An interesting problem regarding oral sex
 

So my problem isn't necessarily a problem, but it has become something of a bother to me as of late. I've been with my fiancee for a little over 3 years now, and in that time, she has never given me straight oral, start to finish. What ends up happening is she will give me oral for a few minutes and then its straight to sex. Now, I love sex as much as anyone, but sometimes I would love an all oral(giving and receiving of course) session instead of it always leading into sex. Plus, there isn't enough time for a full blown sex session. Oral would fit the bill, but she always ends up passing.

What bothers me is that I've discussed this with her numerous times. And it's not that I just want to receive, I would be more than happy to do it to her. I've even offered to go down on just her with no expectation of her doing anything to me. She would always seem good with the idea, but that excitement would fizzle out when the time came.

I don't know, its a weird issue, but something that is becoming concerning. Not so much the oral sex part, but more the communication end of it.

What do you all think about this? Is it an area of concern? Any advice? Thanks all.

It is interesting that you mention the communication part of it. How is your communication in your relationship (aside from this issue)? We don't really have a lot to go on here - ie. her views on sexuality (prudish?, open?, experimental?, etc.)

Communication is pretty good in other areas and we have had some pretty deep talks about sex regarding things that we like, don't like, want to do etc. recently. She is definitely not prudish and is open to trying different things. Or at least that is what she says. Lately I've been having a hard time believing it. I just don't know anymore. I'll ask her why and she never has a legit reason to give me. It always ends up with her saying "What do I get out of it?" And that is even with me wanting and telling her I would be more than happy than reciprocating. So I really don't know much anymore. And it has always been like this and I have brought it up many times and it always ends up going the same way.

Well, my first instinct would be to say that she does not enjoy performing oral sex for one reason or another. If even the promise of reciprocity is not enough to encourage her, then there is a reasonably profound reason she turns it down.

My g/f is sort of in the same boat but claims to enjoy performing oral sex, however, has yet to complete the act - much the same as you described. Turns out she is just a selfish lover. Now to see if we can rectify that :).

I guess people have different views and different things they want and feel into doing sexually. If as a couple you love each other but dont have the same feelings exactly, all you can do is talk about it frankly and then come to terms which each others position or not.

^^

(This space resetrved for crompsin's signature: SELLOUT)

Communication and patience is the only thing that will really resolve this situation. I know you say you communicate but maybe she is not ready to tell you exactly why oral sex bothers her. Just let her know that you are there for her and that whatever it is it will not make you love her any less. Maybe she just really doesn't like to give oral sex for whatever reason and she doesn't know what you will think of her. Me and my husband had issues with the same thing well not exactly. I love to give oral sex, even more then intercourse. But I have issues with him wanting to give me oral sex. I don't understand the appeal, I think it is gross and I don't know why I wont get over it. I mean I thought he would be glad that I didn't want him to do it in return. Well it was something we just needed to talk out, when I was ready. So that is the only advice I have to give. Hope it helps

What does she get out of it? She gets the pride of accomplishment of making the man she loves feel good....least thats one of the reasons I give bjs

id dump her and find someone who is into the same stuff you are.

then again, i am alone and havnt been with a woman for quite awhile because i can't seem to get one, so take that into consideration when you think about my solution.

but really...dump her and find someone who is into the same stuff you are.

let me explain why:

you will tell yourself it's no big deal, you will just get over it.

one day you will meet a chick somewhere who tells you she LOVES to suck cock and eat cum and would love to suck YOUR cock and eat YOUR cum. this is what youve always wanted and you think you are entitled, so you get the blowjob.

then you feel guilty (or maybe you don't, because you've rationalized your infidelity) and are now a guy who cheats on his wife. you tell her, or you don't, and she finds out anyway because she will, and a fight starts and its an ugly mess and she will never trust you again etc etc etc. continue slippery slope until you hit the end.

say its far fetched, say "it won't happen to me. " i would put money on it.

so tell your fiance to blow you or you dump her. say it nicely, but give her the ultimatum. if it bothers you now, it will bother you more in five, ten , fifteen years. seriously.

From what I've read in your two posts, your fiance is not open to trying different things. I would think after three years together the two of you would've already tried at least a few things other than limited oral foreplay and straight-up sex. It sounds as though it will be very difficult to get her to open up more, and you might have to decide if you're willing to settle for straight-up sex only.

Sexual problems are always due to lack of communication and/or understanding.

I don't know why you don't straight out ask her. Hey remember when we discussed how I'd really love you to suck me to climax? What's up? Are you afraid of anything? Is it something I'm doing or not doing? Help her help you.

