I like her, but she has herpes :(
 

Note: I've been a user for a while. I do not want this post associated with my usual forums name

So, about a month ago, I started dating a girl I met on a dating site. We hit it off really well. We saw each other a few times, did some making out and groping, no sex; she said she wanted to wait until we loved each other.

Last week, she was spending the night at my place and as we were getting to bed, she said that we needed to have a talk before things got any more serious, but it could wait till morning. I coaxed her a bit, because I didn't want to be falling asleep making horrible speculations. She told me that when she was a teenager, she had a self-destructive period of drugs and careless sex during which she got infected with herpes. I comforted her, but told her that I'd have to think about whether I could accept the risk.

Apparently, she got it about 7 years ago, and her outbreaks have been only one every 18 to 24 months. She's got no health insurance, so she can't get suppressive drugs, and I know that condoms aren't all that effective against herpes, though the risk is low, especially when it's in remission. According to wikipeda, there's probably less than a 5% chance per year that I'd get it from her, even without condoms or other protection measures. Significantly less if condoms are used, along with a carrageenan based lube.

Edit: Apparently it might be possible to get Valtrex for free depending on income/begging. Prices for it via internet pharmacies are vaguely reasonable though the quality of goods is questionable.

She said her last two boyfriends never showed any symptoms.

I'm 24 though, and the prospect of being in her position, constantly feeling dirty and being rejected for the rest of my life horrifies me. I'd probably be constantly paranoid about getting infected while with her.

On the other hand, I really like her, and she seems like someone who I'd enjoy being with for a very long time.

So, that leaves possibilities.

a) I decide to take the risk for her, and we end up being together for the rest of our lives, and it doesn't matter if I get it from her or not.

b) I decide to take the risk for her, and we break up after a while, and I stay clean.

c) I decide to take the risk for her, and we break up after a while, and I get infected. Queue massive emotional breakdown and lifetime of regret.

d) I dump her, feel like a jerk for a while, but get over it, and find someone else.

:sad:

Get the condoms. Make an effort and if it doesn't work out, at least you won't be a jerk.

Take your time. You appear to be well informed, which is good. Access to suppressive medication I feel would have provided a tad bit more security to the circumstances. Tough call man, good luck and continue to communicate openly with her about your concerns.

No offense, but you should give this chick a chance! Everyone (ok not really, but a startlingly huge amount) has herpes, and only a small percentage are honest about it. Kudos to her, be careful and you'll be fine. If you give up on her chances are better than even that one of the next 4 girls you sleep with has herpes or worse, and she might not be so honest (or informed)

We knew a young couple & the girl had herpes. Her husband wasn't infected, but they had only been married a couple of years. I have no idea if she was on suppressive drugs.

There is no rhyme or reason for herpes outbreaks. It can happen twice in a month, then not again for several years. So long as she knows when an outbreak is starting, you can either abstain till it passes or just be extra careful. I dated a woman with herpes many years ago. I never contracted the disease. She told me that sex was way too painful with the outbreak anyway.
The herpes virus obviously can't be cured. The anti-virals used only help speed up the process so the outbreaks are shorter and less painful.
In short, don't give up on her yet. So long as she is honest with you about the outbreaks, you should be fine.
The flip side is if you really can't handle the idea of her having herpes, tell her and end it now. It will only end poorly if you don't and thats not fair to either of you.

Sums up my thoughts on this as well. Herpes is as common as pie and is nothing to be ashamed about. To her very refreshing credit - she's honest and upfront about it (which is very rare when it comes to these kinds of infections). I see no reason at all why you shouldn't give this gal a honest run for the money..

Couple things in your OP stood out to me

I love sex, absolutely love sex. But in the end finding someone you enjoying spending time can be a rare find. I've had sex with women that was knee buckling and almost couldn't be described in words only to find out over a small period of time that even sharing a coffee with them yet alone a day, week or month was unbearable. I had this discussion with other people (women, men, gay and straight) who've had the same experience. Clicking in the sack is great. Clicking in the sack and enjoying spending time with someone are both very important. Finding someone that fits both categories is rare, IMO.

