Your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt
 

As it says: What's your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt?

You know how it goes ... you've got some private jerkoff time to yourself ... so you get some wacky idea to try something ... different. Maybe it's dangerous ... and probably stupid ... but you do it anyway ....

Years ago I wanted to see if I could cum into my own mouth. I kinda wanted to see what my GF put up with. So I did a sort of "neck-stand" with my back propped up against a wall so I could jerk-off while upside down.

There was nothing erotic about it. Each time I neared climax I'd start to lose my balance and my knees would flail to one side or the other and my legs started kicking to either side to keep from falling over. Meanwhile my free arm would thump around the ground and wall in desperation. At times I was flopping from side to side like a pair of palm trees in a hurricane.

In the end I did manage to climax and get most on my face and mouth. It wasn't as fun as I had hoped. My cum certainly tasted better when it was from my GF's mouth and lips. My neck was sore for the next 3 days.


Let's hear your own jerkoff stunt(s) ... (extra points if your jerkoff stunt sent you to the nearest Emergency Department ...)

the trick is to have something to put your legs against above you to stabalize yourself... like the top bunk of a bunk bed...
tried that one once...


other then that I cant think of anything...

Worst for me was when I was a younger teen and still experimenting with what felt good...

Suffice it to say Dish Soap is NOT a lubricant, and will basically make you remain nude for about 3 days since you will be so sensitive, even the THOUGHT of wearing underwear makes you literally break into tears. You can also pretty much forget about trying to get any sleep longer than a half hour at a time for those few days.

I'm a little disappointed to say that I don't have any interesting stories.

I guess i'm not creative enough :(

arrrgghh... When I was a teenager I did try some liquid soap which got into my urethra .... holy heck! That burned!!!

Never rub your dick against carpet while watching your cousin's hidden stash of pornos. I learned that the hard way. In the end, my mom ended up rubbing my dick down with aloe vera, as I got a rug burn. Yup... That was embarassing. I never did that again.

Two things, one risky, one just mental!

- At a theater in London, I was watching Hamlet and trying to stay awake. I was in an aisle seat, and I had a big poncho-y thing that made a tent over me. I very quietly masturbated and had an orgasm that looked like a yawn and stretch. I don't think anybody noticed. But if they did, at least it was more interesting than the damn play:-D

- The other one was just stupid stupid stupid. But it lost me points on my purity test! I was driving back to college by myself, on a deserted and straight-as-an-arrow stretch of Minnesota highway, and I hadn't seen ratbastid for all of spring break. I masturbated and had a big old orgasm while driving down the road on cruise control. I'm lucky I didn't crash, but it was a really good orgasm.

Most of my adventurous masturbations happened when i was in early high school or a little younger. I used to like standing in front of the mirror and watching myself. then i put my balls up on the cold sink counter in the bathroom which was quite intense due to the cold counter. The only problem was cleaning off the mirror.

Another one was walking around the house all alone and jerking off in every room of the house just to do it. Im not sure what the benefits of that were.

More recently, i had a new neighbor move in next door and the wife was a pretty sexy 34 year old. For a while i would go to the window and wait for her to come outside to smoke a cigarette. I became a daily activity. The great thing was that she always wore tight tops and small shorts.

Oh yeah, when i was about 19 and working in a small retail store, AC Moore, which is a crafts store so there are nothing but women that come in there. Sometimes you get these women with their tits hanging out and i would get so horny i had to go to the bathroom to releive myself.

When I was 13 or 14 I did it once while my grandmother slept on the couch beside the chair I was in. Talk about an awkward conversation :)

And Lurkette, don't worry, I do that sometimes when I leave my girlfriends house, after I've fingered her and I have to leave RIGht after.

Although I can't say for certain this story was true, A while back I was out with some of my co-workers, and one fellow shared his story -

Apparently, if you heat the skin of a bananna and use that it feels pretty real - well, apparently this guy had just gotten a new microwave and to make a long story short ended up in the emergency room with 2nd degree burns all over his dick...

I've heard that story too. Just minus the burns. Seems like an inexpensive way to get off :D

Not dangerous, just embarrassing: Jerking off in my bedroom, gf came over to surprise me. She went to the back of the house where by bedroom was and caught me. Not a pretty sight.

