Cell Phone Privacy
 

My girlfriend of about 2 months and I were watching tv and she had her hand in my pocket. Next thing I know she is pulling my cell phone out and started to back away with this look on her face and then started to open it. I kinda flipped and grabbed it from her. Not that I had something to hide, but I dont like the idea of not being trusted and it rubbed me wrong. And now it adds to her not trusting me because of how I acted even though I hadnt done anything.

Is this all on me for overreacting? And is it partly ok to act like that if its your personal stuff and thinking you should be trusted.

I think if she would have asked to see it, I would have acted different and let her, but for some reason, the sneaky thing rubbed me wrong.

My cell phone, my desktop, and my laptop are my space. I don't have anything to hide, and she knows I have porn. They are MINE, and I very extremely sensitive if someone else gets anywhere near them. There are passwords, websites, conversations, etc.. they aren't particularly personal but they're still mine, and should be treated just as a journal would.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with it.

My girlfriend has the same space; I dont think she's be comfortable with me using her computer or looking through her text messages.

It's all about trust, and trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. Everyone has their "private" things.

I don't go through my girl's phone, I refuse to allow them to go through mine.

As Jinn said, I don't have anything to hide, I just don't like people going through MY things.

Anything to hide or no, it's your personal possession.

What the hell is it with girls trying to look at guys' cellphones, anyway?? Pfft.

I am the same way... I don't like it when people ask to use my computer. I won't say no and I don't have anything terribly embarrassing to hide, but for some reason it just makes me uneasy. Same with my cell phone... I couldn't date a girl who felt the need to flip through my numbers or text messages in order to check up on me.

I think you were totally justified for you reaction, especially since she didn't ask permission.

Honestly it sounds like she was joking around. But you flipping made her wonder why you would. If she were going to be truly sneaky she would have looked through your phone while you were sleeping or showering. Doing it purposely in front of you and making a face just seems like a joke.

I wouldn't want someone just grabbing my phone either and I'd be irritated. It's your property.

*oh and you can gaurantee that now as soon as you leave your phone unattended she will be looking through it. You peaked her curiosity.

It took my girlfriend a long time to figure out that my computer and my phone are not open for her to go through.


It was a lot of arguments.


Now everything is password protected.

I agree with what most everyone has said - you're justified because everyone has their private things.

I'm the same way as a lot of people here. I have nothing to hide, but I don't like people going through my stuff. My girlfriend is the opposite. She readily gives me her PIN to get money out for her if I'm running to the bank, she gave me her e-mail password because she wanted me to check something - both things I would never do. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that I don't feel comfortable sharing my PIN or passwords.

I don't think you'll really have a problem as long as you explain your reasoning to her without coming off like you don't trust her. My girlfriend understands that me not being comfortable giving her my PIN has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. If you can get her to understand that, you should be fine.

-Tamerlain

Okay I'm gonna be the dissenter here. I use my boyfriend's computer and he uses mine when he needs to. Now by use I do not mean go through conversations and all that because ..I honestly don't think I've ever had the urge to do that and he has no reason to either. Even if he did though, I don't think I'd care.

We've been together for a while so maybe that has something to do with it but I am not bothered by him picking up my phone and looking at it or anything. We have a shared cell phone plan also and he knows who I call because he gets the bill. That doesn't bother me either.

Everyone's different though, if it bothers you tell her but do it in as nice a way as you can because flipping out will not make help her to trust you.

My GF grabbing my cell doesnt bother me at all, but it pissed me off something fierce the first time she went into my wallet. At first she thought it was because I had something to hide but now we've talked about it and she understands that my wallet is my personal space, which for you is your cell. Talk to her and explain that it isnt a trust thing and its just that certain things are "your" space and while you are okay showing her your cell, her just grabbing it invaded that space and made you uncomfortable.

Hell I won't even touch my wifes purse or wallet, even if she says to get something out. If she asks me to get something out for her, I just bring her the whole dang purse! My wallet and laptop are my personal space, and she doesn't go into either one, and I don't touch hers. It's more a respect for personal space ya know?

