how many partners is too much?
 

hey tfp'ers

i'm sure this has been asked before. but where do you guys draw the line?

i know its nearly impossible to get an honest figure out of the opposite sex, but i found out the girl im dating has been with 50 plus guys.

that really turns me off, as amazing as she is i dont think i can have a serious relationship like that.

agh. so confused.

That's a bit too many for me. Most here would probably tell you that it doesn't matter and why can't people enjoy sex without being condemned for it, blah blah. I say if it really bothers you and you don't think you can be with a girl who has had that many partners, move on and find somebody else. I probably would.

i just fucked up by trying to ask.

its done.

Obviously she wasn't able to take it seriously either.

i think as long as she's disease free everything is fine, but if she's been with that many guys she might have trouble being faithful.

All I can say is that her answer makes me feel like I've spent too much time on this computer. :sad:

I'll throw a random number in there. If these are serious relationships and not casual dating numbers, 5. For me, too many makes me believe the other person isn't really into having a relationship, or is just really bad at reading other people. Too little (as in, none) seems a little scary, as it can mean socially sheltered or unable to trust people. These are all coming out of my bum as I haven't dealt with this experience, and again, my number is fairly arbitrary. It really depends on the person, their experiences, and how comfortable I can be with them (and especially with myself).

I really hate these discussions, people assume soooo much

Can a woman have a serious faithful relationship after having soooo many partners? Well when I was younger my number was more than double the OP and lets see...my first marriage 13 years and I have now been with Dave for almost 5

make out of that what you will

Would you all be responding the same way if a girl logged on here and said, "How many partners is too many? My boyfriend has been with 50+..." (Okay, maybe a few of you would respond the same way, but seriously... watch the double standard and the role of your ego.) This is the same old question... why is it so much more "troublesome" when women sleep around than when men do? Why should someone's # of partners indicate something about their faithfulness? I don't get it.

Threads like this are worthless without Worlds King chiming in with a request for the girl's phone number and the opportunity to add to her number.

The real answer depends on the asker, not the girl. Apparently she's fine with what she's done - she should be. Personally, I couldn't care any less.

One while unprotected and not having both been tested or one while she says she's in a relationship with me. If she's smart about it and is just having fun responsibly, then she probably knows all the best tricks and exactly what she likes. Someone who stays faithful when in a relationship and never lets themselves slip up and get an STD because they were too drunk/rushed/horny to bother with protection has shown a lot of self-control and the ability to stay smart under pressure.

Why would you draw a line? That's awfully judgmental.

If you care at all, you should get to know her. Save the judgments for yourself.

Too many is when you feel uncomfortable. As long as your fine with it then proceed.

I agree Jewels but at the same time after dating my girlfriend for a month I knew it was something very special and there were still a million little things I didn't know about her.

And for the record, unless she has some sort of related health problem, previous partners is small potatoes in my books.

But if I found out she had a history of serious drug use, and I cared about her as much as I did, I think I couldn't keep from being honest with her about my feelings. This might be judgmental but I think it's just honesty. Plus, something that makes you uncomfortable, when you care about someone, continues to hinder your already great relationship.

But, dude, if you just met her, and you care about her but you can't find a way to be ok with it, then be done with it; don't drag it on, it only gets harder.

Everyone has there own deal breakers; I don't think it's our place to judge what they are.

I didn't mean to sound so harsh in my post, but sometimes we make drama where there is none. Shouldn't people look at each other as they are now?

I'd be curious to know if the OP asked her how many partners she's had.

Recent sexual history and mindset is probably also more important to me than what they did five years ago. 15 partners (10 in the last month all strangers) vs 50 partners (3 in the past year, all serious, and 45 while in college), for example.

i never ask because i don't care. she is with me now. plus no matter how many she says it will always be too many for you, or you'll be thinking she is low balling it.

better not to know imo.

I would be responding exactly the same way. This is taking responsibility for one's actions.

I don't care how many people you sleep with. Fuck every man/woman in your town if it makes you happy. I do, however, reserve the right not to date someone based on such activities. Why would I intentionally enter into a situation I'm not comfortable with?

So, yeah. I don't care how many women any given man has slept with for the same reason I don't care how many men a woman I'm not interested in has slept with. It doesn't affect me. If I'm interested in a woman, then it does have the potential to affect me and in that situation I may make a judgement (that judgement being generally restricted to 'I would/would not get involved with this person'). It has nothing to do with gender except insofar as men are exempt from judgement from me because they're not people I would be getting romantically or sexually involved with.

