How to communicate a relationship is casual - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

xim · 05-03-2006, 04:14 PM

I am enjoying being single right now, and would like to date around a bit before finding someone who is worth getting more serious with.

I have a first date with someone tomorrow. How can I go about letting her know that I am not looking for anything too serious at the moment? I just want to have fun in the moment, and not end up tied down.

When should I tell her this? It seems kindof silly to jump in with it immediatly, as it would be assuming that she wants something serious with me, and we practicly just met. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and we haven't even gone out yet.

Do you guys assume all dates are moving towards seriousness? I know I havent given much info about her, but is this what people generally expect? What I'm asking is, in your mind, is casual dating the default or is dating towards monogomy your default? Or maybe not in your mind but the majority of minds you have encountered.

Should I wait until she asks me where our relationship is going before I tell her? How should I handle this?

Cynthetiq · 05-03-2006, 04:19 PM

why do you have to front load the date? isn't it a bit presumptuous that you'll have more dates after this date????

Just relax, enjoy yourself, see where it goes. Wait until the 2nd or 3rd date (or even longer) you go out to make sure it's clear that you don't want to be with just one person.

maleficent · 05-03-2006, 05:00 PM

Sometime late last year - I was supposed to have a date with a fella - the day before we were supposed to go out, he calls me to tell me that he didn't want anything serious - wasn't looking for a commitment of any kind.. and well - -didn't plan on spending the night..

Ummm...

After I got done laughing... I was puzzled...

I gave no impression that I was expecting him to move all his belongings in to my apartment, declare his undying love for me and swear off all other women... Heck I don't get asked out that often -- but come on already... Do guys really expect women to act like that? dare to think that most women don't.

I think it's awfully presumptious to tell a person that they have no expectations for any kind of commitment before you actually go out on a date... Who the hell knows.. this might be the person of your dreams and you've already blown it...

Wait... see where it goes... see how it goes... you don't need to advertise that you are dating other people... double booking however is a little rude.

However, when there's sex involved - I think you owe it to the other person to be honest before you take you clothes off... She/he needs to know if you plan on fucking one -- or many... for no othe reason than protection of both the physical self and the emotional self.

For most people, dating doesn't imply much of a commitment, once there's sex involved (at least in my old fuddy duddy world) then there's some form of commitment - maybe not the rest of your life happily ever after bs... but.. there's some connection/

Invalid Comfort · 05-03-2006, 05:11 PM

I have a friend that goes to a college around here. We'd been out on a couple dates and hung out quite abit, made out and some other innoculous things..

Well the question camea couple weeks ago: "what are we?"

Knowing that I don't personaly want anything serious, I kept in mind that she might and didn't discard the possibility of anything serious in the future.

My response:
"Just two people that are looking for good company"
She replied with something else, I don't remeber exactly, but I remember that I replied with something along the line of:

"I like to let things happen on their own". I don't remember exactly what I had said, but I got across the point that I wanted it to stay as friends if I lost the benefits, because her friendship is more important to me than the other things :P.

I was impressed with myself as to how clever it was, and that she took it well. One of her friends thinks we are dating, and often refer to us as so. My friend and I both know different, so we just smile and nod

.

Long and boring story short: If she asks what it is, let her know what you would like out the relationship, emphasize friendship if that's more important to you. All in the ways as to keeping your options open till you find the one that you would like to be serious. Just be careful as to what you say, because I have learned from my limited experince, It will ALL be heard. Connotitions and Literal meanings both.

Elphaba · 05-03-2006, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

For most people, dating doesn't imply much of a commitment, once there's sex involved (at least in my old fuddy duddy world) then there's some form of commitment - maybe not the rest of your life happily ever after bs... but.. there's some connection/

I agree in that I am also a fuddy duddy. What I have difficulty understanding is the "fuck buddy" or "friends with benefits" thing. It seems sex under these labels may have no connection at all and certainly no commitment is involved.

'Tis a mystery to me.

Poppinjay · 05-03-2006, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Invalid Comfort

I have a friend that goes to a college around here. We'd been out on a couple dates and hung out quite abit, made out and some other innoculous things.

You both had to get shots? That sounds serious.

xim · 05-03-2006, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

why do you have to front load the date? isn't it a bit presumptuous that you'll have more dates after this date????

Have you ever been to a college campus?

