nothing to hide.

I guess I am confused at who's advice to take b/c if I come to this board everyone tells me I'm wrong. If I go to another board everyone tells me the opposite. I thought about it, and I called him and apologized and he said that it's okay as long as I understand. On my defense, when I wasn't snooping I did find an inappropriate picture of him sent to another girl years ago so I think that's when it started. But it never happened again after it hurt. But I guess I started snooping and be jealous if he told a girl how hot she was...but really, you don't do that in a relationship. But I guess if he was as "insecure" as me as you guys would say I am, if he looked through my stuff he'd find something to question, be jealous of, and worry if guys told me how hot I was and to get with them even if I declined or if they were being a little flirty.

We have been doing really good for a couple of months until the whole cell phone thing. We both didn't want to talk about this b/c we didn't want the good time to end. I think he realizes how hard it is but I guess I should try to remember that he really wants to be with me (even though you guys think I'm crazy lol..)

Pearl Trade 10-03-2010 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827828)
No, it's not the same girl. It's some other person. Like I said, I have a really hard time to not snoop and I even told him to change the password because I know that I would snoop. Honestly, I know everyone thinks its wrong but I don't see anything wrong if he looks into my account because I have nothing to hide.

A little self-discipline goes a long way. Resist the urge to look where you shouldn't.

Maybe he doesn't want to look into your account, because he doesn't care. Give him your password, see if he actually does check your stuff. The smart money says he doesn't even look.

Besides that, he probably feels the same way: "I don't care if she looks, I have nothing to hide."

chelle21689 10-03-2010 09:08 AM

He told me to have self discipline and he told me he had no sympathy for how sad I felt because I brought it upon myself and that I should've had more control. I did give him my passwords before but he never cared to look at it. I even told him maybe I should have him look through my stuff and nitpick each message from a guy or whatever but he didn't want to. I think this is almost as bad as cheating (betraying trust) to him but it's really hard for me to see why it's wrong and I'm trying to see.

Back then when I had the pw to his Myspace he would have me check his messages for him or pic comments. I'm going to see OTHER messages on display, and it'd be hard for me to not click when the subject seems a bit inappropriate. That's his fault also.

Oh, and right after we had this huge cell phone argument, he wanted me to go back online and pay his bill if he changed his password again! So he didn't learn his lesson the first time too (unless he tried testing me again). I told him that I don't want to pay his bill online for him if I have the password cuz like I said I WILL SNOOP. Haha, on my defense...when he was here I had the opportunity to look through his phone and Facebook but I didn't.

Greyfurgang 10-03-2010 09:45 AM

Ignorance is bliss. If you don't know something it can't eat at you. Just remember how much better you felt before you snooped. If he is fooling around on you it will come out in the end and the only thing that will truly be hurt is your pride and if he isn't it will all go away as long as you realize it and let it go.

ASU2003 10-03-2010 09:49 AM

Career Opportunities at the National Security Agency (NSA)

I hear that they are hiring. ;)

Trust but verify. You verified, now trust him until you find something else.

snowy 10-03-2010 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827828)
I guess I am confused at who's advice to take b/c if I come to this board everyone tells me I'm wrong. If I go to another board everyone tells me the opposite. I thought about it, and I called him and apologized and he said that it's okay as long as I understand. On my defense, when I wasn't snooping I did find an inappropriate picture of him sent to another girl years ago so I think that's when it started. But it never happened again after it hurt. But I guess I started snooping and be jealous if he told a girl how hot she was...but really, you don't do that in a relationship. But I guess if he was as "insecure" as me as you guys would say I am, if he looked through my stuff he'd find something to question, be jealous of, and worry if guys told me how hot I was and to get with them even if I declined or if they were being a little flirty.

We have been doing really good for a couple of months until the whole cell phone thing. We both didn't want to talk about this b/c we didn't want the good time to end. I think he realizes how hard it is but I guess I should try to remember that he really wants to be with me (even though you guys think I'm crazy lol..)

We are giving you different advice because we are a discussion community that prides itself on MATURE discussion, unlike most other places on the Internet. If you yourself are not mature, you are unlikely to find advice you agree with here.

Snooping is wrong, period. Either you trust your partner or you don't, plain and simple. I don't snoop in my husband's stuff, he doesn't snoop in mine--we TRUST each other.

Plan9 10-03-2010 10:04 AM

Didn't Manic and I have a go 'round on this exact topic like 3 months ago?

chelle21689 10-03-2010 10:54 AM

lol asu2003 my bf was serious about recommending a career that had to do with investigative work when I didn't know what to do with my life.

I do like the advice on here even though it's blunt.

MSD 10-03-2010 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827608)
I confronted him why he texted these people so much. He said that texts are short and they accumulate and that they weren't like intimate deep conversations. It just bothers me because they were for several hours like every minute.