And

This is something your simply going to have to answer yourself. If being with her (sexually) makes you paranoid how good could the sex be? I have friends, actually my ex's best friend from childhood, she has herpes. Has for the last 20 years or so. They've been married for around 14 years. They have a child. He doesn't have herpes. I don't know the ins and outs (no pun intended) but they make it work. I assume there's medication and timing involved. I think it can be done, but only if you can do it.

Yeah, well, I picked it up somewhere along the way. Herpes, that is. The first year it was devastating. Constant outbreaks. Always dreading the part where I had to interrupt the hot-and-heavy to explain to her about my problem. They weren't pleasant, those times.

After the first year, I had outbreaks maybe once in 12 months. Today-- 26 years later-- I hardly ever have outbreaks. I can't remember the last one. I warned my wife-to-be, and she wasn't scared off. I eventually gave it to her. We've been married 20 years.

Moral of the story? If yours is a nice girl and you like her, she may very well be worth it.

Find out if there are any clinical trials testing medicine to prevent the spread of it.

Search of: "Herpes Genitalis" - List Results - ClinicalTrials.gov

A Study to Evaluate the Effect of Famciclovir in Reducing Herpes Virus Shedding - Full Text View - ClinicalTrials.gov

Safety of a Herpes Simplex Candidate Vaccine (gD2t) With MPL and Its Efficacy to Prevent Genital Herpes Disease - Full Text View - ClinicalTrials.gov

Or contact the drug maker to see if you can be a guinea pig.

info: http://www.centerwatch.com/ctrc/ASHA/
http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_overview.cfm

Your choice of wording almost sounds like you are contemplating doing her a favor. You need to decide whether or not being with her is worth the risk for you, not for her. If you take the risk, it should be for you, because you want to be with her.

I don't know alot about Herpes, but you said her outbreaks are already down to 18-24 months without drugs. Isn't that the goal of suppressive drugs...once every couple of years? I admit, my knowledge of suppressive drugs is limited to the Valtrex commercials I have seen.

You should get the fuck out. Considering you've only been dating her a month, it just makes the whole situation seem like a bad idea. Make the safest choice for you.

hate to go against the flow here, but if it was me i't'd be bye bye charlie.

my health would come first. screw compatibility. so ok she was honest with you. buy her dinner, just dont pop her.

regret in hindsight is a motherfucker. think about number one before you think about number two. right now you're number one and you have your whole life ahead of you.

you may well end up separated with this girl and with herpes.

Same as the two dudes above me. If I found out that the chick I've been dating for a month had herpes, I'd be out. Yeah, it would suck if I really liked her but I'd rather not date anybody with an STD that I have a risk of contracting for the rest of my life.

Safest? :orly: I'm pretty sure the mortality rate for herpes is, um, somewhat low :expressionless:

its still a life long virus. there is no cureo to date.

i say get the fuck out

The safest choice to prevent him from catching it. ex: dumping her and finding someone else.

So your advise is to dump the honest well-informed socially responsible chick, and hope if the next girl he dates is in the 25% or whatever that has herpes, she also is well informed and socially responsible enough to tell him?

I'm not advocating he try to catch herpes, I'm saying that this is a pretty ridiculous reason to break up with someone. What if she had the flu? That's contagious...Dump her and get the fuck out? Everyone he has sex with in his whole life is capable of transmitting the STD known as 'child support payments..."

Flu goes away in a week or two.

The reason is far from ridiculous.

Sex comes with consequences, friends. Sometimes there's a literal risk.

As with everything else, it's a matter of cost/benefit analysis.

She's great, right? Like her. Could see a future with her. She's clearly mature and stable enough to be up-front about this issue. Okay, all good.

Question is: is a year with her worth a 5% chance of an incurable but common nuisance illness?

That's something everyone would have to answer for themselves. dlish's answer is no. Mine would probably be yes.

Seriously.

You've got to give her points for being open and honest about it, because there are a ton of people--women and men--who wouldn't be. And it's not just limited to herpes--HPV is another all-too-common silently passed STD. anonymous, your next partner might not be so up front with you about their history and health.