Here's one that's risky & embarrassing to tell. When I was maybe 14 or 15, I would occassionally sneak into the living room late at night after everyone had gone to bed, turn on the TV, the only one in the house with cable, and jack off to late-nite soft porn. One particular night, I had the urge, but my mother was on the couch fast asleep. Being a very horny teenager, and knowing Mom was a very heavy sleeper, I decided to take the risk. I actually watched a whole flick and rubbed one out 3 times, and my mother never woke up!

Here's another I just remembered. When I was in my mid-teens, I went on vacation with my parents and sister. One night, at the hotel, while my Mom and sister were out shopping and my Dad was in the shower, I ordered one of those PPV porn flix that they offer on the hotel TV system, and jacked off to it for about 10 minutes until I heard the shower turn off. When my Dad went to pay the bill, I saw it posted on the printout, but he never even noticed (I think).

I don't have a stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt. I'm afraid I only deal in incredibly embarassing ones. :)

I had a roommate share this one with me over lunch. It's cobbled together from what he told me and what I learned from her through a mutual friend. So, it's story by proxy, if that's alright.

My roommate and I worked together. I was low man on the management totem pole and wore a tie, he worked the kitchens and screwed around with the waitresses.

My roommate and his girl du'jour were in his room the previous afternoon and it was getting pretty hot and heavy. They dropped trou and she lept on the bed and began masturbating. Needless to say this got my roommate's full attention and he began jerking off at the foot of the bed. She's really getting into it and decides to flip around and lay down on her back with her head hanging off the bed. He walks over to get a better look because he still wants to rub one out before the main event (this was ritual, he told me. Made him perform better, he said).

So, there they are, her on her back head hanging off the end of the bed and he standing over her. One thing leads to another and she starts (and I really don't know how to say this in polite company) sucking his balls.

Somewhere along the way, something tickles her nose and she thinks she's going to sneeze. The kind of sneeze that shakes your whole body. A big, wet sneeze. She, sort of a reflex reaction thing, brings her hands up real fast towards her face to stifle it. My roommate, who has no idea what's going on, just sees two hands coming real fast towards his most precious possession and he freaks out and tries to get himself out of the way.

Turns out she didn't have to sneeze at all and she missed nailing my roommate in the nutsack completely. Unfortunately, when he tried to catch himself, he stumbled and fell backwards, hit his head on the dresser and, he thinks, blacked out for a moment.

They were both pretty horrified about the whole thing. She gathered up her clothes and hit the door running leaving my roommate on the floor still very naked. They were incredibly uncomfortable with each other for a couple of weeks and then she went back to school and he went back to...well, other waitresses

lol ... that's a good one, guthmund.

Only once (or twice) have I jerked off in the shower/bathtub ... seemed like a logical thing to do since you're being cleaned off anyways ....

.... I thought it was a good idea until I stepped on a cum-spill patch and started slipping and sliding and nearly killed myself ....

mmmmm, lets see, I did the neck-stand against the wall thing. My bed was against the wall so it was pretty easy to stay balanced. Actually did it a few times, but then I got neck-aches and stopped.

Only other thing I can think of is that I used to use pillows with a sock between them. After using a sport sock the first time....and getting rugburn, oh what wonderful fun that was, I went to the mall and got some expensive silk things. Yes, I went to sears or JC Pennys or somewhere and bought silk socks for like 8 bucks for masterbation. It worked pretty darn well too. I'm actually kind of proud of it. :rolleyes:

Other than that...a few public bathrooms but thats not really much of a risk. Exiteing though, knowing that someone is in the stall next to you and has no idea what your doing. But that also works the other way, and now, every time I go into a public bathroom I'm just sure that the guy next to me is beating off. :lol:

Im a pilot and I once beated off while descending from 14000 to 2,000ft. ITs about a 3min trip, I knew i had to do it quick or be left dissapointed, it took all my imagination powers but I got a load out at 2300, just in time to level off and land.

cargo hauling (single pilot), not people btw...

Solo? I don't have any good stories.

Spoiler: Hand job? My wife gave me a hand in a bathroom not a block from the Sistine Chapel. It was religous.

Don't use vaporub as a lube. I'm not doing that again.

One time I fucked my couch.

I heard that if you get a plastic bag and lube it up (I used vegetable oil) and put it in-between the cushions on your couch, you could fuck it like it was a chick.

Didn't work.

Please tell me you're not serious? I can't even imagine how that must burn... OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Theres been a few, as masturbation is one of my most enjoyable hobbies!