EDIT - it should be mentioned as well that here, as in most situations, context is important. If a woman has racked up 50 sexual partners by the time she's 20, that's going to raise a red flag for me. By the time she's 45 it's someone less remarkable by virtue of the fact that she's had more time. One every six months is much less alarming than one every six weeks.

Three questions for you (or anyone else who feels this way):

1. What about the numbers makes you uncomfortable? Specifically. What's the red flag?

2. Do you ask her how many partners she's had before you date her or when you're about to sleep with her?

3. At this point, do you know her well enough to know if she's telling you the truth?

It's partially an emotional reaction. It's also a suspicion that I may be just another notch in the bed post, along with a healthy dose of respect (or paranoia, if you prefer) for the potential consequences of promiscuity.

If it hasn't come up in conversation prior to that point (which it might've, since I tend to be a pretty straightforward guy) I will ask before sleeping with her. If it just happens, then I'll be very firm about proper protection and save it until after. It's never actually happened that way, though.

My own days of promiscuity are well behind me at this point (and I didn't rack up anywhere near 50 partners). As a consequence, I don't generally sleep with people who I don't know well. Given that honesty is a key personality trait for me and that I've gotten very good at detecting lies, yes I feel confident that I would know if she lied to me and that we would have a problem if that were the case.

Thank you for your honesty, Martian.


This surprises me. I have never ever had a guy ask me that until we had established a relationship.


Maybe hers are behind her as well?


20's okay but 3o or 40 isn't? Wouldn't you really evaluate the situation, the girl and the relationship?

If I were a heterosexual woman with my sex drive I have now as a man I'd be somewhere around 300 ;)

As someone who has been around the block, naked, I can say that I wouldn't be horribly put off by 50, but thats NOW.

Were I much younger I know I'd have been freaked out by it and most likely run far far away.

Just do what you are comfortable with, its not about logic, its about what you want in this case.

I've never understood why people get so hung up on numbers.

if numbers mean that much.. quit watching porn.

and it's already been said, but it bears repeating.. it's all about being safe. if a guy or girl wasn't safe then 1 is too many.

My problem with multiple one night stands is that you don't get the chance to know the person you're with. Maybe that person could become the love of your life. But if you're constantly jumping from one bed to another, you don't have time to know that person, and you may be missing out on a potential lifelong love affair.

Instead of being concerned over the number of partners one has had in one's life, maybe we should be more concerned over the level of happiness achieved with each individual.

There you go, well said.

For me, it wouldn't be any sort of deal breaker in real life, but I would say if I had the fantasy option of between being with a perfect woman who had had 50 plus partners and being with a perfect woman who had been with 5, I'd choose option B (in terms of a long term relationship at any rate).

I agree and personally I don't think it's any of their business. I would refuse to even answer the question, that is a number only I know.

PS: I would never ask him either.

I really think it shouldn't be an issue...if you care about someone, something like that shouldn't bother you.

But then I'm not here to judge, as everyone has their own opinons on things like this.

Ha ! this reminds me of the closing lines in the movie -- Don Juan DeMarco --
when after this long journey and adventure - he reunites with the woman of his dreams and just before they are going to make love, finally and live happily ever after - she stops their kissing, and says - 'Wait, before we do this, I must know, Don Juan - have there been any other women you've been with before me ?' and he thinks for only a second -- gulps and goes for honesty and states - "Yes" ... and she looks at him for more information - and he continues ... "Yes - oh love of my life - there have been exactly 1 ---------------------------------------------- thousand, 5 Hundred and 62" Ha !

:thumbsup:

Well, it certainly tells you something about the person, but what it tells you is filtered by your preceptions and prejudices, of course. There are a lot of different ways to interpret that data. However, I would submit that having a clear understanding of your current, personal relationship with her is the most important thing.

I'd love to be able to say it wouldn't matter to me, but honestly it would concern me a bit. I'd at least like to know what motivates that person I'm interested in to be so active with different partners (and *definitely* how healthy they are). But at this stage of my game, and especially since I'm attracted to older guys, I suspect this will be something I eventually will encounter. Like Martian says, the number will likely be higher for those who've had more time, heh.

This is a question that should never be asked in my opinion. Without wearing the shoes of the other you can hardly judge properly. Can your partner remain faithful to you is the better question.

Establishing a relationship does not necessarily mean having sex, and getting an answer to a question (any question) has a lot to do with how you ask it. I've never had a problem with this type of discussion and, being somewhat forthright and as a consequence finding the most happiness with others who are the same way, I've found that in my past relationships the subject has often come up of it's own accord.



