Dating your long time best friend?
 

I'm in love with my best friend, the girl that knows me better than anyone else, that I can tell anything to. We share each others' absolute trust. We are completely honest with each other, which is amazing, but hard and challenging at the same time.

We both agree that we want to stay "best friends forever" (God, I feel lame and sophomoric for typing that.) and she feels that if we do start dating, we'll have to be, in the long run, ready to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. She doesn't think she's "good enough" for me, and that, because of my limited dating experience, I only want to be with her because she's something familar. She feels like I'll drift away if we get too close. Ultimately, we aren't dating because we don't want to break up.

I've never had a serious relationship, but I can't date other girls. My heart's just not in it.

This weekend, we'll see each other again and probably end up having another heart-to-heart. I'm going to try my best to sort everything out.

So what does the collective wisdom of TF think? Can two long time best friends sucessfully date? Can they remain friends if they break up? Should I wait and date other people when, in the back of my mind, I love her?

Most definitely. The best relationships I know of started out as friendships, mine included.

And don't ask about 'if' you break up. If all you do is hedge your bets with everything, you will never take a chance and could miss out on the best things in life. Sure there will be a possibility for failure, but isn't there always?

I agree with hambone. Gofor it. I too had a relationship with my bestfriend. It was the best relationship I ever had.

If you don't , you will always be asking "what if?"

The answer is far preferable than the question.

I agree as well, the best relationships frequently come from being friends first. At least you know you can be companions rather than just good in bed together. If you fail to experiment because you are afraid of the consequences (not go out because you may break up) you are doomed to a long and boring life. Go and shoot yourself now.

You poor thing. *hug*

GO FOR IT!!!!

You bypass all the horrors that can come along with the girlfriend not getting along with the best friend and vice versa... You have already, the relationship that married couples work for years to try to establish/achieve whatever - a closeness, a bond, a link... gaah... I've lived the place you are in. we went for it. we ended up living together for 4 years. tragedy (a late term miscarriage) and me having a nervous breakdown over it broke us up - but that was 7 years ago and we are still close friends today

I'd definitely give it a shot, I've been dating my best friend for quite awhile now, nearly a year in highschool and two and a half in college (before I receive criticism on not experiencing other women, we took a break for a year during college to be sure of our feelings for each other). It's by far the best relationship I've ever been in, and it's really great to have someone know exactly where you're coming from.

Just to be sure, is there any sexual tension between the two of you now?

I dated a friend, who eventually became my best friend, then I married her.

Best thing I ever did.

YMMV.

I'm surprised that nobody here has yet to say...

NO NO NO NO NO.

I've done it twice, and twice lost my best friend permanently. Things will never go back to being the same if it doesn't work out.

Do it! Your wife will be your best friend, so if you already have a best friend, make her your wife! The best relationships are founded first on friendship.

Yes, you might break up and stop being friends as a result, but if you value your friendship so little that you will let a little thing like romance end it, you probably wouldn't have stayed friends anyway.

Have you given thought to her argument? Without knowing you, I can say that there she's right in assuming this, because many men are like this.

I don't generally think best friends dating is a good idea, but I do think the friendship can be salvaged from the relationship if it goes badly.

All situations are different.

I dated my best friend and now we're married.

I like it that way because we can work through even the toughest situations.

But if she doesn't want to, I wouldn't force the issue. Maybe she isn't the one for you.

Logarithm, go for it. It's scarey as all get out I am sure, especially not wanting to lose your best friend. But if your friendship is everything you say it is, then you have the basis for an excellent intimate relationship. I was in the same posiione about 11 years ago. Only my best friend was more afraid than I. I ultimately had to make the decision to move on. She's still not married, and as bad as it sounds i kind of hope she's regretting the decision. But in truth, our friendship settled down more because we DIDN'T pursue it further. Ultimately if you or her decides to move on, your friendship will be tight, but focus will have to change anyway. It's well wort the advancement if she's willing.

It absolutely is terrifying. However, the odds are much better in your favor in every way if you are very good friends first.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Some of it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but its still appreciated and helpful.

There is, but we've never talked about it. The closest to intimacy we've ever come is spooning, and that was more of a comfort thing (Long story short: if you're ever trying to get over your best friend, never double date with her. Especially if its both couples' first date. Theres no jealousy worse than mutual jealousy) Its just been the unspoken agreement that intimacy is another unneeded factor in an already stressed friendship.


The thing is, she's going on a first date with another guy this weekend. And she has no problem telling me how much she likes him. Maybe she isn't interested after all.

Honestly, it sounds like her saying she's worried about you drifting away is her way way of maybe letting you down easy and not flat out telling you she's not interested, especially if she already knows how you feel about her.

Well, my situation is kinda reversed. I'm best friends with my ex.

I understand it doesn't tend to work out this way, but yeah.

We seem to be drifting back towards eachother now.

I figure if you guys can remain open minded about your relationship being a breeding ground for conflict, and understand that conflict is simply a result of who you are vs who she is, accept that, and if it doesn't work out then just both of you would know at least.

I think you should tell her how you feel. Lay it all out on the table. Then you'll know for sure. Look at it this way, I see 3 choices of outcomes.

1) Tell her. She turns you down. It gets uncomfortable. You drift apart.

2) Tell her. She agrees to try it. You give it your best shot. It lasts forever or falls apart. But at least you'll know you tried.

3) Don't tell her and fractuce the friendship anyway with jealousy and secrets.

2 out of 3, the friendship isn't lasting. 1 out of 3 you have a shot of happiness with your best friend. But if you don't ask, you'll never know and always wonder 'What if". The land of What If isn't a fun place to be...

I say go for it.
You guys get along great now..and since you're already best friends...why not take it to the next level.
There is always a discernable amount of risk.

I'm dating my best friend right now.
We weren't the greatest of friends before we met (sexual tension was between us), but as the relationship has developed things have been great and I'm very happy.

I love dating my best friend.
Thats pretty much how relationships work anyway right?

Yep, been there and done that before.

All I can say man is that if you two really value the friendship you'll both fight to keep it despite what happens. If the relationship flourishes or if it dies, if keeping the friendship is still the most important thing to you thendo what you have to to keep it going.

Yes, thing wont go exactly back to how they were, but relationships and friendships change.

I hope it all pans out for you either way mate.