Cheating roommate/girlfriend
 

So as mentioned in previous threads, my now ex-girlfriend is a past cheater (was cheating with me when I met her). Well, now I have found out that she cheated on me (suprise suprise) with my roommate (actual suprise, shock), and pretty much best friend at college. Multiple times. Shes gone. She is out of my life, never to return again again. I'm wondering what your advice would be concerning my roommate? I don't know her side of the story yet (she'll tell me after she gets off work, I assume), because he is the one who told me. Hes been sick about what he did, where as she has not and has lied about it right up till the very end. I am going to get tested for STDs, because she has probably cheated with others, although she does use condoms.

In my head I've pondered reactions ranging from:

~Most Extreme~
Moving out, no longer talking to him
|
Cutting off communication and staying
|
Attempting to forgive him, eventually, but never fulling trust him again
~Least Extreme~

I feel extremely betrayed and hurt. Had it been just one time, I think I could have forgiven him much more easily. But the fact that it happened in a non-isolated manner hurts me extremely. It happened before we were official, and after I even decided to make her my *official* girlfriend.

At the moment I feel that I am at one of the greatest emotional crisis points in my life. I felt like I could handle it if something happened and it had to end with her, but the fact that he betrayed me shakes me to my very core, because he is such a large part of my life. He is my longest running college friend, we live together, and essentially have the same friends. I don't want to have to completely re-establish a social network free of him. I have some extremely spiritual friends whom I feel that I should seek out for guidance and support. I'm not a spiritual person but I don't think I can handle this alone. Feel free to offer any other advice, besides not to date cheaters, because I never will again.

leave or make him leave. i wouldnt even try to make the friendship work cause cheating is the worst fucking thing to do. it's good that she's gone so you should feel the same about him too right?

QFT (quoted for truth)

Look at it this way:

Cheaters < slug shit < slugs < worms < Bees < Birds < Bears < Monkeys < violent offenders in prison < telemarketers < you = me.

Seriously, if you don't think you can't cope without staying friends, just know every time you look at him, you will see him/her together (behind you back laughing at you) if you CAN deal with that, then what the hell, give it a go.

one isolated time would be a stretch. multiple times is absolute, no.

move out or make him move out.

I guess another question is, what should I tell people (my mom). The girl had visited my house like a week ago and my family liked her. Now am I supposed to tell my mom that not only did this girl who she thought was nice and innocent cheat on me, but also that it was with my good friend who has visited my house on multiple occasions as well?

This is difficult, being that mother and brother are coming to visit, along with my aunt and cousin for the first time.

all they really need to know is that you and her are 'broken up'. Why give them details? If you are conserned about how they might react to your friend, I am almost sure that he would not want to be around your family for a while after this happened either. Distance yourself from him, and he will follow suit.

It's not often that Analog and I agree on things. This is one of those times...wholeheartedly. Does that give you any indication of the course that you need to take. Lose the loser.

Did you ever talk to the previous guy? Were you friends with him as well?

You don't sound like you are entirely in a position to be able to throw stones, if you ask me. Lose the girl, but perhaps you can still save your best friend. Remember, he did tell you. He's not doing that to hurt you.

RE-Redlemon:

I did not know her previous boyfriend. He lived in Atlanta, and she had cheated on him previously supposedly due to distance. She broke up with him immediately after we started hooking up. I know it was wrong of me to do it, but I at least encouraged her to break up with him, at the tail of their relationship. She cheated on him with me just as our relationship was supposedly "growing".

Update:

Supposedly he has been telling her that he is in love with her.

Trust is easily given, once betrayed it needs to be earned back if it can be given again at all. That's not an easy thing to do. If he's still pursuing her then he is obviously not valuing his friendship with you over her.

Move on and let them both go. You don't need people like that in your life.

I was kind of on the fence until I heard that.

Kiss them both goodbye. Wish them all the happiness together (poor guy's doomed) and move on with your life.

I'm not going to say what everyone else has said.

Yes, he broke your trust. But he's your best friend. Have you never done anything to break your friend's trust? You've never lied to them or cheated at pool?

Just let him know you're fucking pissed. Have him take you out on the weekend and pay for you to get piss ass drunk. Make him be the kamikaze pilot and take the fat chick home so you can score with the hotty.

Whatever you do, yes what he did was horrible, but dont let it end your friendship.

This is the best way to get on with your life. Let them both go. The distance will give you a new perspective on things, and over time, you'll start to feel better. Sticking around will only delay the healing process.

wow, didn't think anyone would actually vote for keeping the friend. I know I couldn't deal with that. Like Crack said, I would forever see them together every time I looked at him. Which would end up with me hitting him in the face every time I looked at him. Just not really a good basis for a friendship in my book.

Well, unless he likes getting hit in the face I suppose....:lol:

Why would anyone who cared about your feelings turn around and completely betray you? This guy is a dick. Life is too short to deal with people who treat you like crap. There are plenty of other people out there who will make good friends and won't sleep with your girlfriend. Drop him like a hot potato.

