My girlfriend wants to be stripper.
 

I'm 25 with a girlfriend of 22. We've been dating for 2 1/2 years, living together for all of it. We are very close and I love her deeply.

Recently our financial situation has sucked. I'm about to be sued for student loans and my medical expenses are insane. My girlfriend recently lost her job and I am about to be terminated due to medical absences.

My girlfriend stripped for a short time before we met. We've talked off and on about her doing it again. Obviously the money is great, and as my girlfriend is just gorgeous she wouldn't have any lack of customers.

We decided to try it. She has given me full permission to pull the plug at any point where I am no longer able to tolerate it. She has also agreed to pull the plug if she believes it will hurt our relationship in any way.

My girl is able to separate stripping entirely from her sexuality. She just sees it as a job. She put boundaries in place and wil adhere to them. She doesn't remove her bottoms/thong and does not lap dance but only gives 'private dances' with no touch.

I trust her. I'm not worried about her leaving me or crossing her 'no touch' boundaries for extra money. It's not the kind of person she is. All of my logic points to this being a great idea, thousands of dollars a month to pull us out of our hole.

Problem is I've started to have panic attacks. I haven't had panic attacks since I was taking heavy stimulants. I don't know exactly why I'm upset. Every time she mentions something about the strip club my stomach turns cold and I nearly double over. I have the ability to stop her from going but I can't figure out WHY I'm so upset about this. I don't want to cost her financial freedom, the ability to pay for health care costs and put herself through school. I also don't want the stress to hit a point where I start shitting blood (fun stress response of mine).

Anyone have any opinions? Things to think or options to try?

...it doesn't matter why you are upset...what matters is that you are. And nothing is worth risking your health. Plus, it doesn't sound like you would be holding her back from achieving her dreams since you mentioned it's for financial reasons only. Put your heads together and make a list of alternative jobs she could do that would generate the same income.


:rose:

^^ I dare say there isn't a similar job that would pull the same income shell. You see, I have actually looked at a the net income of a PIMP and was ever so deeply impressed. Now, stripping in the USA being legal has to be more if not the same.

But shell has it straight up. You gots ta pull the plug my brother!! Get two night jobs as well as your internship and schooling duties. Case in point, the suing didn't cause this much stress but the stripping did. I dare say you'll handle the two jobs better.

I think the reason you feel like this is because anything sex related carries emotional baggage that you, my friend, can't handle. People will tell you you have to disassociate it. That only you can attach this baggage.

It doesn't work like that.

Then don't. Stressing to the point that you begin to shit blood is an unacceptable and intolerable response - one that certainly shouldn't be catered to if doing so results in canceling out an opportunity for you and your partner to get ahead.

As it's obvious that you aren't, I'm not arguing that you should be completely comfortable with the situation but I suggest you take and long and hard introspective look at yourself and consider whether or not your inability to deal with stress is the real issue here.

After all, if you two trust each other as much as you say you do, what's the big deal?

A little Confucius for you: "I'm fine," says the man who craps blood.

...

Yeah. I hear being a drug dealer is good money, too. I'm not making a judgment here, but I am suggesting that "easy money" is never easy.

If you're really both okay with her resorting to this to make money during hard times, you shouldn't be dying inside... especially physically.

Panic attacks? Internal organs crying tears of your crimson life-fluid? Something ain't kosher.

(close your eyes a sec, UC)...well, as we all know, one can be 100% trustworthy and still fall victim to an uncontrollable magnetic attraction* outside the home that weakens, changes priorities, and sometimes causes one to jump ship.

*i'm not talking about cheating due to loose morals. I'm talking about becoming genuinely confused with who to love when faced with another choice.

...being a stripper ups the ante for temptation vs other careers. UC also knows that deep down and that's what's eating away at him (or maybe it's just the oogling by others...in a disrespectful way...of what belongs to him).

...with that being said though...that can happen anywhere (and if it does then i would let go and move on because if someone didn't love me enough to stay true then i'd be off to find one that did)


:rose:

Is there anything else beyond the stripping that's causing you anxiety? It sounds like there may be other issues at hand as well.

Talk with your girlfriend and explain what's going on.. Tell her you think it may have something to do with her stripping again, and see what she suggests.

Thank you for the responses, all.

My biggest hang-up in all of this is this is currently our best option to give her a chance at a successful school life. The job doesn't stress her much and she can easily pay her way to her real career.

I'm not one to make decisions based on emotionality alone. I always think things through before making a big decision. Because of this I'm stuck with my mind telling me one thing and my varied organs telling me another.

The oogling bothers me. The lax security there bothers me. The drug use and prostitution (not an assumption, I know for a fact both go on heavily in that club and my girl does as well) bother me. But I don't want to tell her to give up everything she's working for and set herself back a few years financially.

