perplexed
 

im married and im itching to be with others. my wife is big and i want to know what its like to have sex with/be intimate with a different woman. ive never even held hands with another woman, a woman that has a different body and a different personality. what if the sex is better with someone else? what if my enjoyment out of life goes up with someone else? i wonder these things daily and its driving me crazy

those who have been married and have had sex/been with multiple women, is it worth divorcing to find out what others are like? i honestly think about this on a daily basis. im not the person i was when we got together and i really feel the need to get out there and try to find someone else, just to see if its better for me. i dont want to break her heart and ruin her life but i dont know what else to do. i constantly think about what if i could have done better, what if what if what if

she treats me decent but i am a bit suffocated in our relationship. i feel like i cant go out and have fun if shes there.

i feel like i never got to experience the dating game or trying to find someone since she basically fell into my lap. now i want to be single for a bit and find out if im truly happy being married or if im better off dating or finding someone else.

before we got married i told her i wanted to be with others to see if were truly meant for each other and she told me she would change, stop being controlling, lose weight, etc. to keep me around. so i took the easy way out and married her, and now i still have the itch to be with another.

what do i do?

I'm in a very similar situation. I've been tossing around the idea of finding a fuck buddy, with a much better body, to see if I'm really "missing out" like I think I am. My thinking is that if I find I'm as miserable as I sometimes think I am, than maybe I should consider divorce, but if I find out the fun is fleeting and not worth it, I can stay with her, stop feeling miserable and enjoy what I have. I wouldn't disagree with anybody who thought this was a terrible idea. Part of my problem is that my idea's/desires/whatever about sex have been poisoned by pornography.

One thing that I've found has helped is doing my part to work on the relationship... do nice things for her, etc. Bring some excitement back into the relationship. You'll probably find that you enjoy it more.

You either do what you feel is right, or you settle. Marriage is not something that one should jump to out of convenience or pity.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT THE SAME ANON MEMBER
If you're not happy, either take steps to make yourself happy, or leave. This is the only life you get, live to enjoy it.


Does this justify being an asshole? No, but if you don't put youself first, noone will.

Note: ABOVE NULL AND VOID IF YOU HAVE KIDS...they are priority now.

Talking with your spouse about opening up your marriage or taking a break is admirable and will probably come up in this thread, but if you're already sexually unhappy with your wife, you realistically don't have enough open and honest communication to pull off "Honey, I'm not happy with you, and want to dip my wick elsewhere, k?" without getting kicked in the ballzak.

Honestly? I suggest next time you're on a business trip, or she's out of town, have $300 socked away and hire yourself a nice high class escort. Be safe, wrap it up, make sure you pick someone with good reviews on theeroticreview board, and get it out of your system. NEVER tell her about it.

This is better than a fling because (if you do your research and choose wisely) you have a guaranteed good time, without the deception and time investment of having to cultivate some sort of relationship with this person outside of your hour or so together. If you choose someone with good reviews on TER instead of just cold calling someone off of backpage, the legal risk is so slim as to be laughable, and the disease risk is probably the same or lower as if you just met someone in a bar.

If that's enough to get your poonquest out of your system, great. If you still feel trapped for other emotional reasons, well, address them as best you can. I feel like this is the best solution to the question, however unpopular that opinion is likely to be.

i wont resort to telling yuu about seeing a marriage councillor, or that you need to work on the communication aspect of your relationship because it seems like it's lacking.

what i will tell you though is that it seems like you dont know why you want to leave. is it her weight? is it because the grass is greener? is it the bad sex? is it a combination? the vibe i'm getting from you is a confused ramble. only you can decide this for yourself.

my advice is think long and hard about this before proceeding. theres no right or wrong here, but at the end of the day it's what makes you happy, but you need to find out what makes you unhappy about your relationship.

Other mitigating circumstances that you havent told us about should also affect your decision also; namely how long you have been with her and if you have any kids.

---------- Post added at 08:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:01 AM ----------

oh, one other thing, if you're doing your head in about all of this, hiring a hooker will only confuse you and muddy the siutation even more. you need a clear head and clear conscience for this.

you'll end up running yourself into the ground.

DONT.DO.IT

My ex left me for this reason, so I can't advocate that you end your marriage for it. As the one that was left behind, it hurt like you wouldn't believe.

I'd say talk to her about it. Be honest, open and direct. From what I've experienced, open communication is the key (if not "a" key) to healthy relationships.