(edit: oh you mean dates with her? I dont know if you are expressing your own insecurity or trying to make me insecure. Are you saying I would be better off if I was worried about wheather she liked me or not? There are 150 thousand girls my age within a 5 mile radius of me. Thats not such a problem.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I think it's awfully presumptious to tell a person that they have no expectations for any kind of commitment before you actually go out on a date... Who the hell knows.. this might be the person of your dreams and you've already blown it...

I'm not looking at this from the same perspective as you. I dont care about finding a person who I can call my soul mate. I'm 21. For me, to "blow it" would be to accidentally get stuck in a long term relationship that inevitably will end in a painful divorce/breakup, because if for no other reason I will not have satisfied my longing for the party life. Then I'm out on my own, forein to the dating world for 7 years, and eat TV dinners until I die. Best date/sleep around until life slows down in 8 or 9 years, at which point im sure someones biological clock will persuade me into submission.

But as for telling a person this in a nice way I'm just thinking: too early and its presumptious, too late and I've been lying.

I don't know where the middle ground is.

Invalid Comfort · 05-03-2006, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppinjay

You both had to get shots? That sounds serious.

in·noc·u·ous :

1.Having no adverse effect; harmless.
2. 2. Not likely to offend or provoke to strong emotion; insipid.

So my spelling was alittle off :P. ;.;

Vincentt · 05-03-2006, 11:01 PM

I've always thrown a "I'm just looking to have some fun" or "I just want to relax", or even a "not looking for anything serious right now"

In the middle of normal conversation.

Hardknock · 05-04-2006, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xim

I am enjoying being single right now, and would like to date around a bit before finding someone who is worth getting more serious with.

I have a first date with someone tomorrow. How can I go about letting her know that I am not looking for anything too serious at the moment? I just want to have fun in the moment, and not end up tied down.

When should I tell her this? It seems kindof silly to jump in with it immediatly, as it would be assuming that she wants something serious with me, and we practicly just met. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and we haven't even gone out yet.

Do you guys assume all dates are moving towards seriousness? I know I havent given much info about her, but is this what people generally expect? What I'm asking is, in your mind, is casual dating the default or is dating towards monogomy your default? Or maybe not in your mind but the majority of minds you have encountered.

Should I wait until she asks me where our relationship is going before I tell her? How should I handle this?

Three words....

LET'S

BE

FRIENDS

Problem solved. That'll be five cents please.

Cynthetiq · 05-04-2006, 02:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xim

Have you ever been to a college campus?

(edit: oh you mean dates with her? I dont know if you are expressing your own insecurity or trying to make me insecure. Are you saying I would be better off if I was worried about wheather she liked me or not? There are 150 thousand girls my age within a 5 mile radius of me. Thats not such a problem.)

I'm not looking at this from the same perspective as you. I dont care about finding a person who I can call my soul mate. I'm 21. For me, to "blow it" would be to accidentally get stuck in a long term relationship that inevitably will end in a painful divorce/breakup, because if for no other reason I will not have satisfied my longing for the party life. Then I'm out on my own, forein to the dating world for 7 years, and eat TV dinners until I die. Best date/sleep around until life slows down in 8 or 9 years, at which point im sure someones biological clock will persuade me into submission.

But as for telling a person this in a nice way I'm just thinking: too early and its presumptious, too late and I've been lying.

I don't know where the middle ground is.

If you have a wonderful time with her, then want to date her again, yes it's a bit presumptuous. I'm not referring to a soulmate either, but if you enjoy ther person's company and would like to hang out again, why would you say something that may cause that person to rethink it?

You are right about the too early and the too late, but that's the deal with dating, just one of the many reasons I hated the dating game. From my current lady friends who cry on my shoulder about guys they meet and date, there is no real good time. Emotional attachment happens at some point because that's the point of dating even if it's to the level of just enjoying hanging out as friends. Consensus I've heard from such lady friends, all agree up on one thing, they want to know where they are just before or after they have sex.

Why not just enjoy the first date as it is, and just see where that first date goes. You'll know much better after that...

Toaster126 · 05-04-2006, 07:42 AM

What you want to do is drop the "I'm not looking for anything serious" or "I don't want to settle down" etc. on the third date. You don't want to wait too long or you'll have a possibility of wasting her time and pissing her off.

xim · 05-04-2006, 12:47 PM

thanks for your input guys, your the greatest!!!

CaliLivChick · 05-04-2006, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vincentt

I've always thrown a "I'm just looking to have some fun" or "I just want to relax", or even a "not looking for anything serious right now"

In the middle of normal conversation.