Im pretty much screwed now with the way I reacted. She already had trust issues with guys and I thought I was finally making headway for her trusting me. I think I just threw all that out the window even when I explained my reasoning

Exactly the same way with me. I feel extremely uncomfortable going through my gf's purse if she asks me to get something out. Most time I just bring it to her. It irks me when people use my computer as well. Again, I don't have anything to hide and my gf knows I have porn and whatnot, but I just don't feel comfortable with people using it without my supervision. Same with my wallet and cell phone, as well as info such as passwords. No matter how much I trust the person.

tell her to read this thread so she will understand you're not the only one that is like that.

I dont touch Dave's phone even to get a phone number off it lol I have him text it to me. He in turn is like another poster, if I need something out of my purse he brings me the entire thing

You are screwed and this situation is your fault but for different reasons than I think you realize - if you're willing enough to accept your lovers lack of trust towards you for actions that don't stem directly from your actions then your self-esteem is doomed along with your relationship.

I highly doubt that there's anyway in which you could've reacted that would've brought about a different result. Unless you've cheated on her before, you deserve better than this and if you two aren't willing enough to give each other the sort of trust and respect that any healthy relationship requires then you might as well end it now.

Trust.

Well, in hindsight if you had not flipped out that probably would have helped but it's too late now. One of the biggest things that helps Joe and I is to try to remain calm when something gets to you, SOs don't respond well to yelling and such in my experience so just try not to do it again. (easier said than done, I know)

Other than that, explain to her as simply (and as calmly) as you can and if that fails have her read this thread. I agree with Shani there, you are not the only one who feels that way and maybe she just doesn't realize it.

Didn't even think of this, but so true. :thumbsup: :)

I'm a big believer in having personal space in a relationship, just got to make sure it goes both ways.

Women are natural born snoops.

They just can't help themselves. They NEED to know. Men just don't have time to bother.

Personal space and personal time is all well and good, but I'm pretty surprised by most responses to this thread. I'm married, but we were pretty open long before that.

Wallets/purses/cellphones are open game. Sometimes her cellphone is dead so she takes mine. Sometimes I need cash so I raid her purse. We share both computers, including one instance of outlook express (with different inboxes and folders to keep things organized, but no passwords). And speaking of passwords, unless it is something that changes like bank accounts, they are usually a variation on the same one. I'm pretty sure her current webmail account password is my current tfp password.

Was she that interested in your numbers? Going to take a photo of you? Going to add her number? Did you ask her?

I'm a private person, so I understand. Well, private when I'm not posting on this website anyway!! I hate people going through my purse. And I think Hubby is afraid he'll get bitten by a 'female thing' if he sticks his hand in there.

Hubby and I switched cell phones before he was sent overseas last spring. He had alot more important numbers than I did, and didn't want to lose them. If he's going to lose/damage one overseas, I think he'd rather lose/damage mine. Hmmm....that didn't sound good...

This is basically how Joe and I are as well, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. :)

Girls maybe, not women.

Women have better things to do.

I have my computer password protected and I expect her to have hers protected as well. Even when we used the same computer, we had our profiles password protected.

Like others, I don't go into her purse and get uncomfortable if she goes into my wallet.

My space is my space and vice versa. Mutual respect and trust (to not snoop).

Hahaha. I'm happy to hear I'm not a freak, lol. This is another one of those issues where both the guilty something to hide people and the personal space crusaders have the same reaction.

You shouldn't feel bad about being uncomfortable with that sort of thing. You should feel bad about flipping out on her instead of communicating... and she has trust issues, lol.

I have a very weird relationship with my best friend, with whom I share my home--she knows all my passwords, I know hers, we go into one anothers' accounts, she checks my phone when I'm away and vice versa, she gave me her cell phone with all her contacts still in it.....maybe its because we're not fucking that nothing is that private.

