My girlfriend's too fat, but I love her (I'll go to hell for this post)
 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 years now and we've a pretty great relationship with lots of love and support. Even after 4 years we're still very touchy-feely and we still do lots of things for each other like making nice meals, going for walks, buying presents etc. She's easily the greatest girl I've ever gone out with and I can imagine spending the rest of my life with her...

... except there's one little problem: she doesn't seem to care about her weight, and I do. I care lot. I care to the point that it's really stressing me out... and I find myself caring more and more about it with time. This is one of the reasons we haven't had sex for about 9 months (I think she feels my uncertainly and reacts to it by not wanting to have sex with me) :sad:

I know we're all bombarded by impossibly-perfect ideals of how men and women "should" look and I know they aren't achievable unless working-out is your full-time job. I'm totally cool with that, and my previous girlfriends have generally been a nice womanly shape and not waifs. But they've also been fit, and they've at least been light enough to pick up! My girlf is technically "obese"; she's about 35% body fat and heavier than me.

I love her so much, but no matter what approach (passive... persuasive... logical) I take I can't help her to lose weight. What do I do? Do I break up with her? Do I take hypnotherapy to cure me of these thoughts (and if you think this, are you saying I should endorse something that's bad for her)? Is there another way to help her lose weight?

Gah, I feel so bloody shallow :shakehead: I really really need your help.

Well, I'm sure she is aware that you feel this way, and it's killing her self-esteem, which is not going to inspire her to take better care of herself, so you're basically stuck as far as I can see.

I have to wonder if you really love her as much as you say/think you do. For me, any time I've been in love with someone, I may notice physical flaws, especially at first, but eventually I just stop noticing and appreciate them for who/what they are--basically, they become attractive to my eyes even if they weren't at first. But, again, that's just me.

As I see it--and I'm not trying to be insensitive or anything--this is your problem, and not hers. Sure, she should probably try to lose weight for health reasons, as probably a lot of us could stand to, but she should NOT be put in a position where she feels she has to for you to be attracted to her.

(sorry I've edited this so many times)

Makia, your reply pretty much summarises my feelings about the whole situation. And yeah, it's definitely my problem - that's why I need your help.

Except the love thing, though. I know that "love is blind" and all and it really is - I'm madly in love with all of her little foibles and I'm probably completely oblivious to the rest. However, the exception is this one thing. This one big thing. This one big unhealthy (physically and mentally) thing.

Well, at least you admit that it's your perception that's the problem instead of blaming her. Sorry if I came off as judgmental or snarky--I admit I have a hard time seeing this from the perspective of the male.

Maybe you have self-esteem issues of your own, and they're manifesting as an obsession over her imperfections? People who are insecure have a tendency to pick apart the flaws of others. Not that I'm an expert or anything, just a thought.

I disagree. Feeling attracted to your partner is absolutely required for a relationship to work. This Love-is-blind is a great ideal, but does anyone want to have sex with someone they are not attracted to physically?

I'm not saying she has to weigh a buck and a quarter for him to have sex with her, everyone has different tastes. She does, however, need to understand that needing to be physically attractive matters to you in the relationship.

The sad reality is in her current state, she has less desire to lose weight (and resolve the issue) than to do what is required. Losing weight is difficult, it takes a lot of dedication and hard work. However so do relationships.

To be honest, I think it's clear you either have to get over it, or have A Talk.

And I don't mean get over it by deciding to put up with it, I mean get over it.

I'm guessing this isn't going to happen, since it's been so long that this has been an issue for you.

If you have a talk with her, I'm guessing that using the word 'fat' is likely to be a quick way to end the relationship, and you have to understand that this is likely a relationship-ending conversation no matter what.

If she *does* want to make a change to her weight and physical fitness (not for you, but for her), then maybe you can work something out that you do together - diet, exercise, etc that you do as a couple.

I second this. If she wants to stay with you and keep you happy (which should be done vice versa) than she should take the extra effort to lose weight. The way you describe her, she doesn't care and sees no reason to try, and I can't help but find that ridiculous. It's one thing to be lazy--me sitting on the computer or playing COD4 all day is lazy--but it's another thing entirely to not care about yourself or those around you. Heck, if I got fat (snowball's chance) I would completely understand my girlfriend dumping me, because that would show I obviously don't care.

I think you're perfectly justified in what you're thinking. Not so much from the fact that she's "fat", but from the standpoint that its perfectly acceptable to want to be with someone who is physically fit. It shows their ability to care about themselves and their well-being, which is important for a healthy body and mind.

A talk is definitely necessary. You could try to put the spin on it that you're concerned for her health and well being, and emphasize that losing weight will make her feel significantly better about herself as well. Seaver made a great point in that its a way for the two of you to do something beneficial together, and your continuous encouragement and guidance throughout diet and exercise will also show your dedication to her.

@Makia - don't worry, you didn't seem judgmental. I'm probably going to hell for this anyway. As for self-esteem, I don't think it's that.

@Seaver - exactly. I very recently saw a picture of her when she was a teenager and much slimmer and she was STUNNING. She's still very attractive, but the whole fat thing is a real passion killer for me now.

@RetroGunslinger - that's the thing that really gets me. It's not actually how she currently looks that's the real killer (she was overweight when we first dated) but the fact that despite being told by an expert 2 years ago she was "obese" and she's done nothing serious about it. But it hasn't stopped me loving her - it just really winds me up how short-termist she is about it all.

@BearCub - I've tried that, but I have a suspicion I'm really crap at it because I've had really limited success. I've tried the "good for you" thing, but then this is a girl who drinks about 5 pints of strong beer every friday so "good for you" rarely cuts it.