Agreed. Just don't force it in, that would be awkward. If it doesn't work itself into the conversation on the first date, then give it a couple dates (but before you have sex) to see if it works itself in. If not, then you'll have to have "the talk."

Cynthetiq · 05-05-2006, 02:31 AM

So how was the first date? Is there going to be a second?

Lindy · 05-05-2006, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

If you have a wonderful time with her, then want to date her again, yes it's a bit presumptuous. I'm not referring to a soulmate either, but if you enjoy ther person's company and would like to hang out again, why would you say something that may cause that person to rethink it? ...
Why not just enjoy the first date as it is, and just see where that first date goes. You'll know much better after that...

I met my two most significant others when I was looking for nothing more than a casual good time with friends. Sometimes things turn out to be more than what you expect, not less.
Lindy

BigBen · 05-05-2006, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xim

... For me, to "blow it" would be to accidentally get stuck in a long term relationship that inevitably will end in a painful divorce/breakup, because if for no other reason I will not have satisfied my longing for the party life. Then I'm out on my own, forein to the dating world for 7 years, and eat TV dinners until I die. ...

Jesus Christ.

I think I am going to go and cry now...

Xim, ya hit a little close to the bone there.

Have fun. Don't worry about things getting serious. Wrap it up and play with it.

kangaeru · 05-10-2006, 03:33 PM

Xim,

I'm 21 and in college myself, so I understand where you're coming from...

I've said it a million times and I'll say it again, just do your thing, be confident, and don't smother the girl with attention.

If it's a casual thing, don't call the girl and txt her everyday. There is an easy way to let a girl know she's a fuck buddy or not a fuck buddy--and that's that you only contact her when you want to have sex. At MOST, if I haven't called exclusively for sex because the girl has cranked about it, i'll call them ONCE during the middle of the week for a 5 minute check-in, that's it. "Oh, I'm surprised you're calling me, I didn't think that was your style" they'll say. They think they're special cause I'm actually giving them a mid-week call and they like me MORE for it...(lol)...

Some girls get PO'd by this, but others love it. And honestly, the ones who need maintenance in between are not worth it for you anyways, eventually problems will develope. Girls feel dirty when they know everytime your name illuminates their phone display on a Thursday night at 1am that they are getting booty called, and the ones who get a rush from this are the ones you're going to have fun with.

So really the best way to say that "This is casual" is to not say much of anything. Needy guys are the least attractive thing EVER. Attention in the right way and at the right times is key--even I still mess that up sometimes and end up having to scrap the project and start over--but in the end take it all as a learning experience, be confident in yourself, and the rest will just follow.

DO NOT think about and analyze things so much. Most of the girls who are going to fling with you are not going to be the sharpest tools in the shed, and the whole cerebral braniac thing is a big turn off, I should know, cause that's how I am too. You just gotta pretend you're cool AND dumb

Above all, enjoy yourself, and have fun.

05-03-2006, 04:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
xim Insane Location: One with the Universe	How to communicate a relationship is casual I am enjoying being single right now, and would like to date around a bit before finding someone who is worth getting more serious with. I have a first date with someone tomorrow. How can I go about letting her know that I am not looking for anything too serious at the moment? I just want to have fun in the moment, and not end up tied down. When should I tell her this? It seems kindof silly to jump in with it immediatly, as it would be assuming that she wants something serious with me, and we practicly just met. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and we haven't even gone out yet. Do you guys assume all dates are moving towards seriousness? I know I havent given much info about her, but is this what people generally expect? What I'm asking is, in your mind, is casual dating the default or is dating towards monogomy your default? Or maybe not in your mind but the majority of minds you have encountered. Should I wait until she asks me where our relationship is going before I tell her? How should I handle this? __________________ If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

