On-line Cheating
 

Hello--Well, after fours years with my boyfriend I discover he has a secret on-line life. If he were just looking at porn that would be fine; I like to as well. But, in the past two years, he's twice been registered on on-line affair sites (Ashley Madison/Craig's List) as well as emailing "massage therapists" on Craig's list to come to his home. He says he never had physical sex w/another woman so he hasn't cheated. I had serious suspicions so I used spyware to locate the information: emails between he and other women describing what sexual things they would like to do, etc. He now believes that I'm a criminal, but he's blameless for indulging in mere "fantasies." What do you think?

The relationship was pretty much over the minute you started snooping thru his computer and spying on his business. you dont snoop on someone you trust and love.

If you suspected something you shouldve confronted him.

I agree, but I would think that most of the time they will deny it. Then what do you?

Believe them, keep going on like nothing until you find something again? Confront them, they say no, you believe them, and so on?

If you don't snoop, and your gut is telling you they are lying and are up to something, what should you do?

I dont know but violating their trust and privacy isn't the right way of going about it.

When you catch a SO in a lie, they lose some of your trust. The more trust is lost, the closer the relationship is to ending.

WildThing: you were wrong and he was wrong. Sounds to me like you should move on.

Hadn't he already violated her trust by doing what he was doing? Sounds like he made the advertising on Craig's List and the such pretty obvious. Why would he do such a thing in the first place? Sounds like he already thought the relationship wasn't satisfying. Sure you shouldn't snoop through your loved ones stuff just because you suspect something, but when he put the evidence right under her nose doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

Fact remains sounds like the relationship is over or would need something majorly drastic to fix it. You have both violated each others trust and at this point placing blame is a futile effort on both of your parts. If you want to fix the relationship wasting energy on determining who violated whos trust is not going to get you anywhere.

If the question your trying to ask is do we believe that what he did was cheating? Well then yes, especially if you don't have that kind of open relationship. If at the start of your relationship you had both decided that such activities were permissible that would be a whole 'nother story.

Best of luck in the difficult decisions you will probably soon have to make.

Cheating is cheating. Just because it was limited to an online affair does not make it any less wrong. If he were so blameless, then why wouldn't he have discussed it with you? He hid his secret self from you because he knew it was wrong. If he cannot accept or admit to that much, I do not see how you can continue.

If one of the partners believes that the other's actions are sufficient to be deemed cheating, then in that relationship, it is cheating. He failed to inform you of his activities on the affair sites (I assume that he went beyond registration and was actively seeking other women), and the fact that he was exchanging raunchy messages doesn't help matters.

His failure to do so shows that he either didn't feel it was your business, or he assumed that you would be angry and hurt upon hearing of his activities. Since you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, it is your business. Despite this, you essentially manhandled the information from him, displaying an extreme level of distrust and underhandedness.

You are both rightfully angry. I would make a genuine attempt at speaking to him and discovering why he needed to sexually express himself away from you. Your relationship obviously needs work. The trust is lacking, and he is seeking satisfaction elsewhere. Above all, know what you are willing to allow, and do not sacrifice your own sense of happiness by allowing him to explore his 'fantasies' away from you if the idea is emotionally troublesome to handle.

He was a member of the #1 place for people looking to have affairs and he was emailing hookers on Craigslist (the streetwalkers of the Internet.) Do you really believe that he wasn't fucking around?

Go get STD tested with him and request that the doctor uses an extra-large cotton swab for his.

He cheated first!
Flirting online is different from having affairs

I agree that it is different however it seems that this went far beyond flirting. I would say that describing sexual activities you would desire to share together surpasses flirting in my eyes. Looking at porn, reading erotica.. fine, I am open to my love doing so. Cybering with another person, not cool at all. I unfortunately have been in a position where I was cheated on in this manner and it was truly a heart-breaking experience. I realize that some people may have differing opinions on this subject as far as what constitutes cheating. The bottom line is following what is agreed upon by the couple in the monogamous relationship is the correct choice.