If you caught your gf/wife cheating with another girl?
 

(This post could have gone in the Men's Lounge, but I guess it will go here for now...)

What would your reaction be if you walked in on them in bed together? Would you feel hurt, confused, turned on, worried that she will leave you, wondering how long it was going on behind your back, concerned about STDs, or would you be just fine with her having a girlfriend on the side?

I have never loved or trusted someone, so I'm not sure I can answer it besides the typical male response of "Can I join?"

If you need to know, I am trying to figure out why I would have one reaction if it was a guy (involving a bullet to the head), yet would be fine with her seeing another girl as long as our relationship wasn't impacted very much and she didn't have any STDs.

We have a Men's lounge???

If my wife were hiding an honest affair, it would be trouble. If it were a fling, I could care less. Well, I would be a little upset I wasn't invited, but I would have no problems inviting myself.

Pretty much all of the above except worried that she'd leave me. I'd be doing the leaving.

I guess those of us whose wives DO have a girlfriend on the side are exempt from this question? :thumbsup:

I would be outraged... that my phone died, causing me to miss out on the start.

Same reaction I would have if I had caught her with a man. She's having sex without my knowledge and without my consent with another person. It's a severe blow to my trust and would possibly be grounds for break-up/divorce as I have a very strict no cheating policy.

yeah, without my knowledge or consent is a strict no no, and grounds for kicking her to the curb- now if she asks me first, and the prospective fuckee is tested and clean, and not a psyco, then sure, go for it,,,,,,

If my wife were simply experimenting I wouldn't be as nearly as upset as I would be if she confessed a deep love for the woman, but I would be hurt and disappointed by the fact that she didn't tell me about having bi curious thoughts.

Ditto...... Plus I would not get involved in a threesome without her knowledge so why should she??

I could/would care less

God, this is simple to figure out. Same rule as most threesome threads. It's the Penis Factor. As long as we're the only penis involved, we don't care who's doing what. And seriously... what man is going to object to multiple sets of female goodies to ogle and/or fondle? Hell, we spend a good portion of our lives staring at breasts.

This situation: I'd be willing to bet that, within at least 2 standard deviations (somebody check my math), this situation can be classified as "impossible bullshit fantasy" and is better used as fap-fap material on a lonely Saturday night... and not something with which to cultivate (more) gray hairs.

Turns out that men primarily think about "just putting it in her" and "let me do what I want" while women primarily think about romance / sunshine / puppies. We're wired that way with few exceptions, in my experience. I believe it helps us procreate and come up with soap opera scripts.

I've also determined that the longer you're in a relationship, the less important sex / sexuality becomes. At least with your current partner, anyway.

People either get hobbies (like buying guns or golf clubs)... or they use other people as hobbies (like your exotic Italian mistress, Claudia).

I disagree with you Crompsin, Not every guy can just turn off the trust factor with seeing his wife in bed with ANYONE, male of female. Personally if I walked in on my wife and another woman I would be PISSED! If I DIDNT kick the other girl out of the house and get into a SERIOUS discussion with my wife, I would be lying. The trust factor is broken, and THAT is the strongest part of a relationship. If I can't trust her with that, then I would CONSTANTLY be wondering how many times she had done it before, if she had done it with a man before...etc. I couldnt believe her if she said it was her first time, because this would have destroyed any trust I had in her. Hell, if a girl even gave me a flirty eye or casually flirted with me I tell my wife, and we laugh about it, have a good time, and who knows, sometimes it makes the sex a little more fun later that night... hehehe. So We tell each other about everything that happens. If I walked in on her in the middle of something, it would destroy me. Now if I came home, and she had a girlfriend sitting with her in the living room and the two of them dragged me into the edroom to watch, that would be different, just dont let me walk into the middle of it already happening without my knowledge.

I would have major trust issues that she would do something like that, especially when she knows I would love to see her with another lady!!! The fact she would do this behind my back without asking me or discussing it would be a major breach of trust considering how honest (well more open about talking about things) our relationship currently is.