Also, it wasn't clear but -- are you performing oral sex simultaneously? Some of us :8 are easily distracted and can't go with 69 unless I've had at least one orgasm or unless he's willing to wait. Just a thought.

I'm with Squeeb-o-rama minus the blatantly immature ultimatum. Real Adult Relationships (TM) occupy a wide slice of time and involve a lot of personal investment of emotions and money... they're not a single events that you can "Y/N?" and walk away from without being a total asswipe. It comes down to "loving them" or having bought a ridiculously expensive deluxe Swedish memory foam sleep surface you don't want to lose when you break up.

As a former asswipe, I have a little experience in such matters so I'll try to lend whatever dry cough of perspective I may have:

I'm not going to guess your age, but I'll say late 20s just to illustrate a point (but most likely not):

If you've been with someone for three years of sexy stuff (Endless Repetition) and haven't convinced them to do something as sexually ubiquitous as roll with a beej 'til completion... it isn't going to happen unless there is serious Blunt Force Trauma involved. You're either not being assertive enough with the communication or you're desiring something out of their comfort range or interest. You can remedy the communication issue easy enough... write them a letter. About swallowing. How hot it is, how much you like it, and how much you want them to do it for you. You may be surprised.

If you're not having your sexual "needs" fulfilled in your relationship, you need to really reevaluate the situation. You're getting married... do you want to long for a girl that'll gulp down copious amounts of baby batter for the rest of your life (or, more likely, divorce after 11 months)? Basic answer: No.

Regret and desire... these things suck. Turns out you've gotta dig for that gem that's great in the kitchen and doesn't mind a thumb in her ass while you drip candle wax on the small of her back. Or whatever mental happy meal you usually order late at night when it's all about you in dreamland.

100% sexual compatibility isn't required for a healthy, long lasting relationship... but anything that makes you feel like you're not getting what you want is a great way to rot your relationship from the inside out. It may lead to infidelity (that seems utterly ridiculously to me, but hey), but most likely will lead to furious masturbation and sexual long-heavy-sigh angst. You know, the kind that you let out at night in bed with her because you're not getting what you want but you're too Nice Guy to grab her by the throat, tell her how much you want her, and make her beg for you to do whatever you want.

We can live without a lot of things... but why?

"If it makes you happy..."

I'm going to have to hop on squeeeb-o's bandwagon...

You're bothered by this, at least a little. If it bothers you, that means it's something you need to be happy. i.e. If you didn't, it wouldn't bother you. Fact is, she won't give this to you, and isn't even capable of maturely addressing and handling the problem. Another fact is, there's a girl out there that will handle this for you.

Jump ship and get it handled, man....

THIS. Right here. I'd imagine you're relatively older if you've had a 3 year relationship and have a fiance. From my experience, relationships are never perfect, everyone has their strong points and their weak points. In this instance, the refusal to give a complete BJ shouldn't become a deal breaker. Simply put, in my calculus of relationships the refusal suck u off = 1 pt in the negative bin. However, all the other reasons (I mean, u proposed to her right?) should outweigh this.

Could it possibly be some sort of fear of commitment that's manifesting itself in another form?

Maybe. One day you can take her to an expensive seafood (or pineapple, kekeke) dinner and see if she'd commit to it. Hope this post helped! :)

I like the pineapple reference. I had a girlfriend that loved to extract my tropical-flavored essence after she jammed me full of the stuff and waited a few hours.

Crompsin, I totally forgive your dislike of Tubgirl cereal after your most excellent post.....Right Fuckin' On the money!!!!!

Of course, it hits the nail on the head for a few items of my own. Ahem.

It's true, brother.

My father taught me You Can't Change People.

My personal experience has taught me You Can't Change a Woman's Sex Habits.

...

If you're Amish, don't bed a freak. But if you're a freak, you gotta find a freak.

It isn't hard. 50% or so of the Major Relationships (TM) I've had were with women that were sufficiently freaky for me.

Obviously it takes time to get into the freaky zone, but don't invest years for the reasons I mentioned above.

I was typing something about communication, then I realized Jewels already said what I was trying to convey.

She needs to tell you what's up.

If she just gets too excited and therefore jumps into intercourse, well then, that's kind of exciting isn't it? Talking about this more sounds like an entirely productive way to go.

You probably should move on, she's just not going to give you the head you so desperately want. Mark my words, even though she will never do it for you, as soon as you leave her, she'll do it for the next guy. Been there, done that.

communication is the only way to go, a blowjob isn't really that big of a deal is it? They feel good and all but is it really worth pushing the issue if it's something that bothers her?