Thank you, Sultana. I was just about to respond with a big ol' STFU, but you said it in a much more civilized manner. :thumbsup:

I watched my incredibly insecure mother go through my stepdad's wallet on a regular basis, as a child. I thought it was the most invasive thing you could do to a person. My mother also snuck around to read my private journals as a child, a fact which pissed me off more than you can imagine. I could not understand her total and complete breaches of my privacy.

In my marriage, my husband and I respect each other's privacy to the hilt. We have no need to "inspect" each other's cell phones and computers... wtf??? I keep a private journal that I store on the nightstand by the bed. It's in plain sight. He could read it anytime he wants. He never does. I don't go looking through his e-mails. I never look at his phone unless my battery is dead. I just don't see any reason for being that snoopy about your partner's life, unless you are afraid they are involved in something illegal or dangerous to their or someone else's health. If you're just insecure and have a need to "know" something? Well, get the fuck into therapy and LEARN HOW TO TRUST. If your partner is doing something behind your back, you're gonna find out in one way or another. Better to find out while you're on the moral high ground of not having invaded his or her privacy while doing it.

That's all I have to say about that.

And something that's always done when a person has 'trust issues'-they seek out a reason not to trust, effectively sabotaging their relationships. Then they fulfill their dire predictions for a doomed relationship: "He wouldn't share with me".:shakehead:

I think this can be looked at in different perspectives. My previous post noted that my wife and I are very open with our phones etc. That isn't related to a lack privacy or respect or trust, just a lack of arbitrary protection in place. Just not needed, nothing to hide. We are separate people, but the trust is implicit.

More convenient too; earlier this week I forgot a phone number that had been emailed to me, so I phoned home and got her to check my email account, find that email and number. Not to mention that I don't have to enter passwords all the time.

Sit down with your cell phone and her.

Ask her "what part where you curious about?" Then show her that part, with you running it. When she asks for another part, say "Just one more part, ok?"

Personally I feel that in a proper, adult relationship people shouldn't have anything to hide, why should you be uncomfortable with someone using your computer (maybe even seeing your porn?) if they are meant to be sharing your life with you?

Things should be completely open, that's how trust is earnt.

The beginning of this month I went to visit an out of town friend that was a bit more than a friend but bc of the distance not a relationship. The day I got there he went through my phone. I already deleted my texts bc he gets jealous of other guys. Throughout the week I was there he was always looking when I got a text or phone call to see who it was. It bothered me but I dealt with it. He used my laptop while I was there which was fine until he started going through all of my files and all of my emails. That just pissed me off. So he gets mad when I take my computer and says Oh you got something to hide? No dipshit, its just you are getting to nosey. He was mad but my things are my things - I dont like when people snoop, through your phone, mail, computer, wallet/purse - it is rude. To me they want to find something which is why they are looking.

Exactly... this is how it is for us, too. We don't password-protect things, I don't hide my journal under the bed or something, we don't get all antsy about using each other's laptops... simply because it doesn't matter. We don't have anything to hide from each other (unless we are trying to surprise the other person with something nice, which is an entirely different issue!). :)

As Bossnass said, if I need him to check my e-mail when I am away from my desk and he's near a computer, for example, he does it without thinking. We know each other's passwords, but we never use them unless the other person asks us to (or we ask permission first). To use that kind of knowledge "against" each other would be extremely destructive to the relationship.

We just don't have any need to "snoop;" if one of us started doing that, we would talk to the other about it pronto and find out where the insecurity was coming from. But that hasn't happened yet. The trust is implicit and is an integral part of our relationship, as Bossnass said. I can't imagine a relationship working in any other way, but that's just me.

Damn, this issue rubs me the wrong way. I just would not tolerate any kind of breaches of trust like this... not even a hint of it. I saw how it destroyed my parents' relationship and I will not carry that into my marriage.