I agree with the few on here that have said without prior knowledge and consent it would be a big NO! That would be a big trust issue. But I know this is not the asked question but with prior consent and checking, I would have no problem

Speak for yourself. Unless it was a royal "we".

Gender makes little difference to me. If it's sex with someone other than me, it's cheating, period.

If she engineered it so I would find them together as an invitation to a threesome, then I guess it would depend on how things went when I arrived.

If it was another reason, then I'd have serious trust issues.

In either case, I'd rather she talked to me first.

I'd just be happy to see her strap-on getting some use...

Can't she use it on you? :orly:

While such a scenario may present itself to be a man's dream come true, few think of the downsides of a lesbian relationship, the big one being that they are uninterested in you.

Once you come to that realization, you'll find that you're left with no choice but to kick her to the curb.

Whatever turns you on, chief.

I'd either undress or grab the camera

I know I am female but I don't really think it makes much difference - if I walked in on the SO with another man or if I had walked in on a female partner with another woman that would be it.

No previous discussion about whether I would be open to this situation - turn back around walk up the door, next time the other half was at work I would be picking up my stuff and leaving my set of keys at the apartment.

No discussion, excuses, begging.

They went behind my back and planned a sexual liasion with another person.

If it was a preplanned event - well that's different. But if there ws obviously no intention of me being involved in the decision making process that lead to the situation relationships over. I don't care how much I love the SO or how long we have been together - cheating is something I will not condone.


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Though me and my best female friend K have talked about being at the apartment when the SO comes home one night with one of us tied to the bed and the other one covering her in maple syrup (it's a a bit of a dig at the SOs Canadian background).... He is fully aware of our plans though.

That's allowable right?

I think too many of us assume that the other woman would be into guys. Most lesbians aren't the dyed-blond, fake-nailed, stiletto-wearing fantasies that seem to be popular. Why do we assume that our gf/wife's lover is bisexual?

Also, this asks "what if we caught her cheating?" The key word is cheating. If it were all cool, don't you think she would have asked first? Personally, I'd assume she would be in the process of leaving me for this woman. True, it might not be that bad. Maybe she was just experimenting and was too embarrassed to talk to me about her desire. Whatever. I just wouldn't think it is always a good thing just because of fantasies of threesomes. This isn't necessarily an automatic threesome.

NO WAY! Hah, I guess I don't have to mention the utter absurdity of this entire concept. "We" (men / at least 2 standard deviations of us, anyway) are very clearly in a long term monogamous heterosexual relationship and "we" get a "lesbian" slobber-knocker situation without any warning or precursor? How well do we know and understand our partner? Did we meet them yesterday? Perhaps off Craigslist?

My life isn't a soap opera. Somebody fill me in on what it is like.

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Hah, "royal we" indeed.

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I guess my problem with this Jerry Springer scenario is everybody stresses the "cheating" part without the "Why is my partner suddenly a switch hitter?" I'm pretty sure my s/o would rather make out with Patrick Stewart than any woman. We can understand infidelity... but sexual orientation flip-a-roo is another flavor of Rubik's cube. I can understand my partner bouncing upon the turgid flesh pistol of another man... that's standard issue infidelity... but I can't imagine her tongue spelunking in the moist reproductive portal of another woman. Hah, my head would totally 'splode like that one dude in Scanners. And not in a good way.

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Me? I miss the point.

I wanted to see what other's reactions would be. I've learned a lot.

And I never really stated that the other girl was bi and wanted to be with the guy. I actually thought that the other girl would be a lesbian or a close friend and they never thought that it would cause the relationship to break apart. More like if your girlfriend/wife wanted to have a mistress on the side. Or high school friends had a few too many one weekend at college and ended up in bed together to experiment.

Even if I never touched the other girl, I don't think I would have a problem with it as long as they both liked each other. The relationship would have to remain pretty stable though and she couldn't use the excuse that she's already had sex today. But, I could see how it could cause some problems down the road, but with the right attitude and communicating, I would be ok with it. She would have to be able to love two people at the same time though.

To butcher a Bill Withers line:

'You're too much for one man, but not enough for two. Dadgumnit, who is she and what is she to you?"