I completely agree with dlish on this subject. I'm on the other end of this spectrum and if my husband was unhappy I would try to mend our relationship or give it a break. Some days I feel the same way with my marriage. We had kids and got married really young. Neither of us had any other serious relationships. And I have talked to him about this kind of thing happening in our relationship. For one I am a big girl and I know that I'm not really sexually attractive to most and I would understand if he has thought about this. He tells me he loves me just the way I am and this relationship works. Now if you don't talk to her about this you will live a life of regrets and if it were me I would feel guilty for making my husband stay with me out of quilt. I would never want him to live his life wondering "what if". I'm not saying I would buy him a hooker if he wanted one, but I would want him to be happy.

Good luck with this choice and think hard before moving forward.

Condoms don't 100% protect against STD's, especially HPV (which causes genital warts and cervical cancer) and herpes.

Don't cheat on her. Even with protection, you could be taking some disease home to your wife, and she doesn't deserve that just because you didn't want to make a firm decision.

If you aren't happy, figure out what would make you happy. Let her know that you feel lied to because she didn't stick to the things she promised you she would do if you stayed. If she doesn't care about you, there's no reason for you to stay with her.

Sounds to me that it's more like she doesn't care about herself and has low self esteem. If she doesn't care about her weight and manipulates you, she needs to work on those issues or risk pushing you away.

Your wife deserves to be with someone who truly loves her. If you aren't sure about your happiness in this relationship then talk to her about it. If her making an effort to take better care of herself will appease you and fix the issues, great.

Lack of experience leaves a person without perspective. This goes in all areas of life, not just sex. I know what great coffee tastes like because I've tried a lot of coffee. I know I'm in a great relationship because I know what others have had to offer. I have comparisons. I fell in love before I had much experience and I was in the same boat you are now. Wondering what other girls feel like, wondering how other personalities mesh with mine. You spend all of your time eating yourself up because you don't know if what you have is good and if you're wasting your life when you might be so much happier.

Your wife deserves to know how you feel. She deserves the opportunity to choose if she wants to stay or not. You deserve to know what other experiences are out there. But, if you decide later that you miss what you had be prepared to hear that she's moved on and doesn't want you back. Tough choice, but, man, nothing is ever easy.

This is really simple.

You gave your word to be a specific way with her, when you stood at the altar (or whatever) with her.

Until you explicitly re-define that word, that promise you made is still in effect.

None of your whining changes the fact that you promised something fairly specific that day. Buyers who get buyers remorse are still buyers.

Be a man of your word.

It sounds to me like you settled for a woman you didn't really want to spend your life with. Because of that, there's no easy way out of this. Fact is, this will not go away. Those "What if?"'s are here until they're answered. Therefore you have two options.

Option A) Leave your wife, probably destroy her emotionally, and go out and try to find what you're looking for, or...

Option B) Work your head out, establish better communication with your wife as far as what your wants and needs are, and get over the "What if?"'s.

Option A may seem like the easier one, but you have to think long run. Being single isn't easy. That's probably why you settled in the first place. It's lonely and downright fucking sucks sometimes. It'll just as much work as working this out with your wife, if not more.

I'm not trying to be biased on what I think you should do, though. I don't know the whole situation. I think it really comes down to whether or not you truly love her. If you do, I'd say work it out. If you don't, cut your losses and get out.

Just remember, everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes you have to be a bit selfish to truly correct them.

---------- Post added at 05:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:35 PM ----------

That's all fine and dandy until reality steps in and one realizes just how prone the heart is to making mistakes and changing the way it feels.

That's the first problem with vowing forever to another person, but that's probably another thread...

I know this may sound paradoxical, considering who it's coming from, but... That's a commonly held view of things that is IMO nothing more than emo nonsense justifying a five-year-old-style temper tantrum about getting what I want when I want it.

Look, one alternative is to alter his agreement with his wife to include other relationships. She would have to accept that alteration to their agreement for that to work, of course, and given what he's said, she might have a hard time with that. But I'm saying something much more nuanced here than "shut up and settle". I think he really can have anything he wants as long as it's done inside a context of honoring his word. That's the foundation for my relationships working. Sometimes that's ALL that has my relationships work. Polyamory's not all picnics and blowjobs, you know.

Whether it's emo nonsense or not, if this guy simply settled and doesn't really love this woman, he owes it to her to break his word and let her find someone that means it.

I would like to see things work out between this member and his wife. In my opinion, if they truly love each other, it shouldn't be that hard to work out, but sometimes things just can't be truly worked out and words have to be broken.