Agreed. If he really cared about you, and was really your friend--he wouldn't have crossed that line, no matter what.

My vote is that you should, at the very least, move out. When did he get sick about what he did? Not after the first time. Of that you can be assured. Move out and move on. He's proven, at the very least, that he's not a best friend or possibly even a true friend. Once someone has cheated on you, it is nearly impossible to get any real sense of trust back. Plus be realistic are you really going to bring a new girl around him? NOT! As far as what to tell your parents, it's up to you. I personally have a great relationship with my mom so I can tell her just about anything. They've been alive long enough not to be shocked. If you don't feel comfortable telling them then just say that you wanted to be on your own.

Agreed.

And it isn't like she is Miss Innocent who was loosened up with sweet talk and alcohol by your roomie. She had a history of cheating that you were aware of. If you can honestly put the shoe on the other foot and say you wouldn't have been capable of the same thing as your room mate, then pack up and move out if that is what you think best.

That's why you should salvage the friendship. You were knowingly the "other guy." While he violated a huge rule by being your friend/roommate at the time, but when it comes down to it you did the same thing.

True, I was the other guy, to a guy who she broke up with the very next time she saw him, one week after she met me, who lived 6 hours away. My roommate was the other guy to his best friend who lives down the hall, who was in a relationship that was only growing. Slightly different situation. Her ex boyfriend lost his girlfriend, who he had already lost months ago. I lost my friend/roommate, and my girlfriend, and I'm not sure, but I may end up losing out on mutual friends and I'll probably move out. There are multiple levels of wrong, and I think the only way this could be more wrong was if she got pregnant with his child and didn't tell me. I know what I did was wrong, but it was not equal to what happened to me or some way make me deserve what happened.

I've pretty much decided that I'm breaking off our friendship and moving out as soon as convenient. Thanks for everyone's advice.

It's your choice my friend. However I've been through the same thing, and stayed friends with him. Now he's one of my few friends who I know without a doubt he would drive cross country on a moments notice if I so much as asked him for a favor.

Count me in the unusual-people-in-agreement category. The guy is pondscum. Get rid of the loser.

You know innovis, you have no idea what that other guy was feeling when she broke up with him. That is, if she really did. Maybe she is still seeing that guy.

Maybe he was looking for rings, and then you stepped in. All you really have to go by is the word of your lying ex-girlfriend.

AND: Your relationship wasn't growing, not at all.


Anyway, I don't think you should to horridly worked up over that fact that your Whore went down the hall to your friend. Who knows what she said about you guys. "It isn't working out, we will be breaking up soon..." bla bla blah


I think, you might want to try to save the friendship. That is, if you really are close to this guy. IF he doesn't have a history of dicking you..


Here is what you should do, punishment.
Demand he shave or wax his entire body. hair too, eyebrows too.

When he sees no hair, he will remember why.

Then the only proper reply is "come find me when you break up, and I'll verify it with him"



This isn't highschool. Getting someone to shave is not the answer. Either the guy's a good friend or he's not. The amount of hair on his body has nothing to do wtih that.

One more thought - she is a cheater. She must have been one hot fuck, eh? She was going to cheat on you with somebody. It turned out to be your friend (and perhaps others as well). At some point, her cheating was going to break up your relationship. Thank your best friend for getting her out of the way for you.

If he wasn't your friend, he wouldn't have told you. You have to respect that.

I could buy into that...except...this wasn't a one time "OMG what've I done?!?" thing. This went on "Multiple times". This was calculated. This was deliberate. Mr. Roomate showed innovis no respect when he was banging his girlfriend..."Multiple times". The fact that Mr. Roomate developed a conscience doesn't change that fact. He gets a point for it...but he's already several hundred in the hole. What could possibly atone for that kind of deceit?

Okay, and let me just quote this part again.

Not only did he do what he did (past tense), but this makes it sound like he's trying to parlay it into a relationship in the future. That's the deal-breaker for me. I can forgive just about anything once it's over, but it sounds like this shit ain't over.

Mutiple times. No matter how bad he says he feels now...this is not just any breach of trust. It's of the worst kind. It is unthinkable that I would do that to any friend of mine. Sorry but for me he would have to go. I've shut out friends who crossed me for less.

"This isn't highschool" huh? Well it is college.

You say he is either a good friend or not? Well the same can be said on the other side as well, do you drop your friends whenever they do something wrong?

I just think since he was such a close friend, he shouldn't be dumped so easy.

Call me pyscho, but I'd keep him as a friend. Wouldn't trust him with anything important, but I'd keep him as a friend.

There's a lot of reasons, but the simplest to explain is that if (hypothetically) I cheated with my roommate's girlfriend and he just moved out and hated me, I'd simply feel like.. "fine, fuck you too!"