I've held inane conversations with the guys for hours on end. I once sent 700 messages in an hour. This is one of those things people do with friends when they're bored. If you saw it in a format like an instant messenger log, you'd be bored to tears. Texting is the new IM.
Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827828)
Like I said, I have a really hard time to not snoop and I even told him to change the password because I know that I would snoop. Honestly, I know everyone thinks its wrong but I don't see anything wrong if he looks into my account because I have nothing to hide.

No. Being a couple means you need to trust each other. If you define cheating as kissing or anything more, then you stay to those limits (and that's the most strict I go because who the fuck hasn't danced with friends while out and drunk?) If you're an adult and talking with friends is a problem, you're mentally stuck in middle school and need to get over your insecurity.
Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827834)
it's really hard for me to see why it's wrong and I'm trying to see.

Again, not being able to trust someone because they're talking to people of the opposite sex is middle school mentality at best. It doesn't matter whether you give him your passwords and whether or not he checks up on you, if you can't accept his word at face value when he says he's just talking with friends, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

CinnamonGirl 10-03-2010 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2827834)
So he didn't learn his lesson the first time too (unless he tried testing me again).

This line bothers me. There wasn't a lesson that needed to be learned on his end.

I'm also curious as to whether this other forum that's giving you different advice is populated by high-schoolers.

DR132 10-03-2010 04:54 PM

ok...roughly 50% of the people you will come across are of the opposite sex and, unless you are absolutely repellent, some of them will be friends of yours...there's nothing wrong with this, it's actually quite normal and healthy to have friends of the opposite sex...some of them will probably even become pretty close friends with whom you joke and play around with, this is also healthy and normal...in my experience, a big part of joking and playing around is often seen as flirting by others, especially the jealous types...as a jealous significant other of your boyfriend you're just going to have to figure out how to come to terms with that...if you confront him about it and ask him straight up, as bluntly as possible what his relationship with this female friend is he should answer honestly...convince him that you want complete honesty and that you won't care what he says, you just want the truth, if he's dishonest after that, he's a piece of shit...dishonesty and lack of trust is going to tear your relationship apart and any future relationships you have as well

chelle21689 10-03-2010 07:19 PM

Hm, Dr. That response seemed to fit more towards my other post not this one lol. Well he claims he's not attracted and that it's acknowledged between them, they don't touch (they don't even hug) and that it'd just be weird if they got together, etc. etc.

Cinnamon girl lol...I used answers.yahoo...that's why I came here. Haha.

CinnamonGirl 10-03-2010 07:31 PM

*facepalm* Don't use yahoo answers for anything. AAAANNNNYYYYTHIIIIIIING!

dlish 10-03-2010 09:17 PM

i love how you use "on my defence" as an argument to validate what you have or havent done.

you have no defence!

he is not at fault for anything. you're the one with the self esteem/ trust issues, you're the one snooping around.

just to get you a little more paranoid...maybe he doesnt give a shit because, he really doesnt give a shit about your relationship. have you thought of that one?

/flick

Plan9 10-03-2010 09:44 PM

Dlish, don't be more of an asshole than your Super Moderator status can wipe.

monkeysugar 10-03-2010 10:03 PM

Are you *trying* to get him to dump you? If not...read the responses to this thread, many, many times, and take them to heart. You're well on your way to becoming the psycho ex-girlfriend that he really doesn't want to talk about with the new girl he ends up banging after he kicks your ass to the curb. It might end up being the friend of his that you're obsessing about him sleeping with/being emotionally attatched/ etc. etc. etc....that almost certainly won't be the case, but who knows...maybe he ends up doing it out of spite against you, to make you feel better that you were right. Actually that's 99.999% not going to happen, especially when he's explained that very thoroughly and very explicitly on many different occasions that he is not interested in her. Take some solace in the following fact: *if he were to be bumping uglies with her, or anyone else he would not still be with you.* End. Of. Story. They are friends, he doesn't want to fuck her, get over it. I know that's harsh, but it's the truth...and that's putting it nicely. While you're at it, read the responses to the rest of the threads you've started. Re-read them, actually read them for their content and intended messages, not whatever rationalization for your actions that you somehow can find in them while completely ignoring the general and overall consensus that you really and truly just need to grow up and get over your insecurities, or dump his ass and move on with your life, and let him do the same. He has been deployed/assigned somewhere far away from you. Do you really think that doesn't affect him at all? He's the one who is actually off somewhere away from everyone he knows, with little to no influence on where he ends up going. Do you really think that questioning his every action and invading his privacy in order to "call him out" on something he's told you he's not even doing are helping his situation at all? I'd imagine it's probably making the situation a lot worse. You could listen to him, and believe him, or you could just keep doing what you're doing and drive him away completely. Or you could just keep going on yahoo answers and keep getting the answers that you want to get, and completely disregard the information, advice and experience that you get here. When all is said and done, it all comes down to the same issues, the same story, the same people, the same threads, and nobody here is stupid enough to believe it's anything different. Seriously, it doesn't seem like you're actually looking for answers. You're looking for support and rationalization for your decisions. Sorry, not gonna happen here. So gain/learn something from the people who are actually trying to help you, or keep doing what you're doing and drive him completely out of your life.