This is why I stressed context. On the other hand, there are some things that I'm simply not comfortable with and I would be doing myself and the lady a disservice if I attempted to initiate and maintain a relationship in spite of that. One can't have a proper relationship with a person who they can't comfortably get involved with, after all.



Context. This is precisely what I said. I haven't ever narrowed it down to one specific number, and I doubt there is one that applies to all situations because this is precisely what occurs.

If I'm honest, I've never actually had an issue with this; but then, I've also never dated a girl (or, more accurately, slept with a girl) who had 50 or more partners. I think that would make me uncomfortable enough that it wouldn't be a viable relationship option. These are my feelings and I apologize that they're not particularly rational; feelings rarely are, after all.

My wife and I had the discussion.

I have been with over 200 women.

At first she had an issue with it. But the ammout of women I have had sex with is not who I am as a person.

I enjoy sex, but I am also Faithful. Sex is something I engage in Easily, emotional connection is something I take more time in.

In My head Sex is an Action and Love is an Emotion I try not to confuse the two.

Steel

**When we married I was only the 6th guy she had been with, I had honestly lost count after 200**

Good to know. So if the tables had been turned, and it was your wife that had been with 200+ men and you had only been with 6 women, would you have felt any differently? (Sincerely curious.)

quoted for total truth in my eyes

:lol: I was just going to ask the same question. :lol:

It really cracks me up that a user named 'silentbob' is asking this question... it really should have been 'Dante'.

I don't think there is a limit for me. I'd rather someone have a lot of partners vs. a lot of serious relationships, because that's what I've had.

∞
____________________________

Redlemon beat me to it! ROFL!

anyways, the number doesnt really matter to me.

in fact I would probably be more hesitant to do it with a virgin then I would a girl with more.

I would like to think so.

It is really hard to answer that question because at 6 partners I didn't feel the way I do today. I mean I understand you point and it is Valid. The real issue is the point where you UNDERSTAND your sexuality.

Some men are Threatened by sexually experienced women, somehow they get it in thier head that they don't add up, that somehow someone else will be better or that they have to be MIND BLOWING to make the cut.

Something you only get when you have had sex with a LOT of women is the knowledge that Sex is for enjoyment and you really don't HAVE to be the Biggest, or the Best to be the most memorable.

Some things I have learned that might help some of the guys who care about numbers.

First off I am a 27 year old white male with a very AVERAGE Penis, You will never see me in porn nor will I ever be some girls erotic fantasy. I am Overweight and I am rather goofy, so why have I been with over 200 women?

Because I TALK to them, I get to know THEM not thier tits and I have no desire when I first meet them to be the sexual activity of the year for them.

I stopped trying to be some PornStar Wanna be and realized that most women know what they want but the guy doesn't care. If you LISTEN to them before during and after sex you can become the best partner they have ever had.

Most of the girls I talk to complain about the same thing when it comes to guys.

First the Pretend to care about the girls needs
Second they do what gets them off and then leave the girl hanging
Finally they actually ask "So was that good?"

My wife was worried about the amout of women I had been with especially because I have a Latex alergy so I went and got an STD Screening for her, it didn't matter as we were having sex before it came back but still I willing to do that for her and that ment a lot to her, she SAID she was worried about the women but she was really scared for her own safety. Then she thought that she wan't going to square up to the other women.

Truth be told when it comes to the Male orgasm the woman kinda just needs to be there. As soon as she saw that I was able to get great orgasms from her more than what she was used to she was finally more conent with the amout of women I had been with.

I would like to believe that I would be okay if I had only been with 6 and she had been woth other 200 but one thing I would know.

Is that OUT OF 200 GUYS she was NOW with me.

Don't shut the door on something just because you can't deal with her past. instead look at your present.

Does she make you happy?
Do you enjoy being with her?
Do you think about her often?

Then what more do you need to start a LONG TERM LOVING Relationship?

Just my two cents in a Sea of pocket change.

Steel

I don't see a problem with having a conscious personal limit of sex partners you find acceptable for you and your partner. Why should it be strange that someone would want to be with a partner who values sex in the same way that that her/ she does? I think the problems arise when you become hypocritical and put stricter limits on your potential partner than you do yourself. That disparity is a sure source of conflict. Also, for ladies who are concerned with the double standard that it is acceptable for a man to have had more sexual partners than a woman, I suggest that instead of complaining about it realize that the power is in your hands. You can decide whether or not you will have sex with a man who has many partners. If men are allowed to think that its okay for them to have many partners, but not a woman. Then you are equally allowed to think that it is okay for a woman to have had many partners and not a man. When you simply blame a socially constructed "double standard" you admit defeat and accept it as unchangeable. It's completely in your hands to change that on a personal level.