Abaya and her hubby and just like Dave and I, especially the surprise stuff lol We only have one bank account and as most people know, you cant have two paypal accounts with the same bank account, so when its surprise time I have to log in to his email to foward and delete the paypal notification or else he knows exactly what I've found him on ebay before Im ready for him too. W

We know the passwords for everything each of us has passwords for, this is done for two reasons. 1. if anything should happen to either of us we can access anything we might need to (example if I got hit by a truck and he needed to make our online payments, handle the checking acct, get to the email address book to let people know etc) 2. When dave is out of the country somewhere without internet and needs me to access something for him I can. The difference is...we dont take advantage of it. I dont go around reading his emails etc unless he ASKS me to.

IF he needed to use/access my phone he would be more than capable, yes there have been one or two times we've had to do it on both sides out of necessity. We both have people that send us porn pics of themselves and if we want to share we forward them to each other, I dont need to login to his account and check up on him. I trust him 100% and he does me as well.

Anyone who knows us, knows we are about as open as two people can be, we were just both brought up to respect another persons privacy, and know without a doubt if there is something to share....it will be done...no ifs, ands or buts about it.

The main difference here than the OP? We have been together almost 4 years, not 2 months and we are married. I would NEVER dream of being with someone two months and go through their stuff. But as Sultana pointed out...WOMEN dont need to do that, thats part of what being a grown up is about

I guess I always seem to date mid-30's girls then.

I've never known any of my GF's not to snoop. The last GF went through my closet while I was downstairs and found all my bondage gear :eek:

Even though I never raised the topic with her (waiting for her, or could have let it slide) she certainly tore me a new one when we broke up using it as a major piece of ammo (You're a sexual deviant, etc.)

Hum i dont think her looking at your phone should be a problem at all. I personaly think you over reacted. But... i let my friends look through my phone and my computer and my wallet i just dont care. Asking her not to look at that stuff would be fine but getting mad at her for doing it before you told her not to is overreacting. If you really dont have anything to hide... why care if she looks at it? Now if she starts calling people from the caller id in your phone thats diffrent. But shes your girlfriend this is someone you should trust with pretty much everything. its just a phone. This is the person your supposed to share all your most personal and private things with... i mean think of sex... if your not comfortable with them in your phone but you are with them in your pants... i think maybe things are a bit backwards.

Then clearly you're dating the wrong kind of girls, no matter what their ages are.

I have been trusting enough of my SO to leave my personal belongings out and about, and without fail, he goes through it every time. Then he gets pissed off at me when I'm venting in my journal. This has happened so often now that it comes down to how sneaky can I be, where can I hide it, so that he doesn't catch me venting, doesn't get mad at me, and then we have no problems. :rolleyes:

So, trust works both ways. No, you're not wrong to want to keep something private. Just try to find a rational way to communicate this to her. If she can't accept that, well, it's up to you to decide if this is something you can compromise on, if you're willing to work on it, or if it's a deal buster.

Also, two months isn't exactly a ridiculous amount of time in which to learn to trust one another, which explains why you freaked out instead of rationally explaining your point of view, and maybe also why she went through your phone.

Seriously, i really don't get what the big deal is with going through your SO's wallet, or computer, or whatever else...

healer lets me play with his phone all the time...and i let him play with my phone all the time. if i need to get something out of my bag and i'm not close to it, and he is, i'll ask him to get it for me ...and he won't bring me the whole thing, he'll bring me the exact thing that i asked for.

if he needs something out of his wallet that he can't reach...he'll ask me to get it and again, i'll just get the thing that he asked for.

fine, i get what everyone else is saying...but personally, to me, it's about trusting your SO and especially yourself, so that you are able to let them do that and so that they are able to think they can without being worried that you'll flip your lid.

seriously...

It's not about lack of trust at all. It's about having something that's just yours. It's about respect. My behavior extends to my parents and friends as well. I don't go through their belongings and they don't go through mine even though we trust each other completely. I don't understand why this is a hard idea to grasp.

Seriously...

What it eventually boils down to is that everyone has different levels of personal privacy. Some people love being around others, and need almost no time 'alone.' Others (introverts) need more 'alone time' to sort out their bidness.