It is a risk--but every relationship comes with risks, just none so obvious as this. Keep that in mind when you try and put this in perspective. So you have to ask yourself--is it worth the risk? Sometimes the answer is yes, and you step up and roll the dice. Sometimes the answer is no. Or, in this case, the answer could be "let's wait and see where this is really going before getting physical." Only YOU can answer that question. We can give you advice and our take on it until we're blue in the face, but the only person whose opinion REALLY matters is YOURS. Is it worth the risk to you?

Asking for test results and showing yours in return solves the being upfront problem.

We live in scary times.

There is a tone of favor in your options listed. if you think you are favoring her there is a danger of you having some expectations later in your relationship.

Make a choice yourself based on how you will feel about it later after five or 10 years. If you are sure you will keep same stand and give her same respect and space they kudos go for it. After all having pretty & kind girl is good for you

People don't really do this, do they? :orly: :paranoid: If I had tried to pull this, and stuck with it, I'm sure I'd still be a virgin.

If you aren't in a relationship with someone and are just messing around, you should always be taking all possible precautions, and if you're in a relationship with someone and their word isn't good enough, why are you dating them? :orly:

This is the real world we are talking about here. If I'd ever gone home with someone who had their last STD test results in their nightstand I'd be CREEPED THE FUCK OUT and run away.

Edit: Furthermore, she WAS up front with her test results, and it didn't solve the problem, so I'm not sure what the relevancy of this post is.

Man, at least she told you first.
I say if the potential for a relationship means enough to you, then you'll stick it out.
Definitely look into Valtrex or the like at a Planned Parenthood/clinic for a referral to the prescription assistance program.

But, really, do you know how many people have herpes?

http://us.st12.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c...0_2018_2858330
http://us.st12.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c...0_2018_2858330

Maybe you should get tested to make sure you don't already have it and don't know it yet.

She sounds like a mature adult woman. I am sure that it took a lot for her to open up to you and let you know. You have to take it from here though. It doesn't sound like you are too anxious to hang up the hat on her. Take the time to decide, waiting never hurt anyone. I have always felt bad for those who have to carry the burden of this disease, the stigma, the discomfort, I imagine it is more than a little frustrating.

Please don't use "Well alot of people have herpes, so go for it!" to backup your arguements for this guy to continue dating her. Thats really not in his best interest. There's nothing wrong with asking someone you plan on having a serious relationship with to have a blood test(get one with them).


This is really why STDs are so common in the first place. People are way too careless with their genitals.

It is a perfectly valid arguement, please do not instruct me on what points to make.

I hate to resort to ad hominim, but are you honestly stating that have gotten his and hers blood tests with every person you've had sexual relations with before it occurred?

I am contemplating this very issue in re genital warts. A potential partner of mine was up front and to the point, telling me that they were discovered long ago and that he hasnt had any appear for sometime, but that there is the potential that he carries the virus. It did not put me at ease. This is someone I could actually see living with at some time because there is something so right but I have to get over this first as well as a myriad of other funky junks. I am taking the route of "Lets wait and see what develops." It is frustrating for him, but he is making me comfortable which I see and appreciate.

However, at the same time he is making me very uncomfortable by suggesting counseling as a means of figuring it out. Jeez.

PS: A friend of mine was herpes positive when she married her husband, who wasnt. They stopped using condoms when they fell in love and knew they would marry. He remains herpes free many years later.

Man im not gonna lie i feel so bad for you..that is one bitch of a choice to make and if it was me i dont know what i would do. Id most likely have to know her and see how strong of feelings i had for her but man go for what you think is right its not the users of tfproject's choice its yours.

Robin Williams got sued for giving someone herpes, but I'm pretty sure he didn't tell them in advance that he had it. Oh, can someone confirm that there is a test for Herpes? And how it differentiates between genital herpes, oral herpes, and a history of chicken pox?

If it's a huge problem for you, get out. That way, you will never be playing the blame game if you catch it down the road. There are even classifieds on Craigslist and elsewhere in which people specify they are positive, and looking for someone else who's already positive.

