Sex vs. Fucking...
 

So here's the thing... there's a girl I like. I think she likes me as well.

Well, I'm not totally sure about that. I think she does, but mainly because she recently asked me what I was doing after work one night, and I think it was because she was trying to find an "in" to talk about going somewhere.

That's neither here nor there, though... what I'm interested in talking about is the concept of sex vs. fucking. I have a little apprehension about starting anything with her, even though I like her and she's attractive and all.

The issue is, I want to fuck her, but I think she's a bit more sexually conservative and would be more comfortable with "sex".

For some people, their normal setting for sex is "fucking"- for others (perhaps for more people), it's simply "sex". The difference is that having sex is what we all call sex- fucking someone is that extra level of energy and enthusiasm that differentiates a snacking-level sexual appetite and a sexual appetite on par with gorging oneself at an all-you-can-eat joint.

I'm enthusiastic and high-energy, and I have no qualms about showing it or being a sexual person. I'm afraid that she's a bit more sexually conservative, to the point that I'm afraid if we even tried anything, it wouldn't work out based on sex incompatibility alone.

As for my personal situation, she's a great chick but I just don't know about starting something with her. And before anyone jumps in my ass, I'm not "guessing" that she's sexually conservative, I've known her for like a year. It's the cumulative knowledge gathered over that time that leads me to that opinion.

For all the rest of you, are you a person who has sex, or fucks? When you get into bed (or maybe bend over a couch or bathroom sink) with your s.o., girlfriend, or random partner, are you looking to fuck, or just have sex?

Do you think making such a distinction is ridiculous? Wish me luck that i'm not imagining her hitting on me. Though it doesn't happen all that often- for all the times I thought I was getting hit on by a woman, the number of times that turned out to be accurate is annoyingly low.

Personally I see a distinct difference between the two much as you do so obviously I don't think it's ridiculous. I can enjoy either depending on my mood, sometimes I want something long and slow and gentle which to me is sex and sometimes I want something hard and sweaty and to me that's fucking.

I guess it depends on my partner, I tend to enjoy fucking more oflate then i did when I was younger. To me it seems to release a part of me I don't normally let loose, a part of me that can be passionate and slightly demanding, it makes me feel more wanted knowing I can bring out that part of another person as well.

Anyways good luck Analog.

Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that there is no time for "sex"... even "love making"... those are like those super-special times to me. Very intimate. Good pointing that out, thanks.

Many of my sexually wild girlfriends project an image of blemishless purity to all but their very closest friends, including men they've known for a long while... partly because they're afraid that being thought of as a "slut" might damage those relationships. I've even heard them pretend (in front of others) to be disgusted by things that they have previously confessed to fantasizing about.

Well, I definitely enjoy both sex and fucking, but I do both with the same person on a regular basis... so that's kind of a different situation. :) And hey, I would say that both my husband and I "appear" to be sexually conservative in public, but we raise hell in bed (and other rooms and settings). So, you never know...

But I'd say, if you are DEFINITELY looking for booty-call status only, then make that clear from the get-go. Don't lead her into thinking you want to have "sex" or even a data or relationship, when you just want to "fuck," period. Then, even if she ends up not liking you, at least you were in the clear by being honest about your wishes. And who knows, she just might be up for a fuck!

Both have their place... their very appreciated place! And I look for both of them - sometimes in the same session. The distinction is certainly not ridiculous... it's about mood, I think.

Listen to us, analog... especially Sharon. Even if she's not too wild yet, you'd be amazed what comes out in a relationship when a girl can trust the guy she's with. And you may have known her for a year... but until you know this side of her, you shouldn't assume anything.

What's the worst that happens? She's only a sex-type and not a fuck-type? So what? You gave it a good shot, and a good time was had by all.

Try thinking of sexual relations in the context of conversation. There are those people you seriously engage in lengthly meaningful talking sessions, but at times its more fitting to simply discuss the weather or shoot the shit. Likewise we are sometimes taken aback by someone showing an ability to hold a lengthly conversation that we may have felt uninteresting in the past....simply by chance.
In my experience sex has many faces, and is open to change and guidance. You might be pleasantly suprised by the results of taking it a bit less seriously,until a relationship requires your serious attention. In other words...you're thinking way too hard about something that does not yet require detailed examination.

Just enjoy it....its much more pleasant that way.

I always thought that love what you do between the sex, not the sex itself.

Ya know? Sex might be akin to picking someone else's nose. That kinda thing.

I guess I could see a difference...although I like the girly term "Love-Making" or as James says..."I want to make love the bejesus out of you" lol
I suppose James' phrase = fucking hard + sex = our sex lives (hot)

If that made sense to anyone, good for you.

