What did I do wrong? GF advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Shades · 06-10-2003, 10:15 PM

I have been thrown out tonight, and she made me take the DVD player with me (it was mine, I left it there to watch DVDs at her place). Here's how it went down:

I told her about something that happened on Saturday night. I went to a karaoke bar with some people I know, and she knew about it. What she did not know is that I got in a fight with one of them, and my brother took the person's side because he's fucking her (although not having a relationship! really!). The next day, that person appoligized, and I explained that I wasn't interested in her apology or her friendship- we weren't really friends to begin with, and after last night when she jumped on me out of the blue to forcefully grab a cigarette out of my mouth, which ended up burning my eyelid, I decided that she wasn't stable enough for me to be safe around.

What made my girlfriend mad was that I hadn't told her right away. She said that she didn't know we were in a need-to-know relationship. I tried to tell her that it was no big deal. Compared to the other shit that's been going on lately which I had told her about (fight with parents, probable rejection from Rice graduate school), this seemed unimportant. It had just floated up in my mind today and I told her.

I don't know what I did wrong. It doesn't seem fair. I'm really hurt right now, I feel too shocked to even cry. I love her, and I get tossed out like this. She said that she loved me. Where did it all go wrong?

chavos · 06-10-2003, 10:25 PM

Spidey sense gives three possible outcomes:

1. She has irrationally reacted to this one event, and despite your other information about her, is likely too unstable herself to have a lasting relationship with.

2. This is cover for her anger over other events, such as those listed above.

3. This story bugs her for some reason that doesn't seem apparent from this telling.

My guess would be number two. If my telepathy is in working order, communication between you two has gotten increasingly difficult and strained, and you've had an rising percentage of your conversations turn in to fights.

My condolences, and my advice to you might be to let her and you cool down, and to make a try at reopening some of that communication. That, and roses never hurt either. Best of luck.

Shades · 06-10-2003, 10:35 PM

I guess number two could be right. She's just been difficult lately. We were seperated for three weeks (going out since October last year), and then when we come back a lot of distrust seems to have sprung up between us. Like she questioned if I was just with her for the sex, things like she doesn't trust me so much anymore. I don't know why, I haven't cheated on her or given her any reason to think so, and I have been trying to get closer to her. She said that she didn't want to break up or anything, so I don't know what the deal is.

I don't know the right questions to ask or the right moves to make to try to get to the bottom of things. I've never gone out with someone this long or been in so deep (I'm 24 too!).

Thank you for the condlences. It actually did make me feel a little better.

-Ever- · 06-11-2003, 09:40 AM

Sounds like the girl has some problems with trusting you. You said that you were separated over random trust accusations, and now shes pissed because she though you were keeping something pretty irrevelant from her. I understand why she's mad, but I don't think breaking up with you just from that is justifiable in any manner.
Maybe she is better off letting go because of her trust issues. If you do manage to get her back (after a long struggle I'm guessing from what I hear....), do you think you will be able to cope with her trust problems? Are you willing? Because more and more lately, I've been noticing that many people simply don't change. At least not in the long run.
PM me if you need to talk.
Peace
-Tim

ganon · 06-11-2003, 10:51 AM

Quote:

[i]...and then when we come back a lot of distrust seems to have sprung up between us. Like she questioned if I was just with her for the sex, things like she doesn't trust me so much anymore. [/B]

This is a good reason not to knock boots before marriage, but that's another thread. Anyhow, sounds like intimacy, man. She wants to be the first person you go to to talk about stuff, and she wants to feel like you trust her enough to let her in so close that she gets all of the exclusives. Problem is, rather than being mature enough to actually TALK about all of this and make the relationship move in the direction she wants, she feels put out so she takes away your nesting priviledges to punish you for keeping her out of the loop. I see two approaches. You can sit down with her, talk to her and let her know that you do not intuitively know what is important for her to hear about, and what isn't, but that you trust her and want to let her in on all of the things she is interested in. Unfortunately chicks think we should be mind readers. The second approach would be to play it cool, take what she has to dish out as if it isn't any kind of punishment for you. You need to reach a point of caring disinterest. Let her know that you really love having her in your life, and that she means whatever she means to you, but never let on like you need her. It'll give you upper hand, and it'll drive her nuts.