If they truly love each other, and are mature enough to handle this alternative, I agree it's the best way to fix this. I honestly think, from the vibe of his post, this guy settled for a girl he didn't really want to be with, and the only thing that fixes a mistake like that is honesty and pain.

Cheating, in any form, is a coward's way of dealing with unhappiness in a relationship. What constitutes cheating in a relationship varies relationship to relationship, but for the most part all involved knows what it is and usually involves "if you feel you have to hide it, it is probably cheating."

That being said, Marriage or no, if you are in a relationship and are not happy, you have really only two choices. Stay in and try to work to make it so that you ARE happy, or leave.

Both have consequences, and we may not like everything that happens from that choice.
There isn't necessarily a perfect solution as your partner has their own life, opinions, and desires to be happy. Your choice will directly affect them, as their reactions will directly affect you.

I wish you the best and I hope for both of you and your partner's sakes that all works out for the both of you in the end.

Thank you Ratbastid....maybe I am a bitch but I think you are a selfish kid who isn't getting his rocks off the way he sees others getting theirs on the net so now he wants to check things out for himself. I mean really, who do you think you are? You don't get married if your not ready for it to be forever! Yeah people grow and change...the point is to grow and change WITH each other not away from each other. There are couples out in the real world dealing with REAL life stresses that could contribute to divorce in understandable terms....the fact that you just want to bag some other chick is not understandable or acceptable. Get it together, work on your marriage. If you put half the effort into her that you do thinking about the other women out there you could possibly become more happy than you ever imagined.

You can't imagine the heartache or destruction your actions might cause when you walk away for the sole purpose of sexual gratification. Your wife satisfied you once she can do it again.

until death do use part... that's a long time.

yeah, it's not like you can just pick something else off the menu now that you're done with this one, or don't like it anymore.

i'm loyal to a fault, but that's to my benefit in my relationship to my wife.

Spoken like a true romantic. I highly doubt that even a fraction of the people who get married actually realize what they are walking into. Sticking to your promise at the altar is all fine and dandy, but when you stop and look at things realistically, you'll see that people do in fact grow apart and try as you might, shit just don't work.

As for the second paragraph I quoted, like P.o.A. said, if this guy settled from the start, then perhaps he wasn't happy to begin with.

Or perhaps he didn't have anyone else who was willing to pull on his pole on a regular basis so he thought better her than no one....and the true romantic part, whatever....I am 33 years old and never married because I knew that I wasn't ready for the forever-ever part....this isn't the 50's-60's anymore in which one feels obligated to marry, we have choices and control over our futures....the fact that he choose to "settle" is some how supposed to be an excusable reason to say I quit now? No it's not but as long as you all keep telling him that it is not only excusable but acceptable his conscious will be clear.....the only acceptable outcome besides my original post of rekindling the flame he promised to keep ignited till death do them part is for him to divorce her and end up being cheated on and infected with STD's by every skinny girl he thought was gonna give him what he was missing.....and his ex finds a real man who is equally devoted to her and lives happily ever after.

Well, yeah. Not being happy kinda goes hand in hand with the whole settling part, don't you think? As for your "fair" punishment, I disagree. As you said, his ex should find a man who returns her love and affection in an equal manner. Otherwise, she's settling too.

I do not advocate cheating and I never have. However, if he can't find the strength to actually try and save his marriage, then leaving her is what he should do regardless of what he said at the altar. Why have both of them suffer because of the promise you made when you got married?

That's called settling...

Kudos for being ever wise in all of your immense self-righteousness, but not all of us were blessed with such insight from birth. Some of us had to gain it through experience and mistakes.

People make mistakes. Especially, when it comes to matters of the heart. I, for one, am not condoning his actions, but I do understand that these mistakes are made. It sucks when one makes a mistake that destroys another emotionally, but these things happen. There's no getting around that, and to think there is is simply naive.

I ask of you, which is the better option: Stay with a person you don't love and inevitably hurt them worse with dishonesty, or take the honest/hard route and at least be straightforward with the person you've wronged?

I see what your saying and understand your ideology, you are probably being more rational than I am about this. But, I just can't get past this whole idea that we can just pick out a new one when the old one doesn't work as good as it once did. THAT'S CALLED DATING NOT MARRIAGE!

The truth of the matter is this man is not going to find what he is looking for somewhere else. I have had amazing lovers who would have made AWFUL husbands and terrible lovers whom I could have spent my whole life with.....the issue is not about what he is missing in his relationship but what he is missing within himself. This cycle will continue for him and any relationship he is in if he doesn't figure out what he needs and is craving out of life.

