My problem
 

So here's the situation. I'm 34 years old and have suffered severe psoriasis all my life. Because of this, until very recently I've never had a girlfriend or even had sex. Psoriasis is a skin disease and with the severity that I had it (also until recently) has caused mental problems. My problems aren't dangerous, and in the grand scheme of things are pretty minor to what others have to deal with, but they are problems.

I've had self confidence issues, intimacy issues (total lack of), severe shyness, and a general lack of self worth from a relationship stand point. I relied on porn exclusively for sexual relief and that's pretty much the problem. I'm not a porn addict, at least not what I would consider an addict. But my sexual gratification definitely seems tied to it.

About 2 months ago, after a particularly bad flare up of my disease, I went to a dermatologist and got approved for some incredibly expensive, but effective treatments. Fortunately my new insurance is covering the treatments. So my life starts to progress. A couple weeks after starting treatment, I give online dating a try. I used one of the personality based sites and to my astonishment, I've met a girl that I'm pretty sure I am going to marry.

This is one of those almost too good to be true situations, but it's on the level. We have so much in common it's creepy, but it is genuine. I've met her parents and friends and everything is really good. We've slept together and therein lies the problem. Here I am a 34 year old virgin and I can't get off while having sex. My interest in porn has dropped off to almost nothing and from our first time to our second time 2 weeks later, I didn't masturbate. Still no luck, several attempts over the weekend and it still didn't happen. now I didn't get her off either, but that didn't surprise me and she said I was getting better, also not for lack of effort on my part, I loved going down on her.

There is no doubt that I am aroused by her, hell I get hard thinking about her at work, when she talks to me on the phone and even when she holds my hand. But I can't keep it up long enough to get off. Incredibly frustrating and totally my fault as there is no lack of effort on her part either.

Last night, I wanted to test an idea and watched some porn, I had no problem getting off. Problem is the porn that does it for me is pretty serious serious shit. Heavy BDSM, pain, spanking, humiliation etc. I've been into self bondage and anal play for 15 years or so and BDSM in general since I was about 15. In my fantasies I'm usually the sub, considering my issues with self confidence and self worth, this isn't too surprising.

My girlfriend is mildly receptive to me in bondage, but not really into it. I honestly don't want BDSM to be a part of my relationship. All I really want is a fairly basic romantic relationship, but my mind seems tied to this fetish. I really see BDSM as a fetish in the clinical sense and it's pretty disturbing to me.

Now to make matters worse, I don't even jack off like normal guys. My method is to put pressure (reasonably intense) at the base of my penis and then it happens. I've gotten off maybe twice using the stereotypical stroke.

I'm already seriously considering a sex therapist but I'm really looking for other suggestions.

Send in the Ratbastid!

...

I'm glad to hear that your insurance company is helping solve your medical condition, though. That's rare.

A therapist is definitely the way to go as we're talking years worth of issues that need to be worked through. If you want a shot at a healthy perception of yourself and a healthy relationship - getting professional help is your best bet.

As for not being able to get her off, I wouldn't worry about it too much. We've all got our own particular ways of getting off and it can take a good long while for you to learn your partners body well enough to make her climax.

What I would be worried about is the fact that she's gotta know what's going on here. Get thee to a therapist.

I should also add,

You might want to put some serious thought into that.

And also,

Read my signature - having her step her game up in order to please you isn't going to do anything except worsen the issue and stress your relationship. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

The older you are before you lose your virginity, the higher your chance of erectile dysfunction and difficulty ejaculating (source: Dan Savage.) You've got almost 20 years of conditioning that leaves you only able to get off in certain ways, I'm pretty sure you're going to need some therapy or a lot of patience to undo that.

As far as marriage goes, it'll be 18 months to 2 years out most likely. We've had some discussion about it already and she wants to date for a year or so before we consider getting engaged. I told her that when she's ready she just needs to drop a few hints.

I talked to her today about my having to go to a therapist and she seemed to think that counseling might help her as well. We've had some fairly frank discussions already, so I imagine we will explore this at depth over the next few weeks. Due to our schedules, it'll be at least a month before we could even think about planning a visit to a therapist.

Dude, you're setting yourself up for grande-size failure by mentioning the M-bomb this early with time lines and framing out longevity expectation without actually knowing this person yet. It takes eons of time to get to know the real somebody inside your partner and the agenda that you've created is going to come back and get you at some point. Ease up on the chick flick whirlwind romance stuff time now, how copy over? Enjoy the companionship and hot-hot sex.

*gestures to divorce paperwork he has framed on the wall*

"Very superstitious... writing on the wall..."

You didn't say what sort of medical treatment you were undergoing. Do you know if your bedroom issues might be a side effect of that treatment?

This is my initial thought as well. Mention it to your physician ASAP. Even if you don't see how it could possibly be linked, there may have been links to erectile disfunction in clinical studies.