Shades · 06-11-2003, 12:18 PM

I dfeinately hear you on the part about her wanting to be in the know, but the truth is I just didn't think this was that big of a deal. It would be like telling her that I wanted macoroni and cheese for supper a few days ago but had run out of milk. It's just a petty annoyance. The more I talk about it, the bigger it gets. Conversely, by not dragging it up every ten minutes, it just dies and goes away.

It's just that we can't seem to talk a whole lot anymore. Like I'm afraid that she's just going to get pissed and fly off the handle, but then by not talking it happens anyway. I feel like a big part of our problem is my feer not letting me do what needs to be done. Maybe she isn't meeting me in the middle, but I'm not there to meet her anyway so I can't claim the moral high ground.

She hasn't called me today. I don't think she's ever called after a fight. I don't think I'm going to call her today either. I wouldn't know what to say to make things better. Hell, I don't even really understand what's wrong completely.

Actually, I agree with you in theory that sex before mariage isn't great, because it puts fear about what the other person is really after and pressure to stay together that may not have been there. But we're young and stupid and can't keep our hands off of eachother.

I don't even know if we're broken up this time. She gave me back the DVD player once before, but it blew over.

ganon · 06-11-2003, 12:49 PM

I was young and stupid once too, so don't feel bad about that. Learn, padawan, and your pain will not be wasted! I'd call her up, and try to pick a time when you think you'll get her voice mail or answering machine (hell, she might not be answering calls from you anyhow) and tell her that you are there to talk, and that you would like to get things cleared up. You can always try the tried and true, and send flowers. Believe it or not, it actually works. But this time, don't settle for makeup sex, or any other kind of band-aid, try to get past the communication wall that is up. Just make sure she is responsible for her own feelings and words. what she feels isn't your fault, but you can help her understand where you are at.

william · 06-11-2003, 01:06 PM

Relationships are about trust. You say it's no big deal not to tell her something, but it obviously is a big deal to her. Something goes on in your life, tell her - what's the big deal? Hit her w/overload about every detail. She's not being too sensitive, she just cares too much. If you're not fucking around, it doesn't matter.

gibber71 · 06-11-2003, 07:19 PM

I hate to sound harsh,but really,..your 24 and how old is she? I think since you got into an arguement with another women(if I read your thread properly) your girlfriend feels left out since you didn't tell her the problem.Would she be so upset if you had an arguement with a guy and didn't tell her? It may sound silly,but think about it. My best answer,..if someone get's so irrated over something so small,then they want out.If you hold on,it could turn into a living hell.No offense,but I think she needs to grow up a little.

Tha Sewer · 06-12-2003, 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by gibber71
I hate to sound harsh,but really,..your 24 and how old is she? I think since you got into an arguement with another women(if I read your thread properly) your girlfriend feels left out since you didn't tell her the problem.Would she be so upset if you had an arguement with a guy and didn't tell her? It may sound silly,but think about it. My best answer,..if someone get's so irrated over something so small,then they want out.If you hold on,it could turn into a living hell.No offense,but I think she needs to grow up a little.

'nuff said.
little things are just that...little things. if something like that is blown that far out of proportion, then she really does need to grow up IMO. you shoulve probably told her everything, but do some things that arent really a big deal even worth saying? if she needs to know every aspect of your everyday happenings and blows up when you dont tell her, then youre probably better off without her. she might just want to be able to trust you or hear all about your day and whatnot, but somewhere there is a line of being really caring, really possessive, and/or really immature.

geep · 06-12-2003, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ganon
The second approach would be to play it cool, take what she has to dish out as if it isn't any kind of punishment for you. You need to reach a point of caring disinterest.

If this part of the answer sounds appealing to you I think you really need to get out of your relationship with her. While this might be a good way to keep her from having control over you, it's no way to spend a couple of years or even a lifetime.

Shades · 06-12-2003, 11:11 AM

geep: no, that second approach didn't really appeal to me. It would if I actually was just trying to keep her in the sack, but I want the whole bag of marbles so to speak.

She's 21, which I guess is a not-insignificant age gap. In my defense, I met her in a graduate class. Turns out that undergrads can sign up for it too under a different course number. Who knew?

I'm going to try to see her today. I'm packing roses and a fresh hair cut. Wish me luck.

geep · 06-12-2003, 01:28 PM

clockworkgreen · 06-12-2003, 02:46 PM

Things are never this hard when you finally find the person you end up with. Keep that in mind. These are signs.