Much as this scenario is pretty much a fantasy of mine (as I believe it probably is with 99% of guys), it still boils down to that trust thing!

Communication and permission is everything!

All of TFP is essentially a Men's Lounge.

Oh, if only that that were entirely true. But essentially, yes.

If she hid it from me and I walked in on it, I would be livid.

Tilted Weaponry is the unofficial men's lounge. We stand around and talk about guns and scratch our asses and belch.

Wow, thanks man.
Are you the guy who killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too?:eek:

ditto

I wouldnt say I'd be over the moon, but I probably would be a bit turned on. It wouldnt be the same as she was with another man to me. if it was another guy it would be like an insult to my manhood; if she was fooling around with another girl - in the worst case its something that you cant biologically compete with and in the best case it could actually be a fantastic situation. I wouldnt even need to join in as long as they didnt mind me watching.

My boyfriend would be pretty upset, that's something that we should discuss before it happens. He isn't opposed to me having sexual relationships with other women, as long as he knows about it.

I would be upset that my husband didn't tell me he wanted to experiment with a man, and I would want to know why he didn't trust me with those thoughts.

I'd also want to get a clean bill of health from both of them, ASAP.

Provided he has a reasonable explaination (not sure what that might be) and no one had HIV, I wouldn't be too mad. I know men give better head than women and I know completely straight men who have gay oral-only fuckbuddies for this reason.

I don't think he'll be "turning gay" anytime soon so I am not concerned about him having a serious affair or leaving me for a man. The "Why didn't you tell me" issue is the real biggie.

If the relationship is serious enough to consider it cheating, she should know me well enough to know I would rather talk about it first. If she doesn't think it's cheating becuase the "other man" is a woman, our expectations are different enough that it wouldn't work out anyway.

Pfft... The_Jazz is to blame for those lost childhood dreams.

Me? Let me give you a 5 bullet-point arguement on why that's not right....

Wait. I sell insurance for a living. That alone proves your point. Carry on.

We pay your premiums! ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?! CAN'T WE HAVE OUR LIPSTICK LESBIANS?!

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Man, this would totally be a great script for sexploitation-twisted Memento movie.

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Uh, cheating is bad. Don't do it. With whatever gender and/or species.

For the record, real lesbians make great drinking buddies.... Just keep them away from your girl....like....your other drinking buddies.... :expressionless:

It cant be cheating as I had already told her I would be fine with such a possibility
I think it could be penis factor. It could be because I am very curious about bigirls and lesbos

I have walked in on my gf with another girl in my bed. I joined in. We had also shared a girl before so this is not under the same reason as the OP suggested. We both knew this girl and had talked about trying to get her into bed. I came home one day from work and went into the room to find two young ladies naked and waiting to scrub me off in the shower so they could ravish me.

Now if I didn't know... One head would say "2x BOOBIES!" and the other head would go "hey, wait, what?". I don't know what I would do. Mostly likely try to join then when I couldn't, I would get pissed/make a scene/break her shit as I leave.

Cheating is cheating, even if the boobies factor is doubled.

It depends on the girl and relationship. If she claimed to be monogamous when we started dating then I would have a problem with it because she betrayed her sense of morality, and lied to me. If she was polyamorous or a swinger and we talked about it from the beginning I would not have a problem with it. As long as I know she is in love with me and isn't spending more time with others than me. I guess it also depends on who she was with and if she knew they didn't have any std's.

I would say the same for being with other guys as well. It depends on her, her sense of morality, and the type of relationship. Either way though if it's not monogamous it would be nice to know who she is sleeping with before walking in to find her.

I agree with many others here that cheating is cheating whether it is with a man or a woman. If I walked in on my wife being intimate with another person it would be devastating. I guess what would bother me most about it is that I'm a very sexually open person and she knows that. If she wants to have sex with me and another person of either gender, I'd go for it. If she wants to have sex solo with another person... that is more cause for pause, but I'd still talk with her about it.

Interesting thread. I think cheating is cheating regardless of the gender (I'm female and bi). The other day my husband made an offhand remark that if I wanted to "keep the sheets warm" with another woman when he was away, he'd be OK with that. I'm not sure if he was serious. My reaction to this was threefold.