Pity I can't afford a personal trainer for her, because I suspect that'd help loads.

I don't disagree with that at all, but I don't believe that anyone should lose weight for the sole purpose of fearing that weight gain is going to be a deal breaker in their relationship (speaking hypothetically--not saying that's the case here).

My point is not that he has to learn to live with how she is and somehow magically become attracted to her--it's that if her weight is this big of a deal, then this relationship can't last.

i think i´m going to disagree with makia on this one. i think it´s understandable you want someone you love to be the best they can be, well as you perceive it anyway. she does sound like she is seriously overweight (obviously i can´t ask for pics to make a proper judgement) so i think the health angle is definitely a worthy point. may i suggest you lead by example. if you want her to work out then work out with her as it will improve her fitness and you´ll be fitter for it as well and if she sees an improvement in you it might spur her on to do the same for herself. but kudos for caring :)

consider how shallow this is from a long term relationship perspective.

from a dating perspective.. sure it's fine, the commitment is up until there is a dealbreaker.

from a long term relationship perspective, the dealbreakers are of a much higher standard.

continuing from the long term, she's going to change, you're going to change. life will change both of you and your circumstances. this means becoming different people from what you are now in some fashion being it physical, emotional, mental, financial.

i know we've had a discussion like this, but if weight is a dealbreaker for you now, what happens say when you decide to settle with a woman takes care of herself etc, who follows what your desire is and then finds out later she has a thyroid problem. There's little she can do but gain weight, it's not her fault...

I think I'm beginning to see everyone's point, even if I can't directly relate to it.

I very much agree with the idea of leading by example. It's hard to want to lose weight when someone is just demanding it from you, but its different when someone wants you to do it WITH them.

I think a big part of his problem is that his girlfriend's weight is something she could control given some amount of effort. At least that's what I got out of it and if that's correct, than your example holds no real credence. Having a thyroid problem isn't laziness.

i don´t think he ever said he said her weight is a dealbreaker. and it´s hard to say it´s shallow without evidence to judge by. saying she´s clinically obese means that her weight is significantly over normal weight. i went out with a girl who was a bit overweight and tried to help her improve her figure. that wasn´t the dealbreaker, her personality was the dealbreaker.

@Cynthetiq - It is totally shallow, yes, and I've no problem admitting that I want the girl I love more than anything in the world to take better care of herself.

However, a thyroid problem and apathy are two very different things. Assuming it is indeed apathy, which it may not be, but it's definitely not a thyroid problem. Thinking about it, perhaps that's the problem: I don't even vaguely understand why she doesn't take better care of herself. Hmm...

God I so wish you were right. The time I've spent helping encouraging her in gyms has made me very fit, but not really done a great deal for her. I think she does find gyms boring though, which is to be understood.

@lotsofmagnets - yes, that's the case.

By the way, the title of this post was only meant to be eye-catching. I think most of you get the gist of the problem.

that's what my point is... is that in the longer trend of the relationship you'll have an idea as to what is acceptable and what is not, and what the root of that really is.

the physical problem trounces the apathy in some way right? or if it doesn't makes it extra clear to you what is important to you, as shallow as it seems but it is still important to you.

I believe since I quit smoking in 1997 I gained 10lbs, since I quit drinking 2 years ago I gained 20lbs...

I didn't really change my excercising habits (I live in a major city so I walk all the time) and over the years my income has increased so I do go to restaurants more often.

am I taking better care of myself? or am I not? taking care of ones self is a challenging concept...

@Cynthetiq - I understand your points much better now. I think I agree.

I am not sure what advice I can offer but I wish you and your SO the best.

I have a feeling though that even if she did lose the weight that she will feel resentment towards you for past behaviors (good or bad). I would like to see her lose weight to be healthier and feel more positive about herself, if she can't do it for herself, she'll never be able to do it for you.

We all have deal breakers.


So you both work out together?

Okay, I reckon I'm getting some awesome insights here on the emotional level. But do any of you have any advice about keeping healthy in an enjoyable way? I like going to the gym, so it's no problem for me, but I'd love to help her find something she'd actually enjoy.

BTW, thanks for all your thoughts. If only all forums were this good!

Tough place to be in.

I will say from a girl's perspective, I have had some of this type of conversation come up. In my case, the weight was gained after the relationship became more serious, due to a variety of factors.

I will be honest and say that I was very hurt when comments were made that the guy did not feel I was sexually attractive to him, but that he loved me 100% otherwise. Immediately, my own perception of my attractiveness skyrocketed down, because I also agree that sexual attractiveness is an important feature for a healthy sexual relationship, which we had had before having these comments made.

Now is the tricky part: deciding what to do about it. It is not his decision for me to lose or gain weight - who knows, I could be perfectly accepting of the fact that I'm not going to be the same size I was in high school - being fit may very well be the goal, instead of also reaching certain size dimensions.

If this is really that big a deal for you, I really think you need to find a new relationship. Unless you are willing to compromise with her and encourage her weight loss by actively noticing the positive changes and reinforcing those - both to her and yourself, she is left in the position of feeling like unless she stays at a size 6 forever, she is in danger of losing your attention.

Cyn made a good point about health concerns - maybe also consider her reaction if something was to happen to you. Say you had an accident and were unable to exercise since you had to stay off a foot, and gained 20 pounds. It happens. Would you fault her for finding you less unattractive, even though you are being ordered by a doctor to stay off the broken appendage for XX amount of time?

i find cycling to be fun and quite a workout. drive less and walk more i suspect would also help (after 5 pints of strong beer she shouldn´t be driving anyway ;) ) perhaps just look at what you do day-to-day and see what you can do in a healthier way in terms of both food and activity.