You notice he mentioned nothing about serious and life altering issues, just the fact that he wants to try out a skinny girl or even any girl other than his wife.....he isn't complaining that his wife is not meeting his emotional, economical, or supportive needs. He is complaining that she's fat and he wants to sleep around. So what happens when he meets the skinny chick who's a bad lay and even worse human being? What do we say then? Keep trying until you find the right one? It seems to me he is bored and has probably reached the comfort stage of his marriage (over 7 years) and just doesn't know how to move forward from here.

---------- Post added at 08:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:35 PM ----------

I have lived and learned just like you...self-righteous?!?! Yeah, it's obvious you know nothing about me...nor was I implying that my way is the only way...just because I take marriage seriously and people's self-worth and commitments to one another equally as serious does not make me self-righteous...it means I stand for something. Sorry for you...

No I don't think someone should stay and be miserable or make someone else miserable just because they made a mistake when they weren't wise enough to know better BUT I also don't think it should just be an easy: "Well you settled and you were young and now that you know better lets just destroy other lives so you can get what you were always looking for." What's wrong with saying: " You should try to work it out with your wife first?" What's wrong with asking him to put some effort into the woman he committed his life too? If he tries and fails and he tries and fails or if she just doesn't meet him half way, well then sure you need to move forward you did all you could to fix the marriage....but until your exhausted from trying....YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH!

That's where the "saving the marriage" part comes in. If he can, then he should try and get whatever feelings he's had for her at the beginning back. If not, this seemingly stupid desire to just fuck around will erode not only his feelings to her, but the entire dynamic of their relationship hurting them both in the end.

You're right I do know nothing about you, except what you post on this forum, which is what I replied to. When one poses the argument that because they made it a certain amount of time without making that mistake, it's inexcusable for anybody else to make that mistake, it comes off as very self-righteous in my eyes.

Don't be sorry for me. I'm doing just fine.

As I said earlier, that is the right route to take if he truly loves her and didn't simply settle. If that's not the case, this relationships over. Period.

You are right with the issue part. Dead on to be exact. However, you have had great lovers and bad lovers. This guy has had one and how the hell is he to know if she is a bad one or a great one. I think that the OP thinks she is a bad one, or else he probably wouldn't be thinking this.

The OP's question could have been written by myself a year ago. I know exactly what he is talking about. I am now divorced.

Wow, glad to see TFP has finally sunk to giving useful advice like "stop feeling what you are feeling," "you are an asshole" "if you bone anyone else you'll get an STD and your peener will fall off" and "spend the rest of your life miserable, it's the honorable thing to do"

If he doesn't have kids and doesn't love his wife anymore, what exactly is it that he should stay?

Would y'all be giving the same advice if the OP went something like "I think I'm gay now...I got married despite these feelings, but now feel trapped in a marriage to someone I'm not attracted to who may not even be the right gender...what do I do?"

Maybe I'm out of line, but he needs to have one hard blunt convo with his wife, "I'm not happy with our sex life, and it makes me want to sleep with other people, what can we do about this?" and then if she is not willing to put any effort into changing things for the better, he needs to decide how he wants to spend the rest of his life.

Get a divorce.

Seriously. This is why waiting until marriage to have sex is a horrible idea, because of the gnawing idea that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Whether it is or it isn't is not the issue; you resent your wife for being in a monogamous relationship. So, pack the bags, sign the papers, and get your oats out of your system before you decide you're going to tie the knot again.

I can totally understand going through a divorce because of incompatibility, falling out of love, a whole multitude of reasons; wanting to try some strange is not one of them. Grow up before your next "serious" relationship.

Kate Chopin was an idiot.

thanks for all the replies, this place is awesome

i understand where everyone is coming from, it doesnt make a whole lot of sense unless you know our history.

i used to be super shy and very self conscious and was socially disabled. i grew out of it and now that i am settled, i have even more confidence in myself and my life. i got married because it was the easy thing to do. i dated her and married her because it was habit, not because i was truly in love with her. i love her because weve been together for a long time and thats it. there is no more spark. i dont look forward to sex even though the sex isnt bad. i am a negative person at heart, very analytical about everything and i need someone to cheer me up basically. shes a negative person as well, though shes not rude or mean or anything, shes simply battled the same problems that i used to have her whole life, and im passed them now and want a positive person to be around.