YES

and

YES.

Whoa, it's me from July 2007! C'mon, bro... ya can't think about stuff like that. It destroys the magic of what you shared during the time you had.

Thanks for the replies everyone. This week hasn't helped the situation at all. We were sitting on the couch talking about sex, but we were out of condoms, so I suggested other ways of pleasing each other. She looks me in the eyes after I say that, knowing full well I was referring to oral, and says "What do I get out of it?" That comment right there made me slam my brakes on. Before she even said that I made it clear I wasn't just talking about her going down on me. I can deduce from that statement that she doesn't really enjoy giving oral for the simple fact that the pleasure isn't happening to us both at the same time. Since then, its kind of stuck with me and has started making me question whether or not we are truly sexually compatible. We were fine when we first met as we were younger and still figuring ourselves out sexually, but its becoming more apparent that something in the bedroom isn't clicking anymore.

The question that is now raised is if everything in the relationship works and is good with the exception of sex, do you stay and try and work through it, or is it truly a valid reason to leave? I love her to death and I can't imagine being with someone else, but this whole sex thing just has me concerned. We've been together 3 years, I don't want to imagine where we could be in the bedroom in 10. I feel as if I have told her what I want and need to feel satisfied and that it is not asking a lot at all, and its starting to feel as if its going in one ear and out the other.

I know she gets too excited for sure, but like I said, I love that what I do makes her that excited so fast, but sometimes intercourse isn't everything you know?

Sounds like she is extremely selfish (sexually) - does this extend into other parts of her life? Is she an only-child?

I would imagine that some day you will find a really attractive woman who would be more than happy to give you oral sex .. the question is: are you still unsatisfied by your partner?

Sex for many people is extremely important in a relationship. It is one of the very few things that separates you from really really close friends and lovers ;). You tell us how important sex is to you...

She is an only child and can be fairly selfish at times, but nothing I've ever really taken as anything to bad

Sex to me is very important. I've explained to her that sex is much more than a good feeling, its that extreme love connection. And she always tells me she wants sex all that, but thats just it, all she wants is intercourse. But even than, the amount of that is fairly lacking and its become so routine at this point. I've tried to introduce new things, positions, etc. and she seems all gung ho for it and then nothing.

Its just hard to consider the possibility of leaving someone because of sexual chemistry. I've never been in this predicament before.

I am not surprised to hear that she is an only child - in my experience, they seem to be (on average - yes I am generalizing) more selfish sexually than women w/ siblings.

I have a feeling that this is going to haunt you. I've been there once. Regardless of how little you think this bothers you, feeling unfulfilled often results in small, insignificant issues being blown out of proportion as a manifestation of frustration from another root cause (ie. sexual tension).

It's all about the balance. Do you stay or do you go.

Advantage of up and leaving: You get the chance of finding a woman who has the qualities she lacks (will give you head). Disadvantages: Said woman may be lacking even more crucial attributes that present gf has and you take for granted, or it may take a long time to find the woman if you have a several page long list of required attributes that this woman meets, minus one.

Sex is important, but us homo sapiens have a way of taking a single sex issue and blowing it up huge if they don't get their way. So far, it seems this is the only concrete sex issue you have. You've said she's adventurous and willing to try everything else out to spice up your sex life (though it seems you are taking the initiative). If this is so, assume she will never change on her blowjob habits (since she's pretty much said that). So now you're in a pickle: if this single sex issue is worth less to you than the convenience of staying with this girl and not hunting for a new one, let it go. If it's MORE important, drop her like it's hot.

Actually, it sounds to me that she isn't big into RECEIVING it, and wants to know what she's going to get minus oral. I really don't think it has much to do with her giving. I would do the same thing if I wasn't feeling especially randy and wanted to make sure I got something. But, I would also make it known that I wasn't that into receiving.

So, what do you do?

Browse some sex sites, maybe some porn if you can. Find some ways that you can please her without going down on her. You may even look into some toys. Experimentation is key here because it seems like maybe you guys haven't fully found yourselves (sexually). Then, next time you are without condoms (or you just want to play), start on her with something you have found that seems like it may work for you guys. Get her excited and then see about the oral. You can (in a more teasing tone, it works better) prohibit her from jumping to the sex.

Besides, even if you don't get the oral, I can almost guarantee that all the new foreplay will make the sex pretty fucking awesome.

I will say...when I was younger I really didn't *get* how important sex was to men. I also wasn't that into giving oral. As I got older, I realized that sex is how most men show affection in a long-term relationship. It's how they bond, de-stress, re-connect, etc. Somewhere after 6-7 years of marriage, I made it a point to make an effort with sex. I learned to love giving oral. I initiated as often as he did.