I'm worried that if I weren't in such a financial bind that I would have already pulled plug. I'm afraid of my mother being sued for my student loans and losing her home. At this point I feel that I'm pimping my girlfriend out to pay my bills and no part of it feels right.

We both have medical issues and can not work multiple jobs. This job lets her make her own schedule and make as much as if she working 60-80 hours a week at a 'normal' job.

She has told me our relationship is more important in this situation than anything else. I love her; I don't want to compromise her goals and ambitions because I'm just bothered about her current job. We're trying to make a life together and her doing this will solve both of our financial crises and get us going.

I'm stuck.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a repeat of the OP. I appreciate all of the responses given so far. I just wanted to add a little detail and see what people have to think. My girlfriend and I are both reading all of these and discussing them.

ya know, there's more than one strip club she can work at.. find one with better security and not so much drug use etc..

Just as an aside:

If your absences are legitimate and documented, you need to fight that shit. Don't let your employer bully you around.

Regarding your girlfriend, you need to figure out if this is something you're truly comfortable with. If you can't be okay with her choice of career, then you need to sit down with her and be honest about the situation.

You're talking to the wrong people.

Exactly. She deserves to know how conflicted you're feeling between your emotions and your logic. It's her choice too, and she needs to be making an informed decision. Explain it to her just as you've explained it here, make it clear that you're not saying no, just trying to work it all out in your head, but discuss it with her.

I don't really see the average strip club patron as the kind who's going to tempt a girl on stage when she has a boyfriend.

Maybe so, but only because YOU have you stuck.

All this "don't want to set her back" stuff is very noble, but it's your justification for being stuck. You want to see the truth of how you're feeling? Watch yourself crap blood.

She's giving you the answer. Stripping is the easiest way to make money, but she's willing to do something harder. Your bloody shit says to take her up on the offer.

Anything more complicated than that is YOU having it be more complicated.

First of all, I have never been to a strip club where there wasn't touching. It always says "No touching", but there always is. That is a simple fact and you need to be realistic about that part.

Secondly, Martian is most likely incorrect about your medical absences being okay as long as they are documented. Many states are right to work states, and if you can not meet the requirements of your job description, you can be fired. It doesn't matter "why" you can't meet those requirements. Your only resort would be short-term disability, then FMLA.

Thirdly, and I mean this delicately because I don't know you or your situation and I don't mean the following to be overly harsh. Your girlfriend should not be paying your bills. Your mom should not be paying your bills. You are 25 years old. As long as she is single, your girlfriend has no moral obligation to pay your way through life and may choose not to do so at any time. Prepare for this fact because only you are responsible for them. Since your girlfriend has become your benefactor, you really have no basis to criticize, oppose, or worry about the manner in which she pays your bills. Rather than stress and worry over how she is paying your bills, pull yourself together and position yourself so that you are no longer a financial burden to your loved ones. Get your head on straight and work this through as a grown 25-year-old man. Go talk to your company and figure out how you can work together to keep you as an employee. Talking to them will go a long way towards keeping you on the payroll. If you apply for FMLA, they can't fire you and you get half of your salary. Get your body healed up. Get your mind straight towards what you need to do to be independent financially.

In the mean time, go give your girlfriend a big hug and thank her. Call your mom and thank her too. They are both sacrificing a lot for you.

Let's look at those student loan issues - what type of student loans are they exactly?
Are you still technically a dependent on your parents for tax purposes? If you're in the US, you shouldn't be dependent at your age unless your health issues are so bad that you've done the paperwork to give up some of those rights.

Have you spoken to your student loan officer about taking away your parents' responsibility by transferring them to your name alone?

Or were these Parent Plus loans? - there's no way to transfer those to your name, your parents are entirely responsible and you have no legal obligation to pay.

I wouldn't be cool with my girlfriend turning herself into an object to be purchased by the highest bidding cock either...

I have a girlfriend who works two part time jobs, goes to college, has the free time to go have fun with me or anyone else whenever she wants, and is well on her way to being very successful.

Guess what, she's not even selling her body a little bit. There are other ways to achieve life. Most of them won't make you shit blood...

Pull that plug.

Tell her not to do it. It'll wreck her and your relationship. Period.

Sorry I'm not reading the thread. But the title was enough to make me lol...

lol!

....waaaaaait a minute..."your" girl you say you love is heavily doing drugs and prostitution at a strip club?...you both have medical issues (why am i not surprised?)... you used mother for loans and now she might lose her home because you can't hold down a job to pay your bills...so your plan is to pimp out your girlfriend and use her for your crutch when she can barely pay for her schooling. Then you say, "it doesn't feel right"...duh!....wake up!!! no wonder you're "anonymous"...

....reread Cimarron's post (especially the 3rd paragraph)

...i'm out...bye.

Uhhh he was saying that he and his gf know about the drug use and prostitution that go on at the club... Not that she does it.