for years now ive been numb. numb to everything. i feel trapped in my relationship. i never look forward to anything. i haven't felt that "high in life" feeling you get on a weekend in years. i recklessly spend money trying to get happy but it always fails. i feel like now that ive sorted out my insecurity issues, my life is already over. just waiting to die right now. i think i may be depressed.

yes ive talked to her about all of this, a few times in a explosion of feelings and crying. we always make up and then a month later im depressed again. it feels like i never got to experience life as who i really am. i want to know what its like to be with an extroverted person, someone who can give me a new perspective on life, not someone to bring me down, someone i married out of habit and because i was afraid to hurt her and her family.

like i said before it's not truly about the sex -- our sex life is pretty good. we have sex twice a week at least and its decent every time but i am never in the mood. i have to force myself to get turned on. i used to enjoy oral sex but now i can barely stay hard during it (this started when i started to feel depressed years ago).

it just feels like im wasting away. i need social interaction with other people and my wife watches me like a hawk if i talk to anyone else, much less if the other person is a female (she thinks im gonna cheat on her all the time, i cant blame her, though i would never do that because i know it won't solve anything). i need someone in my life that i can look at and be turned on, look at and be cheered up, look at and enjoy life. right now i see her and all i think about is how this is what im with till i die. and then i come and bitch about it here.

This is going to sound naive (and perhaps it is) but what about taking a leadership role in getting your marriage out of the funk. If she's unmotivated or complacent, set an example and bring her along.

Enroll the two of you in some sort of hobby workshop or activity: Cooking class, wine appreciation, pottery, photography... What's going on down at the local Rec Centre? Are there any local games nights? Guided nature walks?

Sign her up and force her along. It doesn't have to be hard core or high impact, just something to get you out of the house and away from screens.

You guys need new stuff to talk about and experience that isn't just the latest tech gadget or gaming trend - something outside your comfort zone.

Taking the initiative to create activities you can do together will affirm your faithfullness in her eyes and hopefully get some momentum going again.

It sounds like you need to work on yourself. You can't count on other people to complete you. Maybe see a doctor, get some counselling and medication, if necessary, then decide if your marriage is worth staying or leaving.

You might have gotten into it as the easy thing to do, but leaving it because it's the easy thing to do is just as wrong. You must try to work it out, or just face the fact that you are a quitter, and only in it for the quick fix and easy life. "As you sew, so shall you reap" ( not to get biblical, but it seems to fit )

An easy life is boring. Challenge is where we grow and get stronger. Challenge yourself to work this out with your wife, and if you can't then you will leave the marriage at least knowing you tried.

I broke off my marriage with my wife, and I'm sure it was the right thing to do. I tried to make it work for a long time and I still feel like a failure. That is hard to get over.

Sorry if this was a bit disjointed...

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-+-{Important TFP Staff Message}-+- OK folks, let's keep it civil in here

anyway, while marriage is a promise and it should be "till death do us part" nobody knows what the future will hold. Things happen and some circumstances just force the marriage to be dissolved. If nobody is willing to accept the fact that even if you date for a while and think you know the person and that things can go sour at any point is very naive. While I certainly applaud the fact that a promise should be kept and I try to keep my end of the bargain on the promise I made, some things just don't work out in the end. It's not the most beautiful picture to paint, but neither is being unhappy in a marriage. Why not just let both people find someone new and truly be happy? Is marriage so sacred that we have to sacrifice our happiness because of a stupid social practice??

i find it entertaining that many here consider leaving her is the easy way out when i view it as the complete opposite. in my opinion staying with her is the easy way out, just like getting married to her was the easy way out. leaving her would be the hardest thing ive ever done in my entire life without a doubt

ive tried doing activities with her. hiking, exercising, going out on dates and stuff, but the spark just isnt there. its like trying to have fun with your sister. its fun but it can only go so far sensually.

It sounds to me like you really want out of the relationship, and you want our support and for us to tell you to go for it. I left my boyfriend of seven years in the spring, because even though I love him very much, I wasn't feeling "in love" anymore.

I know I hadn't made the legally binding decision to marry him, but the emotional ties were all but knotted. It was the hardest I have ever done, but I am happier, and he is doing okay.

If you are really and truly unhappy and believe that you would become a better you if you were to leave, you should leave. You've already convinced yourself, so stop waiting for us to say it's okay.

Two things:

1) This was the best line in the whole thread.