Very young, cut a hole in a peach, tried to fuck it and it disintegrated all over the bathroom (parents)

In the woods taking a short cut after a night at the pub. pitch black standing up in the big wide open. that was great

over my ex gf while she slept heavily drunk. standing next to the bed on her side. wanking in her face! came all over her bed, didn't clean it up

most recently I have tried deep heat muscle pain rub. I recommend it, but not too much and make sure you haven't shaved your nuts a day or so before, stings the open pores (well more like molten lava burning). rub some into the shaft, then the head, when its all rubbed in use some vaseline to work yourself off. kind of numb, warm pleasure.:thumbsup:

tried masturbating with a banana (read about it on the internet). basically chop the top off a banana, scoop out the banana as much as you can, masturbate. of course the banana i used had to be HUUGE.
anyway, it was a real mess and the banana stained a chair. my girlfriend's chair. she will live in ignorance of this.

I had a buddy who used to do this, although he recommended lotion as the lube. Never did have the guts to try fucking my mother's couch personally.

When I was a teenager, I rubbed one out driving down I-5. I dont think anyone ever saw me, but everytime I passed a big truck I would quickly cover up. Those McDs napkins came in real handy.

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Your joking right?

Cameron - ew? Are you serious?

As for me, nothing particularly dangerous or funny. Stupid would be in high school, in our study (where my family had all of our workdesks). When alone, I'd whack off into a 35mm film canister. (For some reason, the thought of using facial tissues hadn't come to me.) I had a few sessions stored in there, which kinda smelled, but it was OK as long as the container was capped.

Then I spilled it on the carpet. I think I cleaned it sufficiently to cover the smell; no one said anything, at least.

Cameron wins. Jeez, dude.

I'm as shocked as everyone else, but please explain this "one thing led to another," I can understand how that works with another living human who is responding to your advances... but a dead person?

Couch? I thought you were supposed to put it between the box spring and the mattress.

Didn't work either.

Wow...

I know the TFP is usually pretty open minded, but....

Really?

Whether that's true or not, I find it and the replies really funny :lol: Thanks for sharing.

This is like one of those moments in real life when someone says something and everyone stops and just looks at them, mouths slightly agape with shock.

Yay for the internet.

Whoa, giving stiff to a stiff is definately winning...

Sheesh, I was really enjoying this thread.....up to this point.

And, technically, I don't think this qualifies as masturbation.

Well...technically...he was alone.

In the absolute broadest of terms, it would be somewhat akin to the use of other inanimate objects. Sofas, bananas, a pound of ground round...what have you.

I, personally can't see it. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I'm not...in to, that others are. In any event, i do see a lot of fodder here for another thread...were anyone so inclined.

Oh, and...Wow. Just...wow.

Well, technically, I guess you are right. It's hard for me to disassociate a person's humanity (for lack of better) with their body, I suppose. Dead or otherwise. I mean, someone who is passed out drunk is inanimate......

At any rate.....wow, is right.

I do believe necrophilia is a crime, at least in California....

without wanting to do any searching .. I would venture to say that it's illegal in all 50 states....

I guess I'm not the odd after reading some of these posts (except for the corpse sex which i doubt is true)

These are all from high school:

I used to take shortcut between some neighbors yards from my friends house. One night, I just stood in the middle of the yard and jerked it.

Once I was staying at my friends house and was watching some soft core porn on the tv and rubbed one out. Did I mention that my friend was asleep about 10 feet from me? Yeah that was weird when I think about it now.

Once I was taking a dump at my friends house during a party....his brother left a stack of playboys in the bathroom and I decided after flushing and wiping that it was a good moment to shake hands with the unemployed.

Once I was doing homework at the kitchen table while everyone was asleep and just dropped goo underneath the table into a napkin.

Once I went to the bathroom during school and stroked it. I didn't ask to use the bathroom to piss or shit, I asked to use the bathroom because I thought it would be funny to polish the bishop at school.

And once I did it in my car while driving home late one night. Just to do it.

Shoot - I've tried way too many stupid things.

1. 9 volt battery on my wet clit. More OUCH than Ohhh
2. Icyhot on my clit. Nice for the first minute. Then BURN for the next 10 minutes. and washing it off was just as much torture. Warm water felt like it was burning, and cool water felt like ice.
3. In 6th grade I masterbated in a stall in the girls bathroom at school. One of the pranks that girls did was standing on the toilet and pop up over the top of the stalls to peak at each other. One brat did it to me. She was my worst enemy in the class. She caught me and promptly told the teacher. That was a nightmare.
4. Mom caught me masterbating in bed at home.
5. Did it in my bunk in my dorm room at college. Nobody was awake as far as I know.
6. Washed a large cucumber and put it in the microwave for about 15 seconds. Just enough to get it warm. That was a good idea.