However, if my "best friend" remained friends with me, even to the point of being better friends after the cheating, I would be so wracked with guilt--- how could I do something so horrible to someone, yet they'll still be friends with me? It might even be enough to convince me that I shouldn't do it to someone else in the future. I'd never cheat, so it's entirely hypothetical -- but I generally find forgiveness a better teaching tool.

Pie in the sky, I know.

But its exactly what I'd do. In my own system of morality it feels more moral (and mature) to forgive and accept even more those who hurt us. Thats not to say that any of you would be immoral or immature for doing so, but I have a hard time turning my back on anyone, regardless of what they've done.

Oh, just one item to append to my "keep him around" thoughts: he dumps the chick immediately as well. Otherwise, forget it.

I forgot your previous threads, so I just went back and read them now. (BTW, they are Once a cheater, always a cheater? and How to discuss issues with girlfriend, constructively?). She's only been around since April. Everyone in the other threads told you to get away from her, and for some reason you wouldn't. Sure enough, the shit came down. Live and learn, find a better woman next time.

From one of your previous threads:

I remember reading this a while back and thinking "I wonder if she's banging his roommate?" I didn't want to seem too far off base so I didn't post it.

Your roommate sounds like he's one of two things. Either he's very easily manipulated or he's a good liar. It's obvious from your posts that your ex-girlfriend is a great manipulator. She got your roommate to think he was in love with her...he's probably inexperienced in sexual relationships. He told her all about your drunken rant toward her, and thought it was justified because he didn't see her as a bitch...he was blinded by love. She also manipulated him into keeping their relationship a secret, until his conscious got the better of him.

Either that or he's just a lying manipulative prick who has been laughing behind your back the whole time, and just doesn't care about your friendship. I don't see this because he didn't have to tell you about the cheating, and he did.

Face it, you guys both got used. You both fell in love with someone who didn't love you back, but she loved the attention and affection you both gave her. If I'm right about this whole scenario, then you both need to swallow some pride and admit that you were both pretty gullable. It would be a shame to see a friendship break up over this. Both of you should chalk it up to learning experiences and move on.

Important New Info
If he hadn't been telling her he loved her as recently as MONDAY, when she was last here, the day before he told me, it would be considerably easier for me to ponder forgiving him. Based on his actions, it just seems like he wanted to get me out of the way to have a chance with her as well.

Last fall, I met a girl and hung out with her and eventually hooked up with her briefly, and then realized she wasn't what I wanted. Then he started pursuing her, and they had a month-ish long relationship. He has a history of chasing after girls who may have had a thing for me but moved on. In my previous relationship, during April/May 2005, my friend introduced us to his friend "Janet", who immediately paid considerable attention/expressed interest in me. I already had a girlfriend, and I wasn't going to let "Janet" jeopardize that relationship so I told her to back off. Then my roommate "dated"(fucked) her for like 4 months. In February of this year, I went on a date with a girl named "Mary". Mary and I hung out a few times and she spent the night once, although we did not hook up. I expressed disinterest in her eventually, and my roommate jumped on that. He pseudo-dated her for 3 months till she moved. The he fucked my now ex girlfriend, shortly after "Mary" moved home to another state at the end of the Spring semester. Basically every girl who I've met and has been interested in me, that he has met, since the end of my last relationship, he has fucked. Whether or not I did anything with them, whether or not I cared about them. It made me very uncomfortable what he did last fall, picking up a girl that I hooked up with. Hell, I'm not even sure if my first girlfriend didn't do anything with him, she had multiple opportunities, although she didn't really like sex to begin with, and they weren't close.

I really hadn't thought about it like this before, but hes done some other shit in his past. He slept with the ex-girlfriend of his best friend at home, and thought for a long time that he'd gotten her pregnant and she had an abortion. He also slept with his other friend's sister behind his friend's back. After realizing this pattern of him picking up my cast-aways, even if I didn't care about them, and then him finally all out fucking me over, I don't think he can be trusted not to try to poach any girls in the future. Especially since he has been doing objectionable shit behind his other friends' backs since highschool.

Edit: To my knowledge, hes never had an upstanding, respectable girlfriend, that he has taken home to his parents, or actually been able to legitimately call his *girlfriend*.

Chalk me up in the "never talk to either of them again" crowd. He's not your friend--a friend wouldn't have done that.

Given the new information, I just have to wonder how you guys have been friends this long. To quote Dan Savage - DTMFA. (that's Dump The Mother Fucker Already to those of you that aren't in the know) Seriously. Tell him to pack up or you'll do it for him.

Yeah, I've switched sides. I was assuming that you had a reason to have him as a friend.

Yeah, if this was the only occurance forgive him. I'm now on the side of forget about him completely after the move.

Man, that's just plain freaky. Almost like he wants to have sex with you by association. Move out and cut ties with him.

pack up, and leave a nice present in his bed for when he comes home...

Ya..hey...ignore my last post, too. The guy has issues and I sure wouldn't trust him.