But it took me *years* to get to that point.

It wasn't that I was selfish, I really just didn't know.

If this issue is getting to the point where you're seriously contemplating ending the relationship over it, then that's a communication problem. I can't see a woman who loves her partner not being willing to reach out a bit more to save the relationship. If she decides that what you're asking is too much, better to know now. But she also needs to know how serious this is so she can react accordingly.

Sometimes people think, or want to think, that they're into things they're really not. Sometimes people say they're into things they're not in order to be appealing to someone. It could just be that oral isn't her thing. It's not for everyone - it may not so much bother her as just be something she has no interest in doing. Is it giving oral, receiving it, or both that are the bother? If you guys are talking about this, what bothers her about it?

Bigger question: does she, in fact, like sex with you?

You're doubting that from her actions that she wants to try things. What's behavior telling you? Is she giving off the "icky!" vibe on the topic of oral? Are you guys doing any other sex play outside the "plain old vanilla"? If you're trying different things, I would expect oral to be in the first set of things to try. You've been with this girl three years - is this an aberration or have you taken three years to get to a frustration point?

And... what does she get out of it? What can you offer to her that might sweeten the deal? I'm not suggesting keeping an accounting ledger of sexual favors, but if a blowjob is your monkey butter, then what would make her like the idea a little more? What's her monkey butter?

All chips down: how big of an issue is this to you? Any other collateral effects of a (potentially) selfish personality aside, is oral sex a dealbreaker for you in a long term relationship? How much of an argument or relationship risk will you go through for a blowjob? I know, a blowjob is a nice 'cherry on top' of many situations, but if it's in the list of things you need to be true for your satisfaction, own that fact. And it you do have to have that in the sex life for you to be satisfied with it, you owe it to a potential spouse to let them know. After all, if it's on your gotta-have list, your spouse will end up doing it, or you'll end up resenting her for not, or you'll have to deal with the question of finding it elsewhere.

Monkey butter. hehe. Did you come up with that or is that idiom from a place I have GOT to move to?

Can't recall where I picked that up. Can't decide if it sounds horrifying or delightful.

I'm not assigning a connotation yet. Just love the phrase.

Yeah... Take what you can get as long as it's good.

Looking back at over a quarter of a century with my wife, I can't recall one time we had a start to finish oral session. And I'm OK with it because we've had some mind blowing sex. In fact we still do.

I'll second rangerjoe's theory. Does she like to be fingered, what about toys? If she's feeling like there's nothing in it for her, maybe you could use a vibrator on her while she gives you a blowjob? Maybe surprise her with a vibrator one day, it can be simple like a bullet for her clitoris, or even something complex like a rabbit for penetration and clitoral stimulation. If she doesn't want you to use it on her, maybe she would like to use it, herself, while she sucks on you.

Also, how long would it take you to climax from oral? Maybe she gets tired jaw muscles or something and normally initiates sex when her mouth is tired. My boyfriend can take up to 30min sometimes to get off from oral (especially if he's masturbated recently), and I'll admit that my mouth gets tired sometimes. If I don't feel like spending all of that time, what I'll often do is to ask him to jack off for a few minutes first, or even the whole time, while I suck on him. Not as satisfying, I'm sure, but it's something.

Third possibility, is she doesn't like the taste of cum. Just knowing that my guy doesn't care if I spit it out is enough for me to get over that.

Just a little tongue in cheek :lol:

Yeah, bullshit.

I know a cracked reactor when I see one. Love gets us all... especially when it equates to being able to detonate the old Bangalore in her mouthhole.

Sex play: We like to be the first, the only, or at least the first and only at the time.

could it be that she doesn't want semen in her mouth? just ask her

No really, I was channeling my little brother. He's messed up so many relationships and gotten mad at all his exes that it's almost funny. This one girl wanted to save herself for marriage, but would give him bjs all he wanted. Kind of the opposite problem of the OP. He got mad and kept yelling at her, so she left his sorry ass. Then after wards, every time he thought about her, he'd say how she was fucking this guy or that one. I thought he was nuts, she was quite a good catch...... ( wabba wabba )

I'm a lot less bitter than that. I hope. I love all my exes, and I especially love them "over there" heh

its a! abut fuck

sounds selfish and childish and it's sad, but it's true. its a great reason to leave someone.

some people, both male and female, are not as sexual as others. some don't care how often or what they get sexually.

you appear to be concerned about oral, and it's a totally valid concern.

understand the psychology behind oral. it's a submissive act, it involves control and takes trust. she might not like the submissive feeling, she might not like the loss of control (although in reality, she is in control, but people don't see it that way).

seriously, if it bothers you now, it's still gonna bother you years down the road.

sexual chemistry is an important part of a relationship, we are humans, we are sexual beings no matter how much we want to deny it and think we are above such base cravings. we eat, we shit, we fuck, we sleep. take one of these away and we are bothered and don't feel right.

dump her (gently and nicely) and move on.