dlish 10-04-2010 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plan9 (Post 2828013)
Dlish, don't be more of an asshole than your Super Moderator status can wipe.

holy shit! im a super mod now?

im a member first and mod second. i post as anyone else would.

i guess the asshole-ishness rubs off from you're dad ;)

Plan9 10-04-2010 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CinnamonGirl (Post 2827992)
*facepalm* Don't use yahoo answers for anything. AAAANNNNYYYYTHIIIIIIING!

I know, right? Rumor has that is where Eden gets his sex tips.

Cimarron29414 10-04-2010 10:57 AM

I don't think I have ever wished more for a relationship to end. What's worse, I don't even feel bad about wishing.

chelle21689 10-04-2010 11:16 AM

Okay okay jeez. I get it you guys fuckin hate me and I'm the most terrible person in the world yeah I got it.

I

Pearl Trade 10-04-2010 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2828190)
Okay okay jeez. I get it you guys fuckin hate me and I'm the most terrible person in the world yeah I got it.

No one hates you. We hate your choices. Maybe "hate" isn't the right word. "Dislike passionately."

We give you advice and you'd rather use something like Yahoo Answers for help. Everyone on this board has a sound, trusted opinion, and you don't listen at-fucking-all. That's your choice, but let's try not to get so pissy about it.

Cimarron29414 10-04-2010 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2828190)
Okay okay jeez. I get it you guys fuckin hate me and I'm the most terrible person in the world yeah I got it.

I

Seriously? "The most terrible person in the world"? Does this defense mechanism normally work in your relationship? My God, but this man deserves a medal if he marries you - thus ensuring that none of the rest of us have to.

Do you not see how you are wasting our time? Rather than creating threads and asking our opinions - opinions you have no intention of processing and learning from - just make entries on your blog. That way, we can all slow down to view the trainwreck without feeling compelled to apply CPR on a corpse.

chelle21689 10-04-2010 02:37 PM

I honestly do like the opinions given on here because they give the relationship the benefit of the doubt. That's why we were doing really good for a couple months. If I didn't think answers.yahoo sucked then I would've never came here. I made a huge mistake almost as bad as cheating as some people would think but I don't think it's really necessary for all the insults given to me. But it's a free country so whatever.

dlish 10-05-2010 01:25 AM

free country?

ha! depends where you live darl.

and no one is insulted you personally. but rather your actions.

Xerxys 10-05-2010 06:27 AM

chelle21689, you snooped. Went out of your way to do so, in fact. It's wrong and essentially just means you don't trust him. Ask yourself if he is worth all the stress you go through thinking about weather he's busy hooking up with someone else or if your worth the stress of him not sending text messages because he's afraid your gonna get the wrong idea. You either trust him or you don't. Be upfront and communicate essential things like your feelings and you'll go a long way realizing your relationships potential.

As an aside ...

Whoa! What a terribly handled thread. Look at all of you in your high horses chastising someone like disappointed parents. As if you get to be outraged. Why don't you simply answer the question and leave the moral issues to the parties involved?

Classy TFP, classy. Freedom of speech has failed you yet once again.

Plan9 10-05-2010 06:38 AM

I love the paradox of snooping. We've got like half a dozen threads dedicated to it and it never gets old.

Martian 10-05-2010 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xerxys (Post 2828338)
Whoa! What a terribly handled thread. Look at all of you in your high horses chastising someone like disappointed parents. As if you get to be outraged. Why don't you simply answer the question and leave the moral issues to the parties involved?

Classy TFP, classy. Freedom of speech has failed you yet once again.

Freedom of speech? What?

Let's run with that. She's free to snoop and make her boyfriend hate her. I'm free to tell her it's a stupid thing to do. If I feel she's not taking my advice to heart, I'm also free to tell her that she's acting like a spoiled teenager and should smarten the hell up.

If you come here with a problem, you're probably going to get good advice. There is, however, no guarantee on the warm fuzzies.

Part of what keeps me coming back here is that not only are the admins okay with me being an asshole, they're even bigger assholes than I am. We're like one big happy asshole family.

Plan9 10-05-2010 07:05 AM

Freedom of speech also says you only speak for yourself. Asshole.

Baraka_Guru 10-05-2010 07:05 AM

You catch more flies with honey, dontcha know?

Seriously though. The whole tough love thing—bad cop, worse cop, or whatever—gets a bit grating after the dogpile.