I might encourage her to try belly dancing ... I have really come to love it, and it does wonders for toning muscles and areas that I cannot reach as successfully in the gym.

@amonkie - I managed to lose a reply about the whole accident thing. The gist was along the lines of "I'm okay with the accident thing, what I'm not ok with is that lack of desire she has to be her best".

I do feel really really bad for these feelings and how I must be affecting her. If it's going to work it's going to take effort. I don't know really where I went wrong before - when she was working hard in the gym I was encouraging her loads and rewarding her (on many different levels) when she was doing well. I think she gets bored very easily though, and she grows weary of positive stuff quite easily if it requires effort.

Besides, I'm not looking for her to be size 6... I just want her to care enough to actually do something about it and stick to it for long enough to see some serious results.

So if she went to the gym 3 times a week and just walked on the treadmill or sat on the bike, but still didn't lose any weight, would that still be a problem for you?

there are many people I know who do just this... they say they go to the gym, they "excercise", they "eat right"... no change.

@cynthetiq - that's precisely what she does when she goes. And yes, it does bother me. If I smoked normally 24 cigarettes a day, how impressed would you be if instead I smoked 20 a day for 2 years? There's trying and there's trying.

(I don't smoke, by the way)

Yes, this is very true. Many many people seem to think they have thyroid problems or "the fat virus" where in actual fact they do no exercise and eat like a horse.

That's why I was thinking maybe a personal trainer would help. I'm not a great personal trainer, I've found. Wish I could be though, because we can't afford one.

having a bit more of a think about this. from my perspective a relationship is based on mutual respect and it certianly doesn´t sound like she´s respecting your opinion. perhaps you need to think about the state of your relationship. i´m not saying "dump her fat arse" in the least but your description is starting to draw striking parallels to my ex (who was only slightly overweight) and the weight was a symptom of rather than the root of the problem which turned out to be the general person she was (and probably still is.) maybe you need to sit down and talk to her in a concise manner outlining how you feel so she can see from your perspective. after 4 years of relationship you should be able to cut to the chase and know how to do so without being offensive.

I think talking to her will also help you discover just how much she loves you in return. If she discovers the extent to which this bothers you, her willingness to at least try to change her lifestyle and become physically fit, you two have probably got a chance. If she immediately dismisses the concept of even trying to get healthy and begins accusing you of "not loving her", etc etc, then odds are, she's not remotely committed to the relationship, but rather, she's attempting to just cling to you because she fears her weight and appearance won't get her another boyfriend.


Back to your question of fun, healthy activities:
Rock climbing (look for indoor walls in your area)
Swimming
Hiking
Martial Arts classes
Sports (something like a mens/womens mixed softball league)
Rollerblading/rollerskating
Sex, if you can manage it
Cycling as mentioned
Geocaching (really adds something to the whole hiking thing)

I'm sorry, but I'm going to stick with my original post.

It would be a different world if it were something she could not control. She did not gain 30lbs in 2 weeks, which would be what a thyroid problem would imply. She did not turn diabetic, or have any other medical problems.

She drinks 5 pints a beer a day, and only walks at the gym. "She gets bored easy" sounds like she's lazy at home. She stopped caring, and you've been convinced (in the first two posts at least) that you're an asshole for not appreciating it.

My personal feeling is 9months without sex... it's time to break it off. Only you know what is good for you though.

I'm sort of curious as to what your day to day is like. Given that some people are prone to gain weight more easily than others, but is she sitting around eating large portions and downing beer while you're having a salad and water? After the issue of sexual attraction and health go through, I think you're possibly looking at serious lifestyle incompatibility. If you're generally eating a lot of meals together and spending time with each other - that would seem to be an issue. If you want to go for a walk in the park, and she wants to watch TV or something...

It's not shallow not to be attracted to someone due to obesity. You've already stated how you feel about her and quite frankly you should get some sort of metal for going 9 months waiting for her to get started on the right track.

35% body fat is obese. She could have cardiovascular diseases, diabetes mellitus type 2, sleep apnea and osteoarthritis in her future if there's not some sort of lifestyle change in the near future. It's rarely easy to get in good shape, but it's never impossible.

If I may suggest? Exercise with her. Make it something that you both do, and that you can share. I can't tell you how many times I've hiked with girlfriends. It's great exercise and gives us plenty of alone time. Then you can share a shower later.

Those are interesting points. We spend lots of time together and cook for each other (I cook the main meal normally, as cooking's a bit of a hobby of mine*) and eat together. I don't think our lifestyle is fundamentally different, it's just that I motivate myself to doing things like keeping fit and she doesn't. I guess that's the main problem: we'd be so great together if it wasn't for that, but it's become a really big thing.

*And yes, I've tried reducing meal sizes.

Thanks for that. I was beginning to think I was crazy.

She sounds depressed.

Exercise will help that. The best way to go about it? Model healthy behaviors! Get yourself up and going, and start doing active things as a couple. My boyfriend was key in encouraging me to be active when I was trying to lose weight, and the activity will lift her mood. It's so much easier to be active when you have someone to share it with. We hike, we bicycle, we walk, we go to the park and throw a frisbee or kick a soccer ball around. At home I've become his abs coach, since I'm the one who's taken all the Pilates and yoga classes.

If you're going to model healthy behaviors, make sure that extends to nutrition as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You can't expect her to take your advice on healthy behavior if you're not sticking to it yourself.

There doesn't need to be a conversation about how you no longer find her attractive--yet. Just say you've decided that you need to get some exercise, and encourage her to join you. Structure the activities you do as couples to include some physical activity.