There is, and it does. Pregnant women have to get tested for it, (my wife was) and if she had been positive she would have been put on Valtrix until she delivered to ensure no outbreaks during delivery.

Personally, I think that's a great option for a person who is willing to take a risk if it were a long term or permanent relationship. I once dated someone with Herpes, and this is what I did. I was glad I had not taken chances when we split 6 months later.

You have to understand that yes, this happens and isnt that extreme or unbelievable. Some people arent willing to risk catching an uncurable disease for a single relationship.
Anyone that isnt mature enough to go along with it is either a)not worth dating b) random hookup c) positive for something.

"I'm 24 though, and the prospect of being in her position, constantly feeling dirty and being rejected for the rest of my life horrifies me. I'd probably be constantly paranoid about getting infected while with her."

Just screams "please talk me out of this".

Yes, there are several tests. http://www.ashastd.org/pdfs/blood_test.pdf

The short answer:

There are 2 types of herpes. Simplex I (face) and Simplex II (genitals).The virus only presents near mucous membranes. They are essentially the same virus and can be transmitted easily from one place to the other.

Herpes Zoster is the result of having chicken pox. It is more commonly called shingles.The chicken pox virus remains dormant in the cells even after the disease has cleared. These are very painful and can break out anywhere on the body. They typically follow along a nerve.

Herpes outbreaks can be triggered by stress or by being run down from a cold or flu. The anti-virals available only help speed up the healing process and do nothing to actually clear the virus.

I cant believe this guy is being given this advice. Move on to another girl man. A chick is not worth getting an STD for...if at any time in your life, things dont work out with her..you are fucked.

the choice is simple..she has STD's. u dont want that!!!!!

For the record:

This is one of my favorite titles ever. Ever.

/insensitivity

This is the part of your post that concerns me most. She sees her STD in direct relation to this history, so perhaps she has matured and moved beyond those habits. Still, I personally would not like to begin a relationship with someone who has a history of addictive behavior.

That's certainly thought provoking, & worthy of a thread of it's own.

Now, is herpes only contagious when they flare up? If they are dormant now, I doubt she is contagious. I would give her a chance. It's not her fault she's infected, after all. Just be careful, always use a condom, and perhaps try and get some medication for her so she can treat them?

Well do we know that it wasn't her fault that she got the infection? I mean, if he willingly puts himself at risk and he does catch herpes wouldn't it be his fault?

This is a tough decision and we can't make it for you but I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

I don't think we can blame people for their past mistakes. This woman was infected seven years ago. Is she living the same kind of lifestyle as she was back then? If not, chances are she accepts her mistake - she seems to respect her sexual partners too, if she didn't, the OP would never have been told she was infected. It's good she felt she could trust him with her problem.

i quote this posta s well as paprora for truth..

if you break up..you're screwed. can you guarantee that you're going to stay with her forever? if no..ditch it.

nobody is worth having a long life virus for

I went through a similar situation but the other person had HPV, not HSV. I am the biggest hypochondriac in the world. I couldn't bring myself to move forward with the relationship. Regret? Sometimes not. Sometimes so. In the end, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You may find someone just like her but without the disease. It's a harsh way of thinking, but it's the reality of it.

So what about someone who doesn't tell you they have an STD? For instance, I just got out of a relationship with someone a couple months ago. We started talking at the beginning of the year, and had sex a couple months later. STDs should have come up, but they didn't; I got tested before she came out to visit, just in case, and thought she was a great girl, we were honest and open, and were clearly moving towards a relationship - not a one-night-stand type thing. A couple weeks after we slept together for the first time, were talking on the phone - talking about different things, including past skeletons, if you will - and she said, "oh my God, I forgot, I have HPV."

That really bothered me. I forgave her, and we worked on our relationship for a while, but it definitely hurt my trust and my feelings. To the OP: at least she was honest and upfront. I think I still would have dated my ex if she had told me first; granted, HPV doesn't have the same connotation as Herpes and isn't that bad (especially for a guy). No easy answer: sure think about you first (esp after dating for only a month), but if you really dig her, great. Maybe just hold off on the sex a lot longer, that way you can find out homuch you really like her.