Although, school has made our sex life harder :(
James schedule: work 9-11, class 11-2, study 2-eternity
My schedule: class 10-2, work 6-9
Talk about awful, we're opposite schedules. We don't get to see each other until the end of the day and then we're really tired and ready for bed.

No making love the bejesus out of one another
:(
So no, there is no energy for fucking, maybe this weekend. :)

As a guy, it might sound hypocritical or gay to say this.. but..

I dont think i could really respect a girl who was able to "fuck" or "make love" or have sex with someone out of a relationship.

At the very least, she should be expecting it to lead a relationship.

Hell... if she is going to be slutty, at least try and get something meaningful out of it!

Anyways.. I dont think I could respect them because in my eyes the girl would be a slut. And why would I want to know a slut?

Also, I would feel guilty having random fucks with a girl cuz I would feel like I was taking an active role in "making her a slut". I dont know.. I would just feel bad for the girl even if she didnt feel bad about it. Imagine her future husband and what he would have to listen to from her: "So yeah I used to just fuck guys, without a serious relationship going on or serious feelings.."

match000 - my only question to you is this... do you hold guys to the same standards that you have applied to girls above?

I would like to know this too. Are you saying only girls can be "sluts" and guys get a free pass?

that is bull.

I'll fuck a random girl I meet in a bar.

I have sex with my girlfriend.

Fuck, screw, poke, pork, bang, bonk, or boff...it's all makin' love to me.

Sometimes I might feel more like one than the other, but I don't think of there being much of a distinction between them.

Hahah... pork!

What an image.

I've only had 1 sexual partner, and it was my girlfriend. And I do take it seriously.

So.. I try to hold myself to the same standard. I said "try".

Because, if I am not in a relationship, and if a hot girl came up to me, and offered sex or a "fuck", and I was sure she didnt have any diseases, then I'd probably be hard-pressed to pass it up.

However, I try hard to hold myself to that standard because that is what I expect my SO's to be like. I'd be a total hypocrite if I expected it and didn't do that myself..

I was temporarily upset over the assumption, but then I thought about it for just a little second and now I understand why you wrote this.

I'm not the "notch on the headboard" guy. I'm not the guy who wants to "fuck" a girl just because I want sex from her. In fact, I'm really not generally turned on by the prospect of random sex with a girl. I'm a relationship guy. I wouldn't be sexually interested in her unless I wanted to date her, as well. I'm just not wired the way that many guys are.

However, this is my trepidation, my tribulation, my trouble (woohoo alliteration!)... I am thinking I'd like to have something with her, but my fear of sexual incompatibility is palpable.

Oh, and I would be shocked if I'm wrong about this. I read people pretty damn well, if I do say so myself, but you're right that there are people who have reserved sides that only a select few will become privy to.

Oh well, I'm still looking around at what's out there, I'm hardly just concentrating on her, especially since I'm not even totally sure she likes me (but I think she does).

Dude, in my experience, assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

Seriously man, what have you got to loose by just diving in there and giving it a go?

Who's to say that she's not willing to work on your sexual compatibility if the emotional compatibility is there?

At the end of the day, you're not going to know unless you at the very least give it a try.

Hehehe, you sound too much like me, over thinking / analyzing. I reckon you should just dive in there and roll with it man. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, at least you'll know.

Gotta love double entendres. ;)

Bwahahahahaaaaahahahahahha!!!!

I can just hear that in my mind sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "Still Rock and Roll to me"!


Ahem. Sorry for the hijack.

Look at it this way, humans are a needy bunch, and sex tends to hover around the top of the need list. I think it's totally possible and acceptable to have sex, or even fuck someone, outside of a romantic relationship providing both partners are aware ahead of time that it's only for the "hook up" aspect of it. How else do you explain the prevalence of "fuck buddies" or "friends with benefits" ?

I knew a girl for like... 5 years or so I'd say.

We ended up together one night, and some conversation lead into "What if... What if..."

We had about a 4-5 month relationship.

Anyway I say this b/c this girl never, EVER, gave off the impression that she was anything but conservative in the bedroom. I talked to her about b/f's and shit like that.

Well she ended up blowing my mind, she was so kinky - freaky - hardcore. Some of the poundings I gave her were epic compared to the other women I've been with.


We talked about that, she said she never let on anything like that because she was self conscious that girls are supposed to be "dainty" and not hardcore "fuckers".