I'm sure there's plenty of other crazy stuff I've tried with the goal of getting off in mind. Not all worked but some did and that's the best part.

I've done the neck/headstand thing too, surprising how many guys have done this. I also have made sure to taste my own cum just so I know what the ladies are enduring. I have to say, it's not bad, (at least not as bad as my wife makes it out to be, lol) but I definately prefer the taste of pussy.

I tried rubbing the head of my cock with Ambesol (a numbing liquid made for cole-sore pain relief). I figured with a numb cock, I'd have super longevity (why I wanted that while jerkin' the gerkin' I don't recall) Anyway, when I did finally climax it was a very strange feeling. There were no ill effects, so I did that a few more times.

I get hugely turned on if I shave my pubic hair. I currently have some nice man-scaping going on, but every once in a while I just have to shave it all off. I get such a raging hardon while shaving it all off, that it takes 10 strokes or less to get jizzy wit it. (I'm erect just typing the story)

After a party everyone left at the house was all sleeping / passed out and I slipped outside naked into the pool and cranked one out. Hope the filter was in good working order.

I'm sure I'll think of more later...

One of the funniest reactions i get from friends was when i told them that my late father burst in on me while i was on my knees with my dick in between the toilet seat and the porcelain bowl trying to finish off a wank i satrted on the toilet. was only about 14 so in the distant past.

Aaaah, I think I qualify that as losing in every sense of the word.

Rubbing one out to a nude dead person... Fucked up, but I could deal with. Fucking a dead person? Ugh... Beyond words.

I'm hoping against hope that that story was one of those "This one time i was in this morgue, and this dead chick was really hot, and I was thinking 'ya know, it would be fucked if i were to fuck this dead chick' but no... I can't do that" type of situations, that by the magic of the internet, became real, because the idea was full fleshed at the time.

Pardon the use of any terms that may seem punnish.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE ???

I've dated only one girl nutty enough to try stuff that's comparably outlandish (or at least one who'd admit to it) - and we had a blast. Why we didn't work out is a different matter...

I'm still looking for a woman as fun and twisted as I am.

I learned the lesson of not using aftershave or soap of ANY kind as a lube (my dick hurts just thinking about it :( ) the hard way. A bit of toothpaste mixed with lotion works really well, though.

I don't like the idea of jacking off in bathroom stalls or anywhere else public, but there were several occasions when i would get bored on a road trip and jack off while driving. Takes me forever to get off since I can't really get comfortable, but it's a fun way to pass the time. :thumbsup:

My riskiest jack-off was at a warehouse job I had earlier this year, sitting in a corner, out of sight behind my forklift. since it was such a huge place, I didn't have much chance of getting caught, but I was still nervous. I'd been wanting to do it all day, and finally couldn't stand it anymore, so I just went for it.

Way back during puberty, when I was first mastering that potential, it was all so new and shocking, and I had a few hits and misses. Remember that at that time, it was more about basic accomplishment than anything else.

In one of those early misadventures, I was working it and working it without any success. I wanted to finish so bad, but ended up peeing on the bed instead. :rolleyes: There's no credible lie a 12 year old can come up with for peeing in the bed.

Also in those days, I once tried Vaseline as the lube because I heard that's what you use. Once.

That shit is stinky, sticky and almost impossible to clean up.

I've come along way baby!

First Time Alone
 

When I was younger my friend told me about Masterbation and that day I was home alone So I decide to take my moms favorite perfume bottle and stuck the side with the spray nozzle in me and when i started getting a thrill it sprayed in me. It burnt like hell and when I yanked it out the top got stuck. So I had to use my dads tweezers to pull it out.

I started jerking off when i was like, REALLY young. i didn't even get it, and had plans about how i would become rich telling people about this new jerking off sensation.

I remember sometimes i'd be lying next to the floor jerking off when parent's friends came around, or when watching pokemon or something.

when I was 16, I tried to use a vacuum... and didn't realize it was pluged in...
HURT LIKE HELL! And no one was home, so I was in pain!

What, exactly, did you expect to get out of sticking your dick in an unplugged vacuum?

Well I know that! Just I fell and it got stuck and THAT'S when it hurts :3