2) It's threads like this that make me wish for a Tilted Guys subforum. Not that female input here isn't appreciated, but sometimes the sum of their experiences does not adequately prepare them for the way that men are socialized, the way we "think" and the things we desire. It's no fault of theirs, as we're just as unaware of their cumulative experiences, but sometimes I see something that this Anonymous User would ask his male friends IRL if they were around, but not one he'd pose to his female friends. But when women (in my opinion) unfairly judge this sort of behavior as some kid just trying to get his rocks off, I just can't help but believe they just do not and will not understand the effect(s) of male socialization on our behavior in these sorts of situations. Furthermore, I find that the advice offered by men on these types of topics (both affirmative and negative) more effectively answer the "question."


</derail>

My only real input for the original poster is that "grass is greener" syndrome will happen everywhere you look, and it's very easy to get lost in the "what if?" People have this same sort of feeling about their jobs.. took it because they needed the money, been with the company 10 years now, work there because it's "easy", but wonder if there are other jobs out there they might like better. I'd wager about half the people are right, and the grass really is greener. And I'd wager that the other half was terribly wrong, and failed to measure all the 'perks' of their current job. The unfortunate part is we don't really know which 50% we're in until it happens. There's really no good advice we can give you, because we don't know any better than you whether the grass is really greener. It's up to you to decide how badly you want to discover which half you're in.

When it comes to divorce, you have to weigh the costs and the alternatives. Costs include: emotional consequences, alienation from former spouse, loss of property/assets (depending on your state), less future earning potential, religious and social consequences, etc. Alternatives include: possible future happiness, possible future relationships with others, personal freedom, etc. You get the picture, I hope. If the costs are high and alternatives are low, people in that case usually don't divorce. If the costs are low and alternatives are high, people in that case usually opt for divorce. Based on what you've said here, it sounds as if you fall into the second category. I would say you should consider it; divorce may be difficult in the short run, but sometimes in the long run it's the best thing to do. If you are truly unhappy, don't spend the rest of your life being unhappy. Fix the situation.

I reread the thread just now, and don't know why I didn't quote this before. Why is her emotional health more important than his? Would you really have preferred your SO to say "I'm miserable in this relationship, we've tried everything, I'm still miserable, there's nothing you can do to make me not-miserable, but I'm going to stay with you and be miserable the rest of my life so that you don't suffer some short term emotional distress"

What he said.

I wonder how many advocates of staying together due to the vows said at the altar are religious folk. I mean, I could potentially understand their point of view then because they would see it as breaking a promise made with their god of choice as a witness.

Otherwise, I really can't.

You don't have to be religious. It's a matter of character.

Eta: I better clarify this right now, before I am accused of saying everyone who goes through a divorce is a person of low character.

Shit happens. That is the one universal truth. But taking a commitment made to someone (if the term "marriage" is a stumbling block), a commitment that is, supposedly, a commitment of the sharing of souls, a life partner, the other half that completes you, as frivolously as "gave it a shot, babe, and you weren't scratching the itch" shows very little character. Buck up and admit you made a mistake, that you weren't ready for commitment, rather than debase the idea of commitment.

Wouldn't it also be a matter of character to confess to your wife that you're not happy with her and let her find somebody who will love her as she deserves to be loved?

You view it as a valuable display of good character to choose to be miserable and spend the rest of your life with someone with whom you have irreconcilable differences? Lifelong devotion over all other circumstances makes little sense in absence of belief in an afterlife to be rewarded for wasting this one.

I view it as a matter of character to 'make do' if there are kids, other than that, don't marry lightly, give it your best shot, and if it doesn't work out, live and learn.

For all of you who believe he should quit:

80% of all marriages in India are arranged by the parents.
India's divorce rate is 10% (Hinduism forbids remarriage if your divorce).

So, you marry a stranger and yet you have a 90% success rate. Do you think that 90% of Indians are miserable? No. Some of them are, but a majority commit to their marriage (to a virtual stranger) and find happiness in it. Of course your wife is overweight, negative, and jealous. Everytime you aren't happy, you threaten to ruin her life! How could anyone live in that environment and find contentment. Her future is now dictated by your whims. I feel sorry for her.

You cannot compare Indian traditions to American ones and draw any kind of parallels. The very mentality about everything is different. Society plays a huge role in how you should behave and what you should do. There is no such pressure in the States. Besides, you just said that remairrage is forbidden if you divorce, so once you are single again, you cannot uphold yourself to the social standard of being married in the future. Plus there is the whole thing of being disowned by your parents.