Shell, Whats liquor, do you mean, lick-her? Cause I think they didn't do that either in the victorian times. :p

1) Sex is important. You both fullfilling each other's sexual needs is critical to a healthy relationship.

2) Communication is important. You two need to speak openly, respectfully and honestly with each other.

3) Women and men can change their sex habits. They just need to agree to try things at the edge of their comfortablity without going over it and know they are safe. You can't violate the trust between you when doing this and agree on what the two of you arwe going to do before doing it. Otherwise, the sexual boundries are more open then you realize. You both are assuming to much.

With all of that, here is what I would do if I were you:

1) Give her oral pleasure first, completely unselfishly. Please her, pay attention to her responses, make sure to start easy and becareful of how sensative her clitorus, vulva and labia are. Use lots of foreplay and leave your cock out of it until you have sent her up the walls. Make her cum as much as she can. Then after wards, ask for her to do the same to you.

2) Do mutual masturbation. Get a blanket (or not) sit on the couch watch a movie, and start playing with each other's lower bits under the blanket. Purposfully do not have sex, get each other off without intercourse.

3) Use a vibrator on her.

4) Mix the sex up. Do different positions, do mix ups of oral and intercourse. Go down on her before and after you've been in her but before cumming. Allow sex to blur the lines between your bodies and the pleasure you give and recieve.

5) As said above, do 69.

6) Watch Porn together. Have her tell you what is arousing to her. Let her lead. Allow her to get turned on by the girls and guys in the porn. You don't focus on the girls directly to avoid upsetting her at first, just the acts the men and women are doing together. Then when she likes something they are doing, you and her do it. Basically, let her see how good sex can really be. Amature porn from the internet is likely better for this cause.

7) Share your sexual fantasies. Tell her you want to hear about her dirty secrets and what really turns her on. Let her talk about anything and don't get jealous. Make it safe to encourage her sexuality to come out. Tell her how sexy she is and how much her getting naughty with you turns you on and makes you want her more.

Basically, instead of over talking it. Find ways to take your actions into steps towards your goals. When the time is right, have open communication about it. help her find the value through actions in what sex can be. You allow your sexual boundries and skill in pleasuring her to grow too. The problems in the bedroom are two sided.

Good luck.

---------- Post added at 02:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:37 AM ----------

Oh, one more thing. Tell her you won't cum in her mouth until she is ready for you too. If she doesn't want you to, ask if she is willing to work towards it. If she is then do it in steps, like her licking cum off your cock or you cumming on her and her wipping it off and licking it. If she doesn't want you to cum in her mouth, then respect that and put the cum where you and her agree it should go. At least you will be getting the majority of a blowjob.

Keep talking, sir! We'll find you!

Perhaps she is thinking that you are the selfish one, hence, her remark about what she gets out of it.

But seriously, if you can't come to mutually-acceptable terms with her on this issue, and it's something you really want, you are better off to move on and find someone who can do this without equivocation or hesitation. Those women are out there!!

For some reason, this particular woman is hesitant to do what obviously is important and pleasureable for you. And that is significant. If it isn't important to her to please you in the way you enjoy being pleased or otherwise arrive at some mutually-agreeable solution, then you do need to move on.

But you also need to ask yourself (and her) if you are somehow turning her off in the process of giving you oral sex. Some women don't like to have their head held or forced down with your hand; others have had a bad experience with a previous partner (or perhaps a perpetrator); others have a strong gag-reflex; some don't want to swallow your semen; etc., etc.. You need her to open up and tell you exactly the reason and you need to be sensitive and listen to her.

If she can't or she won't, and you can't give up the idea or the practice, then you know the decision you have to make.

strangely, i agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelifeandtimes View Post
..........
Its just hard to consider the possibility of leaving someone because of sexual chemistry. I've never been in this predicament before.




QFT

and it's hard for me to consider the possibility of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't fulfill me, be that sexually or otherwise.

if it's something that bothers you to the point that you are asking for advice, then it's obviously a problem and it's not being resolved through communication with your partner. to me it points to underlying problems.