Step back, cool down, and re-read the words you quoted, Shell. I'm fairly certain that you misunderstood what the poster wrote. He meant that both he and his girlfriend know that shady things happen at that stripjoint, and they both want to stay out of danger.

I think he was saying that his GF knows about the hooking and drugging going on at the club. That being said, I do agree with the general sentiment of your reply.

...okay, thanks everyone...the quote is exactly what he said but perhaps i misunderstood what he meant. I apologize for the first line of my comment but the rest is factual.


:rose:

the quote is what he said, and while his grammar was lacking.. it's still pretty apparent what he was saying..

all that being said.. I don't see what the big deal about her being a stripper is? So fucking what? She's using her body to make old men have wet dreams and she's getting paid to do it. It's not like she's fucking these guys..

the problem here is the lack of communication and the shady operations of the club. Jealousy is starting to creep in and it's affecting the relationship..so basically, at this point, the OP needs to have a good long sit down with his girl and see what's really going on mentally in their relationship and make a decision. If they still decide that stripping will not harm the relationship, then they need to address working for a better club.

...it obviously wasn't all that apparent to me...i misunderstood...and i apologized.

...i've never even been in a strip club in my life so i'll refrain from adding my 2 cents since i'm clueless...over and out


:rose:

Some guys don't have a problem dating a girl who sells her body to other men. Obviously this fella' does.

I don't see a problem with a girl choosing to be a stripper. I just wouldn't feel comfortable dating one.

I have no problem whatsoever with stippers at all. In fact I love them. They make my life easy and fill me with hope. You, OP, however, do have a problem. If you love this girl you have to pull the plug on this shindig and your life as well.

I think shell has it right again in her post#19. In fact, clearer than may actually seem. The both of you have taken the easy way out and you need to stop. If you think you can handle it then by all means go to a strip joint that is more secure (although less cash I assume).

I totally understand it.. I was aiming more at the seemingly highbrow remarks that seemed to pop up in here.. people here the word stripper and automatically assume she's going to fuck for money or turn into a coke whore. There are plenty of whore strippers and there are plenty of strippers who only take the cash and keep everything professional.

would I feel comfortable.. eh.. I've dated strippers before but it wasn't a relationship that I was worried about losing.. so I can't really answer that the right way..

the only way for the OP to get an answer he wants is to discuss it with his girl. sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures.. this could be a months worth of stripping and she's done and nobody is any worse off..

I don't have anything moral about stripping. Honorable profession, as far as I'm concerned. Kinda wish I was equipped to do it. (EDIT: Who am I kidding? I'd never leave the house.)

My point is, if it's optional for her and makes him crap blood, I'd say finding her a gig at Kinkos instead is a no-brainer. I don't really understand the "stuckness" about it.

In brief, you have numerous issues causing stress in your life, and your GF stripping is a major issue, perhaps the one that pushed you over the edge.

First, get her to stop stripping. Second, figure out a way to get your financial situation under control. It won't be easy, but you need to do it for your mental & physical health.

... why did I just have a weird image of a high school guidance counselor saying something really wrong at a crucial moment?

UnclearContent: Sorry for speaking about you in the third person for much of this post...

Before people keep beating up on UnclearContent's financial situation, I'll just remind everyone that 1) we don't know the details, and certainly not what his medical issues are, and 2) medical bills are the number one cause of bankruptcy in the United States. It's not exactly fair to UnclearContent to assume he's been somehow irresponsible to end up in this situation. He clearly has medical issues that are complicating his personal and financial life, with student loans on top of it, at a time when they are the worst deal that they've been in a long time. Exploring the idea of his g/f stripping, when she's comfortable with it, is not the "easy way out." It's just one more job option, and one which they happen to know will provide a good income to address their financial needs. People do jobs all the time that aren't ideal, all in order to maximize profits, pay off debt, or what-have-you.

The issue here is not the financial situation - which could be what it is for a great number of legitimate reasons - or the idea of his girlfriend stripping - which is a perfectly legal job, and one which can in fact pay well and provide significant help to their situation. The issue is that UnclearContent is not communicating with his girlfriend about how the prospect of her stripping makes him feel.

Stripping may be a perfectly respectable job, but that doesn't mean it's a job that UnclearContent has to be comfortable with. Clearly, UnclearContent, you're very much uncomfortable with the idea of your girlfriend stripping, so it seems you need to explain to her how you feel, just as you've explained it here, and start brainstorming other ways to get out of your financial hardship.

Good luck.

Thank you all for the replies.

Shell, I did mean that my girlfriend and I both know about the drug slash prostitution. My grammar suffers when I'm falling asleep or waking, and both of my posts were basically written while half-conscious. My girlfriend doesn't engage in either the drugs or prostitution, both for moral and health reasons.

Since my financial situation is an issue I'll explain in more detail.

