Would you be ok with your GF to be friends with an ex?
 

You have a girlfriend of over a year, and she is good friends with one of her exes. When you first got with your GF, you thought she rarely ever talked to the dude. But come to find out, they are better friends than you think, and they talk on the phone or text every other day or so, and occasionally hang out once every couple weeks or whatever with her, her kid, and the ex. Ive met the guy once at her sons birthday party. But we didnt really talk. She has invited me to hang out with all of them now after I had a problem with it. Because he only seemed to go over when I wasnt around at first.

Granted its been 3 years since they broke up, but they were together for a year and engaged or close to it. Would you be ok and let that happen, or would you prefer her not to be around him.

Now I dont like it and its caused problems for my GF and I. We were already having issues, and this just seemed to add to the problems. But when I say I dont like it, she turns it into me trying to control her and who she hangs out with. She tells me they are just friends and that I have nothing to worry about and that I just kinda have to deal with it. Now I know I have jealousy issues, but I feel she does as well, and its ok for her to hang with him, but I brought up hanging with one of my exes that I somewhat talk to and she said it was different, because my ex tried to steal me away from a girl I was with. Granted, she did, but my GF also cheated on her BF to get with me, so if we go by that logic of what people do in the past, then I have all the same rights to be worried about her hanging with him.

I really want this to work, but I hate knowing she has him as such a good friend and that she can turn to him when she is down or whatever. Plus I just think Id feel wierd being around him and knowing he was with her in certain ways for a year of their life. I dont want to see her past in person.

Maybe Im just the wrong one for thinking this way.

Now I know we have a lot of other issues, but this is just one that I wanted to get an opinion on for now.

I have an ex who has become a very good friend of mine recently. I didn't talk to him for 3 years after we broke up but he ended up working with me and it turns out we still get along really well. My boyfriend mean while said it's okay if I hang out with him, then about a month ago he brought up it being a problem for him.

I don't want it to bother my boyfriend that I'm friends with my ex, but he is just a friend and a good one. I would never date him again, he is my ex for a reason and he knows that.

My boyfriend is not normally a jealous person but he apparently has an issue with this. My opinion is that he needs to have some faith in me, he knows my ex too, and my boyfriend should realize that neither of us would want to hurt him.

So there's a woman's perspective on this for you, it's a slightly different situation but you get the idea.

Hrrrmmmmmm for some couples this kind of relationship would be ok, even acceptable or the norm. For the two of you I don't think it is healthy and I think your gf is putting you in a position of her controlling you, not the other way around. She is telling you what you should be comfortable with without recognizing the reality. Personally I believe that any relationship that begins with one or the other having cheated is doomed for failure as is but maybe the two of you are an exception. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to request she stop hanging out with this guy. It is up to you to stand your ground, establish what it is exactly you will put up with from her, and stick by your decision or find a new GF who thinks that you are all the man she needs.

In the general sense, no - I don't think it's a problem if my girlfriend is/was good friends with one of her ex-boyfriends. However, I think you need to ask yourself what exactly is it about her and this guy that is bothering you. If it's just because they had sex 3 years ago, I'd say get over it. If she behaves in a way that shows preference to him over you, or if she's doing anything sneaky, or if you feel that he's trying to move on your girl...then those might be valid reasons to have a problem with it.

One thing for certain - if you can't discuss these issues with your girlfriend without her making you feel defensive, you're going to be fucked. If your girlfriend wants to hang out with her ex, but not allow you to hang out with yours...I think you're fucked. I also think that if your girlfriend didn't anticipate that this might cause problems...then I think she's maybe a little naive or willfully ignorant. This issue always comes up in these situations, so I'd think the communication about it is important. My girlfriend would probably be a little concerned if I didn't have a little jealously if she's hanging out with an ex-boyfriend or a guy who we know is attracted to her. Not jealousy out of control - but a little bit is perfectly natural.

The biggest thing is that you be able to communicate with her (or him, cadre) about these things without the attack/defense mentality...if the emotions are there, then they should be dealt with. It also goes a long way if she would make a definite show that you and your feelings are her priority, not something you just "have to kinda deal with."

