I'm Fucked...
 

The girl came into my store about two weeks ago. Fucking Hot!!!! To make a long story short... We've been talking a lot. I went to see her at work on Wed. She cocktails at a wine. I drank a lot. Went back with a friend of mine last night. Drank a lot. When she got off work we went for breakfast. We made out. This would be all well and good but... I have a girlfriend. I live with her. She has a boyfriend. She lives with him.


I really like this girl.



Any ideas?

There is a game i play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it



Is this the 19 year old that you were "teasing"?

I think you should come clean and just have it out with your girl. If there is going to be a problem with you being yourself, then maybe you can get out before you're committed to more than you like.

Actually yes. Same girl. I failed.

Best thing you can do is be totally honest. You were drinking and you made a mistake. Also you need to ask yourself if this new girl is someone that you could have a relationship with, or care about on an emotional level. In other words, if this was just a physical thing, come clean, and move on. If there may be more to it than that, than perhaps you need to take a break and sort out your feelings. Is the new girl worth giving up the old?

I'm not so sure about that 'being honest' and 'coming clean'. Nothing really happened, he didn't fuck her. 'Confessing' will bring more grief than anything, trust me on that one.
More to the point, it's how King really feels about the girl he lives with. If it's dying, best to deal with that and move on.

Yeah... not gonna say fuck all to my girlfriend.

King, you've always seemed to me to be a swell dude. I think you've answered your own question. :)

How did I answer my own question?

There's always going to be another interesting person. Is something wrong with your current relationship, or is it "grass is greener" syndrome, now that you're past the exciting infatuation stage and a little more "established" with the current g/f?

Grass is greener. I think. I hope.


And damn is the grass green... the greenest I've ever seen.

Time to evaluate your life. Put it all in order. Figure out the priorities. Don't rush, don't torture yourself with grief. See it as a wake-up call. Do you have everything the way you want it in your life right now? What can you do to improve stuff?

There you go. You're fine.

Sometimes in life we are faced with these excruciating choices between the heart and the mind. I've not been too successful in making these choices, lol. Historically I have gone with my heart...and I now know that my heart is not too good at determining what is best for me.

ie, your mind is probably giving you the best advice. Why is that we must fight so hard to do what is best for ourselves? I don't know...it sucks sometimes, but not nearly as much as finding ourselves at the shit end of a bad decision. Good luck, WK. :)

I don't play these games but I have known people who live very vibrant double lives.

I say have an affair.

That's the best advice I've gotten all day.

I agree. Have the affair. Get it out of your system.

Just be ready to face the consequences if you get caught.

"Best" is a relative term, lol.

You either don't love your girlfriend or don't respect her or both. Why don't you just leave her and move on? I don't get people like you. You're clearly not sorry about kissing this other girl and want it to continue. Why don't you? This is like a big flashing sign telling you it's time to move on. Sure you can hide it from her, but as Charlatan said, be ready to face the consequences. Do you really know what your girlfriends temper is like? This may sound dramatic but if you go through with this, just remember that you're playing with four lives.

Impetuous... I don't know that it means he doesn't love his girlfriend and respect is a tricky thing.

As long as you can live with yourself I see no reason not to do what you want. But you are right, King has to realize that there are three other people involved. He may not give a shit about them OR he may give a shit about them just enough to not get caught.

What the. . ? Anyone else comes in here and says he's cheating on his SO and everyone tells him to knock it off and choose one girl or the other, but be honest about it. I recall often seeing comments like "If you're doing something you can't tell your SO it's probably cheating." This place usually takes a pretty dim view on the subject. Why is King any different? Why are you guys telling him to have an affair?

If you cheat on someone, it's an asshole thing to do, no matter who you are. Unless you're in an "open relationship" there is no excuse for screwing around on people. And if you don't think it's cheating unless you actually have sex, then why not tell your girlfriend what happened, and see if she agrees.

I don't believe I have ever told anyone *not* to cheat. I am giving King the advice I give anyone thinking of cheating.

Do it if you want but be prepared for the consequences.

Cheating is a selfish thing but sometimes it's something you need to do (for whatever reason).

Generally, when people go into asking for 'advice', they already know the answer-they want validation.
If I were to ask everyone 'was I cheating?', I know damned well I was or I wouldn't think twice about doing it or ask others about it.
I don't think that's the question here.
Should he 'come clean'? Hell no.
Should he question his own motives and his next step? Yes. This girl he's finding himself into could be the love of his life. She could also just be a warning sign that things need to change. And this is why he has to pursue the issue, if not her. Time will tell....