Yeah, I was thinking this earlier. I mean, she's "happy" in a general sort of way, but I think she has a tough time being excited about - and committing to - the future. Her mum's the same, which is a bit worrying.

i was going to say the same thing as will and snowy-

do some activities together. if not sport, learn to tango or salsa or something. im sure youd both enjoy it and so would your love life.

you can lead a horse to water, but she's gonna wanna have to drink it herself.

despite all the suggestions to do stuff together, more often than not I predict you'll run in to her whining or, to avoid seeming like she's whining, will suggest a non physical activity "Oh you know I really wanted to go see this movie instead" type of thing.

You've gotta be tough on her if she has no self disipline.

or accept her as she is.

I agree 100%.

Was she overweight the entire time you dated?

I know personally, I couldn't stay in a relationship that was so pressured to change your appearance. I would feel that it was VERY unstable and that I could lose the person at any time.

I guess I want someone who loves me for all I am, which includes my weight. I feel for her, I'm sure she's going through a really hard time mentally right now. I can't believe it's lasted for 9 months even.

My suggestion? Play some recreational sports. They're really fun, not as high pressured, but at least get you active. I really enjoy playing softball and volleyball because it's not centered around exercise, but you get some while you're doing it.

Has she ever been to individual counseling? If she is indeed depressed (which is also my suspicion--what's with the 5 pints of beer on a regular basis?), then that's the issue that needs to be addressed before the weight is ever going to come off.

And then there's the issue of body type. Not comparing her to what she was in high school, but to what her ideal weight would be NOW. I do think that there is a "good weight" for most people to be at, even if it's not super-model thin. For me, I've been hovering around the same weight for the last 10 years, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to change (doesn't matter if I'm working out, doing hard runs daily for months on end, or doing absolutely nothing aerobic whatsoever--my body composition changes from fat to muscle, but my weight still does not change). I don't know if it's the case for her, since obviously "obese" never = healthy, or ideal weight for anyone, but maybe if she had a more realistic goal, then she could be motivated to get it down.

I'm also thinking of my college roommate, who was a big girl but still did crew (rowing is one hell of a workout) for 3 years, 2 hours every morning, and also ran 2 marathons in her 4th year... and she always LOOKED pretty big, you know? She could never get rid of her rather noticeable double chin, no matter how healthy her body was... and she had German genes, so she just had huge arms and thighs, tummy, etc. But she could seriously kick anyone's ass, if necessary. My best friend is also a round, rather stout Filipina-American, and she's always been extremely active with sports (competitive swimming, tennis, running... she just finished HER first marathon, too), but again, her body shape never changed. She still looks very chubby and round, even if she can run for 27 miles with no problem. Both of these people ate very healthy, not large portions at all, so I know it wasn't the diet. They were in good shape. But they still "looked" fat. And guys did hold it against them. So what are their options?

Just some thoughts.

My 2 cents? Ultimatum time.

Nine months without sex, you don't have a girlfriend anymore. You just have a friend who is a girl.

You should tell her that she needs to meet you halfway here--you'll stick with her if she does these three things:

1. Stop drinking. I mean it, none at all. It ruins your blood sugar, a beer is worse than sitting down and eating a bowl of table sugar.

2. Get at least 45 minutes of exercise DAILY. You can break that into two chunks but don't listen to people who say it's ok to spread it out in 5 minute intervals over the day, your body's metabolism won't budge unless you force it to.

3. Discuss mood issues with her doctor. May I recommend Wellbutrin - one of the very, very few antidepressants that actually cause weight loss (most cause weight GAIN). It affects the brain chemicals that have to do with motivation and pleasure, and will really her get off her ass.

Thanks for your advice all of you. It's encouraging, in a weird sort of way, that I've thought pretty much the same as all of you from one time to another.

Regarding the body shape thing, yeah it's true that you can't do a great deal about that (I'm slim and will never be especially muscular, but that doesn't bother me), but the fact is she has a really large waist, a high percent body fat and doesn't do enough exercise and that equals bad health (probably). Saying "I'm ok with your shape" feels like I'm condoning her bad lifestyle and encouraging her ill health and I just can't do that.

Still, it definitely makes sense to follow up the depression angle; I'll see how that goes.

@acetylene - 100% with you on that. Feels like sound advice to me.

Im probably going to regret replying here cause this whole thread is ticking me off but...I do have a few questions.

How tall is she? How much does she weigh? Is she on ANY medications? Was she heavy when you started dating her? (if this has been answered I missed it, all I saw was you say that you saw pictures of her when she was younger). If she was heavy and this is such a big deal for you, why did you start dating her?

Has she been to a doctor to get an extensive check up? There are many reasons we women gain weight and then cant get it off again, I know of what I speak. 3 months for me of working out 6 days a week, making more healthy choices on what I eat...grilling instead of frying, steaming veggies etc and I have managed to lose a whopping 12 pounds.

I'd love to hear her side of this

thats actually not that bad. thats still 48 pounds in a year.

keep at it. It's hard, I'm not saying this as a hoity toity weight loss expert either, but thinking long term is the best way to go.

and I don't wanna speak for the OP but i'm pretty sure he specified that she had gained the weight over the course of the relationship, which is actually kind of normal in relationships. People get comfortble, stop feeling the ned to impress thier partner, and let themselves go, which leaves them in a bad place.

the other thing is, in the short term you'll actually be "trading weight" instead of losing weight if you're working out. Muscle in place of fat, muscle is denser, weighs more, but also burns more.

you can't measure in pounds what true "success" looks like, you can measure it in how you feel and look.

