Friends With Benefits vs. F*** Buddies
 

Hello loves-
For those of you who read my blog, this is an expansion on one my recent entries. Recently, I've found myself in a "friends with benefits" situation. I'm happy in this particular situation at this juncture in my life. I'm an independent woman who knows what she wants and refuses to settle. I'm also a woman who likes sex on a semi-regular basis. So rather than date people I'm not interested in, I'm very happy to have a friend with whom I can laugh, talk, and yes, have sex.

This recent development has got me thinking about the difference between "friends with benefits" and "fuck buddies". To my thinking, they are very different concepts. A fuck buddy is someone who exists solely for sex. While the relationship is not necessarily cold, it is limited. On the other hand, a "friend with benefits" is just that--someone you are truly friends with. I've been in both situations before, and I have to say, I'm not a fan of the "fuck buddy" scenario. It's so damned awkward. While I'm comfortable with the idea of sex without romantic attachment, I can't completely detach my emotions. I like being with someone I care about, even if that "caring" isn't romantic love. The comfort and caring of the FWB situation suits me just fine. I can see where it might get complicated--it has for me in the past--but in my present circumstances, I think things will work out fine.

So I'm wondering...what are your experiences with these types of relationships? Do you prefer one over the other? Do you think they can work without someone getting attached (and subsequently hurt)? Discuss. :-)

Love,
Sabrina

Definitely like the 'Friends with Benefits' over 'Fuck buddies.' The morning after with fuck buddies is always akward. I drop her off in front of her apartment: "Hey. Guess I'll cya around." Then later that night, "you uh....wanna come over?"

With the friends with benefits, the sex was just so much more comfortable. Idk what it was, but I was much more relaxed with the FWB. We had a strong mutual understanding of what we were doing and where it was going. Even then, we'd still talk like buddies. Like Sabrinafair, she was independent without really wanting to be attached, and I was leaving the area for good soon, so it worked out very well.

I think the booty call can be, in fact, very difficult.

Yes, it's a lot easier to sleep with someone you know, and are comfortable with. But, for both parties involved, how can you really detach yourself, without feeling like a robot?

I don't know, in my case, we were both half asleep, it was 7am, and she wake me up by sucking me off.

So, I guess in certain cases, you have to be in an altered state of consciousness, to detach from feelings, AND still enjoy the sex act.

When I left the first lad I ever lived with he rang me sometime later and suggested that we could have an arrangement where we just met for sex when either of us needed it, and I was really offended. I would always suspect I was being used, and if it was someone I knew a bit better, the friend with benefits scenario, I would be frightened the person developed feelings and I would end up hurting them. Theoretically, it's a great idea - I hope it works for you!

Ah, the advantages of morning wood. :)

To be honest, I don't think I could handle the fuck buddy aspect. For me, sex and love go hand in hand. Or if not love, at least some positive, caring feelings towards my sex partner. Cold and impersonal sex feels so... lonely.

So friends > buddies? I've always seen the terms as being basically interchangeable. FWB seems to be better SFW language than fuck buddy, but the differences, in my mind, end there.

Yeah, I thought they were the same thing, FB = Fuck Buddy, or in polite company like when you are talking about this with your grandma and priest, Freinds with Benefits.

I thought one is a friend you started fucking, while the other is someone you are fucking and keep as a friend...to fuck. :confused:

At the heart of the matter, I'm talking about a difference in sexual relationships--the strictly prurient and the friendship-based. The nomenclature just helps distinguish them in my mind.

Dear friend with benefits: We have things in common, we like to do things together, we occasionally fulfill our sexual needs, and I respect you.

Dear fuck buddy: You occasionally fulfill my sexual needs. I like you.

(I use each word of this knowingly.)

I've never done FWB, and I think my attachment to a true lover would make it very hard for me.

There was a time in my life where my mental state made the FB thing appropriate, and there were no strings and a great deal of honesty. There was no cynicism, and no pretense - it was what it was, and at the time it was helpful.

As a response to a particular personal crisis it worked for me and helped in my personal rehabilitation and when it was time to end it, it was simple and I walked away with no regrets facing either way.