Likewise, some people are comfortable sharing everything and anything with anyone who wants to know. Others have certain things that are there private areas, and they don't appreciate others invading them.

The point is not to go invading other people's personal space or personal time willy-nilly, until you know exactly what THEIR boundaries are, not yours.

That's what his girlfriend did, and thats why I think it's a problem.

Seriously....

Well it escalated and we are no longer seeing each other. Its more complicated than just that incident, but thats basically when it all started.

A few days later while eating dinner, my son decided to throw out the nugget that I had another girlfriend. (which I dont) but he is very perceptive and i guess hearing what we were discussing decided to say it. That isnt the first time he has done that to me, but the first time that someone believed him. I had a nice talk with him and understand why he did it. I mean he still wants me and his mom together, but I just have to get him to stop that behavior. We had a good talk and hopefully he understands now.

she had serious trust issues.

move on. :) better women out there.

If I'd been dating a girl for only 2 months, I dont know that I'd like her clicking through my phone or whatever.

after 4 years, I'm kind of at a point now where I dont care where she feels like snooping around, it doesnt bother me.

she, on the other hand, is a bit more protective of her stuff...weird women.

Nobody touches my stuff without my permission because it's my stuff. Maybe it's because I grew up with (and still live with :rolleyes: ) a snooping mother who can't stand not knowing everything about me and where I am, what I'm doing, etc, maybe it's because I was picked on a lot as a kid and kept to myself, maybe it's just the way I am, but my stuff is private.

so, are you saying that you will never let your SO take some money out of your wallet for you or one day you're not home and you need something on your computer, you're not going to call them and ask them to to and look for it for you?...i grew up with a mother who snooped (who still snoops) and ho wants to know everything about me.

its just that...and i personally don't see what the big deal is. that is just my opinion and it differs from a lot of you guys.

but just because i let my SO go through my stuff and don't really care about it, doesn't mean that i am not a private person or a person who doesn't like time at alone.

i get that its not a trust issue to some people but to others it is and maybe that girl was hurt once before and when he blew up at her for wanting to look at his phone something inside her clicked that "this has happened before" and then the son just escalated the whole thing.

but after two months and you don't know much about this woman, could you blame her really? i mean, she might not even have known that he didn't like it and to be perfectly honest with you guys...she shoulda asked first. but none of us know whether she did it sneakily or playfully...so, she might have had some trust issues but if he really liked this girl he would've communicated better.

and again, please may i state this, that this is my OPINION. i am not trying to make anyone see it my way or any other way...its what i think and thats that.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I've been trying to explain that very thing to my kids. I like to have a few things that are mine and not messed with. So the next time I go to use them, they won't be...lost, coated in peanut butter, broken, sticky, missing files, filled with cracker crumbs, a different color (I have 3 kids). I just want my things in the same spot/condition as I left them. With a person I'd dated 2 months, I wouldn't like a person being sneaky to invade my privacy. Why sneak? Just ask me.

Your right that she was screwed over before. And I did over react about it. It ended up making her trust me less. Even though up until that point, I hadnt done anything to her to make her question my motives or feelings.

We both are to blame for how it all went down to be honest. Our relationship went down hill pretty fast after that. We arent even on speaking terms right now. I thought it was going to work out for a while and that we might give it another go, but then i found out she went sleep over at a guys house in his bed the night after we broke up. I knew she went see him. She told me that and I got over it mostly. It bothered me because he tried to hook up with her before and treated her like crap. When we first got together, thats all I heard about. How he was mean and hurt her, etc. But it wasnt till we were hanging out again that I found out she slept there in the same bed. She didnt tell me that right away. When I found that out, I left pissed and she turned it into a reason for her to be mad at me because I left like I did something wrong. It would have been one thing if the guy was just a friend, but he tried to use her before we got together. basically only wanted one thing. They messed around but never went all the way. She was a virgin. So the fact she went to him the night after we broke up made my mind race and she got mad because I didnt 100% trust her and that she didnt do anything. She told me she just wanted to talk to someone and he was the only male she could talk to and I was cool with that. I believed she didnt do anything, but i know he tried stuff with her and the thought of someone trying stuff in a bed with your ex of 1 day hurts a little. But yet I was wrong for being mad. I think she is just a classic manaphobe. I know I have some issues, but if Id gone to a girls house and slept there the night after she broke up with me, she'd never believe nothing happened.