Tha Sewer · 06-12-2003, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by clockworkgreen
Things are never this hard when you finally find the person you end up with. Keep that in mind. These are signs.

nicely said.

TrollInvestigtr · 06-12-2003, 08:43 PM

most women are unable to maintain a noraml relationship until they're 30. troof.

Nisses · 06-13-2003, 04:48 AM

since nobody bothered: Good luck Shades

*crosses fingers*

but yeah, keep on the lookout for signs

FallenAvatar · 06-13-2003, 10:14 AM

Talk with her man, you guys can have a good relationship if you two can't be deep with her other then with your penis.. think about it. Treat her well to.

Shades · 06-13-2003, 07:53 PM

I dunno about things being too hard for this relationship to be worth it. We aren't on level ground, but we're talking and talking again, and that's a good thing.

And no, I am not just just being deep with her with my penis, not that that's much of an option anyway.

Nikilidstrom · 06-13-2003, 10:41 PM

I hate to be the male pig in this post, but hey why not. If you have only been seeing her since october, unless you a) owe her lots of money b) really are cheating on her or c) have gotten her pregnant, its way too early for her to have the right to wig out over insignificant things like this. A new relationship like this should not be this big of a pain in the ass, especially when you have the other problems going on that you listed above. Later on at the 1year mark or so, your relationship will be strong enough to handle a little wiggidge (from either side) here or there, and making up will be a breeze because both of you will realize how silly it is in the scope of your love for each other. Anywho, thats just my opinion, and I hope in your case im wrong. Good luck, we're all behind you!

cowudders14 · 06-17-2003, 01:08 AM

Really don't know what to suggest except say good luck. Also, my g/f has a thing about white roses - she says that normal red roses are a bit standard - everyone does them. White ones show that you've put some thought into it and haven't grabbed the first bunch from a stall at the side of a road somewhere. Might help - try it!

Shades · 06-17-2003, 12:43 PM

Thanks for all the advice and so on. She dumped me yesterday. I suppose the basic reason is that she's just extremely insecure.

cowudders14 · 06-17-2003, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shades
Thanks for all the advice and so on. She dumped me yesterday. I suppose the basic reason is that she's just extremely insecure.

Geez. Sorry man - how do you feel? I suppose the best thing to say now is tell yourself that she doesn't deserve you - you went to a LOT of effort to try to please her/help her/make her happy again etc, but she wanted out - you are her loss!
Sorry but life sucks sometimes.

Shades · 06-18-2003, 09:56 AM

I feel bad. She wants to talk about it. As in, maybe we could save this. I'm thinking, what's the point, but at the moment my ego is too low to say no. But I'm not going to put any effort into hammering out differences at this point.

ganon · 06-18-2003, 11:26 AM

Dude, I am sooo sorry you got the boot. Nothing sucks like heartache from a woman. Don't let this partial, yet significant part of your life dictate your ego to you. You could tell her you the whole things hurts a lot, and you don't feel like you could talk about it right now. Get some space and maybe some clarity will result. Life sure hurts sometimes, doesn't it. If it is any comfort, you're not alone.

hawks · 06-19-2003, 11:40 AM

Women love drama, it's a need for them. That's why she made such a big deal out of it, or the reason she said "Why didn't you tell me this right away?!"

Frowning Budah · 06-20-2003, 02:45 PM

I have to weigh in on the side of those who think your GF is over reacting. Is it possible she was just looking for something to fight abt so she could give you the boot? I've had girls do that before.

06-10-2003, 10:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
Shades Insane	What did I do wrong? GF advice I have been thrown out tonight, and she made me take the DVD player with me (it was mine, I left it there to watch DVDs at her place). Here's how it went down: I told her about something that happened on Saturday night. I went to a karaoke bar with some people I know, and she knew about it. What she did not know is that I got in a fight with one of them, and my brother took the person's side because he's fucking her (although not having a relationship! really!). The next day, that person appoligized, and I explained that I wasn't interested in her apology or her friendship- we weren't really friends to begin with, and after last night when she jumped on me out of the blue to forcefully grab a cigarette out of my mouth, which ended up burning my eyelid, I decided that she wasn't stable enough for me to be safe around. What made my girlfriend mad was that I hadn't told her right away. She said that she didn't know we were in a need-to-know relationship. I tried to tell her that it was no big deal. Compared to the other shit that's been going on lately which I had told her about (fight with parents, probable rejection from Rice graduate school), this seemed unimportant. It had just floated up in my mind today and I told her. I don't know what I did wrong. It doesn't seem fair. I'm really hurt right now, I feel too shocked to even cry. I love her, and I get tossed out like this. She said that she loved me. Where did it all go wrong?