When I started college my father agreed to pay for it all. I had wanted to take a year or two off after graduating from high school to save up money but my father refused to pay anything if I did (yes, flat out refused to pay anything if I took so much as one semester off before starting college. He also told me he would have my health insurance cancelled if I took any time off). So I joined. After seven months my father was laid off of work and decided to take a few years away from corporate work due to burn-out. At this point I have zero income and a lot of bills to pay. So what did I do? Took out student loans. I went to school for another year on fiancial aid and student loans. At the end I realized that this had the potential to become a burden for both me and my mother. After some debate (and a lot of encouragement from my father) I joined the military.

I enrolled in split-option for the Army Reserves. I completed my basic training and was sent home. Within a month of returning I fell off my buddy's front porch and mangled my ankle. Two bone bruises and five sprains, all confirmed by MRI. Because of this I could not run or really exercise for about nine months. While I recovered I gained most of the weight I had lost in basic and by the time I was cleared to run I could not meet standard to go to AIT (second half of my military schooling).

I dropped out of school and worked overtime to cover my expenses. Over the next few months I saved up enough to go back to school for the spring. I joined the ROTC program and lost all of the weight and passed my PT exam. I turned this exam in to my sergeant and asked him to queue me for AIT. Instead, he lost my paperwork and never told me. I spent two months waiting for my orders to come in. At the end of the two months I received a notice for uncharacterized discharge due to PT failure.

I'm out of financial aid, and to keep the student loans from becoming due I have to stay in school. So I take out more loans. I get two full-time jobs and try to take classes that only require I attend the exams so I can just study at home. I work over 100 hours a week between two warehouses. About a month in I tear the medial miniscus in my right knee and am on crutches. I lose one job and the other job reduces my hours. A week later I am hit on the interstate by a kid who said his brakes just randomly locked up and lost control. Most of my injuries are in my lower back. Now I can't work and go on disability.

I'm barely supporting myself as my girlfriend hasn't been working during this time and I was the sole source of income. She finds a few part-time jobs and stays in school, but it's rough. About six months later I am having terrible vertigo, chronic sinus infections and am losing the sight in one eye. A CAT scan reveals a mass of nearly one inch in my brain. An angiogram shows it to be a brain aneurysm. I have the surgery to repair this. My monthly medical expenses are pretty high at this point.

I fully accept responsibility for my situation. A lot of bad choices and a run of bad luck. I love my girlfriend and I do not ask her for help with this. When we got together we had planned for me to work while she goes to school as she has a better shot at success than I do. Now I'm in a situation where I can barely pay for my own food and she's having to cover her education entirely on her own. She can't get financial aid because her parents make too much money. Her parents don't help her.

I want her to go to school. I want her to be successful. I want to get out of this mess. THAT'S why I don't want to tell her to quit a job that has this kind of money-making potential. She can't work two jobs or her immune system crashes. One job and school is still enough to send her over the edge most times.

This is why I'm stuck.

I just want to figure out if it's possible to accept this. If I can change my view-point. If not...I really don't know what I can do.

---------- Post added at 10:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:22 PM ----------

Xerxys -

I do have some emotional baggage, I believe. I'm not sure yet how to deal with it.

Manic_Skafe -

I have some issues coping with stress. Have since I was a kid. And, yes, shitting blood is unacceptable. I want to get this whole situation under control as quickly as possible.


Crompsin -

Hysterical.

And, no, I'm not really okay with it the situation.


Shell -

You may be right about the disrespectful oogling. I don't like the idea of anyone looking down on her.


Guccilvr -

I know she's not fucking these guys. I'm not really sure why I'm so bothered by this. I can't pinpoint anything.


SecretMethod -

EXACTLY!!! And thank you for the benefit of the doubt.


To all -

My girlfriend understands my feelings. My inablity to understand what exactly is bothering me is why she recommended I come to this forum. She's had a lot of success getting good advice from you all and thought you may be able to help me sort a few of these things out. I appreciate all of your time with this.

Thanks for the clarification UnclearContent (seriously, no pun intended!)..

I'm not sure if there's any advice that can be given to make you feel more comfortable with the idea of her stripping, especially if it upsets you as much as it does now. You certainly need to try and figure out what exactly is causing you to be so physically upset, otherwise there's no way to address the feeling. Are there other, more respectable strip clubs she could work at around where you are? Perhaps that would help?

morals.

'nuff said. (i summed this all up in three god-damned words)

I couldn't agree with the above more. You've got a good one, if she's willing to do this for you, or quit for you. It's obvious she doesn't really like the lifestyle since she had already quit it. Fix yourself up and get moving. Good luck

OP was made by my boyfriend.

For the recommendations that we talk about this, we have. In depth. For hours.

He's stuck, I'm worried about him. The thought of all of our bills coming crashing down around us right now has us both a bit hysterical. I'm not just doing this for his bills, I have some of my own as well, but I certainly will be paying for his bills.