1. Wait. What?

2. Hmm. I do kind of miss women...

3. But it wouldn't be a good idea. It's not like taking a vibrator to bed, there is a whole other human being involved and potential feelings on both sides (or three sides, if he realizes after the fact that it DOES bother him). Sleeping with a woman wouldn't just be some kind of experiment for me.

At any rate - I would have a hard time being with another woman WITHOUT considering it cheating, and it would be weird to me if he didn't consider it cheating. (And almost slightly patronizing, like sleeping with a woman doesn't "count"?)

That's a great point, and I know that some guys feel that way. I'm not sure why, maybe they feel more secure knowing that they're not competing with another penis. Yet many guys would be very hurt if their wife/gf left them for another woman.

I'd have the same reaction for anyone, first: disappointment that I wasn't asked or included, who knows, I might have been all for it. :P At least if it were just about the sex. Anyway, cheating means the end of the relationship because one or both partners obviously need something different.

Is the sign-up sheet coming around?

Hey, don't stereotype lesbians. They don't just think with their clit.

I have and I'm okay with it. It was something we had discussed previously and she knew I'd be okay with it so I guess it wasn't really cheating though.
If it happened again? I'd probably do the same thing. Go sleep in the spare bedroom, or occupy myself in other ways. Wait until either the other girl left for the night or when she leaves the next morning and then go have lots and lots of sex. That's part of the deal, she can do what she wants with girls and doesn't need my permission. She does have to either let me know about it beforehand if possible, after if not (like the next morning). I am going to want details, I am going to get turned on and I am going to want sex.
If she didn't let me know? THEN I would be pissed.

Nope, I would never accept this and it would destroy my family. Plus, I don't think I would ever be attractive to a woman who thought this was a good idea. Wait, isn't this a mans dream?

Not really. A man's dream would be two women paying attention to him. And not just sex. I'd imagine it would involve a large screen television, a nice steak, and whole lot of mouth-not-open.

In the words of my misogynist best friend: "Get the hell back in that kitchen, woman... and I'd best not catch you voting in there."

(j/k)

You know after I broke up with her, she probably made a sign-up sheet for that black hole she called a vagina.

Now, I've found threesomes to be a novility thing,great to brag about to your friends over beers, but in theory someone is getting left out. I don't think I'll try for one again, I actually turned down one a few years later cause I didn't think the girlfriend I was dating could handle it. That and I think she would have went to bat for the other team.

Agreed

You sir... are a smart man. Most of life is about merit badge novelty crap. You've done your little kooky dance and now you've decided one woman is more than enough.

Haha... black hole. Heh. I like to refer to it as the "gaping maw" myself.

Reason to terminate the relationship in my opinion. Trust would be violated, and the issue of STDs comes into play as well, it would be worse IMO if it were a guy, because the issue of pregnancy also comes into play, but it would be bad all around. Girl on girl is nice in a good porno or fantasy, but I don't want a woman I'm in a relationship having sex with others in reality.

Happened to me
 

I supprised all of us on Monday night by walking in on my wife and her new naked friend, in our bedroom.
why is it that everyone always equates SEX with LOVE???
I love my wife and always want to see her happy, and have no delusion that i`ll be the only one to satisfy her sexualy, and she has the same feelings for me.
Perhaps we`re rare, but sex is simply lustful enjoyment, and nothing more.
Jelousy and unforgiveness are selfish emotions that no one needs.

My first wife and I were already having severe marital problems when I suspected her of having an affair.

Since I thought my ex-wife was having an affair with another man I set up a hidden camera in the our bedroom. I had overheard her on the telephone, and knew she was planning for him to come over late one night (I had to stay at the office for a Client Relations building exercise). When I watched the tape the next day I was surprised to find she was having an affair with a very attractive female. In fact, the "other woman" was incredibly sexy - much more so than my first wife.

This made me bold enough to admit "spying" on her, and the fact that I wanted to try a threesome. My first wife and I had had a monogamous relationship to that point - but were fairly exploratory (outdoor sex, semi-public sex...like in a theater, etc). Anyway, my wife was interested, but the other female was not.