06-11-2003, 09:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Sounds like the girl has some problems with trusting you. You said that you were separated over random trust accusations, and now shes pissed because she though you were keeping something pretty irrevelant from her. I understand why she's mad, but I don't think breaking up with you just from that is justifiable in any manner. Maybe she is better off letting go because of her trust issues. If you do manage to get her back (after a long struggle I'm guessing from what I hear....), do you think you will be able to cope with her trust problems? Are you willing? Because more and more lately, I've been noticing that many people simply don't change. At least not in the long run. PM me if you need to talk. Peace -Tim __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

06-11-2003, 12:49 PM	#7 (permalink)
ganon Insane Location: in my head	I was young and stupid once too, so don't feel bad about that. Learn, padawan, and your pain will not be wasted! I'd call her up, and try to pick a time when you think you'll get her voice mail or answering machine (hell, she might not be answering calls from you anyhow) and tell her that you are there to talk, and that you would like to get things cleared up. You can always try the tried and true, and send flowers. Believe it or not, it actually works. But this time, don't settle for makeup sex, or any other kind of band-aid, try to get past the communication wall that is up. Just make sure she is responsible for her own feelings and words. what she feels isn't your fault, but you can help her understand where you are at. __________________ "My give up, my give up." - Jar Jar Binks

06-12-2003, 01:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
geep Insane Location: Imprisoned in Ecotopia	lol

06-13-2003, 04:48 AM	#17 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	since nobody bothered: Good luck Shades crosses fingers but yeah, keep on the lookout for signs __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

06-10-2003, 10:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
chavos Banned Location: St. Paul, MN	Spidey sense gives three possible outcomes: 1. She has irrationally reacted to this one event, and despite your other information about her, is likely too unstable herself to have a lasting relationship with. 2. This is cover for her anger over other events, such as those listed above. 3. This story bugs her for some reason that doesn't seem apparent from this telling. My guess would be number two. If my telepathy is in working order, communication between you two has gotten increasingly difficult and strained, and you've had an rising percentage of your conversations turn in to fights. My condolences, and my advice to you might be to let her and you cool down, and to make a try at reopening some of that communication. That, and roses never hurt either. Best of luck.

06-10-2003, 10:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
Shades Insane	I guess number two could be right. She's just been difficult lately. We were seperated for three weeks (going out since October last year), and then when we come back a lot of distrust seems to have sprung up between us. Like she questioned if I was just with her for the sex, things like she doesn't trust me so much anymore. I don't know why, I haven't cheated on her or given her any reason to think so, and I have been trying to get closer to her. She said that she didn't want to break up or anything, so I don't know what the deal is. I don't know the right questions to ask or the right moves to make to try to get to the bottom of things. I've never gone out with someone this long or been in so deep (I'm 24 too!). Thank you for the condlences. It actually did make me feel a little better.

06-11-2003, 12:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
Shades Insane	I dfeinately hear you on the part about her wanting to be in the know, but the truth is I just didn't think this was that big of a deal. It would be like telling her that I wanted macoroni and cheese for supper a few days ago but had run out of milk. It's just a petty annoyance. The more I talk about it, the bigger it gets. Conversely, by not dragging it up every ten minutes, it just dies and goes away. It's just that we can't seem to talk a whole lot anymore. Like I'm afraid that she's just going to get pissed and fly off the handle, but then by not talking it happens anyway. I feel like a big part of our problem is my feer not letting me do what needs to be done. Maybe she isn't meeting me in the middle, but I'm not there to meet her anyway so I can't claim the moral high ground. She hasn't called me today. I don't think she's ever called after a fight. I don't think I'm going to call her today either. I wouldn't know what to say to make things better. Hell, I don't even really understand what's wrong completely. Actually, I agree with you in theory that sex before mariage isn't great, because it puts fear about what the other person is really after and pressure to stay together that may not have been there. But we're young and stupid and can't keep our hands off of eachother. I don't even know if we're broken up this time. She gave me back the DVD player once before, but it blew over.