I would guarantee that if the social views on marries from America were brought over to India and given enough time to acclimate, the divorce rate would be comparable.

being together for a decade is a little bit different than gave it a shot babe.

there seems to be an idea floating around that i want nothing more than to be away from her when its the other way around -- i would love for our relationship to work. i want it to. i want to love her forever and be with her until were old and spending our retirement. but i cant mask the sense of dread i get waking up every day. i cant mask the constant wonder of what it would be like with a more cheerful person. i cant pretend that i dont care if its weekend, workday, night, day, vacation, slammed at work, its all nothing. nothing really phases me in life because i feel restricted by our relationship. if i could trick myself or my feelings into wanting to be with her forever then i would.

i dont see myself anywhere in this thread debating the idea of commitment. i actually see myself admitting that i took the easy way out and screwed up. maybe you got lost in the wrong thread?

I'm not sure if you're including me in that. There seems to be some unclarity around my first post (which is surprising to me, because I thought I was fairly straightforward). Let me rephrase.

Whatever you do about this, what will work best is to be above-board in all your dealings--in your marriage especially, but not exclusively. In other words, don't lie and don't cheat. Those sorts of actions will only haunt you.

Get divorced, if that's what you're going to do. Or have a conversation with her to redefine the nature of your relationship, and the agreements you have with each other. But whatever you do, deal honestly with her about it. She deserves that. Don't go behind her back. Let her know the whole deal, and take whatever lumps you're going to take. Better to take the impact of how it really is than to cover up and be dodging the truth for the rest of your life.

She might just surprise you. She might be a bigger person than you give her credit for. You'll never know that if you keep being afraid of damaging her.

For the record, I'm not a religious folk.

Now that you have rephrased it, I can agree with you. It came off as you saying that they should stay together no matter what due to the vows they took.

Sounds like you're blaming your own depression on your wife. Getting your dick wet isn't going to make life worth living again if you're that far gone--it sounds like you're assigning cause and effect where there isn't any:

I am married, I feel numb to the world, therefore it must be my marriage causing me to feel numb.

You are missing the point. They CAN divorce. They choose not to. While I agree that Indian traditions are different than Amercian ones, I can still compare them. Your post seems to contend that because American society currently condones abandoning your wife due to the level of gravitational pull she commands, I certainly don't view that as a strength of our society.

There's a reason why our divorce rate is 60%.

Because free choice and marriage don't mix?

It should not be a matter of societal standing period. It should be a personal choice or a mutual agreement between involved parties. If somebody feels that they want to leave their partner because of whatever unsolvable reason*, they should be able to do so without being shunned.

Granted, I would not ever look favorably on couples with children divorcing just because they don't have kids, but I guess it's better sometimes than killing them. But I digressssssssss.

My point is that rules of society should not apply when it comes to the way your partner makes you feel.

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*Unsolvable meaning after they've tried to reconcile things and it didn't work.

Could the member who suggested TheEroticReview or anybody who has VIP membership PM me, please? I have some questions about the site.

obviously my post about the societal practice of marriage was missed. I find it sad that a status of marriage trumps individual or mutual happiness. This whole marriage was based on falsehoods and empty promises as well as a lack of respect and and confidence. If there is no way to mend that, then it's doubtful that either one is happy..and they are in fact ruining *each other's lives*

at that point, there is no healthy reason to stay married.. even less of a point if it's only to achieve some archaic status in society.

...or because integrity, commitment, character, perseverance and American society no longer mix. I am not going to debate the merits of marriage with those who don't have any intention of changing their mind.

Divorce her, at least she will have a shot at meeting someone who believes in the vows he took.

vows are only worth their weight if both people are doing what they should be doing. While the OP is certainly not at fault in this by any stretch, the wife has clearly shown an interest in not making an effort either, so it stands to reason that she doesn't take the vows seriously.

We can now determine her commitment to her vows based on an unknown level of gravitational pull, can we?

Can you imagine the misery she must feel knowing that every night the OP sneaks off to his computer room for 7 hours of internet porn when all she wants is for him to come watch TV with her, or take her out on a date, or read her a few pages of the book he is reading, or dance with her in the living room...

We reap what we sow. He's getting exactly out of his marriage what he puts in. She's hopeless because there is no hope, she's just waiting for her execution. She's been waiting for it since before they got married.

As somebody who is in a similar situation as the OP, I agree with all of this. Granted some situations just aren't meant to be, but I think a lot of relationships don't work out because people are just to lazy to make it work out. There are two sides to every story, and we can only judge so much.

Projecting much?

Nope. Happily married for 10 years. Thanks for asking, though.