Just a lil story ... some of those girls are fuckin freakys

Man it must really suck to be with girls like that.. I mean, if they are going to be acting innocent.. they better well be innocent! Nothing worse than being with a girl who you think is 100% serious business and you find out she's had a history of sleeping around (slut). Damnnnn

He didn't say anything about her sleeping around.

threadjack/wow...you really don't like experienced women at all, do ya? Who said something about making assumptions?/end threadjack
I'd affirm the general consensus-go in, go slow, go for it. No one ever died from hearing "no". And don't go by 'public' appearances. As one person put it about myself(to another):"She looks like a librarian or something, but HOT DAMN!"

lol yikes, I donno where that came from at all match000.

I wanna see an update here to see if you got one of those closet freakies -_0

Haha, that's a good term for it. They definately exist! I know, I used to be one of them, then I gave up since everyone I'm around realized I am more like a guy than most guys (mentally of course) ;)

Anywho. Analog, you may think you know, and you may be right, but you'll never truly know till you give it a shot. Try dating her and see where it goes. :thumbsup:

i'd just like to go on record saying i'll take those chicks that match passes up.

i'm pig, and i endorse this message.

edit: to the OP - analog, i wouldn't worry over much about it. i understand where you're coming from, i've been in situations like that...and yeah, a couple of times i've found that i didn't know shit from shinola about the girl in question. a girl who might be sexually conservative around people she thinks are sexually/socially conservative might be a whole different animal when it's just the two of you and she knows/believes you're not judging her.

i wouldn't dump the possibility upfront because of that particular perception.

There is a difference, but they can be together and as mentioned different people might bring out different things.

She may start out wanting sex, but then toward the end or in the middle of the session just want the shit fucked out of her. At least, that's from my experience. You'll never know unless you give it a chance. And if it goes somewhere you can always try to bring out a wild side in her...it's possible once people start trusting the person they are with.

Why do girls want teh shit fucked out of them?

Isnt vaginal orgasm much harder to achieve than clitoral orgasm? So when guys "fuck the shit out of them", its pretty hard for the girl to reach orgasm that way right? Or does just the fucking feel really really good??

Or is it some kind of submissive thing where they like guys to take control?? And the hard fucking is kind of like that??

For many women, yes... but for those who get off on sex, especially really hard sex, that would be that magical "fuck me!" time.

Usually, after having a couple orgasms, it is time to get fucked hard. It's like the grand finale at fireworks. ;)

Oh and yes, it feels really, really good, I don't view it as a submissive thing.

It's like a good workout....has nothing to do with taking control, it has to do with feeling it. Orgasm is not the be-all, end-all to sex, ya know.

I think it means different things to different people but overall it's exhilarating, exciting and most of all, fun. Does there need to be more to it than that?

I'd say definitely don't judge someone based on what you think you know about them. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we're always finding out new stuff about each other.

I'm a pretty quiet person and most people who know me think I'm innocent because of it. Little do they know...

I wish I'd written the opening post a bit more carefully... I really didn't care about the situation with the chick. lol I just wanted to set the stage for the question (which is the title of the thread), having sex vs. fucking, and who likes which- and when.

Just to be clear, I don't judge people or make decisions based on preconceived notions. Thinking out loud, on the boards, about whether or not to date her based on my observation of her personality, was for the sake of just thinking out loud. I hope no one actually got the impression that I was seeking help or would not go out with someone based on a preconceived opinion about them.

As it stands, I know I won't be pursuing anything with her for a variety of reasons that I'm not going to discuss, but mainly because she likes kids and is looking forward to having some. That's a deal-breaker, just by itself.

OH YES, OH YES, OH YES!!!:thumbsup:

I was never a "closet freaky". What i was though, was self-doubting.

I knew that i wanted Healer to fuck me, I just wanted to be fucked but that didnt make me a slut.

*threadjack* what makes a woman who sleeps with many men a slut anyway? it's just a filthy and ugly stereotype that men and women made up cos of women that wouldnt sleep with the men who were propositioning them and women who didn't like the fact that those women were getting some! what if they just like sex? *end threadjack*

anyways, i think there is a difference. you just need to find out from her which way she'd like it and make your feelings known to her...you never know what might come out of it.

and what i wanted to say from the very begining when i read the first line of your post, was "how can she not like you,there's absolutely nothing for her not to like!"