I say send them both a link to this thread and let them fight over you.

King, you want to pursue the "fucking hot" teenager without consequences to your current relationship? It's your choice to do that and I wonder why you seek approval or advice from anyone.

It's your life and your value system.

Sorry King, I misread one of your previous posts. I think you know what the right thing to do is, and I think it's not what you want to do. If those two were the same thing, or if you didn't know what the right thing to do was, you wouldn't be agonising over this, and wouldn't be asking us.

One response I got once to an old post of mine was that "guilt is not a popular emotion on TFP". I think someone said that guilt is a byproduct of societal conditioning, a concept of morals or something... but I think it's also to do with whether you care, and whether any actions you have committed or are thinking of committing are congruent with your self-concept and what you believe a person like you (or like the person you believe you are) would or should do.

I don't know if that makes any sense... I think you know what I'm trying to say this time.

I didn't name you personally, but as long as we're talking about your advice, it was frankly terrible. Sure it might be fun for King to screw around on his girl, but we also must think of the girl in this situation. Advising someone to purposely and needlessly hurt another person just to "get it out of your system" is not good advice.

Here we completely disagree. You do not NEED to cheat. You don't NEED to have sex with multiple women. You WANT to do it. The pop-psychology movement of the 80's and 90's got a lot of people confused on the difference between "want" and "need" because mature adults realize that what we *want* must sometimes take a backseat in consideration of others. So people who want to play at being mature adults replaced "want" with "need" in order to mentally justify doing things that might hurt or upset others. "Gee, can't help ya. I NEEDED to do it."

Only trouble is, that whole concept is bullshit. King does not *need* to cheat on his girlfriend. He *wants* to. Once we look at it from that perspective, the advice should become clear.

if you *want* to have sex with this girl, do the responsible and mature thing and break it off with your current girl first.

Too true. The answer, king, is do what the hell you want to do. Just make sure it's what you want to do when you do it. You know the possible outcomes, good and bad, of all your choices in this situation.

Time to decide.

Here is how I look at it. At one time, I dated this chick for 3 years. I was living with her parents whom I loved. However, the relationship with this girl who I will call "Christine" (not her name) was miserable. I mean I was really unhappy.

The reason that I didn't get out of the relationship with Christine when I should have was that it was a major inconveniance. Her parents were so incredibly cool -that they treated me like a son that they never had. I really loved them. Their daughter on the other hand -was making my life miserable.

Now I had several opportunities to cheat when I was dating Christine. I never did but really wish I had. One time for instance, I was at a party when another ex-girlfriend and her friend were hitting on me hard... Yes, that's right I turned down a potentially great threesome just to continue the waste of time with Christine.

After the relationship with Christine was over -what was left? Sure I moved on, I had other girlfriends and eventually met my wife but that time with Christine in my eyes -was wasted.

So have your affair if you can. As long as nobody gets a disease and that there are no kids involved -then I don't see a problem.

One thing about the nineteen year old... be warned that if you do break it off with your current girlfriend and end up with her -she will probably cheat on you as well. You know that whole rag about what comes around...

king,

here's my peace:

imagine yourself in 6 months. look into a mirror; who do you want to be looking at? if you had a conversation with that guy, what would your reaction be to his side of the story? you know your situation; none of us do. does your girlfriend deserve this? what agreements do y'all have in place? what is the nature of your relationship, and are you satisfied with it? does she scratch your balls at night so you can fall asleep more peacefully?

how much of a pain in the ass can this 19 year old be? is she stable? are you looking at being caught in the cross-eyes of a horseshit masquerade showdown at the ok corral?

are you ready to lose everything for this tail, and do you want to lose everything. is that what you're ready for?


in my experience and observation, these situations normally self-implode. it looks to me like you're inviting melodrama into your life. maybe you're not ready for the level of commitment your current relationship has evolved to. maybe you're scared that you are ready for that level of commitment.

are you ready for this?

the most important thing, in my opinion, is that you reflect on this internally and determine what you think and feel about it. move outwards from there. you'll come to a conclusion, and you'll act on it.