I see what SabrinaFair is getting at and agree with the terminology and mostly to the attitude.

When I think fuck buddy, I think someone who is there just for booty calls and not really spending time with.

Friends with benefits being someone who I can hang out with and bang as well. (hehe... hang and bang)

I am currently in something close to a FWB scenario and it seems to be working out pretty well. We both know that this is not something permanent but we also enjoy each other's company. I can go to her place and spend the night, not even necessarily get any, and still have fun. But we also have great sex.

I have never been in a fuck buddies scenario... and imagine it would be a little more difficult to arrange but still distinctly different from FWB.

...my approach

I tried having a couple friends with benefits relationships and they ended badly. Someone gets attached. I'd definately choose to have a f*** buddy over the other.

The FWB phrase always confused me. That to me is dating without an exclusive commitment. Back in my younger years I had FB's. This was a conscious decision based on where I was in my life and where I wanted to go without distraction. Being comfortable with myself enough to understand the difference between sex and love, I satisfied my sexual needs without the hassle or responsibility of a real relationship.

Now that I am older; emotionless, casual sex has no interest to me at all. But to the younger crowd.....more power to ya!

my questions is how you can keep a FWB without romantic love? I would find it too hard for me to keep that boundary there... :(

I think that FWB would require both parties to be very clear on just what the relationship was, and they would need to have good control of their emotions.

If I enjoyed someones company, did the usual dating things, and was having sex with them, I'd probably develop an emotional attachment. Hell, I have.

I obviously don't have this kind of control. I have never had either kind of situation in my life, and think it would be difficult for me to do.

Why would I want to have sex with a friend? Not unless I wanted something more to come of it over time. Otherwise it's a waste of my time. What, just to have sex? Thanks, I'll pass.

And fuck buddies? Being someone's sex toy on call? To hell with that. I deserve better.

I can see what the difference would be to someone who could handle this though.

The FWB there is an emotional connection, as friends.
The fuck buddies, you kind of like the person, but wouldn't be friends with them if it wasn't for the sex.

In my experiences, the good FWB relationships work where there isn't a romantic attachment. The kind where if you wanted to date, it wouldn't work. There's not as much conflict that way.

This notion of being someone's on call sex toy goes both ways in most fuck buddy relationships, so it's not like you're getting used without also using your partner.

As for the OP, I've been in both and there's definitely a difference. Most of the time, I prefer FWBs because I often like to have someone to hang out with and get to know even if it's not in a romantic sense. At some points in my life though, it's better for me to just call someone up who will leave after we're done. If I have fun with someone I'll usually call them back multiple times so I find that with both types of relationships my partner and I learn what each likes and dislikes.

One word of caution for those of you who haven't been in relationships like this: if you can't separate sex and love, it won't work.

There was a guy that I took home for a one-nighter when I was in my 20s. We had nothing in common but great sex, so he'd call me or I'd call him any time of night when we were in need. It worked out great at the time; we never socialized or had any commitments. For me, he was a fuckbuddy.

In my early 40s, I had developed a friendship with this guy and we ended up having this weekly session. I truly wasn't interested in him sexually but there was a certain warmth and intimacy that I craved and he satisfied. I'd call that a Friend with Benefits. We remained friends throughout, until the day, in a phone conversation, he told me that he loved me. That would be my only warning and fear of having this type of relationship again. He passed away about a week after one of our sessions and I never knew for sure if he meant as a friend or something more. He was a great guy and I still miss his friendship.

Exactly. Any emotional attachment just screws up the relationship.

I've done FB a lot in the past. It satisfied our carnal needs at the time. There was nothing more to it. I've never done FWB because I was always afraid sex would ruin a good friendship, even when there was mutual attraction, I shied away. So much so, I remember the day about seven and a half years ago when my best friend told me he was envious of me, the friendships I have with female friends, because he had never been able to detach himself sexually from a friendship with a female (a real revelation to me)!