I'm the other side of this: I'm friends with most of my exes. I have no intention of getting back together with any of them, though. If their boyfriends are concerned, they're welcome to speak to me like an adult. I can calmly explain to them that I am a proponent of the code, and would never try to break people up.

That said, I am always protective and I have no problem protecting them from an abusive (physically, emotionally) boyfriend/girlfriend. If you're dating my ex and hurt her, expect a friendly visit.

Dear Ustwo: My boyfriend is being too controlling and doesn't want me to hang out with my ex lover. How do I get him to see that nothing is going on and he should let me have my own friends?

Clueless in Cleveland

Dear Clueless:

Maybe women can think they are innocent friends of ex-s but men know men.

As men we can be friends with women we find attractive, but we would like to fuck them too. If the right circumstances developed, we would, and if its an ex, all the better, its just one for old times sake right?

So as men we don't trust other men, even if we do in fact trust our Gf/wife whatever. Now depending on the situation and type of girl we are dealing with here, even if we trust you to not be looking for an affair, we might not trust you to not get a little drunk one night and 'make a mistake' with an ex, or even perhaps being taken advantage of.

So as a note to all you women out there who think its cool to be friends with a serious ex, don't. Even the most pussified, croc wearing, mac using, sensitive male will still not be 100% comfortable with it no matter what he says because its what sensitive males are suppose to say. They will still feel better if you stop texting the guy and going to movies together.

Now with all things relationship, there can be exceptions to this rule, and like all exceptions they are rare for a reason, so don't assume that just because the guy that took your virginity is now married and it was 10 years ago that your husband/bf should be totally ok if you guys are friends and hang out and do stuff together, or that its silly that he doesn't want to hang out with you and the guy who used to fuck your brains out and taught you all those moves.

May the Pasta guide you.
Ustwo.

You need to get over it.

If she wants to F-ck him, she will.

Read that again, if she wants to she will.

All you can do is trust her that she wouldn't do that to you. You know he would do that to you, but she has to consent. If she does then you drop her, if not than you have a keeper.

I wouldn't take the relationship seriously until she says she's "committed" to it. If she's anything like my ex, she'll screw 4 different guys in a week and call it good because she never promised any sort of commitment by it.

what he said...

This... This is great advice.

Yup. That's pretty much it, right there.

Yup, I'm a woman and I must say I agree with Ustwo.

I agree with this, it's a good standard to go by. And I definitely think that communicating effectively is important in this type of situation.

That said, Ustwo has a point also (and yes I always have that knowledge in the back of my mind).

Proceed carefully though, I find that people that cheat once often do it again.

Yeah, I came about this close |----| to saying something about you knowing that your ex would fuck your brains out if given the chance and some plausible deniability, statistically speaking...but thought I'd opt for the softer touch. so when i saw ustwo chime in, I thought the point was fairly robustly covered. I don't think that it's that we/I view all other men as out to fuck my woman with little or no remorse...only that a good number of them will at any given time, and you never know which other guy is having that time, nor whether they're out to get laid all the time or not.

I was friends with 2 ex-girlfriends in the past. Both times, the "new boyfriend" would eventually make his stand against "hanging out with the ex".

When it came down to it, it was simply explained that we were friends for a long time before we were a couple, and breaking up doesn't (necessarily/automatically) change that. Also, I met them in person to explain this to them and that was that. Still though, if the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I'd trust it if I were in their shoes. I think, however, I'd be hard-pressed to meet a guy I'd actually believe or trust as far as I could throw him.

This leaves the right kind of bad taste in my mouth in so many ways. Nobody trusts anybody. I might as well chop my dick off right now.

WOOO!

Oh, I think it can be done...only that the distrust is completely natural. Even if you dated my girlfriend beforehand, and you came and talked to me about it analog, I don't think that would change shit. I'd assume you were simply presenting your alpha signs by wanting to smooth everything out. I wouldn't tell my girlfriend she couldn't hang out with her ex - as seaver points out, she'll either cheat on you or she won't. I simply wouldn't completely trust you, despite the fact that I might respect your friendship and realize that you might be a great guy.