I dont know why I even typed all that lol. It all just went down and Im just a little down over it all. Probably made no sense at all with what I just typed.

Just thought I would add in here real quick. Me and my man know eachother in and out. He goes through my stuff and I his. Not to be nosey, but just because. Like we share a computer and we both know eachothers pin numbers and all our passwords so its not a big deal because we really don't have anything to hide from eachother. And the one who said now that you acted that way when she was just playing around, she will be sneaking through your phone to find out why you acted that way. I can garuntee if you left her alone she would have taken a picture of herself for you (that be if you have a pic phone) or she was gonna leave you a little message for you to recieve later on. The fact that you acted like that, she has lost a little bit of trust in you. If you have that much of an issue with someone touching your things, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. Because relationships are about trust and if you have nothing to hide, then so what if she looks through your phone? Maybe actually opening up to her might help instead of being closed off. Being in a relationship means whats mine is yours and whats yourse is mine. At least a good relationship is like that. But, everyone is different I suppose.

Also, after just reading what you wrote, you see now that you did overreact. I mean come on, if it was the other way around and you decided to just look lets say just at her wallpaper on it and she freaked out and grabbed it out of your hand. What would you think and how would that make you feel? I am sorry you guys did not work out, but she lost trust in you and therefore she felt not secure. As for her running back to the duche that was mean to her, she only went back to the last person that showed any feeling towards her. I dunno why some women tend to do that. For future reference, if you don't have anything to hide let them go through it, they will see they can trust you and like i said, she wasn't probably snooping. And also, if you do have something to hide, better to get it out in the very beginning or else she will eventually find out, believe me, we always find out, becuase it will be 10 times worse if you don't tell her and she finds out on her own.

Also, after just reading what you wrote, you see now that you did overreact. I mean come on, if it was the other way around and you decided to just look lets say just at her wallpaper on it and she freaked out and grabbed it out of your hand. What would you think and how would that make you feel? I am sorry you guys did not work out, but she lost trust in you and therefore she felt not secure. As for her running back to the duche that was mean to her, she only went back to the last person that showed any feeling towards her. I dunno why some women tend to do that. For future reference, if you don't have anything to hide let them go through it, they will see they can trust you and like i said, she wasn't probably snooping. And also, if you do have something to hide, better to get it out in the very beginning or else she will eventually find out, believe me, we always find out, becuase it will be 10 times worse if you don't tell her and she finds out on her own.

I don't think it's just girls, I've know more than a few jealous/curious guys in my day.

Besides that, I like my shit to be my shit. Don't mess around with that. I'm ridiculously independant and hate when boyfriends want to get too into my stuff. I also have nothing to hide and agree that if one were to ASK to see say a cellphone, it would be no issue and I'd allow whomever to take a look. That sneeky shit feels too clingy. I hate clingy.

I have friends who have caught their wives and girlfriends going through all the pockets of the clothes hanging in the closet. My wife once told me my clothes "smelled funny." (Translation: I think I smell perfume on your clothes.)

I told her if she was accusing me of something, she should make sure she was correct, because if I was going to get blamed for it anyway, I might as well do it. I don't recommend using that statement, but for the most part, it ended the accusations.

If my wife went through my cell phone, I would let her, and then there would be a LONG discussion about how I didn't appreciate it.

My phone is password protected, but only so no one can use it if I ever misplace it.

No, he did not over-react. On top of it, she should have apologized and been mature enough to understand that she overstepped her bounds as a 2-month gf.