Self-discipline. Mutual Respect. Trying Harder.

We all like to point the finger but we should look at ourselves first.

And people may change....but only so much. This goes for both of you.

I'd say if you feel this way now, after only 4 years (it may seem like a lot but...)...

I have to really be blunt, from personal experience, about it: it probably won't work out in the long-term.

Not if she's happy as is, and you're not. You can both try...but resentment will grow on both sides, almost surely.

And this doesn't mean to say I think you're shallow. People should have what they think they need or want. Just make sure you really do know what you need.

If it's not mostly rosy in the beginning, it probably will never straighten itself out. Sorry to be negative.

But good luck all the same. There are always exceptions...and we can all hope for that.

First off, ditch the self-flagellation. It's not doing you any good and there's no point to it. You have your standards, and that's okay. See, this is one of those personal responsibility things. Your girlfriend is fat. Bottom line, no mincing words, that's the issue here. And barring any ongoing medical issues, being fat is her choice. A very small portion of the population has no control over this; for everyone else, it's a matter of not being willing to make the necessary changes because 'it's too haaaaard!'

Which is bullshit.

I mean, I'm all about personal liberty. She's free to live like that if she wants to. But the flip-side of the coin is personal responsibility. In other words, you can choose to do or be whatever you want, but you've gotta lie in the bed you've made. You deal with the consequences. One of the many consequences of being fat is that most guys aren't attracted to it, and that apparently includes you. If she's willing to accept that then good on her, but it raises the question of why you should have to accept her 'flaw' because she can't be arsed?

What I'd be getting from this if I were you is that your relationship just isn't worth the effort from her. She doesn't deem it important enough to get off the couch and go for a walk every day, or to cut the sweets out of her diet. That would be sending a pretty poor message to me about her opinion of me, and instead of all this crap about 'oooh, my girlfriend is fat and unattractive and I'm a bad person for noticing this' I would've been out the door a while ago.

You're not going to wake up one morning and magically discover that fat is sexy. Some people do think fat is sexy, and some people are just totally indifferent to it; clearly you don't fit into either category and you're not doing yourselves any favours trying to in order to be politically correct. See, because the other side is she's not terribly likely to wake up one morning and decide she's going to run a marathon either. It's clear at this point that she's made her choice on how she wants to live her life. Maybe she'll change someday or maybe she won't, but if you feel like gambling you'd do better to buy a few scratch tickets. They're more fun and you won't be staking your future happiness on them.

You can try telling her it's the weight or you, but don't be surprised when she doesn't pick you. If it were me I'd just skip that step.

Agreed. I actually think 12 pounds is damn impressive, Shani! Whenever we started a new rowing season in college, a lot of the "openweight" women (as opposed to "lightweight," which are official categories in competitive rowing--based on a very strict weight line) usually took at least 2-3 months to BEGIN losing weight... SERIOUSLY. And they were hitting the gym hardcore, in addition to rowing 2 hours every morning. It just takes that long for the body to change fat to muscle in a way that shows up on a scale.

/threadjack, sorry... but hey, 12 pounds is nothing to sneeze at!

Birth control may effect weight or a bunch or other drugs do.

12 pounds is 42000 calories and I would agree that is a perfect maintainable and healthy weight-loss plan. You aren't doing something that you couldn't stick with.

For the OP, I would agree that you both need to give up beer (I'm not sure if you said you drank or not). It isn't fair for her to have to give up something if you keep doing it in front of her. Give up soda and high-fructose corn syrup as well, artificial sweeteners too. It will be tough for the first week to drink just water, but you will save money. You can blame the high-fructose corn syrup for most of the massive increase in obesity

Two, think of this as an engineering/physical training problem. She may not need to know your plan just now, but do physical activities 7 days a week (just start slow). Whether it is talking a walk around the neighborhood, exercising, anything that isn't sitting or sleeping. If she doesn't want to go, you have to go without her. After a week, if she doesn't go with you, it is time to say "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't do stuff with me." Look up a lot more info on exercise plans on-line.

What you eat and drink will have the biggest effect on it. Drink a lot more water and natural foods. If it grows in the wild, you can eat it in it's natural state.

*(you don't just change fat into muscle, your body uses the energy stored in the fat when it doesn't have fuel readily available in the bloodstream. You body has to need to build muscle by stressing your muscles to the breaking point.)

here´s a thought. given several members´ recent talk about their weight loss and given how damn fine they are lookin´ now i strongly suggest you get your g/f onto tfp in the next 10 minutes or less. the only conclusion i can draw is that regardless of whether you are male or female, tfp makes you hot :)

Update:

We had a "long talk" last night and it's pretty clear she is really depressed... Her depression seems to be the cause of quite a lot of things, now we've had chance to reflect on it, so hopefully once that's sorted everything will be good again. I think it's going to be a long process, but at least we went to the gym together this morning for the first time in months.

Thanks for all your thoughts - you've all been a great help.

That's actually pretty awesome! That's a fast but healthy rate to lose weight I think.

that's great... that is ultimately the part that was missing from all this mix.

communication with the other person.

I object to this -- I was absolutely no help at all and damn proud of it.

If she is depressed she needs to seek treatment for that. I'm curious as to how this conclusion was arrived at, but I suppose I'll have to trust that you know how to spot the signs of clinical depression.

I still have a sneaking suspicion that It'll All End In Tears. I've been wrong before though, so who knows?

Mosquitoes never bite me, because I'm so bitter.

You're right about communication, but to be more specific what I needed was insight - and that's where you lot have been so helpful. It's hard to ask someone something without knowing what the question is.