Especially if my girlfriend was doing shit that made me feel like she preferred you over me in certain situations. I think a lot of it comes down to what the non-verbal cues are like...at least in my experience. Some girls never make me feel jealous, some exes made me feel jealous all the time.

blah

I agree with Ustwo.

They may be an ex for a reason, but she will be reminded of that relationship consistantly. If they broke up on good terms, and your relationship is going through a rough patch, she could quickly decide to get back together with the ex. Or at least get persauded to break up by talking to the guy who has his own agenda.

(The genders could be reversed and the advice would be the same.)

When I'm done with an intimate relationship... I'm done. No friends. No talking. No calls. No x-mas cards. I bring the gasoline for the bridge burning party.

I don't live within like 300 miles of any of my old relationships. I don't call, text, e-mail, etc.

I figure that there are too many other things / people to interact with in life to be screwing with the old familiar one that just twisted the dagger in your heart / crotch / head / wallet. People are gluttons for drama. Say NO to drama.

I expect my partner to understand and respect that. I would hope they'd do the same.

i remained friends with most of my old girlfriends. it would by hypocritical of me to have problems with her remaining friends with old boyfriends. they may have had something in the past, but she goes home with me now.

That part to me is critical. It's one thing if your relationship is going great..you have a sense of stability, and usually the ex isn't perceived as a threat. But if you're going through a tough time, and the ex is still in the picture, of course it's very easy for it to complicate things. I'd understand that if I were in the OP's situation, and I'd back off with the ex until the relationship was worked out one way or the other...not say "deal with it..." What kind of message is that to the person you're with NOW? "I don't care about your feelings, deal with it tough guy..." That would probably piss me off.

As I am apparently one of four straight men in the world who can have female friends and not want to fuck them, I don't have issues with this kind of thing. I resent controlling types, and would never tell someone what not to do in their own life. I wouldn't have a problem with voicing concerns if someone's actions were making me uncomfortable, but in the end relationships need to be based on trust, and people need to be able to make their own decisions. If someone is going to fuck around behind my back, they're going to do it anyway.

Dave would be another one of the four Mr Self Destruct....I will never get why "men" have to generalize that "no man" can be friends with a woman without wanting sex

I am friends with a lot of my ex's...that includes emailing, hanging out, talking on the phone, texting etc....been that way for a long time and there has not been one "hook up" with any of them since the breakup...some people just make better friends than the other half of a couple

This may be true, but if you have trust (absolute) in your S/O then you would trust them not to put themselves in certain situations where the 'drunk hook up' happens. Trusting her in some ways and not in others is not complete trust. It's a dangerous thing to trust someone completely.

The issue so much isn't trust, its really not, the issue is comfort.

If its making your S.O. feel uneasy, even if logically he says 'sure I have no problem with it', why make him feel uneasy?

When I was dating my wife and we were pretty serious, she still had 3 years of college when I graduated. She was also in a sorority and had a lot of functions where it was expected you would bring your boyfriend/date to. I trusted her and I wanted her to still have fun when I wasn't there. I didn't trust random guys I didn't know so for the events I couldn't make she had 'safe dates' from my friends still in school. One of these guys scored a 97% on the purity test, they were of good character and close to asexual. If she was out with them I didn't worry about THEM trying anything. This wasn't me imposing my will she thought it was a great idea. She did have a number of guys after her while I was gone, including a TA and she was always oblivious. I felt better about the arrangement, she didn't mind, and everyone was happy.

I don't see this situation being a whole lot different. Hell I can imagine if my wife said 'well you are 300 miles away you can't come, so I'll just take my ex boyfriend, don't worry we are just friends'. Yea that would have been just special ;)

Perhaps somewhat ironically this is asking the woman to be sensitive to the guys feelings. IF it bothers him and he is 'special' to you, why the hell make him so uncomfortable?

Me too - they all still want me. It's a nice ego trip.

