When to cut ties?
 

Hi Hope you guys can advise on this topic.

I was dating this guy for about +- 8 months and we really connected on all levels and we were great together. The thing was that I never really got to spend loads of time with him we were always trying to find time he was always working and stuff.I spoke to him about finding more time for each other but then he had to go on a business trip and on returning he broke up with me. When I asked why he told me that time was a factor for him and that he didn't want to develop deep feelings for me if he couldn't see me often. In a nutshell. Does this make sense?

So we broke up and it's been 2 months now we chat over email and sms but I still can't get over him.

How do I move on? I honestly feel that he's the guy I want to be with.

Maybe if you thought of your relationship more like "being on hold"...he obviously doesn't have time for a relationship, and is not motivated enough to make time (red flag #1). To be honest, what he said makes complete sense.

Maybe later that could change. But...I wouldn't hold my breath.

If that's really the only reason, maybe things could work out better later on. I'd make absolutely certain that was the only reason, though. In the meantime, go out and meet other people who will make you enough of a priority to create time for you. Then you can see what that's like, and decide if it's enough to help you move on.

I think though that to hurry along the "getting over" him, if that's really what you want to do, you should cut off all contact for a while, as hard as that is. Otherwise, it's like a little heartbreak all over again every time, eh?

Thanks girl deep down I know that I need to move on and meet other people that will make more time of me. Hell I deserve more......we all do.

many fish in the sea... you'll get over him soon enough, at least he is honest about not having time for you. i think its the wrong choice, but thats me. get your self back on the market and start looking again, either you'll meet someone new, or he'll figure out your a treasure and make the time. don't hold your breath on the latter, get back out there and get looking.

if your avatar is anything like you, you'll have no trouble at all.

First off cut off contact as difficult as that will be. Ive tried the stay talking right after a break up and it just drove me insane. I know its easier said than done though.

:) thanks guys can be silly at the best of times I guess.....

If he doesn't figure out that I'm worth his time then bye bye my lover.....would be the best way to say it.

My avatar is not me but I'm not too far off :)

Calibrich

yes its not easy to cut the contact esp when you have feelings for the guy.

The funny thing is that he still tells me that he misses me and wants to see me for a movie or dinner or even a quick chat and yet we aren't dating. How does he find the time for that?

I think he just does't want to be in a relationship maybe he feels trapped. He's just not ready for that step.

guys are silly, girls are silly, I have a black cat.
relationships require both parties' cooperation or they don't work.
...nice avatar.

either cut contact or reframe your approach to be comfortable with the occasional hook up and deal with the pangs of pain after such episodes. unless this thing is long distance; i can't say that he's not being honest about the time issues, but most guys will pursue a chick they're really into within the limited time they have. i'm not saying he's not attracted to you; i am saying he's either not sufficiently into you, or he's not in the right head-space right now in order to get close to someone.

therefore, if you're looking for a more serious connection, i'd suggest you browse elsewhere.

Well said, pigglet.

I find myself in a similar position BlackKittyKat, 'cept I'm more of a hanger on as I've never dated this woman I'm interested in (not for lack of trying). We've been friends now for nigh on 18+ years, and are very close. I'm pretty sure she's just giving me the "polite brush-off". It's very difficult to be found wanting by someone whose opinion matters so much to you. It's like poison to one's esteem and one's masculinity (femininity in your case). Your choices are to either suffer on with little hope, or move on completely. Neither is an appealing choice, but I think moving on would be healthier. Personally, I'm not quite ready to do so, though.

my 2¢

"How do you write women so well...?"
"Easy, I write them just like a man, then I take out reason and accountability..."

:P

Or maybe he really just doesn't feel like he's got time to invest in a girlfriend and an emotional bond. Putting some sort of blame on him isn't going to make it easier to handle, it'll just give you a reason to bash him rather than understand that things happen, and timing is not always in our favor.

He doesn't want to get deeply involved with a girl he can pretty much never find time to see- that's a pretty sound and thoughful decision, actually.

He could just be trying to not be nice. I used that method because I couldnt stand the thought of causing someone pain even though I wanted to break up and all it did in the long run was cause confusion. I started to question my feelings and I pulled her along too long. It was just a mess. There was another girl that came along, but I was scared to let one go, so I kinda skated between both.

You have one-itis. You're focused on him and because you're still in contact you're refusing to move on. Sever contact and start meeting new people otherwise it's not going to get any easier.

that's how I finally got over my ex after dating on an off for the better part of a year. Cut ties with her for 2 months, met my current gf and am now much happier.

how did the story end ... ?

Having just gone through a nasty breakup after a two year serious relationship (engaged), I can't stress how well cutting all ties works. At least for me. Talking on the phone ended up turning into fights. She would randomly come over to my place. It just felt like limbo. Cutting off all communication, though hard, was the only way to move on.

Seeing as how Black Kitty Cat's last activity was 8/17/07, we probably won't ever find out.

I didn't notice the dates. Oh well, I tried to help.