Sorry to tell you, but you were nowhere near as unhelpful as you were hoping ;)

Okay, I have to chime in on this one, as it hits close to home in a way. When my husband and I met, I was a single mother of one that wore a size 4/6. I was in good shape, (partially courtesy of a quite physically demanding job as a pastry chef-if you think all chefs are fat like on the Food Network, you are wrong!!!), and we made a deal-I told him on our first date that I would put up with no cheating, no lying, and no drugs. His deal-breaker was...if I got fat for any reason other than medical illness. So, fast-forward to today, 6 1/2 years and almost 3 kids later. I did indeed develop a thyroid disorder that went untreated for about 6 months after our 2nd child and I did indeed gain weight. We had 2 children 11 months and 3 days apart and I stopped working and just didn't care for myself the way that I should have. Things went okay for awhile, but I noticed my husband just wasn't as "into" my body as before. After 2 years we finally had it out and he stated that I had "sorta let myself go" and it was a turn-off to him. WHOA-what a wake-up call. It hurt to hear, it still stings almost 9 months later, but, boy did I need that kick in the ass. The only downside was that I happened to be about 6 weeks pregnant at the time and really couldn't do much about weight. However, it has helped me keep my weight in check thru-out this pregnancy and in a funny way reminded me how much my wonderful husband really loves me. Would a person who didn't truly love and care for me go out on a limb and say something that they knew would hurt me and could possibly ruin a loving relationship, but that I needed to hear? I don't think so!!! So, to make a long post short, I believe that it will hurt your girlfriend to hear it, I believe it will hurt you to say it, but I believe that you both need this issue out in the open. Those who posit that "true love" isn't based on looks are crazy. Looks and attraction, while being VERY personal, are very important to any intimate relationship. Denying that is foolish. If you do truly love her and care about HER well-being and health and quality of life, then by all means tell her your feelings, but do it in a gentle, loving, kind, direct way.

Hmm... I think we should've had a deal like that! :-D

This story is good. I think I'll use it as an anecdote if you don't mind.

I hope I'm NOT sent to hell - but I just can't get Weird Al's Song out of my head -- hope this helps - but how ?

Artist: WEIRD AL YANKOVIC Song:
Fat Album: EVEN WORSE(1988)

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown

Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout ..

Just now tell me once again who's fat

When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat

If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house

You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat ...

To the OP, keep in mind that this is an issue you will get completely different advice from men and women on. It is an incredibly sensitive issue for women.

I've had the pleasant surprise of talking to a few women about weight who didn't it personally, but they were by far the exception rather than the rule. I appreciate that the TFP women who have posted thus far have managed to keep it civil.

For my advice? You absolutely have to tell her or leave. Those are the only two feasible options.

The flip side, of course, if that you have to be willing to held to the same standard as her.

One thing i haven't seen brought up in this thread is male/female tendencies in relationships... what fullfills them and what their needs are.

for most girls it's about attention.... feeling valued, listened to, and appreciated. of course a girl can get turned on by a hot guy, but especially in a longterm relatioship, it's most about their emotional fullfillment, and they just don't need that physical visual attraction quite as much as guys do.

what guys tend to want most is affection. this can be attained from emotional things like being appreciated and listened to.... but even more its source comes from sexuality and physical contact... and there's a very strong visual element to this, so they're much more driven by physical appearance when it comes to being turned on.

so every guy has to draw the line somewhere personal for themselves, and if she's crossed yours, don't feel guilty demanding she get back on the other side of the line, and don't feel guilty moving on if you have to.

I think it'd help to have some numbers here....

say, she's 5'5" tall and 160lbs...I'd tend to think it's your problem
but if she's 5'5" and 250-300lbs it's a health issue.

don't mean to be crass about it. my gf has gained about 20 lbs since we met. my problem w/ her is she's batshit crazy.

boink I already asked for the numbers and unless I missed it, I never got a reply

Interesting coincidence--I came across this article the other day:
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.asp...id=6&GT1=26000

What's even funnier is that just about all of the advice in it was the same stuff that people here said.

Touche, touche.

Unless she's a rather muscular 5'5" woman, 160 is still overweight.

Actually 160 is only a few pounds outside of the normal range for a woman that height.

I knew a girl in high school who was 5'7 and 170 lbs. She was built like a brick shithouse, but not muscular. Soft in spots, but my jaw hit the floor when she told me her weight. I wouldn't have given her anything over 120.

While I don't have a ton to add to this, but I do feel that those who say things along the lines of "Looks shouldn't matter in a relationship" are so full of shit.

I'd be willing to bet 90% or more relationships are started due to a initial physical attraction. That attraction that led you to that individual just does not disappear when you fall in love. If it goes away, so does part of the love.

But the love is what helps you try to bring that attraction back.

Being fat is *most* of the time a choice. A choice that is unfair to the other person.

Talking solves problems, actions solves problems, being nice and holding your tongue because you should love them no matter what does jack shit.

I'm glad you've worked into the next step of many for your solution. Just don't give up until you've tried everything, or worst cheat on her.

That's the thing--some people weigh a lot more than they look, and some a lot less, due to bone structure, muscle structure, body types, etc., not to mention that everyone's perception of what "looks" or "sounds" overweight is different.

So it's not as cut-and-dry as only knowing someone's height and weight. (of course, there are extreme cases where it would be obvious, but I'm just pointing out that it's not as simple as some people think).

My situation is slightly different, but close enough I suppose.