I should clarify she never really used the words exactly "deal with it".

It just seems that way to me because she told me nothing was going to change and that she wouldnt choose between us on who to pick. That she was going to be with me, and she was goign to remain his friend. So when she says that, it sounds like "deal with it" in my head, because nothing is going to change unless i can get over it and be ok.

All men want to fuck just about every decent looking woman.

Ex or no ex.

If I'm attracted to a woman and and she green lights me, I'll go for it.

If she is an ex and she green lights me, even if we broke up on semi bad terms, I'll still go for it.

If she's an ex and she has a current BF, and she green lights me, I'll go for it. The only way I won't go for it is if I know the guy and consider him a friend. (Man Rule No. 1 - Never fuck your buddy's woman.)

I am proud to say that I have never fucked a friend's woman. I've had 2 of them come on to me in a very serious way and I've gotten the hell out of there.

Also, I've remained friends with several exes, but I must be honest - I've fucked every one of them again at one time or another, sometimes years after breaking up with them.

I had one very serious GF who I broke up with after 5 years. She was having an affair. We split up, she moved in with the other guy, but every week or two, she'd come over to my place and we'd end up in the sack together. That lasted just over a year till she couldn't handle it anymore. (I rather enjoyed that one to tell you the truth.)

I've had several female friends over the years. I've slept with most of them at one time or another. The only way I've not slept with a female friend is if she has not come on to me or if she did come on to me and I was seeing someone and was devoted to them.

In short, you can't ALWAYS trust men or women. If the stars come into alignment, they're gonna do it.

You lost me there. I refuse to conform to any sort of predetermined gender stereotype, including the way men are supposed to act toward other men. I am loyal to my friends, male or female, and the rest of the world has to prove its worth to me before I give a shit. I don't owe anyone anything unless they earned it. On facebook and myspace I would keep getting invites to "Man Laws" groups until I sent messages back to the friends who invited me saying "Stop it, that shit is retarded."

Anything regarding dating a friend's ex would be based on my friendship with the two of them and how changes would affect myself and my friends, not some rule telling me "do not date your friend's ex."

Sound like 90% of the ex's personal life is your girlfriend. And was she hanging out with this guy without telling you? If I were in your shoes, I think I would have the right to know that my SO has been hanging out with her ex on a regular basis. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't see a happy ending here.

And by stars you mean crotches.

Just as long as you don't deny the impulse in your pants.

A who man has issues with his girl having male friends needs to see that a sign of trouble within himself or the relationship.

My GF has many male friends. She is great friends with her previous lover and keeps in touch with past boyfriends. I don't have any hang-ups about this. In fact I encourage it. The way I figure is that if these guys can go out of the way to entertain, do favors and pay for my girl's coffee's/dinners then that's time and money saved on my end. On top of this she gets to feel wanted and sexy from all the male attention.

If she breaks our agreement and sleeps with another man. Thats OUR issue. I'd rather spend my time making sure my relationship rocks cuz if I was a poor boyfriends she'd have no trouble finding another bed to sleep in and if she wanted to keep it on the down low she'd be damn good at it.

Yes, it makes a lot of sense to walk inches from a moving train and just making sure you keep your balance :confused:

As a female, I would be somewhat concerned if about my male partner if he was expressing concern about a simple friendship that I had. Now if I was spending enormous amounts of time with the guy, staying out at all hours and coming up with large numbers of excuses not to bed my boyfriend... then I can see reason to be concerned. If we just casually call, speak to each other at parties and the like and the boyfriend gets worked up about that. He needs to take a look at himself and his own insecurities.

If that is one's perspective on the issue then the next logical choice should be to lock a significant other in the house and make them wear a burka.

I can't imagine living in such a state of fear and worry.

Every relationship is different. Telling my wife what she can or can't do is a seriously bad idea.

I have a few ex's I stay in touch with, so does she. No big deal.

Well sure, but there's a difference between "keeping in touch" and talking or texting every other day, plus hanging out with an ex without telling your SO.

Ding ding ding! :thumbsup:

If she comes home to you, that should tell you something.