Go for it!!! and then after a second or third date, you tell her...say you hope you not coming on too strong and you are extremely sorry if this comes out the wrong way, but you cant hold it in anymore...and you'd understand if she didn't wana go on another date with you but ever since you've seen her, you think she is incredibly beautiful and even more so...UNBELIEVABLY sexy and you would love nothing more than just to fuck her, if she would let you.

and you stop right there, twiddle your thumbs and look down until she overcomes the shock and sheer amazement that some guy thinks that she is beautiful and sexy and HONEST ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!

that's something that she'll appreciate. then you guys'll laugh and giggle about it and just you wait and see...she'll go to bed thinking about it and wake up thinking about it and pretty soon, she'll be wanting to fuck your brains out/let alone have you fuck her brains out ...hehehehehe

let her mull over it. and trust me. :thumbsup:

i hope you get what you want.

Hmmmmmm, I think I might use this with the cute red head that catches my train in the morning...............................

Only after we start taking bets on the projected out come. My money is on her slapping my face before I get through one sentence :p

Honestly though, as woman, would you want to hear that from a guy?

analog,

as to sex vs. fucking:

my friend pacman jr. used to say that if you take the time to take all your clothes off, then you're making love. if you still have your socks on, that's having sex. and if you can't wait until you've got your clothes off, then that's fucking.

i pretty much think that most sessions eventually turn into fucking...you might start making love, but towards the end you're pretty much in a carnal state.

no offense mandy, but i think with many girls a guy might want to hold off on that particular approach...at the least, it's highly situational. regardless, i say YOU go for it mrfriendly, and tell us how it went down. wear your sunglasses.

none taken...but i feel that if a guy i'd been on a date with a coupla times tells me that...regardless of the situation we're in at that specific moment, I'd be thinking about it all the time, especially if it was a guy that i liked enough to go on more than one date with.

well, again, thats just my opinion. I love it when a guy is straight forward with me, well, people in general. dont pull no punches or beat about the bush, tell me and i will tell you what i think afterward.

but, if a guy i had been dating or had been on a coupla dates with, tells me that he doesn't care what i think of him afterwards but he just jas to get it out before he explodes... I'd think that is pretty dam sexy...and i might not be receptive to the idea immediately but, i'd laugh about it and we'd carry on with the date.

as for analogs original post... I love to fuck...good, hard, wet, slippery!

and sometimes it's a submission thing and most of the time it's cos i wana and its good!

and yes it all turns to fucking eventually...cos i can tell you now, no matter how much we try and "make love" or start out that way, it is virtually impossible for it to stay that way...well, for us that is :D

i'm not trying to be offensive or insinuate anything, but your approach makes me think that you've had or will have quite a few sexual partners..

in my book, the girl im marrying MUST have had less than 4-5 partners ever! (that's already pushing it, 2-3 to be ideal)

Of course, you do realize that a girl could have had less than 4-5 partners (or even 2-3!) and still be an animal in bed. Your notions about women are extremely naive.

Why are you making assumptions about someone you don't know? Again?
Agreed. And, she could have ten and still be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
I think you need to find some female friends and start some dialogues-you have much to learn, Grasshopper, before you can snatch the pebble.

I agree, I do have much to learn.

Suggestions on what kind of dialogues to start, and what direction I should learn in?

First you need to cease putting women in a slut/virginal comparison mode and look at them as potential friends before any dialog can start. Learn what gets their contentment outside anything sexual before delving into the sexual. Listen, listen, listen to them. And when all else fails, listen to them.
Put yourself in their shoes....what if you were turned away simply because you'd had more than one partner or three? Does that make you any less than who you are, really? If anything, what you've done makes you who you are, good, bad or in-between and it's no different for women.
Once you've established rapport and gained trust as a true friend and not some survey-taker, then the more intimate chats can happen, more or less what's been brought up here-the differences between making love, having sex and fucking, what's most important, etc.
In short, relax, talk, listen and let go of your presumptuous ways.

Ngdawg is patient and wise. (bows)

Women aren't receptacles or appliances or things you can own. Their number of sexual partners is completely irrelevant.

Talk to them like they're human, not pieces of meat. If things happen, things happen.

DO NOT posture yourself like a bear trap. Chicks don't like bear traps... because... well, humans don't like bear traps.

My first real girlfriend was a virgin before I got to her. Once we started having sex, she was a total sex slut, though obviously just for me. A healthy, even ravenous sexual appetite and number of partners don't necessarily have anything to do with each other. That's a really bad assumption to make. When you love someone, it can set off all kinds of crazy sexual behavior you'd never even consider with a casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

You opened the door, so here it is. My grandpa had a phrase for these situations, "You know too much and understand way too little."

You have some knowledge on how to give a girl an orgasm, but fail to understand the raw unbridled passion that women desire. The uncontrollable urges that are caused by being completely devoted to that one peson and letting him/her completely take you, or you take him/her (it always works both ways).

Passion creates more and better orgasms than any angles or positions you can read anywhere. Fucking is that raw, powerful, animalistic passion that we ALL crave sometimes.