My 2 cents: Numbers are not relevant.

What was wrong with 50? Did you feel inferior? Did you see her as unclean rather than adventurous?

Oh, believe me, I knew the power was in my hands, before I got married. When I was a virgin, I chose to not have sex with a man with many partners, though it was for other reasons (his extreme emotional imbalance and insecurity, which manifested itself in his having an uncountable number of partners--which is not always the case, but it was this time). I did choose to have sex with a man who was a virgin, and I had only been with one person before that... and while neither of us cared about each other's backgrounds, it certainly didn't hurt to have a similar background of experience, if that makes sense. I married that one. ;)

My problem with the double standard is that deciding someone's current value based on their past is ludicrous. You don't know a potential partner's life experience. Their values and priorities can change. There are so many extenuating circumstances and the human experience should allow us to grow and learn from one another.

I find it so ironic that many here have stated in previous threads that they didn't feel it necessary to "tell all" to their partners, yet something so personal to each of us is important to know before sleeping with someone new. :orly:

I think "too many" is too many for the person to handle, its subjective...

Kim Jong Il has a 2000 woman harem, divided into Happiness, Satisfaction, and Joy Teams

Am I the only one that noticed how many women have a problem with this whole number deal? Just an interesting sociological phenomenon, women tend to bear the grunt of this issue.

If you ask me, numbers don't really matter since it only takes one to give you something. I think that's a weird way to judge people and if you're trying to justify not dating someone there must be better things than a number to take issue with. Maybe that is my atheist upbringing talking though.

I'd be uncomfortable with a woman who has had too many partners, although I don't really think there's a cutoff point. I'd like to think that I have a noteworthy place in her list of lovers, above and beyond being Mr. Right Now. Ideally, I'd like to be the best she's ever had, but I could settle for being the beast at a particular act. I'd like to know that she shares something with me that she's never shared with anyone else. I wouldn't want to get done fucking her with my A-game and have her think "He's good, but not as good as that guy I hooked up with in Cancun." That's a lot less likely when she's had four partners than when she's had fifty.

For me its about how valuable the relationship is to the significant other. Its hard to believe that someone with 2-3 boyfriends per year will stick around through good times and bad, and values you as much as someone who has had a few long-term relationships that never worked out.

The other thing to think about is not how many but why there were so many. I'd rather know that i'm with someone who went through some sort of shitty phase and slept with a bunch of people rather than a pattern of never maintaining a "boyfriend" for more than 6 months.

I just went through this exact ordeal with a girl that said she slept with 20-30 guys by the age of 26. her longest relationship was a year and a half, she started having sex when she was 14. It was hell. I hated the feeling more than anything else I had ever experienced before. It soon became clear why there were so many ex's. It became clear that all the praise as being the best at everything from sex to intimacy was not as sincere as she made it seem. many of the feelings she had for me she had with other ex's early on in her relationships. I found out over the months that she cheated on them, that she even cheated on me, she lied constantly (caught her after I looked through her facebook and email) i tried to break up several times, she eventually slit her arm one day when I tried to end it because of the lies. I foolishly stuck around even after that and around the 8 month mark, she dropped me like a bag of rocks when she "needed time to reflect".

its been over 3 months since i last communicated with her and it still hurts as much as ever. It feels even worse when I know that i'm just another statistic, someone else is or soon will be hearing all the sweet things that I was made to believe.

by the way, I have only slept with 6 and I'm 30. I'm not holding a double standard here, I tried to make most of my relationships work and for whatever reason they did not. I have never been hurt by any of them like this particular girl, but they never had anything like this girl's baggage.

I wouldn't avoid a relationship knowing that the girl had many partners, but now I will take that as a sign to be very cautious. I would never even remotely want to know anything about the past until i was sure that this girl was someone i could trust.

You determine your worth by how many men she can compare you with and keeping those numbers low makes you a better lover?

I think, inBOIL, you're the only one to come out and say it (kudos for your honesty!) but this is the underlying issue for the men that have a number in mind.

Instead of twisting the numbers to suit your needs, though, why not look at it this way: Damn! That woman's slept with 50,000 men and she chooses me? I am King Kong!

yeah, and how are you supposed to believe that she won't get bored of King kong 50,001 and look for something fresh with 50,002?

its not about the "number" its about what value the person holds in making that particular relationship work.

if you want to have a friend with benefits then yeah, numbers don't mean shit. if you are hoping to spend your life with someone who jumps from person to person everytime something isn't working out just the way they want it, then you're in for a disappointment.

shows that she was looking for a "serious relationship"......

shit like this is so not worth worrying about (except mebe on the std level)

So she's had 50,000 lovers (silly, but you get the point). She's 35 and just came out of a monogamous longterm (say 5 - 10 yrs) relationship. Would that change things? Would you have even listened to her story, or would the number have sent you flying out the door?