You hit on a solid point. There is a difference. If this were just a random schmo, I might try to push the morals of the situation. Who knows? They might be convinced that they shouldn't cheat on their girlfriend because it would hurt them. Perhaps they really are undecided, and if we've got the chance to save a little heartbreak, why not?

But WK isn't a random schmo. Most here that have read his posts know that he's a grown adult, and so no one here is going to bother lecturing him on morals. He'll make the decision he's going to make, so people are being honest rather than preachy.

I gotta say that I agree with shakran 100%. Nobody ever "needs" to cheat. That is pure, Grade A bullshit.


Not that any of this matters to WK. I suspect he just posted this thread to show off or something. He obviously doesn't give a shit about the people that he dates, so it's pretty obvious which path he's going to take.

Hmmm. I can recall several threads about cheating in this very forum

Like this one for instance:
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=88272

Sure, cheating may not be for me -but if someone else can stomach it -why not for them?

There is no excuse for cheating. If you want a relationship with the new girl, either break up with the gf, or convince her that you should be able to have more than one (good luck with that...). Anything else just is ridiculously disrespectful, and if you do like your current gf, you shouldn't do horrible things to her.

But you know that... and you know that the advice you are going to hear is either "OMG don't cheat you horrible person" or "Cheat if you can get away with it". Why did you create this thread?

To be clear, I agree. Nobody *needs* to cheat. That was sloppy writing on my part. My intention was to say, sometimes it's what you *want*.

I still stand by my assertion that cheating, while a betrayal, means nothing if you don't get caught. The only person you have to live with is yourself (see the post about looking yourself in the mirror).

It is just one of the *many* consequences of choosing to cheat on someone you "love".

I am not advocating the act of cheating per se. What I am saying is do what you want. You just need to know that there will be consequences (from petty to serious). Just be sure you can live with them.

King knows what he wants to do. I am not Dear Abby and I refuse to take the high horse on this. I simply take the stance that he should weigh the consequences. If his wants are greater than the consequences he has his answer.

Sometimes when we're about to make a potentially life-changing decision, a little validation is a nice thing to have.

After rereading the OP, it seems pretty clear what King's intentions are... the post is 95% about the 19-year-old, and only briefly mentions his girlfriend. I don't really think he was asking if he should cheat or whether he should stay with his girlfriend or not... but how to start a relationship with this other girl without turning it into one big clusterfuck of hurt feelings and messy living situations.

And the answer is that you can't really avoid any of that nastiness, unfortunately. You'll just have to face the music, both with your girlfriend and her boyfriend, if you really want to make the switch. If I were you, I'd tell your girlfriend everything (your feelings, your intentions, etc) and then figure out a new living situation... and then respect what you two had together and don't start dating this new girl until your current girlfriend is out of the picture (meaning you're not living together anymore).

Well everyone here is a grown adult, otherwise they get banned ;) Maybe it's because I approach every day at my job with this attitude, but I don't believe anyone should be held to different standards in a situation than anyone else. If it's reprehensible for you to cheat, then it should also be reprehensible for King to cheat. Easy as that.

If it were just King that we had to worry about when giving this advice, then sure, cheat. Who cares? If you can live with yourself, go for it. But advice like that will also effect King's girlfriend, who does not deserve to be put through that. If the relationship isn't what he wants, he is free to break it off and go after one that suits him better. If it is what he wants, then he needs to realize that some sacrifices have to be made - including not acting on his desire for other women. Or as the old saying goes, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

That saying never did make any sense to me....

IMHO, Treat everyone involved the way you yourself would want to be treated and act accordingly. Perhaps if your girlfriend was doing the same thing you would not want to know about it either until it was time to break things off permanently.

We create and are responsible for the drama in our own lives 100%. Our actions cause other actions, and so forth.

Potential Future WK posts:

This 19 is psycho and won't stop following me.

I feel guilty that I cheated on my current g/f.

She found out and left me, now I have neither.

People aren't like banana splits where you can have multiple flavors. Unfortnately in life you have to pick. All options and possibilities exist until the moment you make a decision and take the step towards it.

This post wouldn't exist if you didn't act on the thoughts you had of kissing her.

We all want what we don't or cannot have. Be grateful for what you have, some people don't have anyone.

You mean the cake and eating it? Me too!! What the hell is the point of having cake if you don't eat it?

Furthermore, how can you eat your cake if you don't have it?