I don't make as much money as the other girls because I won't take off my bottoms or allow anyone to touch my vagina. I don't want to do this job for very long, it isn't a career choice. I'm prepharmacy right now. I just got fired from my pharm tech contracting position after 2 weeks at the army hospital, I was out sick and my contractor told me they would call the base and let them know, but something happened with the communication and the hospital is blaming me, so I'm fired.

I wasn't expecting to be fired, had no money in savings.

My boyfriend and I both have anxiety and panic issues. Mine's more general anxiety and PTSD and he has OCD. I sometimes have panic about situations that don't require it, as does he. So, I was curious how his feelings would hold up after a few days.

Making the decision to work at the club took a few steps. The first was discussing it, he said that he would be okay with this idea, I told him that I wanted him to check out the club where I would work before he made a decision. Then, the next day, we went there and I talked to the owner, he said that he had a good feeling from the owners (they don't require me to take off my bottoms or do anything I'm uncomfortable with). Then, we went to buy an outfit for me, and after that was when he started having anxiety.

I told him that we didn't have to do it now that he was feeling differently, but he said that then we'd be out the money I spent on the costume, so I worked Fri and made the money back. Friday night he was very anxious and said he needed someone to talk to about this, so I suggested that he post here so he could get different viewpoints without having to tell his friends what I'm doing. I also told him that I'd take off Saturday and not work so he could have a break from worrying about me going in.

We told him mom what I was doing, she said that it's important that I not do this because I feel I can't do anything else or because I have to do it, and said that if that is the case we will all work 2 jobs. Unfortunately, that's not realistic. His mom has a lot of medical issues with her back, the last time OP worked 2 jobs, he blew his knee out and had to have surgery, I'm already in school and working 2 jobs with lupus and school would kill me, I can barely work 1 and not have to sleep 10 hours a night.

I'm doing this job temporarily to get us out of this hole. I didn't expect to get fired and he's about to lose his job, so I don't see any other options that give me cash daily pay without taxes taken out.

That being said, my relationship with him is very important to me. The past 2 years have been hell on everyone involved. If he needs me to quit, I'll quit. But he doesn't even know if I need to quit, because none of the choices have good outcomes. I don't do anything there that makes me uncomfortable, and so I don't feel that I'm disrespecting our relationship. I set my boundaries very high with the guidelines that he and I both outlined when we first discussed me working here.

I'm not sure where to proceed, because it pains me to see him this way. I have told him that if I don't see him getting used to the idea of me working here, or at least stop having massive stomach pains, i will have to quit. I'm not going to have him suppressing his emotions just to be okay with me doing something he isn't okay with. So yes, we've been open and honest with communication (where I've been able to force him to talk to me and not withdraw) every step of the way. I've certainly been open and honest about my motivations/boundaries/feelings with everything. This doesn't bother me to work here, but it bothers me that he's so upset.

He seemed better about it yesterday. I'm not sure what to make of that. I'm just waiting to see.

Yes, I understand that there will be guys hugging her, touching her arms/back/legs and that random guys will try to cop a feel.

Because my first three months were through temp agency my full year doesn't start until November and I do not qualify for FMLA.

My company has a revolving door policy towards it's employees. We have a near 70% turnover rate per year.

I thank them both, but will do it again.

---------- Post added at 08:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:05 AM ----------

She's explained this better than I did. She has been completely open with me about the whole thing. I'm not upset with her. I just can't figure out why I'm so upset about this. I want to deal with it so I can cope with the situation and drive on.

I'm just going to be honest here and say that right up until the brain aneurysm, all I read were a lot of excuses. The dog ate my homework. The only difference between your problems and everyone else's is that they are yours. You are letting life happen to you instead of happening to life. Everyone keeps saying your irritable bowel syndrome is due to your girlfriend stripping. It is more likely caused by the fact that you are not getting your shit together, and subconsciously, you know it. What seems like a big problem is really just a group of small problems clustered together. Let's get down to it:

Here's are some options

1) If you haven't already, get a medical deferrment for the Student Loans.
2) Sue the shit out of the driver that hit you. In most states, you have 3 years statute of limitations. Since you are 25, it seems the timeline fits within 3 years.
3) Start paying $10 / month on each medical bill. Medical offices will not sue you as long as you are "current" - meaning you pay something every month. Yes, I mean $10. After 5 to 10 years, the hospital will simply write off your debt and quit sending you bills. It happens all the time.
4) Apply for Social Security disability. This will require an attorney. S.S. will deny you at least twice before you are accepted. Keep trying.
5) Talk to your employer and get on track with them. Be honest and ask them how to get back to 40 hours. Set a plan. Your company may have an EAP that will get you some physical therapy for free.
6) Go see a counselor at the local clinic and get on an anti-depressant. Your hormones and chemicals are probably so out of whack that you might not be making rational decisions. You don't have to take it forever, just long enough to get everything straightened out.
7) Go outside and get exercise every day! Even if it is twice to the mailbox. Sunshine is your best fucking friend.
8) Before every shift, help your girlfriend get dressed and put on her makeup and hair. Get involved in her success and let her know she is supported.
9) After every shift, wake up and give your girlfriend a foot rub. She just wore the most uncomfortable shoes on the planet for 6 hours - for you.
10) Call your mom again. She's worried about you. Discuss your plan with her and ask her how you can help her.