05-03-2006, 04:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	why do you have to front load the date? isn't it a bit presumptuous that you'll have more dates after this date???? Just relax, enjoy yourself, see where it goes. Wait until the 2nd or 3rd date (or even longer) you go out to make sure it's clear that you don't want to be with just one person. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-03-2006, 05:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Sometime late last year - I was supposed to have a date with a fella - the day before we were supposed to go out, he calls me to tell me that he didn't want anything serious - wasn't looking for a commitment of any kind.. and well - -didn't plan on spending the night.. Ummm... After I got done laughing... I was puzzled... I gave no impression that I was expecting him to move all his belongings in to my apartment, declare his undying love for me and swear off all other women... Heck I don't get asked out that often -- but come on already... Do guys really expect women to act like that? dare to think that most women don't. I think it's awfully presumptious to tell a person that they have no expectations for any kind of commitment before you actually go out on a date... Who the hell knows.. this might be the person of your dreams and you've already blown it... Wait... see where it goes... see how it goes... you don't need to advertise that you are dating other people... double booking however is a little rude. However, when there's sex involved - I think you owe it to the other person to be honest before you take you clothes off... She/he needs to know if you plan on fucking one -- or many... for no othe reason than protection of both the physical self and the emotional self. For most people, dating doesn't imply much of a commitment, once there's sex involved (at least in my old fuddy duddy world) then there's some form of commitment - maybe not the rest of your life happily ever after bs... but.. there's some connection/ __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-03-2006, 11:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
Vincentt Addict Location: Tokyo, Japan	I've always thrown a "I'm just looking to have some fun" or "I just want to relax", or even a "not looking for anything serious right now" In the middle of normal conversation. __________________ .

05-04-2006, 07:42 AM	#12 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	What you want to do is drop the "I'm not looking for anything serious" or "I don't want to settle down" etc. on the third date. You don't want to wait too long or you'll have a possibility of wasting her time and pissing her off. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

05-03-2006, 05:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
Invalid Comfort Upright	I have a friend that goes to a college around here. We'd been out on a couple dates and hung out quite abit, made out and some other innoculous things.. Well the question camea couple weeks ago: "what are we?" Knowing that I don't personaly want anything serious, I kept in mind that she might and didn't discard the possibility of anything serious in the future. My response: "Just two people that are looking for good company" She replied with something else, I don't remeber exactly, but I remember that I replied with something along the line of: "I like to let things happen on their own". I don't remember exactly what I had said, but I got across the point that I wanted it to stay as friends if I lost the benefits, because her friendship is more important to me than the other things :P. I was impressed with myself as to how clever it was, and that she took it well. One of her friends thinks we are dating, and often refer to us as so. My friend and I both know different, so we just smile and nod . Long and boring story short: If she asks what it is, let her know what you would like out the relationship, emphasize friendship if that's more important to you. All in the ways as to keeping your options open till you find the one that you would like to be serious. Just be careful as to what you say, because I have learned from my limited experince, It will ALL be heard. Connotitions and Literal meanings both.

05-04-2006, 12:47 PM	#13 (permalink)
xim Insane Location: One with the Universe	thanks for your input guys, your the greatest!!! __________________ If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

05-05-2006, 02:31 AM	#15 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	So how was the first date? Is there going to be a second? __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-10-2006, 03:33 PM	#18 (permalink)
kangaeru Crazy Location: on the road to where I want to be...	Xim, I'm 21 and in college myself, so I understand where you're coming from... I've said it a million times and I'll say it again, just do your thing, be confident, and don't smother the girl with attention. If it's a casual thing, don't call the girl and txt her everyday. There is an easy way to let a girl know she's a fuck buddy or not a fuck buddy--and that's that you only contact her when you want to have sex. At MOST, if I haven't called exclusively for sex because the girl has cranked about it, i'll call them ONCE during the middle of the week for a 5 minute check-in, that's it. "Oh, I'm surprised you're calling me, I didn't think that was your style" they'll say. They think they're special cause I'm actually giving them a mid-week call and they like me MORE for it...(lol)... Some girls get PO'd by this, but others love it. And honestly, the ones who need maintenance in between are not worth it for you anyways, eventually problems will develope. Girls feel dirty when they know everytime your name illuminates their phone display on a Thursday night at 1am that they are getting booty called, and the ones who get a rush from this are the ones you're going to have fun with. So really the best way to say that "This is casual" is to not say much of anything. Needy guys are the least attractive thing EVER. Attention in the right way and at the right times is key--even I still mess that up sometimes and end up having to scrap the project and start over--but in the end take it all as a learning experience, be confident in yourself, and the rest will just follow. DO NOT think about and analyze things so much. Most of the girls who are going to fling with you are not going to be the sharpest tools in the shed, and the whole cerebral braniac thing is a big turn off, I should know, cause that's how I am too. You just gotta pretend you're cool AND dumb Above all, enjoy yourself, and have fun. __________________ Dont be afraid to change who you are for what you could become Last edited by kangaeru; 05-10-2006 at 03:37 PM..