A few weeks later I found out my ex-wife was also having an affair with another man. How did I find out? My ex-wife's "female lover" called me to tell me about it! She and I ended up having a fairly protracted (5-6 months) sexual affair. During our affair she repeatedly told me she wasn't "bi sexual", but had been "bi curious". This had lead her to a website where my ex-wife had posted a comment about wanting to try it too.

I never did get the threesome, but the "other woman" and I watched the video tape together quite a few times. This made for very passionate sex!

Trust is a necessary foundation to my romantic relationships and, imho, cheating is the most fundamental violation of that trust. I don't care if the woman I'm seeing is cheating with a man, a woman, a child, an animal or a dead body, cheating is cheating. If someone I'm seeing is developing feelings for someone else, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the truth. If the roles were reversed and I was developing feelings for someone while in a relationship, if I couldn't simply get over those feelings I would be honest with my gf.

That said, I'm not against the idea of a trio should the three of us have honest romantic feelings and no aversions to the arrangement. Having gathered a bit of information on the trio relationship from other TFPers, I have to say it seems the relationship can be just as healthy as a duo. In other words, I'd have no problem with my girlfriend being in bed with our girlfriend, in fact I imagine it would make me happy.

For me, I think that, as hot as it might be to see my wife with another girl, my reaction wouldn't be all that different from finding her with another guy: why did you hide this from me? Why wouldn't you tell me?

It's the deceit that's the betrayal, not necessarily the sex act. This is something that I have always made it a point to be 100% crystal clear and explicit about at the beginning of a relationship. I always have said to anyone I begin sleeping with, that my top rule is this: don't lie to me about anything important, and don't sleep with anyone else without talking to me first. Because honestly, maybe I'll say it's cool. If my wife comes up to me and says, my incredibly hot friend that you love checking out really wants to do me, and I really want to do her, and it's cool if you watch, I promise I will say yes. On the other hand, if she says, my ridiculously studly work colleague really wants to give me the ol' ten-incher, and I really need some of that mondo beefstick, I will probably say that I have a problem with that. But at least if I know about it, we can talk about it, and either my wife agrees that it's a fun fantasy but she will not actually sleep with him, or she says that sleeping with him is too important to pass up, in which case (God forbid) we can come to a clear understanding that this marriage is over. But at least it would be honest, and civilized.

Anyway, as for why it's different, I've heard arguments that it shouldn't matter if your wife/gf wants another girl or another guy, it's equally someone else. But I just don't feel that way. If she wants another girl, it's because she wants an experience that no man (myself included) can give her. But if she wants another guy, it's because there is something that she is not getting from me that she needs to find from another guy, and I cannot be in a relationship where my partner doesn't consider me enough man for her. If I can restrain my desire for other women, and be happy having sex only with my partner, she ought to be able to do the same. And if not, maybe we need different partners, a different relationship.

Like I said, I would still be upset if my wife deceived me about having sex with another woman. But it would be something much more potentially survivable, relationship-wise, than if she were with another guy.

You wouldn't grow a vagina for the woman you love ?

Brother, if I could grow a vagina, I would've done it a long time ago. It would really give my inner lesbian a leg up....

I think we just found Plan9's new signature.

Hey, better a vagina in my pants than an asshole above my neck, amirite?

The BF said he would walk in and take a seat and watch me enjoy my self

I would treat it the same as catching her with another man... when you are married with kids, the sex of the person you are cheating with doesn't matter, it's cheating. And even if you aren't married with kids, it's cheating. It would not be a pretty site male or female, so she better not try it.

Having shared a previous lover with many girls, the sex between us and our shared mmates was tremendous. However, I must agree with Prince, who said above that regardless the gender, cheating is cheating. She always knew that I was open for anything and I would do and allow her to do anything she wanted, with my blessing, and usually my participation. My wife and I agreed that it is just us. She is insecure about my extensive sexual background, and I too am insecure about her, having been hurt before. Cheating would be cheating, whether with a man or a woman.