Worst. advice columnists. ever.

You wander in for advice, and you get censure. How pessimistic can you get?

Cynthetiq 10-05-2010 07:11 AM

I don't know about free country, freedom of speech, or high horses.

what I do know is that you asked our community for a reality check, and they bounced it. plain and simple.

you have trust issues, however small that seed is, but you do. otherwise, you'd not snoop and then wonder if it means something more than it means.

chelle21689 10-05-2010 08:15 AM

Again, like I said...I made a mistake. I slipped up in the 3 years I haven't. I won't do it again and my bf forgave me and moved on. He tried to give me his PW AGAIN and trust me to not look at his stuff but I honestly don' t trust myself and to avoid temptation I didn't want it. Thanks everyone for the input, no thanks to everyone that insulted me with the name calling. I'm going to be honest, those people that are insulting me now did give good advice in my last post. Again, thanks for those that have helped. Now, I'm just going to try to put this issue behind me since it's old news and try to do better. My relationship has gotten better and this was the one thing that came up that could've brought a lot of damage but I'm lucky it hasn't and I'll try to be more careful to avoid it next time.

Amaras 10-05-2010 08:49 AM

The smart person learns from their mistakes, the wise person learns from
others' mistakes.

Cimarron29414 10-05-2010 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru (Post 2828356)
You catch more flies with honey, dontcha know?

Seriously though. The whole tough love thing—bad cop, worse cop, or whatever—gets a bit grating after the dogpile.

Worst. advice columnists. ever.

You wander in for advice, and you get censure. How pessimistic can you get?

This thread is a part of a larger picture. You can't look at (my) reactions to this thread without the context of her other threads. It is clear from the mere existence of this thread that previous threads were completely ignored. Hence, the frustration.

It's like a crack addict who wonders what's wrong with their life (Pssst. It's the crack.) "No, no, no, I need you to help me keep my job." "Fine, get off crack." "No, no, no, I can't keep a job because I don't have a car." "...because you use your money on crack rather than a car." "No, no, no, it's because I don't have a license." "...because you have a DWI from CRACK!" "Why won't you just help me keep my job! Geez, you are SO MEAN!"

Yeah, it's our shortcoming for not having the patience of patronizing the crack addict. Sheesh, bg.

Baraka_Guru 10-05-2010 01:02 PM

Hey, don't you "sheesh" me... :lol:

You can't expect a crack addict to clean up overnight. At the same time, you can't expect a person to change their outlook, habits, shortcomings overnight.

Oh, hey, they're actually addressing it, though, by posting on Internet forums, asking for help.

...I'm just sayin'.... some posts here do more harm than good.

But that's the prerogative of the posters. I happen to have my own as well. You can vent your frustrations if you want, but don't expect people like me to always sit idly by.

The_Jazz 10-05-2010 01:15 PM

Well, I suppose that if I didn't lead the negativity, I contributed.

But I stand by my statements. Namely because I've been in the boyfriend's position. I've been followed, accused of cheating, been forced to make all my phone calls in front of her, etc, etc. If I'd have had a cell phone, I'm sure she would have wanted to look at that too.

And it was a completely disfunctional relationship. When you're 19 and just happy to be getting laid, you might not recognize it. But when you're 20 years out and see the same scenario unfolding in front of you, it's hard to ignore.

This is not a match made in heaven. And it gets hard to be nice when you see your own past in front of you unfolding over a couple of threads.

Craven Morehead 10-05-2010 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelle21689 (Post 2828378)
I won't do it again and my bf forgave me and moved on.

That's what matters most. He sounds like a good person. And he must see that you're not all that bad, either. Keep all of this in mind the next time you have doubts.

good luck

chelle21689 10-05-2010 02:28 PM

Thanks cravenmorehead lol.

The Jazz, you were giving me your point of view...which basically is giving my bf's point of view which is good.

Brad1989 11-01-2010 03:20 PM

If my girlfriend snooped on me like that because she didn't trust me. I would dump her in a second. I have female friend and she knows that. If you don't trust who your with then the two of you aren't in love

ItWasMe 11-04-2010 12:34 AM

Just a question or three for chelle, none of which are meant to sound like a put down. Just curious to see where some of this is coming from.

Were you always untrusting/snooping with him, even before he became long distance?
Are you this way with everyone, or just him?
I am assuming from another thread that your parents are still together, correct?

L_Driver 11-17-2010 03:25 PM

Do you have any reason not to trust him or is there something in your past that is making you doubt him?

Honestly, I think you should've had enough control not to check to see if he changed his password immediately, but to pay money to check on a number is going a bit too far. I would definitely figure out what is making you act this way.

Go with your instinct. If you don't see harm if you were doing it, then you can't fault him for doing it.


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:50 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360