My current wife was absolutely drop dead hot when I met her, she put on a few pounds after we got married, but was still just as beautiful, and frankly, I like thicker women, curvier hips that sort of this. After our baby was born we both put on a little bit of weight, to the point where I was unhealthy, and I was having back problems. We agreed to both help each other, and work at it together. After about 2 months, we had both lost about 20 pounds, and she just stopped. But I kept going and this was almost 2 years ago. I lost a total of 88 pounds, and have a flat stomach, in the best shape of my life at 30. I had the extra skin removed from my stomach and chest.. I continue to work hard to stay that way. But she didn't, she's done nothing, and she put back on everything she lost, and even gained some more.

Well, I'm a firm believer that just because you get married, you should never get comfortable, and take your partner for granted. You shouldn't just assume because your married, he finds you attractive. I'm sorry, but a huge part of any relationship is being attracted to your mate. On a mental level, that's never been a problem but physically, she just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Call me shallow, whatever you want, but 80% of these people who say that shouldn't matter, are completely full of shit. Most relationships start on a basis of looks anyway, why did it matter then, and it shouldn't now? Why did you ALWAYS try to look your best for that person, and now that doesn't matter?

It should matter, and it does matter.

Now, we are separated, and I've met the most incredible woman I've ever met in my life - and while I absolutely adore this woman, I can't commit myself to her. She's become my absolute best friend in the world. But, my heart still lies at home with my wife - I miss her everyday, I miss my family everyday, I've cried myself to sleep like a baby, but she has no interest in improving herself, for herself, or for me, and as much as it pains me, our papers are in the courts as we speak.

Wow Kurant, that is a terribly sad story, but it goes to show you that you really can't change how you feel. I'm very sorry to see that it had to end that way for you!

I second that statement, I take it and it's a terrific motivator and I did lose weight.

I'll say up front that I haven't read through the thread, but I am in the exact same predicament as the OP, except we've been together for almost ten years, not five.

What I've done up to this point is reconfigure what I find attractive. I would prefer she lose weight, but I've been fairly successful at programming myself to find heavier women attractive, even to the point where I find myself giving hot, skinny chicks dirty looks, like, "ugh, way too skinny."

I've moved from being a breasts man to being an ass man; and just in general my taste in women's bodies has dramatically shifted toward "thick." A women that weighs less than 140 pounds just doesn't do it for me anymore (unless she's 5-6 or shorter).

Point being, I suppose, is that it is possible to control and manipulate what you find physically appealing. I'd still prefer if my gf lost weight (some 20-30 pounds would be nice), but I don't find her repulsive in the least - I've literally cultivated a preference for heavy girls that I never had before.

UPDATE

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I posted here and you lot gave your awesome and varied responses.

I can't remember the circumstances exactly, but we ended up having a "big discussion" about stuff. We covered all sorts of things, but mainly how she was depressed and how that wasn't helping her be motivated about anything - including losing weight.

That conversation was definitely a watershed moment; not only has it made us a lot closer, but also we've both been going to the gym (willingly!) almost every day. There's still a lot of issues to resolve, but we're both very motivated to solve them and - most importantly - solve them together. We are a lot happier now, and things are looking good; I'll keep you posted.

--- About the "fat" issue ---

Quite a few of you wanted to know how heavy she is and what her dimensions are. I chose not to reveal them because I didn't want a debate about what is "fat" and what isn't; in terms of % body fat, she is "obese" and that's all you need to know. It turns out hiding that this information was probably a good idea, as some of you have a radically different idea of what is overweight and what isn't, e.g.:

In the UK, 160lbs for someone who's 5'5" is classed as "morbidly obese"... I can't even imagine what you'd call 300lbs (about 150kg); that's about ¼ the weight of my first car!!! I mean no offense by this, it's just that I cannot comprehend how you could think it's my problem when you quote those figures.
Furthermore, it's not just her weight that was the issue; her body tends to concentrate extra weight at her waist (she's "apple" shaped) and that has been proven to be associated with long-term health problems.

Much rather have apple than pear. :)

hey, no offense intended by what I said...I was only trying to get an idea of what your talking about...and honestly since I'm no Dr. and have no experience judging peoples weight if you had posted some sort of ballpark figures I'm not too shure that'd mean anything to me anyway.

but it may have been useful info for somebody else replying who does have some knowledge about it.

either way it's great bolth of you have been able to get your feelings out on the table and take some positive action about it. good luck with it !

You're wrong. I'm no longer on your side if you think someone 5'5" and 160 lbs is morbidly obese. Overweight, sure, but not even close to obese. Perhaps you're thinking kilos?

@boink - no offense taken; sorry for singling you out ;)

Lesson of this story: a) communicate b) work out what to communicate about by asking the people of this forum! :D

160lbs is approx 80kg, in my girlf's case her body shape (most fat in the middle, less on the bum and thighs) would give her a percent body fat of between 35 and 40% (linear guess from her real dimensions). Is that healthy? Not according to every source I've checked on the web it's not. 160kg would be unimaginable on someone that size. In fairness I did exaggerate a bit by using the word "morbid". More info here and elsewhere:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_fat_percentage

These figures vary by about 5% from country to country - in the UK, 30% and 32% seem to be the upper limits.

Didn't I mention body shape already? You can't possibly go by weight only, and since she's had both IR and caliper methods I put some authority on those numbers (i.e. doctor and gym trainer) rather than guessing across the web.

Also, if you look above you'll see that my main problem was not how she looked (although that does matter, for sure) but rather than she wasn't motivated to do anything about it despite knowing it's unhealthy for her.

Not sure this adds anything to the main issues of the post, but I think it's good to try to get my case across if we're going to start debating what's healthy and what isn't.

nice to hear things are getting on track :)

keep us posted

I agree: it is very important to emphasize that she will feel better about herself mentally and physically when making healthy choices about her body. Be careful that you don't insinuate that you are turned off by her; it could back fire in horrible ways. I have known woman who loose the weight and stay the same "incredible girlfriend" only to dump the current boyfriend and move on with their new found self esteem. It's very important to let her know you are walking this path with her.