You make solid points. I've been stuck in a depressed rut for about a year. I'm tired of letting everything happen and not making more effort. Thank you for your comments. Following responses:

1. I will try.
2. My lawyer has stopped taking my calls. He's been blowing me off for months. And I've already been told that if I switch lawyers I will be charged for all of the time he has spent on this case.
3. Good idea.
4. Do you really think I can get disability? If I could receive it long enough to get through college that would be amazing.
5. I work 40 hours, but my company is not too happy with me. I found out that they have been encouraging us to break the law the entire time I've worked there and I made a fuss about it to a manager. I'm about to be fired for breaking their new attendance policy that no longer excuses medical absences. They don't really care about the employees. I'm sending out resumes to try to get into something a little more employee friendly.
6. I'm freaked out about anti-depressants and I don't really trust the mental health care community at large.
7. Until the mono bout I was exercising three to five times a week, and at least once a month hiking in the park for a few hours.
8. The make-up idea is cute. I may have to try that.
9. I do rub her feet at night.
10. I talk to my mother at least three times a week.

have you paid your lawyer recently? they tend to ignore people when they stop paying.

you could always just go to his office before court one morning and see what's up.

Lawyer doesn't get paid until the case is settled. I think that may be the problem, that he doesn't see enough of a return to warrant spending any more time.

His secretary plays interference. They won't let me back without an appointment. I've considered just staying in the waiting room until he pops out for lunch.

well he has to tell you something.. if you've already paid a retainer fee then he should at least give you an update on where he thinks your case is going. If he doesn't, then get another lawyer and don't pay based on the fact that you had bad council. :shrug:

I see now we've been answering the question "what should I do", when you're asking the question "why is this upsetting me so much?". My apologies on all our behalf--there's no quicker way to drive somebody nuts than to answer some question other than the one they asked.

What's funny about this is that your mouth and your stomach are saying different things. One of two things must be happening.

First (and I think most likely): My general feeling about this is that we SAY all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons, but there are ways we communicate (like, what we do, where we go, and what happens with us physically) that reveal how things really are for us. Sucking it up and "being okay with it" is noble and looks supportive, which we think of as a good thing, and our interest in being good sometimes overwhelms our willingness to really say how it is for us. So that's one possibility.

The other possibility is, you've got something going on physically that has nothing to do with the situation, and you're attributing it to being upset about her current line of work. If it really is like, "I'm fine with it, I went and checked it out and I'm comfortable with it, I trust her completely, and yet my physical symptoms seem to say otherwise", then one possibility is that you've got physical symptoms for some entirely other reason, and you're the one drawing the "because" connection there.

I don't know anything about your particular circumstances, obviously, but I think if you follow whichever of these proposals seems to speak to you to its logical conclusion, you'll get some clarity on the "why" question.

Exactly. I haven't been thinking too clearly the past few days and I probably haven't communicated my problem here very well.

I'm making solid effort to resolve my situation. Getting life back on track, etc. I don't need anyone to hold my hand; I just wrote out my life story so that people would have some understanding of where I'm coming from with this whole thing.

Yes, I just want to know why I'm so bothered by this.

I'm fairly stressed most of the time. It may be that this isn't having as much effect on me as I'm attributing from my symptoms. But it seems like I feel a lot worse whenever I'm taking her to the club or picking her up, and I start feeling sick when I see her change into her costume. I'm just not sure what specifically is bothering me. I feel like I'm blocked and not seeing what's really bothering me, but I have no clue to how to get through it.

maybe what's blocking you is the fact that you thought you were the last one who would ever get to see her naked.. and now that image in your head is shattered..the innocence is seemingly lost now..

That's...entirely possible. How would I get around that, do you think?

1) Call your lawyer today and tell him that if you do not receive a call back from him by COB tomorrow, your NEW lawyer will be suing him for malpractice/bad faith. You will be called back. Tell him you want the case settled by Friday COB or your NEW lawyer....
2) Is your lawyer attributing your brain injury to the accident? Did you suffer a head impact during the accident?
3) Your bloody stools are mostlikely from an untreated stomach ulcer (based on your mental health accessment) or hemorroids.
4) Frankly, you have too much going on NOT to trust a mental health expert. With all of your physical and emotional issues, you have got to seek treatment or things will never turn around. Your body is simply the car that your soul drives around. Your mind can break, just like your knee. When it does, have the good sense to take it to the shop. It isn't a stigma, it's common sense.
5) Now is not the time to grow a sense of morality with regards to work. Unless they are poisoning the drinking water at daycares, suck it up and be a team player until you can get to another job. It isn't that hard to pretend for a little while.
6) Go hug your girlfriend again, but this one's from me. She's a keeper.

Dude, you aren't far off from getting on track and you have so much going for you with a loving girlfriend and mother. Draw on each other's strengths, but you have to seek self improvement. Again, break each thing down into small tasks and tackle them one by one. Don't let your mind wander to what you can not control. Practice mental discipline within yourself. Don't let your girlfriend sit around and worry outloud, and have her hold you to the same standard. Engage in constructive conversations - "it is what it is, now what are we going to do to fix it." Write down your gameplan and refer back to it when you start feeling overwhelmed. Each problem is on a separate page - each page has separate steps. If something is overwhelming, refer only to THAT page and remember you have a plan for fixing that.

---------- Post added at 01:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:37 PM ----------

Accept that fact that you are not - quite simply.

---------- Post added at 01:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:47 PM ----------

Heh, now I know what the Quick reply does. Again, you must accept the fact that you are not the last person to see your girlfriend naked. You are, however, the last person to see your girlfriend naked EVERY night!:thumbsup:

accept that fact that you're the last (hopefully) person that gets to fuck your girl every night or sleep beside her. those chumps waving singles don't have a chance.

1. You're right. It's time to make sure he lives up to his side of this.
2. My doctor said there's not enough evidence to link the two. Said it's fairly likely, but I don't think he'd testify for me in court.
3. Neither, unless one has started recently.
4. I'm against long-term medication. I disagree with most members of the mental health care field. I am going to school for psychology. A lot of the advice given is quoted from half-remembered college texts and not from any real experience or understanding of the situation. When I see the crack-pot advice given to friends and family who visit these "professionals" I really worry about their patients. These people have the ability to suspend my rights (at least on a temporary basis) and I will NOT hand the keys to my freedom to some kid who skated his/her way through college on his/her parent's dime and does not understand what it's like to be in my situation.
5. My morals aren't as big a concern here. In my line of work I am personally liable for any infractions of the law, up to $1000.00 per infraction. I commit 100-200 of these infractions daily by order of management.
6. I will, and thank you.

I believe it's time to start making the effort. I really like the page per problem approach and will give that a try this evening. Thank you for the vote of confidence.


Just awesome.

Great point.

So here's a crazy suggestion....

People in general, and America specifically, have been ingrained with crazy ideas about the human body and how "special" it is. If your girlfriend is going to be working as a stripper, you obviously need to learn to be comfortable with the idea that viewing and appreciating the human body is not a big deal. I don't know where in the country you're located, but take a look at this list and see if there's anything relatively near where you are: List of social nudity places in North America - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. If you can somehow manage it, go hang out topless or naked with your girlfriend, in the presence of others who are doing the same. At first, you'll probably feel uncomfortable, and even nervous, but stay, relax, and eventually you'll ease into it, and into the idea that it's OK for other people to see your girlfriend's body. If you can't manage to find a place to do this, look at lots of nude art, I dunno... just try to think of things that will help decouple the viewing of the naked human form from sex.

Yes, at a strip club it's different - it is absolutely sexual - but I think the heart of most people's problem with a strip club, especially for a guy who trusts his girlfriend, is the idea that viewing someone's naked body is special and somehow reserved. Learn to realize that someone else seeing your girlfriend naked has nothing to do with how special your relationship is with her, and maybe you'll find yourself a lot more comfortable with the idea.

Of course, I could be entirely wrong. Just some thoughts off the top of my head!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why you haven't taken your mother's name off your student loans. If you go bankrupt in the midst of this mess (and that's a huge if), you don't want your mother's life to be affected. You can and should take full responsibility for your debt. Since you're considering speaking to someone about your student loans so you can defer for medical reasons, you should also consider freeing your mother by transferring the loans entirely to your name.

This is what I'd call dancing in the rain. Life is pouring down buckets of nastiness, time to figure out how to wade through it.

Developing a system can't hurt. I tend to break things down as well - "this is what I need to do today." When that's too intimidating, I break it down even
further, "This is my sole responsibility for the next 15 minutes." It'll shock you what you can get done in a day when you take it a quarter-hour at a time. Before you start the next step, ask yourself not if you can get through the rest of the list of things to do for the day - instead figure out if you can get through the next fifteen minutes.

I tend to the idea that you're feeling sick not because your beautiful girlfriend is showing off to other men for cash, but rather you're bothered by the whole idea that she has to. You're a strong man, or you always have been until this crazy string of events - you feel you should protect those you love from potentially harmful environments, rather than supporting them as they enter them on a near-daily basis. It has to be difficult. It may not become easier over time. But you may be better able to handle the difficult nature of the emotions involved as you work through them.