Hopefully not thread-jacking, but how should I approach things now? HPV supposedly clears after a few months/years, but there's no test for guys to be sure. Furthermore, condoms don't offer complete protection (I guess), so basically any time I want to sleep with a girl -- even using protection -- I feel like I should tell them. There are a couple girls I like and I told both of them and they were pretty accepting. But will I have to say, "I might have HPV" as long as forever? Unless a partner comes back clean after a few years? I wish my ex had told me so I could have made a more willing decision; again, to the OP: at least she was honest.

Oh man, What a predicament you've gotten yourself into. Here is my take. I'm 27 and in my lifetime I've dated two women with herpes. I'm still clean (lucky me), but, the relationships are tough. First things first, you are not doing her a favor, it might seem that way, but you are not. Second, herpes is very manageable, and if you believe she's worth the shot, then go for it. Third but not last, you have GOT to be comfortable and enjoy the relationship, that is the key man, if you don't enjoy her company and look past the fact that she has herpes then it will never work. Good luck dude and i really hope that you are a grown up and that you make the choice that is right FOR YOU. Don't listen to us, any of us, listen to the little guy that talks to you when you are all alone, you know him, the one that stares back at you from the mirror every morning, the same guy that whispers in your ear at night when you go to bed. Good luck brother. BTW, information, information, information; learn everything you can, if you like shoot me an e-mail and I'll tell you everything I've learned with my previous experiences, maybe it'll help. i'll pm you my e-mail.

I'm a freak about STDs. Herpes means it's time to go while the pain is minimal (pun intended).

Sorry, but herpes, for guys or girls, is damaged goods. HPV is damaged good. AIDS, well, you get the idea. My junk is clean and I plan to keep it that way. Now, I'm married so that is easy for me to say, but even before I was married I was still of that mindset. If the relationship is young, time to move on IMO. However if she was the one (and yes guys have their one too) then it might be time to stock up on valtrex, because if you're like me, you HATE condoms.

Several years ago I had sex with a girl who I afterwards found out had HPV, but I had been sane and used a condom. My girlfriend has had clean paps so I'm probably good. They have a vaccine for HPV now that women can get. Try "I was exposed to HPV X years ago, I haven't ever had symptoms, so I'm probably clean, but there is no test for men."

Old thread I know, but I just recently got into the same situation as the OP.

Met a great girl online, few dates, kissing, then she made me a great dinner (not common in women these days).

She had already told me that she needed to tell me something. I figured that it was that she smoked. Wrong, she has herpes and her very first boyfriend gave it to her. After that she was married for 10 years and her ex never showed symptoms, but never got tested either. She says she has not had an outbreak in years, but can 'feel' one coming and won't let anybody near hear until it's over.

I have read lots of stuff because she is otherwise a great girl.

She also says that my reservations since she has told me is all that she needs to know about how I feel. She thinks that I will always be paranoid or hold it against her. She may be right, she may be wrong.

This is a tough spot to be in.

If she's a nice girl, I would consider myself a fool to walk away because of Herpes-- But I have dealt with herpes for 30 years.

I got it when I was young and presumably foolish. I still don't know who gave it to me, which makes me feel kinda slutty. I think I know, but not sure. I had a gf who I was active with for 2 years or so, and she never caught it. We used condoms and never did it when I had an outbreak.

I would delay getting physical as long as you can, to make sure it's going to be a longterm hookup. Once you take the plunge, if you combine condoms and avoiding sex during an outbreak, you'd be really unlikely to get it, but it's not impossible.

Once you do have it, in the final analysis, it's really just an annoyance. I felt "violated" at first, and yea a bit like "damaged goods", but the reality is it's not that bad. Well, it's a little painful during an outbreak, but they are not that common. Here I am 20+ years later, married, etc -- it didn't ruin my life. Yes my wife eventually caught it from me.

Tons of credit for the girls in this thread that told their prospective partners about it. That is very tough. I have always been upfront about it too, and it didn't end my dating life.