First off, the OP clearly stated that he tried to back out of the marriage before it happened. Secondly, he stated that his wife made promises to lose weight etc. She has not lived up to her end of the deal.. if she took her oaths seriously, then she would make her promises a reality. Promises don't mean shit until they are followed through on.

I'm curious where are the posts he made that you read and I didn't...I only made the snarky comment because you seem to be providing guilt, not advice.

There's obviously two sides to this story, but we only have his.

We don't know if she's happy...we don't even know definitively if his marriage is the sole source of his unhappiness (unlikely).

Anyways, wasn't trying to start a flame war, your scenario just seemed to lay it on a bit thick.

im sorry, do i know you? who the hell mentioned any of that crap? just because a man is unhappy in his relationship doesnt mean hes an automatic scumbag. and for the record i treat her very well. her friends and coworkers consider her spoiled by me.

That old saying about assumptions...

It applies here.

Surely, you can see the difference between a pre-marital promise to cut calories and a "...til death do we part" vow.

surely you can understand that if that was a promise made in order to make him feel at ease with saying a vow, then it's not a stretch to say she wasn't committed either.

What is the difference? They're both promises.

Obviously, no promises are being kept in this relationship. That's why it's not working.

The self-righteous crap in this thread aside, it's pretty simple. Dude settled, he's realized he settled and isn't truly happy, and now it's time for him to man up, break a heart, move on, and learn from his mistakes. It's called growing up. It happens to all of us.

"im married and im itching to be with others. my wife is big and i want to know what its like to have sex with/be intimate with a different woman. ive never even held hands with another woman, a woman that has a different body and a different personality."

I'm sorry. You are the paragon of good husbands. Only on the internet can the guy that says "stay with your wife, try harder" become the villian.

That's funny, I can with a clean conscience say GET OUT FOR THE SAKE OF BOTH OF YOU BEFORE YOU BREED and not feel like the bad guy one bit.

He's not a good husband, and it's not a healthy marriage. That's the point. They need to cut their losses and both find people who will treat them better.

This isn't about marriage, it's about happiness. Without happiness, a marriage is void anyhow...

Only because said guy is advocating unhappiness for both of them should the OP stay.

You would really stay in an unhappy marriage just because you took your vows? Say you tried everything, but the wife is just not responding and you begin to lose all kinds of feelings for her. She doesn't make you happy. Seeings her is a chore. You wake up every day feeling miserable. If you're a masochist (and somewhat of a sadist), then I can see you staying.

...except that isn't what we are talking about here. We are talking about someone who started the entire thread with: "I think I want to have sex with other women, should I?" That isn't exactly "how do I know when I have done everything I can to save my marriage?" thread, now is it.

---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:53 PM ----------

The difference between what I am saying and what you are saying is this: you say "he's not a good husband and it's not a healthy marriage, so leave." I say, "He's not a good husband, so until he fixes that, we don't know if it can be a healthy marriage or not." Start by giving everything, by truly submitting to your marriage. It's the only way to walk away with a clean heart (when/if) doesn't work out. I've always been amazed how much my situtation changes when I am willing to give more.

Well, that same person later posted again and sad that he did try to bring the spark back by taking her out, going places, trying to do activities and that it didn't work. What's your advice for him now? To try harder? And if that doesn't work?

RE: My last post..

It seems, to me, that you haven't read his later posts. He has stated that he has put effort into changing and it is not working. It is time to call it quits.

Furthermore, this man, clearly, does not truly love this woman and never has. Love can't be forced. It was over before it started. Move on.

You are better than this.

If you sincerely believe you have tried your best, and that the relationship is not working because she is not working at it as well, why do you still need santion from TFP to leave? I think maybe you are trying, but you also have your own issues that are clouding things.

it sounds as though you two are in a downward spiral. You don't feel like she is doing what she can to help the marriage so you get depressed and start failing to help the marriage from your side. It starts off small, on both sides. Then one day you wake up and realize that you are nowhere near the point of where you were, so now the downward spiral starts to get steeper and steeper until it gets out of control and one side gets irrepairably hurt. Only through communication with your wife can you find out if either of you are truly past that point. If you are, then little to nothing can make it work. If neither of you are past that point, then you BOTH need to work together to make it work. It will be a full time effort for the both of you, there will be little points of achievement and alot of sacrifice. It is a difficult climb back up but only you(collective) can decide if it is worth it. Don't expect to talk 1 evening with your wife and have everything magically the way it "was" in the morning. I wish you both the best.

--tenchi