As I got older I realised I was missing out on something... a proper relationship! I now find my friendships with the fairer sex has not stood me in good stead because I find myself unable to move beyond "friends". So in seeking a relationship, I have to by-pass the whole friends thing and have to look elsewhere... which makes life harder... I also can not help thinking I've missed "the one", twice, because of this!

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying here is be careful, FB and FWB relationships can fuck you up in really weird ways that you maybe can not imagine right now.

Sabrina,

As I think of it, there is a continuum from One Night Stand > Booty Call > Fuck Buddy > Friends With Benefits > relationship (or Dating) > Relationship (or Romance) > Love Of My Life...

There's a certain point, in any interaction, that I stop worrying about the other getting hurt. I am pretty clear on what it means to me, both with myself and the other, but there have been cases where it's become clear to me (usually despite their protestations) that they are seeking something from me that I am not willing to give...

At that point- which I generally find more likely in either FB or Dating- I'll make a point of pretty coldly assessing whether I value the interaction more than I dislike having differing agendas- Usually, it's just not worth the hassle, and I drop it.

FWB, though, have actually been, for me, the sources of the greatest support, comfort, and real love in my life- as in most cases, while the sex stops at some point, the real affection and knowledge of each other only deepen with the years passing. For me, in the long run, FWB are the least of my regrets.

I hope this one is that good for you.

Stay Warm,
Ramone

My current 'relationship' started as FB with a one nite stand but sort of developed into fwb i guess as we always have a good laugh and good sex and spend the whole nite together. There is a definate difference in the mindset of fb vs fwb even thou they are often used interchangably. Fuck buddy just sounds a bit horrid to me

I have a FWB, and it's hard to not get emotionally involved! We have been friends for over six years, both of us are now divorced, and one thing led to another. I NEVER looked at him that way before and am surprised at how much we have in common. We have the same sick sense of humor and insatiable/curious sex drive, BUT all of that just makes me WANT HIM MORE!!!!

How can a person separate sex and emotions? I can't! To me sex is very intimate, even if it's dirty sex. You are sharing your fantasies, desires, stretch marks, etc. Nothing is off limits so everything is exposed. How can you not have some kind of emotional investment?

As you can see, I need help with this topic too.

just to satisfy my curiosity, how does one meet a FB?

is it basically a one night stand that continues? otherwise, how do you meet and figure out that just having sex is something that both of you want?

Well, the way I see it, it's not that there's no emotion or intimacy in these types of relationships. Quite the opposite usually. The intimacy is still there, it's just not attached to a relationship. It's kind of hard to explain but that's how I feel at least.

My FB relationships have usually come out of one night stands. Mostly a guy or girl that I meet and take home. I've also had FBs that are friends of friends. It's always someone that I don't feel any romantic desires towards.

I met mine online.
But, he's no longer my buddy as I am now in a relationship.

Both the FWB and the FB have their pros and cons. It just depends on what your needs are at the time.

As I've gotten older, I put more weight on the "intimacy" of sex, not just the pleasurable aspect. While those kinds of relationships were fun when I was younger, I couldn't get involved in one today.

You really just need to be on the same level when it comes to sex. If both people agree to be eachother's glorified sex toy, then all is good. You both have to just like sex and be up for it whenever. If you're not up for it, you shouldn't feel bad for declining an offer.

It will never work if one person wants to use it as an avenue to get the other in a relationship.
It will never work if one person ALWAYS views sex as something more than just... sex.
It will never work if one person agrees to have sex when they don't really feel like it.

Most of my friends are into the Poly scene, so I am surrounded by a lot of "free love" these days. Its hard to take other people seriously when they put so much weight into sex.

Had both, strangely enough I had less trouble with the FB situation than I did with the FWB situation. I think because emotions got involved in the FWB situation (on his part). People always say, "so long as both parties are up-front about things...expectations...etc." Frankly, if I had to find someone I can communicate that well with, who I also want to have sex with on a regular basis...I might as well just hold out for the real thing.

If it happens and it works, alleluia. But good luck looking for it.

Most of my female friends are either friends' girlfriends or just friends who I'm not attracted to. The rest are either people I wouldn't want to complicate (fuck up) a friendship with, are in relationships with guys I don't know, or I've known for so long that it would just be weird at this point.

Now meeting someone, deciding that a relationship wouldn't work out, but sticking together as fuck buddies? Hasn't happened, but who knows?

One hell of a complicated chart!!

Now who went and made the chart all politically correct by substituting "Highly improbable" for the original "null set"?

I've never been into the whole friends with benefits or fuckbuddies. It never appealed to me. I would get too emotionally involved. Always been a monogamous relationship girl. :)

__________

Any time I've been in a "friends with benefits" situation, either I or the girl get too involved. Usually happens that the girl gets too attached, and wants more out of me than I want to give at the time.

But on the flip side, fuck buddies are just a weird, uncomfortable situation most of the time. You either don't know the person very well, or you aren't the type to be friends, so what's the point of getting with them?

I guess I'd rather go for a regular relationship for sex...

I am reminded of the thread about wanting one's sister-in-law. Where would such a person reside on this chart?

I think you'd need a z axis for that: social acceptability.

Its an ideal situation
 

I was fuck buddy (as far as I was concerned) and "friends with benefits" for the other person for the last 5-6 years. Recently my buddy started an affair with another guy, but continued our relationship. A few weeks ago we decided to meet up for what I assumed would be another night in heaven. Unfortunately my buddy flatly refused sex and I ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. Now my question is " If a guy and a girl are in a physical relationship and agree to meet up for the night, doesn't it mean SEX?" So where did I go wrong? Or does it mean that its just "friends" from now on and no "benefits"?

I prefer fuck buddies. I'm a very awkward person and I'd rather they didn't know everything about me. I don't mind talking once in a while... but I don't want to go to them when I'm bawling and tell them all my problems only to have the next sexual encounter with them become awkward.

This is part of the reason these situations don't work out as nicely as people think they will. People have different rules and expectations, and they need to communicate them completely and frequently. Seems like a lot of work for just "fuck buddies". I mean...all that communicating? Might as well have a real relationship.

Hmm...this is a very good topic. I myself, have had FB's, and FWB's. The FB's have always ended up turning into FWB's lol. As for the FWB's...only one of them ended up becoming personal. But thats because he was too damn desirable to stay away from haha! But I think, you can maintain them as FWB's as long as thats what you want. As for the FWB, usually if its a guy you don't really have to worry about him getting too attatched as long as you let them know in the beginning that is as far as you want it to go. I think its a good idea to have a FWB if you don't want to have a relationship. That way you still have a companion in ways, but you aren't claimed or tied down by that one person.

The movement of sex on the relationship time line - how novel. I like the superfluous titles, too. "I'm ___, but not ___ because of ___."

Most of my long term relationships go like that. Meet, "Wow, you're hot," screw, get to know each other, continue to screw, formal relationship, infidelity, etc. I don't think I've had a normal relationship in my life. My concept of "how it goes" is so far off I shouldn't be allowed to post relationship advice.

...

I would want my fuck buddy to be hot. That way sex is cued up all the time. I'd want my FWB to be not hot. That way the sex draw isn't overwhelming.

I've been in FB and FWB type arrangements before. Some successes, some failures. I don't think there's anything wrong with the arrangement at all, though perhaps not for everybody. I think the key to it is knowing what you want and being honest about it.

I think, in general, FB and FWB type arrangements fail and are seen as situations rife with drama and heartache because often times in these situations, discussions about expectations and desires often times don't occur because the relationship is so casual and non-binding... when in actuality, these discussions need to be had or else one person is going to make one assumption, and the other may make another, and in the end someone gets hurt. I tend to think FB and FWB end up being more tricky because often times they are non-monogamous arrangements involving people who are typically monogamous, thus can be terminated pretty swiftly if one of the people involved decides to get more seriously involved with someone else.

That said, my official stance is always to communicate what you want.... and there's nothing wrong with wanting and liking having a FWB or FB arrangement, likewise there's also nothing wrong with not wanting that either.

Bingo!!