Men and women both often do things for the wrong reason, especially when we're young. Sometimes we grow up. That's why judgments based on numbers sucks and just proves we really need to listen to one another.

that makes it worth a try. 50,000 (or more realistically 20) spread evenly over 15 years says something else.

I wasn't going to post to this thread because it is a topic that occurs time and time again with no real answer or solution because it's a personal preference... But here I am.

Some things to consider...

What if she was gang raped and that was the only reason for her high number? Would that change how you would react to that number?

Does that physically change what is different about her?

And if you were with a girl that you really love and she tells you her number, are you going to leave her for that reason only? Consider that every experience she has had (not just sexual), makes her the person that she becomes. (This is the same for males as well)

And in response to Mead's comment about changing the societal double standards. Consider the following words. "Whore" and "Player"
Strange that we automatically assign a gender to each word, female and male respectively. Double standards are not changed over night, but if we don't acknowledge the existance of the double standard, then we have already lost.

Take this ad from the 20's as an example
http://bedazzled.blogs.com/bedazzled...1dd88794f1.jpg
Why is it only "loose" women we have to worry about? Why don't we have to worry about "loose" men? If something has been hammered into society for so many decades, intantaneous amnesia is not going to occur, just because someone says, "Well, it's up to you to change it!"

I mean, even famous lovers in history are practically all men, such as Don Juan, St. Valentino and Henry's Secret Life. The only historical sexual female that women have to represent them is Fanny Hill, the prostitute. Men have saints to represent them; women have a prostitute. It just doesn't equal up.

So, Mead, if you think that these "double standards" can be cleared up at any moment in time, I applaud you for your optimism.

It's not about the number. Someone who's had two partners could have no desire to make a relationship work just as easily as someone who's had many. In fact, I know many people who have had more partners and seem to be more dedicated to relationships when they find the right one. The fact that someone's had many partners doesn't have to mean that you're just a number.

I understand the opinions of those of you who don't like high numbers but I really don't like that you believe number can define a person.

Personally, I'd rather have someone with more partners, it means they won't be as clingy and they're probably better in bed.

Well, the higher the number of partners the less likely the act was something of high significance to the person. And that's ok but it does reflect one aspect of the person's thinking.

Rock on.

Hold up, this is basically the same thing as a person generalizing a negative quality with too many partners.

# of sexual partners DOES NOT equal better sex. Believe me. Again, its the person and whether they even give a rat's ass if the other person is enjoying the experience.

I can assure you, that with the "limited" number of partners compared to other men out there, you would find sex with me WAY more pleasurable than many of those 'players' out there. I have been having sex pretty much non-stop for 14 years. Even though i have not had lots of partners, i have had to learn how to please each woman, learn to be a better lover, basically find out how to make them cum and as often as possible.

The last girl, with the 20+ boyfriends was the worst partner i have ever had. Worst at oral, worst in bed, she handled genitals without any concern whether things were painful, enjoyable, nothing! So many times I had to say, "yo, that hurts!" She was the biggest disappointment when it came to sex. All she knew how to do well is get herself off, she never had to really learn to please someone else or seemed to give a fuck. She was onto a fresh relationship as soon as things got boring.

these generalizations whether for men or women are just more situations where you can be seriously dissapointed.

I think you should look for someone who is caring and looking for a long-term relationship. numbers are just illusions. its values and the quality that you should look for in the relationship otherwise likely one or the other person is just looking to get a short-term fulfillment.

It's not about determining my worth; that is independant of what anyone else thinks. It's analagous to wanting a partner who finds me very attractive, as opposed to just attractive enough.
Exactly. While number of partners doesn't determine this on its own, there is at least the underlying feeling that I'm not that special to her. It's not about measuring up to other guys per se, it's a desire to know that she's getting from me something that she can't get/hasn't gotten from anyone else. It's ridiculous and illogical, and that feeling shouldn't get in the way of an otherwise healthy relationship, but the feeling remains nevertheless.

Okay yeah, that was a pretty stupid comment on my part. You have a point.

But go ahead an apply that generalizations rule to the numbers thing. Make my point for me. :thumbsup:

i can't believe she didn't lie about it, that's what most of us do