06-11-2003, 01:06 PM	#8 (permalink)
william Psycho	Relationships are about trust. You say it's no big deal not to tell her something, but it obviously is a big deal to her. Something goes on in your life, tell her - what's the big deal? Hit her w/overload about every detail. She's not being too sensitive, she just cares too much. If you're not fucking around, it doesn't matter.

06-11-2003, 07:19 PM	#9 (permalink)
gibber71 Loser	I hate to sound harsh,but really,..your 24 and how old is she? I think since you got into an arguement with another women(if I read your thread properly) your girlfriend feels left out since you didn't tell her the problem.Would she be so upset if you had an arguement with a guy and didn't tell her? It may sound silly,but think about it. My best answer,..if someone get's so irrated over something so small,then they want out.If you hold on,it could turn into a living hell.No offense,but I think she needs to grow up a little.

06-12-2003, 11:11 AM	#12 (permalink)
Shades Insane	geep: no, that second approach didn't really appeal to me. It would if I actually was just trying to keep her in the sack, but I want the whole bag of marbles so to speak. She's 21, which I guess is a not-insignificant age gap. In my defense, I met her in a graduate class. Turns out that undergrads can sign up for it too under a different course number. Who knew? I'm going to try to see her today. I'm packing roses and a fresh hair cut. Wish me luck.

06-12-2003, 02:46 PM	#14 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Things are never this hard when you finally find the person you end up with. Keep that in mind. These are signs.

06-12-2003, 08:43 PM	#16 (permalink)
TrollInvestigtr Crazy	most women are unable to maintain a noraml relationship until they're 30. troof.

06-13-2003, 10:14 AM	#18 (permalink)
FallenAvatar Psycho	Talk with her man, you guys can have a good relationship if you two can't be deep with her other then with your penis.. think about it. Treat her well to.

06-13-2003, 07:53 PM	#19 (permalink)
Shades Insane	I dunno about things being too hard for this relationship to be worth it. We aren't on level ground, but we're talking and talking again, and that's a good thing. And no, I am not just just being deep with her with my penis, not that that's much of an option anyway.

06-13-2003, 10:41 PM	#20 (permalink)
Nikilidstrom Stick it in your five hole! Location: Michigan, USA	I hate to be the male pig in this post, but hey why not. If you have only been seeing her since october, unless you a) owe her lots of money b) really are cheating on her or c) have gotten her pregnant, its way too early for her to have the right to wig out over insignificant things like this. A new relationship like this should not be this big of a pain in the ass, especially when you have the other problems going on that you listed above. Later on at the 1year mark or so, your relationship will be strong enough to handle a little wiggidge (from either side) here or there, and making up will be a breeze because both of you will realize how silly it is in the scope of your love for each other. Anywho, thats just my opinion, and I hope in your case im wrong. Good luck, we're all behind you!

06-17-2003, 01:08 AM	#21 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	Really don't know what to suggest except say good luck. Also, my g/f has a thing about white roses - she says that normal red roses are a bit standard - everyone does them. White ones show that you've put some thought into it and haven't grabbed the first bunch from a stall at the side of a road somewhere. Might help - try it! __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

06-17-2003, 12:43 PM	#22 (permalink)
Shades Insane	Thanks for all the advice and so on. She dumped me yesterday. I suppose the basic reason is that she's just extremely insecure.

06-18-2003, 09:56 AM	#24 (permalink)
Shades Insane	I feel bad. She wants to talk about it. As in, maybe we could save this. I'm thinking, what's the point, but at the moment my ego is too low to say no. But I'm not going to put any effort into hammering out differences at this point.

06-18-2003, 11:26 AM	#25 (permalink)
ganon Insane Location: in my head	Dude, I am sooo sorry you got the boot. Nothing sucks like heartache from a woman. Don't let this partial, yet significant part of your life dictate your ego to you. You could tell her you the whole things hurts a lot, and you don't feel like you could talk about it right now. Get some space and maybe some clarity will result. Life sure hurts sometimes, doesn't it. If it is any comfort, you're not alone. __________________ "My give up, my give up." - Jar Jar Binks

06-19-2003, 11:40 AM	#26 (permalink)
hawks Upright	Women love drama, it's a need for them. That's why she made such a big deal out of it, or the reason she said "Why didn't you tell me this right away?!"

06-20-2003, 02:45 PM	#27 (permalink)
Frowning Budah Slave of Fear	I have to weigh in on the side of those who think your GF is over reacting. Is it possible she was just looking for something to fight abt so she could give you the boot? I've had girls do that before.