I'm not about to recommend professional psychological help simply because I have no idea what financial burden it might entail. I will say, though, that I have a couple of chronically ill friends (epilepsy, lymes) who have benefited from their sessions. Being able to understand their physical limitations, picking up on their body's signals when they've over-worked before an injury results, and coping with the fact that they really can't do everything they once could -- these are the things they have learned through the help of professionals.

Again, and with all due respect, I'm hearing a lot of excuses here. Yes, there are quacks, but you aren't in it for the advice. you are in it to get your hormones and chemicals back in balance - that what the (for example) Wellbutrin is for. I have known two chronically depressed people in life. Both said "It won't work for me" or "I've tried that, it doesn't work". Blah, blah, blah. Both medicated in less productive ways, and both are now dead. Don't deny yourself the help you (may) need over some misplaced principle.

If it is a taxation infraction (rather than a health/safety one), I would turn them in to the IRS. There is HUGE money in IRS whistle blowing...

And your "advice" was so much more useful? :no:

This sounds right.


This sounds right, too.


I'm guessing there are multiple issues I'm facing here, rather than one, easily defined problem.

I've spent time watching her work at the club. What she does for others is not really her. It's an act, and not even all that sexual. What she does for me is really her. But I wonder if I do feel that some of things I considered 'special' between us are being trespassed on and this is what is bothering me.

And, yes, I am deeply bothered by her having to work at all for me. I always liked supporting her and I guess I don't really enjoy her working and me not. But to have her do THIS to support ME?

And, genuinegirly, how in the world do I get the loans out of her name? I didn't think this was possible unless I was approved independently for the loans, which my credit wouldn't allow. If you know some way I could get these transfered to me, solely, it would relieve an enormous burden.

---------- Post added at 12:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:45 PM ----------


It's not taxation or I would take your advice on that one.

I don't want to medicate. I've tried Seroquel before and the numbness was...horrible. I spent the entire time laying on my bed and praying for it to be over. I've always seen medication as a temporary fix to allow more productive therapy or allow time for a person to cope. Because a lot of my problems are situational I don't want to risk permanent alteration of my neurochemistry (or personality) to solve this. I just need to get things in order.

Again, though, I appreciate your input.

There's no way of knowing whether you can get them out of her name. It's a function of you getting a loan to cover the loans. That would require you to qualify for those loans. That's a function of debt/income ratio and your credit rating.

Incidentally, how much in student loans are we talking, here? ...and are you "current" on the loans?

First I need to know what kind of student loans you have taken out. Are they federal student loans or private student loans? Did you arrange them through your student financial aid office or did you take them out through a bank?

Are they...

Federal Direct loans
Stafford student loans
Perkins student loans
PLUS loans
or are they private student loans

Each of these have different procedures. If you arranged your loans through your school's financial aid office, the process should be easier than Cimarron makes it out to be. It would require setting up an appointment and talking to them about it. PLUS loans cannot be placed in your name - they're all your parents' responsibility no matter what.

Since you talk about your credit score being a factor in choosing to have your mother's name on the loans, it seems more likely that you chose to go with private student loans. These are not something I've dealt with so I'm afraid I have little advice on the details.

Stafford, Perkins and Private.

30,000.00

I had, in my military contract, 20,000.00 in student loan repayment. My bonus was supposed to be 7,000.00. This would have pretty much covered my loans. Now, though, not so good of shape.

I just paid off an 8,000.00 credit card, and to do so my student loans went behind. Getting those current is my current priority.

Stafford and Perkins loans can be deferred for up to three years due to unemployment, financial hardship, or disability. Or you can apply for forbearance if you aren't qualified for deferment. You apply for these by contacting your loan servicer.

Stafford and Perkins loans, from what I understand, are in your name alone. Your parents should not be impacted by these loans.

The private loans are a whole different ballgame.

They wouldn't release my student loans until my mother turned in a signature sheet. If the student loans are not in her name then I can focus on the private and clear her name. How would I find out for sure?

You can find out for sure by contacting the financial aid office at the school you attended when you received the loans.

Just as an aside, I find Stafford loans EXTREMELY sexual. Hence, this talk about loan repayment isn't technically a forum-jack.

Yeah, you need to "break them up" as to which ones are on your mom's name and which ones aren't. Sometimes these things come lumped to you on one statement, but are actually separate loans. See if you can get them to break up the loans (really just a matter of sending you multiple invoices rather than one invoice). That way, you can snow-ball the one has your mom's name on it, and go minimum payment or do deference on the others until it's paid off.

The loans your mom cosigned for will show on her credit report. Does she have a recent one?

Dude, if you just killed an $8K credit card, YOU KICK ASS! I gain more respect for you post by post. You've got moxy!. As you pay off, from here on out, be certain to stay current with the others or it's all for not.

I think with stafford's as long as you pay $50/month then you are good to go..