Congrats!

There is one great diet that you can get her on. You can also try it. I want to talk a bit about bio first: the foods that we eat today may have lots of adverse chemicals in them that may cause your gf to be fat: she has slower metabolism that you do and that makes her gain weight. Here's the diet:

1. Make her eat organic only!
2. Make her eat 5+ times a day, small portions.
3. Make her NOT eat after 6 PM until morning.

1 Month and you will start to see the difference.

I can attest to this. Worked great for me. Never hungry while losing weight. Each meal must be balanced with the correct amount of protein, carbs, fat (yes, some is needed), etc. I had around 30 lbs melt off in about 3 months. Of course, I added working out but changing the way I ate (NO SNACKING) made the big difference. Coloric intake is the key.

it happens in love.. . :thumbsup:

All I can really add is this, either you want to be with her or you don't. If she doesn't want to lose weight she isn't going to, if she doesn't want to tackle her depression she isn't going to its that simple. It would seem the ball is in your court at this point. Either you accept her as she is and encourage her to get healthy for her own sake or use it as a clue that the two of you are not ment to be and move on.

yes,, that may be much better idea... :grumpy:

Obviously, this is an old thread and the OP seems to have found the guidance he was looking for, but we've still never heard (or seen) how "obese" this poor woman is. We don't know her side of anything - we know only what her boyfriend has told us.

Take a look at these pictures (crap image quality, sorry):

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/107...youngthang.jpg http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/5076/meandronnie.jpg

That's me in 1985. My longtime boyfriend at the time complained that I was too heavy (oddly enough, I weighed 15 lbs. MORE when we met, four years earlier).

Fast forward about five years. I'm still the same shape/size. I meet a man who pursues me vigorously. After about four months of dating, he begins complaining that I'm too heavy, and why don't I go to the gym with him, and I should eat more Lean Cuisine meals and "I'd like to be able to see your ribs" ... :shakehead:

Somewhere in this thread, the OP stated that his girlfriend was heavy when they first began dating (I don't recall seeing anything about her suddenly getting ginormously obese after the fact, although this could be the case), so he apparently didn't think her weight was an issue when they met or he wouldn't have pursued the relationship.

So... exactly who changed?

Everyone has their own idea of what an ideal physique is. If you find bones that jut out to be attractive, do not "settle" for a thin woman and try to get her to emaciate herself for you.

If someone's physique is more important to you than your feelings for the person, you need to recognize that your priorities are messed up and you need to deal with your own issues - don't lay them at someone else's feet.

Bottom line - love me for what and who I am RIGHT NOW, not for that effed-up image of me you fantasize about and wish someday I will become.


Sorry I'm being snarky, but I've been the girlfriend that is "too fat" more than once (see images above).

marlons mom - ronald reagan pursued you vigorously?

but seriously, i agree with you. if he started dating her when she was obese, that he's got no right to ask her to transform into his latest fantasy.

:lol: Shhhh! No one's supposed to know!

I was on a college internship in DC when that pic was taken, but Ronnie had such a... flat personality (HA!) that it just didn't work out for us.

We'll surely never know, but I hope my story resonates with others - "fat" is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes the beholder has terribly distorted eyesight.

I think that a consensus of male TFP users would declare that you are, in fact, not fat and that they would react to you like the cartoon wolf reacted to the cartoon redhead.

Also: Damn, girl.

Hee hee heeeee!

Thank you! :icare:

It seems very notable that one biological fact has been ignored here. Men are basically "hardwired" to be aroused visually. Is it realistic to tell a man that IF he loves his woman, that the size and shape of the body to which he is going to project his passion presenting a diminishing stimulus is something that he can "get over"?

I think that might hold some water in the early stages of a relationship but its ridiculous to think that men can't become attracted to a women for reasons other then her physical appearance. Having a girl with a spectacular body is great and becomes the icing on the cake when you find out there is something substantial beneath...when there isn't it gets old really quickly. The sex becomes routine and boring and you're left with what? Arm candy who doesn't even get you off anymore and thinks a deep conversation revolves around discussing the drama on this weeks American Idol? If men where that susceptible to biological urges nothing but looks would matter and no relationship would survive once the sex gets old, age sets in or somebody more attractive comes along. We men can and do get past our biological urges all the time, it certainly isn't an unheard of or unrealistic concept to continue placing a high value on a relationship once looks start to diminish.

Regardless what other option does a guy have in a situation like this? You can't force somebody to lose weight or change their appearance because you want them too. So what are you left with? You come to the conclusion that she means so much more to you to you then a great pair of tits and accept her "flaws" and all or you break it off and find somebody who does have a great pair of tits. I would bet most people would choose the former rather than the latter more often then not if they are really in love.

If you are unable to experience the same level of attraction to your girlfriend, you should first ascertain whether or not that is solely due to the obesity. Could you be reacting negatively to her sexual inhibition, or perhaps a perceived lack of effort on her part to physically improve? If so, maybe you could cease drawing attention to her obesity, express more physical attention, and initiate sex with greater frequency. You might not be as excited in the bedroom at first, but if she senses that you still want her, I would guess that both her mood and willingness to lose weight will naturally improve.

I can back up this statement. The physique depicted in the two photos approaches my ideal and is highly attractive, particularly your facial features and thighs. Of course, nudes are required for a more informed opinion, as the clothing interferes with visual assessment. :thumbsup: