wife, not sexy any more

[wayne21]

my wife has been ill for the last 3 or 4 years and she has gained about 60 pounds due to her meds and bad food choices. That means she is eating a lot of candy and drinking only soda. She does eat about one meal a day. The previous weight was 135 lbs. she is 5'4" and she is no longer sexy to me. can anyone give me a way to help her lose the weight with hurting her feelings?

Thank you for your help Wayne21

[genuinegirly]

You need to take an active role in helping her develop a healthy lifestyle.

You need to sit down with her and tell her that you are concerned about her health. Mention diabetes, and tell her that you think she will develop this serious disease (soon!) if she continues on her current path. Tell her that you see her poor eating habits akin to alcoholism, and that you would like to help her confront it. Tell her that you married her because you want(ed) to be together for the rest of your lives, and that your life together will be longer if she is healthier. Tell her you are concerned that her poor eating habits are an indication of deeper problems, such as dissatisfaction with life, unhappiness in the relationship, or perhaps a mild case of depression.

You need to take an active role.

You should work together to build menus that include 3 light, healthy meals and two vegetable-based snacks each day. Encourage her to bring her soda consumption down to one every day. Do not allow her to just switch to diet - this is far too much of a crutch. What is it about water that she does not prefer? If she doesn't like the taste, perhaps she could switch from soda to iced herbal or green teas.

After dinner each night, invite her for a walk around the neighborhood. Keep it under a mile at first, and keep it at a relaxed pace. Chit-chat about your day while you walk, or, if she's a chatty-type, ask her about her week and let her vocal thoughts run.

The crucial part about this whole process is to let her know that you married her for a reason, that reason had nothing to do with her weight but everything to do with the prospect of a long, happy, and healthy life together. If you tell her that you love her and that you're concerned, you will most likely make progress.

I wish you two the best.

[snowy]

You can talk to her about it, but ultimately, the change and the willingness to change her lifestyle is something that has to come from herself. Be really careful about the tone you use should you choose to address this in a discussion. The best thing to do is just to model good behavior, and to invite her along. If you yourself are not maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it's highly hypocritical to suggest she change; therefore, you must first examine your own life and do what you would wish her to do. Go for walks, bike rides, hikes, go to the gym, and invite her along. If she doesn't go, tell her how much you missed her being there.

She does not need an ultimatum. She does not need you to condescend to her. She does not need you to insist. What she does need is someone to be there to support her, help her, and encourage her. You need to be the ultimate cheerleader here. When people stop taking care of themselves, there's usually something more going on than just eating too much and not exercising. Depression is often a factor. Great news on that front though: Exercise helps with depression, and so do better food choices.

[Peaches]

There are many things here that we don't know, such as..... What was she like before she became ill? Have you noticed any other changes in her mental attitude? If you wife was reasonably healthy and fit prior to her illness, a major attitude change like this might very well suggest depression as a result of her illness. She might be turning to food as a comfort mechanism. I would suggest as the others have, a frank discussion of her health issues, with the focus being on having her healthy, not sexy. If she's depressed, the last thing she needs to hear is you telling her she's not sexy to you. You might suggest a three way discussion with her primary doctor, possibly leading to counseling for one or both of you.

[curiousbear]

Brother, what took you so long?
I think Genuinegirl and SnowlyOwl have the answers for you. Also I think you misplaced a WITH instead of WITHOUT in your below sentence.

"can anyone give me a way to help her lose the weight with hurting her feelings?"

[jewels]

Originally Posted by Peaches

If she's depressed, the last thing she needs to hear is you telling her she's not sexy to you.

Been there, done that.

I was lucky enough to have a man that loved me for who I was and he still found me sexy, despite my gaining 100+ pounds. He did let me know he was concerned for my health and, without outside help, his support was what got me through the fat loss when I finally decided to do something about it.

Surely your wife will respond similarly as long as she knows you still love her. Be patient, kind and loving.

[SabrinaFair]

I agree with what's been said. The emphasis should definitely be on health, not sexiness.

I'm curious to know--are your eating/fitness habits vastly different than hers? If not (AKA, if you're eating a lot of candy, etc), then perhaps you all should commit to a new, healthier lifestyle. "The buddy system" has always helped me in any sort of weight loss/healthy living attempt.

[wayne21]

You are right sorry, that is what I was trying to say.

Thanks curiousbear
wayne21