Read the forum rules, this is borderline in my opinion.

As for the number of partners, I'm assuming you're in high school. In my experience no one cares how many partners anyone has had (after passing an STD test) outside of HS.

If you're not still in HS why does it bother you? If you met the sweetest, most intelligent, beautiful person in the world (std free of course), why would it bother you if she slept with more than 5 guys? As long as they are in her past why would you care?

I suspect, perhaps, maybe...and I mean this in the kindest, gentlest way possible...you have (perhaps unconsciously) equated sex with "bad."

I don't think it's uncommon...just not so common around these parts. :)

Hehe, ngdawg, after those comments I shall now only refer to you as "ngdawg the Wise".

I have to agree with the comment about making female friends to try and understand that their sexual appetite does not change who they are or ultimately how you feel about them.

The reason I agree with this is because the only reason I have any confidence around women at all is because of the close female friends I've made over the years. A couple of these friends love to fuck, pure an simple, and hey, it's their lives and their choice. The basic fact is I don't think it makes them slutty or takes anything away from their strength of character, in my eyes they're still wonderful people to hang around with and are always there for me.

Match, this comment was made in another thread, by Crompsin I believe, but you need to stop putting women on a pedestal. The huge amount of similarities between women and men are actually quite intriguing and also comforting, at the end of the day man, we're all human.

parents bible thumpers perhaps?

I don't know where you got the idea the amount of sexual partners is a direct correlation to promescuity. It may be true in some cases but for the majority its very wrong.

Is it a double standard maybe? What if a guy has 4-5 partners? Is he a 'slut' or whatever you'd want to call a guy?

Ngdawgs pretty much on the head, you should think about how you view women, after awhile I think you'll feel like the outlook you have now is a tad closed-minded.

well, firstly, i'm not offended and i understand you reaction. I am however kind of disappointed in your assumption. albeit true and i would never ever deny that. i have had quite a few sexual partners and i attribute that to my healthy sexual appetite :D

Healer knows about all of them. I am STD free. :thumbsup:

the point here is though, that he doesn't care. and he loves me for the person that i am and the person that i am did not change because of the amount of sexual partners i've had. what it did do in fact was make me wiser than what i was. I am no less who i am because of them, in fact, i might be a better person because of it.

some of them were grave mistakes, but i've learned from them and others were because i thought i was inlove and i thought that they in turn were inlove with me and some of them were just fun... and by the sound if this sentence, it really looks as though i really got around hey :D

What matters is not that you slept with 5 men or 4 men or 10 men or even 1 man, what matters is that after you do you are still the same person you were before you slept with them.

I love sex and i love being FUCKED :eek: what's the big deal?

oh wise and smart ng :)

you would do very well to listen and take in all the advice you're getting from our fellow Tfp'ers. because i think you'll get great insight from them and you'll learn so much more.

I have :thumbsup:

good luck:thumbsup:

That, right there, is all that really matters. :D I feel the exact same way, regardless of how many/how few partners I have had. Sex is GREAT, and I love getting the shit fucked out of me on a regular basis. The only time when we have to be gentle is during my period, because my cervix gets so sensitive... and I hate having to be gentle during sex. I just love the feeling of getting banged hard (and no, I usually do not have orgasms during vaginal sex, but I still love it).

Match has a lot to learn, as he said himself... the main thing is for him to not have a double standard for men and women's sex lives, or to believe that many sexual partners = loose morals, etc. Drop your assumptions, man... and start listening up around here.

Hmm.. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I *am* in effect putting them into some kind of slut / light slut / virginal comparison mode, and as someone else pointed out later, probably because I am equating the # of sexual partners with morals. Which I realize, *could* be very wrong.

However, if someone has had too many sexual partners, I still find that troubling, because how can they truly care for you (love you deeply) if they've "loved" 6/10/20 people before you?!

I do agree. I need to stop being a survey taker, find out what floats their boats before anything sexual, and really talk. Thanks for the pointers.

Hmm.. I guess by being so critical of how many sexual partners my future SO's can have, I am in effect demonstrating possessiveness of some sort. Thanks for pointing that out.. need to change/fix that..

yes, i can understand that sometimes we all make mistakes, and we might think we are really in love with someone but later on find out it that it just wont work or that it was just puppy love etc.. so i guess that is true..


and nah, my parents arent bible thumpers, they arent religious, and i am not either. i am more atheist if anything..

and i try really not to have a double standard for men and women.. what i said about women, i try to apply to myself.. i am thinking to have only a few relationshisp involving sex before i get married.. lol