Arguments and ridicule = relationship success?
 

I'm curious to hear how applicable this may be to others personal experiences.

We'll start with a little history.

For roughly 2 1/2 years, I dated a girl who I fought with CONSTANTLY. We would constantly poke fun at each other, openly express to the general public how much we thought each other were complete idiots, and would argue about everything from what we were doing that night, to what TV show we should have been watching. Then, in a long distance relationship, a breakdown in communication stopped most of the competitive banter, she fell into old drug habits, and the relationship fell apart after she was caught cheating.

Fast forward to the next relationship. There is no doubt in my mind, that girl #2 was chosen by me for being the 180 degree opposite of her predecessor. She was too nice, overly emotional, a total pushover. She would try to agree about EVERYTHING so as not to upset or offend me. When we did fight, it was about issues that actually have a significant affect on the relationship, and as I became increasingly bored with her, things came to an abrupt end.

Now move to present. I have come into a relationship which will be forced to endure 2 years of long distance, but both of us are absolutely thrilled with one another. In addition to being gorgeous, her personality is very similar to girl #1; a bit artsy, a bit strange, and chock full of competitive banter and insults, but without the history of drugs, infidelity, and drama that her predecessor had. She's basically my ideal match, and vice versa.


So all of this leads me to wonder... are these petty arguments, insults, and banter a necessary part of a successful relationship? Are there really people who have traditional enough values and beliefs that they can be happy without this competitive nature rearing its head with everyday conversation? At least in my case, we both enjoy the arguments and insults enough during our everyday conversation, that it takes any stress and tension over the "important" relationship topics away almost entirely. Could this really be one of those important keys to maintaining a happy and successful relationship with your SO?

good communication = relationship success

if your method of communicating was via snarky snaps at each other and you understand what it means, it's still communication. making snaps at someone who doesn't get them is equal to no communication.

however it happens, communication of how and what you are feelling is tantamount to conveying your thoughts and ideas to the other person, when it doesn't happen, the relationship suffers.

No two people agree about everything, and if two such people happened to exist/meet, they would be bored to tears by spending time with one another. If you never disagree, never argue, never fight, you either don't care or aren't trying.

I guess it depends on how deep the cutting comments go.

My wife and I, when presented with an audience, will take turns poking fun at each other. We find it amusing. In private this rarely occurs. Some of our friends in University were shocked when we got married because they thought we were always fighting... but to us it just wasn't the case.

To some people, the phrase "honey, you're a dumbass" can be the deepest wound you could ever inflict on them. To others, it is merely mild foreplay and warmly welcomed. It really depends on the couple, their history together, and the nature of the dialog exchanged.

My wife calls me a sadistic prick and this generally leads to some form of slap and tickle / hanky panky game we've come to enjoy over the years. I call her "graceful as a retarded kitten" and she knows I'm playing .. and then we "fight" about it, but in the sense that more slap / tickle will soon follow.

So really, it just boils down to the nature of the "insults" and their intended meaning. Saying you're a jackass and meaning .. har har, yer a goof or some such .. as opposed to saying you're a jackass and meaning .. pack mules got nothing on you .. is two entirely different interpretations that should be easily discernible based on the context of the "fight".

I definitely agree with Cynthetiq about good communication = relationship success, and that this type of dialog .. IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT .. is indeed very good communication.

I completely agree with Hektore. My BF are complete opposites but yet so similar. We constantly rip on each other and to us it is fun. We would NEVER disrespect each other in public or in front of others who wouldn't understand....that to us is crossing the line.

The beauty of our relationship is that we have such different views on the world. I see things through different view point because of him; for that I am ever so thankful. He too listens to my ideas and even if he doesn't embrace them he still respects me enough to entertain them. If you and your GF have that, you will be fine.

ChassisWelder, I'm glad you found what works for you.
Nope, pretty much. My wife and I agree on a huge range of issues. If there is a conflict, we discuss it. We have never argued or fought. We have been together for 20 years (married for 13), and it keeps getting better.

Not saying you other folk are doing it wrong, just saying this is what works for me.

My mother gave me the best advice many years ago:
Just being able to talk to each other is the most important part. Being able to distinguish between a casual jibe and a serious insult is also important.

Working together to find a balance and learning from each other is the only way to solid communication.

Yes, same for us. I mean, we don't constantly rip on each other, but teasing each other lightly is an endearing part of the way we connect and show interest in each other. We know what's joking and what's serious. And if we're having a serious conversation, some kind of conflict or disagreement, we have strict, implicit, mutual rules about what is "okay" to say during such conversations, and what is not. (E.g. we try to avoid being defensive, accusatory, using "you always/never" phrases, raising our voices, calling each other names, and we do try to touch each other gently as much as possible in the heat of the discussion, to keep things relatively cool and to remind ourselves that we're in this together.) We call each other's bullshit and attitudes during those times, to make sure the conversation never escalates into something extreme.

I grew up in a household where my parents had no idea how to communicate, and I never want to repeat their screaming matches, derogatory language towards each other, cutdowns of the worst kind imaginable, throwing things at each other, and stomping out of the house in a rage, EVER in my lifetime. To me, there is a huge difference between teasing/ripping on each other in an appropriate tone and context, and the way my parents "communicated," which was actually a reflection of their horrible relationship that ended after 17 very long years.

I totally disagree with this. In all the time Dave and I have been together (5 years, not as long as Redlemon...but still a good amount of time) we've never had one fight, disagreement or argument and our relationship is FAR from boring, and anyone that knows us would never say "we dont care" and neither of us is the type to "give in" to anything....but we've never had to do that with each other. Nothing even as much as the toothpaste tube being done wrong, or a toilet seat left etc.

So yeah...it CAN happen and NO it doesnt mean its boring

^^^Is this an S&M lifestyle relationship?

yep...but that doesnt really matter as we are both Doms lol